Single Fatherhood

Our Family Christmas Party

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 13:42:00 +0000

A party of 4!

Some may see it as weird... awkward... or even totally insane. A family of 4 having a full-blown Christmas party complete with invitations, program, dress code, games, intermissions, exchange gifts, and even raffle prizes!

Insane maybe, with all the laughter and teasing that went about during the party, but awkward it never was. With a single father hosting the party, that leaves only 3 members to participate in the program proceedings... and gamely they did.

You can say this is how we roll.

We have been holding this family Christmas party since Christmas 2008, and while I will always have the jitters every time the day approaches, I will always feel relieved once the party started and my children readily do their part to make the Christmas party successful.

Of course, this was started by my wife when she was still here with us. When the kids were already old enough to participate in the games, she suggested that we should hold a Christmas party and have fun. We had our first ever Christmas party in 2003, when my youngest was merely 5 years old.

She would be hosting the party then and I will be one of the game participants, together with the kids. It was fun... it was exciting... it was awesome! Since then we have been holding our Christmas party every 24^th of December, ending up with the Noche Buena feast.

And then, came Valentine’s Day of 2008, when she left us early to prepare our place in heaven. Her absence has never been pronounced than that first Christmas without her. I had to choose whether to wallow in the pool of misery and bask in the void that has enveloped our home, or make it a happy Christmas for my kids.

I knew what she wants.

So, on our first Christmas without her, I told the kids that we will continue holding our family Christmas party because that is what their mother wants and that we will be doing it in her memory.

Thus, for 5 straight years now, we have been holding our Christmas party... of 4 people... gamely playing, singing, dancing, and having fun in this annual family activity. And during the party, I will always remind them that they should continue holding the family Christmas party even when I am gone and/or they already have a family of their own.

In behalf of my kids, I want to greet all of you a Merry Christmas and a Blessed 2015!

Changing my preference

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Mon, 15 Jul 2013 05:32:00 +0000

When I go to the department store before, I used to always go to the hardware section. Being the frustrated handyman that I was, I often browse at all those power tools that I know I will never use.

However, as of late, I notice a drastic change in my preference.

No! It’s not what you think. NOT THAT PREFERENCE!

Lately, whenever I go to the malls and department stores, I find myself wandering on the kitchenware and kitchen appliances section of the place. It happens naturally, as if my feet have a mind of their own.

It does not really feel weird... until I become conscious of what I am doing.

Instead of power tools, I find myself touching non-stick frying pans, checking if they are genuine non-stick pans or were just coated with black latex pain.

Chancing upon a shallow crystal dish, I can’t help but check it while whispering to myself, “This would be great for serving during parties.”

WAIT A MINUTE! I DON’T HOLD PARTIES!!!

Then it dawned unto me... it is inevitable.

While I acknowledge the fact that the kitchen is not my domain, it does not mean I should stay away from it forever. I knew sooner or later, I should take charge... and my subconscious mind was way ahead of me.

Thus those trips to the kitchen wares, gadgets, utensils and appliances were actually my subconscious mind telling me to find the “power tools” I need to make my kitchen exploits bearable, credible... and edible.

Yes, I’m still building my knowledge and skills on kitchen hardware. It’s a long way to go, but at least now, I am aware... and conscious of what I am doing.

Grow up with the kids

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Sat, 22 Jun 2013 16:25:00 +0000

Kids grow up. It's inevitable. When they do, it is important that we should also grow up with the kids.

Easier said than done.

Since assuming the dual role of mother and father to my three kids, I've never been so conscious of being in control. I've always been a control freak, but unlike before where there was someone who was neutralizing me, I have to weigh everything by myself now.

I always wanted to spend time with the kids… and I was expecting the same from them.

I wanted a solid family - intact, close-knitted, and always there for one another. I wanted to always see them together.

There was no problem when they were still young where they cannot really go anywhere without me. But as they grew older, they learned to explore on their own… AND they needed to explore on their own.

