Sisterhood of Secrets

He Hits Me

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 05:02:00 +0000

I have a secret.

I have a wonderfully handsome husband.

We have two beautiful children together.

But, life is not what it seems.

My husband is mean to me.
And by mean I don't mean he beats me everyday.

One minute he can be the sweetest, most charming man you have ever met.

But, in an instant he can be a monster.

He calls me names in front of our children. He's pushed me in front of them. He has locked me out of the house when we were arguing. He has even grabbed me around the neck and slammed me into a wall.

And for some reason I feel sorry for him. When he gets in this mode, the whole look on his face changes. His tone of voice even changes.

The scary part is, he is now acting like this with our son. He is only 21 months. He has never hurt him but I sometimes wonder if it will change. He gets angry with him over the silliest things.

I honestly don't think he can help it. He changes into a completely different person. I don't know if there is any way to help him or not.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like if I leave, I will scar our two small children.

I do not believe in divorce and I think the problem in our country with divorce is people give up too easily.

Everyone around us thinks he is perfect. All of my friends think I am so lucky that he takes care of me and I get to stay home with our children. He helps all of my friends and family out when they need it. And he defends me to others, even when he knows I am wrong.

I love him very much. I'm just not sure what to do. Every time he does this he apologizes over and over, buys me nice things, and swears he will see a therapist.

He never does.

What do I do????

I Heard My Husband Call Me Fat

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 04:57:00 +0000

I overheard my husband call me fat and say I don't exercise enough.

I didn't just have a baby, but spent the last 5 years working on my doctorate. Three days after defending my dissertation I took a job as a clinic director for a clinic in China. Now I am trying to repatriate to the wonderful USA and I tore my ACL in my knee and need surgery.

I weigh 132lbs and am 5'4.

I NEVER had body image issues before

but just can't shake his comment.

More than the fat comment it was that he said something hurtful about me to someone outside our marriage. Now it just keeps snowballing and I wonder what if I ACTUALLY get fat or what's he going to say when I am pregnant.

I also need to share that he is the most loving and caring man I have ever met. That's why it hurts so much. Now I just feel that all his kindness has been insincere. He has apologized profusely but I just can't shake the fact that he actually THOUGHT that.

Please help.

I Once Needed Him, I Don't Know If I Do Anymore {but now we're married}

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 02:52:00 +0000

Twelve years ago I was living with my long-time boyfriend in a city far from home. My youngest sister died the year before on her way to visit me after her high school graduation.

She and a friend were killed in a car accident 5 hours into their trip.

This boyfriend I had was not always nice to me.

He drank.

He did drugs.

I was a small part of his life

and he was the biggest part of mine.

I was consumed by him and if he tried to leave me,

which he did many times,

I was a wreck.

He always came back to me because he felt bad for destroying me.

We got an apartment together, but I felt him slipping away.

I felt his life going the wrong direction.

He was headed for disaster, and I was going to be left behind.

So, I started flushing my birth control pills down the toilet.

I got pregnant.

I left him to go back home because I knew I had a link to him forever.

We got married.

I regret where I am and how I got here.

I don't regret the kids we have together.

He is now a good man.

He stays home, he works, he is mostly nice to me.

He loves me.

I don't know if I love him.

My Husband Cheated on Me For Four Years

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 02:46:00 +0000

My husband and I have been "happily" married for 15 years.

We have lots of fun together, and I love him more than anything.

We have been blessed with four "little souls", and they bring adventure and humor to our lives.

My secret is that my husband cheated on me with hookers for four years of our marriage.

I just found out this past September 2010. It's been ridiculously hard to try to forgive and forget. I know I have to for my children, and as crazy as it sounds, I still love this man that I married. We signed up for Eternity together, and I know that I have to follow through. My secret is compounded though, because I have been struggling with bulimia since his secret life came to light. I have been told by my counselor that he has an addiction, and that it has nothing to do with me, but it's hard for me to believe. I start eating sweets when I feel "down" about my husbands past, and I can't stop eating. Then I'm racked with guilt, and fear that a chunky wife WOULD be a reason to go looking elsewhere.

I throw it all up.

I don't want to live like this forever,

but I don't know how to stop.

I'm Too Young to Be Sick

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Fri, 27 May 2011 23:36:00 +0000

My name is Alyssie and I'm 14.

I have a disease called tachycardia.

It scares me.

