Back on earth at that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead.

Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone to make a pitch for him to God.

Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him.

And that’s how the fight started.

My wife walked into the den and asked “What’s on the TV?” I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And that’s how the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s how the fight started.

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s how the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s how the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s how the fight started.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “OK, Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon.

“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways is going to Bangkok.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

The zoophile sighs and says, “You know, if there was a cat here I’d fuck it until I pass out.”

The sadist nods, and sighs, “And once you were done with it, I’d torture it until it died.”

The necrophiliac leans in and agrees, “Oh yeah, and once it was dead I’d fuck it til I passed out too.”

The gay guy sitting in the corner, very softly says “meow.”

The entire bus goes silent and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man next to her.

“Ummm, do you have a transfer ticket?” she finally asks.

“No, I don’t,” he replies. “But when we pass the next tree, I’ll try to grab you a handful of leaves.”

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”

The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandpa! Go home! You’re drunk!”