Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another false alarm and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”"

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.” “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people: “I’m Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I’ll catch you!”

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also. Then a negro jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn’t even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells, “Don’t be throwin’ the fookin’ burnt ones!”

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

The guy pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely … are my test results back?”

Back on earth at that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead.

Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone to make a pitch for him to God.

Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him.

And that’s how the fight started.

My wife walked into the den and asked “What’s on the TV?” I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And that’s how the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s how the fight started.

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s how the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s how the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s how the fight started.