Skinny DiZzY

Juice Cleanse: Day 17

2012-08-27T11:03:00.000-04:00

Morning! Today is day 17 of my 21 day cleanse. Let me update you all on how I go here. I went to Puerto Rico for three weeks and ended up gaining about 7 pounds due to having alcohol & fatty, fried foods. Even before I left to Puerto Rico, I knew I wanted to do a 21 day cleanse when I came back so I was ready. Most of the days in Puerto Rico I tried to eat healthy for breakfast at least and would have eggs and fruits or peanut butter(all natural) & perserves. But then some days, me & my sis would eat before my aunt woke up so when she woke up she would automatically cook. After awhile we felt rude always telling her we ate. Anyway, so the cleanse has been going ok. I started August 11th at 202lbs. This morning day 17, I am 184.5lbs. So thats a total of 17.5lbs in 17 days. So pretty sweet. The first 3 days were rough. I felt weak and would have headaches. I definitely had hungry pangs. The first week or two I was having about 5 juices a day because I would listen to body. When I felt a hunger pang or that extremely empty stomach feeling, I would have a juice. Now I'm having 4 juices a day. Which is better since I'm kind of tired of juicing lol. I have been obsessed with food lately. I'm looking up a bunch of vegan, vegetarian and raw restaurants, etc. I discovered this website which a fellow IIN (Institute of Integrative Nutrition) student created to help people find healthy restaurants in NYC. I'm been also dying to have this great hummus from this mediterranean restaurant I've been to. So I'm glad I have 4 more days left after today and then I can begin slowly getting my body back to real foods. So for the first few days it'll probably just be raw fruits & veggies that I've been juicing, then I can branch out to stuff I haven't been juicing, then start having cooked veggies, then grains & protein like eggs & peanut butter. After that then maybe some animal meat. We'll see how it goes. I'm trying to see if my body has a reaction to any type of food so that way I can stay away from it. According to my blood type, I'm suppose to be a vegetarian. Which I can definitely see and I want to lean my eating habits in that direction, but still have some chicken, turkey & meat every now and then. not necessarily swear it off, but we'll see. That'll be quiet a change for me because when I'm out I love to get steak since I don't make it at home. But I want to see how my body responds when I give it those things again, because maybe they're not for me and I'll just have to accept that. So anyway, back to the juice since so many people have asked me for recipes. I don't really have any method to my juices. For the first week, I wanted to juice any and everything I could. But slowly i've seen that not everything has a lot of juice, so i was spending all this money to have bags of veggies give me a little bit of juice. So now I'm focusing on my juicier veggies & fruits. So this week, I'm juicing the following (either because I have them in the house or they give a lot of juice): cucumbers, watermelon, lettuce, cabbage, carrots, grapes, oranges, cherries, kale, greens. I try to have a equal amount of juice from veggies & fruits so that way the juice tastes sweet enough to drink. One thing that I bought a lot of and now refuse to juice are radishes. For awhile I juiced them, but now since I'm so over juicing lol, I don't want it anymore. Radishes have this somewhat peppery taste when you juice them. Because of this, you need to balance it out with a bunch of other stuff. I read carrot really works. When I was juicing it, I never had enough carrots. But when I would put a lot of greens & fruits with it, I didn't taste the peppery taste that much. So now, they're just sitting there in my fridge. Idk what I'm going to do with them. I'll try to update you guys when I can. Take care!

Happy July

2012-07-01T23:27:00.000-04:00

Happy July everyone. Time is going by so fast. I feel like the year just started but yet it's July already. I recently tried to put on my summer clothes and was so upset when NOTHING fit! I'm disappointed that I'm not back at my "usual" 175lbs, instead I'm at my old old usual of 185-192ish. Last time I weighed myself it said 187.5, which was great! That was this past Tuesday. The scale was stuck at 192 for so long. But now I'm scared that it went back there. This whole weekend was a lot of late night eating. Friday, I went to Hersey park with my job. We came back like 11 something and I got home by 12 and I was starving. I went to the corner store and got me a grilled chicken with bacon wrap. Then last night, I went to a baby shower near my mother's house. I got home around 12am. I was slightly hungry. My boyfriend woke up and he was starving. We tried to figure out what was open, which nothing was. So we ended up getting dominos. We got a large 2 topping pizza and stuffed cheesy bread. I ate about 3/4th of the cheesy bread and only one slice. In retrospect, that wasn't too bad. But of course then, it felt horrible. The today. Here's what I ate: sporadic reese minis, bfast:2 eggs & a banana, lunch: banana & PB wrap, snack: trail mix. When I got home around 8pm, me and my boyfriend were super hungry since we were out shopping since around 4pm, which was about 2hrs or so since we ate as is. Anyway, we got pasta from a local pizzeria. I got baked ziti with meat sauce. I ended up eating the whole thing despite being satisfied after about half of it. I felt horrible afterwards of course. It's upsetting that I go this cycle of being "hungry" then eating, but eating more then I should, then beating myself up about it, which just makes me want to eat more. I listened to a class recently for Institute of Integrative Nutrition and it talked about this cycle and how to get out of it. A good thing to do is to develop a "reality is" voice. So when you mess up on your diet or whatever instead of going through that crazy cycle, just tell yourself "reality is", i.e: reality is I overeat, reality is I should have stopped after half the plate of ziti, reality is I wish I never got it in the first place, etc. I've been working on it and it definitely helps with the cycle. I just hate that I can't fit anything. I've been wearing my girdle religiously lately just so I can fit into some pants. But now it's getting much hotter and with my girdle I have to wear like two shirts so you can see the ribs of the girdle. It's too hot for that. I've also been trying to work out more, so I worked out tuesday and wednesday then couldn't work out thursday and friday but went on saturday. What I'm worried about most is that this saturday coming I'm throwing a bbq party, which will have a lot of food and alcohol. I've made sure to purchase grass fed burgers and all natural beef franks for me and my boyfriend. But I worry about the alcohol, etc. Plus I'm sleeping over where we're doing the party at, which means I have to worry about all my meals throughout the day. Eh... I swear I get ahead of myself sometimes. Anyway, then on the 16th I'm off to Puerto Rico, which I'm super freaked out about. I have always correlated being on vacation with gaining weigh. So I'm worried about how much weight I'll gain during those three weeks. I'm trying to be positive and tell myself I can make healthy choices, which I definitely can. But I'm also planning ahead to when I return from vacation. When I return, I want to do a juice cleanse for hopefully 21 days. A fellow IIN student did one and lost 16lbs. I will also have tons of free time so I'll be redeeming my groupon voucher for kickboxing classes. I'll also be able to go to the gym almost daily. I've recently started thinking about getting my bike from my parent's house and using that to get places to save money since I'll be unemployed. But we'll see. I need to just worry about today and maybe tomorrow. I'm glad that i got to write and put all of these crazy thoughts somewhere. Goodnight....