14 is too young for hospital visits and everything else associated with it.

The worst thing is my friends don't know.

If I have an attack, they won't know how to help.
Neither does my boyfriend.

I want to tell but I dont know how.

I keep spending ages away and can't tell them why.

I just want to be normal

Is that so wrong???

Dear Blog Creator...

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Fri, 27 May 2011 22:53:00 +0000

With permission, I am posting two emails I received from a dear reader.
These letters are the reason S.O.S. exists.
You are NOT alone, ever.
_____________________________________________________________

Letter #1:

Dear Ashley,

I stumbled across an email from you because I subscribe to your sweet craft blog, Little Miss Momma.... Basically, I read a post from LMM about 10 minutes ago that you claimed to have provided a blog that was a safe and anonymous place for women to visit and read and tell secrets without fearing judgment. That the idea was to confess your dark thoughts and feelings to an audience that won't try to turn it into a therapy session or religious panel (that is what I understood the blog to be).

This intrigued me quite a bit as I JUST got online after a week's hiatus from the internet due to such crippling extreme depression, inadequacy, and anxiety, and after planning out a quick and efficient suicide I have not put into action yet, hoping to visit a doctor to provide me some - ANY - meds that will take these thoughts away, even if it means I turn into a zombie.

I do not take anything and eat healthy and yet I suffer so much... I do not want to be here, alive, anymore as I do not really 'fit in' anywhere in anyone's life, especially not my husband's, but I have 3 children that will be scarred if I actually go through with my plan. I would be happy to be a zombie, I just want the sadness to go away for good as I am more of a burden than anything else, and always have been.

So, I decided to click on the link to the blog, eager to see exactly how 'anonymous' and 'secretive' this blog claims to be.
And as I read the first few entries, BEHOLD... I my heart and chest felt such a huge release, so much more than I can express to anyone in words.
It was an overwhelming and physiological response I had.

I've landed right where I needed to be right now, as I am surrounded by people that are so guarded and afraid of their own true feelings and thoughts, that I could never express my darkness without being judged and possibly shunned.

I just wanted to say THANK YOU.
I will be pouring out more of specific 'darknesses' and revealing my secret soon after I have a good cry over finding such an incredibly honest blog.
I needed this, to explore and have candid insight into other people's worlds.

Finally, I do not feel alone anymore...

Sincerely,
R
_________________________________________

Letter #2 from R:

Ashley,

I want you to know that because you breathed life into and allowed such a blog to live as it does now, YOU have provided me with some Hope.

And I don't ever feel the type of hope that people speak of when they suspect you're 'down.'

You know, when people say 'it will pass' or 'give things time' or 'we all go through this sometimes'....The thing is, I know that many people do NOT go through such feelings like this. This would be a completely non-functioning world if that were true!

So, I don't say anything, for fear of judgment and losing many friends and acquaintances, and I just shift back into automatic, until I secretly crash again.

However, this amazingly candid blog filled me with a feeling of reassurance and comfort that I have not felt since, well I cannot remember when...

All these women living in their own personal hells - how wonderful! Not that I want these situations for anyone of these women! NO!!!! But that many of us really DO greatly suffer secretly, and that I actually am NOT alone in my suffering! What a concept. People say they struggle all the time, but no one ever shares or reveals anything as dark as I feel.

And then I found this blog yesterday.
As I read, I felt a relief I cannot even describe to you.
And if their suffering could unwittingly help me in such the way it is, then perhaps my existence does matter in a way that I cannot yet see... but have started to feel. That is huge for me. Monumental.
I've cried tears of relief and of compassion for you and all those women - and I even smiled, snuggled, and laughed with my kids yesterday. WOW. The joy.

Does my existence matter? I don't really know, and I will always question my purpose from the time I wake up to the last minutes before sleep. But because you and those women can open up and reveal yourselves in such a way I've never seen done before, I think I can too, and this could be a turning point in my life...

I don't know, but I'm willing to explore the idea that I do matter, even in a small way.

Yesterday I decided to research some therapists - maybe I can do this thing called life, I don't know.. I struggle with feeling even worthy of professional help, but I will give it a try. For my children. All just because you and all those women shared such a dark corners in your lives.

So please feel free to share my email with your readers, its the least I can do, and I'd be unbelievably honored. Maybe it really could help someone else the way you and everyone else has helped me. Here's to 'Hoping', right?

