Single Indian Girl

Update on Mr. Chicago...And Let Me Tell Ya About Mr. Detroit....

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Wow, its been forever since I've written! Well I wish I had this wonderful love story to share with you...but everytime I thought I got close to being able to share one, life took another twist.

Mr. Chicago:
We went out 2 more times. And seriously, like wow in terms of being able to just kick back and laugh and flirt with someone. Every conversation was fun and I was really getting excited about this guy! And then before I left for a nice long vacation, he tells me he wants us to see each other more often if this is going to go somewhere...that he's going to miss me when I'm gone and to stay in touch. So I stay in touch....and he disappears! Shazaam! Just gone. Never to be heard from again. In retrospect, his surgeon "I am God" attitude, combined with his vulgar language, may have been much to handle in the long run. So I have to keep believing that things happen for a reason and someone better is out there for me.

Enter Mr. Detroit:
We had been talking for a little while and then we finally met up in January, he flew out to come meet me and we spent a nice day in NY together followed by dinner the night after. We both had a good time and we texted and talked everyday after that. He was the "nice guy", the one I needed to fall for and end up with...the one where everything was going to be happily ever after. Sometimes I felt like we didnt really get each other but I figured let me give it time. He wasn't finding everything cute about me the way people do when they first meet you, but I figured let me give it time. I went out to see him and we spent a weekend together, overall having a pretty good time. He really took care of me when I was there and it was no doubts fun. Every now and then he would mention things about us in the future and it was nice. Well, here's the kicker. Cause with everyone I meet, there always seems to be one. He has depression. Been dealing with it for years. He sees a therapist on and off and at times it has gotten really really bad. He mentioned maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship right now because he has some deep issues he needs to deal with. And then tonight, during another "down" day, he said it again...that even his therapist has mentioned to him over the years that he may not be ready for relationships. He said he knew he wasnt being fair to me and not giving me what he should be....and so tonight, that too ended. Part of me was trying super hard to make it work....but I have to say, there is some relief in that its over. I kept wondering what life with him would be like, and would I be able to deal with him if he became suicidal. I knew I would live with that fear everyday. I didnt know how bad his depression really was....but after talking to him tonight, I know its not where I want to be, nor is he in a place in his life where he can truly love someone. He said he's tried before and even in a relationship, he's felt lonely. I am proud of him for realizing that he needed to figure things out in his life. And I am proud of me for not trying to convince him otherwise or for holding onto something out of desperation.

So here I am. Alone again. Going to have to start going through the profiles, one after another. Hoping to come by one that works, or one I can make work. I just want something to work. As you can see, I am willing to try at this point in my life with anyone that seems decent (well, there's gotta be some basis there for it!) But seriously, after a guy who tells me he's a cancer survivor, another one that literally played with my emotions and this third one that had depression.....can't I get a break??! As relieved as I am to be free of Mr. Detroit, I'm scared out of my mind of being alone.....

1+3+1

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:00:00 +0000

1+3+1 = 5. That is how many guys I met last week. Yes, you could say I am definitely on a mission here. Something has got to work out somewhere, right?! Ok, so here's how it went:

1
I had met this one guy online years ago. I think we were both pretty new to the online thing and therefore pretty adamant about what we wanted and what we weren't willing to compromise on. I think I scarred him because when we figured out neither of us was going to budge, he went and updated his profile online to reflect things we'd talked about :) Outside of that, we did get along so we kept in touch and every year or so would drop each other a line to catch up. Two and a half years ago he was at a conference in the city I was living in and so we met up for dinner...all that time had passed and we'd never met! I don't think there were really any sparks and that was that. Fast forward to last week. I was going to be in a town near Chicago for work (he lives in Chicago) and on Tuesday we decided to meet up again, grab a drink and catch up. I was a good 90 minutes from where he lived and he came out to see me. Nice. When he picked me up, I literally was like wow - you are so cute (he had less facial hair so that I could actually see his face this time!) There wasn't much to do near my hotel so we went to a TGIF to get drinks...and ended up hanging out for 3 hours until they closed the place down. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. Maybe because this was a non-date and there was no pressure things were just really nice. Maybe it was because we already kind of knew each other. He ended up staying twice as long as he had initially planned. When he dropped me off at my hotel, I felt like the hug lingered just a little bit :) I wish we could have hung out longer....and I texted him just that at the very same time that he was calling me. Cute :) We talked his entire drive back. And the last few days we've been texting and talking on and off. For once in my life, I am going to try and just let this evolve...because I have to be honest, I am hoping it will. I'd at least like to see if there's something here...

+3
I met 3 guys on Friday. I've done two before but this was a first! I was in NY and that's probably the only place in this country where something like this can get pulled off! I had told each guy in advance that I had to meet friends for drinks about an hour after I was meeting them. The first guy physcially was not what I was expecting and he looked a lot older than me. As soon as he saw me he told me I looked nice. Then while we were sitting he says to me you have these moles on your face. I point to the one under my lip and said are you referring to this? He asks me if I understood Urdu (which I don't) and he starts quoting a ghazal about how a mole enhances a woman's beauty. Haha :) Okay cute, but I didn't really know how to respond to that. Then he tells me as I'm leaving that he'd like to see me again the following week. Outside of not being phsyically attracted to him, he also has a job which has him on the east coast 10 days of every month, on the west coast 10 days of every month and the other 10 days traveling within the US or internationally. Not exactly the kind of relationship I want to be in. The second guy was so cute - he reminded me of a nerdy character that Rhithik Roshan has played in some of his movies. This guy really had a handsome face, glasses, and his suit pants were just a little short so that you could see his white socks as he was walking. He's been in the U.S. for about 10 years. Conversation was okay. He told me he'd like to meet up again and then texted me the day after we met...let's see. The third guy was tall and skinny with very little hair left (which I dont mind, I actually find some bald men very attractive), and the easiest to talk to of the three. I realize more and more that I am trying to be so open to guys from India that have been here for 10 years but the guys I instantly connect to are the ones that are like me and grew up here, we just have so much more in common. Anyway, while conversation was fine I don't think I'm going to hear from this guy again. As I left the last date, not feeling like any one of them was "wow", I texted #1 (Mr. Chicago) from above to ask if he was busy. He called me instantly and we spent the next hour on the phone :)

+1
I met another guy on Saturday for lunch. Lunch was actually quite nice. Afterwards we walked around for awhile and walked through this ivy league's college campus. The campus was beautiful and during our walk there were really long silences. It wasn't uncomfortable, but there wasn't that instant 'spark' of chatter that I've had with others before. He suggested we should try and meet up again in 2 weeks, and yes, this guy I would want to see again.

One of my friends has drilled it into my head that its all a numbers game - put yourself out there and meet tons of people, one of them will work out. So....here goes....wish me luck!

Brooklyn Update

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 03:00:00 +0000

I've had two more dates with Brooklyn. The second one we met for dinner and then went to see a movie. The third one was another dinner date followed by a quick shopping excursion he came with me on to pick up a gift for a friend's baby.

On our first date I had mentioned that I wasn't sure if there was a lot of chemistry. By our second date I was still questioning it but keeping an open mind, hoping something would spark. On our third date, I was sure it wasn't there.

I'm not just talking about physical chemistry, I mean our personalities clicking as well. I found Brooklyn to be very rude in the way he talked to me at times and especially did not appreciate his tone when he would (constantly) accuse me of not being able to get together more often (which he apologized for multiple times later when I pointed out that he had told me he was busy every weekend in the month of August and on certain week nights). He also pointed out that he was busy before he met me and is still a busy guy, which in my opinion is not showing a lot of seriousness if you can't spend any weekends together. As my sister-in-law pointed out, if two people really like each other, they are going to want to spend all of their time together and will make and find the time to do it. That was obviously missing here.

Over our last dinner he mentioned how confrontational he can be at times. Hmm, yeah, seen that and honestly its not my thing. When we were in the baby store and he was looking at baby outfits with me, I didn't even get that little tug of the heart thinking how cute it was shopping for baby clothes that I am sure I would have gotten with someone I was really interested in. A few days later as we were talking on the phone he told me that he was actually quite "ghetto" and found himself holding back a lot with me. I was like really? More ghetto then what I've seen and he was like you've seen nothing! Yikes.

So bottom line, overall not a match. And you want to know something? I actually feel relieved this one is over. Phew.

Date With Brooklyn

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 03:00:00 +0000

Brooklyn is a guy I technically met 2 years ago online. We chatted a few times (on chat, not the phone) and things didnt seem to really click and it never went anywhere. Recently we got back in touch and started talking on the phone...our first conversation actually ended up being really good and for the following days we emailed each other continuously from work and talked at night. In just a few days we discovered that I liked to have lighthearted chatter with someone initially and he liked to get into some serious conversations. When I brought this up, that we hadn't even met each other and I didn't want to invest so much into someone I never even met, he said fine, no more serious stuff. He def. tried and it was cute :) I don't think we always get each other which is sometimes frustrating, but we're both trying. On his side, he kept saying I was this girl that acted all tough but he was betting inside I was just this big softie. He works just 10 miles from me and was telling me how he had debated just showing up outside my office with 2 cups of coffee in the afternoon and telling me to come outside. Cute :)

So we finally had our first date. According to Brooklyn this was just a "meeting" since he doesn't ask a girl on a date until he's at least met her. Fine, call it what you want! He quickly discovered I enjoyed wining & dining...and made it clear to me that that is not how he is. I said that's fine, I'm open to new experiences :) Then he spends all this time to find a nice restaurant in NJ to meet me at :) I thought going to NY would be more fun (I know, I know!) and he asks me if I've ever walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. I hadn't...and in my mind I was liking the sound of how romantic that could be!

I took the train into NY but told him I had a curfew of 1:30am which was the last train back :) When the conductor said "hey pretty lady" to me when he came by to get my ticket, I was feeling it was going to be a good night! Maybe I'm just feeling more confident these days and its apparent in the way I carry myself - I definetly have noticed a difference in how I feel and people's reactions to me.

As I got off the train and was walking towards him and his car, I noticed he was tall. As I got closer and saw his face, I thought to myself "he's cute!". What a relief! :) He was bigger than I had thought but he was cute so I decided to see how things went. We immediately continued to have the ease of conversation in person that we had in the car and he even commented on how easily it transitioned, like this wasn't the first time we were meeting. I def. felt some attraction from both our sides. He looks at me and says you're a total girly girl aren't you? I laughed and said not at all, but sometimes I like to be.

