Single Dad Laughing » Humor

Horrifying Panty Burps Vol. 4

Dan Pearce — Wed, 22 May 2013 06:01:18 +0000

Everybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Like the time when I was in the steam room and I had been sitting all alone for at least the last ten minutes. Feeling safe, and not all that potent, I bent my naked self over and let a little air out.

To my horror it smelled like the rotting carcass of three-day-old smashed raccoon. It’ll all be fine, I thought. As long as no one else comes in.

Yeah. Of course someone right then opened the door and came inside.

Lucky for me, a fresh billow of steam had just filled the room and whoever it was couldn’t see my face.

They could, however, smell it, as was evidenced by the ever so quiet “Grrgghg” sound they made when they first walked in.

In that steam room, the fresh steam doesn’t last too long, so as soon as the other dude sat down, I stood up and made a B-line for the exit, leaving him to think really hard about whatever he had done wrong to deserve such a thing.

LOL. That was my story. Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments called farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS VOL. 4

“This is my daddy. He farts all the time.” – my 2 year old daughter, introducing me to complete strangers at the grocery store.
I was riding my horse, just walking, and let one rip. It reflected off the saddle so loud that my horse spooked and took off running. It took weeks to get her to walk in that corner of the arena again!
My sister and I were just two little girls visiting their two aunts one summer. One aunt farts really loud and the other, who is partially deaf, yells from the back room, “was that the phone?”
When my daughter was 3, she had a terrible habit of wrapping her arms around my legs and burying her face wherever it happened to land. Well, one day, without thinking a thing of it, I let out an SBD. A second later, of course, here she comes. She wraps her arms around my legs and buries her face I’m sure you can guess where. Her reaction was priceless! She backed away as fast as she possibly could, and with the most sour, disgusted look on her face said sympathetically, “oh mommy, you stink.”
My grandma was in ballet class and when she bent down she let out a huge fart. Everyone looked at her so she said, “phew! I haven’t done that in five years!”
I went on a mission for my church. While there, some old fat dude with no teeth tries to hit on me. He even does the “stretch, arm around the girl” move. I have not been touched by a dude in nearly a year and a half at this point. I’m wondering how I’m going to get out if it. Then I think, “I have to fart. I can’t. I’m in public. Whatever, dude, just drop it.” So I do. Dude removes his arm, takes a whiff, and leaves. That’s how I roll. The question is, should I proud or embarrassed I smelled bad in France?
My kids and I were in church, near the back of the room. My 3 yo son was sitting on my lap listening to the speaker… He let one rip, and I whispered (very quietly) into his ear, “Did you just fart on me?” As loudly as he was capable of, he yelled, “I didn’t fawt on you, I fawted on me!” and proceeded to break down giggling. I was mortified as many, many heads turned to look at us with smiles on their faces and the speaker had to stop because he couldn’t control his laughter…
My friend farted a dude off her at a concert. He had no personal space boundaries and deserved it.
Walking down the aisle at the grocery store with my fiance and our daughter, the local vet is walking in front of us and all of a sudden, it hits my nose…that smell. I leaned down and quietly whispered to her, “honey, did you have a toot?” to which she replied, rather loudly “no mommy, it was that lady” and pointed to the vet. The lady turned around and shook her head “no” so I leaned down again and said, “honey, what do we say if we toot?” and she replied, “excuse me” and she then proceeded to giggle because she knew she had been busted.

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My 35 Favorite Grumpy Cat Memes

Dan Pearce — Wed, 22 May 2013 00:26:37 +0000

Grumpy Cat & Me.

Over the past six months or so, I’ve been saving my favorite Grumpy Cat memes for no other reason than to have a reason to laugh when I’m in a grumpy mood.

I mean, isn’t that what Grumpy Cat is all about? Laughing at that grump that somehow finds its way out of even the happiest of us every now and again?

Enjoy. Here are my 35 Favorite Grumpy Cat Memes, so far.

Continued on Next Page

The Most Embarrassing Things Ever Blurted Out By Kids – Vol. 2

Dan Pearce — Tue, 21 May 2013 06:01:36 +0000

Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked a simple question.

“What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever blurted out to others?”

More than 1,500 of you answered.

And, just as I had hoped, you didn’t fail to deliver some of the best gut-grabbing laughs I’ve had in weeks. Here are a few of your replies…

Continue reading: The Most Embarrassing Things Ever Blurted Out By Kids – Vol. 2

My First BIG Harley Fail

Dan Pearce — Mon, 20 May 2013 18:00:55 +0000

Well, it’s official. I now have my first BIG Harley fail tucked under my belt.

The other day I was out in my garage, getting ready to take Delilah for a spin. I live in an apartment complex surrounded by garages. They’re all stacked, one right next to the other. We tenants who feel all sorts of special by having our own garage can rent them from the landlords.

I had just strapped on my helmet and mounted my bike when I suddenly heard this high-pitched wheieiieieieieiieeieieiie sound approaching. Kind of like a beefy weed whacker.

Another guy on a motorcycle, much smaller than mine, and definitely not a Harley-Davidson, passed by just as I started my ignition. He glanced over into my garage as he passed. I revved my huge non weed whacker Harley-Davidson engine, just to make sure he heard it.

I never felt like a badder bad ass than I did right at that moment.

I had my bad ass black leather Harley jacket on.

I had my bad ass Harley half helmet secured firmly to my head.

I was wearing my big black bad ass Harley boots.

I had on my bad ass Maui Jim’s sunglasses.

And I was ready to roll.

I put the bike into first gear and rolled out of the garage where I braked so that I could hit the garage door opener and stash my keys to which the opener was attached.

My bad ass Harley gloves were sitting in my lap. I always put them on after I shut the garage door.

And then… it happened.

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It’s Time I Say the Words…

Dan Pearce — Fri, 17 May 2013 18:05:49 +0000

When some people get down or discouraged, they drink. Other people turn to pain pills. Other people to cigarettes. Other people to drugs. Other people to food. Other people to religion.

Me, I turn to shopping. And, more specifically, clothes.

I may have a little clothes problem.

I realized this last week when I opened the door to my apartment after a morning run and was suddenly hit with the stench of six week’s worth of stinky underwear.

Sitting in my closet, were three laundry hampers, all heaping two or three feet above the tops of them. In those hampers were shirts, and pants, and socks, and underwear.

But not just any shirts. Regular shirts, yes. But gym shirts, too. And not just jeans, but gym shorts and warmup pants. And, gulp… not just underwear… but lots and lots of sweat-soaked gym underwear.

The smell of it all made me literally gag in my doorway. Why I hadn’t smelled it to that point, and why it suddenly hit me so strongly, is a mystery in and of itself. But it did. And it was strong. I would liken the smell to sticking your entire head into a linebacker’s navel.

Thankfully the Farmer’s Daughter wasn’t coming around for a couple days. Time enough to do my laundry and let it air out.

When I was done washing and drying the laundry (minus the bedding and towels), this is the pile of clothes that I had to put away. Please note that those pillows in the back are FIVE pillows tall. Not two.

I don’t know if you can really grasp how much laundry that is since it’s all stacked so neatly. So, I counted it out for you:

Six sweatshirts.
Four pairs of sweatpants.
Sixteen gym shirts.
Eight pairs of gym shorts.
Eight gym pants.
57 pairs of socks.
Nine button down shirts.
34 t-shirts.
Five tank tops or sleeveless shirts.
11 pairs of jeans.
17 under shirts.
Two bathing suits.
52 pairs of underwear.
Two pairs of pajama pants.
Two baseball caps.

It had been at least six weeks since the last time I did laundry. And you would think I was out of clothes. Oh, no. I still had the following clean and ready to go in my closet:

47 shirts of different varieties.
Eight hoodies.
Four pair of sweat pants.
Nine dress shirts.
Five pairs of slacks.
20 gym shirts.
Seven pair of gym shorts.
Eight pair of gym pants.
14 pair of jeans.
Two bathing suits.
41 pairs of shoes, boots, and other footwear.
Three dress coats.
Two rash guards.
Six pair of manpris.
18 pair of shorts.
Nine sweaters.
One suit.

Six weeks, and I still had all that that I could have worn.

I think it’s time I say the words aloud…

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The Most Embarrassing Things Ever Blurted Out By Kids

Dan Pearce — Tue, 14 May 2013 17:05:09 +0000

Over on the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked a simple question.

“What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever blurted out to others?”

More than 1,500 of you answered.

And, just as I had hoped, you didn’t fail to deliver some of the best gut-grabbing laughs I’ve had in weeks. Here are a few of your replies…

Continue reading: The Most Embarrassing Things Ever Blurted Out By Kids

Making Giant Men Squirm

Dan Pearce — Sat, 11 May 2013 05:01:55 +0000

Last week I was at Harmon’s, a local grocery store. I think it’s important that I mention the name of the chain and the reason I love shopping there.

