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I can’t wait to board that airplane that’ll take me on my dream vacation to the golden rolling hills of California. I can’t wait to grab my suitcase to pack and have the fraying handle finally fall off in my hand. I can’t wait to go the department store to find out that the only suitcase they still have in stock is pink and has a giant picture of JungKook the K-pop idol on it. I can’t wait to find out that all the stuff that used to fit in my one broken-handled suitcase doesn’t nearly fit in my new pink JungKook bag, so that I am forced to go back and buy a second one, and then wind up waiting in the check-out line behind a lady who spends fifteen minutes trying to return a dress that she bought at a different department store. I can’t wait to check-in to my flight and discover that it now costs an
extra $40 to check a second bag, so that I decide to keep one of the identical JungKook bags as a carry-on. I can’t wait until I get to the TSA checkpoint and find that the pink carry-on that I chose happens to be the one with my med kit which has several containers that have more than the terrorist sanctioned three ounces of toothpaste, shampoo, and athlete’s foot cream. I can’t wait to go back to the United ticket counter to pay the $40 to check this bag only to wind up waiting in line for fifteen minutes behind a woman who is trying to exchange her ticket from another airline for a new flight. I can’t wait to finally get through the security checkpoint so that I can sprint through the entire length of the A, B, and C terminals, only to find that my flight is on time, but I’m one minute late and feel like I might be having a heart attack. I can’t wait to trudge back down the entire lengths of the A, B, and C terminals to stand in line at the United ticket counter and eventually find that there are no more seats on any flight that can get me to San Francisco until next Tuesday, but the good news is that both my pink JungKook bags should be waiting at the airport when I finally arrive because they made the flight even though I didn’t. I can’t wait to say, “To hell with this stupid airline!” and go and stand in line at the American Airline counter where I spend fifteen minutes trying in vain to exchange my United ticket for an American one. I can’t wait to finally say, “Screw all your airlines!” and go to the Avis counter to rent a car to drive to California. I can’t wait to find out that the only car that they still have available is a pink Kia which has pictures of JungKook the K-pop idol embedded all over the pink upholstery.

I can’t wait to finally hit the road, because a four-day driving trip cross-country is
exactly what I need to clear my head now that all my allergy medicine is in flight 20,000 feet above Iowa. I can’t wait to eat at one of those classic roadside diners where the waitresses sling Western omelets with hash browns and apple pie alamode. I can’t waitto search in vain for that diner that I once ate at just outside Peoria only to find that it is now a Dennys. I can’t wait until I get another hour down the road and discover that something in the Grand Slam breakfast doesn’t really want to spend more time anywhere in my digestive tract. I can’t wait to drive the next several hundred miles frantically looking for rest areas or service station bathrooms while occasionally doubled over with cramps. I can’t wait to pull into a motel in Cheyenne, Wyoming after an exhausting day on the road only to find that they lost my reservation and there’s a rodeo in town so that there are no vacancies anywhere within 100-mile radius. I can’t wait to drive another two hours to the Hideaway Motel and get the last available room next door to what sounds like a cowboy riding a bucking bronco for the next several hours.

I can’t wait to enjoy the quiet desolation of the desert, where my car’s tiny tank runs out of gas before I can make it to the next oasis. I can’t wait to finally get picked up hitchhiking after standing for an hour in the 110-degree heat by a group of teenage girls who immediately stop when they see me stranded next to my pink JungKook Kia and blast his K-Pop hits while arguing non-stop about whether he is once again dating actress Li Yoo Bi or is still with Instagram influencer Lalalalisa.

I can’t wait to finally arrive at the airport in San Francisco only to discover that my
luggage was taken off the plane in Cleveland when I didn’t show up on time for my flight and has now been delivered back to my house. I can’t wait to finally get on the next flight home and be reunited with my two practically unused JungKook bags and as a souvenir of my trip spend the entire flight trying to ignore an earworm of his hit “Save Me” that I’ll probably never get out of my head.

I can’t wait to plan my next summer vacation.

The post SUMMER VACAY appeared first on The Funny Times.

With Cartoons By: Cecily Allison, Joshua Barkman, Clay Bennett, Marc Bilgrey, Todd Condron, Nathan Cooper, Dave Coverly, Bill Griffith, Bob Eckstein, Judy Horacek, John Jonik, Mary Lawton, Tim Lockley, Brian McFadden, Steve McGinn, Sarah Morrissette, Dan Misdea, P.S. Mueller, Mark Parisi, Asher Perlman, Rina Piccolo, Hilary Price, Harley Schwadron, Maria Scrivan, Jim Shoenbill, Andy Singer, Jen Sorensen, Ward Sutton, Bill Whitehead, Phil Witte, Bianca Xunise and many more!

