Skyy is the Limit

Nicolas Sparks a Soul Rapist

2013-03-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

As one of the moderately self conscious females of this earth, I find myself so happy when the latest Nicolas Sparks book comes out. Then I read it, and become borderline suicidal. That sick son of a bitch is a masochist. He must sit and laugh at all of us hormonally charged fake blonds running to the store just to be soul fucked. These are the things I have learned from NS books. And coming from the sucker that has read all of these books, you are welcome!

The Best of Me: Teenage love never dies, however one of you will before the other, only to leave you feeling guilty as shit for the rest of their lives.
Safe Haven: Ghosts are tricky and double identities are stupid. Running away from problems solves nothing.
The Lucky One: This man obviously has never used Google earth. He could have found that girl in 2 minutes. This is the definition of a man who can't ask for help.
The Choice: Always keep someone on a breathing tube longer then you thought!
Dear John: Marrying or 50 year old dying neighbor is disgusting...But he does have a giant house and horses. Just fake it till he dies.
At First Sight: Don't have babies.
The Wedding: Your kids will still grow up and lie to you. Your husband will be a dick for 25+ years and then scramble to fix shit. Noah Calhoun can still make me cry.
The Guardian: I want a great dane. It also taught me however that if someone even pointed a spoon at my Daisy, let alone a weapon, I would rip out their god damned throat. Again running away from your problems doesn't work.
A Bend in the Road: Do not ever under any circumstances trust your children's teacher.
A Walk to Remember: This is going to sound rude...That was a lot of work to get that girl to put out, then she kicks it. Also if a girls dad is a dick to you for no reason, walk away. Daddy's girls have head problems.
The Notebook: Here we go where to start. This book has eternally fucked all of us! Sorry men. Writing love letters is HOT. Reading 365 of them at once...Not so much. It's also an acceptable profession to work with wood in a barn. There is no reason to go to college!! Always buy a fixer upper, some girl some where will get all wet over it. The one thing that the Notebook taught me that I have never ever learned before was..... Drum roll please... MARRIED PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO THEIR DEATH YEARS AND NOT HAVE ALREADY KILLED ONE ANOTHER!! I mean it's amazing people actually stay married... for love. Then you still haven't stolen enough of their soul, you have to will yourselves to die together...I think that's a felony.

General Thoughts:

All of these sweet, sensitive, honest, trustworthy, loyal, shirtless, sweaty, toned men live in North Carolina near the beach...and maybe one or two in West Virginia (ohhhh wait that's a personal observation) No they do not! I lived with in 1 hour of New Bern and all I ever saw driving through there was broken down trucks and old violated mattresses out in the yards. Daisy came from New Bern, and I am convinced that she loves me so much because I took her off that farm where her ass hole was in constant terror. All the men I had seen down there were horny, drunk and totally lovable Marines. However if any of them approached a NS book fan they would have gotten snubbed fast...I may have been the exception there...

Again I love you all. -R

Ahh Hello No!

2013-03-22T08:46:00.002-07:00

Ahh my new life as a newly single bartender has given me much inspiration for this! I have to say for the first time in a long time I am very happy. After losing quite a bit of weight and some inner self searching, I look hot, I feel hot and I am just being me. I am very excited for my new life and I figured since I am smiling, you should smile.
I as much as the next girl love to be told how beautiful, hot,attractive I am, as many times as possible. My inner self of course says, "I know" or "Thanks divorce". However on the outside I still react like a little bitch, blush a little and shrug it off like they're being nice and swiftly walk away.

There are always statements though that are said that only have one response. NO. Not something like, do you want a sandwich? There are times when all I can do is come up with something quick and witty. However there are times when my inner ghetto princess comes out and this is how I react...

Here are some of those times. Insert AHHHHH HELL NO after these statements.

I'm 41 and you're 26. What would you say if I asked you to go to a hockey game with me?...
Want to go see a Nicki Minaj concert?...
Do you want to meet my mother?...
Do you think you will ever want to have more kids?...
Is there anything I can do to change your mind?...
Do you want to go up North with me for the weekend and go snow mobing?...
Do you want to go camping with me alone?...
Do you want to snuggle?...
Can I get you jewelry?...
I'm a pipe liner, want to see the pipe?...
Why don't you do all the work tonight?...
Do you think you should be eating that?...
Want to be my next ex wife?...
Why do you love that dog so much?...
Can you stand next to me and make me look good?...
Are those real?... (Yeah I implanted these 34Cs... really dude!
Lets watch Duck Dynasty...
Why do you and your cousin talk to each other like puppies?...
Don't you want to wear something a little longer or maybe not black?...
Are you sure you want to have that last drink?..

Also there are several things that when in a relationship or in many cases casual hook ups that people say to test the waters and see what boundaries can be pushed in an experience. Here are some that deserve the above response:

Do you like it in the...?...
Can you bite my nipples?...
Say my name...BITCH...
Want to bring some food into the mix?...
Can I stick my thumb....?

I hope you all enjoyed! <3 always R

Conversations with Megan Fox and Brain Austin Green

2013-01-19T11:03:00.003-08:00

So I am sitting here having a lazy day before work watching Fashion Police. Then the thought came to mind, that when Joan Rivers dies, I should take her job. I really could care less about what people wear, I just want to opportunity to speak as freely as she does and not get yelled at for it. Originally I was going to do my thoughts on many celebrities today, but I started writing about these two and I literally could not stop. This may become a regular thing.

Brian Austin Green- I have loved your washed up beautiful face since I was 5 and you were 20. Then you married someone my age. Strike one. Then you hit my funny button when you started acting on Smallville, which I hate! Where have all the David Greens gone?! Strike 2. You're final fuck up with me is that you are now on a TBS show about a wedding band... You're out! Your wife, who is my age, is the hottest woman in the world. At least have some dignity and be a stay at home dad. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that the man who married Donna Martin aka Tori Spelling, is now literally married to MeganFox. I mean I totally understand dating someone who is slightly beneath you, story of much of my life, but TBS?!?! Really!
What the hell is the matter with her? I get it because I grew up watching him on TV too and I loved him, however I don't know what they would ever talk about. Here is what I imagine goes on in that house.

Take 1

M-"Hey B how was your day on set? Cover any bad David Bowie songs?"
B-"It was great, me and the crew did a sweet rendition of YMCA. I think we actually might make this a thing like in our off time. Maybe we can use the garage."
M- "That's great sweetie. Rachel Zoe and I went to lunch and discussed what I was going to wear to the Globes. It was great. Are you going to be able to make it to this red carpet event?"
B- "Beautiful, You know I hate those things, they're so 1992."

Take 2

B- "Hey hunncan I use your credit card, mine seems to be acting up?"

M- "Of course my sugar loaf, but I did tell you before you can just be on my account if you want. Waiting for your syndication checks from Soap Net can really suck."

B- "Why do you always have to be so condescending about them?! They come in from WB, I mean CW on the first and Soap Net on the 15th. I have them staggered for a reason! God I hate asking you for this shit!"

Take 3

M- "Brian, why are you so afraid to take off your shirt in front of me/"

B- "We've gone over this. I have a little bit of a complex. You know, Vanessa, my stunning ex wife, used to be on General Hospital with those guys. That Steve Burton was so firm and I was David Green, the kid from 90210 with the Vanilla Ice Jew do. I can't stop thinking that I still look like that."

M- "Awwww Daddy, you do still look like that. And that's why I love you so much. You know I had posters of you in my bedroom when I was little."

B- "You always know how to make me feel like a real man. So who do you want to be tonight Donna with the red wig or Valerie with the brown wig?"

M- "ohhhh tough choice Mr. Silverman but I think tonight, let me go Kelly Taylor. It's kind of hot she was your step-sister."

I do love you David, I mean Brian and I always will,

<3 -R

W Seeking M

2012-12-03T10:13:00.001-08:00

As I'm sure we all know by now, my marriage is over. I am going to leave it at that and not dwell because I will just start drinking and never get through this post. I do love Chris and we are still friends, no bad blood.

With that being said I would like to let you all know what I am looking for in a relationship. I am not saying that these are the reasons my marriage failed. The two people who didn't know each other entered into a relationship just ended up being too different. Some people have things that they look for and things that they cannot tolerate. This is going to read like a cheap personal advertisement Enjoy.