Harmon’s is very clean and tidy. It is classy. It is nice. I don’t feel a need to immediately sanitize when I leave for fear of catching some horrible disease like I do at so many other stores. It’s a little more expensive than, say, oh I don’t know, Walmart, but it’s worth it to me to not have to flirt with disgustingness and malady each time I enter.

Anyway, last week I was at Harmon’s. And everything was as it should be. In place. Clean. Orderly. Nice. I headed over to the produce section to get some bananas and avocados. The only two people shopping in produce were me and a man about my age who was much larger than I was.

I think it is important that I mention the size of this man. I am 6’4”. I am a big man. He was at least six foot eight. He probably weighed more than three hundred pounds and if he had a lick of fat on him, I was hard-pressed to find it. He hat a short bush of hair on his head which screamed military. If I were to compare him to anything, it would be King Kong, both because of his stature and because it would take a lot more than some measly little tranquilizers to bring him down.

This guy, who I shall affectionately call Kong, was over by the oranges. He was filling a bag by picking up one orange at a time, studying every side of it, and then nodding and grunting as he put each piece of fruit inside.

I carefully studied a bunch of bananas. After offering my own nod and grunt of approval to my fruit, I set them in my cart and proceeded toward the avocados. This meant passing the orange-scrutinizing Kong.

As I neared him with the cart, something on the orange he was currently holding caused him to yelp

Continue reading: Making Giant Men Squirm

Horrifying Panty Burps Vol. 3

Dan Pearce — Wed, 08 May 2013 06:01:43 +0000

Everybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Like back in high school when I was staying the night at my best friend’s house.

We were down in the basement playing cards with his older sister. Her baby was asleep in the next room, though I didn’t know it.

I started sitting on the sofa, but as the game kept going, my need to fart intensified. It finally was so bad that I got down on my knees on the side of the couch and attempted to play from that position.

His sister went into the kitchen for a snack. At the point of not being able to hold it in any longer, I ducked into the room in which the baby was sleeping and let a loud and long one rip. It felt so good and I was so relieved. Until the baby began screaming hysterically. I had woken her up. And probably half-suffocated her in the process.

LOL. That was my story. Here are your stories. And I call this series horrifying panty burps because one of you in your comments said that your aunt calls farts panty burps. Which I thought was way too funny.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS VOL. 3

I had been dating this guy for less than a month. We were in Hallmark when i started to feel a deep rumble in my tummy. I excused myself and went a few rows over. I did my dirty deed and was about to go back when he started coming down the aisle, passing by a pregnant lady, toward me. He said “oh God what is that smell? I think that lady just crop dusted me!” I was mortified so i went along with his accusation. The problem was, he kept talking about it ( it was that amazing). We went to another store. He asked me to smell his shirt, he thought the smell was still on him. I lost it, laughing until i cried. It dawned on him why. He just shook his head saying “no” over and over again. He felt badly he had made such a big deal. I was just happy he was still talking to me.
I fell asleep in my math class junior year, and I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And when I woke up everyone in class was laughing at me. Even my teacher.
My family was visiting Disney World years ago with another family. We were all in line for some attraction and I had some wicked gas that I started letting out in a controlled way as we moved forward. I really couldn’t hold it in, despite the fact that I felt terrible for the people behind us. My friend yells at her husband, telling him he stinks and to stop farting. I start giggling and confess to my friend that I was doing it, when suddenly a woman behind us started smacking her husband in the arm and yelling at him to knock it off! We turned our backs to them and tried to hold in our giggles. Poor guy!
When our oldest daughter was 7, my husband was laying on the couch and she climbed up onto the arm of the couch where he was resting his head, squatted and farted on his head, then bolted from the scene and hid in her room.
I once let a fart out in Spanish class that had a sound that made the class think there was a stray cat in the school courtyard. I never told anyone that i had farted.
I was pregnant with twins and the doctor had decided I needed to be induced. So I was admitted into the hospital and he broke my water and hooked me up to IV’s. As a result, I had to sit in the water for about 15 minutes. My mother and children’s father were in room and kept cracking jokes and making me laugh. When the nurse came in to fix my bedding for me, my mother made a wise crack and I laughed so hard I started farting while still sitting in the pool of water… needless to say, I created a lot of bubbles for the nurse…. I thought the nurse was going to die laughing…

MORE HILARIOUS STORIES ON NEXT PAGE

The Live Fish in My Brother’s Pants

Dan Pearce — Tue, 07 May 2013 21:00:26 +0000

Awhile back, I was going through the annals of my computer file system cleaning up space when I came across a video that I forgot ever existed.

And oh am I glad I found it.

It all started with an online competitive minesweeper game that my brother and I used to play together.

At that time of our lives, we also dished out punishments the way all brothers should. Via Sting Pong. If one of us lost something, the other would have to stand against a wall, lift his shirt, and take a ping pong ball in the bare back as hard as the other guy could smack it.

As we started playing this minesweeper game, we determined that the loser of each game would get a Sting Pong. My brother Eric got behind by quite a bit, and rather than take 20 or so Sting Pongs when we next met, he began playing the double or nothing game. And he kept losing.

It didn’t take long at all before he owed me more than 500 Sting Pongs.

Being the merciful brother that I am, I told him that he could trade them all for a live trout in the pants for ten seconds.

We had a fishing trip coming up, and if he accepted, he would have to put a flippy, floppy, slappy, wiggly, trout into his pants. And not just his pants, but straight into his underwear

Continue reading: The Live Fish in My Brother’s Pants

12 Things I Shouldn’t Laugh At, But I Do Anyway

Dan Pearce — Tue, 07 May 2013 06:11:48 +0000

Okay, here’s the big fat hairy deal. There are certain things that should never be laughed at. I get that. Then there are certain things that shouldn’t be laughed at, but that I will probably laugh at anyway.

Because, you see… I am one who laughs at completely inappropriate things sometimes.

Meh, who am I kidding. I laugh at completely inappropriate things all the time. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

These are a few of the things I laugh at�

Continue reading: 12 Things I Shouldn’t Laugh At, But I Do Anyway

The Facebook Algorithm Has a Twisted Sense of Humor

Dan Pearce — Mon, 06 May 2013 23:00:46 +0000

LOL.

Much thanks to one of my readers who sent me the following screen capture from their Facebook news feed.

Apparently the Facebook algorithm has a real sense of humor.

Click the image to enlarge.

Too funny not to share.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

Balding People – Throwing Off the Balance of the Universe

Dan Pearce — Mon, 06 May 2013 06:01:28 +0000

Is it just me, or is nobody actually balding anymore?

The other day I read a news story about major recent breakthroughs against male pattern baldness. The report ventured a guess that baldness would be a thing of the past within two years.

But I’m telling you right now. Nobody “goes bald” anymore.

There are just full-haired people, and there are people who shave their heads every day. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone with a severely receding hairline or a horseshoe of hair around a shiny bald scalp. Er, at least anyone under the age of 60.

I don’t know if I fully appreciate that. I mean, it used to be that only real tough guys shaved their heads. When you saw someone with a shaved head it meant one of two things. You were about to get beat up, or someone else was about to get beat up.

But now that everyone shaves their heads the moment they notice a couple hairs on their pillows, it makes even the dweebiest of guys look ultra tough and ready to kill. I have a hard time distinguishing nowadays who I can trust to wash my car or take my order at McDonald’s and who I should notice walking toward me and immediately pee in my pants.

Yesterday I walked past the Geek Squad desk and I feared my limbs were about to be ripped of by the two badass shaved-head muscle jocks working the desk. Once safely past, I looked back over my shoulder and realized they were both little guys I could sneeze on and flatten if I needed to. I had just been duped by their lack of any and all hair.

This of course got me to thinking. I mean, I own and ride a Harley now. On top of this head of mine, I was blessed with a thick and luscious head of hair. No need to shave every day to keep from looking like George Costanza. But should I be shaving my head? I mean, I want to look the part if I’m gonna ride the bike.

But, oh wait, nope. I can’t. It wouldn’t matter if I did. Little guys driving mopeds and Dodge Neons shave their heads now which means when I walk into a Starbucks, the line isn’t going to move and part way to the cashier for me the way it would have had I shaved my head ten years ago.

And that sucks. I own a Harley now. I should be able to roll in on Delilah (yep, that’s the name that won out over on Facebook), walk in with my tattooed arms, bald head, and sleeveless shirt, and glare my way into anything I want.

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25 Common Facebook Status Updates and What They REALLY Mean

Dan Pearce — Wed, 01 May 2013 05:59:13 +0000

It can be tricky navigating between reality and fiction on the Internet, and Facebook tops the list for most muddled of all human interaction. People say one thing, but ultimately they’re trying to say something else.

Fear not. I have come up with The Great Facebook Dictionary. Follow this translation guide and everything will start making so much more sense. All in good-hearted snarky silly fun.