Signs of the Times
By Richard Lederer

EARTH IS FLAT AND INFINITE (According to Paid Experts)
By Chris Hume

We’re Your Box of Home Hair Color and We’re Completely, Totally, Almost Safe to Use
By Bev Potter

Eleven Easy Steps to Streaming Your Favorite Content
By K.A. Polzin

Your Piano is Trying to Kill You
By Roz Warren

Oh, Say Can You See?
By Larry Arnstein

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With Cartoons By: Isabella Bannerman, Jack Compere, Dave Coverly, Bill Griffith, Al Jaffee,John Jonik, Keith Knight, Mary Lawton, Liniers, Scott Masear, Steve McGinn, Dan Misdea, Chris Monroe, Drew Panckeri, Mark Parisi, Asher Perlman, Rina Piccolo, Hilary Price, Maria Scrivan,Andy Singer, Sam Viviano and many more!

Who was this Furshluggenergenius, Al Jaffee?
By Peter Kupe

Would Offer to Help, But There’s a Cat on My Lap
By Tim Jones

A Transcript of My First Date Since 2020
By Bob Eckstein

Diary of a Dedicated Delusional Gardener
By Janet Periat

If Our Dogs Took Us to the Doctor
By Bev Potter

The Dreaded Sunday Drive
By Carolyn J. Rose

If This is Jesus’s Wine, I Think I’d Prefer Water
By K.A. Polzin

The post JUNE 2023 Issue appeared first on The Funny Times.

I went to a protest rally in Washington recently called the Rocking Chair Rebellion.
No, we weren’t there to protest the poor designs of rocking chairs and the fact that most
of them are still made of solid wood which hurts my bony old ass if I sit in one for too
long. We came to tell the banks who supply over 90% of the funding for new fossil fuel
projects to stop lending our money to Big Oil before they kill us and all their other
customers. I haven’t yet run across an industry whose successful business model is
dead customers except maybe funeral parlors, but even they have to collect their fees
from grieving relatives, as most dead guys’ credit ratings have really dropped off.

I’m from a generation that has been rocking out for a long time, but we never rocked
like this before. The organizers, Third Act, a group headed by climate activist Bill
McKibben, had managed to procure about 50 rocking chairs, which they’d painted and
decorated in many artistic, eco-friendly, crafty ways that your grandma would
appreciate. Because your grandma was probably there decorating. The rockers were
the centerpiece of a very visual protest which involved blocking the entrances to the four
offending banks, Chase, Citibank, Bank of America, and Well Fargo. Various of my
boomer cohort took three hour shifts blocking the banks all night and day. We also had
a march (a nice slow march) through the streets of DC to the entrances to each of the
four banks, where we got to cut up our credit cards and ask if we could use their
bathrooms to go pee. After the last of the cards were destroyed, we all had a nice die-in
in the middle of the intersection of Chase and Wells Fargo.

In case you’ve never been to a die-in it’s a technique that many of us boomers
practice regularly, especially if we’re Buddhists. The Dalai Lama says it’s good to
visualize your death every day so you’re ready when the time comes. And as many of
us know who do this practice, even if you don’t die you usually wind up having a good
nap. This particular die-in was also a chance to take a rest after all that marching if you
weren’t quick enough to get a seat in one of the rockers. The hard part for many of us
was standing up again after it was over, but fortunately we had many younger people
joining our demonstration to help get us off the ground.

Although our children and grandchildren are the ones who will have to bear the brunt
of the worsening climate crisis, we old rockers can have a tremendous impact on
making change for the better. There are over 70 million folks in America over 60, and
10,000 more turn that age every day. The average net worth of folks under 35 is
$76,000, while for those of us over 60 it’s over $1 million. That’s because we’re
cheapskates who’ve scrimped and saved and also had the chance to buy our homes
way back when for ninety-six dollars and change. Or maybe we just inherited a bunch of
money from our parents, who were the ultimate cheapskates. My mom wouldn’t even
buy a can of brand name tuna unless she had a coupon for it.

But the important thing for the banks to know (and believe me they know everything
about us) is that we’ve got a lot of money and we’re quite happy to close our accounts
at any bank that is working to kill us and place it in the hands of bankers who’d like to
stay in business for a few more years funding solar installations, electric cars,
sustainable agriculture and lots of other investment opportunities that won’t destroy
everything we’ve spent our lives building.

