Sinistral Cerebrations

Weight Loss Update

2008-09-11T14:15:00.002-05:00

I started on Nutrisystem last week. Within 8 days, I have lost 8 pounds. Of course, the first week of weight loss is usually water weight, but lower numbers are lower numbers.

The drawback? I'm experiencing the same problem I had when I was on Nutrisystem the last time, which is havoc on my digestive system. I'll leave it at that, since descriptive words of digestive problems are rarely necessary. (The source of the problem might be related to the use of soy in the products, from what I can gather.) Given that, I'm glad I only ordered one month of food. Even though it's more expensive to purchase a one time order, I figure I can order another month later down the road if I feel I need a structured program again.

A cool new thing that Nutrisystem has added to their website is a daily food tracking section with calorie counts. It has the daily food allowances laid out in a very user friendly manner and you can adjust the quantities to match exactly what you ate. I've been meticulously tracking every ounce I ingest for the last week, and it's really made me realize how quickly calories can add up. The program allows for around 1200 calories a day. On a day when I was particularly hungry, I had extra fruit and vegetables, and quickly found that my calorie count had climbed to 1600. An extra 400 calories from green beans, applesauce, and a cheese stick (or two).

I've never been fan of counting calories, for the simple fact that it makes you crazy. Tracking every morsel of food, no matter how small, made me obsess over food all week long. Certainly it's a good reminder that the reason I'm fat is because I ate too much and moved too little. Eating pizza here, fast food there, and 3 helpings of home made casserole on a given evening made me the obese person I am today. Portion control really needs to be at the forefront of my eating goals for the rest of my life.

I'm still mad at myself that I started this blog with the intent of reaching my goal weight within a year, lost 30 pounds, gained it all back, and am starting all over again. I could kick myself.

New Shoes, New Food

2008-07-19T10:47:00.006-05:00

I bought some new shoes recently - Asics running shoes. No, I don't run. However, the walking shoes I purchased in the past have, in time, have given me pain in the area of my arch. The internet told me that, as a walker, you can purchase running shoes, which tend to have better arch support. So far they have been working great.

I have also made the decision to go on Nutrisystem for a month. The program has worked for me in the past, and I really need a jump start. I'm tired, sluggish, and all the other things that go along with me being obese. Same broken record, I know, but that's where I am. I really need a push, a definitive plan that will take 10 pounds off my frame, a hit to my wallet that will guilt me into walking, eating right, and doing exactly what I ought to be doing every day, if only for 28 days.

My food was shipped on Friday, so I expect it to arrive on Monday or Tuesday. I'm excited, it's like ordering a present for yourself. Sometimes, a little excitement is what I need to take that first step.

XM 90 No More

2008-07-19T10:27:00.002-05:00

The powers that be have now taken the online channel Fuego XM 90 off of their internet streaming. Now I can't listen to raggaeton music while I dance in the kitchen as I clean. *wipes tear* I guess I'll have to seek out other stations that stream raggaeton beats. What really bums me out is that I was starting to download the songs I really liked from Amazon as I listened - it was a nice resource. Ah well, when one resource fails on the internet, there are dozens more waiting to be discovered. Which favorite station of mine will XM radio take away next? I think the least they could do is post an explanation on their website - at least I wouldn't feel as if the rug had pulled from underneath me, having my favorite station vanish overnight. Meh.

Why Did I Buy That?

2008-06-29T11:31:00.002-05:00

On Saturday night I went out to eat, filling my face with greasy food and alcohol. I enjoyed myself, the evening was fun, and I desperately needed to get out of the house. I knew that I intended to start eating well (again) on July 1st, so indulging seemed appropriate to the moment. Of course, I seem to find many moments to indulge in the moment, but I digress.

I moved into a new place earlier in the week and I have yet to unpack my kitchen. Eating out has been the easiest thing to do in the last several days, but given that the fridge and cupboards are empty, I fully intended that my first trip to any store would be made with a list of healthy items in hand. This "new" fridge of mine? These pristine cupboards? They would only be filled with healthy fats, fruits, vegetables, lean meats, whole grains, and sensible sauces.