The anxiety I felt on letting go of my son on his first field when he was still a tiny tot is nothing compared to the anxiety and frustrations I felt when he cannot be there when I wanted him to be. He has his own world now, and while he still goes out with us every now and then, he already has his priorities now.

I know I can't take that away from him.

But while I was extending him his freedom, albeit against my will, I never wanted to do anything if I don't have my three kids complete. And in a way, I was denying my other kids because I don't want my eldest to be 'left out' of the fun.

Little by little, however, I am beginning to accept the fact and trying to adjust with having just two kids for the family activities. Especially now that he is away from us for his review class. If it's any consolation, my eldest do exert effort to join us whenever he can.

Soon, I know the two younger ones will go the same way too… leaving me by my lonesome.

Growth is inevitable… I just hope that foundations of values embedded in them are strong enough to guide them.

I pray.

Our family is far from perfect

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 03:34:00 +0000

Me and my kids... we’re not a perfect family. In fact, our family is far from perfect. We’re not even ideal. We’re just like other family – NORMAL.

We have our falling out every now and then. I shout at my kids and they answer back, always. You can say that we have an ‘open communication.’

But it’s not always Royal Rumble or a debate session going on in our house. We goof up too, a lot times. Sometimes, even at a midst of a quarrel. Maybe that’s beyond normal, but it happens.

Still, as the saying goes... I couldn’t ask for any other kids. Of course, there would always be the wish that I could have been a better father to them.

We go out... have fun at the malls... watch movies together... dine out together – family stuffs. And then start going at each other’s throat as soon as we reach home. Discussions as to who would clean the plate... who should feed the dogs... who should close the gate... petty things.

Until it becomes quiet again when we sleep, waking up in the morning as if nothing happened.

Yes, there are times when we hate each other’s guts. When we couldn’t even bear hearing one breathe beside us. When even the most innocent remark could trigger a ruckus anew. That’s our family.

Then there are times that we are inseparable. When we cannot stop laughing because we never run out of jokes or silly things to say. Recall even sillier moments when they were young or be nostalgic as we remember all the things that my wife did when she was still with us. Yes, that’s our family.

We look happy in our pictures. We always try to look happy, and it’s not just for show. It’s because we are. We may seem to be incomplete, but we are happy.

Happy that we always have each other. Happy that we can argue with each other and still sleep under the same roof at night. Happy to wake up each morning knowing that everyone’s still there, safe and sound.

Because at the end of the day, we’re all that we got. Yes, we may fight with each other... but we will always fight for each other.

We are far from perfect. But we’re a family... and we got each other’s back.

Letting go...

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Mon, 27 May 2013 03:41:00 +0000

(Something I wrote back in the year 2000... an exaggerated anxiety over a very trivial matter. Read on.)

Do you know how a child feels when he let go of a balloon that he loves so much? Or how it feels when you set a bird free after you took care of it in its cage for so many years? Or letting your fish swim in the ocean after it has swam in your aquarium for so long?

That’s how I felt when I left my son this morning in school to join his classmates and teachers on their field... his FIRST field trip.

Of course, you might say that the metaphor wasn’t right because balloons, fishes and birds don’t come back, but my son will surely go home after the trip. Nonetheless, the feeling of fear and anxiety doesn’t differ... perhaps more intense.

Actually, this feeling isn’t really new to me. I felt the same way the first day I left my boy in school. I was able to survive that. What would make a difference now? I don’t know, but as I was walking away this morning, frequently looking back, I can’t help but worry.

Looking at him... so young... small... and fragile. After all, he is only eight years old, in the company of absolute strangers! Well, at least they are strangers to me.

The irony of it all is that my son doesn’t show any signs of fear or anxiety.

He looks so happy talking to his friends, mixing, blending, and losing himself in the crowd without even looking to check if I’m still there.

Maybe that that’s what I fear... to realize that my son can already take care of himself.

Ralph Emerson gave me my first taste of fatherhood. Everything that I know about being a father, I owe it all to him.