Sorry this is such a long email, I just wanted you to know the abundant help you've given me. I feel like I have an outlet now to remind myself that I am NOT alone.
Thank you so very much for this.

Your friend in all sincerity,
R

I Am Addicted to His Life

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 25 May 2011 05:33:00 +0000

My secret is that I check all of his online accounts....and I am addicted to it.

I know all of his passwords and even when he changes them I know the ones he choses from so they aren't hard to figure out again. He has several online accounts for dating and sleeping with random women and I check them incessantly throughout the day even when I am supposed to be working and during church. We were together for a little while and then decided we needed time apart and now he is on these sites everday all day and night long. The women that he choses to talk to floors me everytime. The only requirement for him I think is that they are women. Most of these women he invites over after chatting with them a few times and sleeps with them. As sick as it makes me, I can't stop wanting to know what he is doing and who these women are.

I also check his facebook, his email and his foursquare to see where he's been. Today I found a new feature on his email that links his blackberry calendar to it so I got a ton more info that I had been able to get before, like who he's had lunch or coffee with and how he had lunch with an old girlfriend that he asked to marry him a couple of years ago. Major sad face after that "find". :(

It's like a giant puzzle and I have all of these places to find the pieces and put them together and somehow because of that I think I am able to separate myself from the actual situation which is that my heart is completely broken. I hate the way I feel and at the same time all I want is to be with him.

I haven't confronted him with the information that I have because I am afraid that no matter how wrong he is I am just as such or more so for checking his stuff and really we aren't even together so it shouldn't matter. The problem is he really is my best friend and what he is doing is wrong to himself so I feel like I should say something and it's killing me because I know he would never talk to me again.

I lie to myself and everyone else that I am ok. But this really isn't ok is it?

I am addicted to him and to watching his life the only way I can right now through checking these accounts and as much as it kills me, I can't stop.

I feel guilty for something I didn't do

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 25 May 2011 05:20:00 +0000

I am depressed.

I feel guilt for something I didn’t do.

Almost 2 years ago my husband committed suicide.

We were separated.

His family blames me for leaving him when he needed me most.

Even when I told them the truth about why I left him.

He tried to kill himself in front of our 2 year old daughter and myself.

I thought I made the right choice in leaving.

6 months later I was told he had killed himself.

I know it was his choice to take his life to a big part of me feels if I would have been there it never would have happened. I hated how every one told me it would be ok and they knew how I felt and they were there for me. All anyone I tried to talk to about it just wanted details on how my husband had died. I pushed everyone away. I found a great guy who listened who became my best friend. We have been together for a year and a half. Sometimes I wonder if I moved on too soon. Half of me is still in love with my dead husband. My boyfriend knows this and is supportive. I just found out a month ago my daughter was molested by her much older half brother. I am so angry and blame my husband for leaving us all here to deal with the mess he left behind. I blame him for all the feelings I have lately. My boyfriend doesn’t know how depressed I am. I feel like I cant talk to him about this because he just tells me I am strong and we will work through it all. It is not what I want to hear.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I Know My Husband's Secret

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 25 May 2011 05:17:00 +0000

My husband wants to be a woman.

He feels he was given the wrong body.

So, what has been his lifelong secret, is now our secret.

Sometimes it crushes me.

And I fight it, yelling at my husband and making him feel bad.

My husband is a good person. He is an amazing father. He is kind and patient. He leads our family spiritually and tries to live his life the way he feels God would have him live. He doesn't use this desire to do anything morally wrong. And he loves me, continually reassuring me that he finds me attractive. I love him and I don't want to leave him.

But I am also confused. I don't know how this fits in with what I believe spiritually. I am attracted to my husband as a man. I want him to be true to himself, but I don't want to have to change who I am either.

I am not looking to this blog for answers. I don't know if there is a good one for us yet, besides continuing to love each other and trying to choose the right. We have made sacred promises with one another, so divorce is not an option.

I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

I Fake My Love for His Daughter

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 25 May 2011 05:16:00 +0000

I am marrying a wonderful man- the love of my life-but I wish every day that he didn't have a 9 year old daughter who will become my stepdaughter. He is a wonderful father. An exceptional one, in fact-- a father like I have never seen! He drives an hour each day to pick her up/drop her off, puts up with insanity and unfair limitations from his ex, all because he wants everything to be as smooth as possible for his daughter. He listens, teaches, encourages, and motivates. He is amazing.

