Sometimes I wonder if there is some great universal balancer whose job it is to make sure that nobody’s life stays too good for too long.

A month ago, I literally examined my life and found nothing to complain about. There weren’t even any small nuisances or annoyances that I was ignoring for the sake of happiness. I had a happy and healthy kid who loved me to death. I had my new [...]]]>

Sometimes I wonder if there is some great universal balancer whose job it is to make sure that nobody’s life stays too good for too long.

A month ago, I literally examined my life and found nothing to complain about. There weren’t even any small nuisances or annoyances that I was ignoring for the sake of happiness. I had a happy and healthy kid who loved me to death. I had my new and gorgeous partner in crime. My income was steady and nice. My health was perfect. I was content with who I was, and there wasn’t anyone in my personal life who wasn’t accepting of me and good to have there.

I could look anyone in the eyes and honestly tell them life was perfect for me. I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

And then for the past month it’s been big thing after big thing after big thing

Continue reading: The Great Universal Balancer

I am heading into 2013 at my life’s absolute happiest. And I don’t say that lightly.

Usually I write a blog post for New Years that tells how incredible the next year already was. It’s my way of positively thinking about the future. But this year, I’m honestly so liberated and content with life that I mostly just want to say how thankful I am for it.

And instead of the usual [...]]]>

I am heading into 2013 at my life’s absolute happiest. And I don’t say that lightly.

Usually I write a blog post for New Years that tells how incredible the next year already was. It’s my way of positively thinking about the future. But this year, I’m honestly so liberated and content with life that I mostly just want to say how thankful I am for it.

And instead of the usual New Years post, I thought I’d instead share a list of the things I had to do before I could actually be happy in my life.

This list is personal to me, but I hope that you can look at these and compare them to different yet similar dynamics in your own life and hopefully ask yourself a few (possibly tough) questions.

This got way longer than I anticipated (hey, it’s 32 years in the making!), so I’ve set it up differently today. Each item on the list has a summary paragraph that is showing, and a longer introspective section that is hidden until you click the “expand to read more” link. You can expand some or all of them to read my additional thoughts, confessions, and feelings about each of the points on this list. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway…

11 Things I HAD to Do Before
I Could Finally Be Happy

Do you ever just feel smacked around by the world?

For some reason, I feel that way right now. In so many ways. And I can’t shake it.

I feel like my closest friends have begun to distance themselves from me.

I feel like my family doesn’t really want me at their events.

I feel like my apartment isn’t clean enough.

I feel like I’ve been neglecting Noah to work.

I feel like [...]]]>

Do you ever just feel smacked around by the world?

For some reason, I feel that way right now. In so many ways. And I can’t shake it.

I feel like my closest friends have begun to distance themselves from me.

I feel like my family doesn’t really want me at their events.

I feel like my apartment isn’t clean enough.

I feel like I’ve been neglecting Noah to work.

I feel like my body is getting weaker. I’ve worked so hard to get myself to where I am, and now it feels like it’s disappearing overnight.

I feel like financial trouble is looming.

I feel like my intelligence is waning.

I feel like many of my blog readers have lost interest in me.

I feel like the people in other cars are thinking harsh thoughts about me.

I feel like people at the gym are noticing my flaws only.

I feel like winter is coming faster than usual, just to make me feel all of this even more heavily than I do now.

I can’t shake it. It’s been going on for a few days now.

A week ago I remember feeling like I was really happy. Like life was exactly as I wanted it. Like I was at the top of my game. Like all of my effort had paid off.

I’m not depressed.

I don’t think I’m depressed.

I know depression well, and this is very different.

I’ve been seeing a therapist lately to help me be less messed up. Our last session was beyond brutal. I left feeling better though. Could that still be it

Continue reading: Smacked Around By the World

I’ve had a rough couple days. So, I’m just curious. Besides kids, what makes you happy no matter what kind of day you’ve had?

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

Do you remember last week when I told you that I went on a serious Facebook defriending spree?

In that post, I mentioned briefly a Facebook message that I received from someone which sparked the whole dramatic annihilation of so many on my friends list.

The person who sent that message to me was an extended family member. The details don’t matter. But there were two parts of his rather [...]]]>

Do you remember last week when I told you that I went on a serious Facebook defriending spree?

