Slay, Monstrobot of the Deep!!

The Stealth Sequel To Man Of Steel!!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Thu, 20 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that this fall, we will get a sequel to Man Of Steel, directed by Martin Scorcese and starring Leonardo DiCaprio:

What in the sam hill does that have to do with Man Of Steel?

Well, just check out this 1975 cover:

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Case closed.

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Charles Keatings Favorite Comic Book Ever

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

I love the Quarter Bin to death, because sometimes you find gems like this:

Gee wilikers, where the hell did this come from?!?

Wow, a comic book from the Savings And Loan Foundation telling you that saving can be fun!! I wonder where they're going to tell you to put your money?

Let us begin with Johnny and Judy, who have a goal:

All goes well...until that trip to the den of iniquity known as the amusement park:

Yeah, how much can two hot dogs cost?

But it never stops with hot dogs...

And so begins an orgy of spending that sets a new standard for capitalism:

Sadly, the inevitable result is...

After much chiding from their parents, and being forced to watch a TV show about The Ant And The Grasshopper, Dad takes Johnny and Judy to the absolute safest place in the universe to keep their money:

How safe? Let's ask Mr. Strong!

HAHAHAHAHAHAhahhahahahahahaaha!!

Oh, poor Johnny and Judy, you young and naive waifs, don't believe it for a moment...

Oh, you poor fools...

A vault won't protect your money from internal pilfering kids...

If you're too young (or too forgetful) to know what I'm rambling about, in the 1980s, thanks to high interest rates, deregulation, a real estate bubble, stupidity, orgies of frivolous spending, and outright criminality, the S&L industry virtually collapsed, with nearly a quarter of the institutions going bankrupt after being exposed as essentially Ponzi schemes, and tens of thousands of people losing their life savings. The scandal cost U.S. taxpayers nearly $350 billion, brought down the Speaker Of The House, and made boring financial headlines that were ignored for years.

So please forgive if I picture Johnny and Judy heading back there in 20 years only to find Mr. Strong in jail and all their money vanished to the winds...

I'm now committed to scouring the Quarter Bin for other classic comics, such as "Internet Stocks Can Never Go Down," "Enron: The Future Of Business," "Bernie Madoff Makes $aving Fun," and "Mortgage-Backed Securities--There Is No Downside Whatsoever!"

Bold Fashion Choices--The Image Avengers!!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

As much as folks might like to mock the "leather coats and pouches" era of the Avengers, that was nowhere near the nadir. In 1993, after the Image puppies abandoned Marvel, apparently the orders came down that Marvel artists had damn well better ape them as much as possible.

So, from Avengers #363 (1993):

That's Captain America, Crystal, the Black Knight, Hercules and the Black Widow. Click to embiggen to full pain-inducing size, won't you?

That's Steve Epting and Tom Palmer, by the way, proving that no one was immune forn the ravages of the 90s.

And yes, that issue had a foil-embossed cover. One of four Avengers issues that year to have one.

Someday you will pay, 1990s. Some day you will pay.

Manic Monday--Why Popeye Wasn't Allowed To Play In The U.S. Open!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:30:00 +0000

A great injustice has arisen in the land.

All weekend, I heard one plaintive cry ringing throughout the land: Why wasn't Popeye allowed to play in the U.S. Open Golf Championship?

A fair question, friends.

The answer begins here, when Popeye finds Wimpy on his way to play some golf:

Well, you really shouldn't challenge Popeye's manhood like that!

Wagers result. And Popeye is so cocksure, he thinks he can beat Wimpy with only one club!

Well, on the first tee:

Well, Popeye tees up again, but...

That's true--the rules says you have to forfeit if you don't have any clubs.

But our man Popeye--he has an alternative!

Wimpy agrees, but perhaps he shouldn't have...

And that's why the fraidy cats of the PGA won't let Popeye play professional golf!

From Popeye #11 (1950), as reprinted in this week's Classic Popeye #11.

Manic Monday--The Tennesse Williams Age of Ultron!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Most people have forgotten this version of Ultron:

The angry, Southern, drunk old man robot languishing in a New Orleans bar, listening to jazz:

Bonus points: this version of Ultron actually appears in this mini-series, as opposed to the non-entity who hasn't ever appeared (aside from flashback) in a single panel of Age Of Days Of Future Ultrons Past.

