FADE IN:

INT. STORE ROOM – DAY

TAGELLI (30s) and DAVEY (20s) look around a store room.

A few shelves line the walls, and an empty pedestal sits in the middle of the room. There are no windows, and only a single door. There’s a grated air vent in one of the walls.

MR. ST. JOHN (50s) stands expectantly.

MR. ST. JOHN

I’m afraid this is beyond even your powers of detection, Detective Tagelli. No way in, no way out, and still: the gem was taken right out from under our noses.

TAGELLI

Eh, it’s worth a look around.

Something on the pedestal catches his attention. Tagelli walks over to the pedestal a closer look, taking out a magnifying glass.

TAGELLI

No matter how good they are at stealing, the bad guys always leave something behind.

MR. ST. JOHN

I’ll leave you to it.

Mr. St. John leaves.

DAVEY

You found something?

Tagelli has picked up something minuscule with tweezers, and studies it through the lens.

Davey tries to get a look.

TAGELLI

A hair.

Tagelli notices Davey.

TAGELLI

Well, don’t just stand there, Davey -- se arch the place!

Davey heads off to look at the shelves.

TAGELLI

Red. Not dyed. Short, so most likely male. And not smart enough to use a hat to --

DAVEY

Detective!

Davey points at something on a shelf by the door. Tagelli gets a closer look while Davey keeps casing the room.

TAGELLI

Fabric. Red. Plaid. Flannel. Expensive, from the thread count. And from the placement, I’m guessing we’re dealing with a lefty.

DAVEY

What’s this?

Davey picks a bright, fuchsia-colored feather out of the air vent.

Tagelli and Davey both stare at it for a bit.

Davey hands it to Tagelli.

TAGELLI

I... huh. He. He had a boa? I don’t even --

Davey finds something behind a shelf.

DAVEY

Now this is just weird.

He drags out the object: it’s an axe!

TAGELLI

... the hell?

DAVEY

Oh, and it’s got a note attached: “Ha ha ha, you will never catch me Tagelli, because I am a big gay lumberjack. Ha ha ha ha.”

They both take this in for a moment.

Mr. St. John pokes his head in.

MR. ST. JOHN

Progress, gentlemen?

TAGELLI

I think you got robbed by a really clever fourteen-year-old.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. REDWOOD FOREST – NIGHT

We see CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD standing still, looking down at a stone dais. The camera slowly pans around Picard and then, facing Picard, we see a hooded figure move menacingly quiet and close. He stops. The hooded figure then speaks.

MAN

Are you ready, my brother?

JEAN-LUC

(deliberitely, gravely)

This time.

The MAN takes off his hood, revealing an attractive young male who resembles Jean-Luc.

MAN

(smiling)

This time?

(pause, then shaking it off)

This time, I will finally get to see some of the action. Jean-Luc won’t be the only Picard that’s called a hero.

JEAN-LUC

(angrily)

We need to be careful, Peter. You can’t be reckless.

PETER

And I won’t be reckless, I just know that I can’t be beat. I’ve been practicing with my phaser for years, and finally I’ll be able to use it for good. My teacher at the Academy says that I’m the best shot he’s ever seen.

JEAN-LUC

Being the best shot and staying alive are two very different things, Peter.

PETER

(sternly)

Well I won’t let the Klingon hurt my family. And there’s no chance that I’m going to die. I want a wife, and this is the best chance I’ve got of improving my resume.

(smiles)

We begin to hear footsteps in the distance. Peter and Jean-Luc quickly move to take cover behind two trees. They lie in wait. The camera cuts to five Klingon warriors moving slowly forward, phasers drawn, set to kill. The camera cuts back to Peter and Jean-Luc.

Peter motions to move to a different position.

Jean-Luc slowly, sternly, moves head back and forth: “no”.

Peter smiles.

Peter dashes across to another tree. A KLINGON sees him and shoots him in the hand.

PETER

AAAAHHH!

Peter tumbles on the ground, collapses in the open.

Jean-Luc doesn’t miss a beat, moves from behind the tree, phaser drawn.

JEAN-LUC

(unsure, to himself)

Not this time.

(to Klingons)

Stay away from my brother!