In that post, I mentioned briefly a Facebook message that I received from someone which sparked the whole dramatic annihilation of so many on my friends list.

The person who sent that message to me was an extended family member. The details don’t matter. But there were two parts of his rather long emails that bothered me. Big time.

Sorry, don’t mean to rant, but I’m totally drunk on cold medicine right now and I just feel a need…

First he said:

“You’ve made it very clear for a long time that you are going to do what you want no matter what other people think.”

Second (referring to other family members):

“I’m not the only one who feels this way.”

I think it goes without saying that nobody likes to find out that other people, and people they care about, are discussing whether or not their life is acceptable, douchey, or on “the right track.”

I mean give me a break. I already know that to my big Mormon family I’m about as hell bound as they come.

In the Book of Mormon, there’s a story of a young man who goes around spreading falsehoods to the masses about religion and life and heaven and hell. He leads many people away from the church in his efforts. His name was Alma.

I always read that story when I was in the church and thought, wow, what a dill weed. If anybody deserved to be smitten with leprosy or brain eating maggots it was that guy. I mean… look what he’s doing to the souls of others!

Now I look at that story and I think, that’s a man who had his own convictions, and he stood by them. He wasn’t a dill weed at all

Continue reading: Guilting Me Into an Inauthentic Life

In 2003, my wife and I purchased a brand new townhome with all the trimmings. It was about 1250 square feet. I made six figures that year as an animal artist and soon we decided that our home was too small. In 2004 I jumped back into the business world and we built a brand-new home (a little more than twice the size). In 2006 [...]]]>

In 2003, my wife and I purchased a brand new townhome with all the trimmings. It was about 1250 square feet. I made six figures that year as an animal artist and soon we decided that our home was too small. In 2004 I jumped back into the business world and we built a brand-new home (a little more than twice the size). In 2006 we wanted something more, so we sold that home and bought an even nicer one in Alpine. It was one of the smaller houses in the area at just under 5000 square feet. It also appraised at well over half a million dollars. My monthly mortgage payment was $3800. I was 26 years old.

I more or less skipped college. For some reason, from a young age making money was easy for me. I found accomplishment almost everywhere I applied myself. I didn’t need college to make a good living.

My wife and I went on fantastic trips to different parts of the world. We had money to spend on all sorts of things. Gadgets. Décor. Furniture. Clothes. Cars.

And in the middle of it all, I became extremely entitled. I believed that the world owed me something because… well… I was awesome. What I didn’t know was that when you become entitled and you think you’re awesome, you always end up losing more than you’d ever imagine.

Sigh.

Believe me when I tell you that I lost a lot.

I wish I could go back in time, take that younger Dan Pearce by the shoulders, shake the hell out of him, and scream a few things to him about it all.

“Don’t worry about money now,” I’d tell him. “You’ll have your entire life to worry about money.”

He’d look at me like I was crazy. But that wouldn’t stop me.

“You will forever regret not going to school, no matter how successful you become. You’ve gotta believe me because right now you can’t see it.” I’m sure he’d snort at that. After all, he knew that he would never regret it. Not when he was making the kind of money he was. School was just a waste of time for him. “Please listen to me,” I’d continue. “School isn’t just about money. It’s about opportunity, options, and advantages in the future.”

At this point he’d probably tell me to get lost. The young Dan Pearce didn’t care much for anyone telling him he could do things better. After all. He was… awesome.

But how often do you get to go back in time and try to tell yourself important things? Not very often, so I’d keep going

Continue reading: Shaking My Younger Self By the Shoulders

For those of you who haven’t read it, allow me to sum it up very roughly. Josh is gay. He’s married to a straight woman. They have three kids. They [...]]]> Never in the history of my blog have I had so many people send me a link to the same thing and ask for my thoughts as I have with Josh Weed’s Club Unicorn post.

For those of you who haven’t read it, allow me to sum it up very roughly. Josh is gay. He’s married to a straight woman. They have three kids. They are extremely happy. They have no trouble being very intimate sexually and otherwise. And, they wouldn’t change a thing. Oh yeah… one more thing. They are devout Mormons.