However.

Every time I look at his daughter, all I see is a mix of the man I love and a woman I hate (his ex). I see my life chained to this ex and the stress she causes us forever after because of this little girl. I think selfish and angry thoughts. I wish the only children my future husband loves in his life would be ones he and I created together. I am angry that our bank accounts drain due to legal support needed because the ex can't seem to keep up her end of any court ordered bargain. I am angry that even though we pay for everything for the child (insurance, food, all clothing, school supplies, braces-) that we pay $1200 a month to another woman so she and her boyfriend can take monthly vacations and purchase frivolous items. I am angry that our wedding budget is drained while my fiance's ex is headed to the Caribbean on our dime. I am angry that my future children may go without anything they want or need because this little girl sops up so much of our resources. I am angry at the unfairness of it all.

My fiance wants me to love his daughter like she were my own child. I guess I don't know yet what loving a child feels like, but I do know that for my entire life I have wanted a houseful of them and I dream about it every single day. I know in my heart I will never even come close to feeling for his daughter what I will feel for my own children. I worry that my fiance will never love our children the way he loves his daughter now, and that scares me. I count down the days to the time when our house will be full of our family only, children who have me for their mother and him for their father, after she is grown and gone to college.

Every single day I fake my love for her. I put on a happy face and I pretend to enjoy our time with her. My secret- I don't. Not only do I not enjoy it, but much of my time is consumed by fantasizing about what my life would be like without her in it.

I feel like a monster.... but I have also realized my feelings for her are not going to turn into love over time. I have waited 3 years now for that to happen and it hasn't changed in the slightest.

There it is- my secret is out!

I'm a Mess

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 23:56:00 +0000

My secret is, I am a trainwreck.

I am currently studying, but I have no willpower or determination, I fear that I am failing.

I have no job, no career, no boyfriend.

My family has no idea who I really am.

I am lazy, rude, I smoke & I drink.

I feel like I am feeling.

And worst of all, I have recently felt like ending it all. On more than one occasion.

I just needed to let it all out.

ANONYMOUS.

I Don't Live With My Husband

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 22:27:00 +0000

June's Secret:

I don’t live with my husband.
I know... weird. Right?

Well not really.....
You see, this works for us right now.

We've struggled for 25 years trying to make us work as a couple.
We are best friends.
We hang out well together,
Travel well together,
Like the same television shows,
We both love the beach,
We both love to travel,
He thinks I'm hot and I think he's hot.
We both love to shop,
We like to cook together,
Love the same food,
We ride bikes,
Love comedy,
Love old people,
Like the same movies,
Struggle to stay on a diet
And force ourselves to work out.

He gets me Starbucks every morning.
He'll get a pedicure with me whenever I want.
He dresses up when we go out.
He supports my weekly visits to my daughter and grandson and even encourages me to go.
He'll go with me toTarget at the drop of a hat.
He keeps my dog at his apartment cuz I can't have pets.
He calls me three or four times a day to make sure I'm OK and tell me
he loves me.
He makes me feel safe.

But... We don't have sex.

We both want to.
We really do love each other.
We used to have lots and lots of sex when we were dating in our twenties. We dated for 4 years and broke up because he was not ready to make a commitment of marriage.  We were apart for 10 years. I got married to someone else and after that divorce he and I got back together.
We did not have sex.
I thought it was because we were not married.
So, we got married.
Years later, we have not been able to get our sex life together yet.
Because of this we have split up three times in our marriage,
only to get back together.

We still have not been able to have even one successful love making session.

Are we putting too much focus on a healthy sex life?
Am I the only one that is dealing with this?

We love each other.
We both want to have a successful sex life with each other.
We both want to be able to be intimate with each other and spend the rest of our lives together and happy.

We are both in therapy for 3 months now.
It's taking so long.
We are not making progress with the sex issue
but we are making great progress with other issues.

We are both 50 years old.
We want to live together again but we both know it will fail unless we can get this figured out.

To complicate matters I may need to move out of the area for financial reasons as I recently lost my job. He has been helping me financially to stay living here.

Life would be so much easier if we moved in together.
Right?
-June

I Can't Forget What He Did Two Years Ago

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 18:50:00 +0000

Kali's Secret:

I can't forgive my husband.
Two years ago my husband and I got in an argument.
A big one.
He wasn't listening to me.
No matter what I said, or how I pleaded with him to understand,
he wouldn't listen.

