Single Mom Rambles

Insane Sleeping Habits & Family

2009-05-22T18:54:00.001-04:00

Oh my goodness, it seems like all I’ve done lately is sleep! Its really starting to interfere with my plans. And my life. I’ve also been having some pretty serious mood swings, and for someone who’s normally quite even keeled, that’s major.

So I stopped taking my meds officially today. Yes, my doctor has been notified. I’ll make an appointment later, especially if it becomes obvious that I still need depression medication. But as it was making it worse, and the other side effects were miserable, I’ve decided to stop. We’ll see how it goes.

On a happier note, went boating with the family again yesterday. That was fun, although rather a big fiasco. The motor died on us in the middle of Lake St George, and since it was only the second time its been out since my Dad bought it, he’s understandably rather ticked. But it was still rather fun, and much cooler out on the lake then on land, that’s for sure!

Fortunately my little brother was with us, so he towed us into shore with his boat. The Princess had a good ole time on Uncle Matt’s boat! She enjoys boating with her Aunt Kristen I think more then anything else. The boat is in the shop currently, and as of this morning had 14 ahead of it that needed to be fixed. Welcome to Memorial Day Weekend in Maine! Everyone and their brother want to go boating, or camping.

Technorati Tags: Boating,Depression Medicine,Medicine,Side Effects,Lake St George,Memorial Day Weekend,Maine

My Birthday Weekend

2009-05-04T14:33:00.001-04:00

Image by ainasa via Flickr

What a great weekend! Saturday was my 26th birthday. Where did the time go? I still think I’m 18 or something. The years between 18 and now are a blur. A lot has happened in those years, but still!

Was childfree Friday night until Sunday morning. Very nice. It was good to relax and live like being single for a bit. Have I mentioned that I love my sister in law?

Went to the movies all by myself on Saturday night. Had to collect my free birthday movie! I went to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, and let me tell you it was a GREAT movie! If you haven’t seen it, you should. Even the guys that were dragged by their girls to see it seemed to enjoy it.

Unfortunately now I have to deal with the aftermath, since I did absolutely nothing all weekend for housework. And things are quite messy! Though now I have a headache, which rather puts a damper on getting things done right now.

Finally Got Outside

2009-04-25T23:07:00.002-04:00

Goodness, was it a gorgeous day out there today! Maine was seeing good spring temperatures of around 80 degrees. The sun was shining, it was just a wonderful day to get outside!

I took the Princess and my camera outside, and we went for an “adventure” as she called it. Really just went for a walk on the road and one of the trails up behind my house. Of course, the plan had been just to take the road, so I wasn’t particularly dressed for trail walking, but I used to run barefoot on these trails! So I took it all in stride.

It was really hot up on the Ridge though, so I was glad for my shorts and flip-flops! There had been some clear cutting done, and the sun was baking on the exposed part of the trail. Princess didn’t want to stop, so we made the loop and came back home. She really enjoys taking walks with Mommy, but she’s such a chatterbox that it makes it hard to take decent nature shots. Mostly focus on those things that aren’t going to run away from me and her…everything else hears her coming a mile away.

Then we got back home, and I took bit of a rest, we ate a snack and then went out to ride our bikes for a bit. Princess isn’t that good at riding yet, but her training wheels are in bad shape. So I spent half my time trying to teach her what to do, with some frustration. She doesn’t seem to enjoy learning as much as I do, but she’s figuring things out, I think. The thing that’s going to get her to learn is that she wants to ride with Mommy, but she can’t really do that until she rides well enough to take further afield. Her bike might be a bit too big for her as well.

Gonna have a great summer I’m hoping, got some plans for this one!

Thank Goodness Its Friday

2009-04-24T18:26:00.002-04:00

Its official. I need to start working out again. One measly turn around the road on my bike had me extremely out of breath. For someone who easily maintains an “athletic” build, that’s rather depressing. On the upside, Princess is having a blast running her bike on about 10 feet of road. She lacks the confidence to actually peddle up any sort of incline.

One of my neighbors today offered to give the Princess a free riding lesson after she had worked the spring fever out of the horses. That would be an awesome experience for the Princess. She gets to ride a bit on my little brother’s MIL’s horse, but that’s mostly sitting while someone leads the horse. Must say I’m a bit jealous, as I love riding horses.

