Skirmisher

Sexual Positions For Those Without An Actual Sex Life

JB — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:32:31 PST

Just when you thought the left-handed stranger is all you’d ever be in your sad, sad life, you see these very helpful suggestions. Ain’t life so rich?

Orgy, The Board Game

JB — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:58:37 PST

Meanwhile, in the 1970s, when people were not having sex, or watching TV, they play board games, like this:

The exciting new indoor sport for people who love people. Orgy begins by choosing up sides (delightful custom) and centers around the “Porron” (translation: “to pour it on) filled with your favorite libation. Object of the game is to see which team achieves the longest trajectory for the longest time with the fewest spills.

All The Boys Love To Be Hugh Hefner

JB — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:28:44 PST

Hugh Hefner knows how much you’d kill to be in his pussy-humping shoes. He knows that so much that he doesn’t care his autobiography, released in September, is sold for $1300, which is like the value of a billion zillion actual Playboy magazines combined. Or three relatively cheap laptops. Or a surrogate grandmother who can occupy your porch and tell you stories while you stare at goats. But back to Hef’s autobio: it comes in six volumes, with 700 pages of “autobiographical text about Hef’s youth, army days, first attempts as a cartoonist, early career, girlfriends, and Playboy’s launch, illustrated by original Hefner artwork and cartoons, correspondence, and a huge selection of archival photos, many previously unpublished.” And who knows, maybe hidden in the folds of one of those 1500 limited edition copies is Hef’s advice on, uhh, true love!

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The Educational System Is Not Cat-proof

JB — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:58:11 PST

Oh, the cat-manity: “In several cases, pet animals (most often cats) have successfully been “enrolled” in suspected diploma mills in order to investigate or demonstrate the fraudulent nature of the degrees issued by those institutions.” Take, for example, Colby Nolan, housecat, and MBA degree holder.

Hey, Look, Papaya Sex!

JB — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:40:16 PST

Papayas come in three sexes: male, female, and hermaphrodite. Of the three, only hermaphrodites are useful — they’re the ones whose fruit you actually eat. But the males and females get in the way of total hermaphrodite domination, so biology professor Ray Ming, who just can’t stand it, is working on a $3.1-million grant to make sure only hermaphrodites see the light of day… Uhh, we’re still talking about the fruit, aren’t we?

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From Cuban Gynecologist To Local Car Salesman

JB — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:32:59 PST

From being a vagina doctor in Cuba to selling “pussy magnets” in the US, this Cuban gynecologist has come a long way.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Chinese Way Of Getting Bigger Boobs

JB — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:19:08 PST

This video contains Chinese girls with inexplicably big boobs… inexplicably, that is, until you see that little air pump button.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Grant Cornett’s Quirky “Nature Morte”

JB — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:06:16 PST

Oh, what a cute and breathtaking sight to behold a skinned mammal is!

From Grant Cornet’s “Nature Morte”

Dinosaur-shaped Condom, Sure, Why Not?

JB — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:34:21 PST

Thoughtful enough to actually issue a “disclaimer” that basically says “This doesn’t fucking work,” the makers of this dinosaur-shaped condom thought “Hey, what should we give to crusty old sexual fossils?” and decided the literal answer is the best answer. I know some people who would kill to have this on their wang.

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‘Doom’ Box Artist Is Dead

JB — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:25:14 PST

Don Ivan Punchatz designed the whole packaging and promotional materials for the video game Doom. He died of a heart attack on Oct. 11.

Because We Continue To Care Whether Or Not Somebody Actually Pays A Shitload Of Money For Something Tequila Keeps Free

JB — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:21:06 PDT

Natalie Dylan’s one-year saga of hawking the privilege of popping her cherry to anyone with a truckload of cash has now at last come near its conclusion:

“I feel good; it’s been over a year,” Natalie exclusively tells TheFABlife of her auction coming to a close. Life for Natalie has been quite a rollercoaster since she and Dennis kicked off the bidding on Howard Stern in September of 2008. After the announcement, a media circus followed, she joked that Barack Obama would be her ideal winner, and bidding for Natalie’s virginity reached up to $3.8 million, followed by offers for book and movie deals. After the highest bidder, an Australian businessman, reconciled with his estranged wife and pulled out of the auction, it now looks as though the deal is about to be done for $1 million.