I got so hurt and upset that I threw down the book I was holding.
He accused me of "losing it" and tried to take our infant daughter
out of my arms.

I wouldn't let him so he hit me.
I turned around to leave the room and he kicked me.

I couldn't believe it at first.
My husband, the one who's supposed to love,
care for and protect me, just physically injured me.
In a way I was used to it since my dad hit me often while I was growing up. But I never expected to get it from my husband.

That was over two years ago now, and he hasn't done it since.
But I can't forget.

The few people I have talked to about it seem to think it's no big deal.
A one time occurrence.
Just go to counseling and get over it.
But I can't.
It hurts too much.
I can't trust him.
I can't trust my husband.
-Kali

I'm Trying to Love Him

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 18:44:00 +0000

Liza's Secret:

I have never told anyone this before.
In fact the only time I have said it out loud is to my self in my car.

I don't love my husband anymore. We are so different.
The love has faded and the passion is completely absent.
He is a great man. But we don't work together anymore.

Guess what? Our baby is only nine months old.
What the hell happened?

I going crazy. I am trying to love him.
But should I have to try?

The last romantic thing he did was in the first year of us dating...

We use to love each other so much.

Valentine's Day was horrible. Can you say lack of planning?
Nothing romantic. No candles. No passion. No presents.
I know I shouldn't expect that but really nothing for a surprise.
But atleast be romantic. Nothing.
In fact I had to ask him if we were going to do anything for Valentines Day anything?
He said oh sorry I forgot. I guess I will buy you a massage.
OK. Nothing else. Nothing.

REALLY????

I am going insane. I am a stay at home mom going through school.
The school that he is paying for.
I hate being with him.
-liza

I Don't Want Children

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 05:14:00 +0000

Halle's Secret:

Last spring I had a specific desire and urge to become a mother.

My husband and I didn't have insurance yet and we were newly married.

All spring, summer and early fall I kept asking and hinting that

I was ready to be pregnant.

He wasn't.

Then October came.

My work puts on a fall festival for children.

We have hundreds of kids come through everyday.

By the end of the month I was done with children!

I didn't want any screaming, crying, snotty nosed kids.

The following week at church I almost walked out because

I couldn't tolerate anymore screaming kids.

We also brought another puppy into our home.

We have two dogs now.

They are all the children I want now.

I'm content with our lives now.

I'm enjoying the time with my husband

and my two four legged children.

My sweet husband brought up children shortly after October,

letting me know we could start trying for a baby.

I felt like a deer in headlights.

After begging all last year to become a mother,

now I'm scared.

I know that someday I will be a mother

and I want to be mother.

But I honestly can't even imagine it right now.

I don't want to talk about it.

I have friends and family who ask us when we'll start a family.

I want to travel and enjoy life before I get tied down to children.

I don't want children right now,

don't even want to talk about having children.

-Halle

My Husband Isn't The Man I Married

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 05:51:00 +0000

Stella's Secret:

My husband is not the man I married 9 years ago....

Over the last few years,

my husband has changed.

He used to be fun, happy, outgoing and sweet.

Now he's inpatient, rude, and insensitive.

It pains me so much to see how

his work has destroyed our family and marriage.

He is gone 12 hour days and comes home in a bad mood all.the.time.

I am pregnant with #3

and I worry what the future will hold for our little family.

I miss the wonderful man I married 9 years ago....

-Stella

I Hate the Way Breastfeeding Feels

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 23:14:00 +0000

Dawn's Secret:

My secret is that I hate the way breastfeeding feels.

I've nursed all three of my babies,

and although it's been tough through all of them,

the first and the last have been the worst.

It's not that it hurts.

It just drives me cRaZy!!!

I hate the feeling. HATE IT!

So much so, that I often bite my arm to try and deflect the feeling.

I want more than anything to get those warm fuzzy feelings when nursing,

but I don't get them.

I hate myself for hating it.

Sometimes it gets so bad I'm afraid of hurting them.

I want to tear them off my breast and throw them.

I don't, of course, but the feeling is there.

I often have to take them off before they are finished

because I just can't handle it anymore.

I strongly support breastfeeding and

I KNOW it's best for my baby.

I refuse to give up and offer formula.

I just trudge through and count the minutes until the feeding is done,

and pray time goes slow until the next feeding.

So there you have it.