Where did I fail? Well, after my stint at the grill and bar, my drinking companion had the brilliant idea to buy alcohol at the liquor store. The liquor store located conveniently next to the bar. At the moment, indulging in adult libations at home sounded like a brilliant idea, so I went ahead and bought vodka... two bottles. Two, because of course, I wanted plain ole vodka and a flavored variety. Now it's Sunday morning and I have two bottles of vodka in my barren freezer. That is exactly what I didn't want. I feel a bit sick to my stomach - not from a hangover, but from guilt and another feeling I cannot quite put my finger on. Disappointment, perhaps.

Now I am faced with the daunting task of getting rid of that vodka prior to my first trip to the grocery store.

Burdens!

New Gadget

2008-06-16T21:49:00.002-05:00

I ordered a new pedometer, which came with a software program that allows me to download the basic data gathered. I've only used it one day so far, but it's certainly eye opening to see how little I move around on a daily basis. I hope to do a couple of weeks as a baseline and work my way up to the recommended 10,000 steps per day.

I'm extremely disappointed in myself that I am essentially starting all over again. I know what I have to do to lose weight, it's just a matter of doing it. Cooking the right foods, eating the right portions, and moving my body.

Long Time No Post

2008-06-08T12:45:00.004-05:00

Wow, I haven't posted for a long time. Life became crazy, filled with GIGANTIC changes, all positive, but things have been hectic nonetheless. Blogging (and weight loss) took a back seat. Unfortunately, I am back at square one.

It has been over a year since I started this blog. I went from my all time highest weight of 204 pounds, dropped 30 (!), and now I've practically gained it all back (!!!). Weighing in fully clothed the other day, I rang in at 198.

I am sufficiently embarrassed of myself, knowing that ONCE AGAIN I have failed and I have no one and nothing to blame but myself. I remain in the failed dieters category. As all other failed dieters must do, I have to try yet again.

Sam's Shopping

2008-02-16T14:46:00.004-06:00

I was shopping at Sam's Club today and was struck with how tempting it was to buy my favorite foods, in bulk, for discounted prices. Thankfully I realized that if I bought that giant bag of tortilla chips, I would be the one eventually eating the entire bag. Although the prices of the foods were appealing, seeing them in mass quantities is somewhat unappetizing. I'm not sure why a giant plastic jug of salsa is gross, while a normal sized glass jar is not. The mysteries of my brain. I successfully left the food section unscathed, although I cannot say the same for the cleaning and hygiene products. At least those items were on my list. The prices are so good, it's hard to resist buying anything I have ever used or will ever use. The good thing is that I will not need to write down toothpaste or toothbrushes on my shopping list for a very long time.

New Foods

2008-02-02T14:45:00.000-06:00

I have always been a Cheerios devotee. Conveniently, most programs I have tried consider Cheerios a "safe" cereal and the fact that I like it is a bonus. Most other healthy cereals I have tried taste like cardboard (or what I would imagine cardboard tastes like), but this week I decided to be bold and try out something new. I bought a box of Kashi Go Lean Crunch... I have to say, I love this stuff. The flavoring has a bit of sweetness to it, and as the name states, it's crunchy. You almost feel as if you're having something other than cereal and a small amount is filling.

Other new foods I tried were in the form of fruit, specifically the clementine and grapples. The clementine was a delight, so easy to peel and eat. The smell of the juice stayed on my fingers for the rest of the day, despite frequent hand washings. I was much less excited with the grapple, which smelled like a grape, tasted like a hybrid, and had a poor consistency. I'm not a fan.

Liquid Buzz Kill

2008-01-27T18:34:00.000-06:00

So much for my idea of a medically supervised liquid diet. I received a packet of information in the mail regarding Optifast, and although the medical weight loss center in question offers a comprehensive, holistic program for weight loss, they wanted a good deal of money for the program. In fact, they wanted $500.00 up front, which they said would contribute to the bills you would incur over time. Talk about bells and whistles going off. I'm fairly certain that in any other medical clinic, I receive services first and a bill second, not the other way around. That may be an option if I were feeling desperate or was facing an imminent weight related health threat, but for that kind of money, I would rather go my low tech route of reading books, blogging, and trying/failing the tried and true way. Besides, if I can get myself into a standard size 12, I would much rather spend $500.00 on a shopping spree.