This condition was caused by a computer virus unleashed by an alternate world's Vision (don't ask). By the end of the series, Ultron was still like this, his old personality and memories "irreversibly gone." [SPOILER ALERT--It wasn't so irreversible, after all]

So let's start a petition now for a return of the Tennessee Williams version of Ultron!!

From The Vision #1 (1994)

Spoiler Sunday--Superman Unchained #1

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Well, I'm not sure what we have here.

Either we have a) a case of lazy writing and poor editing, or b) snell being ridiculously hyper-picky about a damned comic book. You decide. [SPOILER ALERT--this is me making a mountain out of a VERY tiny molehill]

In this week's Superman Unchained #1, a space station is falling from the sky. A sequence which is so important that Jim Lee decided to present it as a four-page poster. So we know we should pay really close attention, right?

Allow Superman to describe it to us:

So. Secretly developed. Not known to the public. Got it? The big selling point of this #1 issue, this massive furshlugginer poster, want's us to know these things. Important info, right?

Yet, within minutes of Superman saving the crew members, and keeping the debris from killing anyone, Jimmy Olsen calls:

So wait...this was a top secret international space station, unrevealed to the public...and Jimmy Olsen knew about it? Even already knew its name, and didn't have to explain to Clark what he was referring to?

And the next day...

[Jim Lee...master of portraying Clark Kent taking phone calls...]

So anyway, astronauts--military personnel--are giving out interviews to bloggers about secret military projects?

Lois accuses Clark of "burying the lede" by not putting Superman in his headline about the incident. Which is strange, because you might think that the lede was "US, Russia & Japan had secret space station in orbit, hidden for 'political' reasons." Because the press never goes bananas over suddenly revealed secret government projects. You'd think there would be people curious or upset at that level of secrecy, or spending tax dollars on something like that, and calls for congressional hearings, or UN investigations, the works. And the black helicopter crowd would be howling about this as the revealed first step towards a secret plan towards one world government. But no, none of that's even mentioned. The top secret, massive project itself is greeted with a yawn.

Now, I'll grant you, this can be all be easily No-Prized away. Once it was known the station was falling, the governments in question could have revealed its existence immediately in order to get ahead of the story (although that doesn't explain why there was not a scintilla of interest by the press about the whole project the next day). Or maybe while the public didn't know about Lighthouse, the Daily ~~Bugle~~ oops Planet did, somehow, but agreed not to reveal it, because that's how hard-hitting newspapers win Pulitzers. And since the whole punchline of the story is "ooh, look, evil government machinations," how can we take that seriously when our hero and the press and the public and the story itself don't seem to give a tinker's damn about the other just-revealed secret government machinations?

It's just a tiny point in a silly comic book plot, fairly easily explained away. This is just snell over-reacting...again. Who cares?

But for me, at least, that tiny, trivial point completely took me out of the story. When I was reading and got to Jimmy's phone call, I immediately had to stop and go back and re-read (and unfold that verdammt poster again!) to make sure I had read properly, because it sure as hell seemed as if the script were contradicting what it told us just a few pages later.

Am I taking it too seriously? Yeah...but DC themselves hyped the hell out of this project, putting their big guns on it (including a co-publisher!), timing it to come out the same week as the new movie, sending out Crom knows how many press releases, interviews, etc, telling us this project was to taken seriously. DC's the one who said "Look at this big-ass gimmick poster--aren't we great?" So on a project of this importance to them, where are those famously micro-managing DC editors??

I guess that's why there's a "Director's Cut" of this issue coming out next month...so all this stuff will be explained, and make sense, right? Right?!?

Best Cover You've Never Seen--House Of Mystery #288 (1981)!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 12:30:00 +0000

Mike Kulata shows us what future Jethro Tull concerts will be like:

Best Cover You've Never Seen--House Of Mystery #247 (1976)

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Surf's up!

Cover by Jack Sparling and Vince Colletta

Friday Night Cosplay!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 12:30:00 +0000

There are no Friday Night Fights this week...so your eyes get the pain instead. Sorry, there is no way you'll ever unsee this.