My house is a disaster area. I really need to get some work done in here. Some things are shaping up, while others have fallen by the wayside. One of these days I will get it all figure out. Apparently I have a rather slow learning curve, since I’ve been home for about a month. Not doing anywhere near as well as I would like.

I really have to let go of my perfectionism though, or at least figure out a way to make it work with me verses against me. This week was pretty much wasted, but the Princess goes back to school on Monday. I can’t wait! I miss having my time while she’s in school, I get more done that way.

Photos are mine, taken last spring.

Spring Break Has Officially Started

2009-04-17T21:55:00.002-04:00

Image by janusz l via Flickr

And I'm clueless. I have no idea how I am going to balance work, house, and her all week. I'm barely balancing them with her gone for 6 hours a day! Now I have to figure out how to clean my home, write articles and entertain her. My head feels like its going to explode just thinking about it.

Hopefully it will remain nice this week, and then she can keep herself occupied outside. If it rains though, I don't know what to do. Playdough, coloring books and tv only keep her amused for so long. The joys of a rather active 6 year old!

Any tips, tricks or ideas out there in cyberworld? Anything that will keep her occupied and me sane would work. The more I can keep her occupied, the less dependent on me she is. And if Princess could, she would climb right back where she came from...and even though she can't, she tries really hard. I may not be Mommy Of The Year, but survival of both parties is my number one rule. Wish me luck! :)

Scouring The House

2009-04-11T15:18:00.003-04:00

Image by nooriskandar™ via Flickr

Today I'm going to focus on cleaning as much of my house as possible. All I can smell is old nicotine and stale cigarette smoke, and its making me nauseous. Driving me absolutely batty as well. I also need to clean in order to keep my productivity steady. I should do more during the week, but if I clean on weekends, then there is that much less to do during the week.

I'm not going to go crazy tearing down curtains and washing walls yet, but it might happen! If I tear down the curtains, they are NOT going back up...until I replace the curtain rods at least. Since that isn't happening for a bit, I'll deal with them as is. Maybe Fabreeze them. I know that doesn't remove the issue, but at least it should help with the smell. :)

Poor Princess has been evicted to play outside. She does seem to be having an easier time creating games for herself, so perhaps this summer won't be as bad as last. The child insists on going back from where she came, I don't understand her dependence. I spent hours outside. *shrug*

Any ideas for getting rid of that stale nicotine/cigarette smoke smell?

Chaotic Mess ~ Home, Brain & Parenting

2009-04-10T23:30:00.003-04:00

Image by brentbat via Flickr

Boy, do I sure know how to overwhelm myself! I feel like I'm spinning around without a direction...just waiting for that moment where I get too dizzy and fall flat on my ass. Hard. Painfully. Probably roll down the hill.

Guess I should kick my superwoman complex to the curb. But I don't wanna! I can do it all! Of course it would be great if I could count on my ex for child support, but alas, he is showing no signs of improvement in that area. Or any other for that matter.

On top of that, I just really do not know what to do with my daughter. She's driving me CRAZY! I've never seen such a destructive six year old. She leaves wrappers everywhere, destroys anything she gets her hands on, hides food, has absolutely no situational awareness...then has my temper and a killer attitude on top of that. She's emotional, dependent....yet exceedingly strong willed. Frankly its like living with a sixteen year old instead of a six year old.

I'm pretty much at my wits end with this kid. I can't seem to get her to grasp the most basic concepts...yet she is highly intelligent. Rumor has it that she hit her teacher the other day, and that is most unlike my daughter. She's not a hitter, unless its Mommy. She's normally quite peaceful in public, although a bit rambunctious...that all changes if Mommy's there though! Not sure how to relate to her at all, sometimes I think she's some alien being.

Maybe I'll figure it out one day...this kid should have come with an owner's manual!

She's The Spawn Of Satan I Tell You

2009-04-08T22:45:00.004-04:00

Image by digitalART2 via Flickr

Alright, not really. But when she is in certain moods, it sure feels like it. We were doing so well when she got home from school and me from taking Mom grocery shopping. Then BAM! I almost expected her head to start spinning like the Exorcist. Yup, that good. She even has a possessed, demonic scream. It's weird.