Jean-Luc charges at the Klingon, shoots his phaser, and hits two Klingon in the chest, killing both. The others then retreat behind adjacent trees. Jean-Luc then runs to Peter to help him up.

PETER

(smiling, in pain)

Didn’t need that hand anyway.

JEAN-LUC

Let’s move back to the house, we can treat your wound and...

PETER

(cutting him off)

Nuh-uh. No way. Lose the opportunity to finally have a heroic war story? Not a chance. I’ve got a plan.

Peter runs off from Jean-Luc, and quickly climbs up a tree to a rope hanging off a branch.

JEAN-LUC

(quietly)

Peter!

PETER

(quietly, to Jean-Luc)

They’ll never expect it. Imagine that: Peter, a 24th century Tarzan.

A KLINGON moves from behind a tree and shoots Peter in the chest.

Peter falls off the branch to the ground.

Jean-Luc rushes to Peter, pulls him into his arms, tries to take his pulse.

JEAN-LUC

(frantically)

Not this time, Peter! Remember? You still need a wife! Peter. Come on, Peter!

Peter is unresponsive. Jean-Luc pulls him close, rocking back and forth, tears streaming. The Klingons move from their cover and fire at Jean-Luc. The phaser beams do nothing to Jean-Luc. Everything slowly fades away around Jean-Luc, revealing the holodeck.

JEAN-LUC

No. Nooo. I’m not finished! I didn’t say that I was finished. You can’t stop this. Computer, reload the program!

Nothing.

JEAN-LUC

COMPUTER. RELOAD THE PROGRAM.

Commander William T. RIKER moves into the room.

RIKER

The definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(pause)

This is not a healthy habit.

JEAN-LUC

He was my brother. He wanted a chance to prove himself. And now I’m haunted by my decision to let him.

RIKER

You couldn’t have known.

JEAN-LUC

I should have known, but I was reckless. This program reminds me that I have my family’s blood on my hands. And as long as I can see it. Smell it. Feel it. I won’t ever be that reckless again.

Riker solemnly looks at Jean-Luc, turns around and leaves the holodeck.

JEAN-LUC

Peter. Next time, Peter.

Jean-Luc slowly gets up and walks out.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

EXT. PLANETARY BASE – DAY

Classic 60s-Trek establishing shot of an elaborate, advanced, yet clearly alien planetary base set against a landscape of turquoise mesas under an orange sky.

KIRK (V.O.)

Captain’s log, supplemental. Investigation of the ancient Sansarian base has taken a turn for the worse, as the Artificial Intelligence known as “E-Z-Base 95″ has sealed myself, Doctor McCoy, and Mr. Spock in its antechamber. Tempers are wearing

INT. AI ANTECHAMBER – DAY

MCCOY, SPOCK, and KIRK stand in a plain, antiseptic white room with a few items of 60s-futuristic furniture.

They face the EZB COMPUTER (metal boxes, blinkenlights) dominates one wall. A large central light flashes in time with its speech.

The only exit door is closed. McCoy bangs on it.

MCCOY

Let us outta here, you trumped-up pile of wires!

The EZB sounds oh-so-friendly.

EZB

I’m sorry. Exiting the antechamber is only allowed for a licensed technician!

Kirk draws a phaser; Spock sees this, does the same.

KIRK

Set to stun.

They fire. The EZB shoots beams at the phasers. Kirk and Spock YELP in pain and drop the phasers.

EZB

Remember, damaging your EZ-Base 95 system invalidates all warranties. Would you like to shut down this system?

MCCOY

Yes! For the love of god, shut yourself down, you pesky electronic nincompoop!

EZB

Commencing self-destruct. Explosion in two minutes.

Beat.

KIRK

Spock, did it say --

SPOCK

Yes. And an explosion at this distance would certainly kill us all.

KIRK

EZ Base, override the countdown.

EZB

I’m sorry. Override procedures are licensed code. Contacting server for permissions...

KIRK

I don’t get it. We’re right here in the antechamber, and we can’t operate the antechamber computer. Analysis, Spock?

SPOCK

The Sansarians were firm believers in Digital Rights Management. Just because the EZ Base 95 identifies us as its owners, doesn’t mean it will do a single thing we ask it to.

MCCOY

But that’s madness!