Searching for sanity

2012-06-14T22:34:00.002-04:00

I really really need to write on here more often. Like usual, let me update you on what is going on in my life. School My 14 hour internship will be ending at the end of this month. I can't wait. I'm somewhat sad because I'm going to miss the families I worked with and the people at my internship, especially my supervisor. I love that woman. During my last supervision, she made me cry and not because she said something mean, but because she said something that really got to a place inside me that I usually hide. I'm not good with my emotions and I try any & everyway to avoid them and the feelings of others, so that is what we were talking about. Anyway, back to school. I did summer school, which just finished this Tuesday. I still have a paper due, that I want to turn in for this Tuesday coming. The paper is super easy but I've been procrastinating it. My plan for next school year, is to do a 21hr field placement so that I can graduate in May. I'm soooo ready to have my masters in social work degree in my hand already. I'm tired of school & papers! I have started classes at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. The classes are awesome. I love it! I am learning so much. I need to catch up on some of the classes, since I've been more focused on my summer class since it was intensive for 5 weeks. But now summer class is done and I can focus on my IIN classes. Work Idk if I've mentioned it on here since I seem to only blog when I want to eat lol. But my job is super super stressful and hectic. I've been doing my internship with my agency since September of last year. This February though, they decided to start taking my vacation time for the day that I'm at a different location (even though I still do a lot of my regular work duties there). Even after meeting with them about it, they just said "it's policy" (which of course isn't written anywhere). So this of course put a bad taste in my mouth. I started my calculations on my time, etc. I realized that the way it was going that my check would soon start to be short. Then for next school I would be going through the same thing but would be doing my internship at a different agency, so I would also need to be able to get out of work on time, which isn't guaranteed. After much debating and asking God for signs, I realized that I need to leave my job. I need to leave for my sanity and in order for me to take this great opportunity for an internship and graduate in May. I am so tired of the nonsense at my job, the lack of support, supervision, accountability. And I hate how I am responsibile for EVERYTHING!!! All the paperwork, I have to do, all meetings, visits, etc. I have to do. And it's annoying, but if I had better supervision (meaning I met with my supervisor regularly to discuss my cases and how I feel about it), then it wouldn't be so bad. But that's not the case at my job, there's no supervision and then the "policy" changes every single day. One day, the clients can get something, then the next they can't. I hate seeing this and I know it's just an injustice to the clients at end. Anyway, off my soapbox. But I'm leaving July 13th. That'll be my last day of work. Idk what I'm doing afterwards. I'm going to Puerto Rico for three weeks. I've been banking on the fact that my boyfriend will get a full time job by the time I quit, but it's hard out there. He's been applying to jobs left & right, but nothing. Then were he is interning now, has so much red tape to hire someone permanently. It's frustrating. I'm being more and more fearful of what is going to happen after I leave my job, because with just his part time paid internship, we can't pay our bills. I want to look into part time work, maybe even several of them. I know because of my BA that it'll be easy to find part time social service work, so that's what I'm going to be applying for. We'll see, but I have faith that God will provide, especially since he is the one that gave me all the signs to leave my job. Weigh & Food I am beyond frustrated with my weight. I'm like 190lbs!!! Like wtf?!! Just thinking about it makes me want to rip my stomach off and toss it. I don't fit any of my clothes, not even the more looser clothes I had. This sorta makes me wish I kept my clothes from my heaviest, but then I wouldn't know how much I've gained. My food has been all over the place, with me and my boyfriend ordering out frequently. We've been so lazy to cook. Also he recently decided that we should go vegetarian for a month, so we bought a whole bunch of veggies but then kinda didn't know what to do with them. Anyway, so we haven't been cooking like we used to, which means we (well I) can't plan my foods, which means I don't eat like how I should. I also don't even know what I should be eating. Sometimes I think, I'm eating too much, then other times it's too little. Idk, but I do know that I need to get back to cooking at home. I get paid tomorrow, so I can go shopping and restock all the food we need. On a positive note, we have started juicing. We borrowed his mother's juicer. It's been great. I'm about to make a juice once I finish writing this blog. I'm obsessed with juicing and have been seeking out places that make fresh juice. There aren't much places though. It just feels great to have a fresh juice. I'm thinking when I come back from Puerto Rico (when I have nothing but free time), that I want to do a juice cleanse. We'll see. My fingers hurt from writing so much. But I definitely need to blog more. I need to get all these thoughts & feelings off of my chest and I'm sure there's somebody out there reading this that can totally relate to what I'm going through.

Update, plus a good book

2012-03-31T20:23:00.001-04:00

Hey guys,

I'm reading this really good book:

Because of the book and the site, I've decided to start studying to become a health coach. I start in May. I'm super excited and can't wait. I'm hoping that through this program I'll be able to help myself work through my crazy food issues & addictions as well as help others. I have a couple of people that have already asked to be one of my first clients, so I'm pretty excited. I've always given advice about food and exercise but now I'll actually have this schooling behind me.

Then an update on where I am. Last I checked, my weight was 185lbs. Eh.... I've been bouncing around 181-185 for a little while now. There's been so many birthdays and get togethers lately. I still have this whole mentality of "fuck it" once I start eating something bad. I hope to work on that and decrease how often it happens.

My gym recently closed so I haven't been able to work out lately. I did buy some Groupons recently for kickboxing and yoga. I'm looking to start them once all the celebrating, etc. is over which will be soon. I'm going to Boston next weekend so that'll be interesting. For me, once I go to new places I want to try every food imaginable that they have. I went there last year so I kind of know what to expect but last year I only stayed for a night. This time I'm leaving Thursday and coming back on Sunday. I want to go to a couple restaurants that we don't have in NYC like the Cheesecake Factory & PF Changs. Since both me and my boyfriend have been stuck at about the same weight for awhile, we'll most likely share, especially since we're broke lol. Anyway, I'm rabbling. Talk to you guys later :)

New year, new food plan, new me

2012-01-23T18:00:00.002-05:00

So I realized that I haven't wrote on her since last year. That's a long time. For those of you that follow my Youtube Channel, I have been making videos.So here are some updates.

Food
As of January 1st I have started eating clean. For more detailed information check out Eat Clean Diet. I have been doing amazingly on it. I have been eating 5 meals a day, every 3 hours. I try to cook once or twice a week for the entire week. I've been somewhat struggling with all the grocery shopping I have to do but I think it's because all of this is fairly new to me. I've been using a lot of things faster then I expected.

Some of my staple items that I get from Trader Joe's are: crunchy unsalted PB, nonfat yogurt, ff cottage cheese, ezekiel bread, whole grain wraps, milk, ground turkey and bananas (can't beat 19cent each!) From my local grocery store I usually get whatever veggies or fruit are on sale.

I want to switch over to grass fed beef and grain fed chicken and eggs, etc. I've looked into FreshDirect recently and they have some options so I might end up ordering my meat, etc. from them but first I want to compare it to Trader Joe's. I'm also not sure if all of Trader Joe's stuff is naturally feed, like I know they're hormone free but idk if that means they're fed natural. I might email them to find out.

Compulsive Overeating & OA
Now that I have my awesome food plan, my compulsive overeating (COE) hasn't reared it's ugly head which is great. There were two days that I ate more then I should have, such as a potluck dinner in which I ate 2 and a half slices of cake and then a baby shower at my internship in which I ate some stuff I shouldn't have (chips, crackers & cheese). But aside from those two times there haven't been any other time and even those weren't so bad. I just made it two of my meals and just ate my next scheduled meal. So to date, I've been 23 days abstinent from COE! That's the longest ever and I'm not stressing those two events or going to count them against me because I did stick to my food plan, maybe not as strictly as I could have but I stuck to it. For the first event, I told myself one plate, which I did but I just didn't factor the cake into the equation. The second event, I told myself one plate and no cake. I stuck to the no cake and the one plate, became one and a half. So not so bad.

As far as steps in OA go, I'm still on step 4. It's super lengthy and I've been dragging my feet through it. Now that I'm back in school, I'm going to have to force myself to do it. I've also been slacking on attending my online meetings and I want to try harder. I think that now that I've been abstinent and have this great food plan, I feel like hey I don't need to do OA! but I know I need too, but these whole food thing is way deeper then just my food plan. And who knows what I might feel tomorrow or some day down the line that is going to make me want to eat my weight in food. So I must continue working on my recovery regardless of how many abstinent days I have.