I have a habit of abandoning a diet program once I've failed, even though it worked for me at the time. I think I will revert back to the You on a Diet advice. I was eating healthy good foods, incorporating exercise where I could without overdoing it, and most importantly losing weight along the way. The problems (and the weight) crept up once I ceased following the sensible advice we all know. First it was the purchase of a bottle of vodka... then the regular soda from the workplace vending machine... then fast food for lunch... and so on. I went from tiny slips to jumping off the cliff, back to square one. At least I feel like I'm peeling myself off the jagged rocks, ready to start climbing again.

With blogging and being more mindful of my body, I do realize how much better I was feeling when I was eating well. Forget about the pants... my brain, my body, my mood, my everything felt better. I mentioned this in my last post, but once again I am reminded of how much blogging has helped me to identify my own patterns, the patterns I have engaged in my entire life.

I hope spring comes early this year, I'm so sick of darkness and the cold.

Pattern Recognition

2008-01-20T14:41:00.000-06:00

Through blogging, I am starting to notice the same pattern of thoughts/behaviors, repeated over and over and over again. "I want to lose weight... I do lose weight... I stop losing weight... I backslide... I know I should be doing this, that, and the other... but I don't... but let me whine about it... now let me whine about starting a diet, again... let me do that for two months before actually starting on the new diet... wait, I have to figure out a way to stick with this for life... this sucks... I am ready to go drink some vodka and eat anything that sounds good at the moment (and no, that never includes lettuce)... my jeans are tight... I've gained weight... how did I let this happen... I want to lose weight..."

That's enough to drive anyone batty.

So what's the answer for stopping all this? Bringing the same... exact... pattern... of years... to a halt. Is it transitional? Baby steps of progress over time? Will it come in a moment of enlightenment, a perfect clarity of mind and insight that will negate all past patterns? At least I can finally see, in writing, as plain as day, that nothing has changed.

Perhaps that's a big step all by itself, but I wish I knew what to do next.

Winter Exercise Options

2008-01-20T14:24:00.000-06:00

The recent cold snap has me thinking about exercise options in the winter. I only joined a gym once, and my impression remains that they are cesspools with an admission fee. Exercising to a video in the comfort of my dwelling space is still the most convenient choice, but it would be nice to have another option for variety. I am sure I will do what I always do though... wait until Spring to strap on my walking shoes.

Winter feels longer than usual this year and I am ready for some sun, or it's artificial equivalent. That's right, gyms are cesspools, but I can tolerate tanning beds. Wonders never cease.

What Next?

2008-01-19T10:36:00.000-06:00

As I was getting ready for an evening out, I grabbed my favorite jeans, slipped them on, and... could barely zip them. My stomach hurt so much all evening from having the waistband digging into my insides. Obviously my jeans had shrunken since Thanksgiving, no other explanation was possible.

Or was it? Off to the scale I went, approaching the thing as I would a frightened small animal... "There there now scale, it's okay... smell my hand... be nice to me, I come in peace." Unfortunately talking to the scale doesn't change reality. Over the holiday season I have gained about 10 lb, I am now at 185 lb. That's what happens when you drink too much, eat too much, and forgot that you are a mortal being who cannot maintain weight while stuffing ones face.

I want to do something about the gain sooner rather than later.

I was reading a magazine article about weight loss success stories, and came across one gentleman who had lost weight with Optifast. Since I've tried every other diet in the universe, why not a liquid diet supervised by professionals? I gave my local supplier a call and they are going to send me some information in the mail. My mother went on a liquid diet once and lost a good deal of weight. As I know, with absolute certainty, any diet works as long as you stick with it.

Right now, I am at a point where I am sick and tired of trying to get back down to my goal of a "normal" weight. I still have a closet full of clothes that do not fit, because they're from my "normal BMI" stage. I wonder if a liquid diet would get me there, quickly, enabling me to start fresh and new.

On the other hand, am I just grasping for straws, succumbing to yet another program, yet another money making scheme, when what I really need is to do it myself, forever. I just don't know.

Ugh

2007-12-25T16:41:00.001-06:00

So... full...