We had dinner at this restaurant in the village and sat outside. I can always tell if a guy is interested because he'll order vegetarian food with me so we can share. Brooklyn ordered Salmon. BUT as he was eating he realized it probably bothered me and felt bad and said he should have ordered something else. Okay, the fact that he even said something was sweet. Then he was like can I give you a compliment? I just looked at him and said I don't know, I dont take them very well :) He was like yeah, I noticed that on the phone. He tells me I look a lot younger than my age. Now that I can hear and smile about - what woman doesn't want to hear that! Then he tells me that I'm very attractive. At one point some guy tells the hostess she's very pretty and Brooklyn looks at me and says oh, I thought he was talking to you! I just gave him this look and he starts laughing and says what, you didnt like that? :)

We end up hanging out at the restaurant for awhile...because our waiter never comes by with the check! We even considered just getting up and leaving at one point! :) He tells me that I was quieter in person and that he felt like he was doing a lot of the talking (which I tried to change after he said that). I just looked at him and he's like damn, your eyes are piercing when you look at someone. Haha! I was talking...and observing. Brooklyn grew up in...Brooklyn. So he does have a little of that Brooklyn attitude and way of talking. Never gone out with anyone like that before. And for anyone that watches General Hospital - he went to high school in Bensenhurst! I didnt even know that was a real place :) I let him know that was where my gangster was from in my favorite soap :) Also as we sat over dinner it was bothering me a little that he was a little on the bigger side, esp. in his face. By no means is he huge, he's a 6 feet guy with some extra weight.
Anyway, then we went for drinks. As we're talking he starts laughing and tells me I have the voice of a little girl. I was like what?! He tells me he thinks its cute though. Great! I couldn't really finish my drink as I was starting to get sleepy. We realize that we'd have to skip the Brooklyn Bridge if I wanted to catch my train. I really wanted to go, as did he, so we're both like fine, we'll figure it out. I told him I thought there was a 6am train I could catch and he said he wasn't going to let me wait by myself in the train station until 6am and if anything he'd drive me home or wait with me.

We got to the Brooklyn Bridge and started walking...me in my heels wondering how far I was going to get! At one point the concrete turns into wooden boards and my heels started getting stuck everytime I took a step. So I took off the shoes and walked barefoot. Brooklyn said this was a first for him! As we were walking, I realized something. He has the same structure as my brother, I mean at times it was kind of like the same! Okay, that wierded me out a little!! We walked all the way until the 2nd pillar and then turned around to walk back. He was pointing out all these places to me and pointed out where the towers were. I said oh, thats Midtown right? He burst out laughing and was like wow, you really are clueless aren't you? Haha :)

Halfway back we sat down at these benches. It was such a beautiful view of the city. We ended up sitting there and talking for a long time. We talked about some of the people we dated in the past and I was telling him about some of the things that were important to me. As we were talking I started wondering/realizing...OMG, am I looking for someone just like Eagle?! I couldnt believe how much as I was talking (and he couldnt believe it either)! But then he was like you like to talk, don't you? To hear yourself talk? Haha :) As we sat there I wasn't feeling that initial attraction and excitement as when I first saw him- I don't know if it was because I was tired/it was so late or because maybe it wasn't there?! Either way, I was enjoying myself and being there with him and talking to him (which has got to count for something!) so I didnt give it much thought.

Around 4am or so we started walking again down the bridge. And of course...it starts pouring rain!!! We are soaked, I mean soaked. We finally get under this structure to get a cab and he looks at me and says I like your hair wet like that, you look nice. I just smiled and said no I don't! But of course it was nice to hear. When we got to his car he insisted on driving me home considering how wet we are. I didnt resist too much because I couldn't imagine sitting in a cold train like that. Brooklyn was super sweet and drove me home and kept offering me an extra shirt he had in the car to help me get more comfortable. He asked me if I had a good time and I said yes, what about you? He was like, it was allright :) We got to the train station where my car was parked at 5:30am! He said this was def. the longest "meeting" he'd ever had though! We gave each other a hug goodbye and he started on his drive home (which by the way, he lives like 10 minutes outside of the city so he came a long way to drop me!)

So that was my date with Brooklyn! I realized we don't have a lot in common (in terms of our interests) but I'd still go out with him again....let's see what happens....! As he kept telling me, "there's just something about you"....well, maybe there's just something about him?!

My Epiphany

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 03:00:00 +0000

I am the center of my world (as are most people probably, but me perhaps a little moreso) and I need someone else's world to revolve around me too, even if just a portion of it. In order for this to ever happen, I need to find "my person", and even though I dont know who he is or where he is, sometimes I really miss him. Especially when I'm feeling alone.

A few months ago I found out I was going to need surgery. Nothing life-threatening, but I've never had surgery before and there were moments when I was really scared and felt like I had no one to talk to. There was one night in particular when I first found out that I remember being home by myself and just curling up on the sofa and feeling so alone, wishing I had a boyfriend or husband who was going to listen to every little thought running through my head, who was going to care as much as I cared about my fears. My friends were great - when they knew I really needed to talk, they let their kids whine and cry in the background and told me to just keep on talking. It was super sweet of them to listen, and I learned to keep talking through screams for mommy's attention. But I didnt have my "own person" who I could just turn to in any given moment, at any time of the day or night, that was available when I needed to talk - and I missed it a lot at that time.

I had my surgery last week, and thank God, everything is fine and this past week I have been home recovering. And now here I am again today, missing "my person". People always say not to have expectations because when you do, you just get disappointed. Maybe I shouldn't have them but in the back of my head I know I have expectations of those close to me because I feel like I always make an effort to be there for them. But that is my choice, I can't expect that from them, not now, not when everyone's lives have gotten so busy with their own families. In my head I know that, its my heart that sometimes takes time to catch up. I haven't had an engagement party or a wedding or baby shower or my kid's first birthday party. And even though its not a good one, this was a "major" event in my life - and I thought all those close to me would come visit me or at least send a card to say "Get Well Soon" - something, anything. And not just my close Indian friends, my American friends too. Don't get me wrong - everyone close to me has called multiple times to check in on me and see how I'm doing and that has meant so much to me. My parents haven't left me alone for a minute. One friend drove over an hour to come visit and one cousin's family came. It felt so nice to have them over. Maybe more people will stop by this weekend because it is a weekend and its easier, who knows. Part of me doesn't care anymore - its not like anyone proactively called to say they wanted to come by this weekend. I sound mad, don't I? I am mad - I'm mad at myself for expecting it, not from any one person, but worse - from everyone. Maybe its because multiple people told me they were coming by, and they didn't show. Maybe I'm just disappointed. Maybe all my meds just have me super emotional. Why can't the fact that people call me to check in on me be enough? The fact that they are thinking of me and taking time to call and get updates - showing that they care, thats whats important - I am the one being selfish, wanting more. I guess this was such a traumatic experience for me that I felt like I needed that little bit of extra in-person attention. It's why right now, I am mad. I am mad I being like this. I am mad I am making this an issue, even if just to myself. I am mad that "my person" is not here. Maybe if I had that person who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - if he was here, I wouldn't feel like I needed anyone else. He, and the family that we would build, along with my immediate family, would be enough.

As for now, I need to get over myself. Just because my world revolves around me, doesn't mean anyone else's does. And its not going to, not until 'my person' finally surfaces. My epiphany? It happened as I was writing this - even though its been a fact for awhile, I'm finally getting that everyone else has their own families that their world revolves around. My friends and I, at one point in our lives, our worlds did completely mesh. While unfortunately things haven't moved on for me, they have for everyone around me. I finally, finally get what that sometimes will translate into. And now that I get it, its not so bad. I am so grateful for the family and friends I do have, the people who mean so much to me. And judging by the number of people that keep checking in on me, whether they stop by or not, I know that I mean just as much to them.

Epiphanies are a good thing. Mine has really helped put things into perspective for me and helped me realize where the value in something truly lies.

Unexpected Twist

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 03:00:00 +0000

In general, I usually don't talk to guys from California. There's the 3 hour time difference plus the fact that you'd hardly get to see each other on a regular basis. Yet I came across this one guy on the dating site that caught my eye (translation: cute) and we started talking.

The conversations initially were actually really good. I never felt the time difference because he always went out of his way to talk to me - if I called on my drive home from work, he'd find somewhere in his office he could get some privacy and talk to me even though it might just be late afternoon for him. He had a deep voice that I instantly became attracted to. And to top it off, he was in the midst of finalizing an offer on the East Coast, just an hour from where I lived. All the more incentive for me to get to know this guy now!

As I said, our conversations were really good...initially. At some point I noticed him being "short" with me sometimes. Once we got into this discussion and we both had strong opposing viewpoints (about a rather silly topic) - well believe it or not, the way he started talking down to me actually made me cry (I was so surprised by his tone, but they were silent tears - he had no idea). My gaurds went up but not wanting to base anything on one not so great conversation when the others had been good, I continued talking to him. For the most part our chats from there on were just fine, but stories he would tell me flagged for me that he may have some anger issues and I wasn't sure I wanted to go down that path. And therein lies this feeling sometimes of not just walking away and giving everyone a chance since I feel like I have to and I should or I'll never get married. Especially because I know I'm naive and try and see the best in everyone.

I was really pushing for us to meet --- phone calls are only going to get you so far and I've been in that situation too many times when everything clicks on the phone and there's no chemistry in person. About 2 months after we started talking his interview was scheduled - he would be in the area for two days and we decided to meet up one of the nights.

A few days before we were going to meet up (and I was actually looking forward to finally just meeting) he dropped a bombshell on me. He tells me he's a cancer survivor. It kind of just came out. He really did not mean to tell me on the phone, he was going to tell me in person. Shocked is an understatement. I had a lot of questions and I was amazed by his maturity in that he answered all of them, very openly. He's been in remission for more than 10 years which is a great sign and he expects to be fine. I wasn't really sure how I felt (especially because I have seen other people close to me suffer in a bad way due to illnesses and wasn't sure I could willingly sign up for that) but I figured I'd let it sink in for a few days and see how it was when I met him.

Well when we met, he didnt exactly look like his picture....and I wasn't attracted to him, at all. Over dinner I could tell he liked me. He asked me if I had anymore questions about his illness. He told me he thought his 'anger issues' where somewhat linked to all he went through. My heart went out to him. I can't imagine what he and his family have gone through. He was easy to talk to and I could see us being friends if he moved to the area, but that was it. When I was dropping him back to his hotel, in the car he was saying how we should get together again soon and spend more time together - that he can come back or I should go see him. I didnt really say anything. I finally told him that he knew I had concerns about the way we got along (which I had mentioned a few times in terms of the way he talked to me) and that I just wasn't sure. He said he knows he has things he needs to work on but would like to give this a chance. After I dropped him off he called me while I was driving home. I said a few more times that at this point I just wasnt sure (and I emphasized it was due only to the way we got along). A few days later we were talking on the phone and I made it clear that I was only interested in being friends. I think he was disappointed but understood. We still keep in touch sporadically.

Finally, someone that seems like he was so into me. Sucks that it wasn't mutual. I learned a lot about myself through this experience though. What I am and am not open to. What I should not put up with. What I should and should not compromise on. And what's really important to me in a relationship.

Will I Really Be Last?!

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:00:00 +0000

It's the only thing I can think of...will I really be last? On my mom's side of the family, I am the oldest amongst my cousins. My younger brother was the first to get married (his 6 year anniversary is approaching - I can't believe it - every year of their anniversary is a reminder to me of how many years have gone by that I have been single). Then a couple of my cousins followed. I looked at who was left amongst all of my cousins and figured with the age gaps - the next cousins being more than 5 years younger than me, I HAD to be next. I kept thinking please, please let me be next.