For $1 million, that pussy better come with a free CIA-trained squirrel!

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Take That “Fresh Vaginal Scent” Anywhere You Go

JB — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:10:30 PDT

A German company called Vivaeros has launched a scent, Vulva Original. Nope, it’s NOT a perfume, just the “irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina.” Apparently, there’s a healthy consumer market consisting of people who want their fingers smelling of “sensuous vagina” all the time, anywhere they go, or wherever the need for a whiff of healthy pussy strikes them. We already wrote about this a couple of years ago, but this new link has pics!

“Meat Hand”: Something Gruesome And Delicious

JB — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 01:21:21 PDT

Made of meat loaf, ketchup, onions and cheese, this “meat hand” comes handy for whatever pagan food fest you engage in.

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Some Of The Weirdest Phobias

JB — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:53:57 PDT

If you have limnophobia, this breathtaking view of a serene lake would have given you the screaming mimies.

Just one of the 29 rare and unusual phobias that plague mankind.

Really Creepy Beatles Cover

JB — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:43:36 PDT

Some people might say that this cover of the Beatles song “Yesterday” by this ventriloquist group called the VentriloChoir is “extremely creepy,” but I’m not sure. Because all I feel is reaching for the nearest knife and stabbing my neck and screaming “jesus fucking christ!” over and over. Is that bad?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Fruits Bats Love Some Oral Action

JB — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:27:14 PDT

Fruit bats, specifically the females of the greater short-nosed fruit bats (Cynopterus sphinx), were observed to perform oral sex on the male. Apparently, the following are the benefits.

(1) The activity may increase lubrication and thus prolong copulation, in turn assisting transport the transport of sperm or stimulating secretions in the female bat’s pituitary gland, thereby increasing the likelihood of fertilization.

(2) Prolonged copulation may be a form of “mate-guarding” — that is, claiming a single a partner and protecting that partner against sexual activity with other bats.

(3) The activity may help prevent sexually transmitted diseases, as saliva has “a protective repertoire that goes beyond antibacterial activity to include antifungal, antichlamydial, and antiviral properties as well,” according to the report.

(4) The activity may “facilitate the detection and identification of MHC-dependent chemical cues associated with mate choice,” say the scientists.

While blow jobs are quite common in human sexual foreplay, and also observed in certain other animals, but…WTF fruit bats?!

[A fruit bat that is not sucking another fruit bat's dick.]

via

link to the full paper, if you like reading full papers.

McDonald’s Packs Its Shit, Leaves Iceland

JB — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:11:14 PDT

Iceland, who had been warmly welcomed by the Third World last year, is now McDonald’s free, with the country’s franchiser calling it quits over dismally rising prices.

Iceland’s McDonald’s Corp. restaurants will be closed at the end of the month after the collapse of the krona eroded profits at the fast-food chain, McDonald’s franchise holder Lyst ehf said.

McDonald’s in Iceland, which imports most of the ingredients it uses in its meals, will shut after costs doubled over the past year, Lyst said in an e-mailed statement today. The franchise holder said it doesn’t expect the situation to change in the short term.

“We would have to raise our prices by 20 percent to get the margin needed on our products,” Magnus Ogmundsson, Lyst chief executive officer, said in a phone interview. “That would have sent a Big Mac to 780 kronur” ($6.36), compared with the 650 kronur it costs today, he said.

The island’s currency collapsed last year following the failure of Iceland’s biggest banks. Offshore, the krona slumped as much as 80 percent against the euro, while capital restrictions this year have failed to prevent an 8.1 percent decline, making the krona the second-worst performer of the 26 emerging-market currencies tracked by Bloomberg.

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