Save Fuego XM 90

2007-12-09T15:10:00.000-06:00

Please, if anyone is a fan of XM satellite radio channel 90, Fuego, I encourage you to write to them regarding their recent decision to take Fuego off of the satellite airwaves. Citing a small audience size for their decision, no one will be able to listen to the fantastic beats of reggaeton music that once beamed from the XM satellite in the sky.

This was by far one of my favorite XM radio stations, a channel with lively, upbeat tunes that made morning commutes and road trips fun. I am saddened, disappointed, and slightly angered that I will no longer have the chance to listen to Fuego via XM satellite radio.

XM intends to carry the station online, but this does not help me while driving, which is exactly why I have XM radio in the first place.

I thought XM radio was about bringing people a variety of music that cannot be heard through AM or FM airwaves, delivering a taste of every kind of music to satisfy the diverse listening preferences that exists amongst the listening population. Therefore, I do not understand small audience size as a justification for their decision.

Regardless of the reason for taking this station off the air, Fuego was a fantastic, unique channel, one I truly looked forward to hearing each and every time I climbed into my vehicle.

Please, if you are a fan of this station, as I am, I encourage you to write to XM radio and voice your opinion. Help bring the fun beats of reggaeton music back to the XM airwaves.

Bye Bye Blogger

2007-11-18T10:32:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite bloggers deleted their blog. One day there was a post about her decision to no longer blog and the next thing I know she was gone. *poof* Everything deleted, not a trace. I was bummed out. Of course I know that blogging is a personal choice and that ultimately blogging serves only oneself, you owe your readers nothing. However, this particular blogger was such a neat person, her amazing life journey documented in a blog, her writing beautiful, her enthusiasm and spirit contagious. I cannot help but feel let down that I will no longer get to read a tidbit or two about her life and how she is doing on her journey. For those blogs who have a readership following, it is interesting how one cares for them and wishes them well. Although you only see a portion of who they are, the portion you get to see becomes important to you, in the removed sense of caring for someone whose story was featured on a television program.

*sigh*

In other news, I am no longer trying to lose weight. However, I am still maintaining my weight in the 170's and intend to keep it that way. Eventually, I would still like to reach my goal weight, but at this moment in time I have no desire to put in the effort and work it takes to actively lose weight. I still think about getting back on the track and I have to be careful not to over-indulge on foods. I know that the weight can come back on quickly if I am not careful to watch what I eat and continue to weigh myself regularly.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I cannot wait to have some home cooking and see my family.

No Four Letter Words Today

2007-10-27T08:36:00.000-05:00

I have nothing to say about my diet, er lifestyle change, today.

3BT:

1. Being alone. Sometimes, after a hectic week, when my nerves are frazzled and I need to escape from work, being alone is simply splendid. Nothing but silence and quiet.

2. Kind words and acknowledgment. I had an unexpected compliment paid to me today at work. I have a job that should really be the job of two people, and apparently I am not the only person who knows this. I was given kudos for the work I do and was informed that everyone does indeed notice. It always surprises me when people notice things about me that I don't think anyone knows. This also reaffirms the fact that I really am in my own little world in my head on most days.

3. Hot water.

Finnegan Begin Again

2007-10-22T21:58:00.000-05:00

I need to restart and begin again. I need to re-read my diet books and get back on track. After losing 30 pounds, I felt much better in my skin and the shape of my body resembled the body I know. Now that I have gained a few pounds back, nothing much has changed, but the way I feel on a daily basis has shifted. I have not gained back all my weight, but if I continue to include vodka and regular soda in my diet, those pounds will inevitably come back.

Mentally, physically, I feel better eating from the earth. Did I just type that? Why yes I did. It sounds like such a nature loving hippy dippy statement, but eating those fresh, non-processed foods made me feel better. Maybe that is the realization that I need to change my lifestyle for the long haul. Now that I am at the point where the primary motivator of vanity has ceased to exist, my motivation must lie in something more fundamental to life, yet I have struggled to find that. Now the fog is starting to clear. I am starting to realize the very direct relationship that exists between what I ingest and how I feel.

I have always downplayed the positive results eating well has had on my mood and overall well being. Perhaps I need to emphasize those positive aspects, really pay attention to the different changes I feel after a burrito in comparison to grilled chicken, steamed veggies, and a small amount of whole wheat pasta.