Well 3 of the 4 cousins that are still single are all in their mid to late 20's and guess what? They aren't so young anymore. Some are dating someone seriously, some are dating, and some who knows. All I know is that it is likely that there may be weddings before mine. The likelihood of that for some reason gives me that pit in your stomach feeling. Will I really be last?! Will I be big enough to put my personal feelings aside, once again, to be happy for those that mean so much to me in my life and truly and selflessly be able to celebrate with them? Will I be able to smile for them and get away without anyone noticing the sadness in my own eyes?

My hormones are on overdrive at the moment (gotta love being a woman) so I know that all of this may not hold 100% true a week from now. But for some reason tonight, right now, I can't stop wondering if I will be last. Why me? I feel like I'm a good person and aren't good things suppose to happen to good people? I know every once in awhile (sometimes more than I'd like) I get really angry at people or yell in situations where even I realize it wasn't necessary. Sometimes its just frustration with life finding its way out and I feel so bad/guilty afterwards because I know it stems from the feeling of a lack of control. But for the most part, on most days, I think I'm a good person that tries really hard with my family and close friends. So why me? I don't want to be last. I've waited so long, wanted for so long. I've gone to everyone's weddings and house warmings and baby showers and first birthday parties and gotten excited about 2nd pregnancies - its time - I want to be next. I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of missing out on the life that everyone around me seems to enjoy so effortlessly. I have so much love to give. So much. So tell me, why has it been so hard? When am I finally going to find someone who will love me?

Surinder Sahni

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 04:00:00 +0000

If you've seen Shah Rukh Khan's movie Rab Ne Bani De Jodi then you recognize who "Surinder Sahni" is and what the guy was like that I met on this date and I don't need to say anymore. If you have not seen it, read on...

So I "meet" this guy online. We have barely exchanged any emails and we decide to meet up. Turns out he lives a few hours from the city but would come there on a weekend. He asks me if I wanted to go to the Met or see a movie, do lunch. Hmmm...since it was Sunday I was thinking maybe just meet over lunch and call it a day but since he was going to drive so far to meet up I figured I might have to do a little more than that. I talked to him briefly on the phone and couldn't tell if he had an Indian accent, British accent, or some accent. It was light, but there was something there. I had seen his picture (face only) and he looked kinda cute (ok, well he wasn't unattractive and my goal is to meet as many people as I can). We agreed to meet at the Met.

I took a train into NY and the Met is actually quite far from where I was. I ended up getting their late and was feeling bad as I walked towards the staircase that led to the museum. I didn't see anyone near the stairs so I started walking up the stairs in case he was waiting for me inside. Then I notice this guy, and he looks over. He is standing there with these dark olive cordorouy pants on, white sneakers, and believe it or not - he had on beige ear muffs!! It was 50 degrees outside! He comes towards me and I was like wow, is this really him? We say hi and he starts walking towards the museum entrance --- not wanting to commit to walking around with him for that many hours, I ask if he's had lunch (I was starving!). He hadn't and we make our way to a Thai restaurant. I find out that his parents live in NY and its where he grew up - he had come in last night...that made me feel better - that he hadn't driven a lot of hours to come in today and drive back again today.

We got to the restaurant after a few minutes walk. I just stared for a minute - as 'Surinder' took off his earmuffs and then his coat - on top of his dark olive pants he was wearing a flourescent green shirt and a yellow sweater on top of the shirt. Wow. Wow.

After trying hard not to randomly smile, I realize that Surinder is actually a really sweet guy. He ate vegetarian with me (always super sweet when a guy does that) and served me my food as it came. Conversation was fine. I texted my cousin who happened to be in the city to tell him to please let me know when he was leaving so I could catch a ride back with him (the sooner the better I'm thinking). Surinder was interested in going to see a movie (or something) after lunch but I told him I couldn't give up a ride back home, especially since it meant not having to take a bunch of trains! I did have some time so we decided to go get some coffee. I learned that he's been in the U.S. for 15 years but felt lost - neither Indian or American. Some of his views were very Indian though if you ask me - like he said if he met a girl from India his expectations were that she never have been in a relationship (however if she was from America he accepted that he would never find that). He did think he would relate more to someone from America. Then he shared these other stories and how his friends keep telling him to sort of wake up and smell the coffee (in terms of his expectations). Oh, and he's never had a girlfriend. Sorry, all of that combined, definetly not for me.

I did have to catch one train to go meet my cousin. Surinder was very sweet and waited with me on the platform until my train came. When I insisted he didn't have to, he said why do you not want to spend time with me? This will give us more time to hang out together. Sweet. Very sweet. Sigh. Now if only I can find a guy that behaves like that that I am actually interested in!

Date #2 with The Indian Guy With An American Name

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 04:00:00 +0000

If you recall, my first date with The Indian Guy With An American Name was on December 11th. So yes, about 2 months have gone by since I last saw him. I had left that date unsure of what I was thinking but willing to go out again if the interest was there on his end.

The interest was there. He was away for the holidays in California I think and then for one reason or another we didn't end up meeting up. He did make an effort and contact me every once in awhile to see when we could get together. We finally found a date that worked for both of us. He was willing to come towards where I lived again which was nice. Especially since I didn't know how I was feeling and that whole thing of always feeling like I make the effort to go where the guy is is still bothering me, so I was glad he was going to come towards my area.

We met up at this sort of fast food Indian restaurant. I was a little surprised by the restaurant he chose (I don't think he'd been there before either) since it didnt feel like a second date kinda place and it made me wonder if he really was questioning me too. Or maybe he didn't know it was a fast food place. Anyway I was totally expecting the grab/kiss thing he did last time but managed to avoid it by the way I said hi. We sat down to have dinner and converstion was casual and flowed without too many silences (someone should give me an award for being able to make small talk! then again, unfortunately, i've had too much practice at this.) I was a little distracted during our conversation by the fact that one of his shirt buttons was unbuttoned :) Silly I know but my eyes kept going right to it! (The funny things you remember from a date). Anyway as we sat there, I realized that we really don't have a lot to talk about / in common. I ened up asking him questions from the first time we met and acted as if I didn't already know the answers. It became apparent to me that this really wasn't going to go anywhere...at least it didn't feel like it. He started telling me about how he's looking to buy a house and almost put an offer on one not too far from where we were - and described the indoor swimming pool this place had and the house overall - it sounded amazing. I just sat there thinking wow, I am meeting all of these super successful guys and yet nothing. No chemistry. No connection. Nothing in common. I would much rather be with someone less successful whom I had something in common with. I really am trying hard to keep an open mind but I really wonder if a guy raised in India & I will ever be a match?

Dinner was over and the waitress literally took another 30 minutes to come over with the check. I knew it wasn't a good sign on my end when I kept looking over my shoulder subconsciously hoping the waitress would get the point and come by with the check. I finally told Indian Guy with an American Name that it was getting late and I knew he had about an hour's drive home (even though it was only like 9pm!). We asked for the check and this time I couldn't avoid the hug/kiss thing. It was sweet actually.

We parted and each headed our own way, probably never to cross paths again...

Spirit, Crushed

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 18:24:00 +0000

I don't laugh anymore. Not from my core. I don't squeal with excitement. I don't really have fun. Who I was, and who I've become, are two such different people that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. And it's all because my spirit has been crushed.

I first realized this last Saturday night when my sister-in-law and I were talking. She said something that completely took me by surprise, yet I knew there was truth in it. She said she had figured out why it was hard for me to meet someone - that I was the type of person that guys wouldn't be able to get to know after just meeting me once. I stopped in my tracks - me, really? The person who used to be so free-spirited, uninhibited, who loved life and everything about it. The person that guys were attracted to immediately upon meeting. I started wondering - I had choosen the perfect shaadi.com name that truly captured who I was when I had first joined....does that name even define me now? The reality is that after years of disappointment and not being able to meet someone, I've lost myself in the process.

As I started thinking more about this, I had conversations with 2 of my other friends that used to know me before my entire life centered around finding my guy. My one friend has even acknowledged over the years how much she has watched me change. It was bound to effect me, I just don't think I ever stopped to notice how much.

And last night, in the first few hours of 2009, after the party ended and the guests had left, my girlfriend's kid put to bed and her husband gone upstairs, my girlfriend and I sat in her family room until almost 6am just talking. Friend therapy, nothing will ever beat it! And with her help, I discovered even more about myself.

I realized in the past 5-8 years, I can count on one hand how many times I felt like "myself". I listed some of them to her - my one trip to South America, being around my female cousin on my mom's side, the time I spent with Eagle. She made me find the common thread...and I realized on that trip I was so unbelievably "free" - not with anyone I knew that I was close with, no real access to the world, no time to worry about finding that guy or even talking about finding him. I was me, just me, and man I had the time of my life. I realize how important laughter is since I don't do it so openly anymore - and on that trip I laughed and made everyone around me laugh for days. Our driver told me he meets hundreds of people a year, but me, and how crazy I am, that he will never forget. My cousin - one of the most free spirited people I know. I realize that I don't really dance anymore and the only time I really enjoy dancing and can really let go is if she's there. She never allows me to dwell in my sorrow, she just has a way of pulling me out of it and enjoying the moment we're in. And Eagle. I finally feel like I have some closure. I finally realized what it was about him that had me so hung up on him. It was that he was one of the few people in years that has been able to bring out the real me. I go back to laughter - I laughed, really laughed, everyday that I talked to him. It was how uninhibited and happy he was as a person that I think it allowed me to become that way around him too. I felt adventurous again and spontaneous and carefree. And then my girlfriend & I talked about when we had first met 9 years ago, how we had been so attracted to each other because we were both so similar, so full of life, we quickly became the closest of friends creating crazy adventures together....and I told her she hasn't changed after all these years, her spirit and who she is as a person is still in tact and its why I still enjoy so much being around her, but me? Where did I go?

These days it feels like I just go through the motions of the day, I'm living but I'm not alive.

I remember watching Jab We Met and relating so much to Kareena Kapoor's character - I saw me in every aspect - the crazy out there girl who loved life, laughed at everything, loved everyone and everything around her, talked non-stop for hours and gave everything 150%. I watched that entire movie thinking wow, its like someone followed me around, took note of how I am, and then projected it on screen. That's how I still think of myself in my head. It's apparent that that is no longer me, that somewhere along the way my spirit was crushed and I've become almost lifeless compared to how I was. Coincidently, the same thing happens to Kareena Kapoor's character in this movie - and it completey changes her, a 180. By the end of the movie, she's back to herself, but as I watched her journey to get there I could so relate to her pain.

We all make new year's resolutions, most that we end up breaking in a few weeks or few months time. I have to stick to mine because this year my resolution is to find myself again. I want to be me again and be happy, carefree, free-spirited and uninhibited. I want to enjoy life again. I want to squeal with excitement and laugh from my core. I know its not going to be easy. But I now recognize how unhappy I am with what's become of me, of what's left of me. I can no longer live with such a crushed spirit.

