If it’s not enough of a puzzle that Chris Brown still has an album due out this year; he has an album, with a duet with Rihanna, due out this year. I don’t know what the Grammy night fight was about, but it definitely wasn’t the size of his balls. They hang like the gardens of Babylon.

Is it the music, in part, to blame for all of this is she going to leave him intrigue? Obviously, it has a soothing, dare I say romantic, affect. It binds people together, draws them closer to one another and away from the outside world. Like that movie Once. Remember that one scene in Once when the girl plays the guy a song she wrote on a piano, and then the guy drags her to the floor, hair first, and accuses her of flirting with other men, with her perfume? Yeah, me neither.

The Left Hand Brewing Company is not an official sponsor. Unless they wanted to be, because that’s cool too. Its got a really good taste. What are those, hops? Mmmm. Barley? I like the way that… tastes. Free beer now?

(assist from thenotoriousmeg)

“Pamela, I want you to keep your left nipple, and its animal facts, under control tonight. This evening is very important.”

“Did you say something Pamela?”

“Pamela please, put a muzzle on that thing.”

“For the love of- shut your nipple up, or I will shut up your nipple for you.”

“Pamelaaa!” (shakes fist)

# 4

# 3

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# 1

1982 viral marketing campaign.

Annie and Ethan will ride together, and blow out the sun. Heat will dissipate the Earth. The five oceans will spill forth, turning American Eagle outlets into aquariums. Then just before life whispers away, they will consumate their love to a mixtape featuring music by The Ting Tings. Meet TV’s most annoying ting tings.

Just click it.

And another thing: Daft Punk scores Tron 2.

We lived through the boom times together. We’ve all seen Patrick Ewing standing next to “Cadillac” Anderson in the VIP of a bottomless strip club; that era is over. Wave goodbye to the salad days when your car cost more than your house, until you bought a new house that cost more than two of your cars. No soup for you, and no more platinum coated wheelbarrows to put your money in and take to the bank. The local gold plated Figaro chain outlet store is shuttering its doors. This is a new era. Don’t believe me? The last rap song I heard on the radio was about how to refinance a fixed mortgage.

I think we jumped the shark last October, around the time Birdman gave Lil Wayne a Louis Vuitton briefcase with a million dollars in it, for his birthday. I don’t know if it happened before or after the first TARP bailout, but does it matter? We saw that, and we knew- we knew it was over. This, sir, cannot last. It was the 21st century equivalent of going to a jazz club to watch flappers perform fellatio on Negro jazz players during a complicated bi-plane maneuver.

So welcome to the new economy rap videos, rap stars, rap producers, girls who ignored me at nightclubs in college, NBA All-Star after parties, Buffie the Body, Farnsworth Bentley, U-God from the Wu-Tang Clan, and that bank who approved my loan to open up a chalice shop on Park Avenue. When it rains, it pours.

There was a bit of concern creeping in about this second season of FOC. The episodes were funny but in a non-funny sort of way. Then along comes the “Prime Minister” episode this week, and with it everything we like about the show gets turned to 11.

You had the Prime Minister of New Zealand, a schlub with first name only business cards, who can’t stop talking about the end of the movie Cars; you had special guest star Patton Oswalt; you had special surprise guest star Art Garfunkel; you had Jemaine’s Art Garfunkel wig; you had a Paul Simon African choir gag; you had jokes about New Zealand still waiting to get The Matrix; you had Mel; you had the Korean karaoke song; and then an Obama impersonator.

Grade: A+ CLAP

Another sign of how terrible American’s are with their money is that, in the middle of the worst economic downturn since The Great Depression, people are still paying $9 dollars to see Madea Goes to Jail.

The pseudo-sociological explanation is that in depressed times people are more compelled to escape reality by hiding in a dark space for a few hours. As my economist/zoologist friend puts it, we start behaving like Marshall ferrets. Then I have to ask, “What do you mean, Marshall ferrets?” “You know,” he says. “Marshall ferrets. The ones that can’t take in sunlight because it causes adrenal disease.” Then he goes back down to the basement to look at porn through a microscope.