Weight
January 1st, I weighed myself and I was 193.5lbs. Gross! I always told myself that 180lbs would be the highest I'd let myself go. But then between Thanksgiving and New Years, it was a constant parade of food into my stomach. Anyway, all of that is over and done with!

Today I weighed myself (even though I'm trying to only weigh myself every Wednesday). I weighed 184lbs. That's a loss of 9.5lbs! And in just 3 weeks. I feel great and I know the book said I should expect about 3lbs lost a week. So I'm super excited. I'm still aiming for 135lbs but we'll see what happens when I get lower and closer to my goal. If I continue to lose 3lbs a week, I'll get there in mid May, if I lose 2lbs a week I'll get there in June. So that's right around the corner. I can't wait.

Exercise
Because of my constant eating and lack of exercising at the end of the year I felt real eh about working out. Currently I have been aiming for working out three times a week and I hope to work back up to at least 5 times a week. There is a new 24 hour gym opening up near me. I joined them but it doesn't open until mid April. Until then I'll continue attending my old gym, which I do have to travel to but oh well, it's next to a Trader Joe's so it all works out :)

I want sugar!!

2011-12-11T21:02:00.001-05:00

So I just stopped reading for this paper I have due next Saturday. I already had my dinner with was some brown rice and steak w/bbq sauce. Now all I'm thinking about is having something sweet!! I have been spiraling downward in regards to food. I managed through Thanksgivings and leftover, then my birthday. But afterwards the craziness slowly came back. I've been eating pure crap lately. I've been eating junk food like chips and sweets from the corner store plus ordering out. Just yesterday I got tex-mex for dinner. Even today for lunch I had a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich with some chips and a swiss roll. I'm not even really hungry right now but I just want something sweet. Something with frosting, anything. I even went and scrapped the bottom of this cake my coworkers got me for my birthday. I scarped up and bottom and the harden frosting and ate it.

Right now, I'm not even beating myself up. I'm just frustrated with my thought process and how just because of what i had for lunch, i'm like screw it! Lets eat everything. Like I don't even have anything in the house that is worthwhile but I'm thinking about going outside to get some unneeded crap. I want to even ask my boyfriend to go outside for me. Isn't that crazy?! Like I know it's crazy but yet I'm still thinking about it. My head is still thinking of what I could get, how to get it, how much I could spend, etc. Luckily and thankfully I am able to be on here and write about these crazy thoughts in my head. I don't even know if anybody reads this or not and I guess truthfully I don't care. Because here, I get to talk about what drives me to eat and it helps with my recovery. I'm tired of my disease but I'm thankful for it in a way because it has lead and force me to start to become a better person and treat myself and others better. It's a constant struggle and progress takes time. Especially when you have so much else on your plate.

My last day of class is next Saturday. I'm planning on ordering the eat-clean diet books for me & my bf. I'm also planning on focusing on working and finishing my 4th step inventory. There are a lot of questions, but I'm ready to push forward with my recovery. I'll also have the time to focus on put towards writing more and digging deeper. The eat-clean diet, I'll be started January 2nd. I know I can't start it Jan 1st since I usually stay at my parents house until like 4 or 5am so my eating won't be too great that day since it'll be thrown off by sleep. I plan on buying everything I'll need and reading those books as well before the new year. I'm ready to be healthy, saner and a smaller person.

Is all of this necessary?

2011-11-30T20:45:00.001-05:00

I'm so pissed right now. My birthday is this weekend and it feels like ppl at work are stressing it more then I am. I have my supervisor who I didn't invited because 1) I CAN'T STAND his ass and 2) he's my supervisor. So anyway, Monday I typed up what I had planned and gave it to a handful of coworkers since I don't have them on facebook, where I sent out the invites. So this mofo sees one of the sheets on their desk and makes a copy. I wasn't there but one of my coworkers told me. So today i go into work and find this:

So whatever, I just took a picture of it and put it in my bag. I didn't mention it to him and he didn't get a chance to ask about it since I was in and out of the office today. Then on top of that I heard the other supervisor for the other unit was mad I didn't invite her either. Like ummm bitch, i've been there for 3 years and I've never invited you anywhere what makes you think this year is different?! So that was super annoying. Then I also invited a bunch of ppl from that same unit. I don't really like them as a whole because they are way too much when they're all together. So originally I only invited just a few ppl from my job but figured I'd be nice and invited everybody since I always invite them for my birthday and I figured it wasn't that serious. Another coworker also has her birthday the same day as mine (this upcoming Sunday). I invited her to mine like a month or more ago. But recently i found out that this chick is doing stuff on the same day as me. I think they're all planning on coming to my house for Friday. I really don't want them there and would prefer if they went to the bar instead.

This whole birthday thing has me stressed. then today my closest coworker texts me to tell me that some of the "normal" ppl I invited from my unit aren't going to come(after the they told me they would). I know he didn't mean anything by telling me, but it's just making me stress it more, like I seriously don't care because at the end of the day these ppl are just my coworkers and even though their "normal" that doesn't make them anymore my friend then anybody else, nor the other unit all of whom I've known longer and have chilled outside of work with. So whatever.

I really needed to get that off of my chest because all i wanted to do right now was eat myself numb, which made no sense! I knew I had to write and get rid of all this emotion. All of this drama isn't necessary for my birthday, especially if I'm not stressing it. I don't care for some of ppl that I invited but I invited them because I'm nice so who cares if they come or not, as long as I did my nice duty of inviting them..... whatever goodnight....

Blog name change

2011-11-23T01:18:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog, if I can even do that. I'm taking any suggestions. I'm not as focused on becoming skinny as I used to be. Like yea I still want that, but I know it'll happen once I'm in recovery from my compulsive overeating and have working through the steps, etc. So I'm focused on healing more so then just getting skinny. So anyway, I'm taking any suggestions for possible blog titles.

Accepting myself

2011-11-22T16:54:00.001-05:00

Hello :)

This morning I woke up high off of life. I was super happy because yesterday was a great day. Yesterday I read some of the OA abstinence book, wrote, exercised, went to an online OA meeting when i got home. Then I went to therapy, food shopping then finished my paper when i got home. All of this, while eating what I said I would that morning to myself. So of course I felt great this morning, especially when the scale went back to 177.5lbs. This is the weight that it said last week Thursday. (After last thursday, my eat was horrible and the scale started saying 181lbs. ) So I was glad it went back to 177.5

Anyway, at work i was focused on doing my work and being productive since I didn't have school work looming over me. So I was doing a bunch of paperwork, getting things done. A coworker of mine went to my other coworker's candy jar and while she was opening it I asked for 3 candy corn packs (the small ones with like 7 candy corn in them). So of course she gave me some. Before I even started eating them I prayed, asking god to let me not go crazy. Of course this did not happen. I kept going back for me, sneaking them when no one was looking. i took a break from them and ate my scheduled lunch which was a quiche from trader joes since I was starving because candy corn has NOOO nutritional value whats so ever! And even after the quiche I still went back for me.

So the closer it got to when I leave work, the more lazy I started to feel. My plan was to go to the gym and do the 5:30pm cycling class followed my the 6:30pm step class. This plan has now went out the window and I think I'm just going to clean house, especially since its raining outside. It sucks that this candy binge has changed my whole mood and made me lazy. On the train home, I just kept thinking and even thoughts of getting fast food entered my head. I told myself that i had to come home and write about and get these emotions and thoughts out of my head.

