Single Mom Soaring: Flying Solo

Falling Scales

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 02:52:00 +0000

Yesterday as I drove to the new church I have been visiting for the past few months, I pondered whether or not I should continue visiting, join or begin to visit another church. No particular reason other than as usual I wasn't feeling connected (go figure). But boy oh boy did the Lord have plans for me.

The series for the past several weeks has been about Community, yesterday it was about Relational Balance and prior to the sermon there was a skit that I swear God wrote, produced and directed SPECIFICALLY for me. I mean for real this thing had my name written all over it!!! Have you ever known the Lord was talking directly to you? Well yesterday He had a earful for me. So about this skit...the main character was a young lady who had just moved to a new place for a fresh start. Everything was new in her home with the exception of a few personal items. SIDEBAR - I moved recently and purchased everything new, I sold all my old items from my old life (marriage) and considered myself starting over.....Well this young lady had everything all planned out, right down to the type of friends SHE had ordered. She believed her life was finally in balance and then....Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome enters the picture from nowhere and there goes the balance and all the friends out the door along with it. As the scene played out, I was trying to keep my mouth from dropping open so the folks sitting around me wouldn't know that was my life story being played out on stage.

Cut to the sermon....The pastor began to talk about the types of relationships we have in our lives and how we should each have 1-3 mentors in our lives, you know the folks who feed into us and make us feel fuller and equals, the people who make your life feel richer and whom you have a reciprocal relationship with. He also said you should have a balance of 2/10 people in your life. Two people who you can all at any time of the day or night and know they will be there for you if needed and ten people who are also your equal. You know what I realized? My relational balance is severely unbalanced, there is no balance and I am lacking those 4-7 equal interactions per month. As a single mom, I am constantly giving of myself in so many ways to my children because that is my job, I love them and it is what I do. Problem is, I have not allowed people to feed into me, to sow into my life, to make my life richer and fuller. It has not been intentional that this has happened, I attribute it to my family background and having been bullied while growing up. Because of these two things, I only let people get so close to me before I either drive them away or drop them. All this became so clear to me after listening to the sermon yesterday when the scales just fell off my eyes. I left church yesterday with firm intentions and a plan to make changes in my life. So far, I have asked two of my trusted friends to hold me accountable for 1. Getting into the right small group and becoming involved - not standing on the sidelines AND 2. Actively seeking out social interactions with new people.

I also apologize to all the friends in my life past and present who I have disconnected from either because of a man or because of the issues within myself that I wasn't even aware existed.

Even though I have a long way to go, today I have felt so much better emotionally and physically than I have in a very long time. I experienced more clarity and focus at work than I have in months. And I was even able to get up at 5am and workout so I can lose these 10lbs that I have gained.

I realize this process is probably going to be painful because it will be so far out of my comfort zone and I know I will want to give up and retreat. Because of that, I ask you all to hold me accountable and keep me in your prayers.

Stepping out on faith and other lessons from God's Word....

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 02:42:00 +0000

Ok so it has been a few weeks since my last post and some may be wondering where I have been. Well.... I have been painting, packing, cleaning, scraping, patching walls, removing wallpaper, caulking and every other home repair I never imagined I myself capable of doing. But in the midst of all that what I found myself doing was stepping out on faith, as I have decided to rent out my home and move to a better neighborhood with a better school district.

There have been many, many changes going on, but let me give you a little background. My kids have been in a Christian school for the past several years, even after their father left I made sacrifices to keep them there because I wanted them at a school where God was placed in the forefront. Unfortunately, through the transition of many administrators during the years I no longer feel the presence of God at the school so needless to say we are leaving. In any case, I have decided on a public school education for them which is part of the reason we are moving, coupled with a neighborhood I have not been happy with for some time AND the neighbor from HELL, literally. That last point is no joke and my friends and family can attest to that fact.

Unfortunately, I sometimes have to be forced out of hurtful situations because I allow myself to be comfortable with the status quo. The status quo is never a good thing because you stop growing (although sometimes it takes me a while to figure that out). The challenges I mentioned above are ones that have been around for awhile but I allowed them to linger until recently when a fire for change began to burn in me. In other words I just got fed up!