The la leche league would probably be appalled!!!

-Dawn

My Husband Cheated on Me {and he's a Minister}

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 03:49:00 +0000

Mary's Secret:

My husband is a "known" ministry leader.

People can't complement him enough.

They thank me continually for the sacrifices

the family and I make to share him with the world.

He neglects us.

He has neglected us for a very long time.

I have had to take over all his household duties.

We haven't had a family vacation in years and years.

The children don't know him,

except for his stress-induced anger at them.

He is always "tired".

He seldom speaks to me or touches me.

Seven years ago I discovered he was

having an emotional affair with his ministry assistant.

We tried counseling.

He said my expectations of him and of marriage were too high.

He stopped loving me.

And then he threw himself into his ministry even more.

More complements. More fawning, flattering women.

I just discovered he has committed adultery

with another ministry volunteer.

Full-blown physical adultery.

Romance and love.

Secret meetings.

Expensive hotels and plane flights.

Constant deceit.

Meeting with her every time he was on his way home from a trip.

Even on the weekend before our oldest daughter got married.

His last weekend with her at home and he spent it with his lover.

My children love this woman.

They are friends with her children.

She is known for being such an awesome Christian wife and mother.

I like her.

They discussed how pitiful I am.

He told her I was a terrible wife and inadequate lover.

He said he dreaded coming home to me.

They said they had no guilt and no regrets

except that they didn't begin their affair earlier.

He told her there is no hope for our marriage.

Now he says he has cut it off with her

and wants to try again with me.

No expressions of sorrow or regret -

no asking me for forgiveness.

Just that he is sorry if his actions hurt me.

I can't trust him.

I can't forgive an unrepentant man.

But I also can't take out an ad in Christianity Today announcing his sin.

My pastor said to give it time.

I am waiting.

And dying inside.

I feel like a waste of skin.

-Mary

My Secret Makes Me Feel Gross

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 02:45:00 +0000

Anonymous Secret:

I've always have been too afraid to tell ANYONE my secret.

I had an orgasm during 2 out of 3 of my children's births.

It happened during the final push.

It wasn't like an intercourse orgasm,

I almost can't explain it.

I felt like a weirdo,

gross,

un-motherly

and ashamed.

I don't know if there is anyone else out there

who has had this happen to them too

because I have never heard it being talked about...ANYWHERE!!!

My first child was born 16 years ago

and I have never told ANYONE

for fear of being looked at like I'm a FREAK or WEIRD!!!

-Anonymous

My Husband and I Have a Risque Secret

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 06:51:00 +0000

Liz's Secret:

I have a little secret,

but it's on the risqué side.

i.just.have.to.tell.someone.

I am the wife of a wonderful man and mother to a busy little man.

I live in the middle of the bible belt and am an active member of our church. I own a small business and love that I get to cook for a living.

I craft and blog in my spare time.

I'm a pearl wearing southern belle

who always minds her P's and Q's.

And I have a little secret that would

SHOCK my friends and family!

As of about 4 months ago,

my husband and I own (and frequently use)

a stripper pole.

LOL! I'm so blushing right now!

I am not even quite sure how all this got brought up,

but on Halloween night this year out of the blue

we started talking about sex...and fantasies.

I brought up mine first.

It's something I've always been intrigued by,

but because it's quite taboo (especially where I'm from),

I never actually pursued it.

Well, it just so happened to be a fantasy of his as well.

The next thing I knew,

we were in the car and pulling into a store's parking lot

to make our little purchases!

(Still blushing!)

We, of course, only have "date nights"

when our son stays with his grandparents...

But, let me just try to convey how thankful I am

for a hot pink pole,

6 inch black stilettos

and a few costumes!

Our date nights

have turned around so many aspects of my life:

I've lost weight not only from the exercise (and it REALLY is - when I first started, I've never been so sore in my life! haha!), but also from the motivation of wanting to look good in an "outfit".

I'm nicer and more patient with my husband (and vice versa).

Our sex life went from BORING to spicy hot and we're ultimately closer from sharing such a secret between us.

I can't believe something like THAT has made us a stronger couple!

Most of my friends would DIE if they knew,

so I haven't been able to tell anyone how I've slimmed down or why my husband and I are so happy-in-love!!

Thank you so much for letting me get it out!

-Liz

My Mental Illness Is Ruining My Life

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 23:25:00 +0000

Carly's Secret:

My mental illness is ruining my life.