Continue reading: 25 Common Facebook Status Updates and What They REALLY Mean

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER. Vol. 3

Dan Pearce — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 06:01:38 +0000

Today, let’s just laugh. It’s Friday. We all need a good start to our weekends.

Anyway, I never have awesome jokes right off hand. People say, “tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly.

So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.

So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as “free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.

Or skip straight to them. Whatever floats your boat.

Oh, and be sure to read Best Short Jokes Ever Vol. 1 and Best Short Jokes Ever Vol. 2

Continue reading: BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER. Vol. 3

Grandpa Said What Now? Vol. 4

Dan Pearce — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 06:01:14 +0000

A while back I decided to ask one of my favorite questions to you over on the SDL Facebook page. “What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say.”

More than a thousand of you replied, and your answers had me rollin’ on the floor ever since.

With more than a thousand, I have enough to make several posts out of my favorites. Bad news is, you only get one more of those posts today. Enjoy.

I once asked an old lady how she was doing and she said, “Well, I’m doing a lot … But I’m only keeping the cute ones.” Then she cackled like a witch when she saw the look on my face. So funny.
Almost forgot this one. I got my 76yo mom a Nook tablet, downloaded all her Jehovah’ Witness literature and Bible, etc into it. She was having a terrible time using it, and I encouraged to to just keep trying. She called me one day and proudly announced ” I’ve been playing around with it all day, and I think I’ve finally got my Nookie figured out”. I told her I didn’t think she should mention that at the Kingdom Hall.
My grandma: “Well, your grandpa does a poor job of keeping me warm. He’s so skinny, if he turns sideways and sticks out his tongue he’d look like a zipper. I wish he could turn sideways and stick something else out to look like a half open zipper, but he can’t do that anymore!”
I visited my 97-year-old grandpa last week. He said something to the effect of “Yeah, well I could die today, but why do today what you can put off til tomorrow.”
My great gma “Well frost my ass and call me cupcake”. And in the hospital when her Dr pissed her off she told him to get his scrawny white a** out of her room before she got out of bed and kicked it out.
My grandmother once asked her caregiver how she wipes her ass, because her acrylic nails were so long! Lol
When I was a little girl my grandpa walked in to the living room just after I had finished getting my PJs on after bath. He looked at my wet hair and loudly exclaimed “That little girl needs a blow job!” Mom and Dad laughed until they couldn’t breathe and grandpa turned beet red and walked away shaking his head, all while I yelled “WHAT? What’s so funny?!?!” It was years before I understood why that got the reaction it did.
My grandpa said this at his 80th birthday party 5 years ago “if I want to live to be as old as my grandad I’ll have to spend another 20 years with all you a**holes… No thanks.”
In all seriousness: “Who do you have to sleep with to get a piece of cake around here” when she was apparently not getting cake fast enough at a relative’s wedding.
I asked my 92 year old grandma if she wanted something to drink with her dinner, she replied,”Yes, a shot of whiskey.”
My Grandma(who has alzheimers) just recently said “hi” & opened the front door to let someone in. But only to realize it was her reflection. When my Grandpa asked why she would open the door to a stranger she said “they looked familiar”.
My grandma was driving with my mom to visit me in college…my mom got lost (which happens a lot) and they passed a town called Hancock twice…on the third pass my mom says to Gram “Oh look mom there’s Hancock again” my Gram says back “Well right now any cock will do!”
My grandma asked my sister what college she was going to and what their mascot was. The answer was Oregon State and a beaver. Without missing a beat, my grandma asked, “Oh, is that an all-girl school?”
I work in a call center and I was helping a customer enroll in a program and they said “I’m gonna haffta get on the google.”

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Parody on the Dove “Real Beauty” Commercial – Too Funny

Dan Pearce — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 02:51:57 +0000

A couple days ago I shared Dove’s new video in which a forensic artist drew women the way they see themselves and then how strangers see them. I really loved that video and the message of it.

Anyway, a friend sent me this spoof video today and it made me laugh like crazy. Enjoy.

Oh, and if you didn’t watch the first one, do that before you watch this.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

How to Be the Best Husband EVER

Dan Pearce — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 18:00:10 +0000

Today we continue our quest to really learn what it takes to be the Best EVER at something.

We’ve delved into the Best Boyfriend Ever, the Best Girlfriend Ever, and the Best Grandpas Ever. Today, let’s explore what it takes to be the best HUSBAND ever. You know, according to Instagram.

How we arrive at the rules below are simple. I share the photos from Instagram that have been tagged #BestEVER.

Today’s tag:

#BestHusbandEVER

And here’s how the best husbands ever do it. So, pay attention hubbies!

Rule #1: You can never go wrong with bribery when you’re in the dog house.

Rule #2: Remember. She doesn’t want the latest and greatest.

Rule #3: Pretend to rub her feet while you watch your game.

Rule #4: Don’t kill her critters.

Rule #5: Send her suggestive photos.

Rule #6: Meat. Every. Woman. Wants. Meat.

Rule #7: Publicly share your more naked moments.

Rule #8: Scare the living crud out of her.

Continued on next page.

Tales from a Public Bathroom

Dan Pearce — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 06:01:07 +0000

It’s the last day of repost week while I knock out a good chunk of my upcoming book. This week I’m sharing my favorite posts from before most of you were ever around. Thanks, Dan

Ugh.

I hate it when I hear people approaching the public bathroom stall that I’m currently occupying.

OH GOOD CRAP! GO AWAY! I put the vibe out any time I hear footsteps coming my way. It never works.

I’m sure *some* of it has to do with anxiety left over from all the “bathroom incidents” when I was bullied as a kid.

But more than anything, it’s a fear that the lock will fail.

And it’s a justifiable fear! On several occasions I’ve been sitting there minding my business in public johns when the door suddenly flies open leaving me with my drawers around my ankles, my eyes bulged to Nebraska, and looking eye to eye with some random dude desperate to unload.

“Oh, sorry man,” he’ll always say as he turns on a dime and disappears, usually slamming the door again which always leaves it slightly ajar.

Sorry man? Oh good crud. “Sorry” just doesn’t cut it.

Not when I’m covering my nethers with one hand, holding my pants up around my calves with the other, and duck-walking to the stall door to attempt a fresh turn of the lock.

In those moments, I have to wonder who deserves the boot in the face. The dude? Or the facility who has faulty bathroom locks?

And then there are the times when I’m sitting in a plain ol’ one toilet public bathroom. No stall. Just me. A toilet. A sink. And the door.

And there’s always some idiot who comes along as if their entire life’s purpose is to destroy my alone time. My thinking time. My private time.

It always goes down like this.

The handle jiggles. That’s okay. That’s how you know if somebody’s in there. It’s also how you send the message from the outside that somebody else is waiting.

But then that idiot…

Continued on next page.

Continue reading: Tales from a Public Bathroom

How to Be the Best Grandpa EVER

Dan Pearce — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 18:00:36 +0000

Today we continue our quest to really learn what it takes to be the Best EVER at something.

Last week we explored the Best Boyfriend Ever and the Best Girlfriend Ever. Today, let’s explore what it takes to be the best GRANDPA ever.

How we arrive at the rules are simple. I share the photos from Instagram that have been tagged #BestEVER. Today’s tag:

#BestGrandpaEVER

Continue reading: How to Be the Best Grandpa EVER

Hanging Naked from the Garage Door

Dan Pearce — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 06:01:26 +0000

Tomorrow is the five year anniversary of when my little sister Carissa died in my family’s arms. She had Down Syndrome, and the past two years I’ve shared the same post which always makes a lot of people smile and cry. Which is fitting because that’s what she did in real life, too.

This year, I’ll do just that as well (you can find that here). But I also want to tell you about the time we found her hanging on for dear life from the, well, I’ll get to that…

Carissa, like many special needs kids, had some special skills.

She somehow knew how to triple her weight at will. At 20 lbs., she could make herself weigh more like 60 lbs. She would go limp and flop down when you tried to pick her up. It was cute when she was two. When she was 80 lbs. and ten years old, it wasn’t so cute.

She also was strong. And not just kind of strong. She was so strong that a charging rhino probably couldn’t knock her over. When she didn’t want to do something, or go somewhere, there was no making her do it.

She also was flexible. And limber. And adventurous. And free spirited. And she loved to run around buck naked. From age nothing to the day she left this earth, nudity was her companion. And why not? She wasn’t burdened by such things as social norms, shame, or self-destructive beliefs of what she needed to look like to be beautiful. She would streak because streaking was just better sometimes. She didn’t need a good reason. On more than one occasion I had friends over as a teenager when she suddenly ran from one end of the hall to the other, laughing as she went, nekkid as a jay bird.

And one time when she was seven years old, she combined her dead weight, her strength, her adventurous nature, and her free spirit, and she headed out to the garage, fully declothed, climbed up the closed garage door, hit the opener, and was surprised as all get-up when it started moving with her still attached.

