Single Supermama

just five minutes

2008-07-23T20:55:00.001-07:00

The hardest part of my whole day today was sitting still for five whole minutes. I put it off. I made excuses. I even considered playing music in the background so it wouldn't be too quiet.

I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of, but I plan to get the bottom of it.

Today, I started by sitting still. For four and a half minutes.

mindfulness

2008-07-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

My life is flying by, leaping from week to week. I feel like I'm missing too many wonders of this life - being 32, living on earth, enjoying sunshine in the trees, watching my girls learn brand new things - because I'm so busy buying milk, and paying bills.

In fact, I got myself so stressed out last week that it culminated in a major migraine headache in the midst of our big 3 day weekend. It was easily one of the worst days of my life, given the fact that I was vomiting on the Vancouver sidewalk while not drunk. It's not exactly what I'm going for in my life.

So here is my assignment for the next few weeks, and who knows - maybe it's something that would also be helpful for other people who feel life whizzing by. I'm starting small: I'm going to spend five minutes a day just sitting. Not making lists, or cleaning, or planning, or doing anything else with any agenda whatsoever. Just quietly... sitting.

waiting for a check on

2008-07-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

Joy, waiting to be "checked on" for the thousandth time tonight. So she can tell me about how she bit her tongue. And has a scratch on her elbow. And her tummy sort of hurts. And one of the kids at camp fell on his knee today and got, like, 10 bandaids! And she's thirsty, and also still a little hungry. Plus, she can't stop thinking about this scary movie she saw 3 seconds of 2 weeks ago at grandma's house. And she can't sleep she's not even tired. And she reeeeally wants to come sleep in my bed puuuleeease? Well... then how long until the next check on?

wahoooo

2008-07-18T07:39:00.001-07:00

We're out of here, off to Vancouver Folk Fest for our big summer outing! But I leave you with this deep thought for the weekend:

cute chick

2008-07-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

If I was a guy... which I'm not... I would totally have asked for that girl's number at Fred Meyer. The one who was standing in the cleaning aisle, smelling every single box of dryer sheets to decide which one she wanted.

an israeli mother

2008-07-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

I don't actually know how to cope with being a mother sometimes - this feeling of having my heart outside of my body, and the feeling of unity with other mothers around the world. Sometimes I'm not entirely comfortable with it.

I heard this story on NPR this afternoon, and I haven't been able to shake it off. I'm having a hard time getting myself back together and moving on with my normal life. Do you ever have something strike you that way, like your regular mechanisms for emotionally protecting yourself aren't working properly?

The story was about the prisoner trade Israel made today with the Hezbollah. One of the Lebanese prisoners is a terrorist who has been imprisoned since 1979. There are people who are actually celebrating in the streets to see this man freed. Here is what the AP says he did 19 years ago:

In the dead of night on April 22, 1979, Kantar and three other gunmen made their way in a rubber dinghy from Lebanon to the sleepy Israeli coastal town of Nahariya, five miles south of the border.

There, they killed a policeman who stumbled upon them, then burst into the apartment of Danny Haran, herding him and his 4-year-old daughter out of the house at gunpoint to the beach below, where they were killed.

The attack is seared in Israel's collective consciousness because witnesses recounted that Kantar shot Danny Haran in front of his child, then killed her by smashing her skull against a rock with his rifle butt.

Haran's wife, Smadar, who had fled into a crawl space in the family apartment with her 2-year-old daughter, accidentally smothered the child with her hand while trying to stifle her cries.

ARON HELLER- Associated Press Writer - 7/16/2008 4:25:00 AM

I can't stop thinking about that mother.

walking giggling baby

2008-07-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

You will almost certainly need to vomit after seeing this video, due to my horrifying camera-work. But if you can, try to focus your energy on the giggling baby with the great big belly, who just started walking by herself yesterday.

my new therapist

2008-07-15T11:47:00.001-07:00

I finally got a new therapist, since my old one changed careers, the traitor.

We had our first appointment last week, and I really wanted to impress her. And yes, I do realize that this only proves how deep my issues run, thank you very much. ANY-way, I was trying to be cool and funny and a little bit self-deprecating, right? And she was writing things down on her clipboard, which was making me a little bit nervous. "Oh, you used to see a counselor?" "Oh, yes - I was seeing her since my divorce. I saw her on and off for over four years. I loooved her, she completely saved my life. She was so great." scribble, scribble, write, write. "Mmmhhmmm. What was her name?" "Oh! It was... oh, it was... um."