I think this latest outburst was due to the fact that evil Mommy (aka ME) wouldn't let her see her Easter things, or color Easter eggs tonight. Massive freakout. Then she seemed to accept it, and decided it was more fun to torment Mommy by talking NON-stop. Why oh why did I teach her to talk?

Then I sat down to get some work done, as I had an idea percolating for half the day. Word processor open, child watching tv...ahhh. Enter Demoness. Seriously, what did I do NOW? Deal with situation, sit down again. Demoness seems determined to have Mommy time...aka AllMyFocusIsOnHer time. Don't glance away! Did I mention she was a Pisces?

Then came the bedtime drama. Of course she doesn't WANT to go to bed, I mentioned it, not her. Too bad, I'm bigger then you, deal with it. Get her tucked into bed, start reading our bedtime story (Fablehaven) and another meltdown. Jiminey Christmas! 20 minutes later, story is read and I'm hiding in the kitchen. She is finally asleep.

What an angel!

Childfree Evening

2009-04-04T00:18:00.002-04:00

Image by funnelwebmaster via Flickr

I absolutely adore my sister in law. She loves spending time with the Spawnlet, so Jas ends up spending a night or two during the weekend with her. Which usually allows me to decompress a bit, and catch up on odd ball work. Or to completely ignore my to do list and catch up on sleep, which was the agenda tonight.

Yes, I know I'm lucky.

Still trying to figure out how to fit everything in. Even with a night off, there is far too much to do. Housework, business, social...AH! I must say though, on the housework front, I'm becoming a regular Susie Homemaker. I actually like to clean. Even doing the dishes. And I hated handwashing dishes for most of my life! But its suddenly rather soothing and peaceful. Not sure what caused the change, but I like it. More gets done that way.

My best friend is still annoying me. I love him, don't get me wrong, but he is starting to climb up on my last nerve. I'm tired of the games, tired of the bull. Like I have time and space in my life to deal with his issues on top of mine. He wants to play mind games, and I'm having none of that. I don't have the energy to play anymore. I've been with him for almost 4 years, and enough is enough...the relationship is turning toxic. He's going to get steamrolled, I'm that irritated. He has until Monday morning to pm me so that we can talk, or he's off my friend's list and out of my life.

Nice thing about online, I can just delete and ignore idiots. Wish that worked in the real world. But I need to focus on me and my life, nevermind my daughter, and he's just a drain on my resources. Which as any parent, especially single, knows, they aren't large to begin with!

Overwhelmed And Complications

2009-04-01T00:41:00.004-04:00

Image by dbarronoss via Flickr

I am overwhelmed. I guess that is the best way to describe this stuck, frozen place I'm in. I think I've added way more then I can handle in less time then I needed to. I'm flitting around from one thing to the next, and not getting much accomplished. And of course everything suffers.

But I know that I am capable of rising to the challenge. I think its just the nature of sudden change. Though seriously, being a single mom managing both a house and a business sounds like the beginning of a joke. Fortunately, I only have the one child.

Then there is the issue of my best friend. We had a thing going for awhile, but he's suddenly acting strange...distant even. He's driving me insane. I still consider him my best friend no matter what. I'm not sure if he's changing or if he's just reacting to my changes. Guess the best thing is just to be his friend, and give him the space he needs. Maybe he'll talk about it, but I doubt it.

Mom had to go for a sleep study the other night, she might have sleep apnea. She found another lump, this time under her armpit, so she will need to have that removed and analyzed.

More complications...

Need To Focus

2009-03-14T22:57:00.002-04:00

Image by zedzap via Flickr

I really need to find my focus. I've lost it somewhere along the way, and I'm back to mindlessly running through life. Not going to get me anywhere, I already know that. Funny how it is so much easier at times to stick with what makes you unhappy then to go after what makes you happy.

Maybe I need to reprioritize. I'm not sure. I'm on meds now, and I HATE that...I detest medicine. Maybe its adding to my varying degrees of sidetrackness, I don't know.

Eh, where to go from here? Up I suppose.

What Is Wrong With Me?

2009-01-27T00:46:00.003-05:00

Image by noodlepie via FlickrWell, today was a better day, although not the greatest. I did manage to get a small amount of housework done...and I do mean small! Did a bit of work as well, though no actual writing. Unless you count blogging of course.