I've been working on accepting myself for who I am and not being so hard on myself. I expect so much for myself and expect to do everything perfectly. i expect myself to get straight As in grad school, but come on now? So I've been loosen up on how hard I am on myself. In order for me to maintain my sanity i must continue to do what I'm doing which includes spending time with friends and tkaing a break every now and then. if this means I am a B student then oh well! Accepting this with school has been surprisingly easy. I'm now working on it with food. My convo with my therapist last night was helpful. I was mentioning how my eating was crazy and how after meditating on Sunday I ate like crazy. She said oh well, it happens. So I just told myself that. With food, its so much harder though because I'm so used to this cycle of eating "good" then slipping, beating myself up, eating over it, then back to eating good the next day or whenever I get out of my funk. So right now I'm telling myself that its ok, it was just some candy and it does not have to throw everything else off. I'm going to mess up every now and then and it's perfectly fine because I am human.

So here are some things that i've been doing to take care of myself. i did as my therapist mentioned and joined meetup.com. There are bunch of groups on there that I joined. there is one that does meditation so me and dwayne went on Sunday and meditated with them. it was cool. the first half, I sweated like crazy and thought I was going to pass out. I told my sponsor about it and she said that it was me letting go of a lot. So it felt good know thats why I was sweating like crazy, who knew? I also reached out to a nutritionist in my area so I can start that. She focused on natural foods and also knows a lot of those more holistic methods. I'm also trying to get back into playing video games. i did get to play for a little bit yesterday when I took a break from my paper.

i wnat to continue to do things for myself and give myself the space to make mistakes and to not do something productive because in my head I have such high standards for myself. I expect myself to constantly be doing something productive and I never take any conscious breaks.

So take care guys. Also check out my YT. I think the link is somewhere around here, if not just comment so i can post it lol. Also leave comments and click a couple links on here so maybe I get 10 cents or something. lol

Gaining some sense of sanity

2011-11-13T23:30:00.001-05:00

Hey guys,
Just wanted to update you all. So after being in the food lately because of all this emotional growth & learning I'm going through, I'm slowly coming back to sanity. I spoke to with my sponsor and we decided that me doing one thing a day related to OA would be best. Because I've been trying to do everything at once, which is impossible for me right now, then I would use that as an excuse to eat. I've also been learning about and exploring my identity in therapy so that's been a little hard and has me leaving there feeling real raw. But I've been honest with my therapist, my sponsor and myself about how it makes me want to eat. I hope I can start to use better coping skills as time goes on.

I really enjoy writing and this has helped. Also reading has been good. So I've started reading the OA abstinence book, which helps me remind me that I don't have to be perfect. I do need to start going back to face to face meetings because I need that social connection as well. With online meeting I don't get that same sort of connection. I also often tend to isolate myself and stay in my head a lot. Part of me wants more people in my life and another part of me can't stand people. But I do realize that I don't have much of a support system sad to say and that I need more supportive people in my life who can encourage and understand me. I have a lot of negative thinking in my head and my therapist says that in order for me to change that I need to get a new audience, meaning ppl i surround myself with. If these people are positive then it will help me start to tell myself those positive things as well. So I've been working on getting myself out there and not isolating myself during social events as I usually do. I usually just use food or alcohol to keep me company, instead of really interacting with ppl and getting to know them and vice versa.

Anyway, so aside from that big emotional piece. I've started taking lipo 6 her blacks ultra concentrate. Today is day 2 of me taking it. I do know that taking diet pills is a part of my disease and before WW I would use it as a way to deal with my weight since I didn't see food as the problem. But most recently when I was in the food and feeling real desperate & hopeless and after seeing a bunch of ads for in those lovely fitness magazines at the gym, I researched it. So anyway, i ended ordering it and got it in the mail. I'm not one to waste money nor quit something I've started. So I'm going to stick with it and my logic is that it'll just give me that additional calorie burn since I'll eat as best as I can and continue to work out. So we'll see. Some side effects that I think I've been having so far is dry mouth and feeling really hot. yesterday, idk why but I wore this body shaper that makes you sweat so I was burning up. I don't know if it was the body shaper or the lipo 6. today I've had little boughts of feeling super hot but it wasn't so bad. The appetite suppresant does work. Yesterday I was eating and didn't even want to finish my plate when it wasn't even full. Then I was out until like 3am and the last time I ate something sufficient was around 7pm and after that i just had some fun sized candy but not much. I didn't feel super tired either so it has been giving me some energy. From yesterday morning to this morning, I've lost 1lb. But that could just be water weight since I've been eating like crap lately.

Anyway I think I've covered everything. I'm off to bed in a few, I'm wiped out. Goodnight.

Just checking in

2011-10-19T23:41:00.000-04:00

Hey guys,

Just wanted to check in. I've been struggling to get these extra pounds I've gain off. As of this morning I'm at 175.5. This weekend I did gain some water weight, maybe some regular weight also since I went to a birthday party and to a buffet on Sunday at Atlantic City. But I balanced it out by eating less throughout the rest of the day. But I guess bad food & alcohol always have an effect on your body regardless of how you "balance it out". So I'm thankful to be at 175.5 because for a little while I was 179ish pounds. That was scary since I never want to cross the 180 threshold again. I can't wait until i can say that about 170.

I'm still working on the food. I'm up to step 4 in OA. That's pretty scary and exciting at the same time. Step 4 is basically taking a moral inventory of yourself, basically going through your WHOLE life and just figuring stuff out, etc. So it's pretty deep. I'm excited to do this and tap into all of those emotions I suppressed and basically ate, but it's also scary because it's unknown. Oh I've also returned to therapy, so that with step 4 has been very helpful and I've been able to not binge eat for a couple of days now. Today is a semi exception though. I had planned on having a morning snack which was this berry mango bran muffin, but this morning i saw it was spoiled. so I moved all my other food up but was super hungry, so i decided to instead of the muffin have plaintain chips, but I guess my disease figures "hey, you're eating something that isn't planned, lets continue this" So I did end up eating some unplanned bananas and some mozarella cheese since my dinner did nothing for me. But anyway, I don't feel bad about it since I was hungry so I'm guessing my food plan for the day was sufficient for me and my body told me that but my disease wanted to run with it.

Anyway, so onto exercise. I had bought this deal on Tippr for unlimited workout classes for a month at this gym in the city. So I started Monday, when i took Ab Blast. Let me tell you, I am still sore! Yesterday i took their stiletto workout class (which you're suppose to wear stilletos for but I didnt know) and then cardio kickboxing. My body is sore from that also. I love it!! I'm still going to try to get in my regular workouts at my gym when I can't fit in one of their classes, thats if the soreness ever stops! lol

I'm hoping to lose at least 15lbs by my birthday which is Dec 4th. I think it's doable, especially if I continue eating healthy and all of that. I haven't been tracking my food as I should, but I do plan on getting back to that hopefully this week. I do need to cook and that might be why I haven't been tracking. But I definitely need to get back to it. Currently my food plans have just been based off of what I want to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then my usual snacks thrown in. It's how I've always eating so I know I'm not doing too bad in the calorie department but I don't know which direction I'm leaning in. Idk if tracking helps or doesn't help my binge eating, but it does help me plan my food for the day better because I use a site that tracks nutrients also so thats helpful.