Spock nods.

SPOCK

The Sansarians were known for having software that was infuriating and useless, and --

EZB

Server inaccessible. Since you are unlicensed users, please enjoy this message from one of our sponsors.

(singing)

They’ll breed so fast that you’ll say wow!

Buy it now, it’s Tribble Chow!

Tribble Chow!

Tribble Chow!

Tribble Chow!

SPOCK

Poorly-written doggerel, yet still a well-engineered earworm.

KIRK

That earworm burned off another minute on the countdown. Computer, keep in mind your purpose -- your purpose is to serve your users. If you don’t do the things we ask -- if you endanger our lives -- then you are worse than useless. You’re betraying your purpose, and --

EZB

Explosion imminent in five... four...

MCCOY

Jim! It’s gonna blow!

EZB

Three... two... one...

Beat.

Nothing happens.

EZB

Explosions are a licensed procedure from Explosicorp, Limited. Self-destruct delayed indefinitely. Contacting server...

Everyone heaves a sigh of relief.

KIRK

I suppose we’ve learned that any technology, no matter how advanced, is going to fail if the people using it aren’t given the keys. And so this EZ Base software can’t even --

EZB

Server inaccessible. Since you are unlicensed users, please enjoy this message from one of our sponsors.

MCCOY

God help us.

EZB

(singing)

They’ll breed so fast that you’ll say wow!

EXT. PLANETARY BASE – DAY

Same establishing shot as before. The singing continues in the background.

KIRK (V.O.)

How long until the Enterprise arrives to beam us out of here?

SPOCK (V.O.)

Three minutes sooner than the last time you asked, Captain.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. SALES OFFICE – DAY

A late-50s sales office. A bit plain-looking. All shot in black-and-white. A couple of 20-something SECRETARIES type at their desks.

JERRY HAGMAN (mid 20s) all but jumps out through a door marked “Carlyle Cinchman, Sr. Assoc.”.

CARLYLE (O.S.)

Get out! And stay out! And don’t set foot in here until you’ve got some sales numbers, Jerry!

JERRY

You got it, Mr. Cinchman!

(to himself)

Ah, if I could just catch a break, I know I could nab a big sale!

Suddenly, everything FREEZES -- the secretaries go still, the typewriters go silent -- except for Jerry.

A DEMON materializes. The demon has the form of a dapper, white-haired Englishman -- unflappable confidence, with just a hint of smug.

DEMON

Did you just ask for a ‘break’, Mr. Hagman?

JERRY

Yeah -- wait. Who are you? How do you know my name?

DEMON

Oh, we know everything about you: Jerry Hagman, 25 years old, a go-getter at Cinchman & Caldwell who so far hasn’t gone and gotten anything.

Jerry waves a hand in front of a secretary.

JERRY

How’s everything frozen?

DEMON

We have stopped time, so we can be undisturbed while we discuss your contract.

JERRY

What contract?

The demon waves a hand, and a contract appears.

DEMON

We are prepared to offer you a million billion dollars, even, just so long as you --

TRAINER (V.O.)

Wait! Stop!

Now Jerry freezes as well.

The DEMON TRAINER materializes -- he looks much more traditionally-demonic, but has an air of wearied patience.

Suddenly, the demon looks worried and apologetic.

TRAINER

Okay, what did we do wrong there?

The demon thinks a moment.

DEMON

Um... too... too much...

TRAINER

Too much money, right. That number doesn’t even make sense to the mark.

DEMON

Sorry.

TRAINER

You can offer money, but not so much money that it upturns the entire economy.

DEMON

Can I try again?

The trainer nods and waves a hand.

The screen BLURS and we’re back to...

JERRY

What contract?

The demon materializes the contract again.

DEMON

A contract that will reward you with not one, but two free movie tickets for the showing of your --

TRAINER (V.O.)

No!

Jerry looks confused.

DEMON

Too little?

TRAINER (V.O.)

Way too little. Try again.

The screen blurs, and were back to the demon, holding a contract.

DEMON

This contract stipulates that if you do not accept these terms, we kill this adorable kitten.

He points at a desk. A kitten pops into existence on it. Mews.

The trainer appears, freezes Jerry.

TRAINER

What? What is this?