Carissa, she didn’t let go or jump off. No, she fastened her gorilla grip tighter than she ever had, and she road that sucker all the way up until she was hanging upside down, her bare little butt pointing out at the entire world.

And she started screaming for help.

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

Tipping and Tooting

Dan Pearce — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 18:00:09 +0000

There is this guy named Matthew Inman who writes a comic called The Oatmeal. It is hilarious and often poignant.

Anyway, I loved this one, and he gave me permission to share it with you all since we love farts and we love human awesomeness around here.

Thanks again, Matthew!

Wasn’t that great? If you aren’t following The Oatmeal yet, be sure to head over there.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

The Dentist and His Dance of Shame

Dan Pearce — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 06:01:40 +0000

It’s repost week while I knock out a good chunk of my upcoming book. This week I’m sharing my favorite posts from before most of you were ever around. Thanks, Dan

“Do you floss regularly?”

Oh, the shame.

That’s what they’re aiming to fill you with every time you go to the dentist, you know. I think they love making their patients squirm.

So, my insurance is running out pretty soon, and I realized that I really needed to get some long-needed work done before it turned into something much worse and cost me an arm and a leg.

But before I go on, confession session time.

I have never been a daily flosser. I brush twice a day. I use Listerine almost every night. But flossing… I’ve never developed the habit.

And I knew the question was coming. It always does. The hygienist stopped what she was doing, furrowed her brow, squinted her eyes, and looked into the depths of my soul.

“Do you floss regularly?”

Now, in the past, I always squirmed when the question was asked. I always gave them what they wanted. I always felt smaller than a smear on a toilet seat and twice as filthy. And, I would always squeak out something pathetic like, “I’ll do better from now on, please don’t hate me.”

But this time, I decided to play the game back.

“Do you floss regularly?”

“Nope!” I said, showing my smile bigger than ever. I just looked at her. Smiling. Smiling. Still smiling.

She looked back at me, obviously confused about my high spirits. “That’s why your gums are bleeding when I floss them.”

“Hmmm…” I said. And then I smiled at her again.

She so desperately wanted me to feel shame. I could tell. She knew how to respond to shame. Shame was her comfort zone. She didn’t know how to respond to a lack of it.

“Well…” she said, pausing in discomfort, “why don’t you floss?”

“I’m just too lazy!”

Awkward… silence…

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE.

Continue reading: The Dentist and His Dance of Shame

How to Be the Best Girlfriend EVER

Dan Pearce — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 18:01:22 +0000

Yesterday, we delved into the #BestBoyfriendEver tag on Instagram and we learned just what it takes to be one of the hundreds of thousands of best ever beefs. Which I was. Because The Farmer’s Daughter said so. Click here to read that post if you missed it.

Today, let’s see what it takes (according to Instagram, which is never wrong) to be the best girlfriend EVER via the #BestGirlfriendEver tag.

I found some good ones for sure. After I waded through hundreds of pics of food, that is. And here they are

Continue reading: How to Be the Best Girlfriend EVER

My KID said that?!

Dan Pearce — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 06:01:48 +0000

You know what they say… Kids say the darndest things. As a parent, I am reminded of that daily. Like when Noah this morning said, “Dad, if you take Spiderman and Batman and squish them together you get the freakiest bug ever.”

Ummm…

Anyway, in an attempt to feel like a normal parent, I asked you on the SDL Facebook Page what the funniest thing was that you’ve ever heard a kid say. Here are a few of your answers

Continue reading: My KID said that?!

Exercise Ball FAILS

Dan Pearce — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 02:33:22 +0000

LOL. After our epic exercise ball awesomeness/fails, you know I have to share this.

Haha. I love it.

If you want to see ours, here they are.

The Pillow Spinning Incident

A Trip to the Extreme: Drunk Stability Ball Tricks

Balancing on a Big Ol’ Ball with My Kid

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

How to Be the Best Boyfriend EVER

Dan Pearce — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 17:13:40 +0000

Yesterday I surprised The Farmer’s Daughter at work with some chocolate covered yumminess. And guess what… it made me THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!

How do I know? Because she tagged it in her Instagram.

#bestboyfriendever.

No, really. She did. Look.

And we all know that Instagram tags never lie.

Out of curiosity, I clicked on the tag #bestboyfriend ever. I expected there to only be pictures of me. After all, there can only be one BEST boyfriend ever, right?!

Wrong.

Apparently there are hundreds of thousands of best boyfriends ever.

That made me a little sad. For a minute there I really thought I was the best boyfriend ever. But then I got over myself and started taking notes on other #bestboyfriendever pics. What does one actually have to do to become an Instagram #bestboyfriendever

Continue reading: How to Be the Best Boyfriend EVER

The Throat Sore from Hell

Dan Pearce — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 17:23:18 +0000

Before I start this post, please let me request that you hum some Beach Boys while you read it. Don’t worry about why you should do it, just do it.

Anyway…

I never thought I’d wish that I had strep throat. But I do. Right now I’d give just about anything to just have strep throat. At least then I could pop a pill and be done with it.

About ten days ago my throat started feeling a little sore. About that same time my ear started aching. I just assumed it was an ear infection. I get them sometimes because I have a few grains of sand embedded in my ear drum from being pinned by a large wave while body boarding a few years ago. Those few grains were what the doctor couldn’t get out after multiple high pressure inner ear washings (which I assure you are super fun to go through).

I tell you about being pinned by a wave only because I want you to think I’m an awesome surfer type. Now just assume that I have the chiseled body with six-pack abs and crazy nice pecs to go with it and my illusion is complete. Ooooh, and throw in some of those sexy v-lines that I, ummm, definitely would have in this over-indulgent imagination of yours.

Now that I am a sexy surf god in your mind, perhaps I won’t sound so whiny as I finish this post.

Or maybe that will make me sound more whiny.

Hm.

Overly beautiful people complaining can be annoying.

Whatever

Continue reading: The Throat Sore from Hell

How I Make Myself a Little More Pretty in Photoshop

Dan Pearce — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 06:10:24 +0000

The Farmer’s Daughter and I have been goofing around with Photoshop a little bit lately.

And I’m sure you’re wondering… how do I take a normal everyday photo of myself like this one:

And Photoshop it to make myself look “just a little bit more pretty” so that it looks like this:

Well, I’ve made a quick tutorial for you. It’s nice, short, and so simple anyone can follow it.

Easy right?

But if you need more help, I’ve decided to show you again. Let’s do one of The Farmer’s Daughter this time on the next page.

Swimming the Mile

Dan Pearce — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 06:01:48 +0000

When I was 12 years old, I did one of the hardest things I’ve still ever done to this day.

I swam an entire mile in a lake that wasn’t even 60 degrees.

And all for a stupid patch.

Well, a patch and the glory and honor of doing it along with all the other much more fit boys at Scout camp that year.

For years I’d watched the other boys in my troop do everything awesome without me, both in and out of Scouting. As a portly and often friendless boy, I’d sat benched in the dugout at baseball games and sidelined at soccer games. I’d stood outside the group at recess as they kickballed and buttballed and freeze tagged. I had watched them all earning trophies in their various activities and sports over the years. Medals. Badges. Pins. Certificates. Pats on the back. Life was very rewarding for the other boys.

And I guess you could say life was sometimes rewarding for me, too. I mean, I remember about that same time of my life I went to visit my grandpa. I moseyed out of the car. He held his hands out as if to hug me and instead of embracing me, he grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “you’re turning into quite a fat boy.” Then he swatted me on the butt and sent me in the house. I guess that was kind of rewarding. I mean, at least he noticed me.

Haha. Was that facetious and pity-invoking enough?

And so, back to Scout camp, when the opportunity arose to strip down almost naked and jump into a freezing lake to earn a patch that said I’d done something awesome and almost impossible, I made sure I scribbled my name onto the sign-up sheet that was being passed around

Continue reading: Swimming the Mile

Horrifying Panty Burps Vol. 2

Dan Pearce — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 06:01:02 +0000

Everybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts often can be some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect. But when they happen unexpectedly, sometimes they’re the most mortifying things ever.

Like the time when I was with a group of new friends and I was desperate to both let one go and drop one off in the bathroom. We were nearing Walmart, our destination where we’d load up on chocolate milk and goodies for our night of teenage fun. I just figured I’d go once we were inside.

But then as we started walking, the feeling went away. Like, completely. You all know how it does that sometimes. And so I didn’t go to the bathroom.

And then everybody was loading up into the car, and it kind of hit me again. And before I got in, I let one go. I figured it was safe.

Famous last thoughts.

That fart was one of the nastiest and worst ones of my life. All the guys dove into the car for safety (it was that bad) and I followed them in to escape it myself (yes, it was that bad). But that sucker was still in my pants or something because the second I got in the car it hit everyone like a brick wall of rotten milk. And for the rest of the night everyone was laughing at me and calling me disgusting and asking me if I needed to go to the bathroom before I almost kill them all again.