There's a jerk going around town, giving candy to kids, and then taking it away, so he can see them cry.

So Popeye has decided to go undercover to entrap the fiend:

Oh, some doubt the plan...

But the disguise is surprisingly effective:

From Popeye #11 (1950), as reprinted in this week's Classic Popeye #11. You should be reading this...

Friday Night Profanity

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

As we endure the continuing national tragedy that is the "Channel 52" feature that runs in the back of DC books each week, let us note two things:

A) They're going to bleep a backwards profanity? Well, nmad!

B) For the joke to actually work, shouldn't it have been [PEELB] instead of [BLEEP]?? I mean, c'mon, guys, if you're seriously going to do "comedy" bits about Zatanna, don't blow the most basic jokes...

Seriously, DC would be better off running two bank pages each week...

Forever Evil--The Only Preview You'll Ever Need!!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 11:51:00 +0000

I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that when Forever Evil rolls around, it's going to look something like this story.

The Joker has just busted Lex Luthor out of prison, and they go to look at one of Luthor's wonderful toys:

Now I know, you're probably asking yourself:

A) If Brainiac invented it, why did he never use it?

B) If Luthor had this just lying around the basement, why was he captured? Why did he never use it earlier?

C) Oh, so this is the answer to the famous Zen koan, "What do you get if you cross Dial H For Hero and Kid Eternity, but make it evil?" That one has baffled me for years. But not anymore!!

So, Benedict Arnold? I'll grant you the villain part, perhaps--but seriously, this guy is goin to help you defeat Batman and Superman?!?

Also, Luthor apparently built this thing (from Brainiac's plans) yet has no idea how to power it...

Next?

Wow. I'm not sure exactly how you specify with that dial--X-16, Y-5, X-15?--but that's a pretty big boner, Joker...

One left!

OK, then. Luthor and Joker dialed up a military traitor, a boaster, and an inventor. Seriously, this crew is going to help you defeat super-heroes?

Yes, it actually works. Between Benedict Arnold's military planning, and Da Vinci's inventions goosed up with modern technology (and the occasional lie by Munchhuasen in disguise--don't ask), the Joker and Luthor go on a crime spree that Superman and the Dark Knight can't stop. They even manage to steal the Mona Lisa!!

Yes, all is going perfectly...until Benedict Arnold exploits some tension and manipulates Luthor and Joker into fighting a duel to the death...really!

Well, the plan is foiled (Luthor and Joker both cheat, fake their own deaths to trick Arnold, but Supes and Bats are posing as their seconds, and...), and Da Vinci and Munchhhausen realize they're working for bad guys, so...

The moral? When you can dial E for evil, maybe you should dial up actual evil people...and a super-powered evil guy might help, too...

Ha ha....

Yes, this was a very odd, very silly story. But I'll wager that it makes more sense than Forever Evil will...

From World's Finest #177 (1968)

The Superior Mary Jane Watson

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

If you've ever wondered about the secret Golden Age origin of Mary Jane Watson, well, you've hit the jackpot, Tiger!

Hmmm...that must be a misprint--it says Betty-Jane Waston, not Mary Jane. Still she is a tigress, so it must be her!!

By the way, do you know what the worst type of criminal is?

Yup--the "prison-breaker"!

Anyhow, now let's look at Mary Jane Watson:

Blonde?!? Hmm, maybe I am wrong here. Maybe it's Mary Jane's mother? (Please don't comment--I know already)

Let's look at her history:

Yup, she's a tigress, all right. And how did she end up in prison?

That'll do it.

Well, true to the title of the story (and the comic book itself), ~~Mary Jane~~ Betty-Jane Watson breaks out of jail!

And the first thing she does when she gets out?

Sheesh, she's just a little too bloodthirsty, you know?

[SPOILER ALERT--she gets recaptured]

So forget about getting back together with ~~Peter~~ Otto--it looks like ~~Mary Jane~~ Betty-Jane is going to spend One (Very Long) Moment In Time--IN JAIL!!

From Prison Break! #4 (1952)

The Best Team-Up Comic EVER

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 11:58:00 +0000

If you're anything like me, I'll bet you've wondered this:

What if Ozzy Osbourne, Elton John, Neil Gaiman and Ian McKellen had to team up to save England from a faerie invasion?