My daughter: You have to accept that fact that I have a daughter that has a father and she will never have another one.I don't need you to play baby daddy. However only seeing me when she is with her dad is out of the question. This shouldn't have to be to be written.
My dog: If you do not like my dog, I do not like you. That goes for everyone on the face of the earth. I don't care if you were mauled my a chuiwawa when you were a child, if you don't like Daisy, get the fuck out. I talk to her like she is a newborn Jesus, for instance "baby pumpkinface" is a phrase I use often. She doesn't always smell her best, she is a hound dog, I love how she smells. Do not ever tell me that my dog smells. We snuggle and I like her to sleep in my bed on occasion, if this means that you sleep on the couch so be it.
My Ex-husband: I love my ex-husband. He is my friend and always will be, get over it. Everyone will always have a complex about some ex in their lives. Don't mess with it. Right now he is still up on a pedestal with me. Don't fuck with that either.
My mother: Say anything bad about my mother and I will murder you...slowly.
Daddy issues: I have daddy issues and I do not care. They haven't gone away at this point in my life and they never will. Try to make me feel bad about it or 'build my bridges back' I'll murder you and send the parts to your mother.
Tattoos: I would prefer if you have them. Well more then likely, I wouldn't date you if you didn't. Tell me not to get another one and that I have enough, and I will get 10 more and flaunt them, it has been done before.
Games: I don't play games. If you want to leave, then leave. If you're jealous tell me. Talk to me, not to other people and especially not to another girl about me. I'm already fucked up enough from that, I do not have time for it again. If you try to manipulate me in anyway, you are messing with the wrong person. I don't like to do it but I can say things to make you cry in the fetal position and cut you down like an oak tree.
Murder: Always be aware that I can and am capable of murder, and I do know how to melt a body like an ice cube. It's like a store it in the back of your mind thang.
Showers: I like to shower alone. I don't need to see how you wash yourself and you don't need to see me shave my legs. You are more then welcome to come into the bathroom when I am in there. Not in the shower.
Family: I love my family. They are crazy and a completely mixed bag of people. My bar customers that are mostly 65+ year old men are my family. The closest man in my life is my stepfather, who I love to death, he will also kill you. I have more guy friends then girl friends and all of my friends are my family. There were people in my life that are not in it now and they are still my family, no matter how I knew them. There are also members of my family that are no longer my family anymore. There is no fixing that, I do not want to fix it. I respect you also have a family, however they do not need to be mine.
Smoke: I smoke on occasion, deal with it. Try to get my to quit and pack your shit.
Drink: I drink like 400lb Russian man. Try to get me to quit and pack your shit. I want a partner not a counselor.
Mirror mirror: I need someone to tell me I look beautiful. Being trampled like a mouse by an elephant by the many men in my life has fucked with me. That is the only explanation you will ever get.
Arrest: I do not care about your criminal past, as long as that past is over. I don't do bail anymore, that's what mommies are for.
Control: I have control issues. I try everything in my power to control everything.
Pills: I have general anxiety. I like to be medicated for it. I blame it on the daddy genes.
Country music: Country music makes me want to kill myself. I like angry chick music, bad nigga rap and the Stone Temple Pilots. I like to get lost in music and not have it spelled out for me.
Home: I love my home town. It is the place where I feel the best and most alive. All of my family is there. There is nowhere else I could close my eyes and drive perfectly, it is in my blood. North Carolina is my other favorite place. I could care less if I vacation anywhere else. I would love to go to Ireland one day though.
Mommy's: I am not cho mama. I don't ever want to be. I am not a mommy person. Mommy's tend to piss on their territory and I don't play those games anymore. If that's how it is we don't need to be friends. I have enough friends, I do not feel any obligation to be friends with your mommy. I know you love her, but I don't have to, and don't expect me to.
Everything else: I love the Steelers, I have never been to Pittsburgh, it's a daddy thing. I hate family holidays. I hate pumpkin flavored things. My favorite color is black. Most of my clothes are black. I love bad TV shows and romantic comedies. I will always want a man who looks like Jeffery Dean Morgan or Carey Heart. I want a love story like a Nicolas Sparks book as long as no one dies at the end. I like too many recreational drugs that I will never do anymore. I will never love anything or anyone like my Pam. When I am hungry I will always want Ramen noodles. I work out because I don't think I am pretty. I hate most men because I don't think I am worth it. I have more respect for the Marine Corps and the men in it then anything else in the world, they are also some of the best friends I have had. Don't buy me flowers to impress me, I'll just let them die. If you tell me I am not allowed to do something, I am going to do it even if it will kill me. One of the best friends I have ever had in my life was a 60 year old man who died of cancer. Don't forget my birthday. Tom Petty was the first celebrity that I ever loved. I am a sucker for a bacon egg and cheese sandwich and I mean a real one. I am deathly afraid of spiders and moths. The only thing I want to do with my life is to open and run a successful bar. I have a tendency to drink too much and fall down. If I am hungover I will vomit. I don't believe in soul mates. Every time I have invested everything I have, it all falls apart. I should not be allowed to drink Wild Turkey or Jegar ever again, not because I get sick, because I turn into a hot mess of a human and start to think about old shit, and old shit isn't good. I like my alone time, but I don't like to be lonely. I am tired of being lonely. I burp, I fart, I drink beer and I will always want a better and faster car then you, I am still a woman I expect to be treated like one.

On a lighter and brighter note, Craig's List personals entertain me to no end. Here are some of my faves from this week. These are from the Flint area in Michigan.

"HI, I would like to meet a mature lady, a down earth, open minded semi fit, likes to do recreational stuff, bike ride, walks, jog maybe the crim togethjer, maybe not. Just want some interaction with a person who has similar likes,,( maybe close) and u have to be a big talker cause I am a gentleman , until I get to know you lol oh gotto like sex too." ------YOU GOTTO!!

"white male seeks latin hispanic putrorican female for relationship. Hi white male 40 6ft3 good sense of humor enjoy sports concerts movies dineing out seeks Latin Hispanic puertorican for relationship please seriois responses only" ----PLEASE BRING DIKTONARY

"I'm going to tell ladies. I'm honest. When I drop the next few sentences on you you'll hate me or appreciate me. I never cheat ladies! Why you may ask? I only date girls that I like physically. What is that you say? Big ole boobies! There I said it! Yes ladies a big rack keeps me attentive and faithful. Great cleavage gets me to clean the garage, put the seat down, take out the garbage and fix the leaky sink. It does not get me to put silverware away or fold clothes though" ---AT LEAST HE IS HONEST but I wish more then anything he called them bitties.

And now they allowed to post pictures! I mean nothing says romance like a weird looking dick in your face!

At the end of the day I am only a hot fucking mess and always will be-- <3 R

The List

2012-09-11T19:35:00.001-07:00

There are some songs that stick with you no matter what. There is a hard list of songs that you could listen to all day on repeat and then do it again the next day. Some are sad, some are angry and some are just plain stupid. But they are yours. Being a child of the late 80's, many of these songs on my list are from the 90's. This will never throughout the course of my life change. However I will listen to almost anything. I am not a country music fan but I can appreciate what they do, just too much bitching and whining for me. There is something about music that makes everyone feel free for even just 2 minutes. This is my list, in no particular order.

1. Alanis- You Outta Know

This goes without saying. It probably tops many of these kinds of lists. No matter where I am, I jam to this song. Even the acoustic version can burn into your veins. Melting into millions of peoples relationships over almost 20 years since its release, must be one of the best accomplishments of this song. This song applies to everyone at at least one point in their lives. "And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it", is the most brilliant line in the song, we all want someone to be mad we found someone else, even for just a night. She is one angry bitch on this album and it is nothing less than a beautiful composition of true and blind rage.

2. Four Seasons- December 1963

I love this song because it's catchy and timeless. I mainly love this song because someone once told me they met and fell in love with my mother while hearing this. That person did their humanly best to raise me and I respect him for that, even though it was beyond his skill set. It's perfectly romantic and honest.

3. Biz Markie- Just a Friend

I know, I know, but you know you love it too. As tone def and ugly as this obese black man is, there is no way you can ever turn this song off when it comes on the radio. Every now and again I find myself singing it to Daisy when the mood strikes. "Daisy you, got what I neeeeeeeeeed..."

4. Stone Temple Pilots- Creep

I love this man so much. He is a beautiful junkie. I have a feeling he wrote this song explicitly about himself. I love this song because I believe we all feel the same way about ourselves at one point or another.

5. Fuel- Going to California/ Daniel

Yes I know these are not Fuel's songs, however, they are song beautifully. Daniel is generally the same arrangement as the original (Elton John) but with a more sincere and believable quality. I actually can feel how this man feels about his brother. Going to California is nothing short of genius. They take their time with the song unlike the original, I felt like that one was a bit rushed.

6. Coolio- Gangstas Paradise

Amazing. Of course I love the movie Dangerous Minds and have seen it hundreds of times. I want this song to played at my funeral.

7. Tom Petty- Into the Great Wide Open

This song shows the possibilities in life. Eddie wanted something, he went and got it and then he realized that it was overrated. Story of every ones life. Tom always has a beautiful positive and almost mocking way of making a joke or sarcastic jab at the songs purpose and meaning with his light and pop-ish sound. This is why he is my all time favorite human.

8. Hootie and The Blowfish- Running From an Angel

This song hits close to home with me. Everyone knows I love my mother more then anything. And even though I love the man who raised me and I respect him for doing so, I know he was horrible to my mother at times and even as a child I wanted to ask him what is his problem. This is a smart and meaningful song who was probably written by someone who has witnessed this first hand.

9. Natalie Merchant- Beloved Wife

I do not know one person who has single-handedly written a better song. Especially from a man to a woman. I cannot even put into words how I feel about this song.

10. Neil Young- Hey Hey, My My

Makes so much sense, and was completely appropriate for the time period and even more now. "artists" now don't even know how to play an instrument. That is all I can say.

Thanks as always--- <3 R

Wanted

2012-07-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

For people like me its hard getting a job. I have a kid, and a husband who works over 60 hours a week, oh and no real talent. I have literally nothing to fall back on. For instance, I worked at several hardware stores for 6+ years, I bar-tended and that's about it. I don't have a skill or a degree in anything. So, with it being nearly impossible to get a job, I have created a resume for myself that will ensure that I get a reasonable amount of employment offers coming my way!

Name: Robyn Champion
Maiden Name: Sludock (My mothers last name since my father is an eternal dirt bag)
Phone #: You're not getting it, my ring back tone could be considered offensive
Email: bendmeoverandgagme@gmail.com
Fax: 1-800-STAPLES, why would I have a fax machine?

Previous Employment: Paint lady and beer bitch.
Skill Set: Common sense and a nice rack, oh and an occasional good Jew joke.
References: I have limited friends, so just call my cousin who has a different last name as me. She'll lie and tell you that I'm a good and decent person who will be an asset to your company.
Cover Letter: I don't know how to do that so, no don't have one, too much work.
Hobbies: Drinking...I'm struggling to find anything else to say here...should I say something like joining the peace core?

I know not much but this will do for now <3 R

Only Crazy People Fall in Love With Me

2012-04-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while, but I have been searching deep inside myself and was trying to come up with one of the funniest and most mind numbing topics to jump back into the game with. They only thing I could come up with was my love life.

I can honestly say I have fallen in love three times. Now that I am older, I can be honest with myself and say that two of those people have fallen in love with me. Of course that doesn't count the people who I have either dated or wanted to date. Loving the idea of someone and actually loving them is very different. There is no question I don't make it easy to let people in on that level. I don't like flowers, I don't want shit on valentines day and I do not want someone who breathes down my neck. If I want a gift I will tell you directly, for instance "I really like that ring _________ has, I would like to have one like it." If you aren't listening to me the first time and you buy me something I don't like, too fucking bad I am going to tell you I don't like it and I will go out and get what I really want. I like my space and really just to be left alone... until I want company. I know but as selfish as it sounds I was able to pull that off for quite a while. I only learned this about myself after my first relationship and it lasted until I got married. I don't need to sit on your lap all the time, I am not a 3 pound tea cup poodle. I do not want you to slap my ass in public, I am not sea biscuit. And I definitely don't want to be kissed on the cheek, I am sure as shit not your mother. However sometimes that gypsy part of me makes me want to put on my running shoes. There is something wrong with me, that when I feel that things are getting a little serious I tend to either A. run or B. sabotage, it's a sickness.

