A friend asked me today about reasons why I take the meds that I do.  Well, to put it simply, it’s to keep me sane.  I never thought myself as one who was nuts, but I do know that I have a few too many things going on inside my head at any given time and the meds help me regulate things a bit.  Ever since I was a young child I have felt a bit different.  I didn’t quite fit in and I was always just a bit off.  Most of the time I just wanted people to like me and to be accepted by those around me.  But I never knew how to go about doing that and often felt very sad and very alone.  Looking back on my childhood makes me sad at what a lost little soul I was.

Having much older parents didn’t help much, either.  My mother was 40 and my father was 38 when they adopted me.  I guess by today’s standards that isn’t that old, but for their generation it sure was.  And being an only child made things that much more strange.  Anyhow, I was raised to keep my emotions in check and mostly be seen and not heard.  I was never good enough or smart enough.  I just felt lost and alone.  I had no one to confide in or no one to look up to.  My parents were just out of touch and I didn’t know how to reach out, either.  They weren’t warm and tender.  Both of them had rough lives growing up, though I didn’t learn that until much later in life, but they were always so distant to me.

I never had a best friend, and still don’t to this day.  But I always had friends.  I made friends very easily, though I could see how I tried too hard to be liked.  I was the girl everyone knew and was perpetually on the fringe of the A list.  I always thought of myself hovering somewhere between the A list and the B list; a popularity purgatory of sorts.  I was on the swim team, cheerleading and played in the orchestra.  But I was still a loner.  I was cheery on the outside but miserable on the inside.

Things stayed the same pretty much through college and a bit beyond.  I have always been one step behind everyone else.  I just wanted to be liked so much but never knew how to get there.  Sure, I always had friends and always had dates.  I just never liked myself.  I always felt there was something missing, something lacking, that everyone else had.  I just had no idea what it was.  I’ve always just coasted along never feeling just right in my skin.

There were a lot of odd things about my childhood but it was only recently that I started looking deeper.  Several years ago I finally decided to see a doctor about things and decided to try taking something to help me feel better about me on the inside.  I have also done things to change my life without meds as well.  I have become spiritual, I have stopped drinking and I have come to terms with many things.  Oh, sure, I have a ways to go, but I have come so far.  So, so far.

I have grown on a personal level more in the the past year than all of the previous years put together.  I don’t know how to explain it except to say that I am stronger and wiser than I have ever been.  I owe that to being a mother.  Being Bunny’s mother.  She totally changed my world.  Everything I do is for her.  Well, now wait.  That makes me sound like some nut job for sure now.  What I mean is that my mental health, emotional well being and extracurricular activities are geared to make me a better person so that I can be the best mother that I can be for her.  I must have my ‘me’ time to decompress and  be the me that I want to be.  And the meds help facilitate that.  They help me clear through the cobwebs and the dust in my head and focus on what is real and what is important.

So for the record, this time change is ridiculous.  Hubby has decided to wake up at the ungodly hour of 5 am instead of 6:30 am just so he can run before work, thus throwing the house into a literal tale spin each morning because he is the LOUDEST PERSON ON THE PLANET.  sigh.  So every morning since the time change we have all been up since 5 am.  To say that it sucks is merely an understatement.  I have even tried to help things out by setting up BOTH the coffee maker and making his lunch the night before, but he still manages to make a ton of noise.  And it really doesn’t help matters much right now that he has had a stuffy nose for the past week or so.  I swear he is the loudest nose blower of all time, too. Oh well.

I have finally resigned myself to the fact that the holidays are in fact on their way.  And much quicker than I had hoped.  I am nowhere near ready for them to appear.  We won’t be traveling for Thanksgiving and my folks will be visiting family out in the Midwest, so we won’t see them.  But we will heading to Hubby’s family for the day.  Oh joyous day  Callouh Callay.  While most meals at their house are uncomfortable, holiday meals are especially annoying.  Seating charts, pretension,  cold atmospheres and drunk family members.  Well, I guess that’s what holidays are all about, eh?  Thankfully we can use Bunny as an excuse to leave early if we must.