I couldn't remember my old therapists name. The one who saved my life. Which I am pretty sure made a REALLY good impression on my NEW therapist. I hope she keeps me anyway. Damn.

my mended heart

2008-07-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

After my divorce, I dated a man whom I'd been friends with since we were kids. And when I fell in love with him, I went down like a ton of bricks. I never even saw it coming.

He was living the bachelor's life. He drank beer with his buddies on Friday nights, or on Wednesday nights, or on Monday nights. He rode a motorcycle - and not a sissy motorcycle, but an old black one that matched his worn leather jacket without trying to. He had a really nice chest, and you could tell that he a really nice chest through his t-shirt. He was a jeans and country music kind of a guy. Boy he knew his music. And come to think of it, he knew his jeans, too. Or maybe it was me that knew his jeans.

In any case, he literally swept me off my feet. He danced me around my tiny, dirty, rented kitchen after Joy had fallen asleep - to At Last by Etta James. Dear God, it will still melt my heart. And maybe it always will.

I realize now that it wasn't just him that I loved then - although you can take my word on this, I loved him. But also, I loved me. And I hadn't loved me in a long time. I was coming out of a 7-year marriage where I'd married fast and young. All of a sudden I felt fun, carefree, interesting, grown-up and sexy... things I hadn't felt in ages, if ever.

But once reality hit (as it always does - for better or worse), I couldn't make it all fit together. I couldn't reconcile the responsible-mom version of me with the back-of-a-motorcycle version of me. And just as I had fallen in love hard, my heart broke the same way. I cried for hours and days and months. It didn't feel like I would ever stop crying. Eventually, I dated again - and got pregnant with my beloved Clara. And then even being a mom to my beautiful two girls didn't ease the pain, over two years later.

But time kept moving on, as it does whether we want it to or not. And today I was on a walk with little Miss Clara, and I took a turn down that corridor in my heart where the pain used to live - where I haven't peeked for many weeks now, even months. And I found that there was no pain or bitterness left there. Not even any of that lingering hope that things might work out someday for us after all. All that I found there was happiness for what we shared.

I turned my back, and my heart healed up without me even knowing it was happening.

the big accident

2008-07-12T09:12:00.001-07:00

I have a new theory I'm trying out. Well, it's not really my theory - I'm borrowing it from Rachel Sarah - the author of Single Mom Seeking. The idea is that if I am really going to try out this dating thing, maybe I should try dating single dads. They already get it, right? They have the same scheduling issues that I do, they're likely to be pretty understanding of how busy I am, they know about my love for my kids... and they probably have land mines, I mean blended families, too.

So when I picked Joy up from day-camp yesterday, there was this bumbling-cute dad picking up his daughter (I have a thing for men who are cute with a dash of goofy, after all I was wearing a fairy t-shirt with converse shoes). I tried out my I'm-fun-and-kind-but-with-a-wild-side smile. I'm very suave in this department - no doubt you've gathered as much. I was busily smiling at the dad while trying to nonchalantly check out his ring finger when Joy sidled up to me. "Mom, I pooped my pants." "Huh?", I said, with the cool-girl smile plastered to my face, still looking in the direction of the cute dad. "I have poop in my pants."

"OK." I'm pretty sure the cute dad heard our exchange, because instead of looking at me with the lust I was hoping for, he had a sympathetic expression. Or maybe he just smelled us.

Anyway, Joy and I proceeded to the concrete camp bathrooms to strip her down, throw away the underpants, clog the toilet with all the TP we used to wipe her up, and put on her swimsuit so she could sit in my car for the ride home.

Soooo... probably I won't get that guy's number. But I bet he thought I was really kind. With a wild side.

cleared ears

2008-07-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

She's fine! Clara had her surgery to get tubes in her ears yesterday (here she is, high on whatever crazy medicine they give her so that she can be wrenched away from her distraught mother's arms - obviously they should have given some to ME). And she recovered just fine. She was crabby for an afternoon, for sure. And lord knows we didn't get any sleep last night. But she's about back to her normal self now. Cute. Look at those legs. And hopefully she's finally getting some relief from her poor little ears.

And I promise this blog will be back to your normal programming, starting tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. In the meantime, go entertain yourself at last.fm.

oh yeah!