There are no phrases I hate more than "the one", "soul mate", or "love of my life." Please. If you are lucky enough to be in a serious relationship with someone for more then a year with out hitting them with your car it's at least worth some effort to make it work. If you date someone longer then that especially living with them with out a homicide occuring, you are a very lucky special person. Chris and I have been together for 3 years today actually, and there have been times where I wanted to string him up and watch him kick, I haven't because I feel that 1. I would be caught. 2. Then I would loose my best friend. I think that is an important thing to be friends with the person you end up with because when you are going through a shitty time or a dry spell at least you can kick it and watch Sons of Anarchy Together and have a laugh and not feel so fucking hostile toward each other. Don't get me wrong, if you truly believe that there is no other person on the face of this giant earth that could make you happy tell me to fuck off, but all I am saying is that you happened to meet your spouce. If you were 1000 miles away there may be a person who is either just as good and if not better. Maybe they don't fart at the dinner table or wear socks during sex. Just something to think about.

I also always hated breaking up with people. I would rather you tell me in a "nice" way to take a hike then for me to have to tell you. There is some sensitivity chip that is missing from my brain and things come out more cold, cut and dry. My favorite breakup line came from me, of course, and I wasn't really dating this kid but he thought we were. I said, while sitting on the couch together, "yeah I don't think this is going to work anymore, I'm going out with Chris (my now husband) later and I think it would be weird if you were here when he showed up..." And the response fully equip with tears was, "you can be a real bitch sometimes you know that?" Yes I do...I accept that fully, now beat it I have to get ready. Sometimes I do not realize that being honest yet delicate should go hand in hand.

Like any self respecting nutcase I have songs that basically sum up my relationships. But unlike the ones who match them to Backstreet Boys's - As Long As You Love Me, I am more apt to suggest Stone Temple Pilots and Audioslave, because I love their songs and they tug at your heart but they don't even know what they're about. Maybe being a junkie is the way to figure it out. Grab a needle and put on STP's Purple Album on, and please translate it for me. Any takers? I'm lieing a little bit here, most of the songs I have chosen to share with you all are songs that almost any woman can relate to, and of course I'll post the youtube videos to go along with it in case any of you other crazy bitches out there "don't know these songs"...please I know you do.

As was said on Dragnet :"Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent" Actually I'm going to change some of the names just because it seems like the polite thing to do. But I'm sure some of you out there with half a brain can put some pieces together and solve the great puzzle that is my life.

The First: Let's call him Rex

Beginning of relationship song: Tom Petty - Free Fallin'

I'm not going to spend much time on this one because he was the one who didn't love me back. I fell in love with some one when I was 16 and throughout the time we were together I put on 99% of the effort and in the end was disrespected. I really did love him he was funny and stupid and unfortunately a reckless cheater. However I loved being around him though because, he could make the room light up, well and lets be honest my joint. At 17 and 18 and even years after I stayed in love with this person despite other relationships, probably based on his charisma. But after bailing one out of jail time after time there is only so much this chick could take. The last straw came for me when him and I were 'on again' and I found out he was still 'on again' with someone else (who I am currently friends with). In fact they apparently were never 'off' as she told me. A few months later, I was working at the bar and I got a phone call at 12pm, and he asked me to come to the RPD and get him out, I did. Yet the next day I felt raped and pissed off. Why was I the one he called? Because he loved me? hahahahaha no. Because I was the only asshole he could con with 1000 dollars cash in my wallet at that time of night. I was tired and I was done. How do I know he never loved me and that he was just a user? Because when you have loved someone you should always respect them in one way or another even if you are pissed off at them, and he always seemed to get a low blow in whenever he could. It's a really fun feeling.

End of relationship song: Staying with the same artist here: Tom Petty - Don't Come Around Here No More, it was a tie

The Nice Guy: Let's call him Mark

Beginning of relationship song: Alanis - Head Over Feet

I really fell hard and fast for Mark because he was just I really nice guy. From the beginning and still now I have nothing but good things to say about him. He worked hard, he didn't do or deal drugs and he was really really good to me. Since we were both coming off "serious" relationships, we thought it was a great idea to jump in with both feet and live together. He was more of a country guy for my taste. I still don't really get the whole cowboy thing, like homes you live in Connecticut, I mean I guess Bethel is the hillbilly side of Redding, but really?! I ran with it anyway, I listened to that cry me a river music and played along but we lived about an hour away from all of my friends and work so it was a pain in the ass commute and I never saw anyone. Playing house for me got a little old and that itch of seriousness was starting to get to me. And of course as a fore mentioned Rex was still in my head. So I did what all of us girls do when we think we should break up with some one, try to get them to do it first! I stayed out late and I partied and he didn't seem to be bothered. He then said to me straight faced, "you know in the next year or so I want to start a family..." Everything went blank from the on and I had to get the hell out of there. So without hesitation I told him flat out, expecting tears that I was moving out and he said "ok, you're going to get back with your ex right? I think I'll call mine too." And just like that with in two days we were separated and "happily" back with our ex's, he later married his, then divorced. It was as easy as a fucking credit card transaction to get out of that relationship and it was amazing, I felt so free!

End of relationship song: The Wreckers - Cigarettes

This was when I wanted to do nothing but have fun so be prepared for less melodrama and crying and more alcohol consumption.

The Builder: Justin

Beginning of relationship song: Gwen Stefani: Luxurious

To say this was a relationship is a drastic over statement. He was a Guido I met at the hardware store I worked at. And He was a structurally beautiful male. He was always tan, had a long island accent, drove a beautiful truck and had a bad tribal tattoo on his arm... swoon. We had fun, I introduced him to my friends once and they just didn't get it at all. Both of those friends were my two best male friends. Justin was a little bit ghetto yet enough Long Island for me coming off of my year in the "country"... Again he was stupid and for some reason I love that about people. What I really respected about this Pisan was that he called when he wanted me around, or I would call him, other then that we left each other alone. I met his dad, who I loved, such a funny guy and I think he loved the fact that I didn't want to like get to know the family. We were "together" for about 6 months or so and I thought, well I could start to like wife this kid up, so we talked about it and apparently that was too complicated so we just kind of fizzled out and I was slightly disappointed. But on a scale of 0 to fun, he was fun.

End of relationship song: The Cranberries - Linger

(I chose this song for the chorus)

The "Good Guy": Let's call him Vince

Only relationship song: Deana Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For this?

People told me to stay away from this one so obviously, that was like a moth to the flame expression to me. Even my grandparents liked him. Turns out Vince was fun when he was drunk, but completely over compensating. Sorry you're not a man if I have to do all the work all the time...just for that. I'm done with this one, good guy to have as a friend but is cursed with an inflated ego with nothing to back it up. So again to my two best male friends, you were right...again.

The Divorcee: Let's call him Ryan

Beginning of relationship song: TheWreckers - Only Crazy People Fall In Love With Me

This one was a cocky ass hole who all my friends hated. All of them including my family. He was coming off a divorce, I know I know but I didn't know her. He also was only 4 years older then me so don't get ahead of yourself. Anyway something about him was attractive, probably his I don't give a fuck attitude. We started seeing each other and I really did not care what other people said. But he started getting distant so of course I pushed harder for some kind of relationship. Who doesn't want to date someone who everyone hates. And in true asshole form he stopped calling altogether and starting "dating" some moose that who I thought was a good friend of mine. Bitch don't ask about how my relationship is if you are planning on walking all over it the next week. We are no longer friends, apparently unbeknownst to her. I really think that this relationship didn't work because for 1. He didn't want one and for 2. He wasn't dumb enough for me. I like to be dumb enough to make me laugh at them, and let me have a laugh too. He was always trying to hard to be the cool guy and 90% of the time didn't really know what he was talking about, he had no room to make fun of himself. Although it wasn't a really serious thing the end of it pissed me off.

End of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Gun Powder and Lead

The Last: Chris

Beginning of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Strings
To avoid any other explanation I ran away to North Carolina because I felt like it. I met Chris a couple days later and I loved him right away. It terrified me because it had been a long time since I felt that way. We had a lot of fun and were, really good drinking friends. He was equally cocky and stupid. He made me laugh and smile every minute. He once told me that he always pictured ending up with a "southern belle" type person, and instead he got a short, mouthy nut job who sounded like she was from Jersey"". I'll take that as a compliment. We went to Myrtle Beach a couple of times and I don't think that I could have been happier. We had our first fight when the second time he took me down there, he borrowed a friends mustang. He had not driven a stick shift in a "while", but he thought there was something wrong with the car, so I made a suggestion that maybe I could drive it and see if I could guess what was wrong with it. So of course I took full advantage and put that car to the test. It drove great, handled beautifully and was in perfect driving condition. Apparently that was a bad idea for me to do. I was later told that, no one had emasculated him that way before, but it was really hot. I didn't drive the rest of the weekend. I got pregnant, we got married. But the only thing that hasn't changed in 3 years, is that I love him and he still makes me laugh, He pisses me off like no one else but more often then not I'm laughing at him and with him, then fighting or feeling like a piece of shit. We have had our hard shit that we have gone through but so far it has been worth it. There is no end song for this one because we haven't ended. Happy anniversary babe. (He probably won't read this as he doesn't particularly understand the blog, and my need to be so direct)

Don't get me wrong there were other blips on the map but I think all the ones above were worth mentioning...And at least made me who I am today, a crazy bitch who loves reality tv, general hospital and my family

Now here are 10 rules for dating a twat like me, enjoy:

Do not take yourself too seriously, do not hold in a fart
Embrace my alcoholism
Do not stop partying before I do
Do not or have ever been on Jdate
Be yourself, because the person you are trying to be sucks
Must love hound dogs including their smells and weekly maintenance
Do not ever tell me to be quiet
Be prepared for your feeling to be hurt (unintentionally)
Hold my hair back when I vomit and then proceed to call me pretty (ignore the smell)
Do not ever point out how you just bought that box of wine, bad idea my friend

Well I have enjoyed this one I really have and I apologize for my skepticism about two people living happily ever after together. I do know couples that have been together for along time and I think that is great for them, and congratulations on still being alive!