Why people want my thoughts, I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it’s because of my post I’m Christian, unless you’re gay (as well as all the subsequent follow-up posts). Maybe it’s because I used to be Mormon. Maybe it’s because of the many other dynamics of happiness I delve into here on SDL that could be discussed side by side with Josh’s post. Whatever the reasons, there is no doubt that his is a post worth looking at and an assertion worth discussing.

I will say straight up, something about it rubbed me the wrong way, and it took me a while to figure out what that was, but I finally did. I’ll get to that further on.

First I want to give my thoughts as to why Josh’s post was both poignant and important by discussing the three biggest dynamics of what he published… Being gay. Being Mormon. And being married in a mixed orientation relationship.

First let’s talk about being gay.

I am straight. But guess what. I haven’t always been certain of that. I’ve received some criticism in the past from people who thought I had no place discussing the dynamics of homosexuality as a straight person. But what I haven’t ever really discussed was my own struggle to figure out my sexuality in the past.

There have been a couple time periods when I got really confused about whether or not I was gay

Continue reading: In Which I Respond to Josh Weed’s Club Unicorn Post

I’ve heard this quoted many times throughout my life. Of all the mantras that I try to live by, it is quite possibly the most important to me.

I’m 32. I know I have readers that are teenagers and readers that are in their eighties. To some I am a boy with most of my life left [...]]]> Henry David Thoreau once said, “the price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”

I’ve heard this quoted many times throughout my life. Of all the mantras that I try to live by, it is quite possibly the most important to me.

I’m 32. I know I have readers that are teenagers and readers that are in their eighties. To some I am a boy with most of my life left to live. To others I’m so far over the hill, you can’t even see the top of my head anymore. But to you young’uns (and by that, I mean those that are a lot younger than me), please don’t be offended when I say… you probably won’t fully get this post until you’re older. You may appreciate it, but you won’t fully get it. Not until you’ve passed the point in life where you really, internally realize that life not only doesn’t slow down… it runs out. And if you’re like most people, that realization won’t happen till you’re probably about 30. For some much later than that.

But no matter your age, and no matter your wealth, and no matter your health, and no matter your popularity, the clock keeps moving. Seconds keep ticking. Minutes keep accumulating. Hours turn into days which somehow turn into years. Decades begin lying themselves mercilessly across the gaps of your mind. Indeed, the older one gets, the more quickly time accumulates. Until one day, time runs out.

Now, close your eyes and count out ten seconds in your mind.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Guess what.

Those are ten seconds that you will never get back, my friend. Never. No matter how much you want them back, no matter how much you need them back, and no matter how big a difference it would make for you to get them back, they’re gone. You can not get those seconds back. Nobody can. It’s one of the greatest ways that every person on Earth is equal. Nobody can rewind the clock. Money can’t rewind the clock. Power can’t rewind the clock. Neither can popularity, love, hate, anger, or happiness.

Those ten seconds took you ten seconds closer to your death. They took me ten seconds closer to my death. In fact, every person on this planet, including those that entered the world at the very moment you started counting, ended those seconds ten seconds closer to their own deaths.

Some people even died while you were counting out those seconds. Some people didn’t have ten seconds left to give. After all, every person has their last ten seconds

Continue reading: The Life You Exchange

A couple of my readers sent me a link to this post from Dana, who writes the blog Purpose Fairy. It was so good I wrote her and asked if she’d be all right with me re-sharing it with all of you and she was awesome enough to let me. Enjoy, and be sure to check out Dana’s blog. There is a lot of good stuff [...]]]>

A couple of my readers sent me a link to this post from Dana, who writes the blog Purpose Fairy. It was so good I wrote her and asked if she’d be all right with me re-sharing it with all of you and she was awesome enough to let me. Enjoy, and be sure to check out Dana’s blog. There is a lot of good stuff over there!

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy 
By Dana from Purpose Fairy 

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT

 There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. GIVE UP YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL

Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. GIVE UP ON BLAME

 Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life

Continue reading: 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

If you’ve really followed along, you probably also understand that my message is not anti-religious at all, but rather is pro-happiness and pro-love. I just think that being anti-anything [...]]]> If you’ve followed along here on Single Dad Laughing, you know that I left my religion a couple years back and that I have some very strong feelings about the way different religious dynamics affect our ability to be happy.