I want to feel alive.

The Indian Guy With the American Name

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 04:00:00 +0000

I guess I have been on & off in touch with this guy for months, but we never really exchanged any real emails or had any phone conversations. It was like we'd get in touch via the dating website, but it never went anywhere. Now that I've moved back to NJ, I am really trying to make an effort to meet more people...well, I guess I could be making a better effort, but its a start.

Anyway, so I finally decide to meet up with this guy. Even before we had met, and probably part of the reason I hadn't met him sooner, was that he had changed his name to an American one. You're probably thinking so what? Well, I don't know, that really bothers me. Like you're embarassed of who you are and where you've come from. And the best part is that his new name is not even a derivative of his Indian name - its just completely random!

I'm getting sick of always being the one to make the effort to go where the guy is so I proposed meeting closer to where I live. He was totally for it - cool. We decide to meet at Jose Tejas at 8pm. It is pouring rain outside and I'm almost tempted to cancel, but I don't. I have never spoken to "Indian Guy With An American Name" so I am totally thrown off when I meet him and he has kind of an Indian accent. He puts his hand out to shake mine, and as I reach out for his hand he pulls me into a hug and kisses me on the cheek. Whoa! Okay, totally taken by surprise.

We had decent conversation over dinner. He was looking at me the whole time smiling, completely engaged in whatever I was saying. He was kinda cute...I kept looking at him to figure out what I thought. And I wasn't sure how I felt about him being 4 years older than me...I kept wondering if he looked like an uncle :) Then twice he made some comment about "that's how indians are"....i am sure he didnt mean it negatively but combined with the fact that he changed his name and started eating meat because it was more convenient due to work...i did wonder how "american" he thought he was. He's been in the U.S. 15 years, is he one of those people with a lost identity?

Dinner was fine and then he did the whole hug, grab, kiss on the cheek again when we left. He did email me later (few days later) to tell me he'd like to see me again. I guess I'm open to it. It's just that I feel like I've let go of all those things I thought I wanted...someone gujarati, tall (he's not), vegetarian, etc. and the one thing that I really really want more than anything is to be with someone that was raised here in the U.S. (similar mindsets, backgrounds we can share). Why is that becoming so difficult? Even some of the other guys I'm in touch with right now are also guys that all grew up in India. Obviously I'm trying to keep an open mind cause you never know and I'm going to meet them all - at this point in my life I know meeting someone is more important than anything else...I just wish, well, I just wish a lot of things I guess. I'll just leave it at that.

I'll let you know what/if anything happens with this one. Stay tuned.

Tea In The City & My Friend's Ex!

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:00:00 +0000

I met two guys today.

Guy #1 was in the city (NY that is). I was there for an interview and afterwards, I met up with this guy that I had recently started chatting with. We actually had plans to meet in my city for a date on Saturday but I didnt want to set myself up for an entire evening with a guy that I may not end up liking/hardly knew anything about so asked him if he wanted to meet up while I was in NY. This was the first South Indian guy I was going to meet - up until now I never really was open to meeting South Indians....but I really need to broaden my options! Anyway, we met at this really cool Japanese Tea place (that also happened to serve all vege food, I wish I remembered the name of the place!) He was tall and cute and I actually really enjoyed our conversation - I even found myself giggling :) We hung out for a little over an hour and then he had to run to a meeting. I remember sitting there thinking damn, should have had him come up to my city so we could have gone on a real date. As nice as he was, I got this feeling that I might not hear from him again. He said he just started the whole online dating thing - not that that is a reason I won't hear from him, but sometimes you just know...

Guy #2 I met later that evening. This was a guy I have been chatting with a little bit longer and we had been trying to find a date to get together. He was telling me he had a long week and needed a drink so we first met at a martini bar in NJ. He is 6 years older than me (he just turned 40!) and I was hesitant about meeting someone older...I don't know, 40 is too close to 50 and then that reminds me of my parents :) But I decided to keep an open mind knowing how hard it is to meet people. When I walked in I noticed that he looked younger than his age and was kinda cute - cool! We hung out at the bar for a little while and seemed to kinda click - the funny part is being around him I suddenly felt so young - it was the best feeling! Haha :) One of my closest friends name's came up (they had both done residency at the same hospital) and I asked him if he knew her. He doesn't say anything really. After awhile, we head out and start walking towards the restaurant. Suddenly he's like your friend...I know her. I was like oh, you do? He says yes, we actually dated. I stop in my tracks - right there on the sidewalk - and it hit me! He had used a nickname with her (short form of his name) and his full name with me....I just point at him and in shock say "YOU! THAT WAS YOU!" I can't believe this is the guy my friend had dated for over a year and the guy that had totally messed with her. He just looked down and then back up and said Do you still want to do dinner? I was like yeah we're doing dinner, i'm hungry! The walk to the restaurant was a bit awkward (as you can imagine!). Once we got there, we sat down and just started talking about other things and then everything was fine - I guess I reclassified quickly that this was now just hanging out and so I was totally just being myself and we were sharing stories and laughing. He was a cool guy, I can see why my friend had dated him for so long. While we were having dinner he looked at me and was like has anyone ever told you that you look like Jennifer Aniston? I was like what? He said yeah, your look, your mannerisms - you totally remind me of her. I started laughing and said when I was 10 pounds thinner and you could see my defined chin that guys had told me that before. And that my cousins in India tell me. Later we're talking and he's just looking at me and I was like what? He just smiled and says can I call you Jen? Even though most would agree that I don't look like her, it was nice for someone to give me such a nice compliment - I needed that. It kinda made my night. After dinner we headed back to our cars and I made a point that I would be okay walking to my car (so he wouldn't walk me) and the goodbye was so awkward that I later texted him saying sorry for the awkward goodbye and thanks for dinner. I immediately called my friend to tell her who I had just had dinner with....and he called while I was on with her and left a message saying it was fine and that I was a cool and it was fun hanging out and he'd talk to me later (or something like that). Anyway, I know way too much about him and he's one of my closest friend's ex's --- you just don't go there. But.....what luck, huh?!!

A Most Memorable Night...

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 03:00:00 +0000

I have to write this right now, this very minute, so that I can try and capture the feeling of what tonight has been like.

You see, there's this guy I "met" online, that lives in L.A. --- yes, all the way in California. Anyway, we started "talking" 3 months ago - random emails every now and then. Based on some emails we exchanged, the timing was off and well, for reasons left unsaid, it wasn't really going to go anywhere (among other things, he's a year younger than me and I don't think he was ok with that). But I really enjoyed our chats and so I kept in touch with him. When I recently went to India he was telling me some places to go check out (which I did). I let go of the idea of this going anywhere but referred to him once in awhile as my dream boy (tall, cute, vegetarian, my religion) - all the things that would be great to have :)

So when I found out I was coming to L.A. for work, I asked him if he lived nearby and would like to meet up for a drink so we could go from being virtual friends to real friends. He said he would do one better than that and take me to dinner. Yeah! I was totally looking forward to meeting him (with truly no expectations).

And tonight I did. Imagine a tall, cute, goofy guy...kind of like Ross on Friends. Ross, we'll call him Ross :) He picked me up at my hotel around 8pm and we went to Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica - conversation was easy right from the beginning and we were talking away. We walked around, briefly stopped to watch a street performance (i love those, but could tell maybe he didnt want to watch), so then continued on to find a place to eat as we were both hungry. We stopped at this nice Italian restaurant and sat outside to have dinner. I picked 2 different glasses of wine for us to try and he picked 2 different dishes that we would try. We shared one story after another - with a million tangents because I suffer from ADD (worse than him he said!) and everything he said would trigger a story, which of course I had to totally interupt with :) It was amazing how many little things we had in common. We toasted our wine glasses and he said something about being buddies and going from being virtual friends to real friends - it was cute - and at the same time i thought a nice, subtle reminder that that is what we were. No problem - I really had no expectations! We talked all throughout dinner and then stayed and sat there for quite some time after we were done, just talking. We shared stories about dating, our jobs, freakish things that happen to us - like how I get up at 3am every night and how everytime he looks at the time its either 1:11 or 11:11, we talked about embarrassing stories, differences in attitude of peole from the west coast vs. east coast, and on and on (as he made fun of my east coast accent).

Then he asked me if I wanted to walk around and so we got up and walked up and down 3rd Street Promenade. The weather was perfect! He was telling me how annoying it was that they made low waist men's jeans and I didnt believe him. We passed an Abercombie (i think) and i took him inside to prove it to me. I couldn't believe it - they were everywhere!! I told him this had to be a west coast thing! We continued walking around, talked about cars (his passion) and by this point he was very aware of my ADD tendencies and was catering his stories around it - sorry - there was just so much to see and I love this area! =) I practically jumped up and down when I saw the beach and Santa Monica Pier was right across from us and told him how I hadn't been to the beach all summer! We started walking towards it and I was like please don't feel obligated to go with me, I feel bad I'm dragging you everywhere. He didn't seem to mind and so on we went, joking that I was going to have to carry him back because we were going far from the car!

As we were walking towards the beach, our hands brushed in a way that we almost held hands for a second - my heart skipped a beat. Oh, I just love that feeling! I know, I know, it doesn't mean anything so I had to let it go. But I loved the way he would put his hand on my back if we were crossing the street or to get me out of the way of something. Anyway, I digress...

We got to the beach, I took off my heels, rolled up my jeans and we went for a walk. It was perfect! We were talking and I was complaining that all the sand was filling up in the part of my jeans I had rolled up and now I was walking with like 5lb weights! And because he's tall, practically running to catch up with him :) He was telling me how cold the water gets and I didn't believe him so he told me to go check it out - to have the sand under my toes and the water hitting my feet - I couldn't think of anywhere else I would want to be! We walked for awhile and then sat down and hung out on the beach. I was building a mountain with the sand as we talked and it was just so nice - the sight of the water, the sound of the waves, the endless sand, the lights from the Pier in the background. He started packing my sand to keep it together and I told him he was turning my mountain into a volcano! I kept building it and then he put my name on it. It was a picture perfect moment. We talked about college, our first drinking experiences, how we couldn't stand the cold weather (he thought it was cold out tonight!), places he's traveled and so on as I continued to play with the sand. I dug a hole so deep he was like someone is totally going to fall into that - I just laughed and he was like that is so evil :)

We started our walk back around midnight. Part of me was sad that the night was going to end. There was definetly a little flirting going on (at least I think so) and a few more brushes of the hand that left butterflies in my stomach. He told me the walk back was like an obstacle course for me and I totally agreed - the sand making weights again in my rolled up jeans, my heels that kept getting caught in the planks in the boardwalk. At one point he offered me his hand (he did a couple times actually) and I didn't really take it....not sure where it might lead....or what to do if it did. So I thought best to avoid the whole situation. He made a pit stop to the bathroom and I sat and waited on the boardwalk. He came up behind me and grabbed my waist for a second to get my attention, totally taking me by surprise. Cute. We continued walking back and he asked me how often I traveled. I said sometimes a lot, sometimes not for months (wondering if he was asking somehow how often I came out to L.A.??) I told him I had a potential trip in another 2 weeks but wasn't sure if I would come, would probably send someome else (I told him about it, thinking maybe he would say, you should come). He told me when I was ready to buy a car, I should send him the specs of what I wanted and he would help me out. Nice.