Also sorry for all the country songs, but those people write better angry songs then my favorite heroin addict Scott Weiland. He doesn't know what the hell is going on. He just found out last year he was butt fucked when he was 7... just saying.

Love - R

The Duggars

2012-02-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

Bad Drivers

2012-02-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

Commercials

2012-02-22T20:05:00.000-08:00

There are few things that I love to do. I love to love, I love to cook and I love to drink. That sounds simple however there is one thing that I love above all, bad commercials. I love them because who goes to a plastic surgeons office when they're having a 2 for 1 special? What a waste of money! They also really make make you look like an ass hole. Also, they differ regionally as well. When Chris and I lived in NC they were almost all homemade family style commercials. Up here in MI it's a whole different ball game. Here are some of my favorites:

Ok, this is just fucking gross. I don't give a shit what is going on in your vagina. Never in my life have I felt like there was a porcupine in between my legs, or that kind of smell. Gross gross gross. I mean I will admit from time to time I have slacked off on shaving my legs, but I have always taken care of my feminine area. As men have their 3 S's that they have (shit, shower and shave), I also have my 3 S's when it comes to that "area" of my life. Shower, soap and shave. That way I will never need any of these products. Maybe there are more people who should adopt this philosophy. Also, I would like to add that there is a product out there called the vagisil screening kit. I think that this is obscene. If you're going to pay 35 dollars to see if you have some kind of issue down there, you might as well just go to the doctor who can 100% give you a diagnosis. And if you think you have a yeast infection treat it, if it doesn't go away, go to the doctor. Do not spend extra money trying to self diagnose. This is not a DIY project.

This cracks me up because what is more horrendous then the ending of this is the creepy misogynistic tones of the whole thing. Like sorry sir, your daughter is ugly as fuck and you are an ass hole. That is all I have to say here.

This is my favorite thing ever! This is a Michigan thing. But I cannot get over this. Ok, Richard is blind, but do you think someone could steer his face toward the camera at least once? I am not going to say anything else here because it's going to get rude. Please enjoy, and please please leave comments.

I love you! ----- <3R

Bad Tattoos 2

2012-02-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have booked my appointment to do a sleeve! I'm going in on March 28th. It has been a long time coming and I am terrified. With that said, I figured it was time for this blog. I really enjoyed doing the first one and with that here we go:

Face Tattoos:
Again I do think this is always a bad idea. However I do find Kat Von D very hot.

Just think, what's under the hair?

I actually don't have words

Timmy here was probably arrested for pissing in public.
Thinks he is a badass because him and Lil' Wayne have the same "Killer" tat.

Really because I couldn't tell by the knee high Doc Martins,
shaved head and gotee. What an ass hole

My Strange Addiction: I fucked my chess board

What a world traveler

Pretty sure the only pussy this guy ever ate was at
China best last week

Tribute Tattoos:

Aww someone cares more about Maddox Jolie Pitt then his
mother who has no attention for him anymore because
she has 5000 other kids. Suck on that Angie, MADDOX4LIFE

"Sounds like somebody needs laser surgery."
Santa, all I want for Christmas is this shit off

What she should have done is gotten his eyebrows tattooed on her
not that that would have been a great idea, just better then this one

Where is the umbrella? That added so much to the picture!

People DO realize that he was in many more movies
which made him look more attractive...Right?

He was not

TV Show Tattoos:

Where is Tigg when you need him? This guy is an idiot.
Obviously he doesn't watch the show.

Awww Glee, looks like these chunkers don't really practice any
of the moves on their beloved show.

Why on the thighs?

Oh yeah here is Scooby, just chillin' on my back

What the fuck is this, the tramp stamp of a 5 year old?

"Now this is a story all about how my life got turned upside down
and Id'e like to take a minute like to just sit right there and
tell you how I became the prince of a website called 'I'm a fucking idiot'."

Stupid People with Stupid Tattoos:

Amber Portwood- That is a picture of her daughter whom she loves so much.
If I was her daughter I would punch her in the mouth

Janelle- YOLO, what the fuck does this mean? I have an idea
YES ORAL ejacs LOVED ON my face

Kaylin- Who is she talking about here? Joe, Issack or Jordan?
Because the only thing that would have made this worse is a name!

What the hell is that? And why is Miley with a Baldwin brother?

This doesn't sound like it was ever a good idea.
Good news Tom Arnold, her voice could probably make that jump off your skin

Aww is he crying because he realizes he's big of an ass hole as we do?
Or because he can't get that shit off his teeth?

This tattoo almost makes me wish for a divorce

I love you all, hope you enjoyed~ R

Gripe

2012-02-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

I know that everyone has that thing that pisses them off. But I am talking about pet peeves that almost any human being would be irritated with. I reached out to some friends their qualms and mine are listed below, please enjoy:

"Bad grammar" I know I am not perfect but some people really need some work.
"Look before you ask." Do not ask me where something is before looking first. Open the refrigerator and look for the giant jug of milk before asking me where the milk is. You have eyes, use them.
"Women who pee on the seat." This is just disgusting and nasty. Get it in the bowl ladies. And if you can't get it in the bowl, wipe up after your damn self.
"Do not ever tell me that my dog smells or anything negative about her." Daisy is a loving gentile animal. She loves to lay around and do nothing and she loves everyone." She is a hound dog so yes she may smell a little more pungent then other animals, but I do bathe her on a regular basis so shes not a stink-pot. With that being said, do not call me and tell me that I can come over but Daisy cannot, and repeat to me 300 fucking times that she stinks and that she stunk up you're house the last time she was over. You did not have to steam clean your carpets because my precious Daisy was laying on them for a couple hours. Please get a hobby.
"Do not tell me that I should go to church." I'm not gonna say much here and start some shit, but just don't fucking do it.
"Bad eating habits" You know who you people are, snapping your gum, chewing with your mouth open and smacking that food all up in your mouth. These things are just foul.
"Hygiene." Men: brush your teeth daily. Clean hair out of sink after you shave, also use deodorant liberally. Ladies: see number 3.
"Do not go to Costco with your whole family." There is absolutely no reason for this at all, people are perfectly capable of doing something alone or with one other person. You are not required to bring a pack of people to an already crowded area. Also, "Do not go there just to eat." There are other establishments where one can buy lunch. They're called restaurants.
"Bluetooth." Get off that fucking ear piece and talk to me like a human, not like I am the one who is interrupting you. You also look like an asshole walking around talking to yourself.
"Do not ever talk when a movie and or TV is on." You have been watching this just as long as I have. Figure it out and shut the fuck up. Especially when it's not about what is on the TV I do not give two shits that you put gas in your broke ass car today, I'm watching a mother fucking movie!
"Adult women who wear braided pigtails." You are in Stamford, Ct do you see any farms around here? No there are not. And if you wear those high ones like one of those Japanese anime characters you've got a fucking problem. You're not a cartoon with a creepy open mouth, and you're not a porn star, playing Rudolf while Santa drills you out and holds onto your reigns. Get over it you're not 5 anymore.

I'm sure I can think of more however the more I think of my peeves, the more I realize they are with specific people. And trying not to be a big twat about things, I rest my list here!

Enjoy---- R

Men and the 7 Deadly Sins

2012-01-25T12:47:00.000-08:00

After talking to some of my friends this week and kind of discussing what our significant others have "issues" with I have come up with that, their problems really parallel the 7 deadly sins. Of course all of you know I am not a religious person; however I do think that there are some things that the Churches got right. I take that back, I don't know of it was something that they really hit the nail on the head with or, if it was just easier for them to explain away if they put in religious texts and said you would go to hell for doing such things.

The 7 deadly sins are:

1. Lust

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Sloth

5. Wrath

6. Envy

7. Pride

I think that there are so many men out there who don’t even know that they are doing these things. Now guys, don’t get all in a wad about this, I am sure I will also pick on women with this in the future. Without further ado here are how I see men and the 7.

1. Lust

Definition: Lust or lechery (carnal "luxuria") is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.

My Definition: Do not fuck around on your woman, period. I don’t give a shit what the excuse is. Do not do it. There is no reason to lust after someone else if you are married or in a relationship. Yes, I may lust after Channing Tatum or Tommy Lee on occasion, but in reality they don’t even know who the hell I am. Also, a woman who knowingly involves themselves with a man who is in a committed relationship is not really a woman, and he is not really a man.

2. Gluttony

Definition: meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony (Latin, gula) is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste.

My Definition: Do not stuff yourself to the point that you need to lay down for a couple hours. Just pace yourself for Christ sake. Taco Bell will be there tomorrow. You do not need to eat like it is the last fucking bean burrito on earth. I think what bothers me most about this is that Chris eats like that every time he eats anything. If we have burgers I take about 3 bites and he’s already done. Last night I was in the bathroom and saw that someone did not replace the toilet paper, so I asked Chris to come in and hand me a roll. As he walked into the bathroom he had one of those Little Debbie oatmeal cookie pies hanging out of his mouth. So in a minute I came out of the bathroom only to find him in the kitchen still eating the at most 2” round cookie. So I asked him if that was a second one and he adamantly denied that it was. So I told him that I figured as soon as he left me on the thrown, he probably deep throated what was left of that one while walking down the hallway and then helped himself to another one. After saying that, his face turned quite pale and he started laughing like I caught him with his hand in the jar. Of course I was right and it was his second snack, and he just couldn’t believe that I caught him without being in the room.

3. Greed

Definition: Greed (as seen by the church) is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power

My Definition: I’m not going to say much about this but all I can really think of is those cutthroat business type people. No one I have dated really had any money and neither have I so, this one I happily bow out of.

4. Sloth

Definition: The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter. Since this contrast with a more willful failure to, for example, love God and his works, sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than of commission.