Apparently getting fed up is what God wanted for me because He knows that is what works for me. After several folks cancelled on me, I prayed and asked God for help and starting working on my house with a vengeance. The next thing I knew I was two weeks into the project and I looked up and was amazed at all that I had been able to accomplish with God's help. At that very moment, God's Word - Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" came alive to me in a way that it never has before. I thought back on all the circumstances that brought me where I was, all the folks who had been placed in my life to help during the process and was so overwhelmed with emotion. The scripture also spilled over into other aspects of my life, work and personal. I suddenly became less fearful and now believe I am able to accomplish anything.

I stepped out on faith and God met me where I was cause that's how He works.

Shout Outs

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 01:43:00 +0000

Oh my goodness - I have comments!! LOL...I feel so official now. I love you guys:) Thanks for reading and commenting.

Question of The Day....

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Thu, 05 May 2011 13:20:00 +0000

A fellow divorcee posed this question to me a couple of weeks ago and it has stayed with me so I am curious to know how others feel about this.

After a divorce, why is our marital status divorced rather than single? I mean aren't we now considered single? Why are we being singled out (pardon the pun) as divorced? What box do we fit in?

I know, I know that was more than one question, but hey those questions perplex me and I need to know....

REAL Talk about Single Parenting!

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Thu, 05 May 2011 02:02:00 +0000

I know when I started this blog, I wanted to emphasize that divorce and single parenting are not a death sentence and how I would rise above and all that.....And here is not to say that I don't still feel that way, or that I have given up, but it is HARD! There are days I want to give up, days when I can understand how some parents have taken the easy way out and left their kids to be raised by others. And you know what??? I am not ashamed to admit that I have had those thoughts because I am human. Truth be told, I am sure there is not a parent out there, single or otherwise who hasn't entertained thoughts similar to that AT LEAST one time in their journey as a parent. God did not intend on marriages ending in divorce, nor did He intend on one parent raising a child or children. I have to keep reminding myself that God never gives us more than we can handle and He is waiting for us to ask if for help. He wants a RELATIONSHIP with us. I know I cannot raise these two girls on my own, but I also know how I have been blessed just having them, no matter the circumstance. I am constantly asking God to make parenting a smooth, natural process for me. If I am being honest I would have to stay that parenting does not come naturally for me, I have to work at it and many times I fail. But I keep seeking God's help and I keep trying to learn from my mistakes. And in the grand scheme of it all, those are life lessons I want my children to learn.

TGIF?

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 02:30:00 +0000

Fridays for me always start out great yet always end up with me borderline depressed. Let me explain, at the beginning of the workday I love Fridays. I mean I am all TGIF!! Yeah - "Cheers to the freakin' weekend", no work for two days and I'm going to have some rest and some fun. This goes on till about 5pm when I get home and realize I have nothing to do. Now when I say nothing, you know that is not really true because I have two little women wanting snacks, dinner, candy and to stay up all night. See they have NO problem with Friday nights. But for me Friday nights have always been downers, even when I was single and childless. I remember back then coming to my apartment and laying on my well worn green chenille couch (sadly yes) and staying in front of the TV till around 11pm, trying to fight off the tears and finally giving in and going to bed. I have tried to escape the feeling with visits to friend's houses for playdates for mommy and the kids or having movie night at home. Tonight I even went to family movie night with the girls at the new church we have been visiting. We watched Disney's Tangled (http://adisney.go.com/disneypictures/tangled/), which turned out to be a cute and entertaining movie for us all - even the skater princess. I thoroughly enjoyed myself as well which came as a surprise because I am not big on fairy tales - the realist in me, I guess. However, as I was driving home that old familiar feeling began to creep up again and by the time I walked through my door it was there - waiting for me like a black cloud.

After all these years, I have still not escaped it. I have to get to the root of this! Time for me to ask my Daddy what to do. He will know what to do, He always does.