Thanks for reading guys. Also if you guys could help me out by clicking a couple of links on my blog. That will truly help. You don't have to buy anything, just click a couple of links then close them out :)

Just an update

2011-09-27T19:38:00.000-04:00

I've changed the layout of my blog. Thanks blogger, because now I want to actually update the blog lol. I've been so/so lately. I've just started school again, but also my internship. All while still working full time. Its been stressful, even though I've just been doing training for my internship. But I should be starting doing real work this week. Because of the trainings and feeling super overwhelmed, my eating of course has been out of hand. During the trainings, they'll have breakfast or give us lunch. So then if I messed up by eating their breakfast or something I wasn't suppose to, I'll continue that throughout the day. Even today, it happened. there was a container of blueberry scones on my cafeteria table at work. It started as just one with my scheduled lunch of a bagel with cream cheese. Then I went back more, which ended u being 3 more. Then I bought a chocolate candy bar from my coworker. And even now as I write this, I contemplate going outside to buy something sweet from the corner store. But thats my sugar addiction. It started with the scones and has spiral downward. I didnt even feel the urge to go to the gym today, which sucks. I hope & pray that i feel like exercising tomorrow. today instead of going to the gym, I stayed home to look through my book of recipes to look for stuff to cook for dinner or lunch. Anyway, I just felt like updating you guys. Idk what my weight is, I'm scared to get on the scale, since last week it was 175lbs. So I guess I'm just waiting for my eating and exercise to get back to where it was, so I can start losing weight again. I'm tried of overeating and having all this extra weight and water weight on me. Anyway later guys.

The hopelessness

2011-07-25T18:14:00.002-04:00

Hey guys,

I haven't posted on here in awhile. I've been trying to work the OA steps more so and part of the tools is writing. i have a notebook I carry with me to do so. I also have been updated my LJ. I was about to post on there but then I realized that I have people on here that surprisingly follow my blog lol and that writing on here regarding my OA journey would be better.

I have compeleted all the questions for step 1. I'm about to start step 2. I'm glad to be moving forward with the steps.

Right now, well lately, i've been binging =/ I went on vacation with the family to Niagara falls. the vacay was from Wednesday, returning Saturday. Wed & Thursday I did fine, ate as I planned. Then Friday came and we had planned to go to the outlets. I didn't really plan my food out, just said I would have 3 meals with indian possibly as my dinner. So for breakfast I had a falafel pita sandwich, which was SUPER filling! Walking around the mall & walking back through the food court, I noticed a frozen yogurt place that actually mixed the fruit or whatever topping with the yogurt. So I got a small pina colada non fat one. Then there was much hoopla about what was for lunch with my sister suggesting applebees, my father saying he want pizza, me saying I want indian for dinner & my mother saying she's not hungry. So eventually my father just ordered a pizza pie and I had 2 slices and that was considered my lunch. Then for dinner I had the indian food, which wasn't so good.

Saturday was the day we were heading back. It was attrocious food wise. For breakfast we did Mcdonalds. I ordered a mcgriddle & 2 hash browns. Turns out I ordered the wrong mcgriddle. i wanted the sausage, egg & cheese one & instead ordered the sausage mcgriddle. I ate it then went back and ordered the one I wanted. How great right? smh Then while driving, we went to KFC. I had 2 fried drumsticks & 3 biscuits with jelly. Got home, and ended up having Taco Bell's XXL steak burrito. I might have ate more stuff in between all that but can't remember off the top of my head.

Yesterday, sunday was beach & city island day. There was no ordered to my food yesterday. I had 2 eggs with cheese & turkey bacon for breakfast, but then me & my bf bought some donuts & 2 bags of chips to take with us to the beach. We snacked on that for awhile. At the beach my mother said she had made sandwiches and told me this one was especially for me. She said that it was for me because she put extra mayo because she knows I like extra mayo. I was like ma, I don't even eat mayo like that. Then she started talking about how I would go to mcdonalds & ask for extra mayo(which i dont remember ever doing, esp not at mcdonalds). That had me kind of pissed. It was like so disrespectful. Like she has no sense of the fact that i'm making a change to how I eat. Like she has no consideration about it or whatever. I just continued eating throughout the day.

Even before leaving for the beach, me & the bf were watching this documentary called "fat,sick & nearly dead". Its about a guy that goes on a vegetable juice fast in order to change his health. So even while watching that I binged. I guess in a way I binged because it made me realize how far I have to go and how much my eating needs to change. the documentary talked about micronutrients & macronutrients and how micro is all the nutrients from fruit, vegetables and nuts basically and macro is everything else. After the movie, me & my bf are now thinking about doing it. My only issue is if this is just another tactic of my disease to get me to obsess about food. the other side of me though is like, this would help with my food obsession because then food wouldnt be an issue. But then it's like food is an issue for me regardless & idk if doing a juice fast would solve that or just help me avoid it for the time being. Another point mentioned in the movie was that it changes the person's palate and they no longer crave all that crap food anymore. That sounds like a good thing for me. i don't want to "salivate" everytime I see food on tv or hear about some food going on sale or whatever. i would love to get sick everytime I thought of or ate crap food. That would keep me from it so maybe doing a juice fast would help with all that because my body wouldn't be able to tolerate crap anymore.

I just wonder about once the juice fast is over, like what did the guy eat. Because, like I've done the shakeology cleanse and lost about 4lbs during that but it came right back once I started eating regularly. But with this juice fast, or I might do the shakeology again, maybe the whole going back to eating regularly is the problem. I'm thinking that maybe slowly adding more food to your day, such as fruit & veggies would be best but idk, shit who am I? I'm going to do more research on it. The two guys in the movie did a 60 day juice fast. That seems pretty intense, but imagine just drinking fruits & veggies for 60 days, whose going to want a big mac after that? or even need as much food to get full as before? It seems interesting.

I'm glad I actually blogged. It definitely helps with the obsessive food thinking that I have. I just finished coming back from the store. I had bought a bag of orange slices and was crazy eating them while walking home, mind you its like 4 blocks from my house. I eventually threw the bag away(thank god), but I still ate a whole lot of orange slices before I did. And me buying them was just stupid & crazy to begin with because I knew how I would react to them. I hate my disease. i hate that I do not have a normal relationship with food, I hate that i obsess about food 24/7, that if I'm not thinking about how to get it, where to get it and for cheap, I'm thinking about how to manage my intake or get around my binging, etc. Its exhausting and leaves no time for anything else. I want to live and this is not life. thinking about food ALL the time is not life! I'm tired of it. I pray that my sanity comes back and that obsession lifts. I'm going to continue working the OA program as best as I can because as many fellows(ppl in OA) say, keep coming back & it works if you work it. There has to be some truth in that because if there wasn't, there wouldn't be so much success & peace among so many fellows. Pray for me guys, pray that I become more willingess to let go of my disease. I'll pray for that also. Anyway, let me not scare yall with my holy talk lol. Thanks for reading, if anybody reads this at all. Have a goodnight.

Rabblings of an Overeater

2011-05-16T09:17:00.002-04:00

Morning world.

I just got to work. I woke up and got on the scale. First time: 173.5lbs. Second time(after showering): 1764.5lbs. Mind you last week Monday morning I weighed 173.5lbs. i did the 3 day shakeology cleanse and by Thursday morning I was 169.5lbs! So now I'm pissed because it's like it was all for nothing.

So let me rewind to last week. I worked out Monday-Saturday. My cleanse ended Wednesday night. I had did Zumba and afterwards, my friend was hungry so we went to a bakery. I bought 2 things(which is a HUGE downgrade for me) and took them home to eat later in the week. Me & my boyfriend shared it on Thursday. Idk if thats when it started, but Thursday I ate 30pts(1pt over my daily limit).