My Definition: Fucking lazy people. I hate lazy people more than anything. I understand being lazy occasionally, like lazy days on the couch. What I don’t get are people who are just naturally potatoes. I have also found that the more you ask a lazy person to do something the meaner they become. If Chris is feeling lazy and I ask him to do something, you would think that I was asking him to go run 30 miles. First you get tuned out, then it’s, “UGH yeah I will do it in a minute”, followed by, “yeah I heard you the first 30 God damned times”, then stomping off like a child, and finally wanting me to be so thankful. For instance he would like to hear, “Baby thank you so much, next time I will just get it myself I know you had a hard day.” When in reality I have no problem saying how I really feel in the most passive aggressive way, “ohhhhh my God, thank you so much for putting down the PS3 remote and getting your fucking ass off the couch for two fucking minutes to get something for me since I have my hands full making your dinner. And don’t worry babe, when we fool around later I’ll get on top the whole time.” Please.

5. Wrath

Definition: Wrath (Latin, ira), also known as "rage", may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger

My Definition: As we speak Chris is screaming and yelling at the TV because he cannot get his PS3 player to do what he wants. Like who cares. To me it is a little funny because he kind of looks like a 5 year old who can’t pass a level in Tiny Toon Adventures (shout out Allison Rockwell). He also last night couldn’t get his cell phone to work so he punched it. Well about an hour after that I saw that he had a cut on his hand and I asked him what it was from. Without getting a response, I asked, “Did the phone fight back?” He did not think this was funny, but I did get a good laugh at it. I can tell the moment he is about to lose it because that vein on his temple starts to pulse and looks like it’s about to burst.

6. Envy
Definition: First, greed is largely associated with material goods, whereas envy may apply more generally.
Second, those who commit the sin of envy not only resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, but also wish the other person to be deprived of it.
My Definition: I always see this as like a dick sizing contest. I mean, who has the nicer truck? Does it have nice flashy lights on it? Does it have huge blaring sirens on it? I mean really at the end of the day who really cares? There is no bigger turn off then a guy that thinks I give a shit what kind of car he drives.

7. Pride

Definition: In almost every list, pride (Latin, superbia), or hubris, is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of the others. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God).

My Definition: How about have some fucking pride for yourself. Maybe brushing your teeth once a day is a good idea! Pants are a good thing to wear on a daily basis. Deodorant is a beautiful and wonderful thing that was invented, and so were showers and razors. Clean your damn self-up. Looking like a homeless person is gross. Greasy hair is gross. It is not my job to ask you on a daily basis if you have showered or done any of the above. It was your mother’s job when you were 5. I love the excuse that they were busy. No you were not. You were playing video games and lost track of time somehow. Do you need me to make you a supernanny hygiene chart? Chris said to me last night, “You’ll be so proud of me; I cleaned my ears out today.” I just sat there stunned, like wow, congrats, I do that twice a day (anal I know) But really how excited can I really be that he performed an act of cleanliness upon himself that should be done every day? So, I just smiled and said good for you baby.

I’m sure many of you understand all of this, yet we put up with it on a daily basis… I don’t get it myself.

Love all of you ---R

Shit My Husband Says

2011-12-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

Chris does tend to say some funny things but none more perfectly spoken until he has a drink. I do what I like to call field work, I observe him in his natural habitat and make note of all of it on my blackberry to be used against him later. Here are some of my favorites that I have that the smarts to write down.

"I just mouth fucked your mouth." - This was in response the virgin diaries on TLC
"I'm would take that burger to the smush room." - Watching Man V Food
"Oh Santa why don't you just fuck me in that sleigh." - Addressing this http://www.youtube.com/embed/Db4YYKtwv8k
"Birds can't fly!!!! Faggot!--- I mean swim, birds can't swim." - When Chris O'Donnell falls in the water at the end of Batman forever
"I bet Chris O'Donnell has a little fuckin' wanker" - I made the mistake of telling him in 1994 I would have spread 'em for Mr. O'Donnell
"All I saw out of that commercial was the white man overcome he nigre (that would be hillbilly for nigger) - No you didn't, a white man approached a group of black men and then ran away.. Calm it down Hitler.
"I don't know what you're freaking out about?!?! They're my balls!!! - This gem came out after I observed him eating a piece of chocolate in left hand and his right hand was clearly in his pants. After I said something he finished candy, took hand off balls, then switched hands....

It wouldn't be fair if I did not include the two most recent idiotic things to come out of my mouth either so here you go.

"Well I would be the American. There was always one American and two foreign." - Who I wanted to be in Global Guts!
"I rather make a doodie on your chest then do that." - I actually don't remember what I was talking about, but this is what usually comes to mind when I do not want to do something...regardless of who I am talking to.

I love you all. I hope you have a happy Christmas weekend and I wish I was home celebrating with you guys!
<3 Always --- R

Life's Questions 2

2011-12-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome to month 2 of life's questions:

Is there a reason I'm still awake?
Is this pill enough?
Is this real life?
Why does this guy think I want to sleep with him?
Am I wearing too much makeup?
Am I wearing enough makeup?
Is my poop supposed to look like that?
Is it normal for once piece to float and the rest sinks?
Do I have to be friends with her?
Did I shave my armpits?
Can I take a nap in the shower?
Am I going to have sex tonight?
Do I really have to shave my legs?
Will he notice?
Is my period going to come soon?
Does Ryan Seacrest sleep?
Do all the people on say yes to the dress: big bliss look like Patrick from Sponge Bob?
Is it normal for me to want to look and dress like Tiffany Amber Thesen and Venessa Marcil from BH 90210 still?
What the hell am I going to do with my life?
Can I get my tubes tied now please?
Are chunky heeled shoes going to come back into fashion again soon?
If I am attracted to Mario Lopez does that make me a lesbian?

Love you all! ---R-

Bad News and Oxycodone

2011-12-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

     Well, I guess it's time to spill the beans, I'm sure some of you already know, but Chris will be coming back into the states in the next 2 days. He decided it was best to leave the position in Kuwait and come home. The job was dangerous and they failed to hold up to their end of the deal. He had been there with an expired visa for over a month and this company did not give two shits. And lets be honest, I don't feel like him being on the show locked up abroad. I am very proud of him for even taking the chance to do this and I know that it was very hard for him to be away from his family.
     With that said, it makes me sad to have to say that we will be returning to Michigan. It is absolutely impossible for us to get by around here and with the extra stress of looking for a new job, we don't need it. Obviously Michigan is not my first choice but my in-laws, Randy and Joy, have been more than accommodating of our situation. I'm hoping that we will be able to spend Christmas here with my family and have some time with friends when he comes home, but I do not know how realistic that will be. I Can't say that this is going to be an easy thing to go back there, seeing as it is clearly not my home, but again my in-laws are great people and I do love being around them.
      I love you all very much and I know that this sucks. Now that I have totally cried my eyes out (period time), I would like to tell you about my wisdom teeth being removed the other day and what a hot mess I was.

     So, obviously with this job of Chris's coming to an end I had to get these fucking teeth out of my mouth ASAP. They have been coming in for the last 5 years or so and I thought since they never hurt that was going to be the end of it. Well, it wasn't. Over the past two weeks they have been hurting like a mother-fucker. So Monday morning I call the dentist and he says to come into the office in 20 minutes and he can do it. Let me also say that I have the greatest fear of teeth and dental work on the planet. I hate looking or thinking about teeth. Dentures make me want to vomit all the blood out of my body they are so fucking disgusting. So I had my Grandfather Bob, love him, take me to the appointment, seeing as though he is retired and should get off facebook. So, in full panic attack mode waiting for him to arrive at my house I start jumping. Just jumping around like an idiot, completely stunned out of my mind that this was actually going to happen. All these thoughts came racing through my head, "omg, someone is going to be in my mouth", "omg it's going to fucking hurt", "omg I'm going to vomit". There was no end to the thoughts I was having. They were insane and they want as far as, them not putting me out and ripping them out, then laughing about it. I know I have a complex.
    So Bob gets here, I make him drive because I am in full attack mode. Don't ever drive with him, he stayed behind a semi all the way up rt 7 onto the highway...it's a two lane road now, PASS HIM!!! We get to the office and I fill out the paper work and they take x-rays, and I have to wait about another 45 minutes because the obese diabetic man in front of me had to have all of his top teeth removed, shocking I know.
     I go into the room, I tell the Dr. how scared I am, still jumping up and down, and he just looks at me and says, "Ma'am sit down and let me get you a sedative." haha It was love it first deep breath. I had gas and an IV to knock me out.
     I wake up in a completely different room, which creep-ed me out. So I did some Kiegles to make sure I wasn't raped. I wasn't. I hear my grandfather tell me to get up and that it was time to go. Then they start telling me about all this medication I have to take, when to take them and so on. All I heard was like the noise when an adult talked in Charlie Brown.
   Well, I get home take my medicine and pass the fuck out. Later to realize I have stitches in my mouth. AHHHHHHHHHHHH another thing that I hate more than old people. UGH they make me think of Silence of the Lambs when that creeper is sewing together that lady suit. Omg gross. I had one stitch in my finger once and I made my mom take care of it for me for two weeks. I am a baby when it come to that shit. Apparently I needed the stitches because the teeth were impacted and the gum's had grown over them and started to grow over some of my other teeth. Who knew they were so aggressive. Anyway so they had to cut away the gum and re-affix it back to my mouth with stitches. Still just makes me want to vomit.

   In addition to this I asked some friends about their experiences and here is what they said:

Cherrie: I once took an Oxycontin that was intended for a 300+ pound man and was giggling like an idiot in the parking lot of for Pete's sake deli..
Me: How long were you there for and why did you take it?
Cherrie: I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes just laughing...by myself. I was trying to wait for it to pass so it would be acceptable for me to drive. I took it for the knots in my back. Let me tell you, it worked like a fucking charm.
LOVE HER BEYOND WORDS.

Bethany: I had to have emergency surgery once and when I woke up; I tried to give my doctor a hug and then asked my dad if he could get me a blunt. Not okay.
Bethany's 2nd experience:   Also lol when I got my wisdom teeth out, they had given me anti nausea medicine that made me a psycho and I became the hulk. Was trying to yell at and physically harm everyone (nurses and doctors included) despite the cotton in my mouth and also took a swing at my sister. It was a disaster and I have no recollection of any of it. This is just what I was told. Lol

By the way Bethany has a blog and if you are an avid reader of mine you will love hers here is the link: http://sassafrasssy.blogspot.com/

     I took Allison to get her wisdom teeth out. After she was done she was done she went into the recovery room and let me tell you her nurse was an idiot. The woman hands me the packet of what we should and should not do and eat and such. So as I'm reading this list over it says not to use a straw or hot food or cold food. Also, not to eat dairy because it will rot out the sockets. So as I finnish up, this nurse comes back in and says "Alright, hun! Well I think you're ready to go home! I think you should stop at McDonalds on the way home and get a nice cold milkshake!" Lady maybe you should read this because you basically just fucked up your job.