HORRIFYING PANTY BURPS VOL. 2

My husband and I were at Target one day and I was VERY obviously pregnant. We were standing at the end of a very crowded aisle and he let one go VERY loudly and then quickly darted around the corner. Everyone on that aisle looked at me with disgust until they saw my pregnant belly then it was looks of pity. I found my husband two aisles over laughing his ass off.
I was 33 weeks pregnant going into early labor, I also had walking pneumonia at the time so I was coughing like crazy. The nurse comes in to check my contractions to see if the meds are slowing them down. As soon as she leaves the room I start bawling because they haven’t. Mid sob, the biggest fart of my life comes barreling out of me. My husband was in hysterics while I just sobbed. I wanted to murder him!! It’s a funny story now but for the first year every time he told it I wanted to stab him in the eye!!
I work in a nursing home changing poopy diapers all day… So I just let em rip. no one can hear me anyways.
I had a long, long natural labor with my daughter. After she was born, and the placenta was delivered, the doctor was all up in my business sewing me the heck back up. He had given me a shot down below before starting to add the stitches. I couldn’t feel a thing. Next thing I know….I am letting out about a 25 second continuous blast of gas…right in his face. He was on one of those rolly chairs, and he just pushed himself back, and the 4 other people in the room started laughing, and I said, “I’m sorry….but that has been up there WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too long!” The best part….I have it all on video!
I have so many embarassing stories that my 9 year old has started telling everyone that I have a “black butt in martial farts!”
I was about 8 months pregnant and teaching 7th grade. I had been craving raisin bran… In the middle of a test while monitoring students I was instantly mortified as the loudest sound was reverberating from my backside… Without flinching, in true middle school form, I raised my eyes and looked at the class hooligan, who was just as shocked as I was and then everyone laughed.
We all piled on my bed (4 kids and my husband) watching tv… he fall asleep during the movie. RIPS A HUGE one… sits bolt upright and hollers, “what the hell was that?”
The entire first week I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) I refused to fart in front of him. By the end of the week I had held them in for so long and so often I couldn’t go to the toilet and was in a bit of pain. Finally, I just said Ï’m sorry, but if this doesn’t happen I may die, and proceeded to let out the most glorious, lengthy, cheek vibrating fart ever known. He laughed, the dog left the room and I felt significantly better.
At a funeral while giving a eulogy. After it happened, I simply turned with eyebrows raised and looked directly at my father’s coffin and said, “Daddy!”
I was racing home from dinner out with friends and I got pulled over for going double the speed limit. I was about to be sick at any moment. When the cop walked up I explained why I was going so fast and he leaned down into the open window. At that very moment I let loose a S.B.D (silent but deadly). It was so bad that I wanted out of the car! The cop never said a word but he stood up fast and jogged back to his car and pulled away!

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

The Secret That’s Driving My Kid Crazy

Dan Pearce — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 04:30:13 +0000

About two months ago, my nephew’s mother told me the story of her child sneaking into her room and stealing $20 off of her nightstand.

I then took the story and decided it would be a great teaching moment for my own son, so long as I left out any and all names. After all, it’s not my place to spread the details of specific people’s shortcomings. That’s when it becomes gossip, I suppose.

Now, don’t ask me why I felt the need to use the $20 thievery as a lesson.

Maybe it’s because Noah doesn’t have any siblings in this home. I mean, aren’t some of the greatest lessons learned watching your brothers and sisters get busted? Don’t the greatest moments of satisfaction as a child come from watching them get it handed to them, knowing that you are “the good kid” in your parents eyes, at least in that moment? Don’t parents in general get to use the big lessons of one kid to teach all of their other kids?

So yeah, my kid doesn’t have any siblings in this home, so I had to borrow one.

And I told Noah. “Guess what. One of your cousins stole twenty dollars off of the table by his mom’s bed and he got in big trouble.” We’d never had a good chance to talk about stealing because as far as I know he’s never done it. I’d never had the chance to put the fear of the law, the fear of dad, and the fear of all thieving things into him.

Let me remind you that this was two months ago.

As soon as I said it, he was desperate to know whodunit. He didn’t care one lick about the lesson to be learned, the consequences the perpetrator received, or what drives people to steal in the first place. He HAD TO KNOW RIGHT THEN who it was!

I told him I wouldn’t tell because it wasn’t my place. Dammit, if he wasn’t going to learn a lesson about stealing, he was going to learn a lesson about gossiping.

This made him even more desperate.

I reassured him that no matter what he did, said, or offered, I would never ever tell him. Ever. “That wouldn’t be right,” I let him know.

This all took place on a car ride home. By the time I pulled into our carport, Noah had offered me the following if I would tell him who it was:

He promised he would never tell anyone. EVER.

He promised to clean his room when we got home.

He promised to clean the whole house when we got home.

He promised he would never lie to me again as long as he lived.

He promised he would give me all of his toys.

He promised me any and all money that he got for his upcoming birthday.

He willingly agreed to give up his iPad (his favorite time waster) for one month.

Then two months.

Then a year.

Then he said he’d just straight-up give it to me and never play it again…

IF ONLY I’D TELL HIM WHO IT WAS!

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE.

Dad Fail #14

Dan Pearce — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 06:01:14 +0000

Sometimes, I am a bad dad. Like a really bad dad.

Like last Monday morning when my alarm went off and I was able to start off my day with a big fat parenting fail. I’m calling it Dad Fail #14 for no other reason than that I’m sure that I’ve reported at least 13 other fails to you all since starting this blog. And I like to put numbers on things for some reason.

Anyway, my alarm went off. I had stayed up working late into the night and was coming off of four hours of sleep mixed with three Tylenol PMs that hadn’t come even close to wearing off yet.

The alarm woke Noah up as well and he immediately wandered into my bedroom and climbed into bed with me.

I forced my eyes open (no easy task) and looked at the clock. We were due to leave for school in an hour. My eyes forced themselves closed again. I immediately started drifting back into sleep.

“Dad, wake up!” Noah’s voice burst through my doze. “Don’t we have to get ready for school?”

And then he let out the tiniest little cough. He might have just cleared his throat. I’m not sure.

“Noah are you sick?” I asked as concerned as I could make myself.

Yes. This was a perfect plan

Continue reading: Dad Fail #14

Who’s the Boss?

Dan Pearce — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:00:30 +0000

I was recently dropping Noah off at his cousins’ house for a sleepover and I gave him the usual dad spiel about behaving, being awesome, going to bed when he’s told, yada yada yada. I ended by saying, “and when you’re here, who’s the boss?”

“Aunt Tomi,” he said rolling his eyes because he already knew.

“And you’re going to do everything she tells you to do, right?” I said.

“Yes, Dad.” He was shifting his weight back and forth, chomping at the bit to head off and play with his cousins.

Then Tomi Ann chimed in. “Anything I say?”

Noah laughed. “YES!”

“You promise?!” She asked with a goofy sneer.

“YEEESSSS!!!!”

“Okay, then hop up and down on one foot!” she said
Continue reading: Who’s the Boss?

Our New $10,000 Cat!

Dan Pearce — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 06:01:51 +0000

Thank God for sleep.

No, like really. I’m usually overly agnostic, but right now I am sincerely thanking God for sleep. After all, if someone hadn’t stepped inside of my crazy mind while I was asleep and slapped it around a little, I’d be in big trouble right now. Because I honestly believe I was too far into stupid to set myself straight on my own.

Yesterday I almost spent $10,000 on a cat. $10,000 I don’t even have to spend on a cat. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t even know how I could have pulled it off. I just know that before I went to bed, I was going to get a $10,000 cat for us.

You’d be amazed the rationalization for this purchase I was able to pull off
Continue reading: Our New $10,000 Cat!

My Epic Dating Fail

Dan Pearce — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 06:01:40 +0000

Remember this girl? The one I told you I was falling in love with?

Well, we’re in love. Both of us. With each other. It’s true. And she said I could tell you that.

And yep, she’s my girlfriend. And I’m her boyfriend. We’re official. Haha. But I’ll introduce her more properly in a later post. For now, we can all just call her The Farmer’s Daughter, which I will probably call her here on the blog.

I tell you all this because you need to know that we are at a place together that the following story shouldn’t have happened. But it did.

Anyway, there was this one point where I didn’t get to see her for ten days, which in burgeoning relationship terms is more like ten weeks. And when she came back from wherever the heck she was, I invited her to come spend the day with Noah and me. She hadn’t met Noah yet and I thought it was time.

We went to the aquarium. It was awesome. Octopi, sharks, penguins, all that crap.

We went to the store and got stuff to make dinner together. That was equally as awesome. Shopping games with Noah, great eating debates, and all that crap.