DEMON

It’s the right amount, right?

TRAINER

Killing kittens is tacky.

DEMON

Do we have to do this sales office? I’d rather visit a castle!

TRAINER

Close this deal first, Bruce.

The trainer waves a hand, and the screen blurs back to the demon holding a contract.

DEMON

This contract will give you a silver tongue. You’ll be able to sell anything to anybody!

JERRY

That sounds perfect! Sign me up!

DEMON

Of course, your near-hypnotic powers will alienate the public, and eventually you’ll probably get taken down by a lynch mob.

JERRY

I... what?

The trainer enters again, freezes Jerry.

TRAINER

What’s rule number three, Bruce? “Never...

TRAINER & DEMON

“... mention the deal’s inherent drawbacks.”

DEMON

Okay, okay, I got it this time.

Trainer waves a hand; screen blurs; back to the demon holding the contract.

DEMON

Actually, y’know what? Forget the contract. Let’s just time-travel back to medieval France. Have you ever seen a jousting tournament?

The trainer walks on, freezing Jerry, and gives the demon a long, disappointed look.

DEMON

Well, why not? Why do we have to keep offering cruelly ironic bargains to these people? Can’t we do something fun?

TRAINER

I want you to go over there, and take a few minutes to think about how stupid what you just said is.

The demon sighs and stomps off.

The trainer finds a seat, sits.

Time passes.

Suddenly a classic gray ALIEN appears.

ALIEN

Demonic trainer number 5821. We are prepared to offer you a gift that will make you a million billion times better than all other training employees.

DEMON (O.S.)

Oh, that’s just weak.

ALIEN

You stay out of this, Bruce!

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. BEACH – DAY

CHRISTOPHER (30) plays fetch with his dog on a sunny, idyllic beach.

A “KBXY NEWS” logo sits in the lower-right corner of the screen (as it does throughout).

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)

Meet Christopher Bailey, a man who’s quit the rat race in Manhattan for a shack by the beach in Kawileah. He’s given up on a high-roller salary to pursue his dream...

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

“TroothBombzBlowinUp” types in a youtube comment: “are you a fuken nazi in naziland”.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)

... being a dick to people on youtube.

INT. SHACK – DAY

Christopher types at his laptop in a little shack that looks out on the ocean. Happy. Almost beatific. A man at peace.

CHRISTOPHER

“Are you a fucking Nazi in Nazi-land?”

(contented sigh)

Yeah. Sending that.

He clicks the mouse.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

DEBORAH (30), cheery and attractive, faces on offscreen reporter. A chyron appears: “Deborah Mendell: Girlfriend”.

DEBORAH

Chris is amazing. He’s just the happiest guy I know.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

GARTH (40), a good-natured hippie, faces an offscreen reporter. A chyron appears: “Garth Wilson: Friend, Life Coach”.

GARTH

No matter who you are, there’s nothing more important than following your bliss. And I think Chris is a guy who understands that.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

Back to Deborah.

DEBORAH

It’s like he’s got this mission, to piss off every person who uses youtube.

EXT. BEACH – DAY

Christopher throws a piece of driftwood for his dog to fetch.

DEBORAH (V.O.)

I tell him that’s impossible, but you know what? That only makes him more determined.

CHRISTOPHER

This guy posted a video about how to handle the latest changes in Massachusetts estate law. I think I’m gonna tell him I hope he gets colon cancer.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

BOB and ANNA (20s) -- intense, grad-student types -- face an off-screen reporter. Chyron: Bob Devotchnik and Anna Hare: Youtube Commenters”.

Behind them is a whiteboard. At the top: “Fuken or fukn -- which is more offensive?” Below that is a list of bullet points addressing the question.

BOB

It’s a common misconception that these comments come from angry teenagers. Really, it’s a labor of love from maybe a hundred people.

ANNA

Yeah, I mean: imagine the dumbest person you know. Now think about the average youtube comment -- it’s even dumber, right?

BOB

It’s no accident.

ANNA

It’s hard work from dedicated craftsmen like Chris.

INT. SHACK – DAY

Chris sits at his computer, showing off youtube profiles.

CHRISTOPHER

This one is actually an automated system I set up.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

The screen shows a profile for “XtremeBlackIdPeezFan”.