The weather is finally crisp and cool with the scent of fall floating deliciously in the air.  Crisp leaves flutter on the trees, the grapevines are gorgeous shades of red and yellow and the fields are covered in a light mist of green.  It is once again pleasant to be outside.  Long walks in the afternoon, playtime at the park and cups of warm spiced cider are in store.  Baking goodies and homemade treats will make my house smell like a home.  I am glad for this time of year.  I much prefer the cool weather to the heat.  I don’t do well in the heat.  I wither and flutter.  I struggle and fight.  In the coolness of the fall I seem to flourish.  I can finally breathe again.

After another long hiatus, I have decided, yet again, to write.  I was even tempted to start from scratch and do a whole new blog.  But really?  That’s a lot of work and it’s not like I have a bunch of readers here.  So, I decided just to freshen up this blog a bit.  I updated the pages, deleted a few things from the sidebar and took a deep breath.  I am ready to forge onward and see where things take me.  I also plan on updating bunny’s blog, so I won’t write much about her here as I don’t want this to become another ‘mommy blog’.

whew.  well, i did enough for one night.  besides.  the big bang theory is on.

ugh.  The past few days have been rough.  I have been in a bit of a funk lately and hit an absolute wall on Wednesday.  I was working full speed ahead on an editing project, when I got a  bit too much constructive criticism that just pummeled me over the edge.  I all but lost it.  Bunny was extra clingy and slightly feverish, so that didn’t help and Hubby, well Hubby was at work so I had no assistance.  I had a meeting to attend and was thrown under the bus by some trashy gal that I cannot stand, so I was read to punch someone in the throat by the time the day was done.  Thank God for a good nights sleep.  Thursday brought a better day and I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate buttercream frosting from scratch.  They were delish.  Well, they still are delish as I haven’t eaten all of them, yet.  Making cupcakes is my new thing.  It’s surprisingly easy, too.

I’m slowly gearing up for a trip to LA in a few weeks.  We’re heading down for a few days for a ball game and some time with friends.  We’re staying with my folks, which will be interesting as usual.  They are really into Bunny, which is great, but well, they’re still my folks, so with that brings all of their quirkiness.  But, the part I’m most looing forward to is getting an hour and a half massage.  Aaahhh.  I haven’t had a massage in forever and cannot wait.  Because, really, everything is better after a massage.

Fall is slowly making its appearance and I am so glad.  I’m done with the heat.  It makes me feel sticky and gross, no matter how often I shower.  And it’s just down right uncomfortable.  Well, since I’m writing about the weather, I obviously can’t find anything better to talk about, so I’ll sign off for now.

So, after a long hiatus of not posting, I am back.  Oh, sure, I’ve tried to do this before, but this time, this time, I really mean it.  I just checked out all my blogs on my sidebar and cannot believe how much I have missed.  I used to read all of those ~and more~ on a daily basis.  Now I just, well, I don’t know what I do.  Oh, right.  I have a baby.  No, wait.  She’s not a baby anymore.  She’s a toddler.  Holy crap, batman.  How did that happen?!

This past year has been crazy.  Sure, I’ve sporadically posted about some of it, but well, there’s tons more that you don’t know.  But, I will not bore you with those mundane details.  Rather, I will just go forward from here on out.

In checking out my favorite blogs, I just found out that my favorite fashionista, WendyB, is in my neck of the woods!!  Holy cow.  I only hope I get to see her this time.  Last time I had the opportunity, I was in a rather unfortunate scuffle with Hubby and well, it just didn’t work out for me to see her.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed, so who knows what will happen this time.

I’m off to the City this Sunday for a zoo date with a college girlfriend, her kids and my little TODDLER.  Whoot.  I love the zoo.  It will be my first time with my little one and I’m so excited.  She LOVES animals.  LOVES ‘EM.  And I miss the City oh so much.  You can take a girl out of the City…blah blah blah, but that is SO true. This small town living sure gets to me sometimes.  I mean, hell, we don’t even have a Target in this town.  sigh.

And I just heard from another girlfriend and we have a date for lunch in the City next month, too.  She’ll be out visiting from back east, so that’ll be awesome to see her as well.  I haven’t seen her in, oh, 12 years or so.  Gotta love reconnecting with peeps on that good ‘ol slut, Facebook!