Too Long

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 01:53:00 +0000

It's been too long, way too long since I've had the urge to even think about putting a pen to paper or in this case my fingers to these keys. It's been too long, way too long since I have had a desire to share myself in this way with others. So long in fact that I had to search this brain of mine to remember both the email address and password to even get into my blog account. How sad is that? But today I began to get that itch again. Some of my friends have been saying for awhile that I needed to start blogging again, but I just kept schlepping through my days with no direction. Today for some reason, the light bulb went on, today I spoke the words aloud, "I think I am going to start blogging again". Yep I said that just out of the blue and you know when you speak things aloud that are in line with God's plan for you, He gives you confirmation. My confirmation came less than an hour ago and in the same day I expressed my intent to begin writing again. Almost a year ago, I submitted an article to a very popular website for single moms to be a contributing writer. I was accepted as a writer, but did not submit any contributions other than my first article. Today I received an email from the owner of the blog wanting to use my article as part of a Mother's Day celebration week on the website! How is that for confirmation? I really don't know what it means or what the future holds in regard to me writing, but I will say this: writing energizes me and makes me feel alive. Who doesn't want to do something that brings them to life? Did I say earlier I had just been schlepping though life? Yeah I was, but no more.

Picture Day

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:44:00 +0000

Today is picture day for my 8 year old; my beautiful daughter who has entered the tomboy stage. You know the stage where she refuses to wear anything even remotely feminine like skirts, dresses or earrings. The one that requires her to constantly wear her braids in a plain old ponytail, no headbands, no cute little hair accessories, nothing. Because of her affinity for skinny jeans, plaid shirts and revamped Chuck Taylors, she has been dubbed as my skater princess. For the life of me I do not remember going thru the tomboy phase, I believe I have always been a diva.

In any case, my little skater princess had to wear a dress today because her school requires it. There was no conflict when it came to wearing the dress, but I had to force her to wear earrings and I thought she would faint when I styled her braids in a bun on top of her head. I think the style is absolutely adorable on her; she on the other hand has a different take on it. I believe her exact words to me were, “Mom, this is too formal.” Now I ask you, what in the world does an 8 year old know about formal?

When I finished “styling” her, I had to take a deep breath in. I was amazed at how quickly she is growing and becoming a young lady. I am reminded that I should just embrace the stage she is in now and enjoy these days. All too soon, I am sure she will be trying to invade my closet, my makeup and my jewelry and when that happens I will really have to remember to breath deep.

And The Beat Goes On...

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 01:50:00 +0000

More from the reality show I live....Last weekend started off pretty nice. Long holiday weekend, the boss said I could leave 2 hours early on Friday, I had time to go grocery shopping and do a little end of the season shopping at my favorite store, Loehmann's (where I picked up a hot little dress for next year's vacation). All before picking my girls up from school. I felt so good I even allowed my 8 year old's BFF to sleepover. This was her first sleepover and it has taken me 8 years to allow that to happen. It wasn't too bad though because my 4 year old was at her BFF's house (sister of the 8 year old's BFF) - did I confuse you yet? I am glad because I am not sure I could have handled four squealing girls at one time. Brady bunch, this is not!

Now Saturday started out a little rough because those chicks were up at 7am asking to be fed! 7am -REALLY...Gone are the days of kids sleeping late after being up way too late for their age. Now if that had been a school morning ice cold water wouldn't have awakened the little zombies.  As the day progressed things got a little nicer, the parents of the BFF's offered to take ALL the kids to a family barbecue and that meant FREEDOM for me. That rarely happens so excuse me if I seem a little overly excited.

My BMF (best male friend) ~~offered~~ insisted on cleaning my poor, neglected 1999 Honda Accord who I have affectionately named, Lola. I bought Lola for cash in 2004 and in spite of my often neglectful ways, she has not given me any major problems.  My BMF cleaned my girl from top to bottom on Saturday, I mean she looked good! So good I had to take a picture of her and send it to my mom. All she could say was Wow wow wow....That ought to give you some idea of just how bad Lola looked. After she was all cleaned up, I felt like I was driving a new car again. My baby girl got in the next day, looked around and said, "I've never seen it like this." And her eyes were as big as saucers - LOL.