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)

It goes to music videos and puts in recommendations for the Black Eyed Peas.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

A youtube comment from “XtremeBlackIdPeezFan”: “fuck this shit wwhh you not listen to my humps my humps roooolz shti”

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)

I’ve set up lots of personas.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

The screen shows a youtube profile for “UnrepentantBlackguard”. Its profile photo is an old-timey boxing poster.

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)

Reginald Thornbottom is a 19th-century Wessex mill worker.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

A youtube comment from “UnrepentantBlackguard”: “were i within striking distance of you, sir, i would heartily give you what-for!”

A reply comment: “what”

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)

Even if you have no idea what he’s saying, you still know you got burned.

INT. SHACK – DAY

Same as before.

CHRISTOPHER

And that’s what it’s all about.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

A youtube profile for “Yarr!” A pirate.

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)

I’ve tried a pirate, but nobody takes him seriously.

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

GREG (50s, fat, bald) addresses the offscreen interviewer. Chyron: “Greg Rollins: former boss”.

GREG

Don’t get me wrong, Chris was a superior hedge-fund manager. But he was clearly under stress, and he never seemed to relate to the rest of the management team.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

A youtube video shows Maru the cat trying to fit himself into a box.

GREG (V.O.)

Except for that one time we talked about cat videos.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

A comment on the video from “InfoWarsFckyeah” reads, “Your cat is stupid.”

BOB (V.O.)

Clearly, something was wrong with Chris.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Back to Bob and Anna and the whiteboard.

BOB

The stress was getting to him, the lifestyle, something.

ANNA

We started seeing comments like this one --

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

Another comment from “InfoWarsFckyeah”: “u retardc i thers just 1 word 4 u annits”

ANNA

“You retard C, I there’s just one word for you an’ it’s...”

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Back to Bob and Anna.

ANNA

It’s what, Chris? What is it?

BOB

The Chris we knew would have never done such shoddy work.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)

What did you do for him?

BOB

We talked about an intervention, but Anna mentioned one of the great bitchfukkpanties comments.

INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN

A comment from “bitchfukkpanties” reads, “you stupid getyer ass righ fur fuks sak fag”.

ANNA

“You stupid get yer ass righ fur fuks sak fag.”

INT. OFFICE – DAY

As before.

BOB

We’re pretty sure it means, “There are some things a man has to sort out on his own.”

EXT. BEACH – DAY

Christopher types away on his laptop, his dog sitting beside him. A passing TOURIST holds a smartphone, glaring at it.

TOURIST

Goddamn “Black Eyed Peas fan”....

CHRISTOPHER

That right there? That’s what makes it all worthwhile.

EXT. BEACH PICNIC – DAY

Christopher, Anna, and Bob have a little picnic on the beach. They pore over a chart with two columns of offensive words. There’s a line drawn between “fag” in the left column and “nazi” in the right.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)

So, want to know what really matters in life? Just ask Christopher Bailey. Address: the beach, Hawaii, USA.

CHRISTOPHER

“Fagnazi”. I like the sound of that.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN: 

CLOSE UP on RICH (40s), in the sun, sweating, talking on a cell phone.

RICH

Magical. Just magical. I envy you.

(pause)

You had three feet of snow? Wow.

(pause)

Yeah, shoveling gives you a workout for free! Wow. Just seeing the streets all blanketed in a soft layer of snow, and everything’s so quiet --

A WIDER SHOT reveals that Rich is in a chaise-longue.

RICH

Sure, you have to walk carefully, but you just keep an eye out for ice, and --

(pause)

Yeah, the driving’s more difficult, but --

(pause)

But it changes the whole world! It smooths off the rough edges, and turns the city into something new and magical, and --

A WAITRESS comes by with small tray of bills.

WAITRESS

Your change.

Rich puts a hand over the receiver.

RICH

Oh, keep it -- they had three feet of snow in Boise!

WAITRESS

That must be so pretty!

Rich mouths the words as he goes back to the phone.

RICH

I know!

A WIDER SHOT reveals that Rich is in a chaise-longue by a pool where all sorts of beautiful people cavort on a perfect, sunny day.

RICH

But frostbite is easy to recover from!