If you’ve really followed along, you probably also understand that my message is not anti-religious at all, but rather is pro-happiness and pro-love. I just think that being anti-anything doesn’t really fix much at all.

I think there are some who believe my message is anti-religious just because I discuss how I have found it difficult to attain happiness and love inside of religion. But that’s just me. I know plenty of others for whom the opposite is true.

And, in the past two years I’ve really watched people on both sides of the religious fence. I’ve watched myself and the way I feel about certain things or the way I interact with others. It has all been very eye-opening.

To me it seems that there are two very different kinds of people inside of religion, and there are also two very different kinds of people outside of religion

Continue reading: The Internal Battle on Both Sides of the Religious Fence

I think as we delve further into the Happiness Series, it’s important to touch on an important dynamic that so often is forgotten in the greater happiness discussion.

I am a people watcher. I always have been, and probably always will be. I [...]]]> I think if life were meant to be taken entirely seriously, God wouldn’t have invented the smile and we certainly wouldn’t have been made capable of laughter.

I think as we delve further into the Happiness Series, it’s important to touch on an important dynamic that so often is forgotten in the greater happiness discussion.

I am a people watcher. I always have been, and probably always will be. I remember in High School, I really wanted to be a sociologist, at least until I found out there aren’t a lot of jobs for people who just want to sit around watching other people all day. But people do fascinate me. The ways they interact. The ways they react. The ways they act when they’re alone versus when they’re with other people. The ways they love. The ways they hate. The ways they express their emotions. The ways they try to make meaning of life. The ways they find happiness.

And in the end, isn’t that what we’re all trying to do? Find our own little slice of happiness?

As I watch the people around me, it seems to me that when we boil it down there are two groups of people, both of whom are searching for happiness. There is group A, the people who are told and believe that x+y+z=happiness. And there is group B, the people who go out and try and create their own equations for happiness

Continue reading: The Two Very Different Groups of People Looking for Happiness

As you know, I’ve talked a lot here about many of the big life changes I’ve made in my attempts to find happiness. Leaving my religion and divorce were two of those changes. Changes of that magnitude will be different and personal to [...]]]> I feel like a follow-up to the “Secrets” post might be a good idea. After reading through some of the responses, I realize I should probably expound on a few things.

As you know, I’ve talked a lot here about many of the big life changes I’ve made in my attempts to find happiness. Leaving my religion and divorce were two of those changes. Changes of that magnitude will be different and personal to every person. Those were just mine.

I have never preached a set of beliefs that I believe you or anyone else should subscribe to. I have never told any of you that your religion is wrong for you. I have never told any of you that your marriage should end. If you’re in a religion, I just want you to be happy in that religion. If you’re in a marriage, I just want you to be happy in that marriage. My focus here on Single Dad Laughing has been on two things lately. First, people doing what they know is right and living the beliefs they believe to be true. And second, people defining their own happiness and then living the way that will help them achieve that. Most of you get that. Unfortunately there are a few people who don’t.

There are a few people who think my message is that leaving my religion and getting divorced led to my happiness and therefore every other person should follow suit.

That would just be silly. Please allow me to clarify

Continue reading: Stay Miserable

Your wife told me a secret. She feels intimidated by you. You really scare her sometimes with your temper. She’s been keeping [...]]]> It wedges me between a rock and a seriously hard place, you know… when the people you love tell me the secrets they should probably be telling you. The secrets they wish they could tell you. The secrets they are desperate to tell you. The secrets that they might not ever tell you.

Your wife told me a secret. She feels intimidated by you. You really scare her sometimes with your temper. She’s been keeping it bottled up for years and she’s about to break. She’s terrified of what will happen if she talks to you about it

Continue reading: Why are the People You Love Telling Me their Secrets Instead of You

As a professional blogger, I have to keep a pretty firm grasp of what’s going on around here, and one of the things I keep a real close eye on [...]]]> I’m going to talk technical stuff for a split-sec, but keep reading because I think it’ll be pertinent to our overall discussion of happiness if we stitch a few things together today.