Ghostface is such a talented performer, but do we really need to hear about how sweaty his balls are at the top of the set? The answer is, of course, yes. It’s in his contract.

What’s the over-under on how many times Orson Welles pissed himself in public? 50?

You did it!

Ian Curtis. oil on canvas 24 x 24″

That total eclipse of the “O” is a bit redundant.

Old and foreboding house in the middle of nowhere, denoting a mood of suspense by harkening back to the shot of the Bates house in Psycho ALERT!

Nic cage is in it. He plays a smart guy. You can tell by all the planets, and that math stuff behind him.

Did we mention he knows sign language?

And has a deaf kid?

Kid, put the paper down. Those numbers don’t mean anything. What’s that? Key plot point? If you say so, but that doesn’t sound very good.

That doesn’t sound very good.

True story: He hugs her and then he says “Don’t let him watch the news.” True story.

Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.

Fake news people just mean that Gary Tuchman didn’t want to be in your movie.

To recap: Nicholas Cage stars in I’m Nicholas Cage and I Have to Figure Out These Numbers, but Quick

Washington D.C. from SlapClap on Vimeo.

You own a mac. That’s pretty good, right?

The bad:

You don’t own Final Cut Pro, not even a cracked version.

The bottom line:

Solid a/v editing platform for creating choppy videos of you and your mom during an all day bus tour of the nation’s capitol.

You might wonder why comedy snobs all over the country are shedding so many tears about Conan’s move to Leno’s spot, and to Los Angeles, after this week. It’s not like we’re not all happy for him. Anyone who went to college in the 90’s loves Conan, because Conan was what Letterman was to college kids in the 80’s: what is this absurd universe, and how did it make it onto network TV?

Of course, Conan’s not going anywhere. He’ll probably be on television for another 16 years. We just will miss it the way it was: in our dorm rooms, half-empty pizza box, too many beers, and all of a sudden there’s a masturbating bear on the 16-inch television; or a robot on a toilet; or a robot pimp, and the truth is Conan kept going long after our college years were over. To us, those years evaporated, like the syllabus to an English class on Milton, but we were never up that late, that frequently, again. The curse of post-college. Every once in awhile though you stayed up and caught the show, had too many drinks, and remembered where the TV was in your first dorm room.

Late Night with Conan O’Brien, welcome to The Clap Academy Hall of Fame.

Taschen books Movie Icon Series is a series of photo books that feature the most famous personalities in the history of cinema. These 192-page books are visual biographies of the stars. For each title, series editor Paul Duncan has painstaking selected approximately 150 high quality enigmatic and sumptuous portraits, colorful posters and lobby cards, rare film stills, and previously unpublished candid photos showing the stars as they really are. These images are accompanied by concise introductory essays by leading film writers; each book also includes a chronology, a filmography, and a bibliography, and is peppered with apposite quotes from the movies and from life.

The Passion of the Jew Ship (2010): Here we go again. Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is called upon to pay a debt to angry Australian colonial Mel Gibson (Mel Gibson), who captains a ghost ship haunted by Traditionalist Catholics hell-bent on replacing the Pope with a giant mechanical tarantula.

Under Gibson’s command, Jack must chart a course to Palestine and assassinate French person President Napoleon before he can proclaim an independent Jewish state. If that’s not complicated enough, Will (Orlando Bloom) is struck with a homosexual laser from the ray gun of a time-traveling steampunk gay rights extremist (Hayden Panettiere); and Mel Gibson- he no likey.

Carla Gugino’s ample bodice in Details.

(via copyranter)

Maybe it’s because I just watched the first three episodes of Mad Men, but we have got to start treating our women better men. I’m not saying pull out the chair for ‘em or nuthin’, but we can at least let them keep on their shirts when we acknowledge they have musical talent: our all-female SlapClap Battle of the Bands competition, for example (bands required to be bottomless for all shows).