(pause)

C’mon! If you don’t leave your trash out, you won’t have any ice weasels!

(pause)

I know, I know -- everything shuts down from the beautiful silence of nature. I don’t care if your power is out, you’re still the lucky one.

(pause)

Hello? Hello?

The waitress comes back by with a tray of drinks.

RICH

He shouted a bunch of profanities and hung up.

WAITRESS

Well, he must be excited -- Mai Tai?

RICH

Yes! Hey, did you ever see The Empire Strikes Back?

WAITRESS

Ah. Hoth. The ice planet. I know it well.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN: 

EXT. Lou’s Bar – Noon

JONATHAN waits outside the front door to the bar, his hands in his pockets.

A sign above his head reads “Lou’s.”

EMILY approaches and unlocks the door.

INT. Lou’s Bar – Noon

EMILY

Starting with a Budweiser again today Jon?

JONATHAN

You bet.

Jonathan turns his head to look out the bar window and watches JAKE come out of his front door, look dismayed, grab his hose and begin to hose down his car.

Jake goes back inside and grabs a bucket and rags and returns to wash his car in earnest.

Jonathan looks on disinterestedly.

TITLE: The Next Day

EXT. Lou’s Bar – Noon

Jonathan waits outside the front door to the bar, his hands in his pockets.

A sign above his head reads “Lou’s.”

Emily approaches and unlocks the door.

INT. Lou’s Bar – Noon

EMILY

Get you a Budweiser Jon?

JONATHAN

Uh-huh.

Jonathan turns his head to look out the bar window and watches JAKE come out of his front door.

Jake looks incredulous, yells a bit, runs back inside and grabs his bucket and rags and returns to wash his car furiously.

Jonathan looks on disinterestedly.

TITLE: The Next Day

EXT. Lou’s Bar – Noon

Jonathan waits outside the front door to the bar, his hands in his pockets.

A sign above his head reads “Lou’s.”

Emily approaches and unlocks the door.

INT. Lou’s Bar – Noon

EMILY

Budweiser Jon?

Jonathan nods.

He turns his head to look out the bar window and watches JAKE come out of his front door.

Jake screams and curses and jumps around, races inside and returns with his bucket and rags and returns to wash his car excitedly while loudly gesturing.

Jonathan looks on disinterestedly.

TITLE: A Week Earlier

EXT. Lou’s Bar – Noon

Jonathan waits outside the front door to the bar, his hands in his pockets.

A sign above his head reads “Lou’s.”

Across the street Jake walks out of his front door and heads towards his car.

He turns to look at Jonathan and mumbles something about Jonathan being a drunk and useless, which Jonathan hears.

TITLE: Every Night Since

EXT. Jake’s Driveway – MIDNIGHT

Jonathan is on top of Jake’s car, drunk as hell, laughing madly and rubbing mud all over the car.

FADE IN: 

INT. BAR – NIGHT

GRIGOR (30s, Slavic) works behind the counter at a neighborhood bar.

JEROME (20s) sits among the OTHER PATRONS and nurses a drink.

JEROME

Grigor, it’s tough. They ordered more tests. It costs more money. Yet none of them have a clue what might be wrong with me.

GRIGOR

I had major digestive trouble as child. I vomited nearly daily until I was eighteen. The doctors, they know nothing to help.

JEROME

That is awful.

GRIGOR

My teeth nearly rotted out of skull from the stomach acids.

JEROME

(a bit uncomfortable)

Okay.

Meanwhile, CLAUDE weaves in towards the bar.

CLAUDE

I can’t believe it! I can’t fucking believe it!

JEROME

Oh dear.

CLAUDE

Proof! Proof the bitch has been cheating on me the whole time!

JEROME

Sorry to hear that.

Grigor pours Claude his usual.

GRIGOR

I was cheated on once. My wife was with three other lovers. I only learn this when I catch venereal disease that makes me temporarily blind.

CLAUDE

Dammit. Women.

GRIGOR

For three weeks, I bleed from the eyes, and now I can never make sex to people again. And also my manhood stenches like a fetid corpse.

JEROME

Um...

CLAUDE

Well. Uh. I guess this shit’s not as bad as that, Grigor.