And so we made it to the last day of our long break when I decided there is just no way I could stay in the house all day with those children and we went window shopping. We were all over, Ross', Marshalls, Once Upon A Child and finally,Wal-mart. After all that driving, I decided to be proactive and fill my car up with gas the day before instead of the morning of and trekked on over to my local Royal Farm Store.  I finished filling Lola up and turned on the ignition. Nothing...What nothing, no turnover, no sound, nothing! OMG, what am I going to do? My heart was beating fast, but I couldn't let it show because the kiddies were in the backseat and heaven forbid they see I am upset. I certainly had no time for their drama. Thankfully my roommate was in the car with me and she and another customer pushed my precious Lola over to a parking space.

Let me just say God is good because I was within walking distance from my home and off we went. I needed to get my cardio in for the day anyway.

I am so blessed to have a great support system because my BMF was able to get my car home and have it towed to his mechanic. My single, childless roommate shuttled me and my children around for a couple of days - talk about culture shock for her. Perhaps I have never mentioned this little tidbit about myself but I am fiercely independent and it was indeed a humbling experience to be without a car for just a small amount of time.

Apparently Lola was in shock over her new found cleanliness and decided something just wasn't right. It turns out she needed a new starter. Yep you heard it, all she needed was a new starter. I think that is pretty darn good for 245,000 miles. Onward and upward....

Learning to Breathe Again

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:22:00 +0000

Raising two children alone, working full-time, and managing my entrepreneurial interests, running a household, operating as party planner and chauffeur to my children, etc. WHEW, instead of managing my life, my life has begun to manage me. Life for me over the past few years cannot be described in one word; instead a series of words are needed. Words like: frenetic, tumultuous, madhouse, chaotic and plain old nutty. I often joke that I should have a reality show, at least then I would be getting paid to live this overly animated life.

Earlier this week, I took advantage of a gift certificate for a massage given to me by a good friend. The highly skilled and intuitive therapist started at my feet and began to tell me all about the problems going on in my body. She described to a “t”, the lower back pain, neck and shoulder pain and tingling sometimes in my fingers. None of her assessments came as a shock to me because earlier in the year I saw a chiropractor for a few weeks in an effort obtain some relief from those very same issues. As relaxing as a massage is supposed to be, part of it for me was a struggle. A struggle to relax, relate and release. Ahhh…the story of my life and the resulting uptightness I mentioned in an earlier post. The therapist said to me, “You don’t breathe.” And in an instant I knew exactly what she meant.

In all of this confusion somewhere along the way I forgot how to breathe, literally.

I am now on a quest to learn to relax, relate and release. A quest to learn how to breathe again. I must first learn the actual process of breathing again, so I have begun to practice deep breathing exercises. This is a really simple exercise and can be done anywhere. Take a deep breath in thru the nose for five seconds and breathe out thru the mouth for eight seconds. I do this numerous times per day and if you see me and I look strange, please keep walking. I also need to figure out how to compartmentalize the many roles I play. Men are great at compartmentalizing; I need lessons in this. Any volunteers? Another thing I am going to do is to purchase two kitchen timers for my children; one for each of them. If I make chore time fun for them, I can grab 15 minutes here and there for myself to….you got it, breathe. And last but definitely not least I will find a way to bring exercise back into my life. Coming in second place after my time with God, exercise helps to give me balance. I have not had a consistent workout routine in several months and not only am I getting way too soft for my taste, I am out of balance and my breathing is off.

Above all, I need to remember I am not in control of any of this, God is. He has chosen me for these roles and has given me everything I need to perform them. I am not superwoman, nor am I supermom and neither you. Let’s all of us remember to breathe again.

Outta Box Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:13:00 +0000

Happy Monday, y’all! So I promised updates on all things new and boy have I been stepping out of my comfort zone! Well actually, I think God has been PULLING me out of my comfort zone. And what I say to that is be careful what you pray for – LOL.