I have the feeling that other people come to this realization much more quickly, but really, this is the first time I am absorbing the impact of this point. We are what we eat. When I feed myself rubbish, I feel it. When I feed myself healthy food, I feel it. I get to choose how I will feel by what I feed myself. That is such a simple point, but in this very moment it feels profound to me.

Get Busy Living

2007-10-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

My energy level is still in the crapper. I am beginning to think I should go get checked out by a doctor. No one should be tired all the time, for two months straight. I think that's what they call a medical problem. I have always felt that if you wait long enough, just about everything gets better with time, including problems with the body. Plus, only wimps go into the doctor complaining they are tired, right? I mean, come on, there are people with real medical problems in the world. Who am I to waltz in whining about fatigue. There is that magic word again, fatigue. I certainly felt better when I was eating fresh foods and cooking, which I have not been doing lately. I can probably cure myself by getting back on track with my eating and dieting (errrr, lifestyle change).

Perhaps as time goes on my body is not as resilient. Perhaps the time has come that my body demands I eat well and live well. I don't know.

3BT:

1. I did something the other day that I have been wanting to do for a long time. I feared doing it, a little, but now that I have done it I feel I can do it again and again. I look forward to it, in fact. I love that, facing something that makes you nervous or fearful, only to find that the sky did not fall and everything is okay. More than okay, in fact.

2. In the same vein of doing something new is the idea of adventure. I am not adventurous, at all, but journeying out and doing something new felt good. Adventure is exciting.

3. I have a body wash that I just love, I never get sick of it. The smell is so wonderful and makes me feel clean and fresh. I even find myself smelling my own forearm hours after a shower.

Oh Woe Is Me

2007-10-16T17:22:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of an epiphany today after reading a post by one of my favorite bloggers. My enlightenment is not related to the topic of the post, but the post made me think, leading to tangents, leading to the current topic. You know how that happens, right?

My realization was that part of me likes to feel sorry for myself.

How can this be? Who in their right mind (hehehe) likes to feel sorry for themselves? I think I get something out of overextending myself as other people never would, only to complain internally about it all day long. I get something out of sacrificing my time and energy. Today, at work, I actually became mad because the people in office next door were laughing and conversing, while I slaved away on actual work. I was sitting all by myself, seething that they were not working, while I was... and by golly if you have enough time to sit on your ass while conversing and laughing about non-work related topics, then you have enough time to help me with some actual work. Now you can bet that if I were in the laughing and having fun group, I would not be complaining. I'm such a hypocrite!

I get something out of being the perfect work-horse, the one who will never say no and who will go above and beyond the call of duty, in every facet of my life. Now, being a thorough, hard worker is not a bad trait. However, the emotions of anger and resentment I sometimes feel are not healthy for anyone.

So, what is my reward for feeling sorry for myself? I don't really know, I have not thought that far. I do think, though, that I would benefit if I can learn to relax, let go, and be more easy going (more often, that is).

3BT:

1. Random unexpected laughter. One of those laughs that lasts much longer that it should.

2. Waking up to a good song on the radio.

3. Realizing something new about yourself, even when it isn't pretty.

Hungry Hungry Hippo

2007-10-13T09:50:00.000-05:00

Oh why oh why do I go grocery shopping when I am hungry? After I unloaded my groceries and ate, I took another look at the various items newly stocked in my freezer, refrigerator, and pantry... and all I could think was, "Why did I buy all that?" None of it looked good. I had wandered around the store grabbing random food items that appealed to me in the moment. I am not certain I even bought a complete meal, just random items.

The lesson?I should never go grocery shopping when I am hungry and listless. Listless, as in, without a shopping list. Although I was probably listless in the other sense, too.

3BT:

1. I get to actually complain about a grocery shopping experience where I wandered through the store buying whatever appealed to me. Not everyone is that fortunate.

2. Sleeping in. I was able to sleep in today for the first time in weeks. It was wonderful. I woke up from the strangest dream, too strange to describe. One of those dreams that stays with you for hours after awakening, as you go over the details, wondering how in the world your brain came up with that one.