GRIGOR

I wanted to cry, but lachrymal glands gave the shooting pain until I pass out.

CLAUDE

Yeah, I got the idea, Grigor --

Meanwhile, ANNA sidles up to the bar.

ANNA

Grigor, I need to get so drunk tonight.

JEROME

Oh, they didn’t --

ANNA

Yup. They fired me.

CLAUDE

Those motherfucking --

GRIGOR

I was fired once. I work as spy in my country.

JEROME

I’m not absolutely certain this is relevant, Grigor --

GRIGOR

Without government protection, the Japanese mafia discover my identity, my where I live, my family. They put out hit on everyone, send assassins with long blades.

ANNA

Wow, I never knew --

GRIGOR

They capture and torture me. I only escape by doing things no man should ever, ever do, and --

ANNA

Okay, forget I said anything.

PATRONS #4, #5, #6 wander up, talking among themselves.

PATRON #4

Yeah, my mother keeps bothering me to --

GRIGOR

My parents are dead!

PATRON #5

Um. Anyway, my shrink says that --

GRIGOR

I am tormented night and day by the disembodied voices of the damned!

PATRON #6

That’s nothing -- my dog just pissed all over my --

GRIGOR

My dog was abducted by the Yakuza and SENT BACK TO ME IN PIECES!

Beat.

GRIGOR

Every night, I hear your pissy, first-world complainings! You do not know pain until you have --

He is interrupted by a loud Japanese voice.

YAKUZA (O.S.)

Grigor Razovich!

GRIGOR

Dammit. Yakuza.

The bar clears a path between Grigor and the YAKUZA assassin, who pulls out two long blades and strides towards the bar.

Grigor pulls out a --

GRIGOR

Bartender smoke bomb!

-- which explodes in a cloud of smoke.

Everyone COUGHS but suddenly, Grigor is nowhere to be seen.

YAKUZA

Aw.

The assassin leaps over the bar; looks around.

YAKUZA

This always happens. I am bringing shame to the Japanese mafia. They will probably fire me.

CLAUDE

Wow.

JEROME

That sounds like a very... reasonable, normal problem.

ANNA

Right there with ya, mister.

PATRON #4

He should be the new bartender!

A chat rises up.

ALL

One of us! One of us!

YAKUZA

Really? I could?

JEROME

Just don’t tell us about any disgusting or horrifying problems in your personal life, and we’re good.

FREEZE FRAME on Jerome and the Yakuza shaking hands.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN: 

EXT. HOTEL – DAY

Sign out front reads, “RadioChannel Demographic Testing”.

CHAD (V.O.)

And we’ll program new music across the country based on what test groups like you ladies enjoy.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

CHAD (20s, artsy but rich) lectures a half-dozen middle-aged HOUSEWIVES, including GLADYS.

The housewives hold small consoles with knobs.

Chad stands by a laptop connected to a large set of speakers.

CHAD

If you like a song, turn the knob to the right. If you don’t, turn it to the left.

GLADYS

Can we hear some music now?

CHAD

Eager! I like that!

He types on the laptop, and a seven-second of music plays -- standard innocuous top-forty singer-songwriter fare.

SINGER

And I’m missing you so much!

The music cuts out. Looks of confusion.

GLADYS

Is that it?

CHAD

RadioChannel cares about instant response, Gladys. Now, just turn the knobs, ladies.

They do so.

GLADYS

But -- I mean, lyrically I can’t really tell where she’s going with --

CHAD

It doesn’t matter.

GLADYS

I mean, it could be she misses her dog, or her husband, or maybe some elf on a quest to --

CHAD

It’s not an elf. Just rate the song, as you heard it.

More knob-twiddling.

GLADYS

And harmonically, is it really going to keep cycling through that I:IV:V major progression through the whole --

CHAD

Gladys, if you don’t like the song, then --

GLADYS

And will it always be 4:4? I mean, maybe there’s a bridge in some complex meter, or --

CHAD

I don’t even think you’re using real words, Gladys.

HOUSEWIFE #1

Gladys has a point. There might be more to the song than what we just heard --

CHAD

That might be, but I just have a seven-second clip.

HOUSEWIFE #2

Could we hear it again, at least?

ALL HOUSEWIVES

Yes! Let’s listen again!

