Recently Added Stories - Funny Jokes

Dear Kids There is no Santa. The presents are from your parents. Love Wikileaks

Santa

Dear Kids There is no Santa. The presents are from your parents. Love Wikileaks

By: Santa
on 23-12-2010
Category: Kids Jokes
Yes Votes: 5516 | No Votes: 668

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay

Jenny

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally the doctor came in looking tired and somber. undIm afraid I am the bearer of bad newsund he said as he surveyed the worried faces undThe only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. Its an experimental procedure semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.und The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time someone asked undWell how much does a brain costund The Doctor quickly responded und5000 for a male brain and 200 for a female brain.und The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask undWhy is the male brain so much moreund The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said undIts just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because theyve been used.und

By: Jenny
on 21-11-2010
Category: Funny Jokes
Yes Votes: 5148 | No Votes: 511

Last year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The

Jane

Last year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year I didnt buy her a gift. When she asked me why I replied undWell you still havent used the gift I bought you last yearund And thats how the fight started.....

By: Jane
on 10-11-2010
Category: Funny Jokes
Yes Votes: 3649 | No Votes: 410

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. undIm on the road a lot and my

postman

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. undIm on the road a lot and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.und Psychiatrist undDont you have a phone in your carund Blonde undThat was a little too expensive so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.und Psychiatrist undUh ... Hows that workingund Blonde undActually I havent gotten any letters yet.und Psychiatrist undAnd why do you think that isund Blonde undI figure its because when Im driving around my zip code keeps changing.und

By: postman
on 19-10-2010
Category: Blonde Jokes
Yes Votes: 4116 | No Votes: 255

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other

rose

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other undFred how was the memory clinic you went to last monthund undOutstandingund Fred replied. undThey taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization association - its made a big difference for me.und undThats great What was the name of that clinicund Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldnt remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked undWhat do you call that flower with the long stem and thornsund undYou mean a roseund undYes thats itund He turned to his wife. undRose what was the name of that clinicund

By: rose
on 09-10-2010
Category: Funny Jokes
Yes Votes: 3358 | No Votes: 109

If men got pregnant... 1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one

Trish

If men got pregnant... 1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem 2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay. 3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 5. All methods of birth control would become 100 effective. 6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 7. There would be a cure for stretch marks. 8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes. 9. Men wouldnt think twins were so cute. 10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm. Hehehe

By: Trish
on 06-10-2010
Category: Men Jokes
Yes Votes: 5542 | No Votes: 131

You know youre really broke when... American Express calls and says undLeave home without itund Your

Pauper

You know youre really broke when... American Express calls and says undLeave home without itund Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. Youre formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Youve rolled so many pennies youve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. Long distance companies dont call you to switch anymore. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul. You finally clean your house hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. Your bologna has no first name. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice. Sally Struthers sends you food. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. At communion you go back for seconds. You wash your toilet paper. You have to save up to be poor. Youre in college. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal. You owe yourself money. You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

By: Pauper
on 02-10-2010
Category: Stupidity
Yes Votes: 4414 | No Votes: 589

They say children say the darndest things. Well what about dunce students sitting their G.C.S.E

Sally P

They say children say the darndest things. Well what about dunce students sitting their G.C.S.E (UK) exams (similar to SAT) These are allegedly answers that were actually given in school exams. Enjoy and choose your favorite. Q What is artificial insemination A When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q Name the four seasons. A Salt pepper mustard and vinegar. Q How is dew formed A The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q What is a planet A A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q In a democratic society how important are elections A Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A Premature death. Q How can you delay milk turning sour A Keep it in the cow. Q What does undvaricoseund mean A Nearby. Q What is the most common form of birth control A Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q Give the meaning of the term undCaesarean Section.und A The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q What is a seizure A A Roman emperor. Q What is a terminal illness A When you are sick at the airport Q What does the word undbenignund mean A Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

By: Sally P
on 29-09-2010
Category: Kids Jokes
Yes Votes: 4487 | No Votes: 126

Theres nothing worse than a snotty doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is

Jason S

Theres nothing worse than a snotty doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this and I love the way this guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors office. As he approached the desk the receptionist said undYes sir what are you seeing the doctor for todayund undTheres something wrong with my penisund he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said undYou shouldnt come into a crowded office and say things like that.und undWhy not You asked me what was wrong and I told youund he said. The receptionist replied undYouve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.und The man walked out waited a few minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked undYes undTheres something wrong with my earund he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice. undAnd what is wrong with your ear Sirund undI cant piss out of itund the man replied. The doctors office erupted in laughter.

By: Jason S
on 28-09-2010
Category: Funny Jokes
Yes Votes: 4172 | No Votes: 156

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back his colleagues

Will

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back his colleagues asked him how it had been. Oh it was very disappointing he said. I didnt kill a thing. Id have been better off staying here in the hospital.