We got back to the garage and drove to my hotel (about 5 minutes away). He drives a Corvette and its so low to the ground. The inside is pretty cool though and he was gunning it as we drove back to show me some of the features - it was fun :) When we got to the hotel, he parked and said I'll walk you to the door - how sweet!! I told him I really had a great time and we hugged and I said keep in touch....and I went inside....so happy!

It's been so long since I had this much fun. Maybe it was because there were no expectations/stresses of a date? As I walked into my hotel room I was hoping my perfect night would end like in the movies and romance novels...that he would call and say he forgot something and then come back to give me a kiss and tell me he wants to see me again tomorrow. Haha, I know, I know - but hey, a girl can dream!!

So that was my night with my 'dream boy'. I texted him saying 'a sincere thanks for a memorable night'. He wrote back 'hey i didnt really do anything but you're welcome' to which i said 'you were good company & took me to all the places i wanted to go. well at least didnt mind getting dragged to them!'

Will I ever see him again? Chances are not. But what wonderful memories that i get to keep forever. The dinner, the beach, the conversations, the light flirting, finally feeling happy - what a truly truly memorable night!!

Date #2 With Delaware...And A Surprise!

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 03:30:00 +0000

I went out with Delaware again tonight. First some background...

It's funny - I just reread what I had said about him after the first date. The whole liking that he always told me when he was going to call...suddenly its not so cute. I find it to be very unspontaneous and almost a little suffocating...for example, every time he calls me and doesn't get me live, he tells me he will try me back again in an hour. And even when I tell him I'm going to be busy (i.e., told him my family was visiting last weekend) - he still called and later made me feel like I was ignoring him. On top of that, he's brought up "us" in not so many words...after one date! He asked me if I had told my parents and I honestly told him that I am talking to other people too....and then he was like well how long do you have to date someone before you know if you want to be with them. Not a bad question but it was just the tone with which it was asked. So yes, I've found him to be a little pushy I guess. One of my cousins made a very good point and said this is how girls act when they like someone too, sometimes they push too much....so mental note to myself to KEEP a little distance when still getting to know someone. Plus I can't tell if he really likes me or he just really wants to get married (based on some other comments he made)....

So back to the date. Tonight we went to go see a movie - he hit a lot of traffic on his way to come pick me up so we missed the original timing of the movie we were going to see. The next movie of the 4 I had narrowed it down to wasn't for another hour and half. My internal reaction was "great". Such bad attitude - I know!!! So I suggested we park the car and go for a walk around the city...after about 2 minutes he was like wow, this is the most I've walked in months! It was kind of funny, I think I exhausted him in our 30 minute walk :) But it was a nice walk, a little muggy out but still, nice, there weren't any uncomfortable silences. And he had dressed up for our date, cute, he actually looked nice. Then we take the long way to the movie theater and get there only 20 minutes before the movie was going to start. We chatted for awhile and I realized I had no desire to hold his hand...or anything. I do think he's cute actually...but I guess his personality from the past 2 weeks of conversations prevented those little butterflies I had felt the first time I met him.

After he dropped me home, I texted him an hour late to see if he made it home. He texts me back that we should get together again sometime. I sent back a smiley face and he wrote back asking if that was a yes. Damn, I didnt know what to say. So I said yeah. Then he writes back saying "Cool...my cousin thought I got married since I came home so late...LOL..." Ok - really - he was home by 12:30 and all this constant talk about "us"/marriage after NOT even knowing him really does turn me off. Why can't we just get to know each other?? Funny thing is I guess deep down I know that if I felt the same way, I would be very excited about it...

So jury is out on Delaware. Trying to keep an open mind for now....

Well as for the surprise I mentioned. I walked into my building and stopped to get the mail. I saw a brown "package" and read the return address...it was from Eagle!! I think I held my breath for a few seconds, not believing it. I knew immediately from the size of the package that it was a book of mine he had borrowed (which I swear just recently I was thinking I wish I could get back!) I stared at his hand-writing all the way up to my apartment. I kept wondering if he had included a note inside, what would it say? Would he acknowledge the email I had sent him? Was I suppose to return any of the stuff he gave me? Well, he wasn't returning gifts I gave him...just what he borrowed. So I anxiously walked into my apartment and opened the wrapping. And disappointed, realized that it was just the book, no note. I put the wrapping with his hand-writing on it on the table...and a second later ripped it and threw it in the garbage. What was the point of keeping it around?! My next thought was to email him to let him know I had received it...but then I didn't. He didn't have my apartment number on the address...so I guess part of me wonders if after a few days he will email me to see if I actually ever got it. So stupid I know. But hey, at the same time, he hasn't acknowledged my email, so why should I acknowledge this?

Sigh. This is my life! What a night!

Revelations...

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:00:00 +0000

I saw the Indian movie today "Jaane Tu...Ya Jaane Na" - about this guy and girl who are best friends and swear they are not in love. They have the cutest relationship...and eventually it takes dating other people, and it not working out, for them to realize how much they love each other. We all know I make everything around me about my life as usual! Like in that movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai that came out in the 90's- for those that have seen it - it reminded me of the guy I dated in college. Not the actual storyline - but the fact that he goes on and gets married and years go by and she doesn't. He has a kid and when the kids like 8, the wife dies. And eventually the 2 of them get together. Now before you think I'm crazy - I never wanted the guy who I dated in college - his wife to die!!! It was just the overall storyline of her being single for a really long time afer and them eventually getting back together. Of course that never crosses my mind now when I see the movie - it was just when it came out because it was relevant then. So anyway, now here I am watching this movie, remembering Eagle...the only real male "best friend" I feel like I've ever had. Not so much the whole maybe one day we'll end up together bit (ok, it did cross my mind) - but more so about the friendship they shared in the movie.

I came home and emailed him - nothing sappy, just a few sentences saying how this movie reminded me of the friendship we had had and that I was happy and hoped he was too...and a few thing along those lines (no need for all the details), nothing super serious.

Well, after I sent the email (of course its after - otherwise where would all the drama from my life come from???!!) I decided to click back on that link where he posts all his pictures online. He hadn't logged into the shaadi website for days until a few days ago so it had me wondering if he had gone on another trip. Well I dont think Eagle realizes that everyone can see all the pictures he posts (not just the link he sends them) because he had 2 sets of pictures posted from a recent trip ----- one without people in it ---- and the other with him and that girl he was telling me about the last night I spoke to him on the phone - the one he seemed really into. 448 pictures in that one album(!)...and I looked at almost all of them. pictures of them driving in the car together, at the beach, at restaurants, in a vineyard or something like that, on a sailboat, in their hotel room, etc. etc. etc. she is skinny, just like he told me he likes them. i didnt think she was all that but well, ok, i have to admit, she does look pretty in some of the pictures, dresses nice and they both seemed happy. enough pictures with their arms around each other so i guess so!

I sent a one sentence email follow-up to Eagle that said "P.S. totally forgot to say glad things worked out for you =)" he'll wonder what i mean or how i know, but thank God i hadnt written anything sappy at all in my email - so this totally made sense! It was the best i could do to make it all super casual after seeing those pics.

Eagle had said she was moving in August or so, not that far but she didnt want long distance - is this his summer fling? When there's feelings involved distance doesnt always matter I would think. Or maybe it does - why else is he still logging into shaadi?? Who knows. I can't really say I'm sad. Surprised - yes. Wish it was me? Maybe. Feeling sick to my stomach like I wasnt pretty enough - most definetly. Frustrated that I'm not doing the same things with someone thats really into me - absolutely.

The part that gets me is that these past 2 months I have been trying my hardest to move on and put all this behind me, and he's been vacationing around with his "girlfriend". I didnt expect him to have to get over me at all - he was never into me. I guess I just wished that on some level, he missed me too. I guess he never had time to do that either since he's completely preoccupied with this girl. Anyway, its good to have these images plastered all over my brain for awhile - i've been doing a pretty good job trying to move on, this was the final push. It's still going to be hard to not think of Eagle when I see "best friend" movies like I did tonight, not until someone else can take that place...but I have a feeling after today, he's not going to be the person that keeps popping into my mind. I think I'm going to revert back to that guy without a face... the one I've been waiting for.....the one that's finally going to love me, and only me....

Date With Delaware

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 03:00:00 +0000

I've been talking to Delaware for sometime now - almost 2 months. When we first talked, he reminded me that he had contacted me a few years ago and I had never responded - he wanted to know why I have now, what stopped me before and what's changed since. I have/had my reasons, but wasn't willing to share them...I don't think I am even willing to share them here. What I will share is that there are 3 things about him that are different than what I thought I was open to - he is 5'7, he's Patel, and he's not vegetarian. Completely not 'what i've been looking for'.

I immediately liked that he was consistent about wanting to get to know me, especially his text messages letting me know he was going to call me on a particular night. Our conversations have been very nice - I was immediately drawn to how close he was to his cousins, how much they hung out together and vacationed with one another - very similar to my own family. Plus he loves doing things around the house, working with his hands, and has an adventurous side (I am starting to see a pattern here with my being drawn to guys who like to be out and about!)

Two weeks ago he asked me if I was free - he wanted to take me to a Russell Peters show in Atlantic City. How sweet! However I wasn't around that weekend. I told him I was going to pass through Delaware on Sunday and if it wasn't too late, maybe he & I could meet up. And so we did! We talked on my drive and made plans on where we would go for dinner.

He actually lives at home with his parents right now (they weren't home). I pulled up to his house and he was going to drive to dinner so I parked my car and got out. I saw him standing by his car, and he was bigger than I thought he was going to be (not big fat, big as in bigger built) - and he was cute :) I always tend to notice a guy's lips...and I guess when I do actually notice them, well its a good thing! We got in his car and conversation was easy, just flowed. We were going to Don Pablo's for dinner (I picked the place - I was so excited since there isn't one in my area!) I kept thinking how easy it was to talk to Delaware, especially compared to Mr. Africa. Delaware waited for me when we got out of the car and opened all the doors - again, couldn't help but think how I was practically running behind Mr. Africa to keep up just the night before. Delaware was a gentleman, I liked that.