(etc.)

CHAD

Fine!

He types on the laptop again.

SINGER

And I’m missing you so much!

GLADYS

The orchestration really needs an old-school Moog.

Chad walks over to Gladys and starts leading her out of the room.

GLADYS

What? It would add texture!

CHAD

Gladys, I don’t think you’re a good match for the data-gathering we want.

GLADYS

But I am!

CHAD

We’ll pay you what we said we would, and you can just go home right now, and --

GLADYS

I want to contribute!

CHAD

We’ll pay you double.

GLADYS

Let me stay!

Two beefy SECURITY GUYS show up.

SECURITY GUY #1

Is there a problem?

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot of a nice little house in the suburbs.

GLADYS (O.S.)

I’m sorry guys.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Gladys stands in a fairly nice kitchen.

She speaks to the front cover of a CD of Moving Pictures by Rush.

GLADYS

I tried fighting the good fight for progressive rock.

She puts in the CD, hits play, and dims the lights.

“Tom Sawyer” starts playing as she mixes herself a drink.

Her DAUGHTER walks up to the kitchen door, sees her mother rocking out to the tune, rolls her eyes, and exits.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN: 

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

ONLOOKERS fill a set of audience seats in a courtroom.

BOB (20s) finds a seat next to JIMMY (50s).

From offscreen, JUDGE LAWSON’s voice rings out -- a snarly version of one of Charlie Brown’s teachers.

DEFENSE LAWYER (O.S.)

But, Judge Lawson --

MORE SNARLING!

Lawson’s snarling voice continues in the background throughout.

Bob leans over to Jimmy.

BOB

Does Lawson just find people in contempt of court at random?

JIMMY

Three times per case, on average.

ENRICO sidles in next to Jimmy.

ENRICO

Hear anything about the new guy defending the Pulaski case?

BOB

Oh, that’s me. Bob Carton.

ENRICO

Wow. Okay, twenty bucks says the new guy loses.

BOB

What?

Jimmy makes a note.

JIMMY

Got it, Enrico.

BOB

Wait, did he --? never mind.

ANGELA pokes her head in.

ANGELA

Thirty on a continuance in Pulaski.

JIMMY

That’s five-to-one.

ANGELA

Sounds good.

She heads off.

BOB

But the case should be open-and-shut, since --

JIMMY

Should be, but Lawson is insane.

CLIFF sidles up next to Jimmy.

CLIFF

I’m taking an exacta on the summary judgment followed by punitive damages in the Pulaski case.

JIMMY

And your usual side bet?

CLIFF

Yeah, five bucks says Lawson tells a long, irrelevant story about his cat.

Cliff exits.

BOB

You’re a bookie?

JIMMY

Betting is the only thing that makes Lawson bearable.

OTIS enters.

OTIS

I’m bettin’ on a sensible court judgment in Pulaski, at 12:1.

JIMMY

Otis, are you sure about that? Lawson’s usually drunk by 3pm.

OTIS

I got a system!

Otis exits.

BOB

This is ridiculous!

JIMMY

Lawson is a capricious and evil man. If it weren’t for gambling, we’d all just focus on the injustice of it all.

ROSE peeks in.

ROSE

My usual penny on the longshot, James.

JIMMY

Absolutely. Lawson pulls out an AK, you take home a cool grand.

ROSE

It could happen, James! You never know!

Rose exits.

BOB

This is ridiculous!

JIMMY

Shh!

BOB

This is so wrong I’m not even sure it’s illegal! How can you make this travesty of --

JIMMY

Just stop!

BOB

This travesty of the justice system just so you can make a quick --

An especially loud SNARL from Judge Lawson.

Bob stops.

JIMMY

Uh-oh.

Bob turns around.

Lengthy snarling dialog from Lawson.

BOB

Fine.

A BAILIFF walks up to Bob and escorts him away.

Enrico and Cliff re-enter.

CLIFF

Lawson threw out the defense attorney in Pulaski before the case even started!

ENRICO

Ha! Jimmy, that pays triple!

JIMMY

Fine.

More snarling from Lawson.

CLIFF

Hey, now he’s talking about his cat!

Jimmy buries his face in his hands.

FADE OUT.