Fortunately, we're not the only ones who wondered that:

In Action Lab's free--yes, free on Comixology--Order Of Dagonet #1, the fae folk return and taking over England:

Writer Jeremy Whitley (who also writes Princeless, so you know you're in good hands) concots a fake Wikipedia page to explain his (made up) special order of knighthood for those in the entertainment industry:

Amongst our noble "knights" are incomprehensible heavy metal rocker Dizzy Claiborne...

...and wizened actor William Tottington...

...who, amongst others luminaries (and celebrity analogues) are summoned by Merlin in a dream:

Oh, dear.

Look, the book made me laugh out loud several times. The art by Jason Strutz is pretty. There are some great supporting characters. It's a fun concept.

And the first issue, which is 48 pages, is FREE. You have nothing to lose by heading over to Comixology and downloading it (except, of course, you might get hooked, and the rest of the issues aren't free).

So do yourself a favor and read it, OK?

Answer Manic Monday #2--Get A Job, Ralph!!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 12:30:00 +0000

One of the mysteries of the pre-nu52 DC Universe:

This is a surprisingly good question.

Sue was independently wealthy...She was a wealthy socialite and heiress.

But Ralph? He was just some middle class kid who grew up in Nebraska and became fascinated with carny contortionists. So how was he independently wealthy?

The common Silver and Bronze Age answer was that he made a "fortune" with television appearances. Possible, I suppose--but who really got rich just off of appearing on Ed Sullivan? That was just a platform to improve your visibility so you could make the real bucks touring, and making records, etc. No one else retired and funded a luxurious life of mystery solving from a few Johnny Carson gigs.

Of course, Ralph could have made a mint endorsing Gingold...until the inevitable lawsuits because most people were allergic to Gingold (this is a true DC fact).

Also, Ralph was chemist enough (or lucky idiot enough) to develop a "super-concentrated extract" of the gingo fruit. But he apparently didn't sell it to anyone, nor is there much evidence that he performed much else in the way of advanced chemistry during his career.

Maybe he just lived off his wife's money, and the JLA stipend, and hosting the occasional reality show (because face it, Ralph was born to host some crappy "find the ghost" type crappy "mystery" show on SyFy).

So, if/when DC gets off their butt and decides to reintroduce Ralph Dibny to the nu52, job one is to find him a...well, job.

From the Answer Man column in Adventure Comics #455 (1978)

Answer Manic Monday #1--All Too Easy

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

I have nothing but respect for the work that Bob Rozakis did as DC's Answer Man.

In the days before the internet--hell, before computers, really--it couldn't have been easy to come up with all the answers to oddball questions that fans threw at you.

Sometimes, though...

...sometimes, it was pretty easy.

From the Answer Man column in Adventure Comics #474 (1980)

The Science-Fiction Super-Model?

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Comic books were a little different in 1950...

...as creators thought it was sufficiently entertaining...

...to have panel after panel...

...of Katy Keene exercising...

...so her body can be...

..."just right for the movies!"

And then we enter the science-fiction part of our tale, where we learn that we're apparently in an alternate universe:

Yeah, right.

Anyways, that leads away from exercise, and to:

"Katy Keene--The Fattening"!!!

From Suzie Comics #73 (1950)

Et Tu, Goofy?

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 11:56:00 +0000

You may remember how upset I was recently at an issue of Tarzan that featured him fighting a shark on the cover, and there wasn't even a single shark anywhere in the issue.

My mood was not brightened by a later issue of Tarzan which featured him fighting sharks on the cover. And while this issue did have sharks in it, Tarzan did not fight them...he merely escaped from them.

So, that's it. I will no longer be taken in by comic books that promise heroes fighting sharks in their covers. Nope, I've learned my lesson. Won't happen again...

Wait. What's this?!? Oh, all right, I'll try again. It's only a quarter...and a Disney comic wouldn't lie to me..would it?

Of course, THERE IS NOT A SINGLE SHARK IN THE ENTIRE ISSUE.

Super Goof #51 (1979), you are dead to me!!