As a professional blogger, I have to keep a pretty firm grasp of what’s going on around here, and one of the things I keep a real close eye on is how often people share my posts with other people. For my blog to keep growing, I need to be writing things that people want to share. After all, almost 100% of the people who have found this blog found it because somebody else shared a link to something somewhere.

But blog growth isn’t the only reason I look at the share counts of my posts. I also keep tabs on them because they tell me whether or not something I write actually touches people the way I hope it will. They tell me if my readers and I are more or less on the same wave length. They tell me if my message is something many people are feeling or if I’m off in Never Never Land with the things that I’m writing.

There are definite patterns to be found, and much of what I post is fairly predictable in this regard. But something happened a couple weeks ago that I have been thinking about ever since. My post Whose Life is it Anyway got shared. A ton. Traffic was really high.

But the share counts were really low.

It didn’t make sense to me. In the 20 months I’ve been writing this blog, I’d never seen that happen to that degree before. Where was the high traffic coming from if it wasn’t coming from people posting links to it on their favorite social networks?

In the few days that followed posting it, I started to see an interesting picture develop. I received email after email from visitors to my blog who basically said the same thing this reader wrote

Continue reading: The Phenomenon of “Fearful Sharing”

I don’t really know what any of that means. I don’t know what this equation represents or what problem it’s trying to solve. When I look at it, I see nothing but lines, squiggles, and numbers.

But I do know this about math…

When something is missing from the equation, the answer will always turn out [...]]]> If true happiness was an equation, I bet it would look like this:

I don’t really know what any of that means. I don’t know what this equation represents or what problem it’s trying to solve. When I look at it, I see nothing but lines, squiggles, and numbers.

But I do know this about math…

When something is missing from the equation, the answer will always turn out either a little or a lot differently and sometimes it becomes impossible to solve at all.

Happiness is the same way. There are very specific equations each person must solve if they are to find what happiness really is for them. Unlike math, however, there’s no cheating off of your neighbor’s paper because the equation is quite different for every single person.

And also just like mathematics, happiness is something that takes time to learn. Nobody just wakes up one day and solves complicated calculus problems without first learning the things that lead up to it. Even the best mathematicians and scientists in the world started by learning foundational principles such as 1 + 1 = 2. Likewise, nobody can fine-tune their happiness or delve into deeper levels of happiness until they first get the basics under their belts.

Learning what makes us happy foundationally is something we spend a good portion of our lives doing. It’s also something some of us, unfortunately, never quite figure out or are never given the chance to do.

For some, their primary source of happiness might be centered in social connections. For others, family. For others, accomplishment. Some might find the main source of their happiness in animals. Others in service. Others in fitness. Some will find it in spirituality. Some will find it in learning. Some will find it in children. Primary sources of happiness are usually personal and I think are often value or moral based

Continue reading: Your Happiness Ain’t My Happiness – The Happiness Equation

I totally didn’t realize that this was the week I promised to run a couple of posts about my trip to Hollywood to screen The Lorax movie (about to hit theaters!). So, I’ll be doing some awesome Lorax posts tonight [...]]]> Okay, so I know I promised you all ten straight days of posts in The Happiness Dynamic Series. We’re five posts into it and I’ve been loving the discussion so far!

I totally didn’t realize that this was the week I promised to run a couple of posts about my trip to Hollywood to screen The Lorax movie (about to hit theaters!). So, I’ll be doing some awesome Lorax posts tonight and tomorrow night and The Happiness Dynamic Series will pick up again Tuesday or Wednesday night and trickle into next week.

I’ve also decided to write a few more posts as part of the series. These are a few things I’ve thought about after reading your comments in the first five posts. So far, this is what I want to add:

- When the One Thing Missing from the Happiness Equation is Something You Can’t Control
- Happiness isn’t all about having fun. But sometimes it has to be.
- I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up. A Look at How Love Affects Happiness.

And maybe when this series is done, I’ll have bored you all to the next town over. But I need to finish this project. I’m writing this series for me more than anything. I want to understand better what happiness means in my life. What has made me happiest to this point. Why certain things have made happiness impossible for me in the past. Why I’m happier right now than I literally ever have been. And what my own realistic expectations in all of this should be.