Then Friday came and guess what? The stupid mother fucking (excuse my language) Girl Scout cookies I ordered came in! I order 3 boxes(again less then I originally wanted to order), 2 were samoas and one was tagalongs. I got them from my coworker at like 9:30am so of course, right away i opened the box like a kid on christmas and I ate like 2 cookies. Then I went online to WW's site, tracked it and it was 4pts. but then for the next hour or two i kept thinking cookies! cookies! so eventually I ate 3 more. Idk what it was, my other coworkers were all fiending for cookies & kept talking about them, which sorta led to my binge. And for me, once I pop, I can't stop I guess. So anyway, I ended up eating more cookies at work & at home, with a grand total of 60pts for the day. Isn't that grand?

Saturday. Start of summer semester at the crack of dawn. I brought my my lunch and then worked out afterwards. I was fine until I got home. I got hoem & was broed, then stressing over my class because theres so much work to do! Also the plan for Saturday night was to go to a birthday party. I just kept thinking & thinking about it because I know at parties I tend to overeat. There was also a street fair down the block from me. I went to get a shish kebab. Then i was stuck home for dumb long waiting for my bf to get home so we can leave. So ate, but I still had weekly points left for the party and I figured I'll have 2 drinks and some crackers 7 cheese since thats all the bday boy serves usually. But then we went out & found out the party was for next week. i was disappointed because I had already planned on drinking & eating. So then I was on a mission, a mission to eat, even though I wasn't hungry. All the deli's had their grills off so i couldn't get what I wanted which was a chicken wrap. So instead we went to Mcdonalds. I complained the entire time, about the food being fake, etc. but yet I still rodered a grilled chicken ranch blt & a mcdouble!, We also shared a small fries. I ended the night with a beer, mind you it was 1am.

So whatever. Sunday. Sunday it was like I said fuck it and ate any and everything. I made guacamole from this kit I bought at Trader Joes. Then started to eat that, just not caring. It went downhill from there. I ate onion rings from TJ. Then me & the bf went out to get food. i got my chicken wrap. It had chicken, turkey bacon, cheddar cheese & honey mustard. It was delicious. After that i still ate. Around 9pm I binged on crackers & cheese and had like 4 servings. Even while eating, I was pissed at myself, like stop eating!

So anyway, this morning when I got on the scale, it all hit me. this back & forth is because of my eating. My weight is because of my food addicition. I need help, because I can't do this on my own. I've tried to outsmart my illness but it doesn't work. I've been eating the overeaters anonymous book and it has people's stories in them. They all talk about serenity, and letting go of resentments and being abstinent. i want that, so desperately. i don't want to think about food every waking moment. i don't want to eat a piece of cake & feel like I'm going crazy because I want to or need to eat the whole thing. I'm tired of my illness. But yet idk how to be any other way. I can eat fine and be satisified but let something happen and it all goes to hell and my disease takes over and I just eat & eat without caring if I'm hungry or not. it's beyond my control. the afterwards I beat myself & feel like shit. But I'm sick, I truly am. I feel like because of my food addiction, i can't lead a normal life. Everything i do I think of food, or revolves around food in someway. I work out to work off the food I eat, or to give me a cushion so I can eat more. I wish I could just work out to work out, even though most days thats what i do, btu let the weekend come and its like shit I worked out all week, why not?

So I said the serenity prayer this morning to get me back in the frame of mind that i need to go back to OA. I think I'll go to a meeting tomorrow. i desperately need a sponsor because I want to work through the steps. I want to be free from mya ddiction. i want serenity. I want freedom from this craziness! I'm also going to see if I can go back to therapy with my old therapist. Because for some reason i cannot let my eating habits go or change, nor allow myself to actual accept that i don't need food the way i always thought i did.

I hope I find peace soon.....

Incapacitated

2011-03-04T17:31:00.002-05:00

On Tuesday I went to the gym, did some cardio on the treadmill. I wanted to go on the elliptical afterwards but since it was rush hour at the gym, they were all full. I ended up doing the weight training machines. I guess I over did it or something, but Wednesday afternoon this pain in my knee started. It continued the entire day and then the next morning it was worse. I still have the pain now, its not as bad at yesterday though but still hurts.

Since I got the pain, I haven't been able to work out since everything involves my knee. This sucks. I'm frustrated. On Monday I ate more then I expected but I tracked. Usually when I eat more, I work out to earn activity points to balance it but now I can't. I'm also celebrating my anniversary tomorrow so I'm upset that I don't have the cushion I usually give myself. So I guess I'm just frustrated that things aren't going as planned. I was going to work out everyday this week except for mon since thats when i went to dinner for my friend's birthday.

This frustration, etc. is just making me think about food more. I'm not used to being immobile. Like I've been stuck at home everyday after work since wed. Its sucks. I'm not used to this. I want to go workout, I want to do stuff.

Even now, my friend texted me before asking if I could go with her to a restaurant so she can try it. I want to go, but I want to go because 1) it'll get me out the house and 2) its food! I texted her back to ask how expensive it was since I kinda dont have any money but I sure do have credit cards. aarggg I hate how my mind works sometimes. I'm so eager for any reason to eat or anything that I'm tempted to text her back before she responds to say that I'm down to go. But I'll wait. Patience is not my strong point and thats been the reason for my downfall in weight loss and a lot of other places in my life.

I'm glad that I'm blogging to just get it all out of my head because in my head all of this stuff just spirals around and downward. While on the train going home, I was just thinking about rushing home for a planned serving of crackers & cheese. But then i realized that eating my trigger food while in this mood of wanting to binge would not be a good thing. I decided to blog before I ate so that way it wouldnt be such an emotional thing.

Anyway I'm done writing. I'm going to go put ice on my knee and try to forgive myself for getting injured & not feel that its gonna make me gain, etc.

Want to binge

2011-03-02T20:15:00.002-05:00

Hey guys,

I haven't posted on here in a long time. I recently joined Overeaters Anonymous because I've come to terms with the fact that I have a problem with food. I sometimes binge on food and i have no control over it. Anyway, right now I want to binge, well continue to binge. I went over my points today by 8pts. It originally started with me eating about 1oz of beef sausage that my mother gave me last week. that was 2pts which put me over points by 1pts, then I had a stick of cheese (for those that know me, cheese is my biggest weakness). Then I went back and had another stick, then I went and had cracker barrel cheese cuts with crackers. I want to go back for another servings of crackers and cheese.

Instead I decided to blog, because writing is on of the OA tools. Of course the reason I want to binge isn't at the forefront of my mind right now but hopefully through writing I'll be able to figure it out. Because I do not feel hungry, but yet my head is like "more, more!" its like another servings or even three servings isn't going to change anything because obvious its something else besides hungry that is driving me to eat. I hate the fact that food sometimes controls me, that its like I'm pulled to it without even being present mentally. Like in my head I could easily see myself finishing off the rest of the cheese and then i feel so helpless.

this past week I've been very emotional or sad or whatever. I'm starting to think that I cannot have any communication with my mother, idk. Its like everytime I speak to her, I want to cry because I get upset, I feel smothered because my voice is never heard, all my choices are questioned. It just feels like she never see nor hears me. Then she says things that are dismissive, like she told me to forget my boyfriend's birthday party because we should sing happy birthday to my sister instead. And she doesn't see a problem with saying things like that. But yet to me they go to my core. Its like really? do you even know me? Its so fucking annoying. Maybe thats why I want to binge, i don't want to feel this, because shit, my whole life I've avoided feeling this, I've avoiding facing the truth about how much my mother hurts me constantly. My whole life I've made myself numb from overeating. So I guess now I have to get used to feeling, even though it sucks & is going to make me crave to go back to my usual coping mechanism which for me is overeating.