By: Will
on 28-09-2010
Category: Short Jokes
Yes Votes: 3549 | No Votes: 441

undDocund says Steve undI want to be castrated.und undWhat on earth forund asks the doctor

lewis

undDocund says Steve undI want to be castrated.und undWhat on earth forund asks the doctor in amazement. undIts something Ive been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it doneund replies Steve. undBut have you thought it through properlyund asks the doctor undIts a very serious operation and once its done theres no going back. It will change your life foreverund undIm aware of that and youre not going to change my mind-either you book me in to be castrated or Ill simply go to another doctor.und undWell OK.und says the doctor undBut its against my better judgmentund So Steve has his operation and the next day he is up and walking very slowly legs apart down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient who is walking exactly the same way. undHi thereund says SteveundIt looks as if youve just had the same Operation as me.und undWellund said the patient undI finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.und Steve stared at him in horror and screamed undShit THATS the wordund

By: lewis
on 26-09-2010
Category: Men Jokes
Yes Votes: 3260 | No Votes: 331

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. If you are my friend

sweatheart

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. If you are my friend please answer this Are we friends Or are we not You told me once But I forgot. So tell me now And tell me true. So I can say.... undIm here for you.und Of all the friends Ive ever met Youre the one I wont forget. And if I die Before you do Ill go to heaven And wait for you. Ill give the angels Back their wings And risk the loss Of everything. Just to prove my friendship is true.. to have a friend just like you

By: sweatheart
on 20-09-2010
Category: Funny Poems
Yes Votes: 2514 | No Votes: 208

Getting Older - 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests

Kelly

Getting Older - 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said undGeorge everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your Godund George replied undGod and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so hes fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The light goes on when I pee and then (Poof) the light goes off when Im done.und undWowund commented Dr. Smith undthats incredibleund A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Georges wife. undThelmaund he said undGeorge is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (Poof) the light goes on in the bathroom and then (Poof) the light goes offund undThat old fool Hes peeing in the refrigerator againund

By: Kelly
on 09-09-2010
Category: Funny Jokes
Yes Votes: 2515 | No Votes: 78

Funny Men Put Downs - Whats the best way to force a man to do

Liza

Funny Men Put Downs - Whats the best way to force a man to do sit ups Put the remote control between his toes. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman Because youre always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women When its time to go back to his childhood hes already there What do you call a handcuffed man Trustworthy. Why do only 10 of men make it to heaven Because if they all went it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women Opposites attract. How do men define a und5050und relationship We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male All hes concerned with is legs breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb ONE He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What should you give a man who has everything A woman to show him how to work it. Whats a mans idea of honesty in a relationship Telling you his real name.

By: Liza
on 01-09-2010
Category: Men Jokes
Yes Votes: 4785 | No Votes: 156

MORE GREAT QUOTES - Have no idea who said these but they are good for

Fred

MORE GREAT QUOTES - Have no idea who said these but they are good for a laugh... My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once the seat folded up the drink spilled and that ice well it really chilled her mood. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now of course theres shipping and handling too. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can. undMy sisters expecting a baby and I dont know if Im going to be an uncle or an aunt.und undIm going to graduate on time no matter how long it takes.und

By: Fred
on 31-08-2010
Category: Funny Quotes
Yes Votes: 4415 | No Votes: 102

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly

stoned

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didnt want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing they made their way home. The next day the first womans husband phones the other husband and said undThese damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.und undThats nothingund said the other. undMine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said From all of us at the Fire Station Well never forget you

By: stoned
on 27-08-2010
Category: Funny Jokes
Yes Votes: 2419 | No Votes: 229

One day there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car and he

rolex

One day there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the drivers side door with him standing right there. undNOOOund he screamed because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it it never would be the same. Finally a cop came by and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. undMY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVERund he exclaimed. undYour a lawyer arent youund asked the policeman. undYes I am but what does this have to do with my carund the lawyer asked. undHA Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didnt even notice that your left arm is missing did youund the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed undMY ROLEXund

By: rolex
on 20-08-2010
Category: Lawyer Jokes
Yes Votes: 5645 | No Votes: 656

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the

Irving

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. undPapa fell in the well last week - und he began. undGood heavensund shrieked Mrs. Kroop the teacher. undIs he all right nowund undHe must beund said little Irving. undHe stopped yelling for help yesterday.und

By: Irving
on 11-08-2010
Category: Kids Jokes
Yes Votes: 5489 | No Votes: 555

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain

George

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said undMr. President I have some bad news for you. First we have discovered that your brain has two sides the left side and the right side.und Bush interrupted undWell thats normal isnt it I thought everybody had two sides to their brainund The doctor replied undThats true Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isnt anything right while on the right side there isnt anything left.und

By: George
on 11-08-2010
Category: Funny Jokes
Yes Votes: 4589 | No Votes: 697

Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the

Vince

Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a undKeyboard Errorund message. She then asks undWhy did it give me a keyboard error There isnt even a keyboard attached

By: Vince
on 26-07-2010
Category: Stupidity
Yes Votes: 5786 | No Votes: 1435