I hope you’ll continue to join me for the discussion. I’ve learned a lot reading some of your comments. I’ve gained some great perspective. I think we all have.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

The divorce rate passed the 50% mark several years ago. That means if you make it in your marriage, you’re officially in the minority. You’re in the small side of the numbers.

I seem to hear a lot of talk about how tragic this statistic is. I hear a lot of people spout a lot of different reasons for why the divorce rate is so [...]]]>

The divorce rate passed the 50% mark several years ago. That means if you make it in your marriage, you’re officially in the minority. You’re in the small side of the numbers.

I seem to hear a lot of talk about how tragic this statistic is. I hear a lot of people spout a lot of different reasons for why the divorce rate is so high. What I don’t seem to hear is a lot of people who have real ideas or solutions to fix this problem. And with reason. Divorce is one incredibly complex topic and no single factor is even close to universal.

I really hate being a statistic. I hate that I’m on the big side of the numbers.

But even more than that, I hate that I was too weak to have done it any differently. I hate that I didn’t know enough about myself or about life to make very many good decisions. I hate that I was very broken and burdened when I decided to get married at such a young age. And most of all, I hate that I had no idea that any of that was the case.

And so I wonder. What would have changed things for me? What would have put me on the small side of the numbers? What would have brought me success

Continue reading: Wanna Lower the Divorce Rate? Here’s an Idea…

A mother of three wakes up one morning, and tells her husband, “I want a divorce. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

Immediately all outside spectators choose sides based on the belief that her actions were caused by one of two motivators. Selfishness. Or self-care.

Those who think she acted in selfishness will take the side [...]]]> A discussion about selfishness vs. self-care and how we each fit into all of it.

A mother of three wakes up one morning, and tells her husband, “I want a divorce. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

Immediately all outside spectators choose sides based on the belief that her actions were caused by one of two motivators. Selfishness. Or self-care.

Those who think she acted in selfishness will take the side of the husband. They will call her self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic, and rash. They’ll insist she go back and work things out. They’ll dangle her children’s’ well being in front of her and predict lifelong problems and calamity for her family. And because of it all, they love her less. They treat her as less. They punish her for her choice.

Those who think she acted in self-care will come to her and offer support, help with the children, and give her a listening ear. They’ll make things easier for her. They won’t judge her. They become a better friend than they were before. Their love for this woman grows. They reward her for her choice

Continue reading: The 6 Words People Making Huge Life Choices Need You to Say

This was an email I received the day after writing, Whose Life is it Anyway.

It was one of a more than a dozen I received after that post, all of which were people either telling me that my writing gave them the courage to leave or that [...]]]> “Dan, I just wanted to write you and tell you that my wife read your blog post and decided she wants a divorce. Thanks a lot.”

This was an email I received the day after writing, Whose Life is it Anyway.

It was one of a more than a dozen I received after that post, all of which were people either telling me that my writing gave them the courage to leave or that after reading it, their spouse now wanted out.

And if I’m being honest… I don’t know if writing something that pushes people to do things that carry such heavy consequences is a heaviness I like carrying

Continue reading: When Something I Write Brings Heavy Consequences

Today, I want to talk about something that kept popping up in the comments and in the emails after the original post. People kept saying, “happiness comes [...]]]> All right, we’re humming now. Post two of The Happiness Dynamic Series. Last week I published Whose Life is it Anyway, and yesterday we started a broader 10-day discussion of happiness as we talked about the common denominator of unhappiness.

Today, I want to talk about something that kept popping up in the comments and in the emails after the original post. People kept saying, “happiness comes from within.”

It seems so cliché, doesn’t it? We’ve all heard it. And I have to ask myself, is it true? Do I really believe that? Does happiness really come from within?

Yesterday I discussed in greater detail my lifelong “chase” for extrinsic happiness. Money. Possessions. Accolade. We talked about how I had to lose all of that in order to let it go, and how letting it go is what finally led me to understand that extrinsic things really can’t bring happiness. At least not the kind that lasts.

But does the fact that extrinsic things can’t guarantee happiness automatically prove that happiness has to come from within?

I guess this is where we should really try and define happiness

Continue reading: Does Happiness Come from Within? I’m Not So Sure.