Nobody taught me better than my son, as I walk through life with him, I learn new things everyday. It’s like seeing it all again for the first time... through the eyes of a child.

And now, he is teaching me again another new thing – that of letting go... too soon.

Just when I thought that I was ready for anything that life can give me, now this. I wasn’t prepared for this. I don’t think I ever will be. Again, it’s too soon.

Like what they always say, being a father is a tough job. You got to work hard to be able to provide your children all their needs. You got to be tough to be able to discipline them. You have to teach them to be good and God-fearing citizens. You have to guide them so that they won’t stray in the wrong direction. You have to be tough in times of troubles for them to feel secure. And you got to be good to serve as a role model for them.

Well, guess what? Those were the easy parts!

You have to be tough to be able to let go. To be distant when you’re not needed to be around... to accept the fact that your child has grown up.

Perhaps, the father needs the son more than the son needs the father.

For through the son, the father develops a sense of confidence and a feeling of security.
For through the son, the father has someone who sincerely looks up to him.
Through the son, the father has enough motivation that can push him through the hardest of times.
And only through the son, a father can be one.

Now that my son has a taste of freedom, he may like it. He may develop enough self-confidence... he may discover that he can take care of himself.

When that happens, does that mean that I’m through? Am I done being a father?

See? I told you. Nothing can make a father more secure than a child he can be a father to.

You can teach your child lots of things. He may easily grasp some things, while he may have difficulty learning other things. But I think the hardest thing to teach is independence. Because for a child to be independent, you got to let him be independent!

That means no breathing over his shoulders, no checking every five or ten minutes and looking back when you walk away.

It means you got let go. Loosen your grip, cut those imaginary strings and break those invisible boundaries. You got to let go.

For your child to be independent, you also have to be independent from your child. Trust that you have taught him enough... that you have established a foundation strong enough that could carry your child through life.

Step back and let go.

As I am filled with anxiety and worries about my son going on field trip, I am also excited in meeting him tonight back home from his field trip... his first field trip.

Seeing through his eyes all the things that he has seen and I’ll listen to him patiently as he tells me, perhaps with enthusiasm, all the places that he has been, all the things that they did, and everything that he learned today... without me.

Written on September 15, 2000

4:27 p.m.

As of the date of this posting, Ralph has already graduated from college. In less than a week, he'll be leaving our home to stay in Manila (approx. 80 kms from us) to attend a review class for his upcoming CPA board exam in October 2013. Once again, I am feeling the same anxiety on letting go. I hope he will be safe while he is away from us.

UPDATE: DECEMBER 1, 2013

Ralph passed the CPA Board Exam and is now a licensed professional. He left home to stay in Makati, 85 kms. (approx.) from us, to start his professional life working in one of the biggest auditing company in the Philippines. May the Lord always guide and protect him.

The kitchen is not my domain

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Thu, 23 May 2013 04:01:00 +0000

Modesty aside, I used to be a good cook. No, make that a great cook – that was according to my wife.

When she was still with us, and I would be cooking, my dish would always turn out good, if not perfect... and it was not just my word.

But like what I said, that was when she was still here with us. Now, I seem to be an alien in the kitchen. I can’t seem to make heads or tails. Really, the kitchen is not my domain.

Easily, I could always ask her before. I would know what to do next, which ingredients to put in first, what are the signs that I would be looking for – boiling, smoke, browning, burning... err, how many minutes, I mean. Just like having a backseat driver, although it was most welcomed and much need.

Sadly, now that she is gone, I can’t seem to remember what to do, how to start, which one to put in first, and what are the ingredients needed in the first place.

Unlike now, everything was already present then. All the things that are needed were already at hand, and all I needed to do was just to stretch my muscles and put all things together.

Of course, I can fry. In fact, this single father has been serving his children fried foods most of the time. The only soup we’ll have would mostly come from those instant noodles. Hey! I know it’s not the healthiest dish, but if I can do more, I would.

I make up for those fried foods and instant noodles marathon by taking them out to eat sometimes, so they can eat real foods. But that can be quite expensive, and still, not a good substitute for home cooked meals.