This whole process sucks, I wish I would just turn it off and be able to "eat normally" and think normally regarding food. But no, I have a disease and I'm obsessed with food. i think about food ALL day! I look for any reason to eat or overeat. I look for specials on food because shit I guess I think cheaper food is ok for me to gorge on. I also look for any reason to overeat, like going away, going out for events, etc. Its like I feel I have a free pass from eating properly and its like ok order everything on the menu while you can.

Next week I'm going out Friday for my coworker's birthday so I think we're doing $35 three course meals, but why does the one I'm getting a 1lb steak? Like 1lbs? thats crazy. I'm picking that because everything else is seafood(which I don't like) or pasta(which I love but know its not too healthy) so I figured steak. So of course I'm trying to plan ahead and I'm worried about eating a whole pound of steak. Then that weekend I'm going to Boston from saturday night to sunday night. So of course I'm thinking: FOOD, FOOD and more FOOD. my boyfriend has looked up the restaurants that man vs. food visited there cuz he wants to go there. so of course I did the same and I'm worried that once again, my free pass mentality is going to kick in. Like I know I can indulge myself every now and then, but very often I overindulge, one meal isn't just one meal and I'll end up eating all day back to back because shit I have a free pass. I need to continue to remind myself that every meal has a beginning and a end.

Aaarggg I'm frustrated. I think for the rest of the night I'll have to fight the voice in my head thats telling me to eat. I'm also stressed because I have two papers due next Saturday. One is fairly easily but I've been procrastinating and the other I have to do a lot of reading for. Shit life is stressful without the comfort of overeating, life is more real without being numb the entire time. But if I'm able to feel the bad emotions, I'm also able to feel the good ones and I'm looking forward to that. I want to be able to connect with people and enjoy the moment without constantly thinking about food. Most of the time, I'm not even hungry for food. I'm hungry for much much more....

anyway, I think I'm done venting or whatever this way. I do feel slightly lighter but that lil voice in my head is still saying "crackers & cheese", but I have to understand that its just temporarily, because I'm working on bettering myself. anyway, about to go brush my teeth & take my multivitamin so that way my body can know that I'm done eating...

Also PS: I'm 170lbs as of Monday =D

Getting back to the internet, somewhat...

2010-03-11T22:10:00.002-05:00

Hey. I know its been like 2 months now. I have dropped the ball on this whole internet thing. My youtube videos are far in between and every farther in between are my blogs on here. I've been so busy. I've been trying so hard to lose the weight I gained in cancun & the weigh I gained from before. I miss my low weight of 165. But anyway according to last weigh in I'm 177.2lbs, so I'm 12lbs away from my lowest. Imma try to get there in a month, maybe two.

Lately my schedule consists of working and Tues, Wed & Thurs: going to the gym afterwards. On the weekends I have been hanging out with friend, just enjoying not having to work. But last Saturday I made it to the gym, making that my 4th day that week at the gym. So that felt good, also the gym was quiet empty on Saturday so I might do that more often. I also started personal training. So far I have only had 2 sessions because the weather and my trainers schedule has been against me. But hopefully starting next week it'll be every week. The sessions have been intense and the 3 days afterwards my entire body has been sore so I love it! lol When I'm sweating my butt off during those sessions, I think about how my body is gonna be sore so that motivates me cuz I cant wait until I have the muscle definition everywhere.

what else should I talk about? ummm...... oh my food has been semi good. I've been trying to plan in advance. My breakfast is pretty standard, usually its one of two options. First being 1cup cereal w/ half a cup of soy milk, which usually works out to about 3.5 or 4.5pts. Second option is 1/2cup of egg beaters w/veggies (either broccoli or asparagus) & some seasoning salt, which is 1pt. Its more if I add cheese. Also sometimes i have egg beaters w/some cheese & turkey sausage or kielbasa on the side. The rest of my day varies, bases on how I feel.

Like right now I have two dinner options, either ground turkey & bean tostadas(flat hard shell taco basically) or rice w/chicken & cauliflower. So it all depends on whats in pts budget & what I'm carving.

My personal trainer told me to cut my pts by 2 everyday, so since I get 24pts from weight watchers,l I've been trying to eat a max of 22 a day. It's been going so/so. For today I've eaten 20pts but I wont be eating anything else for the day. So some days I'm under, some days over, etc. but hey thats what those 35 extra are along with activity points.

This weekend should be challenging. Tomorrow I'm going out to dinner for my anniversary but I'll make healthy choices, if not dip into those extra pts. Saturday hopefully I'm able to work out at the gym. That night I have 2 parties, which equals food & liquor so I'll see how that goes. I cant wait for weigh in though, cuz I wanna get far far away from 178 and 180 because at one point I kept bouncing around them two weights. I've updated my weigh ins on the right, so yall can see my progress or lack there of lol.

anyway I'm out. I really shoulda been typing my personal statement for my grad school application instead of typing this blog but oh well... goodnight!

New Year but now what?

2010-01-13T18:02:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone. Idk if any of yall have been keeping up with my youtube videos or what. But I have definitely not been consistent with making them, nor following program. I am currently 179.8lbs, which totally sucks. Ever since the new year and b4 then I have been trying to get back on track but it seems like things get in the way. So In dec, my bday is the 4th, then its followed by a bunch of other bdays in my family, then the holidays. Now the new year is here and I have been trying to get back on track, which has been super hard, esp since I'm going to cancun next. The thing with cancun, is that it's all inclusive, so that means all the food and drinks I can have. So right now my mentality is, why the fuck should I stay on track if next week I'm going to eat w.e I want? If next week i know I'm gaining, etc. I mean I know I shouldnt think like that yada yada, but logically, like even if I lose 1lb this week, next week i might gain 5 so why dont I wait. but shit just now i realized that if i do lose 1lb this week and gain 5 next week, that would just be a gain of 4 from now. But eh idk. I guess it just seems like i wanna eat as is. I haven't been tracking points this week. I leave Sat which is like 3 days from now, so i'm thinking is it going to make a difference?

Aaarrggg I hate this weight loss journey. Today one of my clients asked me if I was pregnant. I guess thats cuz the weight gain definitely shows on me. I still cant believe I have gained like 15lbs!! I'm so upset with myself, but I really need to just get over it. Maybe I should wait until I come back from Cancun and start fresh. By then I think I would have had enough of food, etc.... idk!! I'm even back to weighing a girdel cuz my stomach is all over the place now. Also I'm going to have a colonic done on the 30th to clear out my system. Hopefully that will cause some weight loss. Another thing, in cancun the hotel has a fitness center so I plan working out there plus walking around a lot. So that should keep my weight gain down.

Ok now that I've had time to talk and vent my frustration I've realized that even if it is 2 days, I will do my best to stay on track while I'm home. I need to get back into the happen of making good choices and eating right. Wish me luck & I'll hopefully write when I get back from cancun.