Dinner was nice - he did order a chicken dish but well, oh well. I always do like when a guy knows I'm vegetarian and offers to eat vegetarian the first time he meets me. Then again, we weren't eating anything we could have shared. We talked about a lot of things - though the first topic I could tell was going to be touchy. He was telling me how his parents were at a wedding and asked me what the largest wedding was that I had ever been to. I said 650-700 people, that it was a Patel wedding. He tells me his cousin's wedding was 1,500 people!! What?!!! I said I couldn't even imagine, nor would want, something that big - that how could you know so many people, that anyone you havent talked to in 12 months shouldn't even be invited. He said he has a really large family and then there is all those people you are obligated to invite, especially people from the same gham. I said I dont really get the whole gham thing (I really don't!). He told me the food alone at his cousin's wedding, for the few days - that the girl paid $80,000 - just for the food!!! I think I just stared in shock, thinking no way in hell would I ever want that nor put my family through something like that. But like I said, I could see this conversation not going in a good direction, so I switched the topic. Everything from there on was smmoth - he showed me some pics on his new i-phone from a recent trip he had just taken with his cousins. After dinner was over, we drove back to his house, and again we talked the entire way - he's really into cars so we discussed a bunch of them. I know I keep saying we talked, but I guess I was just noticing it more because of the silences from the previous night.

When we got to his house he asked me if I wanted to come in. I did go in to use the bathroom since I still had a ways to go to get home. He has a very nice house. Then he asked me if I wanted to take some bottled water for the road or some pepsi - anything. I kindly declined and then he said ok, I'll walk you out. He walked me out, we hugged goodbye, he told me to let him know when I got home and then he waited there until I got in the car and actually drove away. Now this is what I am talking about!! This is nice. Delaware is a gentleman, I really like that.

I texted him when I got home and thanked him for dinner. He replied back saying he was glad I made it home safe and about dinner...anytime. I sent back a smiley face :)

It seems that he's interested? Right? I guess now we wait and see if he calls! I am talking to other people and will be making plans to meet them, but Delaware is def someone I would go out with again....I guess you just never know, huh? :)

Date With Mr. Africa

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 03:00:00 +0000

I first "met" Mr. Africa only 11 days ago. When I first saw his profile online, I was intrigued by his adventurous side...and he was tall, and built and good looking! Wow. So what that he is here on a work permit. I know, this is me saying that - considering I won't talk to guys from India that weren't brought up here. But like I said, I was intrigued by this guy from Zambia. His whole family was either in Africa or the UK - and that to me was very cool - so different from myself and my life.

We exchanged emails and actually ended up chatting online while we were both at work. We actually ended up chatting for hours that one day - and I remember thinking, wow, I could like this guy. I got excited and sent him my phone number, looking forward to talking to him. A few more emails and chats later, we had our first conversation. I was absolultely surprised that he was quiet - I mean online he was 'talking' so much that I had a complete different picture painted in my head. We still ended up talking for 2 hours, but it was mostly me taking the initiative to bring up different topics, etc. So I was a bit disappointed when I got off the phone (only because I guess I had different expectations for the conversation), but still wanting to meet Mr. Africa.

I was not thrilled that I felt like I was making all of the effort here, but I remember someone telling me that at this point in my life, no more games, that I should initiate and get things rolling - and after the first date it was up to the guy to show interest. So I took that advice, and asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said he would love to. Ok, great! We spent another day chatting for hours from work and I started thinking ok, maybe I got him all wrong on the phone...he would have these one line zingers out of nowhere that were so funny....

He called me on Saturday afternoon and again...he wasn't really saying much. I am totally thrown off now - is he quiet? Shy? Comfortable online but not on the phone? Anyway we talked for a little while on the phone as I drove to my brother's place (he lived in the next town over), joking about what we were going to do on our date (I did make him plan it, he needed to do something here!)

I was running an hour late, as usual! He came to pick me up and the first thing I noticed was that he has an earring. Oh, ok. He was not bad looking, nice build...but a little different somehow from his picture (like his face was more gaunt if that makes sense). I got in the car and he was like you look different than your picture! I asked him if that was a good thing or a bad thing and he said it was a good thing and smiled. So I guess that's a good thing :) He had his ipod headphones on as we started driving away and I just sat there for a minute wondering if he was going to just listen to music and not talk to me while we drove! I was completely thrown off. But then after 2 minutes he took them off and said he had it hooked up to his i-phone and was using it as his hands-free. Phew! We had a bit of a drive to D.C. and I remember thinking hmmm is this drive going to be in silence?! It actually wasn't so bad....he told me about the towns we were passing and we're both pretty adventurous so he talked about things to do around the area.

We got to DC, parked the car in a garage, and walked over to this Tapas place for dinner. I really appreciated that we were both vegetarian - its always so nice when you can share food and not be disgusted by what someone esle may be eating! We ordered sangria and our food was absolutely delicious. There were moments of silence and there were times when I sat there wondering if there was any chemistry. I don't know? The conversation we had wasn't bad, but it wasn't the kind you have when you just click with someone. I asked him why he thought I looked different than my picture and he said it was my hair - but that it looked nice. Well...I was having a good hair day :) but it made me laugh thinking that anyone could like my hair! :)

After dinner we walked around looking for a dessert place. I found it very strange that he kept walking ahead of me - I know he was a lot taller and probably had a longer stride and I had heels on, but he never slowed down. At times I felt like I was following way behind him! There was no opening doors beforehand or any of that other gentleman-y stuff, but the walking ahead of me was just plain wierd. We found this ice cream place and unfortunately there really wasn't anywhere to sit down, all the tables were taken. So we stood and ate....mostly in silence! At this point I was feeling like maybe there just is no chemistry here? But I was still trying to keep an open mind.

After our dessert, we got back in the car and headed home. I got us lost so we had a good time laughing about that for awhile. But again, there were times in the drive where it was just silent. At this point, I didn't care - it was past 1am and I kind of just wanted to get home. It's funny because before the date I had even grabbed a movie with me thinking if the date went well, I'd invite him over to watch a movie or something so we could hang out longer. When he pulled up to my brother's place I felt like I should invite him in (at least offer), so I did (in a roundabout way) and he just shook his head no. Hmmm, ok! No because it was my brother's place and he didnt want to intrude, or no because he actually wasn't interested in me (could that be?!) I thanked him for dinner, gave him a hug goodbye and left.

As I got into bed, I remember thinking that I would feel bad if he didn't call me or get in touch with me again. Only because I think at some point it starts hurting your ego....but at the same time, to be honest, I also wasn't excited about him. Not like I thought I would be. Would I go out with him again? Yes - because sometimes you just never know....and I've heard too often how sometimes people just don't hit it off until the 2nd or 3rd date. Even though i'm not "excited", there was enough there to give it another chance if that opportunity presented itself...just one more chance though, not sure I would keep pushing it if the 2nd time around was just like this one.

So this experience, this date, was a reminder to me (again) of how important it is to meet people right away. Sometimes you click with someone online, sometimes on the phone...but ultimately the only thing that matters is in person. Its a good thing I made meeting him happen so fast - now I need to do that with the other guys I'm talking to....

Trying So Hard To Move On...

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:00:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've posted an update, I do have dates I need to write about...but today, I just wanted to share that I am really, really trying to move on - but its not as easy as I wish it would be. Time heals all, I know that, but time seems to be going so slowly.

I don't talk about Eagle anymore, and I ask others not to talk about him either. But in the moments of silence, when I am alone with my thoughts, he crosses my mind often - sometimes the smallest things trigger his memory and the pain of that loss is still very deep and I constantly find myself holding back tears. Tonight I remembered a link he had sent me to his online photos when we first met, and I found that link and clicked on it...and saw two new albums posted with pictures from his summer. I clicked on the link and felt this pang in my heart - I sat here and looked at the pictures, wanting to smile, trying hard not to get upset. I signed up for updates so I can see the next album he posts. I know I shouldn't have done that - the pain is too real still, I am going to delete the update request as soon as I am done writing this. It's just that never in my life have I had a best friend like him before - not even with guys I've dated or that were my boyfriend. I am sure those feelings were magnified because I fell in love with him. Do I ever cross Eagle's mind? Does he wonder how I am doing? Does he feel my loss the way I feel his?

I pray, I really do, that all these guys I am talking to and meeting right now - that one of them will show me that I just think Eagle was my best friend. I want someone to show me that I have it all wrong. That I don't even know what the meaning of best friend is until I experience it with him. God, I hope this happens. It has to happen - Eagle cannot be the ultimate 'best friend' experience I am suppose to have!

It's only been about 6 weeks, so its not surprising that its all still so fresh and painful - but I am doing everything in my power to try and meet someone else and refocus my attention and energy. Everyone that knows me well knows I am the ultimate optimist - I must be to still believe in love, even after all my experiences. But sometimes its just hard to keep that smile on my face when my heart is so full of disappointment...

A Hard Day Got Even Harder

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 03:00:00 +0000

So the morning started off with the news about the cousin getting engaged...and the evening ended with going to Eagle's town for dinner! Don't ask how or why...its just where the restaurant was chosen, people coming in from different places and it was central location. In my entire life, we haven't gone to this town for dinner...yet today, it's where we ended up.

Every memory I have of that place is linked to Eagle - I only know it as his town. We've hung out at his place there, walked around there, eaten at restaurants around there, driven around there, he's shown me properties he owns around there. I kept wondering if I was going to run into him. Silly as it sounds, I even changed into this cute dress I bought today just in case I ran into him (at the very least I wanted to make sure I looked good).

My mom was in the car with me. As we pulled into the town, she asked me about Eagle, if I had heard from him. I told her no, that I wouldn't since I asked him not to contact me (well I didn't exactly say that to him but you know what I mean). And she was like so he just used you and now doesn't even call. He always wanted to go places with you and now nothing. I told her I didnt feel used, he had said from the beginning he wasn't serious about just us being together. But he was already on my mind, and now we were talking about him - ugh.

When we were at the restaurant, every single time the door opened my eyes darted to it, I think I may have even subconsicously held my breath. My two year old neice wanted to go outside every once in awhile and I took her - my eyes were constantly searching around me to see if he was nearby.

As we were leaving, everyone was talking about how nice this town was becoming. I said this is where I might end up living if I find a new job in that area. Few more months still until that could happen and I have to believe that I won't be so anxious anymore about running into Eagle, especially if the area becomes my home too. Though I am sure initially it will be on my mind, how could it not?

I know, its only been two weeks, and as hard as I am trying to move on and meet other people, enough time has not gone by for all of this not to affect me the way it did. I don't know if I left disappointed that I didn't run into him. But I definetly have left with a heavier heart.

What a day :(

Good News...That Feels Bad...

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 14:45:00 +0000

We got the message this morning...another cousin in India, engaged. This one should make me happy - she's 5 or 6 years younger than me, and has been "looking" for almost as long as I have. So I know exactly how she's been feeling, I know how depressed she's gotten at times - not finding anyone she likes, guys rejecting her, the disappointment and stress her parents feel. So I should be super happy for her, right? I should be...and I will be...once the pit in my stomach is gone, once that feeling of "and here I am, still alone" subsides.

Maybe arranged marriages aren't so bad, at least she'll be a "Mrs." in just one month's time. I can only imagine the bliss that she's feeling right now, how happy her parents must be. While we are all happy for her, I can't avoid the sadness in my own mom's eyes, wondering when she'll be able to share news like this about her own daughter.