2008-07-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

I totally just remembered why I am here. It's so that I can commiserate with other humans. So that I can share my experiences as an adult, as a parent, as a woman, as a single mom, as a relationship disaster area... And so that hopefully we can all laugh a little bit about it all together.

Phew, I almost forgot there for a minute!

what was i doing again?

2008-07-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you walk into the kitchen, and you stand there - just inside the doorway - looking around? And you cannot for the life of you remember why you've gone in there? That's how I've been feeling about this blog lately.

What was I doing here again?

I was going to be helpful to other people going through similar situations? Or try to be funny? Or bitch about what's going on with my life? Or become a better writer? I can't remember. Maybe I will remember tomorrow.

on dating

2008-07-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

We were having dinner with a couple of women friends last night, and I was off-handedly talking about dating. Joy asked incredulously, "Mom, are you talking about YOU dating?" One of the women asked her why that would be weird. "Well... I already HAVE a step-mom."

i will survive

2008-07-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

In the famous words of Gloria Gaynor, and let us not forget Cake as well, I WILL SURVIVE.

I totally made it through today. I finally got ahold of the doctor and made a surgery appointment to get tubes in Clara's ears on Thursday (she's had an ear infection for almost 2 straight months, and her fever's been over 103 twice in the last 2 days, poor baby). Joy is starting to feel better (her dad and stepmom just moved to a new house and she's adjusting to a new house, bedroom, etc.). Clara's dad came over this evening to play with the girls while I made dinner and cleaned up afterwards. And I am GETTING A GRIP PEOPLE.

I promise I will be back to my usual upbeat self by Wednesday at the latest, and I will definitely think of something clever to say. In fact, I am thinking of something right now. I think it's going to have to do with that super way sexy guy in the TV show Alias - I think his name is Michael. He is so hot. You know, Sydney's CIA "handler." He could be my handler. Uh-huh.

priss (beware bad f-ing language)

2008-07-07T09:04:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I have fucking pathetic days like this one with a messy house and sick kids who are sad and having a hard time with adjustments and I can't make anything right and I wonder what is wrong with me that I couldn't make my own marriage work. Am I really such a fucking priss that I wanted all of this - a house and a car and a business and bills and kids - AND perfect love?

doing it all

2008-07-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

The name of my blog, supermama, is meant to be a joke. It's tongue-in-cheek. Because I know that it is actually completely impossible to DO IT ALL when you're a parent, and it's definitely impossible to do it all WELL.

This last week or two, my business has been even busier than usual, and I've been completely humbled in the housekeeping department. Laundry was piled up in the living room so high that you couldn't see out our front windows. Clara started eating food off the floor that was from several meals back. It was disturbing, believe me.

So I finally broke down and hired a college student to help around the house. I have to admit it wasn't an easy decision. First of all, it's hard to justify spending extra money when things are already so tight financially. And also, it's a little hard to let go of the things that are supposed to make me a "good mom" (what will the good moms say when the find out?). But I'll tell you what. My helper started last week, and it is AWESOME. So good moms, talk away.

She got me caught up on laundry, ran to the grocery store twice and cleaned the kitchen/bathroom, and I feel like a new woman. But here is the very absolutely best thing about it. As a working mom, the only time I get with my kids during the week is a window in the morning (while we're running around getting ready for the day) and a few hours in the evening before bed. And because I had help last week, those windows of time were higher quality. I was less stressed, and was able to enjoy my time with the girls more. It was great.

Chalk it up to one more lesson learned for this mom.

101 10 minute summer recipes

2008-07-03T10:08:00.001-07:00

First of all, I hate hackers. What is wrong with them, don't they have any consciences - or anything better to do with their time then to dork with perfectly nice people's web sites? I know you don't care. But I just had to get that off my chest. The bastards! OK I'm really done now.

Now on to the good part. SUMMER RECIPES! Check this out people: 101 super quickie summer recipes that take 10 minutes or less. I've printed this out and clipped it to my fridge, and it's pretty much what we've been living on these days. I am all about the EASY. Thanks to the fact that I have no extra time because of those no good lazy bastard hackers.

Image from New York Times

mama said there'd be days like this

2008-07-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

This morning we were running behind - which is hard to believe since we start our day at 5AM, but we had to get Clara to an early doctor's appointment before daycare. And these days, showering is no easy task for me because I can't contain Clara in anything anymore - she's too busy for that nonsense. So I have to just be super quick and hope for the best (I may never shave my legs again).