Fortunately for me, my son Ralph knows how to cook. Unlike me, he remembered what his mother taught him, and he isn’t really much afraid to take risks. He still has a lot to learn though, but definitely he’s far better than his father could ever be in the kitchen.

As for me, I’m still trying to find the resolve to finally take the plunge, because I know I should take charge.

So, while the kitchen is not my domain, for now at least, I definitely will take actions to be a ~~good~~ great cook for my kids... someday... soon... very soon... very, very soon.

Honey, I'm home! I forgot... I'm not married

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Sun, 19 May 2013 01:18:00 +0000

Is this familiar? Has this happened to you yet?

If you were never married and has been a single father from the start, this would be a rare occurrence, or if ever, it would be just a joke… a punch line.

But if you were married, and all of a sudden you find yourself alone, it is not impossible that it could happen to you.

More than four years since my wife’s demise, I still forget sometimes that I am already alone.

This is most especially true when something exciting happens, something really good came to me during the day. I was excited and I cannot wait to get home to tell my wife the whole story… only to burst my own bubble when I remembered that I have no wife to tell my story to.

You could just imagine how heavy my heart feels when I have something bothering me and I have no one tell it to.

Thanks goodness, I haven’t shouted that line at the door. Not yet, at least.

But the feeling was there… the expectation that someone would be waiting for you at home… and then the frustration… it is no laughing matter.

I managed to get hold of myself. I’m tough. I’m supposed to be.

And I am thankful that I still have the kids waiting for me to get home… and share with them any good news that I bring home.

I am selective though when it comes to the ‘not-so-good’ news.

So what if it's Mother's Day?!

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Mon, 06 May 2013 03:32:00 +0000

So it’s Mother’s Day! Now what?!

Do single fathers celebrate Mother’s Day as well? Being the one who also assumes the role of the mother in the house.

Well… yes and no, I guess.

Yes because, who would your children greet when they do not have their mother around? And it’s not really surprising that other people who realize your situation also greet you a Happy Mother’s Day, right?

But that’s as far as the celebration goes… in greetings only.

Seriously now, have you seen a family, with only a father present going out on Mother’s Day?

And what about promos, discounts and freebies given by shopping malls, restaurants, fast food outlets and department stores during Mother’s Day? Can a father approach the personnel concerned and say:

“Excuse me, I am really a single father. Theoretically, I also play the role of the mother in the house. Can I avail of your promo for this day?”

Expect a wide-eye reaction, at least, for your inquiry.

Actually, I haven’t tried that yet. Maybe I should. I wonder what would be the reaction that I’ll get?

Anyway, while I don’t see the point, I really don’t see anything wrong either. Of a single father celebrating the day with his kids… even if it’s only for the sake of the children.

To all the mothers… and all single fathers included… Happy Mother’s Day!

I wish I can claim all the credit

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 10:11:00 +0000

Last week, my eldest son graduated from college. Finally! A college graduate in the family!

Ralph finished Accounting and will be taking his review in preparation for the CPA board exam in October.

Of course, being the proud father that I am, I immediately uploaded pictures of his graduation on my Facebook account. It wasn’t long before the pictures got a number of Likes and comments from my relatives and friends.

Congratulations were given both to my son and me. Ralph for finally graduating and me for having a son finished college.

It’s every parent’s dream. One of a parent’s greatest accomplishments. Now, it’s my greatest accomplishment as a single father.

I wish I can claim all the credit for Ralph’s graduation. But I know I can’t... I just can’t. I wasn’t just me.

Getting him through college, I was practically crawling. Having a meager income, and with two younger children going to school too, it was really an impossible task to make both ends meet. In fact, I did not.

But I have to keep the kids going to school while making sure there’s food on the table, clothes on their back, and a roof above their head.

Every father should do that, right? But I just can’t... by myself, at least.

To supplement my income I tried selling whatever I can sell from our things in the house. With no savings, I knew we won’t last long. So I had to resort to borrowing.