My secret is a mashup of emotions and events

that will forever control my life.

Everything started on January 31, 2009.

I was a freshman in college,

I had great friends,

I was on a division one soccer team,

I had everything but I was truly unhappy.

On July 31st, 2009, I went home with my family

and decided that I no longer wanted to live.

My parents found out what I had done

and took me to the hospital

where I spent 3 days in the suicide room

and then was sent to a mental institution for another 3 days.

When I came out I was

broken,

tired,

ashamed,

and sad,

but I had hope.

I worked with a psychiatrist

and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

A life altering diagnosis,

but I worked through it for the next two years.

I married an amazing man.

I found myself with supportive friends from church.

And I began loving my church more than ever.

But, my secret holds me back.

I hate thinking about it,

but I know it controls my life.

I am filled with anger that I cannot share it

because every time I do my friends are no longer my friends,

or pass judgement on my previous actions, or (the worst one) they adopt my diagnosis to be their own.

I am ashamed and embarrassed that I have a mental illness.

I am guilty for the sadness and heartbreak that I caused my parents.

But, the worst part is I hate myself for it.

And I blame myself for my illness.

-Carly

I like to think of myself as a good person...

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 23:15:00 +0000

J's Secret:

I like to think of myself as a good person...

But someone who was cruel to me,

whom I do not like,

is sick and in pain.

No matter how hard I try,

I cannot feel sympathy

for what this person is going through.

In fact, it makes me smile.

-J

I am a CUTTER

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 07:48:00 +0000

Holly's Secret:

I am a cutter.

I was a cutter before I even knew what a cutter was.

As far as I know, the only person that knows is my husband

and only because he caught me.

I vividly remember the first time I self harmed.

I was in kindergarten

and I would clip the skin off of my feet with toenail clippers.

I am not sure how a 5 year old decides to do that

or even realizes that it will make them

feel better and worse all in one action.

Typical of many self harmers my childhood sucked.

There was a spectrum of abuse I’d rather not rehash.

Abuse that not only scars my insides,

but in turn caused me to leave it’s mark on my outsides.

Bleeding out my hurt.

In my teens and early 20’s I wanted more than anything to stop.

I would binge drink to drown my demons and became very promiscuous.

You see if you are with someone at the end of the night you aren’t alone to cut.

I was a cutter.

I couldn’t cope.

I was a drunk.

I was full of shame.

I was a slut.

I hated myself.

I was hurt.

I couldn’t stop.

I met my husband,

he caught me cutting 6 months into our relationship

and still married me.

He loves me crazy and all.

I haven’t cut for 2 years.

I have wanted to but have not.

The one thing that stops me is my daughter catching me

and trying it herself.

I went through a lot of therapy to heal my insides

and now I want my outsides ‘cured’.

I want to wear a bathing suit and shorts again.

I want to never have been a cutter.

-Holly

I Haven't Told Anyone What My Brother Did To Me

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 07:32:00 +0000

Lisa's Secret:

I was molested.

It started when I was 6 years old.

I have an older brother and he started molesting me.

This went on for years without me saying anything to either of my parents.

In my family,

we all knew that this brother was my Mother's favorite,

and I knew she would never believe me.

And we all knew that I was my Father's favorite,

and I was afraid what he would do to my brother if he found out.

I didn't want to blow apart my family.

Even at this young an age,

I knew what family meant.

This went on until I was about 15 years old.

I've been married for 40 years

and I never told my husband.

Both of my parents are gone now

and I haven't spoken to this brother in years.

I made myself a promise years and years ago,

that when my parents passed,

I would confront him about this

but now I feel like I need to keep quiet.

Am I doing the right thing?

I have a very dear friend who I have talked and talked about this with

and because I was able to get out all these feelings of shame and anger,

I feel this part of my life is best kept in the past.

Am I doing the right thing by never telling my husband?

I don't know.

-Lisa

My Husband Calls Me Chunky

noreply@blogger.com (ashley @ little miss momma) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 07:00:00 +0000

Mia's Secret:

My husband calls me chunky.

He's always asking me,

So, do you think you'll ever lose weight?

I had our baby 6 months ago.

I only weigh 145 pounds

and I'm fairly tall.

I don't think people would consider me fat.

But, my husband does.

And he lets me know.

It makes me feel like I can't do anything

and like I'm worthless.

-Mia