Love you all --R

What I am Thankful for...

2011-11-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

Obviously I am thankful for all the normal shit like family, friends and free blog pages! Really though, I like holidays but I'm always cynical about how people only get together on holidays. Here are the things that I am thankful for this joyful holiday season.

Wine - 90% of the time I find that it is my best option
Rx Drugs - 100% of the time they keep me from killing someone
Daisy -She is the hairy love of my life, well when Chris isn't around
Penises - In a sexual way only, other that that you are looking at prison time (thanks B)
Lady Gaga - I wish I had the balls that she had to do what she does and act however she feels
Deodorant - Do I really have to say?
The Notebook - Just when I think my tear ducts are filled with sand, this movie reminds me I'm still human
Sons of Anarchy - Makes me hopeful that there are actually outlaws out there and maybe, just maybe one day I can be one.
Pasta - Feeling sorry for myself food always has a place on this list
Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee - For being the best role models for me out there!
Laxatives - Helps a sista out from time to time
Liquid Eyeliner - Makes me look like I actually try
Push up Bras -I can only wish that one day I won't need one...
Mashed Potatoes and Stuffing - See explanation for pasta
Mascara - Makes me look not anemic
Television - What else would I have to talk about if it wasn't for TV?
Laguna Beach - Where would LC be now? Who else's clothes would I buy at Kohl's
Long Island - The very convenient escape that all of us make fun of. I will always love LI 4 LIFFFEEE

I of course am always thankful for my friends and family and here is why:

My Mother: I will repeat this as I did in my first ever post: She is a powerhouse of a human. This woman can drink and smoke me under the table of she wanted to. I love that about her. I hate however how she cannot watch one movie without talking through it.
David: My stepfather is literally the sweetest man alive. He would do anything for anybody. Also, when he has a good party face on he will tell you over and over again how much he loves you. Ex "Allison, you're not my daughter, you're not even Michelle's daughter, but I love you like you were my daughter." Ahhhh love
Allison: My best friend and my sister (not biologically) we love our wine time and to shop. I have known Allison forever. We laugh and cry together and I'm sure 30 years from now she will still be on this list. And Amanda of course.
My Grandparents: I love them to death, however challenging they can be. I'm not going to say too much more on that, other than I love them dearly and that when they get old and forgetful, they're going into a home. Anyone who knows my grandfather will understand why. Talk about the 2 nicest humans on the face of the earth. I have never met one person in my whole life who did not like them, and going through life like that is not easy to do.
Cherrie: My beautiful cousin, the sweetest human alive with a wild side. She is so smart and sassy, I just love her. We have daily BBM sessions in which we have a dick measuring contest with what we want to do with our lives. Nothing comes of it but we a get a laugh and it makes the day go by so quick.
Sam: My other beautiful cousin, I love her so much and for being my PIC for so many years!
Don Baker and Sara: Friends that I know I will always have and that are always around to have a laugh with. You can go 6 months to years with out seeing them and they are the same great people that they have always been and they'll be waiting for you beer in hand.
Brian R: My best Georgetown friend who I love so so much. He has always been a great friend to me and makes me laugh no matter what.
Joe: My first ever Marine bud. Daddy Frank introduced us and from there it was like 2 peas in a pod. I love you to death b/c you don't give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter and all questions can be answered with a shoulder shrug. And obviously Michelle for putting up with him.
Husband: Obviously he is at the top of my list but I figured that this was a good way to close. I love Chris so much, he makes me smile and laugh unlike anyone else. He is a foul person with crude intentions and I love it. He is the person who is most like me that I could have ever found. I can tell him anything and he has never told me I was out of line, which is hard in itself. My heart just breaks when he's away. So with that, I love you Hun!

I love all of you - R-

Lifes Questions

2011-11-13T19:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I find myself asking myself questions that only I could come up with. However wrong they may be I can't help but laugh at myself. I am also thinking about making this some kind of regular post, weekly or monthly something like that. Here are some of the most recent ones:

When is it appropiate to bring my own alcohol?
Why do old people like to smell like pine?
Is there a reason for "expectant mother parking"? and why is it ahead of the handicap people?
Is Nicolas Sparks a homosexual?
Does Jennifer Lopez need to tan?
Why does my dogs gas smell like eggs when she has not had an eggs?
Why do dogs chase cats?
Why does my dog not care about cats?
Who drives a Kia Sol?
What kind of alcohol says I'm trying to grow up but still be drunk?
Is wine a good alternative to cocaine?
Why are tampons circular and only obsorb on its polar sides and then ruin my 20$ panties?
Is there a road map to life and where can I buy one?
Can I purchace someone a wife for Christmas?
Why do people I went to high school with want to be friends with me still?
Why do the Stone Temple Pilots make me want to kill myself but I cannot turn them off?
Did Kurt Kobain (Spelling?) really kill himself?
Why am I expected to be fake nice to people?
Is there a way to teleport to Brookfield so I don't have to drive in lunchtime traffic?
Why does the Danbury mall think that it's in Manhattan?
Is my attachment to my dog normal?
What is everyone elses problem?
What is my daughters problem?
Should I put my box of wine in a bag to enter someones home?
What does Daisy dream about?
What does Shannon Sossamon do now?
Will I ever touch Donnie Walburgh?
Can I have an engagement ring please?
Who can I tell that I wish bad things on other people?
Is there something else I'm supposed to be doing?
Will I ever own a midget?
Is the previous racist, sexist or.....?
Why is walmart still open?
How do I become famous without fucking a black man with a crooked penis or Rick Solomon?
Is there a social networking site that I can use where I can actually say what I want to?
Should I have another glass of wine?
Why is my gas worse close to my period?
Why does my period last for 3 weeks on occasion?
When they tie your tubes are they really tied?
When do I start Christmas shopping?
If mama Cass was so fat shouldn't her wind pipe have been big enough to fit a chunk of sandwich?
Is guilt a normal human emotion?
Is there something I should be doing?
Can I buy an Asian to do my nail and wax my eye brows?
Why do people buy other people musical Hallmark cards?
Do I have to put makeup on to go out?
Do I have to be friends with hillbillys?
What if those hillbillys date a friend of mine?
Why do people look at the past like a bad thing, not like I dodged a bullet?
Why do I care about offending people?
Can I pretend to like you while you tell me your life story so I can repeat it to Allison and laught at you later?
Are claw hair things still out of style
What am I supposed to do with a Ford Fusion...really?
Should I have more pictures of my daughter and less of my dog?
What is a Wiz Kalifa?
Does anyone see this as fucked up as I do?

I love all of you and I wil leave you with this beautiful picture of my favorite baby <3 R

Can I Jam This Ice Pick Into My Ear?

2011-11-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

As I was writing yesterdays blog and I started to bitch about LMFAO and their hideous choice in a career, I started to think what other songs really have dumb ass lyrics. Then this morning I was going for a walk with my kid in Bethel to clear my head and I heard a song that will be listed below and I thought what possesses someone to write them down let alone song it out loud. And who was the asshole that produced this? He should be shot. I'm going to try my best to find videos for these atrocities so that if you don't know the songs by name you can hear these little audio sodomies yourself. I would also like to add that I am listening to Queen and David Bowie and LOVING IT.

Keri Hilson - Pretty Girl Rock http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtXOVKNazYU

My name is Keri, I'm so very, Fly oh my, it's a little bit scary, Boys wanna marry, looking at my derrière And you can stare but if you touch it Imma bury Pretty as a picture

Sweeter than a swisher Mad 'cause I'm cuter than the girl that's with you
I don't gotta talk about it baby you can see it But if you want I'll be happy to repeat it

All eyes on me when I walk in, No question that this girl's a 10 Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful My walk, my talk, the way I drip
It's not my fault, so please don't trip Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful

No one wants to marry someone because they have a nice ass, lets start off with this. I like to think that I have a nice caboose, but no one has ever said to me "Hey Ma, you gotta nice ass wanna wife up." and OBVI that would be an immediate disqual. And saying shes as pretty as a picture, sure shes a cute girl as you can see in the video, but lets be honest, anyone who thinks that highly of themselves to me looks like Rosie. And she may be cuter than you girlfriend, but I'm sure your girlfriend isn't a giant bitch with a queen complex. No one has the right to call themselves a 10, you are always biased to yourself. How about step away from your mirror face, everyone looks better when they're staring at their make up an inch away.

Karl Wolf - Ghetto Love http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=karl+wolf+ghetto+love&aq=2&aql=f&oq=karl+

I am the man who will fight for your honor I'll be the hero that you're dreamin' of We'll live forever, knowin' together That we did it all for this ghetto ghetto love I'm lookin' at this sexy girl from a distance
She's so damn style I'm a witness Let me tell ya woah Move that thing ya woah Let me tell ya
And then I take her to the parking lot Jump into my car and straight to my spot say woah
Then she started a fight as we stepped out the club Only cause a fan trying give me a little hug Ok I heard this today and I suggest you watch the video. because it's a shitty one. First off, the chorus is a rip off of Peter Catera's "Glory of Love." And yes I know that no google use here. He probably just needed a pay check and that's why these people ripped his song. Second what is a ghetto love? Maybe I'll never know, but I would love someone to try to explain it to me. Is it like JLo and P.Diddy or Jay-Z and Beyonce? Or is it like Eminem and Kim? I am severely confused. What is moving like woah? Because when I see something that makes me say woah, it's not a good thing. Also you have no fans, and even if you did I am pretty sure they're like 12 I would have nothing to worry about, thanks for your concern. Lastly, I am not going to get into your car, you may have drugs in there and to be honest I don't want to go to jail over your dumb ass.

Whitney Huston - I Wanna Dance with Somebody http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH3giaIzONA&ob=av3e

Oh, wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah wanna dance with somebody With somebody who loves me So you don't want to dance with Bobby Brown or cocaine... got it.