I might actually be in India for work during the time of the wedding. That part makes me sigh out loud - another wedding, another room full of people wondering why I am still single, what is wrong with me, asking me when its going to be my turn. I dread it. I almost wish the dates of my trip don't conicide with the wedding - how awful is that?! I wish more than anything that I could be jumping up and down in joy for my cousin right now, excited that I will be able to attend her wedding....because if the situation was reversed, I know she would do that for me.

Of course I will go to her wedding if I am there, and be super happy for her because she truly deserves it - I only know too well what these last few years have been like for her. She is an amazing person and has a bigger heart than most people I know, I truly am happy that she has found happiness. I have to have hope that one day I, and my family, will get to experience the joy she is feeling right now. To know that things will finally work out.

But today, for one day, I am sad for me.

Date With Mr. New Jersey

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Tonight I had a date with Mr. New Jersey. I actually thought he was kinda cute in his picture, in a dorky sort of way because of his glasses...and for once, I was looking forward to meeting someone! We had chatted online twice, both times the conversation good. And when I called him to finalize when we were meeting, my voice even got squeaky and I realized I was nervous. All good signs :)

He came to pick me up at my place, very nice. His beamer wasn't so bad either :) (oh, by the way, i completely forgot to bring shoes for my date - but I improvised with shoes i usually wear with indian clothes! these things only seem to happen to me!) He got out of the car and shook my hand and said nice to meet you. A gentleman (though I'm a total hugger, but this was nice). First thing I noticed was his smile, very nice. He's 2-3 years younger than me, 6 feet tall and pretty slim/thin (yes, that makes me even fatter but we'll just let that go for now). He told me he was thinking minature golf and dinner...but it started to rain as we were driving so we had to scratch the mini golf. We had about a 45 minute drive so we talked a lot in the car. I asked him about his car and how I've been trying to figure out what I want...and he told me how he ordered his car and went to Germany to pick it up - how cool is that! He grew up in India but has been in the U.S. since high school - in fact, we went to the same high school, what a small world! I asked him if he missed India and would he go back...and he said maybe, staying here or moving there both had its pro's and con's - biggest pro of going back is that his family is all there. Hmmm....this is one of the main reasons I don't really talk to guys from India - they always want to go back and honestly, I just can't see myself settling there. But I decided to keep an open mind for the rest of the night, you never know.

Dinner was nice. We decided to sit outside under a tent while it was raining - I've never done that before, it actually created a nice ambiance. Conversation was good the entire time, no awkward moments. I don't know if there were any sparks right off the bat, but I did find him to be good looking and I remember thinking to myself that this would be a guy I could see myself going out with again. Here is a guy who seems like a true decent human being.

After dinner we went to a bar. It was raining out and my magenta umbrella was so tiny that it only covered half of the both of us! This led to frizzy crazy hair, but I guess it wasn't horrific. We talked about our travels and he told me how he went bunjee jumping in Costa Rica and how he's been sky diving and enjoys rafting and skiing. He's on a volleyball league - pretty cool, I like active guys. And then we got into this conversation about which is better - NJ or NY. He kept saying that he didn't think NJ was all that great but felt the need to counter every point I made about how great NY was. So I started calling him Mr. New Jersey as a joke...and thus his name.

On the drive home he asked if I wanted to go out anywhere else. Our date had already lasted 5 hours so I guess that's a good sign that he's interested? Neither of us actually said anything about getting together another time when I got out of the car - I thanked him for dinner and he said it was nice meeting me. We had the awkward hug that people sitting in cars exchange and then he waited until I got in the house before driving away. So I guess we will see!

I wouldn't be 100% honest if I didn't admit that Eagle crossed my mind more than once tonight. I guess its only human - to compare. But I did my best to leave it out of the above. And hopefully the comparisons will decrease with time. And only time will tell if Mr. New Jersey and I have sparks and how I feel about the whole India thing and if this could go somewhere...

In the meantime, I am talking to a few other guys as well - so stay tuned for more dates to hopefully come soon :)

In Withdrawal (The End of Eagle)

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 16:00:00 +0000

The day after I posted my last blog, I cried all the way to work. At first, I didn't understand why I was crying. And then I realized, I had to say goodbye to Eagle, goodbye to my best friend. This one sided love affair couldn't go on anymore. As I sat at my desk, I continued to cry. This was going to be a lot harder than even I had imagined. I did it fast, as quick as I could - I emailed him - I told him that the truth was that I was in love with my best friend, and I had to walk away. We have spent 6 months talking to each other for hours practically every night, and it had become that my days didn't feel complete until I had spoken to him...and I let him know as much. I thanked him for the past 6 months and thanked God for bringing so much joy into my life. I didn't get a response to my email, nor have I heard from him since...but I guess I didn't expect to.

So cold turkey - just like that - it was over. The "withdrawal" phase has not been easy. Breaking up with someone is one thing...having to let go of someone that had become like your best friend, that's a whole different ball game. After that first day, I haven't cried over it. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt like hell sometimes.

The practical side of me is really starting to realize that Eagle is not the type of guy I want to end up with and its good that this happened - he is such a charmer and I don't really trust him, in fact I know I would always have issues trusting him. He's a player. And I got played. Simple as that. Players are always honest - tell you exactly what they think, how many people they are seeing...and yet because they are so good at what they do, they do all of this in a manner that still makes you feel special and want to stick around because maybe, just maybe, you'll be that girl he really wants to be with. And that's where it gets complicated...because the practical side of me knows this is for the best...and the emotional side of me misses the attention he gave me and the way we just laughed together all the time. Most of all, I miss the friendship, a lot. But I know underneath the friendship that I miss, I always wanted more. And more is never going to happen. So I keep trying to tell myself that any guy I like, that likes me back - we'll have that kind of friendship, except it will actually mean something, it will be even better than what I had with Eagle. Because with Eagle there is no trust.

Part of me wonders if one day he'll realize what we had, will he ever approach me? I pray that if that ever happens, I am in a happy place with someone else so that I don't ever forget how much I don't trust him and get caught up in the moment. But for that, I have this blog to remind me, and all my close friends that will never let it happen. Because the way we get along and the way he makes me laugh would be so tempting to go back to...but the way he made me feel like I was never good enough, or all the insecurities he brought out in me - that is not something I want with me forever after. There absolutely can be no more Eagles in my life.

This is the last weekend of my knowing what Eagle has going on in his life, after this I have no idea what he has planned on his weekends or weekdays. Sure, I have been obsessively checking to see if he's logged into the dating site - gives me little insights into what he's doing. But even that has slowed down these past few days...and I am sure eventually it will stop 100%. We might be going to his town, or near his town, for dinner on Father's Day and I keep wondering if I will run into him. So what if I do? It will be awkward, it will probably even hurt, I'll just have to give a quick smile...and life will go on.

Life always has to go on. It's been years of trying to find someone, years of initial joy thinking this one could be it, years of heartbreaks. Sometimes I think I can't take anymore or that I am going to break. But I have to have faith that all this will be worth it - that this journey I am on is going to be overshadowed one day by the happiness that is waiting for me. Life always has to go on, and so I am moving along, slowly but surely...

Completely Heartbroken

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 04:00:00 +0000

Funny how a day, an hour, sometimes even just a minute changes everything.

For days now I have been wanting to share updates on Eagle and as I sit here to write this now I realize how what I would have written even 3 hours ago would have been so different than what I am about to write now.

You see, I was going to provide an update on everything that has been going on with Eagle...the conversations we have had, the times we've hung out since the last time I wrote, all the details that suddenly don't mean anything. He got laid off work 2 weeks ago, I was one of the first people he called. I sent him flowers and signed it 'With Love From Your BFF' and he loved them. He gave me a lot of attention that whole week, and I read into every piece of it. He & I went to Atlantic City one night - spent almost 8 hours together - and I walked away feeling even more special. Turns out an an aunty we know is his dad's first cousin and she called my dad and his dad to hook us up. I loved every moment of it. So the past 2 weeks, while I was verbally saying I am okay with Eagle being my MOH and my BFF, in my heart I was hoping for more. Always have been.

And then our conversation happened tonight. He went to this wedding this past weekend that was in a castle - its my dream to get married in a castle one day. So he called to tell me about it. He was asking how my weekend was and I told him about my date, without saying I was on a date - but he knew and asked me all kinds of questions. Then he was telling me what he did today and it totally sounded like a date to me but I didn't ask him who he was with. We were talking about dating and I asked him about one of his ex's and he told me how much he had pursued her and how tight they were and then how it didnt work out. This was the perfect opening for me to bring us up....so I asked him why he felt like we never worked out. He said he was always borderline but not sure - that we got along so well but that was it. I asked him if something was missing and he said yeah, something. I asked what and he said he didn't know and that he wanted to figure out what changed, that it would give him closure. I told him I think I know when it changed and he asked me not to tell him, that he wanted to think about it and come up with it himself. He said we both got to the same place - that even I realized this wasn't going anywhere. It hurt to hear him say so clearly that this wasn't going anywhere but I wanted to be very clear - I told him things changed for me because I got frustrated with never getting an answer from him. We talked about it a little but overall he was really being kind of quiet.

Then it happened. He told me he was thinking...about this girl. He's been dating her for the past 3 weeks and thought they really clicked and liked each other. He told me how he had pursued her and thought things were going well. He told me that over dinner tonight she told him that the only reason she was seeing him was because she knew she was moving in 3 weeks. He said he was taking it all in, he didn't know what that meant and how was he suppose to act next time he saw her. I mean he really sounded like he liked this girl!! And here I had been, feeling special, thinking maybe, just maybe, he liked me. What this girl had said was really affecting him. He said she had called three times since he was on the phone with me. And that tonight was the first time he didn't walk her to her apartment so she knew something was up. And he said that sometimes you just need that kick in the ass - you go around breaking hearts and then when it happens to you...when you are on the receiving end....

Okay wow. I was so taken aback. Floored. I started telling him that that is how I felt - that he may not have noticed but lately I haven't been calling him a lot or texting him....that I had really liked him and wished he would have told me sooner how he had felt. I said a lot, my voice was even kind of shaking, but I don't think I got my point across. I was one second away from telling him I don't think we should talk anymore....and instead I ended it telling him I was glad we ended up where we were and not to be sad about this other girl. All the while, my heart was breaking. I don't think he ever liked me the way he likes this girl....and here I was, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him. I have sat here thinking about him everyday, reading into every text and every contact....and he's been out dating someone else, clicking with her, falling for her. I am such an idiot. The tears are in my eyes and I can't even get them to fall - I think even they are stunned by my reality. God, I just can't believe it - I can't believe the time I have spent thinking of him, wanting him....and the whole time he was into someone else.

I can't even write anymore, I don't know what else to say. All that keeps playing over and over in my head is that song that they play on the radio - God how true the words of "Bleeding Love" are for me, its what I am doing at this very moment - bleeding love. How am I going to get through this? How??

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

Date With Artsy Guy

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Sat, 31 May 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Another Saturday...another date. I'm actually "talking" (or emailing to be more accurate) a bunch of people right now so hopefully that will lead to tons more dates and with the way probability works - one of them will be "the one". I know I need to go through this process - but boy, this is a lot of work - and quite expensive!!! Each guy means getting the eyebrows done, a manicure & a pedicure - at the very least! But I always make myself do it, thinking what if this guy could be it - I need to make sure I'm at my best.