What wasn’t awesome, was my massive fail while we were making dinner.
Continue reading: My Epic Dating Fail

Your Funniest Facebook Status Updates (Part III)

Dan Pearce — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 06:01:37 +0000

On the Single Dad Laughing Facebook Page, I asked what was the funniest status update you’ve ever posted on your own Facebook wall. Your answers had me ROFLSHMCSCMD (bonus points to whoever can guess what that means)
Continue reading: Your Funniest Facebook Status Updates (Part III)

Grandpa Said What Now? Vol. 3

Dan Pearce — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 07:05:01 +0000

A while back I decided to ask one of my favorite questions to you over on the SDL Facebook page. “What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say.”

More than a thousand of you replied, and your answers had me rollin’ on the floor ever since.

With more than a thousand, I have enough to make several posts out of my favorites. Bad news is, you only get one more of those posts today. Enjoy
Continue reading: Grandpa Said What Now? Vol. 3

Horrifying Panty Burps… Vol. 1

Dan Pearce — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 19:00:57 +0000

Everybody farts. And that’s okay.

In fact, It’s more than okay. Farts are often some of the funniest things ever. At least in retrospect.

Anyway, as I put together this morning’s yoga fart post, I thought it might be fun to make today an all around act-like-a-12-year-old day. So, over on the SDL Facebook page, I asked you to share your most embarrassing fart stories. One commenter replied, “my aunt refers to a fart as a “panty burp,” which I laughed out loud at, so I hereby name this series “Horrifying Panty Burps.”

But before I share those, I’ll share one of mine. I think it’s only fair.

The year was 2006. I was in Denver interviewing candidates for a manager position at one of our stores. Because I wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible, I was moving them through one after the other, bam bam bam bam bam.

I wasn’t too impressed with anybody but then my dream candidate walked in. Well dressed, well spoken, skilled, hard worker, good work history… the whole shebang. The only problem was, I was desperate for him to leave because something was bubbling up in my innards, and I knew I couldn’t hold it much longer. But, not wanting to lose this guy, I grimaced and held it in.

“So, if I were to hire you, how would you expect your employees to act when it comes to mannerisms and classiness?” I said.

And right as I said the last words, a tiny but powerfully loud fart burst out of me. I just looked at him with wide eyes. “Hopefully better than that,” was all I could reply.

He didn’t take the job.

Anyway, enough about me. Here are your stories. There were at least enough hilarious ones to do two volumes. Maybe more if you share lots of funny stories in the comments
Continue reading: Horrifying Panty Burps… Vol. 1

The Yoga Fart Incident

Dan Pearce — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 15:30:30 +0000

Much thanks to Meryn who did a Frog Pose for us all.

I’m not sure if I can pull off what I need to in today’s post because it involves sounds and exclamations that are somewhat difficult to spell out. You may want to listen to the podcast for this one as well.

In the past few weeks, and I’m being careful not to be specific in case any of you were there with me, I was doing my non-flexible awkward giant-guy thing in a yin yoga class. It’s a restorative yoga class where you hold these long releasing poses for like five minutes at a time.

Now, look. I know what it’s like to really have to fart while you’re exercising. I mean, just a few weeks ago, I made this e-card:

I also know what it’s like to accidentally let one slip here and there. It’s inevitable. When your body is moving, and you’re bending, and squatting, and maneuvering all weird, it’s bound to move some air around inside you.

Thankfully, and luckily, I’ve only ever let the occasional toot slip at the gym while there was loud music pumping. And I took comfort in the fact that everyone else probably was, too.

But in yin yoga, there is no loud music. There’s only very soft, light, quiet, peaceful music to relax to. As you lay or squat in your poses, the instructor walks around, helping people relax even more by rubbing their shoulders, or pushing them deeper into their poses.

And that was precisely what was happening that day in yin yoga. My friend Meryn and I were on mats next to each other doing the frog pose; there were probably 15-18 other people in the class. What is frog pose you may ask? I’ve included a photo above.

Basically it’s where you lay face down, spread your knees like a frog to each side, flatten out, and go through an excruciating five minutes of torture while you do serious “restoration” to your upper legs and joints. It’s by far the worst part of yin yoga for me, the fat huge guy who doesn’t look like all the pretty flexible girls who surround me.

And there we were. Deep in our frog poses. Trying not to cry because it was really starting to hurt.

And it happened
Continue reading: The Yoga Fart Incident

17 Ways to Make Your Facebook Statuses SO Much Less Boring

Dan Pearce — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 07:05:03 +0000

Look. Pretty much all of us love Facebook. There’s no reason to lie about that or cover it up. Social networking is a fun and guilty pleasure that makes our lives so much more interesting. I mean, you get it all with Facebook. Drama. Laughs. Blunders. Whining. Romance. Getting on Facebook is like watching a special episode of Days of Our Lives guest-starring Jim Carrey, Betty White, Morgan Freeman, and that one creepy guy that shows up in every movie but no one knows his name.

That being said, some work needs to be done. Facebook has been around for what, eight years now? And as I scroll through my feed I can see that people still really need a quick lesson of how to phrase their status updates so that they don’t bore the world to death.

And I get it. I get that most of our daily lives are completely boring (mine is no different), and that we need to post at least something every day to let the world know that we’re still breathing. I just think we can all do it in a way that, you know, doesn’t suck. Hopefully this little guide helps.

17 Ways to Make Your Facebook Statuses
SO Much Less Boring

1)

When you’re excited about food.

Facebook status you’ve seen a million times:

“Stopped at Papa Tony’s and got a couple pizzas for dinner. The kids are looking forward to a night of unhealthy eating!”

The less boring way to update your status:

“Right this second in the back seat of my car (I kid you not) is 200,000 calories that I intend to let my kids devour and not feel guilty about in the slightest.”

2)

When your lover was amazeballs.

Facebook status you’ve seen a million times:

“Oh my gosh. Can I tell you how amazing my husband is? I came home to the dishes done and a clean house!”

The less boring way to update your status:

“Listen ladies, what I’m about to say is going to make you want my hubby. He just cleaned the whole house while I was gone. Please be respectful and know that I can only lend him out to one of you at a time."

3)

When you just broke a sweat.

Facebook status you’ve seen a million times:

“Just ran a 5K, had my best time yet!”

The less boring way to update your status:

“I am a freak of nature. I’m pretty sure my mother was a cheetah and my father was a Ferrari because I just ran the best 5K of my life!”

4)

When you just realized how
bored you currently are.

Facebook status you’ve seen a million times:

“I’m trying to decide what color to paint the baby’s room. Any suggestions?”

The less boring way to update your status:

“I am so bored right now that I’m starting to think about things I normally wouldn’t. Like whether or not it would be pleasant to have a walrus sit on my face.”

5)

When you realize your body is falling apart.

Facebook status you’ve seen a million times:

“Ugh. Results came back from the doctor’s office and all they pointed to were more tests.”

The less boring way to update your status:

“My test results from the doctor left me thinking that one of two things must be true. Either I’m about to be dead, in which case I leave my garbage pail kids collection to my older sister who was always jealous. Or, I’m a serious hypochondriac, in which case she better keep her mitts off.”

6)

When your kid is the cutest ever.

Facebook status you’ve seen a million times:

“I can’t tell you how much I love my little guy. Every day I feel so blessed to be the mother of such an amazing tiny person.”

The less boring way to update your status:

“The big guy in the sky obviously loves me more than you. Why else would he give me a kid like this? I can’t get enough of him! Oh, and are any of you free to babysit Friday night? I really need a parenting break.”

The Pillow Spinning Incident

Dan Pearce — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 19:00:47 +0000

Ahem.

Question, At what age do we grow up?

The answer is, hopefully never.

Which is why today you get to see this.

In my *attempt* to balance on a big ol’ ball while spinning a pillow on my finger, I had a wee bitty mishap.

Enjoy. Hopefully it makes your Monday blues a little more palatable.�
Continue reading: The Pillow Spinning Incident

Karma, The Old Woman, And Me

Dan Pearce — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 07:30:34 +0000

Yesterday I was at Target and the lines were horrifically long at checkout for some reason. No. Seriously. I’m not exaggerating. They were so bad you’d think I was at Walmart on Christmas Eve. Or at Disneyland trying to get into Splash Mountain. Or at the mall trying to get my autograph cause I’m, like, so hot right now (somebody please recognize me, someday, please!).

I had hardly anything in my cart. A carton of milk. Toaster Strudels. Rockstar Recoveries. Beard dye. You know, bachelor stuff. The average load in each of the 46 carts in front of me was about 392 items, and by how things were going, at least half of those items weren’t ringing up properly or needed manager assistance.

I wanted to go put all my man-stuff away and come back when the impending-apocalypse wasn’t going on, but my beard roots were growing by the second and they were screaming at me to stick with it.

Then behind me hobbles up this old woman and chooses my line to get in. Judging by her meticulously stacked cart, she had gone through a Tetris addiction in the eighties, which probably was during her eighties. Her skills were obviously slacking though because the stack was towering dangerously high.