So let’s see about two weeks ago I crashed my roommate’s girl’s night out. It was karaoke night….Yep, you heard it right KARAOKE and little Miss Introvert (me of course) not only sang Brickhouse by the Commodores to the top of my lungs, but I also was the lead singer!! So I am a little tone deaf (can you even be a little tone deaf):) My 7th grade chorus teacher wasn't as nice in his description of my singing, however I have recovered from that devastation and talked myself into it with this realization “these folks don’t know me and will probably never see me again, so why not have a little fun.” This is my new approach to life and things that scare me. I recently read this bumper sticker which said: Everyday do something that scares you. A few years ago, I would have been like humph whatever - I'm not doing this; I'm not doing that... Now I so understand that statement. Doing things that scare you make you strong and courageous.

On a deeper note, I am realizing that if I live by fear so do my children. Whenever I do something new it provides them with an example of a fearless woman. I want them to be fearless; I want them to know there is nothing is this world they cannot accomplish. This journey is not just about me; it is about me and my girls. My girls who by the way for the first time ever sang on the youth choir yesterday!

There is plenty more to come from your “Outta Box Girl”, I promise.

With heartache comes revelation

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:31:00 +0000

I need to cry. I need to grieve. I have been walking around with a lump in my throat for so long that it is barely noticeable to me anymore. When the separation process started I did not have time to grieve, I was too busy putting out fires. I had two little girls to stay strong for, I had a job to go to and a face to put on. I never once took a day off to just stay in bed and cry. I hit the ground running, strong black woman that I am. I was determined that he would not take me down, that I would persevere through it all. I proclaimed to the world, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper” and “I am more than a conqueror.” I have built a fortress around me that rivals Fort Meade, Fort Bragg and Fort Detrick combined. But now, I need to cry. I need to grieve. It’s time to breathe and break free of all that holds me back. As I now work to face the feelings, my hurts and my pains I can understand why people turn to alcohol, drugs and other vices to numb themselves. Before this trial, I had no empathy for them; I considered them weak for falling into such destruction. Now I understand because the pain is mind-numbing and life altering. Thankfully, I have an intimate relationship with God and turned to Him. However, I must question if my walls have kept Him at arms length as well. With heartache comes revelation.

So today, I press on and work to pull down the bricks of my fortress. This blog is part of it all, the masks must come off and the walls will come down. As the feelings surface I will face the pain instead of pushing through it. I am not strong, I cannot do this alone, but my Father who lives in heaven is my rock and my shield – He will bring me through.

Matthew 5:4 - NIV – “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”

A Letter to All Daddies

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 14:03:00 +0000

Do you realize you’re the first male relationship she has? Do you know the patterns that are emerging and what she is being taught in regards to how she should interact with a man. She sees that she should wait on a man and be accepting of anything that comes her way from him. I would go as far as saying these actions will be used in all of her relationships including friendships. Do you want your daughters hanging around, waiting for men and accepting any little tidbit they offer?

Girls need to know they are a priority in their father's life. They need to know what it is like to have the promises kept, to have the door opened for them, to be treated like ladies. If you as their father; the most important male in their life does not teach them, who then will?

New Girl In Town

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 03:23:00 +0000

"There's a new girl in town and she's looking good.

Gotta smile, gotta a song for the neighborhood"

Now who remembers what show those lyrics are from? You would have to have been born at least by 1972? Maybe...Sooo there has been a lot going on with me lately as I venture out of the self-imposed cocoon I have been in for the past several years. I could blame a bad marriage, but in all honesty we are the only ones responsible for the choices we make.