One comment that came in on that post said, “it seems to me that if your marriage, your job, and your religion weren’t making you happy, MAYBE the common denominator is YOU! [...]]]> Last week, I published a post called Whose Life is it Anyway. If you haven’t read it yet, I’d suggest you read that first as this post will mean much more to you.

One comment that came in on that post said, “it seems to me that if your marriage, your job, and your religion weren’t making you happy, MAYBE the common denominator is YOU! Maybe there is still something resonating in YOU to make YOU unhappy with everything else. It’s a bit scary that you are encouraging others to make the same choices you did. I do think you are a great writer, but I’m not sure you are qualified to be an expert on life.”

To this reader, I would simply say, “of course I’m the common denominator.”

There are the obvious common denominators. I accepted a job that I knew I wouldn’t enjoy very much. I chose to marry the woman I did. And it was I who was still trying to follow a religion long after I had stopped believing in it.

But let’s forget about those surface truths for a moment.

There are the less obvious common denominators that were also all “me” which are much more important.

Over the course of my career, I fell in love with money. I fell in love with things. I fell in love with occupational accomplishment. I grew to enjoy traveling on business and being away from my wife. I grew to believe that my income and my possessions somehow made me a better human being than others.

Over the course of my life, I came to believe that looks were more important than the heart when it came to women. I believed that anybody who loved me needed to do so without expecting anything in return. I didn’t think making my body attractive to my mate was important. I made and laughed about many degrading jokes about women. I was unwilling to give in the way I needed to for any relationship to ever work.

And, since I was a teenager, I was as much of the problem in religion as anyone else. I made snide remarks when somebody did something that I didn’t approve of. I put pressure on fellow church members to never mess up. I had my sins that I loved and which I kept hidden. I declared that I believed things that I didn’t really believe just so that I could impress others or be accepted by others.

Now, I wonder…

If I had written the post in such a way that I didn’t mention the ultimate decisions to leave or start over, but instead focused only on the common denominators, how would it have gone down?

Had I repeated those exact paragraphs above (about the less obvious common denominators) and asked you all what I should do, what would your answers for me have been? If you didn’t know that I was miserable at work, in my marriage, or in my religion, but only knew what I wrote in those three paragraphs, I’m serious… What would you tell me to do?

Read them again because this is really important in regards to the discussion.

Call me crazy, but I’m guessing you’d tell me that those things are no way for anyone to live. You’d tell me it was obvious why I was struggling. You’d tell me to do what I needed to do to fix them. You’d encourage me to rip my life apart until I was shed of those demons. Those unhealthy ways of thinking and living.

I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m betting you’d probably tell me that I would never find true happiness until those things were all a part of my past.

Right?

Now, zoom out.

And what if the only three things I told you were what I shared in that first paragraph. Here they are again.

I accepted a job that I knew I wouldn’t enjoy very much. I chose to marry the woman I did. And it was I who was still trying to follow a religion long after I had stopped believing in it.

Are you starting to see a little bit of the problem we all face every single day?

We live in a world where people judge others on the surface denominators. People tell each other what they should be doing and shouldn’t be doing based purely on those surface visuals. People think that everything is so right and wrong because they see only those definable and extrinsic parts of the lives of others.

People are almost always incapable of seeing what lies beneath. They’re almost always incapable of seeing what causes such things. They’re almost always incapable of seeing how anybody really got to where they are.

And it isn’t just the world.

We ourselves are almost always only capable of seeing and not seeing the same things in ourselves.

When I got to the point in my life where I couldn’t hold anything together anymore, and I couldn’t figure out why, do you honestly think I had any idea that those sub-surface denominators existed or were problems? Do you think I had any clue where to even look for the problems?

In case you’re not sure, the answer is no. I had no clue and I was doing nothing that would ever lead me to figure it all out.

And my answer was always… more. More money. More gifts for my wife. More time on the road. More pressure on others. More. More. More. More. More. More. More.

Always more.

And everything in my life kept falling apart.

And that’s why, even when I’d pick up the pieces again, and again, and again, it would always fall back apart. It wouldn’t stay together. Because, you see, I would always put the pieces back exactly as they were before, certain that this time it just needed a little more glue or a little more this or a little more that.