I looked at her cart. It’d probably take the cashier a good 20 minutes just to beep her stuff through. I looked at my cart. It’d take the cashier a good 50 seconds to beep my stuff through. I looked at the woman. She was old. And she was hobbling. And my brain said, “dude, it’s only a 50 second difference for her.” And my heart said, “dude, it’d make a 50 second difference for her,” which, by the looks of her might be a significant percentage of the life she had left
Continue reading: Karma, The Old Woman, And Me

A “Special” Lesson in Giving Choices to Our Kids

Dan Pearce — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 09:25:39 +0000

Time for some parenting 101. Today let’s talk about giving our kids choices and learning how to never say no.

How often do you struggle as a parent to get your kid to do what you want them to do? How often does your little one scream, “NO!” And how often are you left scratching your head over how to handle it?

The answer is choices. Don’t ever say okay when they say “no” to you. Find a way to offer them a choice. Every time. And don’t ever say no when they ask for something they can’t have. Find a way to say yes. Every time.

Let me demonstrate just how easy parenting can be.

Dad: Noah, how about egg burritos for breakfast this morning?
Noah: Dad, I hate egg burritos!
Dad: Would you rather have an egg burrito or a poop sandwich? I’m happy to make either.
Noah: Grrrr. Egg burrito.
Dad: You promise you’ll eat it? Because I kind of would rather have poop sandwiches for breakfast now that I think about it.
Noah: I’ll eat it, I promise!
Dad: Okay, you want an egg burrito, you’ve got it.

See how easy parenting can be? Here are some more examples
Continue reading: A “Special” Lesson in Giving Choices to Our Kids

Cindy Lou Teaches How to Give an Incredible Foot Rub

Dan Pearce — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 07:20:55 +0000

Cindy Lou is back, and this time she is teaching us how to win over a man’s heart by giving him a foot rub that he’ll never forget.

Our little game is this. I’m behind the camera talking. She’s in front of it with no clue what I’m going to say. Just before we hit record, she gives me any random topic and I just go with it. It’s a little too much fun
Continue reading: Cindy Lou Teaches How to Give an Incredible Foot Rub

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER. Vol. 2

Dan Pearce — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 07:01:29 +0000

Today, let’s just laugh. It’s Monday. We all need a reason.

I never have awesome jokes. People say, “tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly.

So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.

So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as “free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.

Or skip straight to them. Whatever floats your boat.

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER
Continue reading: BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER. Vol. 2

My Final 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being

Dan Pearce — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 15:00:58 +0000

The world is full of awesomeness, and it’s also full of awesome, ummm, how do I put this… *opportunities* to be decent and better human beings.

Over the last couple years, I have been keeping a funny list with the intent to write a blog post about all the little rules for basic human decency I come across. Most of these are just observances of people and situations. A few are things I knew I could have done better. Anyways, I finally pulled the list up and realized it was *super* long (the count was 99) so I decided to share it 33 rules at a time so that your eyes don’t permanently glaze over. This is the last of those lists.

My Final 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being
Continue reading: My Final 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being

A Trip to the Extreme: Drunk Stability Ball Tricks

Dan Pearce — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 15:00:27 +0000

I have two questions for you.

What good is a stability ball if you can’t do out of the ordinary tricks with it?

And, what good is a stability ball if you can’t do out of the ordinary tricks with it… while you’re slightly under the influence?

LOL. Okay, confession time. I had a few friends over last weekend, and we may have started making screw drivers at one point in the evening. The next morning I woke up and my friend had texted me this video which he so kindly decided to record of me as I demonstrated some of my mad Swiss Ball skills.

I apologize in advance. I had nothing better to share today.

No.

You know what? I will say you’re welcome in advance.

Yeah.

You’re welcome
Continue reading: A Trip to the Extreme: Drunk Stability Ball Tricks

Ode to Facebook Friends

Dan Pearce — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 15:00:15 +0000

I wrote this short poem in an attempt to explore just how some of our Facebook friend lists got so out of control. Enjoy. Be sure to read both pages.

ODE TO FACEBOOK FRIENDS

I signed up for Facebook,
I didn’t have to think twice.
So many were joining
this over-sharer’s paradise.

Twas two thousand and seven
This could be fun, I thought.
I can share a few laughs
and all the great photos I’ve got.

Click here, Facebook said.
To find all of your friends!
And all the people from high school,
and all your old girlfriends.

“Woohoo, this is awesome!”
I screamed with a smile,
as I sent hundreds of friend requests,
and I built my profile.

It was finally my chance
to prove that I am the man,
to stack up my friend count,
in every way that I can
Continue reading: Ode to Facebook Friends

Parking Etiquette for Dummies

Dan Pearce — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 15:00:57 +0000

Today I just want to do two things.

1) Show off my mad computer graphics skills.

2) Teach the drivers of small cars how to park.

Let’s say I’m driving through a parking lot, and the lot is full. We’ve all been there. And I’m getting tired. And my butt is starting to sweat. And I don’t know how it’s possible that everyone else is finding parking spots, and nobody is coming back out to their cars to leave…

And then I see it, ahead. An empty parking spot. (I told you I had mad graphic skills.)

And I’m like…
Continue reading: Parking Etiquette for Dummies

The Next 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being

Dan Pearce — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 15:00:55 +0000

This week has turned into a week of lists, haha. This is the second installment of my “Crummy Human Being” series. Be sure to check out the first one as well.

The world is full of awesomeness, and it’s also full of awesome, ummm, how do I put this… opportunities to be decent and better human beings.

Over the last couple years, I have been keeping a funny list with the intent to write a blog post about all the little rules for basic human decency I come across. Most of these are just observances of people and situations. A few are things I knew I could have done better. Anyways, I finally pulled the list up and realized it was *super* long (the count was 99) so I decided to share it 33 rules at a time so that your eyes don’t permanently glaze over.

My Second 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being
Continue reading: The Next 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.

Dan Pearce — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 15:00:50 +0000

Yesterday, I ticked off a LOT of you by telling you about my things to splurge on when I’m poor list. I also had a LOT of you climbing onto your roofs just to sing my accolades. That to me is a good day of blogging.

Today, let’s just laugh. I don’t want anyone having a heart attack, and this time of year roofs can be slippery and dangerous.

My late sister Carissa (she had Down’s Syndrome) loved telling jokes. She carried her little joke books around and loved to make people laugh. Her favorite joke was the one in the image above. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie into it.

I never have awesome jokes. People say, “tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly.

But when I’m an old fart I know the wit won’t be as witty as it used to be, and I decided I need to start building an armoire of short jokes now that I can tell my kids and grandkids and great grandkids. Right after I die, I want to pop my eyes open all the sudden and just as I fade away into eternity say, “bury me with that music I wrote when I was younger.” They’ll say, “why?!” I’ll say, “I might as well spend my time underground decomposing.”

Okay. That wasn’t my joke. My Grandma Ann always has a joke up her sleeve. It doesn’t matter the topic of conversation. Last night she told us that joke about Beethoven. And she told us three or four other priceless jokes over the course of the evening. And I just want to be like her when I’m old. And like Carissa.

So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.

So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as “free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.

BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”

I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!

What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head)

Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE

Cindy Lou Lays Out the Rules of Facial Hair

Dan Pearce — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 21:21:29 +0000

If you weren’t among the four people who noticed that I shut down my other blogs, you probably never met Cindy Lou. She made an appearance several months ago over on my Dear Dan blog (may it rest in peace).

Anyway… we made this video just before Christmas and I totally forgot about it until I randomly came across it on my phone today.

Our little game is this. I’m behind the camera talking. She’s in front of it with no clue what I’m going to say. Just before we hit record, she gives me any random topic and I just go with it. It’s a little too much fun
Continue reading: Cindy Lou Lays Out the Rules of Facial Hair

33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being

Dan Pearce — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 15:00:44 +0000

The world is full of awesomeness, and it’s also full of awesome, ummm, how do I put this… opportunities to be decent and better human beings.

Over the last couple years, I have been keeping a funny list with the intent to write a blog post about all the little rules for basic human decency I come across. Most of these are just observances of people and situations. A few are things I knew I could have done better. Anyways, I finally pulled the list up and realized it was *super* long (the count was 99) so I decided to share it 33 rules at a time so that your eyes don’t permanently glaze over.

My First 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Bein
Continue reading: 33 Rules to Not be a Crummy Human Being

Best Photobomb Idea Ever

Dan Pearce — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 19:00:33 +0000

During my trip to Las Vegas last weekend, we took a moment for an innocent, albeit sexylishous, photo op. We liked the pic, so I Instagrammed it and Facebooked it.

It was only later (when I saw the image on my much bigger laptop screen, and after several of you pointed it out) that I realized there was some seriously epic photo bombing going on behind us (click to enlarge)…
Continue reading: Best Photobomb Idea Ever

10 Things You Should Repeat Aloud Every Day

Dan Pearce — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 15:30:05 +0000

I admittedly was very hungry and doped up on cold medicine when I wrote this. Blame the people who got me sick.