I’ve been in a bit of a fashion rut lately that I am desperately trying to get out of.  I’m trying to be less frumpy and more…chic.  At least I’ve never resorted to wearing the dreaded mom jeans.  Thankfully, I still fit into my Sevens.  But, I have to revamp just about everything else.  I have a closet full of business attire, that well, is no longer appropriate, and a bunch of other things that are just plain wrong.  And while I don’t leave the house in sweats or anything like that, I still feel frumpy.  Bunny (I’ve decided to call my little one Bunny as a pet name on here now as I won’t use her real name.…) and I wandered around a shopping center yesterday and there was nothing there.  I felt too old for some stores and way too young for others.  I did look longingly at several outfits, but really, I cannot justify spending money on things I will need to iron or dry clean.  It’s just not practical for me anymore.

Well, onward to better things…I have a full day planned, but promise to be back soon.

yes, so it seems.  a whole month since I have posted.  A lot has happened in that month so I have had little time to post.  Oh, I have started numerous times to write, but have always deleted my words.  Nothing seemed right.  Everything seemed forced or full of fluff.  I hate that I have been so negative and filled with blah.  Life has not been all bad.  Hubby and I are still working on things and we have gotten better.  Every day is a tiny bit better.  He is slowly realizing how much it costs to run a household.  It’s not a walk in the park or anything at all, but it is better.  He doesn’t freak out quite as much when bills arrive.  And in hindsight, it is good that he is handling the finances.  Of course, not the way it all came down, but what happened is over.  We are moving forward.

We just got back from an 8 day vacation in the beautiful wilderness of the Sierras and while it was nice, it was no vacation for me.  It was more like a change in scenery. My in laws were there the first 2 days and my mil drove me bat shit crazy.  I cannot stand that woman.  I used to think my mother was bitter, but my mil is out of control with her bitterness.  And she is so damn snotty.  And the worst part is that she has absolutely no class, but totally thinks she does.  Seriously.  People without class drive me nuts.  I don’t care how much money you have, class is something that money just cannot buy.  sigh.

Anyhow, I have now decided I will live vicariously though WendyB, who travels the world to all the places I want to go.  And I will go.  Oh, I sure will.  I will take all those fabulous cities by storm one day.  Maybe when Baby is old enough to go with me.  Luckily, I have done a lot of traveling before Baby, so I don’t have any regrets of not being able to go anywhere right now.

Next month Baby turns one, which is amazing, and just the other day she took her first steps.  The kitties have no idea what is in store for them.  But, Baby is amazing.  At 9 1/2 months she started sleeping through the night, which is wonderful.  She goes down around 7 pm and wakes up around 6 am.  It’s loverly to be able to sleep that long without interruption.  She has started being a little drama queen at times, but she doesn’t get far with her outbursts.  She has started squirming and standing in her car-seat, but since I am stronger, I am able to get her strapped in with minimal effort, though she screams to let me know she doens’t like it whatsoever.  But, as soon as the car is moving, she is fine.  I hear that’s normal.  But other than that, she’s a great kid.

I am also getting back into writing, which I have for so long let sit by the wayside.  Gypsy so kindly sent me a website of writing goodness that I am going to get on top of, though I promised to leave some of the good stuff for her as well.  I have started keeping a journal of sorts again.  Nothing that I write in every day, but something where I can jot down ideas and thougts as they come.  Who knows.  Maybe it will turn into something grand.  One of my friends has been working on a book and asked me to do some proof reading for her and that has renewed my writing spirit as well.  And I’m still working on that newsletter that I started a few months ago.

But now I am off to breakfast with Baby and some friends.  I LOVE breakfast!!! mmmm.

So, I feel like I have kept all of you hanging.  Or maybe I haven’t.  I really don’t know.  Things have gotten better.  A little.  Yes, a little better.  I still do not have access to house finances.  At all.  On one hand, that is good.  Now hubby will see exactly how much life costs.  And he will also see just how much I do every day.  But, it’s not something that will come easily.  He will not admit his part in any of this, which is beyond frustrating.  Thankfully, he has a few good men (heh) in his life that have talked him down a bit and MADE him realized that he DOES have a part in all of this.