Sigh.

Continued on next page. 

The aftermath of that post has been completely different than anything I’ve ever published. The traffic was through the roof. Interestingly though, the share counts were low, and so were the comments (in relation to the traffic). I also received [...]]]> Last week I published Whose Life is it Anyway, a post that covered a smorgasbord of complicated life dynamics centered around the ever-complicated theme of happiness.

The aftermath of that post has been completely different than anything I’ve ever published. The traffic was through the roof. Interestingly though, the share counts were low, and so were the comments (in relation to the traffic). I also received more emails in the first few days of that post than I ever have before.

And maybe that doesn’t mean anything to most of you, but I live and breathe this blog. I keep my ear to the tracks here. And because there is generally a lot of traffic on SDL, things are measurable. Major differences in the way things happen usually mean a significant change in dynamic is going on.

In this case, the question is what?

Based on all the emails and comments I have received, I have my theories.

But even more than that, I realize that there are a lot of dynamics to this that still need to be discussed.

The Happiness Dynamic, as I’ll be calling it, is something that I’ve spent most of my life contemplating and thinking about. I don’t have all the answers, but I sure have fallen down a lot in the attempt to find them. I’ve also always gotten back up and learned a few things every time I did.

And so, I want to have a discussion with you over the next ten weekdays about this (hopefully starting tonight). I originally thought I could sit down and write a single follow-up post, but when I started listing out all of the dynamics I wanted to discuss, I realized that clumping it all together would be impossible.

I hope you’ll all get in on the discussion. Everyone benefits so much when we get to hear the insight of others, whether we agree or disagree, and let’s be honest… each of you have learned a thing or two about happiness (or lack thereof) as well.

Right now, these are the posts I’ll be writing, though don’t hold me to the titles (and definitely not the order)

Continue reading: The Happiness Dynamic – A 10 Day Project

“I want out of my marriage,” my friend recently told me. “But I can’t. Nobody will let me. I feel so much guilt even thinking about it.” I didn’t respond. I’ve learned it’s just best to let people keep talking sometimes. “I’ve wanted out since the beginning. We knew it wasn’t right when we got married and it’s never been right since, no matter how hard we both try or how much we both [...]]]>

“I want out of my marriage,” my friend recently told me. “But I can’t. Nobody will let me. I feel so much guilt even thinking about it.” I didn’t respond. I’ve learned it’s just best to let people keep talking sometimes. “I’ve wanted out since the beginning. We knew it wasn’t right when we got married and it’s never been right since, no matter how hard we both try or how much we both give. The whole world thinks we have this perfect marriage and we don’t.”

I knew exactly how he felt.

And then he said something that haunts me still. “Why isn’t it my life to do what I want with?”

“There’s no way,” a different friend said to me so matter of factly one day. “My mom and dad would never forgive me. My brother would freak out on me. They’d all hate me.” She was talking about her desire to leave her church behind in search for a truth that she deep down felt existed elsewhere.

Somebody else I am friends with confessed to me the secret life she lives. The life that makes her truly happy. The life she hides from everybody she loves. Because those who love her would never accept her if they knew.

“I hate this job. I can’t stand coming to work every day. I wish I could start over and pick a different path,” my colleague once lamented during a business lunch. “How did I end up here?”

“I got married when I was 19,” another friend once said. “I was a kid. Why should I have to be stuck in a life that I don’t want based on a decision I once made when I was so young and naïve? I didn’t know anything about the world back then. I didn’t know what I really wanted. And now I’m stuck. And I’m married to someone who feels the same way.”

I could go on. For pages. But you get the gist.

Over the past two years, I’ve learned that there are a lot of unhappy people in this world who feel completely stuck in their current situations. They feel trapped by the guilt that comes from those who surround them. They feel chained down by the expectations of others. They feel so small as all of the “perfect” people around them tell them exactly what life should be, how they should think, and how they should behave.

And most of us don’t even know it.

Most of us don’t see the people around us for what they’re really feeling. For who they really are. For who they really long to be.

So many of us have become masters of disguise. We’ve learned to pretend to believe, to act, and to be the very things we doubt, dislike, or even despise. And we do it for two reasons

Continue reading: Whose Life is it Anyway?