In my neverending quest for personal empowerment, I have made the choice to become an Avon Independent Representative. Now for those of you who know me, this is a major leap of faith on my part. One because I am really tight on a dollar (I prefer the term frugalista) and two because I am not your typical charismatic salesperson. Those two reasons are exactly why I chose Avon. The investment of $10 is minimal,there is no monthly inventory to maintain AND AVON is a product which sells itself. The products are wonderful and the prices are more than reasonable. Now don't get me wrong, this is not a push to sell my self, however if you would like to order....I'm just sayin'

I have also made the choice to start getting out of the house more and doing things that are out of character for me. As a good friend pointed out to me, I am a little (I don't think he said little) uptight and I realized he was right. Life is too short to be uptight, it is time to live. The world is living and so should I. Over the weekend, I went to a kiddie amusement park and had such a wonderful time being a kid again. While I was there, I realized how I had been living in fear about some of the smallest things. An example is the fact that I had never played laser tag and because I this I was really nervous about playing the game and worried I would look silly because I didn't know what I was doing. My 8 year old daughter talked me into and I had the best time, as a matter of fact I played twice. Who cares the team I was on lost both times, what matters is that I took a chance, did something different and made an 8 year old very happy. In turn, I also made myself happy. I am excited about this journey and I look forward to what each day holds. It has been a long time since I felt this way.

"There's a new girl in town, with a brand new style.

She was just passing through,

but if things work out she's gonna stay awhile"

Is it time for you to step out of the box and become the new girl in town?

I will keep you posted on all things new.

Random Rantings

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:22:00 +0000

I know my first post was pretty serious for the most part, but really I am a funny person with a silly sense of humor. As I sit here munching on my second LARGE trowel of Trader Joe's tortilla chips I am reminded why I don't eat them in the first place, because once I pop I just can't stop - LOL. Anywho it
doesn't help that I had a glass of vino and some PMS medicine. Not a good combination, I know. The girls are at vacation bible school and I have some free time on hands. Free time for me happens so infrequently I get a little lost when I actually do get some, smiles.

So the young neighborhood child who normally cuts my grass came around today after about 4 weeks. When I asked him where he had been, his response was "around" . Around, huh? My grass is headed toward jungle status and all you can give me is "around". I swear these children today have no drive about them, only a sense of entitlement! In any case he will soon be replaced because I will be purchasing a lawn mower and weed trimmer and taking care of my grass from here on out. Considering I have never cut grass a day in my life, we can all expect some funny sights. I will have to post pictures for you guys. I guess this all goes with the new found freedom I mentioned in my first post. Really, though freedom would be paying a professional lawn service to take care of my lawn. Well I am off to find the best price for a lawn mower and weed trimmer. Wish me luck!

Flying Solo

noreply@blogger.com (Flyingfree) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:25:00 +0000

Who am I? Let's see I am a 40 yr old african american female and YES 40 is the new 30. I say thisbecause I am more alive, aware and freer than I have ever been before. Life truly does not begin until you have some time and experience under your belt. I am currently in the middle of a divorce, learning how to make my own way in this world and determined not to let this divorce define my life. While the past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions and I have gone from being full of anger and venom to indescribably sad to just ready for the madness to end, I am a better person for it. At times I have questioned whether it would have been easier to just deal with a non-working, dream world living womanizer than to go thru the headache and hassles of divorce, the emotions you experience and the pain it causes the children, but reality is always around the corner to confirm I am exactly where I should be at this time in my life.

In the midst of this rollercoaster of emotions, I have been single-handedly raising two very active, high-maintenance little girls, ages 4 and 8. Besides the fact that girls are a handful by nature, these two beauties also have food allergies. Between them they share the following food allergies: eggs, peanuts, chicken, dairy, wheat and shellfish. I know you must be wondering, "what CAN these chicks eat?" Because that was my first question too when the allergist gave me the news. I also wanted to know how in the world could a black kid be allergic to chicken???? I mean, really....chicken?? As you can see our dining resources are pretty limited but I have become somewhat creative albeit frugal when it comes to feeding my children high quality food. And in addition to all this, I work very hard to provide my girls with a quality education and right now this means I send them to a private christian school. I don't knock anyone who doesn't send their children to private school, these are just choices I have made for my kids at this time in their life.

I will rise above and conquer the fears that have held me back for years from becoming the woman God designed me to be. I am empowered to step out on faith and take risks in order to soar and provide my children with the life they deserve.