We went to the grocery store together last weekend and that was a bit of an eye opener for him.  I had told him it normally costs me between $120 and $150 a week and he said he could do it for under $100.  Well, our total for the weekly shopping with no “extras” was $225.  We have also received a few rouge bills, so he now sees that things come that are not part of the montly budget.  But don’t think that means he has been any nicer to me.  Oh, no.

I have suggested that we go to counseling, to which he said “we can’t afford that.”  Well, I’m pretty sure our insurance will cover it, so I’m going to start checking that option out.  Also?  He thinks I am going to contribue my Avon earnings to the house.  Um…NO.  No, I am most certainly not going to be doing that.

But now my little precious bunny is sick.  She came down with quite the fever yesterday and has been out of sorts ever since.  It’s her first fever so I took her to the doctor as it was a whopping 102!  Yikes.  She has no other symptoms, so teething and the flu have been ruled out.  So for now, we’re just hanging out and having motrin every 6 hours.  I feel so sad for her.

life is beyond unbelievable right now.  i am devastated like i have never been.  my heart is broken.  i am a wreck.  i don’t know what my next step is, what the next day will bring.

i have failed.

i lied.  was deceitful.  dishonest.  i did what i had to do.

no matter how many financial conversations i had with hubby, nothing seemed to phase him.  he constantly thought i was just spending out of control on everything under the sun.

i finally fessed up the other day on how much was owed on the credit card.  he thought the balance was zero.  the balance was really $12,700.  i finally told him the truth that i had been using it to cover what i could not with what was in the checking account.  i could not have imagined how bad things would be.

he has since taken complete financial control.  and by that, i mean i have nothing, not even a debit card.  i do not have  checks.  i do not have cash.  i do not have a credit card. i have to cancel my much needed much anticipated hair appointment next week because i have zero money and he hasn’t decided when he will start giving me an allowance.

i will be given a $100 biweekly allowance to pay for my needs, including my gas.

and now he is expecting me to make amends to him.  he says that i have stolen from the family and that he does not care what i spent the money on, that it was stealing.  he says that i have to make amends to Baby, for what i spent could have paid for a two years of private elementary school.  sure, there were a few trips to starbucks or the random lunch out, but the rest was groceries, the balance due at the dentist for my root control, diapers, that sort of thing.  yes, the balance was  a lot.  but you know what?  he paid of the card with money FROM OUR SAVINGS.  AND THERE STILL IS SAVINGS LEFT.  and really?  a lot of that savings came from me.  i have only been out of work since Baby was born.  before that, 75% of my salary went into savings.  and the first two years of our marriage i supported us while he was in school getting his mba.  and did i ever mention that he makes 100k a year?  no.  i know i never have because money is not a big deal to me.  i don’t care about money.  i don’t care about status.  i care about being happy.  and having money does not equate having happiness.  in fact, most of the people who i know that have money, are not happy.

but now since i no longer have access to money, he will have to do everything i normally do, including the dry cleaning, the grocery shopping and getting the cars serviced.  he will just have to figure out how to do everything on his weekend.

this should be interesting.

but in the meantime, i am devastated. and thank god for baby because she is the only thing keeping me going these days.

and have started selling avon.  yes, i am now the avon lady.  please buy from me.  it is the only way i will get money.  avon lady calling…….

With all of the stuff I have been dealing with lately, I have recently lost sight of how good I really do have it.  Sure, I am having a rough time with hubby these days, but I know it could be much, much worse. I know that I am not a doormat and I do stand up for myself.  The other day we even had a come to Jesus talk of sorts and he is definitely working on himself.  I know we have a ways to go, but for now, I am feeling hopeful.  I am still going to seek out the help of a marriage counselor as I think it would be best to have an unbiased third party help us through our rough time.  But, I also feel that marriage, like any relationship, takes work.  Granted, it should not always take work, but it it was too easy, I might think there was something wrong.  I know a couple who has never has a disagreement and that just seems all too odd to me.  But, there has been some improvement already. Just yesterday, as we were heading out the door to a graduation ceremony, I went to the fridge to get something to drink and knocked over a container of juice that hubby had just made and it spilled EVERYWHERE.  And by that I mean under the fridge, in the fridge, on the wall….but I was SO proud of hubby.  He did not get mad or raise his voice.  He took Baby from my arms and started helping me clean up.  I was seriously waiting for an explosion from him, but it never happened.  We moved the fridge and mopped the floor, cleaned the wall and he still maintained his cool.  And we were running late.  It was good.  In the car I told him I was glad he was so helpful.  He said he had been working on himself after our talk the other day.  Hey, baby steps.  That’s all I ask for.