3. I came across a song in a movie that will not leave me head. Love at first... sound?

Life Happens

2007-10-10T22:08:00.000-05:00

The most difficult part of trying to lose weight is life. Life happens. Laptops die, work becomes busy, unexpected events occur. That is life.

I know I have not won the battle of mind, because when life happens I revert back to old habits. Eating and food remain as my default coping mechanisms. Usually this is where I give up, I neglect the scale, I eat poorly, then a few months later I wonder why my pants no longer fit... again.

However, I really am determined to make this time different. I have said this before, but if I have to repeat myself like a broken record, so be it. Something in my head needs to shift. I have not figured out what to change or how to go about making that change.

I have proven to myself that I can lose weight through healthy eating and minimal changes in activity level. Behaving the correct way wins every time regardless of whether I am daydreaming of walking in beautiful fall weather or dreaming about eating a pizza. I need to get back to those behaviors. The whole shift in mindset will take a great deal of time, I fear. Or perhaps one day it will just click. Though maybe, in the end, it will never happen. No matter the case, I need to learn to keep chugging along, because life will always happen.

I weighed myself a couple of days ago and the scale read 176 lb. Not too bad, but obviously the numbers are going in the wrong direction. This is beyond a plateau, this is me not trying. Back on the horse, I guess.

3BT:

1. Reuniting with my laptop.

2. Brisk fresh air and fall leaves.

3. Fun with family, generous parents, and sleeping in my own bed after traveling.

Food I Love, Music, Gumby Limbs,

2007-09-20T23:54:00.000-05:00

One day I would like to build a house. Some girls dream of their weddings, I fantasize about my dream home. My dream home is not big or lavish, but it does have a mirrored room, complete with a smooth dance floor, sound system, and plenty of lighting options. Before you ask, the answer is no, this room does not have a pole. It is, however, my dance room, where I could close the door and dance to my hearts content, all alone, having fun moving my body to the music in any way I please. I love dancing. Dancing never feels like exercise, which of course would make it the perfect thing for me to move my body. A room built just for that would make it extra fun.

I once knew a lady who said she lost 15 pounds by putting on her favorite Cher CD every day and dancing to it from beginning to end. I am not sure I could handle Cher every day, but the concept of daily dancing sounds like something I would love to do for exercise.

I would love to do it now, in fact, but living above someone in an apartment complex makes that a bit of a social no-no. I can see it now, my neighbor complaining to management about the elephant that thuds around for an hour every day.

3BT:

1. Chips and salsa. I love chips and salsa! I had some today, it was yummy.

2. How I love music. When I hear a new song I love and will play it 20 times over. Music can match my mood, lift my mood, make me cry, make me calm, make me grin, or even make me involuntarily move my body. I wonder what people think when I am involuntarily moving while driving.

3. Speaking of dancing. I read a news article about this dance craze called tecktonik (amongst other various spellings). It looks something like this, this, this, or this. Screw Zumba! I am going to make a tecktonik workout video, see how those Latin hip shakers manage following along with that.

Um... Uh... Well...

2007-09-18T20:15:00.000-05:00

I sat down to type a 3BT post and nothing came to mind. What a terrible wretch I am!

Let me put on my thinking cap and try a little harder.

Okay.

(5 minutes of blank staring later)

3BT:

1. Today a co-worker made a big, unintentional mistake. The mistake was hilarious. Full belly laughs with mouth covering ensued after hearing the punchline of the set up to her story. Laughing is always a good thing.

2. I had doors opened for me and cars stopped to let me pass streets, crosswalks, and parking lots all day long. I love that. Humans being courteous and kind to other humans.

3. Men with babies and/or dogs. Why does seeing a man alone with a dog (usually a Labrador) or a baby make my heart do that awwww gooey goopy thing? Something to do with evolution I am sure. Regardless, I saw two men with babies and one guy with his dog today, and each time the voice in my head went awwww and the corners of my mouth involuntarily turned up. So cute!

4. I sometimes forget the lessons I have learned in my life. Very good, important lessons that made me a better person and/or changed me. Sometimes a small occurrence or encounter can bring those lessons back to mind, as if the universe is tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention. I had one of those experiences today.

Okay, I guess I can come up with 3 (or more). That was not so bad. I feel better, too. So yeah, neener-nanner.