J Lo - Jenny from the Block http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dly6p4Fu5TE&ob=av3e

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block Used to have a little, now I have a lot No matter where I go, I know where I came from (South-Side Bronx!)
From In Living Color to movie scripts To On the 6 to J. Lo to this headline clips
I stayed grounded as the amounts roll in I'm real, I thought I told you
I'm real, even on Oprah That's just me Nothin phony, don't hate on me What you get is what you see

Normally I have no problem with Hennifer, I really don't except on this song. We know you have a lot Jen you don't need to write a song about how real you are. And we all do know that you came from the Bronx, you say it in like every song you sing. I would not brag about your movie scripts they are not that great. I'm not talking about Gili I never saw it, I was thinking more Maid in Manhattan. Oprah doesn't care how real you are either, all that she knows is that you and her are real-ly rich.

Stone Temple Pilots - "Sour Girl" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxS4lqppZ6Y&ob=av3e

What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do if I follow?

I love Stone Temple Pilots with all of my heart. There is not one day that goes by that I don't listen to them. It is a must just to get out of bed in the morning for me. I love this song soooo sooo much, but this set of lyrics alone is disturbing. If Scott was following me I would love it let me tell you. What a beautiful human being. On the other hand if it was a nasty human I would call the cops.

Now I would like to list all of the bands and artists I listen to on the regular because they are spectacular, I'm sure most of you won't appreciate it:

Tom Petty - and all satellite bands of his
Queen
David Bowie
Audioslave
Stone Temple Pilots
The Wallflowers
Black Crows
P!nk
The Wreckers
Pearl Jam
The Alman Brothers
Ace of Base

I know some of them are not fantastic to everyone, but there is something about these 90's bands that I just can't kick.

We'll see if you guys get one tomorrow

<3 you ---R

Eye Twitch

2011-11-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

     Recently I have been overwhelmed with things that piss me off. I know that everyone is an individual and has their own right to act a certain way. FALSE. I personally feel that if you can not act like a civilized human, stay in your God damned home. You don't need to get behind the wheel and hold everyone else up. Stop acting like an ass hole, go home and take a pill. Being a dick to someone at the store isn't going to get you're point across. Maybe smile and be nice and possibly charming and you'll get what you want or at least closer to it.
     I went to the post office the other day and there was a man there talking to the post lady. So he starts asking her all these questions about the dumbest shit ever. "Hey hunny do you sell reams of paper here?" Um no sir its a post office not fucking staples. Then he says "What about cheerios?" Really dick, if you don't have something of value to say, don't say shit. The post lady nor me don't give a shit about you and we want you to hurry the fuck up so I can send a package to Marines in Afghanistan who really matter... move away from me.
     This snow storm was also a means to an end to my charming attitude. I assumed my local liquor store was closed because of the power outages. So, on my way back from the mall I went all the way through Bethel and on my way back was rerouted down a back road because the Town of Redding (aka Knapp Tree (no qualms with them)) was "working on the lines." Fine I have no problem with that except that it was down Umpawaug Road, which even on the best day is a beaten path. So as I'm balls deep down there, on the narrowest part of the road, I'm looking for one of Redding's finest to I don't know, direct traffic. Cricket Cricket. There is no cop anywhere in sight. And there are about 600 fucking cars on this road. Fantastic. So needless to say it took 45 minutes to go down Umpawaug Road an inch away from other peoples cars and Georgetown Package was open. Can we say instant eye twitch.
     I'm starting to get pissed off at other peoples relationships. I don't give a shit, how much you love each other. Stop telling me. Share it with someone else. I don't want to see you post music videos of lovey dovey songs on facebook, neither does your boyfriend or husband. I'll admit I will email one to Chris or send a private message to him with the song or whatever in it. But here's the secret to why I don't fall into the category. Because it's a God dam private message. Because these are our private feelings. I don't need or want my friends or Chris's friends being like "Jesus can she get off his dick for like 2 seconds?!"
     I also don't understand why that just because I'm married to someone I have to adopt all of their friends as my best friends? In my case it works because I love 95% of Chris's friends. But there are people I know who are up their spouses friends assholes. Like, chick leave these guys alone. They don't even like to talk to their mothers why do you think they want to shoot the shit with you? I also feel too like you can over do it with them, for instance, I am a proud American. I always if I see an old man with a service hat on say thank you for what they have done. It's a respect thing. What I don't do is go ape shit on days like Veterans Day, Memorial Day and such. For one, it makes you look like an attention hound. For two, no one gives a shit what you have to say. Okay? I find it very convenient how much you love the Marine boys and feel the need to share. I love them too, my mother loves them, my step-father loves them, join the fucking club. My Aunt Charlotte invited Mike B to visit them in FL at their retirement community, his response "I would love to go and sleep on ya fuckin' hammock." And she still loves them! So don't think you need to be the "only one" who is supportive, you look desperate. Also don't call them your Marines... I HATE that, "My Marines." Please the one your sleeping with is hardly yours. One trip to the Driftwood and he'll have Miss. Candypuss moved in, pregnant and and you'll be heading back to Ishotthatchipmunkfordinner, VA where you belong.
     LMFAO, you are not sexy and everyone knows it. You look like a bunch of homeless people dancing around for money. Your songs sound the same and they are horrible. Why would MTV have the Real World Miami 2 work for you? Really and champagne showers...is disgusting. If your fluids slightly resembled the taste of champagne, sure then that would be an appropriate saying. But it doesn't And I'm pretty sure a "champagne shower" in a club is a felony. Just a heads up. I would actually like to go ahead and say that I have XM radio in my car and I wish that when LMFAO came on my radio would reverse song seek and turn on another channel. I hate them.

I love you all and thank you for letting me vent -R

Bad Tattoos

2011-11-10T09:47:00.000-08:00

Ok people, I've gotten that itch for a tattoo again, so I figure this will help me wait at least a week to make that decision.
Have any of you ever seen a tattoo sooooo bad you want to actually cut that persons flesh off? I have and its hard not to. For the most part I love all of mine! I think I have somewhere around 20. And I would say that 18 of them are definitely staying. Most of the time if you do your research and take your time getting one you will not be disappointed. I do personally believe getting someones name tattooed on you is a bad idea, I know that first hand. Thank god I covered it up with an appropriate animal and it reminds me never to do that again! There was a girl I know once from Ridgefield, she was a couple years younger than me and she had her boyfriend initials tattooed right on the face of her vagina. CN. Outlined in black and colored in with turquoise. I immediately felt like she was an idiot and that it was a bad bad idea. I mean really. There is no coming back from that .Needless to say they broke up and he went to jail for 10 years for breaking a bottle over some chicks head or something. Oh love, how stupid. Here are some tattoos that I feel should never have been inked. Or at least someone should have shot the inkee before going in the door.

Portraits:
I always think that this is a bad idea. I think that most people don't have an eye for tattooing faces, here are the reasons why:

I'm pretty sure your dead wife loves this charming memorial

Why adoption is legal, if that was my kid, I wouldn't have picked it up from the maternity ward

I didn't know LeAnne Rhymes was a negro, she wears white people make up!
Maybe that's why her little brother divorced her!

Your baby looks cute with a odd head in color.
Your baby looks like and old version of Nelson Mandella on your back.

That boy is going to leave you for a stripper. You may have loved PFC in boot camp but he's coming back with a deployment check that you will not see... and all the other BRO's on base look like that hunny, find another one.

Oddly Placed Tattoos: People put shit in the strangest places...

Hey look, there's a pretty girl with a tattoo, OMG that shark is eating a baby...Move along

Animee is going to die one day... probably before you will.

I have nothing to say about this, other than good luck getting a job

Btw, that's a vagina
Chastity Bono's Old one?

This is foul

I would have hated to be this artist...

Obsessive tattoos: Logos and such

Oh Mozilla, How I love thee.

I think he loves Brenda... But does Brenda love skin head is the question?

There is a website about people like this

Shes a Barbie Girl! Obvi she and I were the only 2 people who bought the Aqua album

Should have thought differently about getting that tattoo

This is just stupid

Finger Tattoos:

So is your career search

I'm so gangsta. I'm so thug
Asian gangs 4 liiiiifeeee

mmmmm Saucy!

Tattoos of Disgusting Things or in Gross Places: I have no words for these, they are just foul.

Thanks for reading --- R

Why I Do Not Like Children

2011-10-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

     I have never known what to do around kids who are younger than me. I especially have a hard time with children children. I never know what to say or do when they're around, I feel like I have to entertain them. When you ask them what they want to do and their shoulders just shrug, like I am supposed to be the fun one? I am old and you are supposed to be the imaginative one. My imagination swings as far as vodka or rum. Club soda or juice. I don't give a shit about your PSP or DS. I mean is my dog supposed to entertain you? Because Daisy doesn't give a shit either. She does not fetch nor run. Have fun with that.
     What does one say to a child? You offer food and drink then what? How much children food are you supposed to have in your home at one time? And juice? I keep a limited supply that is mine. I also have a limited supply of food, especially things like Chewy bars or whatever the hell else a kid will eat. It doesn't take too much to sustain my 110lb frame so things such as roll-ups and dino oatmeal are things that will never be in my cabinet. Also, when someone comes to my house I ask them if they want a drink drink, not like water or soda. My options are always beer, wine and vodka. The end. Hopefully your child is teething when they come to my house.
     To further explain my core shaking fear, I feel like I cannot talk like a human in front of them either. I mean I talk to my kid as an adult because otherwise I feel like its insulting to her. I do however respect people who choose to shield their child from people like me. But I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to talk like a child, I am not a child anymore so I'm not going to ask your kid, "Do need some more juicy juice, you little snuggle muffin face?" No thanks. I rather not. When I ask you a question, I expect an answer. What do you want to watch on tv? (shoulder shrug) ANSWER ME!! For the love of god. What channel? Do not tell me a number. Channel numbers change regionally. Everyone knows that.
     And what is it with people who let their kids suck on a pacifier till they're 12? That kid is going to grow up and want to suck the nipples off all of his girlfriends. Or behead them and eat their body parts. I have no time for ineffective parents. Breast feeding is a horrible idea as well. Everyone says that this is a good thing for the baby...false. That kids now has an unhealthy attachment to his mother. They will be overly needy and clingy to anyone who even smells like their mother. And lets just say that the mother complex is not a fun thing. ( I am not talking about Chris, just to clarify.) Cut the cord people! Also don't threaten your kids. I don't want to hear you say, "Do you want me to tell your dad what you're doing?" Shut the fuck up and deal with your kid. You spread your legs and dropped it off, deal with the big boy part of this, because I can't listen to that kid anymore!