Inner fat girl

2009-09-02T19:57:00.001-04:00

So right now im fighting the urge to binge. i want to eat any and everything right now. my inner fat girl is dying to eat up the kitchen. i wonder when does this fight end? soon? never? aarrgg! maybe im not eating enough during the day and thats why im starving now. but idk how to include more food during the day. after my like 3.5pt breakfast im not hungry. then i have a 2pt snack or something 2/3hrs later. then theres lunch which is usually 6pts. after that maybe ill have another 1/2pt snack. but when i get home, the first thing i wanna do is eat. idk why. maybe its because im not getting enough food. if only the answers were so easy to get. but my inner fat girl is missing the good ole days. ive been reminising about all my full fat eating days lol. i miss buying pizza burgers or big tray of ziti, or lunch special chinese food, etc. anyway whatever. maybe one day ill eat one of those things. one day outta a good week maybe. i now know that i cant eat the way i used to, everyday. but i do need to allow myself to indulge every once in awhile. this week hasnt been a great great week but my indulge is alcohol, next week its going to be all u can eat pasta @ olive garden lol. ok laters guy.

Mental

2009-09-01T22:05:00.002-04:00

Sorry guys that I haven't been writing on here or really activate in my blogging. I've been so eh since coming back from vacation and finding out that I should be moving out soon. I'm kinda waiting to move so that I can get myself back together. But anyway, yesterday was weigh in. I weighed in at 169.4lbs! I'm .4lbs away from 40lbs which means I get to pierce my nose! whoo hoo! The week before this one, I lost 4.4lbs. I dont know how it happened but I think it was because I was weighing very light clothes, while I usually wearing like jeans or slacks. That week I wore like leggings and a t-shirt. So after seeing that i was so close to my 40lbs I tried really hard to stay on track. But lately I've been on this whole, eat whatever thing. Like I don't over do it but I just eat until I'm satisfied or whatever and stop. I don't want to make this a habit and I'm trying to lessen how often I do it. Like today i trackers but then I had some lil food here and there. like I ate 2 bites of my bf's steak and I had like half a potato out of this soup my mother made. Supposely I'm suppose to track that but eh!

Anyway to the title of this post. I've been thinking lately that maybe losing weight is more of a mental thing for females then it is for men. Mind you I'm only using my boyfriend and myself as samples or whatever. But I see that with me, I'm like thinking into the future about my eatings habits. I've analyzed what happened in the past to cause my eatings, etc. With my boyfriend he's like whatever. He doesn't really think about long term (but maybe that's just a genetically male trait, who knows). But it's like he's not thinking about weight loss as deeply as I am. It sometimes frustrates me because i'm like "look at it like this or this", "exercise more", yada yada and he's like eh whatever. But then god forbid he sees a gain on that scale or sees that he's been within the same 5lb range for the past 2 month, then he gets all sad. Idk, i wonder if its a man thing to just be so whatever about it, and not look into weight loss so deeply. Like I understand that my eating stems from my family, emotions, etc. and I think if he understood his eating then it would help. But maybe thats just me lol and like usual, men will just not understand.

Anyway thats my thought for the day. Goodnight!

Back from vacay....

2009-07-30T22:43:00.003-04:00

So I'm back, I got in this morning at 8am, and went str8 to work. It was definitely not a good day food wise. A woke up at 3:30am so that i could be at the airport for my 6am flight. Oh let me back track, my flight was set to leave yesterday but was canceled SEVERAL times! So anyway I ended up having brekafast at the airport, it was delicious but horrible nutritional wise. It was a ham sandwich on a bagel, so in it was 2 slices of cheddar cheese, about 3 slices of bacon, lettuce, tomato and mayo. It tasted awesome lol. I finished it off with half a pecan roll, smh!

Anyway so today is my last fat-full day! I'm back to my regular schedule and back to my regular eating and not regular pre-WW eating. I know I messed up on my vacation and I can't place the blame on anybody but myself. I'm the one that wanted milkshakes almost day. So now I need to recup from my eating frenzy, it's like I'm an addict and I just had a 2wk binge. But eh it's nothing Ican't bounce back from. I still have plenty good food and low point food for me to eat. And I plan on going to the gym Saturday morning. Even if you fall off, ALWAYS get back on the horse!

Food while on vacay

2009-07-26T19:53:00.001-04:00

i feel so fat. my vacation is almost done, but i know i havent been making wise choices. ive been overeating and over-indulging. i cant wait for my vacay to be over on thurs so i can go back to regular eating. i feel like iver gained 10lbs, which is gross. i just feel disgusting and ive been muffin topping more then usual. i hope i havent undone some of the work ive done. but once i get back imma work twice as hard to stay on plan and lose all this weight. it also sucks that my aunt didnt say "oh daisy, you look so skinny", which i thought she shoulda since i was at least 20lbs heavier last time she saw me. eh.....

Vacation

2009-07-18T22:44:00.002-04:00

So here I am in FLorida, stealing internet from a neighbor. I'm disgusted with myself. We went to a BBQ at my godsis' house today. So its whatever, I didn't do great you know but its ok. We get back home at like 10pm or so. My godsis had made a really big pan of lasagna for us to take. When we get home my mother is like are u gonna eat some? I'm like idk, if anything imma just eat a little bit.Not even 15mins later, she's like "daisy you're gonna eat lasagna right?" I'm like "no" she: "oh, because I served you a plate already" me: "what? why?.... which plate?" (meanwhile staring at this plate that has a ridiculous amount of lasagna on it, I swear it was about 3lbs+ of lasagna) I was so upset that my mother did that. She then warmed it up and I ate about half of it.

But wait here's the frosting on the cake. My mother, she just had a plate of rice with sardines, etc. After she finished that plate, she takes the leftover lasagna from what I shoulda ate and starts eating it! So I asked her: "Ma, why you eating lasagna? You still hungry?" She: "No." Me: "So why are you eating it? Throw it away. You shouldn't be eating if you're not hungry." I said that and left the room but I saw that she still ate some.

I hate it! Like shit I shoulda taken my own damn advice instead of being forced to eat food by my mother who has her own issues with food. she ate the rest of the lasagna because she doesn't want to waste it. Like please, shove it in the fridge and call it a day, it's not like we're leaving tomorrow. But idk that whole incident has fucked me up. I'm like all depressed now and I wish I could throw up the food I just ate. Its like on this vacation, everything I've learned has went out the window. But I have to admit, that's been the case even b4 my vacation.

I've been justing eating to eat, even if it's within my points value. I've stopped evaluating if I'm seriously hungry, if I'm full, etc. I can't wait to go back and do everything right. I'm also gonna start doing better now and do a way better job at portion control because the portions I've been eating are ridiculous. Eh if I had time I would record a real YT video and put it up, but that seems like its too much work and I feel like I had ppl always hounding me to do something. eh! later ppl.

A better breakfast

2009-07-05T13:01:00.003-04:00

Why head out to McDonalds, Denny's, IHOP or anywhere else for breakfast, when you can have a better one at home.

First picture is all the ingredients. The cheese is 2% cheese. I bought everything from either Target or Stop & Shop. The second picture is after I made everything.

2 "eggs"= 1pts

2 waffles= 2pts

1 sausage= 2pts

3tbsp of syrup= 0pts

So instead of who knows how many points for take out breakfast, you can have a big 5pt breakfast with everything. =D

Weigh in Week 24 & 15 week challenge

2009-06-29T21:09:00.003-04:00

Hey guys. Today's weigh in went well. I weighed in at 173lbs. Which means I lost most of the weight I gained last week. So I'm excited. I didn't get to my 2nd 10% by the end of June :( but eh oh well, I'll get there soon. Also I really need to get back on my blogging grind lol. I see other people's blogs and they have pictures and all this other stuff. I think my blog if becoming wack eh, I spend to much time on youtube talking instead.

Anyway I joined a 15 week challenge. Its hosted by Amy. It sounds like loads of fun and I can't wait till I'm in the swing of things. Anyway now I'm off to record my youtube video and talk about random stuff lol.