I borrowed money with interests which only worsened the problem. Then I borrowed from some friends... and some other friends... and some other friends. I also borrowed from relatives to keep our heads above water.

In other words, I abused friendship and bloodlines.

As my son finished college, I have fewer friends who want to talk to me, depleted my relatives resources, and I feel that I have developed a thick epidermis from showing my face and borrowing money left and right.

Now that Ralph is finished, I know it wasn’t just me who sent him to college – it were my friends, my sister, my mother, my relatives. In fact, I might actually have a little percentage if the figures were tallied.

So I can’t really claim all the credit. I just had to make sure he’d make it through college... even if it means throwing my pride out of the window.

Oh no!!! I have a teenager for a daughter!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 04:40:00 +0000

NOTE: This post was written in March 2011, when my only daughter turned 13. It was one of the earlier post in my old Single Fatherhood blog.

Last January, my daughter turned 13. Yes, I know. That was already two months ago. Well, it didn't sink in on me then yet. She was still a baby then… I’d like to think that she still is.

There were apprehensions, sure. At the back of my mind, paranoia was stubbornly bugging me. I was trying my best to brush it off. How bad could it be? I mean, she was not the first teenager in the house! She was the third, actually.

But she was the only girl… and the youngest. Yes, her brothers didn't bring me much concern when they turned 13. I refuse to be bitten by the double standards of child rearing… nothing could go wrong!

Or could it?

Then, there were screen flashes. Images of Steve Martin from the movie Father of the Bride kept on playing on my mind. Followed by Robin Williams who was so sweet and playful with a cute little girl on one scene, and then the next screen showed him fighting and arguing with the girl who’s already a teener in the person of Jojo from the movie RV (Runaway Vacation).

Paranoia?

Nah! There’s nothing to be worried about. I am on top of the situation.

First, my daughter now goes home by herself. She doesn't want me to pick her up from school anymore. Okay, no problem. She should learn to be independent anytime soon.

Then, phone calls. Not really often, and not really as long as those we see in the movies. But they happen, whereas before, they were not non-existent.

Next, receiving a phone call or text message from her that says, “Dad, I’m in my classmate’s house. Were doing a project/practicing a dance routine for school.” “Okay, fine. Just take care of yourself.”

See! I’m in control! I am on top of the situation. NO NEED TO PANIC!

NOOOOOO!!!!!

I am being pushed out of the picture… little by little.

I promised myself that I will never be a hindrance to my children’s growth. I will let them learn, experience, discover, and enjoy life just as any growing kid should.

Can I take back that promise now?

It’s barely six months into her teen years, and already there are a lot of changes… and I sometimes want to shout…. HELP!!! I HAVE A TEENAGER FOR A DAUGHTER!!!

P.S. Two years after this post was written, with my daughter now already 15, nothing much has really changed. My Angel never pushed me out of the picture, and she is still my little darling.

Single Fatherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Roy) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 01:02:00 +0000

While single parents are quite common today, single fathers are still a rarity compared to their female counterparts. The first reason being, it is most common that it is the man who abandons thus leaving the woman on her own (and I’m not exactly proud of it).

The second reason is that, single fathers do not really stay as such for long. For a lot of reason, one being men could not really live on their own for so long. Yes, we can all blame it on our mothers who used to do everything for us – even finding that missing pair of socks.

Another reason for their rarity in existence is perhaps, not many single fathers would admit that they are such. While not all would really deny their status, some, especially the younger ones would readily do so when they are in front of a woman they seem to have their eye on.

Of course, these are not all the reasons, and neither are they absolute. There could be more, and a much deeper explanation for them. These are just what I could recall at the top of my head right now.

This is my first post for this blog, and these are what entered my mind. Being a single father for more than four years, I wonder why there weren’t too many single fathers with whom I can share experiences with.

And so this post introduces my new blog, Single Fatherhood, as a take on the life and assume the role of a father and a mother.

This is single parenting… from a man’s point of view.