So first thing, I went through to close all the bedroom doors before showering, to reduce the amount of trouble she could get into. And the girls' bedroom doorknob came off into my hand - meaning I couldn't get back into their room to get Clara's clothes to get her dressed. Then as I showered, she just kept pulling back the curtain and closing her little eyes as the water ricocheted onto her face, so that she was as soaked as me after the shower.

::sigh:: Mama said there'd be days like this.

that half hour

2008-06-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am actually sort of settling into the single life these days. And not in a superficial "just say it and smile" sort of a way. I really am starting to enjoy just being our little nuclear family in a lot of ways. Now that Clara is one year old, we've established a bit of a groove. Patterns to our daily life that hadn't been there during the upheaval of babyhood survival mode. And they occasionally include (thanks to our support network of friends and family) mommy-time for showers, walks and squeezing in extra work. Life is good in the girl house!

But the time I often find myself wishing I had a partner in all of this is that half hour at the very end of the day. After it's all over - the morning rush of getting everybody up, getting ready, making lunches, drop-offs - the day of work and client management and meetings and issues - the doctor and dentist appointments - the pickups - the dinner rush - bathtime, pajamas, reading, bedtime... I wish I had someone to laugh or cry about it all, laying in bed for that last half hour. "Can you BELIEVE how badly I burned that chicken tonight?"

but what about my needs

2008-06-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

My therapist - the therapist I have been seeing on and off since my marriage dissolved over four years ago - has left her practice. She became a CPS social worker. AS IF needy children need her more than me. OK maybe they do, but still. At least she could have occasional lunches with me or something? I mean of course I would BUY, jeesh.

photo booth fun

2008-06-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

Since Joy was 3 years old, we've made it a yearly ritual to get our pictures together in the mall photo booth. This week, all three of us squeezed in there for our silliness - and the hideous food court dinner to follow it up.

first days stink

2008-06-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

Joy is painfully shy - and first days are always the hardest. Aren't they for all of us? Day camp started this week, and I thought I did an OK job of preparation. We had a new "cool" bag, a new swimsuit, a new towel. Her name was written in everything. Lunch was all ready to go, with cheetos no less. We'd discussed where camp was going to be, who would be there, what the itinerary would be like... the more she knows ahead of time, the easier the transitions are.

We got there early Monday morning and sat on a bench so we could watch the kids and counselors while we scoped out the situation. Rock climbers over there. Wild boys over there. Oh, a group of shy looking girls hula hooping over there -- we eventually decided to introduce ourselves.

Everything seemed to be going OK, but then... I picked her up too early at the end of the day. The kids were all in the woods playing a hide-and-seek game, so a rowdy counselor had to call her name on the BULLHORN. Which basically describes Joy's worst nightmare. Then this morning, we were ONE MINUTE LATE getting to camp, and all the kids were sitting on the outdoor bleachers waiting for the morning skits to start. Facing us. As we were walking toward them. Which is actually probably worse than any nightmare she had thought of before, but she was too busy getting her little 7-year-old bottom into the bleachers to tell me what she thought of my scheduling abilities.

teaching good values

2008-06-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

How do you talk to your kids about tough topics like homelessness and charity?

We often pass people in our car who are holding cardboard signs, asking for change or jobs or food. For several years now, Joy has asked about this - and I honestly am at a bit of a loss when dealing with it. I really want her to become a giving and loving and charitable person. I want her to have empathy - but also to know when to have appropriate boundaries.

When she was five, we talked about people who don't have homes, and she asked why they don't just move in with us? It's a hard question to answer... why can't they live with us? Why aren't I trying harder to help people who are less fortunate than us? It's a damn good question, and one I wish I asked myself more often. I wish I had some better answers for us both.

dating advice

2008-06-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

I got my hair cut this week, and my hairdresser offered me this dating advice which I thought I would pass on, as it might also be helpful for some other folks out there:

Wear something other than jeans and a t-shirt (which is all I ever wear)
Try a wrap dress, or something equally funky and figure-flattering
Wear sexy boots
Do. Not. Hump.

I think #4 might be specific for me - due to my impregnability track record. But it's all irrelevant anyway, as I haven't been able to successfully keep us all bathed and fed with enough regularity to date quite yet. And besides, who am I kidding. I'm never going to wear a wrap dress.