Thanks for letting me vent to you all
I love you -R

Shoot To Kill

2011-10-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

     So this is something that I am not pleased about to say the least. Hillbilly's and guns do not mix. On another note there are times when something like this makes me think what the hell was running through that rednecks mind when he told all of his deputies to shoot 48 rare animals dead. So last night I had a few, as usual, and put on my backwoods mind cap and came up with this. Something is going to get lost in the translation of this so I am going to try to sound out some words where I feel they need to be accentuated. Here is the Link to what actually happened: http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2011/10/19/police_seek_escaped_exotic_animals_in_ohio/
And with that I'll leave you to Captain Dipshitz report on what happened. Get your inner southern accent out people, you're going to need it.

     My name is Officer Dipshitz, and I am here to attest to what occurred in the woods on Tuesday of this week. I got a call on my CB UHradio and I was told that there was a animal disturbance out on Muskingum Farm. So I loaded my shotgun and headed out there. When I came to the scene, I saw that the owner had shot his head clean off. I mean why in gods creation would he shoot his face off. How is his momma gonna give him a proper burial with no face. I heard that when someone has no face they have to be cremated, and cremation is a sin. Jesus does not like burned up bodies. As I pulled up onto the farm, I saw many animals like big cats and monkeys and stuff, all prancin' around free like. I never saw so many animals runnin' around like that before. I called for backup and when they finished their breakfast and paid Jimmy the diner man they rushed right up here and asked me what to do. I told Loyd and Fred, SHOOT TO KILL, I REPEAT SHOOT TO KILL. We then all stealthy like swept the land and shot those deadly fuckers so that they wouldn't hurt any of our society. I mean could you imagine a tiger getting loose on Main Street?! Jimmy would have a stone cold fit. We would be getting all sorts of calls. I think in all we shot 200 animals. Our town is safe. There was one monkey that we have not found. I'm going to go on record and say that one of those devil cats ate it.
     I am getting all sorts of bad publicity from this. People are sayin' I was wrong to shoot the animals. But I'ma turn it right back on those people and say, "Hey, what if it was your town huh? Would you want the local zoo runnin', shittin' on your street?" I think that that would agree with me, Officer Dipshitz. I mean when I killed those animals I was in uhrage, and I could not control myself. It was like the good Jesus opened huntin' season early. Some of the animals were taken to the zoo and I don't think that that is a god idea at all. Those heathens are gonna kill a zoo worker. It happens everyday. Look at that tiger man in that Las Vegas, he was that cats best friend, against his better judgement, and that animal, that Satan's creature almost killed him. Because he trusted it. Shame on him. I don't even let my dog in the house. Duke Sleeps on the porch.
     I will always stand by my decision and say that those animals were on the move and that they were aggressive. And even if that monkey is alive he has herpes. I don't know where he got it and I am not prepared to say if the owner of the farm was mOlesting his monkey, but one can only speculate. He was not a nice man. And obviously not a good Christian. He blew his own face off.
     Well I got to get goin' there is a monkey on the loose with herpes and I'm gonna get it, he's mine. After this I will have no further comments. Thank you to our troops for protecting the great USA and thanks to us this town is safe from infected animals. I will leave you with a picture of all of Satan's creatures, that's me in the black.

Thank you for letting me be a complete idiot on a regualr basis, if there is anyone you guys would like me to speak for please let me know. I had a lot of fun with this and I hope to do it again.

Love always ---R

Pipedream

2011-10-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

     So I am sitting here eating veggie spring rolls and watching say yes to the dress big bliss, and thinking about things I should have done while I had the chance. I feel like everyone thinks this way from time to time. The way I'm thinking about it though is not in the traditional sense. Sure, I could have a college degree right now and I don't Wahh wahh, whatever. I've never measured success with a piece of paper that cost me 70,000 dollars. Yeah, Chris and I could have had a wedding and nice rings and all that happy shit, but guess what, I rather not see most of the people that should be invited and I'm too lazy to think about it. So in no way in those aspects would I say coulda, woulda, shoulda. But here are the things that I truly feel that I have missed out on in my life:

     Joining a Motorcycle Club: I know you all are rolling your eyes right now. But obviously after watching Sons of Anarchy, I feel like What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! I should have done that. I mean really, what part of me screams domesticated? Being out on the road and being free, sounds right up my alley. Who wouldn't want to straddle Jax, Opie and my favorite JUICE! So sexy. Anyway, sorry I had a moment. And Gemma, shit, what a powerhouse. I would love to walk around and know that no one is going to fuck with me. I would also like to have the cops in my pocket. Speeding tickets and licence suspensions are just a hassle that I think should go away just because my husband will fucking kill you. I have a feeling that they get a discount on leather jackets, and I need one! None of them care if they have a collage degree because they have AK's. If someone said to Jax, "um I'm sorry you can't work here because you don't have a degree", They would have 2 in their forehead in about 30 seconds then he would come home and do me... I mean Tara.

     Learned How to do Makeup: This is where I have a problem. Apparently the only thing I can do is foundation and eyeliner. If I get my little fingers on a bottle of bronzer, watch out universe I will make you all look like a fucking carrot. I feel like I cannot get tan enough. So, since in the past I have relapsed and gone back to the bed, I felt that the bronzer was the best option. Not in my case. It's kind of like a meth head going to coffee, cigarettes and hydro-drugged-weed, that is not a responsible crutch. So I have stepped away from the bed permanently and resorted to the tinted lotion, it only browns so much, however there is a way to apply it that will accentuate the boobs. Now on to the face. I personally feel that colored eyeshadow makes me look like a tranny. Actually I think that most makeup makes me look like a tranny, its annoying. My cousin Cherrie has the best looking make up always and it's like, trick what is your secret? The question that I can't get past is, "if I got all this makeup on, why do I have to put jeans on? Why can't I wear yoga pants?" Also, why doesn't your regular face look like your mirror face. When you do your makeup in a small mirror and you think that you are looking fly, back up look at the whole picture and say, "Where the fuck did my make up go?" Ugh it is pointless.

     Be Famous: This is something I think I would be good at. I can't act, I can't sing and I don't dance. So I can either be similar to Kim K (Minus the black male with the crooked dick), Paris Hilton (add 10 lbs and take away the extensions) or Coco, don't add or take away anything. Unfortunately I don't have a famous parent to give me a boost and I don't think I would ever spread my legs or repeatedly tear my Bhole for a living. No way. I would also like people to do my hair and makeup for me and also bring my mail to the post office and go grocery shopping. So I think that I would actually not like to be famous as much as I would like a personal assistant. Why does someone who likes to take it up the ass get famous? I mean really when actual real people do that they're not in a diner doing 5 at a time saying "would you like to stick your sausage into my pancake" Gross. If I ever said something like that to Chris, he would laugh hysterically, walk outside and never touch me again. Like why are you thinking of diner food and calling my dick a sausage when I'm coming at you.

This is the best I had in me today. But now I am watching hoarders and then intervention... I'll have much more tomorrow.
I love you all --R <3

Ain't No Nugget Small Enough

2011-09-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

This is my way of forgetting what is going on in my life now. Chris is in Kuwait for a year and even though I'm moving home to be with my friends and my family, I can't help but feel like I still want my best friend with me when I go to bed at night. He does love it over there witch is a good thing so I can't really complain!

Over the next week or so I will be blogging about things that amuse me, I can't do it all at once since I have been packing like a mother fucker and I will be unpacking when I get home.

Midgets: I love these stubby little fuckers. They are like real people torsoes with T-rex arms and Rosanne Barr legs. My favorite combo. These little nuggets are like a gift from the Easter Jesus! They are so feisty yet delicate. I was watching a show earlier called "Hulk Hogan's Mini Wrestling,"or something, all I know is that Christmas came early. Those little people know how to tangle. I wish I knew how to throw down like that. (Tru TV Fridays at 10). I wish I had one as a pet, I really do because they eat what I eat, they shit in a toilet and they can dress themselves, unlike my 1.8 yr old daughter. They are like the perfect companion. I mean I can always look down on them and I will always be the one driving, which is a big deal for me! I rather have a nugget that has some kind of talent that I can exploit at like a party or TV audition though. Like OK " Stand there and snort that spaghetti up your nose and fart it out." That would definitely take like 30 minutes more for a full grown human learn how to do. More bang for your buck in those little fuckers. I would guess that their life span is shorter than an average human, but they are just so much more fun. I have this overwhelming urge to go to the park with one, and push them on a swing, play Frisbee and gallop gleefully through a field hand in hand. The TLC channel has dominated this species. They have little people big world and the little couple. These shows would not be on TV if a regular family had 1 midget son, and the couple were regular adults trying for a baby. There is some sick kind of need for us bigs to see how these people live. There is a magnetic draw to these limber limbed humans. My husband Chris and my father-in-law Randy just crack the fuck up when I talk about a "nugget" that I have seen. I personally think that they are in awe of my commitment to these little snuggle muffins. Chris and I were recently in Cleveland and he took this picture while he was smoking outside the bar we were in, and quickly sent it to me....

This was the best present I could have gotten. And this is why I love him so much. I wasn't outside to see this and it was so romantic how he thought of me! I would like to know where they get their clothes, shoes and cars, I mean someone needs to let me in on this secret. Not because I want to go get some for myself being only 5'1", but I want to go to the lair and befriend one. Who's to say that my soul-midget isn't waiting for me somewhere. Who are they? What would they be like? Where will I find them? Will they let me do their hair? Can I put a saddle on Daisy and have them ride her? There are sooooo many questions I have. I hope one day me and my tater will unite.... Until then I'll keep dreaming...

Thanks again for reading I know I am a fucked up human but it works for me....

Follow me in twitter @bobzc and on facebook Robyn Sludock

Love always see you in a couple days! -----R