As for food today, I made poor choices. I need to reboot on the health front.

The Little Kicks

2007-09-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

I caught a glimpse of myself doing my Zumba workout in the mirror today. What did it look like? Well, imagine Humpty Dumpty dancing the salsa before he fell off that wall.

Hilarious.

Similarly, that Seinfeld episode where is Elaine dancing her heart away, only to see herself on video and be horrified - that is me and Latin dancing. I love getting my groove on and I have fun doing it, but thank goodness I saw myself before I decided to cut a rug in the real world amongst those born dancing Latin rhythms.

Now, I have been told I can move my body well enough, but that is usually when I am dancing by myself to some hip-hop or dance club music. Apparently my body rhythm does not transfer over to those hot Latin beats. I do not dwell on what I am inherently not. For example, I will never be a fantastic musician or a physicist, but those things I can accept. However, I do think at times that I wish I were Latin, if only for the dancing and the men.

Zumba is fun, though. I might be better off putting on some fun music and making up my own dances and aerobic moves, as opposed to trying to follow along with my video. At times I stop, my mouth agape, thinking, "How do they do that with their hips? And why do they insist on moving so fast?"

One time, after one too many plays of a Kathy Smith aerobic video on the VCR, I muted her and put on my own music, still following along with the video. It made doing the video fun again. The only other option was to throw it out the window. I cannot recall what music she used, but it was simply dreadful.

The lesson for me? It does not matter what I do, how I do it, or whether I am following the rules. As long as I am moving my body and having fun, I am more likely to do more of the same in the future. Flailing Humpty Dumtiness and all.

Birds, Babies, Breathing

2007-09-15T12:34:00.000-05:00

3BT:

1. When I moved into my current apartment, tenants had already taken up residency on the premise. These squatters would shriek and squawk at me every time I stepped on their territory. I was forced to leave them alone. Upon signing my lease, I pointed out the residents, and the next time I came back their home had been removed and the massive amounts of fecal waste they left behind had been cleaned. I felt bad for these squatters, but my selfish human side thought "Good riddance!"

That was not the end, though, oh no! They were distressed. My little lovebirds flew aimlessly, back and forth to where their home used to be, thrashing, shrieking, grieving, thinking "WTF just happened?" There was nothing I could do at that point, they would have to build a new home regardless. Move along little creatures, go crap all over another deck.

Then the rain came. The rain only lasted a day and a half. I did not think to step foot on the deck, because, well, it was raining! I peaked out my window, to look at the cold rainy day, and I saw one of my lovebirds with a stick in its mouth. I immediately looked up to the corner where their nest had been, and be damned if there wasn't a nest, nearly complete, being held together with fresh mud, sticks, and other detritus.

All I could think about was how lovely it all was. My little resilient lovebirds, working hard, cooperating together, rebuilding their home piece by piece in the middle of a rainstorm. How cute is that? From that point on, my lovebirds were just that, my lovebirds, who could reside on my deck until wintertime.

That is, until I saw the massive amounts of bird shit I would be cleaning up one day. Lovebirds or not, they were making a mess. My family was visiting and I thought I could get my father to knock the nest down and put a screen over the deck, or some such thing. But before operation Bird Riddance could commence, I had to make sure there were no eggs in the nest. Out to the deck I went, amidst the protective shrieking and wing flapping. I took a mirror and peaked above into the nest. What did my eyes behold? Three baby bird eggs.

Stupid heart of mine did another flip flop and I resigned myself to cleaning up after them once winter finally arrives. They were my lovebirds and they were expecting!

The beautiful thing? Those eggs have hatched. At this very moment, up in the nest they sit, all huddled together on a cold day, the lovebirds and their offspring. They cuddle and retrieve food for one another, living and loving, growing and surviving, being a family. The cycle of life. I am so glad for my resilient hard working little lovebirds. They truly are a beautiful thing in life.

2. Since I am on the topic...

I saw a baby yesterday. Precious, smooth skinned, flawless, sleeping, cute as can be, lovely little baby. Words cannot describe.

3. Today is a wonderful Fall day, perfectly cool and calm, not a cloud in the sky. My windows are open, my apartment smells of fresh air, and I am breathing it all in.