Anyway, they say daily mantras will make your day (and your life) so much better, so here are the top ten mantras you should say every… single… day.

10 Things You Should Repeat Aloud Every Day

1. “You are the creator of your universe. There are no limits to what you can achieve.”

Unless you want to run faster than a Kenyan. That’s just not going to happen. You also will probably never make pancakes that aren’t flat. At a certain point they just become biscuits. But everything else is yours for the universe to grant you.

2. “Blessed are those who have no expectations, for they will never be disappointed.”

Except for those who don’t expect to never be disappointed. Crazy stuff always happens to those guys. I’m talking Twilight Zone crazy.

3. “What you think habitually can be achieved realistically.”

For example, I have gotten in the habit of thinking that consuming large amounts of deep dish pizza will melt my extra fat pockets away. I’ve been trying this, and so far I’m still in that phase where the universe tests my resolve. In this case by making me fatter. But it will happen. I habitually think about it, after all.

4. “Health, happiness, love, and money are infinite.”

Just don’t look in your bank account before or after you repeat this mantra and you’ll be fine
Continue reading: 10 Things You Should Repeat Aloud Every Day

More Completely Useless Information About Las Vegas

Dan Pearce — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 20:31:07 +0000

Day two of Las Vegas has come and gone. This morning I ninja’d that sunshine and slept till almost eleven. And now, I’m laying here in bed and I have a bit of a headache. I couldn’t *possibly* guess why.

I learned some more information about Vegas yesterday, and figured I better share it with you before this vacation gets too far underway and I can’t remember any of it at all.

Here are some more facts about Vegas. If you missed yesterday, be sure to read that, too.

FACT: There are some amazing deals in Las Vegas if you’re looking for high fashion. Like this premium shirt. Which I really regret not buying right now.

FACT: You should never play in a poker tournament at Binions. There is this one guy who will also be playing at your table who will take all your money away because he has “better cards.” Whatever that means.

FACT: There is a tattoo parlor Downtown (a.k.a. Gehttoville, a.k.a. getchyerselfshotville, a.k.a. awesomeville) called, you guessed it, Downtown Tattoo. This is a great place to go if you’re touring Vegas and want to see stuffed cats.

FACT: If your girlfriend passes out, it’s perfectly normal to load her up onto the handlebars of your bicycle and take her through busy traffic to wherever you need to get.

FACT: Las Vegas is the city of seriously high ambition
Continue reading: More Completely Useless Information About Las Vegas

Completely Useless Information About… Vegas

Dan Pearce — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 17:03:51 +0000

Back in December, MGM Resorts offered to put me up in Vegas for a few days to celebrate everything that was going on and to get away from the stress of life for a while. I’ll give them more proper props next week. This morning, as I wait for my friends to wake up, I thought I’d share some seriously useless information with you, all gathered since I left for Vegas yesterday.

- The giant chair in Beaver (a small and amazing pig farming town on the way to Vegas) is still there. The gas station attendant is happy to take your photo. If you’re willing to buy at least one new tire from him.

- From a certain room on the 30th floor of New York, New York, at exactly 7:54 AM, the light shines so brightly through the window that two things happen. It becomes impossible to stay asleep. And, you think for a brief moment that the world is ending.

- There is a guy on the corner of Fremont St and 8th St. that mumbles funny things about aliens as you pass him.

- You can play roulette for $0.25 at El Cortez. The only trade off is, you have to be willing to get one or more communicable diseases while you’re there.

- Saddam Hussein is alive and well. I know because he showed up at our roulette table.

Continue reading: Completely Useless Information About… Vegas

A Score to be Settled

Dan Pearce — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 15:00:12 +0000

My family tends to be a very fun family.

A very loving family.

A very forgiving family.

But every once in a while, someone does something so dastardly that forgiveness is not an option. At least not until the score has been settled
Continue reading: A Score to be Settled

Nana’s “Reset Yer Day” Rice Pudding

Dan Pearce — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 23:24:01 +0000

Yesterday I shared the tale of my terrible awful no good very bad day grumpiness which I took out on everyone and everything in my path (thank you to you few astute people who made sure to point out just how much of a soulless turd I was. I wanted to get that point across, but you really drilled it in better than I ever could).

Click here for that post.

Basically, I was headed to my mom’s house to have some of her world-famous rice pudding because I needed a reset on my really crappy day.

That is how magical my mom’s rice pudding is. It really can reset any bad day. It has the ability to make unicorns do backflips. It makes Vampires get chubby and cuddly, which is exactly how they should be.

And my family played a prank on me and made me think it was all gone when I got there. And in my already crappy-day state, I turned into some weird cross between Godzilla, King Kong, and Steve Buscemi’s psycho character in Fargo.

Anyway, bazillions of you asked for the recipe, so I harassed my mom until she shared it. Please make this tomorrow or Sunday morning. Or tonight. Or yesterday. If you don’t, I will be highly offended. And just in case you need it for the motivation, here are some actual quotes about Nana’s rice pudding.

“A recent study indicates that after just two bowls of Nana’s rice pudding, 86% of violent inmates were found to be rehabilitated enough to enter society again.” ~Tom Brokaw

“I used to suffer from incurable urination. My whole life I had to urinate. After eating Nana’s Reset Rice Pudding, I never had to urinate again.” ~Steve Buscemi

“After taking one bite of Nana’s rice pudding, I began crying like a little baby. I immediately donated $1 billion dollars to a charity for people in places where rice doesn’t exist.” ~Donald Trump

“People always ask why I started dancing at the beginning of each show. It all started the first morning I tried Nana’s Reset Rice Pudding.” ~Ellen Degeneres

And, one more quote, and a very serious one, from me.

“There is crappy rice pudding. Then there is normal rice pudding. And then there is my mom’s rice pudding. NOBODY doesn’t like my mom’s rice pudding.” And this is true.

Most store bought crap is just that. Crap. A lot of homemade crap is just that. Crap. But my mom’s rice pudding is never crap. Ever.

Enjoy. Copied straight from my mom’s email
Continue reading: Nana’s “Reset Yer Day” Rice Pudding

Grandpa Said What Now? Vol. 2

Dan Pearce — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 15:00:04 +0000

What a week to start off the new year! A while back I decided to ask one of my favorite questions to you over on the SDL Facebook page. “What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard an old person say.”

More than a thousand of you replied, and your answers had me ROFLSHISMTW (A free hour of babysitting over Skype if you can guess what that means!)

By the way, in the last Grandpa Said What Now post, nobody got ROFLSHMEWS which was, “rolling on the floor laughing so hard my eyes went skewampus.” Better luck today.

Anyway, with more than a thousand, I have enough to make several posts out of my favorites. Bad news is, you only get one more of those posts today. Enjoy.

Life is not for sissies. My 100 year old gma.

My grandmother moved into the nursing home with my Grandfather and they shared a room. My grandpa asked the nurses if they could push their beds together so they could “make whoopie”. They were both over 90 at the time!

My grandfather was dying of cancer.I went to visit him in hos last few days. He was out of it most of the time from all the medicine. My aunt Christine was helping care for him. She came in to lay his bed back, told him she didn’t want to see him get sores. In one of his few lucid moments he looked up at her, patted her plump hand with his frail one, and said ” We wouldn’t want my butt to get as big as yours from sitting on it all this time”.

Spandex is a privilege, not a right.

Nice girls don’t put guys “things” in their mouths.. my 86 yr old grandma.

When my grandfather’s fly was down, he said “what can’t get up, can’t get out!”

My great-grandma used to call people “Pigf***er” as an insult. Can’t think of a funnier term. May she RIP.

My grandmother was apparently against me breast feeding because after I told her my plans to nurse my children she said “oh honey don’t do that. Your tits will go to hell!”

While I was a server, I once waited on this sweet, old, old couple, and as the elderly wife had her nose in the menu (to see the print better?), the elderly man motioned me to come closer to him. “You know the worst part about eating a vegetable?” he asks. “Getting her back in the wheelchair.” I had to leave the table I was laughing so hard. The old man smirked sweetly as his wife still had her face hidden by the menu.

“Girls can run faster with their skirts up than a man can with his pants down”- Grandma.

“These aren’t my breasts. They are just the bags they came in.” Said by an 80 something year old, prim and proper woman as I explained to her that I needed to move her breasts to place leads for an EKG. I almost died laughing.

One Thanksgiving my brother’s crazy girlfriend called during dinner and almost immediately began chewing him out, ranting on and on. Being a gentleman, he didn’t hang up on her, but also wasn’t going to just listen to her so he set the phone on the table. He would pick it up when it got quiet, say uhhuh, and then put it down again as soon as she started again. This went on for at least 20 minutes or so. My grandparents sat watching this until finally my grandmother couldn’t take it anymore. She looked at my brother and said “Jeffrey, it is time to kick the bitch to the curb.” There was a moment of shocked silence(she never swore) followed by cheers and hysterical laughter.