Anyhow, I digress.

I live in a beautiful area in a darn cute little home.  Though we rent, we are saving money to one day buy a home.  The climate here is great most of the time.  We never have ice, sleet or snow.  We do get frost and cold, but even that doesn’t last too long.  And even though we are in the middle of a heat wave, the fog rolls in by the end of the day and cools everything down again.  We also have access to several pools to cool off at during the hot days.  And if we go to hubby’s granny’s house, she always has treats for us to munch on.

I drive a nice car that needs no more service than the regular oil change.  And while we purchased my car used, no one would be any the wiser just by looking at it. Perhaps I paid my dues by driving a Saturn for 8 years without any power steering, windows or doors and now I get to drive in my luxurious Volvo cross country.  Hey, a girl can brag a bit on her own blog.  Don’t judge!!

I have an extreemly solid group of friends.  So while I may not always have the best family support, I know I can always count on my friends.  And even though most of them live anywhere but where I do, I am still so close to them all.  Thank god for email and the phone.  Though, since they are good friends, they know I prefer email, Facebook, text and instant messages WAY more than the dreaded phone.

On those rare occasions that we go out for a ‘nice’ dinner it is to a place with cloth napkins and table cloths and great ambiance.  I was reading a website that I frequent earlier and so many of the posters were saying that a ‘nice’ place to them was Applebees or Red Lobster.  I am by no means trying to sound snotty, but I am glad that I know what a nice place really is.  And I am glad that I know how to act at a place like that.  In fact, we went to one the other day for a cousin’s birthday and it was such a treat because I hadn’t been out to a ‘nice’ place since…well…since Baby was born!

I have an AWESOME baby and I love being a mother, something I had no idea that I would like.  Motherhood has come very easy to me and so far, I haven’t had any complaints.  Sure, hubby doesn’t help all that much, but Baby is wonderful and even when she fusses and gets cranky, I don’t mind.  That’s all part of the deal.  And I feel stronger for being able to do everything myself.  It makes me sad when people need so much help and when motherhood is hard for them.  I am totally lucky in that regard.

The only thing I wanted for today was hubby to be unconditionally nice to me.  That’s it.  And evidently, even that was too much to ask for.  Yes, he did get up with Baby without so much as a complaint, but that was about all he did.  Oh, he did give me two cards from her, yet he spelled her name wrong.  Seriously.  How does he not know how to spell her name?  sigh.  We then got up and went to the local fire department for a pancake breakfast.  Sounds nice and delightful, doesn’t it?  Well, sure, if he would have paid and would have served me.  Instead, it was the other way around.  Sure, I could have said something, but that’s not really the point.  I guess the coup de grace is that he had me get HIS mother a $60 gift and he got me nothing.  That’s what hurt the most.  And he got her a very kind, sentimental card.  I am beyond hurt.  Yes, I realize I am not his mother, but for God’s sake.  It’s my very first Mother’s Day.  He could have done something nice.  And really, if he was just kind to me, that would have been more than enough.

Words cut deeper than anything.  Who ever said “stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” never met Hubby.  Seriously.  The other day we were arguing over finances and he said “then divorce me and I will fight for FULL custody over Baby.”  WTF.  I still can’t shake that.  I mean, really.  I don’t fight like that.  I am so miserable.  I love Baby more than anything in the entire world.  She is the absolute light of my life and I cannot imagine life without her.  She is darling and sweet and special and spunky.  For him to even threaten that, well, I don’t know how to handle that.  I do realize we were fighting and those were fighting words, but that is no excuse.  I will not forgive, nor will I forget, that he ever said that.  Sure, we talked about it later and I told him he is never allowed to say that again, but hell, if he said it once, what is going to stop him from saying that again?  I have no idea what possesses him to think that way.

I know that there are a lot of positive things in my life so I don’t want to dwell on the negative.  But this has got to stop.  Besides.  I have to start getting ready to spend the day with his family.  wonderful.