And hey, this isn’t just a good idea for my generation. Anyone with a bank account or
credit card is welcome to join us and put your mouth where your money is. Check out
the Third Act website for lots of info on how to find the best banks, credit unions, and
credit cards and help put our collective resources to work for a better climate future.
You’re never to young (or old) to get started.

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With Cartoons By: Isabella Bannerman, Joshua Barkman, Harry Bliss, Ruben Bolling, Pat Byrnes, Todd Condron, Dave Coverly, Bob Eckstein, Martha Gradisher, Steve Greenberg, Bill Griffith, Marian Henley, Scott Hilburn, John Jonik, Keith Knight, Peter Kuper, Mary Lawton, Carol Lay, Heather McAdams, Steve McGinn, Sarah Morrissette, Mark Parisi, Ted Rall, Leigh Rubin, Crowden Satz, Andy Singer, Mark Stivers, Joel Wilhelm and many more!

The New Words We Need Now
By Lenore Skenazy

Cannibalism in Pop Music: an Appreciation
By Jim Nolan

Entertaining in the Post-Trump Era
By Billie B.Little

Too Much Information
By Anneli Byrd

I‘m a Whiner
By David Martin

Art Therapy for Hoarders
By Robert Moll

The post MAY 2023 Issue appeared first on The Funny Times.

1. When was the last time you looked under the basement stairs? You know, in that crawl space that you forgot about? Do you have any idea how many dangerous chemicals, poisons, or forgotten 8-track tapes might be stored under there? Aren’t you curious? Don’t you want to look right now? We’ll wait, but if you don’t come back in one hour we’ll let the police know you’re missing and presumably eaten by the ogre who lives there.

2. Many people are not aware of the dangers of poorly maintained electrical cords. When was the last time you checked all the cords on all your lamps, appliances, and electrical devices to see if they are frayed, or potentially chewed on by mice, or that stray dog your daughter brought over that one time that tried to eat your vacuum cleaner? Do you know how many people get electrocuted by their own appliances, or as the result of carefully inspecting every inch of every electrical cord in their homes? No? Well neither do we, but we’re sure its a lot! So be careful, and maybe hire some teenage kid in the neighborhood to do this job for you and be sure to let us know if he starts glowing in the dark.

3. The most common cause of major injury in the home is falling down stairs. Please note that people almost never die from falling up stairs. So be extra careful when you go down stairs. And we mean every time! Just because your cell phone is ringing and you’re sure it’s finally that hottie you met last week at Pablo’s Taco Bar finally calling back doesn’t give you permission to go running down the stairs in your stocking feet to answer it. What if it’s not them? Do you want to wind up dead or paralyzed for life because you almost missed a call from the Policeman’s Benevolent Association trying to sell you raffle tickets? To really stay safe, don’t use the stairs at all, rent a first floor apartment on a quiet street in Sheboygan.

4. The most dangerous place to go is the kitchen. Your gas stove could leak and kill you with a colorless gas, or it could burn you, or you might drop a meat clever on your foot, or decide to eat some food that is passed its expiration date and wind up with ptomaine poisoning. And don’t even ask what “ptomaine” is or where it comes from: just knowing can make you sick to your stomach for weeks. Also the kitchen is the place where you are most likely to climb up on an unsteady chair to reach for something off the top shelf and fall down and break your patootie. Because the temptation is always to believe that your are as well balanced and athletic as you were when you were 18, even though now you sometimes get dizzy when you stand up out of bed in the middle of the night to go pee. Is there a question in here somewhere for you? I guess the question would be, why don’t you just go down to Grace’s Diner for meals, and stay the hell away from the kitchen altogether? You’re a lousy cook anyway.

5. Do you have any area rugs in your house? Don’t you know how unsafe they are? You can easily trip over the corner of the rug and wind up splitting open your head on the coffee table. Not to mention the fact that rugs harbor all kinds up microscopic mites, and dander, as well as all manner of nasty smells and substances that you can never  entirely get rid of no matter how often you vacuum or shampoo or shake and beat them. It would be best to ditch the rugs entirely except then you’d be left with hardwood floors, which can easily get slippery and then when your feet go skidding out from under you the cleaning lady won’t find you broken to pieces until a week from Tueday. Oh well, pick your poison, as the say.

6. I guess what we’re finding out here is that you are uninsurable. There’s no getting around what a high risk lifestyle you currently have. So if you have any insurance now, it’s cancelled, and if not, don’t ever expect to get any from us. You know why. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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