So back to Artsy guy. He's like 6 feet tall and his picture was cute (though he was wearing a baseball hat - always makes me wonder if they're bald when they do that) and we'd only exchanged like 2 emails - so I didn't know much about him besides what was in his online dating profile. But it turns out he was my year and went to my rival high school - what a small world!

Before we even met up, I was a little annoyed. You see, the week before he had emailed me and we had made plans to meet up yesterday. Thursday rolled around and I hadn't heard from him...so I dropped him an email to see if we were still on and I got "hey was just about to email you about that". Right. He tells me he's putting together some ideas for things for us to do and will call me Friday. Okay, a planner, I like that. Friday I get an email saying he's going out with an old college buddy so will call me Saturday to discuss plans for Saturday afternoon (we had decided to meet up around 4pm/got to NYC). Saturday morning - no phone call. I check my email and he sent another message saying he had ended up crashing at his friends place and would be back in time for us to meet up and would call me. Okay (uh, what if I hadn't checked email?!). 4pm rolls around - nothing. I text him telling him I'm already on the train, is he? You guessed it - phone rings less than a minute later! He was like are you really?? I said I was joking, actually running a little late myself and he said he was on the way home from his friends as well and would call me when he got home. He calls at 5pm (I've been ready since early afternoon!) and asks if I was okay with Tapas for dinner - I said that was fine. And he said I was thinking dinner & a movie - and mentioned this artsy movie called "The Fall". I said fine to that too. He calls back a half hour later to finalize timings and we decide to meet at a train station and take the train in together. There was a train in 20 minutes...but he tells me he still needs to shower. Ugh! So we decide to meet at the train station for the 6:45pm train. (Now you see why I was slightly annoyed even before we met!)

So I get to the train station....first impression...WOW are you skinny!! And he had a back-pack with him, I was confused, kinda odd to bring on a date? Plus it was eery how much he looked like my cousin's dad who had passed away - about the same height, skin color, look. That totally threw me off. When he saw me he gave me a hug and said "You look nice". Okay, that was refreshing to hear - only cause with Eagle I've been left wondering what is wrong with me (note: update on Eagle coming shortly).

We got on the train and conversation was nice - he mentioned he smoked and asked if I was okay with that. I said it was fine, as long as the smoke was not in my face (I am way too nice to actually say yes, I mind). He asked if I was vegetarian and he then said he was planning on getting a meat thing at the tapas place that he's been wanting to try out and hoped that was okay - I said that's fine (again really, how else would you answer that). He was telling me how he used to live in NY with his ex-girlfriend (ok) and how it took some time but now he was really ready to meet someone - he wasn't ready before. He also told me he's never really dated Indian girls before (here I am thinking again - another Eagle?!) Then he was telling me about his job - sounded really interesting actually. Even before meeting him, I did know that he made less money than me (it was on his profile) - and yes, that is a problem for me. But I am trying to keep an open mind cause you never know...but on a side note, I really need to decide how big of an issue this is for me because no point in wasting everyone's time if its going to bother me in the long run - I really don't want to be the bread-winner.

We got to NY and then had to take a subway to get to Soho/Village where this restaurant and movie theater were. As soon as we were off the train he had a smoke. I was wearing my sexy heels :) and this guy had long legs - literally he was always walking way ahead of me - I think women all understand that you can't exactly run in heels. When we got to the subway station, he told me to buy a Metro Card. Okay - sorry - first reaction again - why can't I use yours?? And really, you're going to make me buy it - you're not going to buy it for me? Okay so yes, I have expectations. Gentlemen never let a lady pay - they just don't. I hate that I instantly always think of Eagle in these situations but the first thought that went through my head was Eagle would have paid for the card and never asked me to do so. Again - just all part of the first impression - it is what it is (and I need to stop thinking about Eagle - ugh!)

We got to the restaurant and dinner was nice - he's talkative so there weren't really a lot of awkward moments. But I did start realizing that its much easier to go out with someone after you've had a few conversations with them (vs. none) as there's naturally just other things to talk about then. He paid for dinner - that was nice. When I offered to split it, he said I could get it next time. It's always nice to hear someone say next time - kinda lets you know what they're thinking I guess. As soon as dinner was over and we were outside, he had another smoke. Then we went to go see the movie - nice again that he paid. I bought the drinks & snacks. The theater was so packed we ended up in the first row! Part of the movie was filmed in India so that was really cool to see - visually this movie was breathtaking. A little hard to follow at times and we were both guilty of nodding off more than once :)

The movie ended at midnight. As soon as we stepped outside of the theater, he had another smoke. Chain smoker - not quite what I was expecting. The bar next door had some live jazz music - he asked if I wanted to go in and I said I was fine. So we headed back to the subway to catch all of our trains to get back home. I asked him about the back-pack as we were standing around and he said he had his wallet in there and his umbrella (it was raining), etc. and that it was just easier to have this. I laughed saying oh, so this is your man purse. He laughed too - and said he actually had a better one at home. Again, to be completely honest, I immediately thought Eagle would never do that - bring a back-pack - in fact, the kind of guys I end up liking (more classy for lack of a better word) would never have done that. Call me a snob, but its odd to be on a date with a guy walking around with a back-pack!

On the train ride home, he was actually kind of flirty with me - grabbing my arm or playfully punching me. He was telling me how I should see a jazz concert (he's really into music) and about 3 times asked if I would show him around my city. He even asked if I was okay to drive home from the train station and did I want to get some coffee first (prolonging our time together, nice). Okay, so he liked me - that's a good feeling because lately I've been left wondering at times if anyone is ever going to really like me. Too bad though, because I don't like him. The smoking thing is definetly a turn-off but in general not attracted to him at all.....

So that was my date with the Artsy guy. Somehow I have to let him know I'm not interested next time he gets in touch with me. But it was nice to meet him and nice to hear how he is really ready to meet someone now - that we were on the same page at least when it came to wanting to 'settle down'.

I was pleased with myself that I gave Artsy guy my full attention, kept an open-mind and really made an effort to be myself and see what could happen. But I just realized how many times I mentioned Eagle in this email - what can I do? I am trying my best to "move on" but its only human I guess that its going to take time....

My Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (Single Indian Girl) — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:00:00 +0000

Last Sunday I proudly, confidently proclaimed that I was okay with Eagle just being my friend. Yes, I believed it 100%...when I said it...

So this is how this week has played out:

Monday
I talked to Eagle at night, as usual, with this new profound feeling of wow, its nice to have a guy "best friend". We talked for a long time and I mentioned that I was going to be in his city the next day for work....he didn't say anything about meeting up - and neither did I (so proud of me!)

Tuesday
Gave in - ended up asking Eagle if he wanted to get together, which of course he said yes (he usually always says yes). When I was done with my meetings I called him and the way he was willing to leave work and hang out with me was such a nice feeling. Made me feel special - he's really good at that - making me feel special. We hung out for a few hours - people watched, walked around, did some fun things. While we were together, three times he was on the phone - twice with this one girl, and then the 3rd time with another girl. Making plans with both of them for dinner - one for tonight and one for the next night. Using that sweet voice that guys sometimes use. They could have been friends or they could have been dates - I have no idea, I'm assuming the second one based on the sweet voice. Things he said, and things he knew about their schedules made me suddenly realize how special I am not. I'm just "one of the girls" - if even that.

I went through a rollar coaster of emotions in the 3 hours we were together. And on my way home, talked to one of my best friends who said Everyday you spend with him, is one more day you are further away from meeting the guy you are suppose to be with. Damn. So true. So that night I didn't call him. Sure, I knew he was going out to dinner but still, I could have called really late as I usually do - but I didn't. Suddenly, I'm not so special.

Wednesday
It was a very hard day!! I didn't text him or call him at all. And guess what - he didn't text or call me either :( I knew he was going out to dinner again that night - and I started thinking about how much time I am spending thinking of him and he's out having a good time, not giving me a second thought.

Thursday
It only got harder. And really depressing! No emails, text, or calls from me. And you guessed it - none from him either. The really hard part to deal with is that I really thought we had a real friendship underneath it all - that even for that he would have reached out to say hi. He told me once - that we are where we are because of me and despite of him. So true. We are in constant contact with each other because I always initiate it - always. So that was the hardest part to deal with today - realizing that everything we "have" is 100% only because of me. And that if I stopped, would we have anything?

Friday
I gave in. So pathetic - considering everything I just shared! But I am only human - think of him as an addiction, because that is really what he is. And I stayed away for 3 nights - its a good start, right?

I called him at work around noon - no answer. Then I texted him asking if he was at work (I remember him maybe saying he was going to take the day off) - no reply. Then I called him on his cell phone awhile later - he picked up with a "hey what's going on babe" ---- and it was like instant gratification and I instantly felt good again. SO STUPID - I KNOW!! But it's exactly how addicts must feel when they give in to whatever they are addicted to. He was telling me how he took the day off, was in the car with his brother - they had just gone to their aunt's place to give her a mother's day card and hang out with her - and then he was like see, i'm a really nice guy. (Sometimes he really is - but not right for me). He was going to another bachelor party this weekend and told me he was going to leave in 2-3 hours. Then his brother was talking to him and he was like let me call you back.

Three hours later - I call him back. You are going to kill me right about now, aren't you? I just didn't get my "fix" for the day and I knew he was leaving soon so I don't know - I just had to call. I got his voicemail (which actually I was kinda hoping for) and left him a message about this joke we shared in relation to where he was going. I wasn't expecting a call back, there really wasn't anything to talk about. Two minutes later, he called - he was in the car with 3 other guys. I remember thinking it was nice that he called and talked to me with other guys in the car....and then I wondered if he called because it made him look "cool" in front of his friends. Either way, we only talked for 3 minutes...while this conversation about hookers was going on in the background. Okay then! We were getting off the phone and I yelled "Good Luck" (re: winning in gambling) really loud - and then felt like the biggest idiot in the world realizing everyone in the car probably heard me. I was so embarassed - the whole thing just made me feel ultra stupid. Guess it all goes back to what I said last weekend - being around him just brings out all my insecurities. Ugh.

That's the update on this week. Eagle probably never realized I didn't even call him - or if he did, he was totally fine with it. He's my addiction and I need to ween myself off of him. Everyday I spend with him or thinking of him is one more day I am further away from meeting the guy I am suppose to be with, right? I keep saying I want to be friends with him - and in my heart I really do - but then I can't be bothered if there are other women - and no one can make that switch over night.

He usually texts me when he's gambling, letting me know how he's doing - maybe he will this weekend, maybe he won't. If I was honest, I guess I would like him to. But I can't be disappointed if he won't. And all I keep telling myself is that his best bud Hefner is with him again...and that can only mean bad news. I am telling myself this over and over and over - because at the end of the day, Eagle is NOT the kind of guy I want to end up with.

I will not be initiating anymore contact this weekend, especially not as stupid as I feel - that's a promise.