I just cannot stand being a mess. I've always been the take charge, get it done, super-motivated and driven individual. And now I'm the epitome of slacker. I truly do not understand how I fell so far. And what's worse is I can't seem to break the pattern.

Maybe its too much for me anymore. I've always been Superwoman, but maybe that's too much. I don't know. It seems rather odd to not be able to do something you once did with ease. Perhaps I expect too much out of myself, or I do not hold myself accountable enough. I don't know.

I can say that I'm tired of whining. Tired of being the world's worst Mother, tired of not being a decent housekeeper, tired of NOT being Superwoman...just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Why can't I get my life in order? I know what I have to do, its not exactly rocket science. But I have a hard time taking even one step...and when I do, its like I'm taking 12 back afterwards. Did I lose all my discipline over the years? Or is it something more insidious?

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse now, and have probably depressed everyone who might have stumbled onto this page. But I have to get it out, even if its repeatedly. I could scream I'm so frustrated with myself. I am actually ashamed of how far I've fallen. I wouldn't want my closest friends to know what's going on with me...they probably wouldn't believe it if they saw it.

I just want to be me again.

Childfree and Rambling

2009-01-26T00:07:00.000-05:00

Well, today is my lucky day. My sister-in-law Kristen took my spawnlet home with her tonight, so I get a break until sometime tomorrow. Which is good, because I am in no condition to deal with an overactive spawnlet today! It was my first day back to my part time job in over a week, due to them cutting back my minuscule hours, and it wreaked havoc with my body.

Now I have a headache, and as of yet, still no energy. I wonder if it has anything to do with a lack of vitamins. I'm going to try taking Geritol every day and see if that helps. If not, there are other avenues...besides the horrendous amount of coffee I drink day and night. If it weren't for the coffee though, I'd probably never get out of bed. Its about the only think keeping me on my feet.

Of course I'm irritated with myself at the moment. I am handed a golden opportunity to get stuff done, and of course I do absolutely nothing. No writing, no cleaning...nothing but me and my best friend the computer. I'm inclined to think that there is something wrong with me. The old me would have busted her butt and narrowed down a massive to do list. This me is just "Blech, I'll do it later." When did I turn into the queen of procrastination? I've always been a very busy, very driven person...and as of late, I've been the exact opposite. Of course it hits when I need it the most!

I say as of late, but its really been going on for years. It wasn't quite as bad when I married my ex and the spawnlet was first born, but its been on a steady decline and has gotten far worse since I moved back home (sans husband). If I had to think of what REALLY started the decline, I would say it was when my back went out on me shortly after her birth. And I do mean went out. This wasn't a twinge, this was a full on, drop to the floor shuddering like I was having a seizure, couldn't move, went out. Not the highlight of my overactive life. My health has declined steadily since that moment.

Perhaps I should talk to my doctor about anti-depressants. I really don't WANT to take them, but I cannot ignore the fact that I could very well be depressed. I'm not myself, that's for damn sure. I'm not even much inclined to take actions that will pull me out of my situation (aka, being a broke as hell single mom). I don't want to do ANYTHING, and its rather annoying me. I don't want to write (and I LOVE writing), take pictures (again I LOVE it), clean my house...really anything. I just want to curl in a corner and hope the world forgets about me. I'm starting to doubt the idea that its just a vitamin deficiancy. But one never knows.

Geesh, I even sound depressing...

Falling Into A Black Hole

2009-01-24T23:31:00.000-05:00

Image via WikipediaI need to get the thoughts out of my head.

So I decided to start yet another blog, although I wonder how well I will maintain this one. My track record sucks. But that's negative thinking. I feel rather negative lately. I don't know which way is up. Feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole.

I can't get out of my own way.

Its not that I can't see ways out of my situation, its that I can't find my drive or the energy to see it through. I'll have a good run and then nothing. Its like I burn out so easily these days. I'm not sure what is going on, but I'm creating this blog to maybe see what is going on, and to get some advice from time to time. Is it something in the air, or am I just depressed? I don't know, but its annoying.

I should go get some sleep...perhaps the answer lies within my dreams.