No, of course you're not. How could I stay mad at you, Super Goof? Especially when you feature a story with dozens of Bizarro Super Goofs?

"Swarm of sinister Super Goofs". OK, all is forgiven for the shark business...this time.

Friday Night Fights--I Say Thee Nayyy Style!!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 16:01:00 +0000

A promise is a promise.

Last week, I said that if I won Friday Night Fights, I would show you part two of the titanic fight where the Destroyer killed Thor.

Well, thanks to your votes I won. So here we go!!

When last we left this story Thor was dead. D-E-A-D. Dead.

See?

Well, good news...it turns out that he was only mostly dead!

There's some discussion of whether that's due to one of the Scarlet Witch's hexes, or a super-secret super-duper plan of Odin's. But whatever the cause, being only mostly dead allows Thor to head back to the land of the living.

In the meantime, however, the Avengers had their butts kicked pretty thoroughly by the Destroyer, by George:

So there's that.

Spacebooger would like to know why Thor didn't just do that in the first place...

Thor's amazing resurrection is from Thor #2 (1998), by Dan Jurgens, John Romita Jr., and Klaus Janson.

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Keep the streak going, bro...keep the streak going. So go and vote!!!

An Architect Builds A Scary House

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 12:30:00 +0000

The recently concluded Daredevil: End Of Days mini-series is set at an indeterminate time in the future, after Daredevil has been killed by Bullseye.

During the course of the series, reporter Ben Urich dies, and amongst the condolences received by his family:

Wha hwa what?!?!?!

Now, this series was written by Bendis, and of course Peter and Kitty Pryde were an item in the Bendis-written Ultimate Spider-Man. But this series clearly doesn't take place in the Ultimate Universe. So is Bendis predicting--or foreshadowing?--that the two will become an item in Marvel-616?? He is An Architect, so maybe we should take that pretty seriously. Of course, it's possible it's some other Kitty...

[This would also suggest, of course, that the events of Superior Spider-Man are not permanent. Well, duh.]

Later in the issue, we overhear a newscast, covering the controversy over The Hand establishing itself as a tax-exempt church (A church of ninjas? Oh my!):

"Vice-President Osborne"?!?!?!?!

Again, we know that in the past, Bendis has had a fetish for making Osborn uber-powerful, going so far as to use the same damn storyline twice during his Avengers tenure.

So is Osborn going to rise a 3rd time, this time only a heartbeat away from the presidency?!? Is that possible? You'd dismiss this as a writer riding his favorite hobby horse in a hypothetical future...but this is An Architect, so his hypothetical hobby horses can easily become real nags.

So watch the future, folks...

A Warning For Marvel Studios

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

If this scene doesn't happen in the Guardians Of The Galaxy movie...

...I'm going to be be pretty pissed off....

From Marvel Super-Heroes #18 (1969), as reprinted in Astonishing Tales #29 (1975)

Bold Fashion Choices--Imaginary Robin Needs More Outfits!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

Imagination can do wonders for your wardrobe.

But if you're the Boy Wonder, boy, do you need more imagination!!

It's imaginary story time again, and, well, Batman is killed right away by a super-scientist named the Automator (where's his September comic, DC??):

Well, Robin's response is to fake an auto accident where both he and Bruce Wayne died, so Dick could safely re-establish himself as Robin...at "Keyer University," of all places!

Dick Grayson, you are well and truly rocking that look!!

However...

Note that the caption says "the following day..." Yet ~~Dick~~ Rick is wearing the exact same outfit!!

And after a few weeks...

Good lord, you're rich, Rick...get some new clothes.

And even after "years":

He's wearing the same damn outfit under his lab coat!!! Dude--CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES!

Ah, but what about his Robin outfit?

So, you basically just added arms and legs to the outfit? Meh...I've seen worse.

And our imaginary story? Well, Superman and Robin are pursuing Golden Gloves, a science-based villain that ~~Dick~~ Rick is convinced is really the Automater. But when Kal-El gets a power blast right in the face...

Yup, he's blind forever!! (The rays contained kryptonite radiation, you see, and...)

He and Robin manage to capture Golden Gloves, but...

What?!

Old Man Automator explains that he really just teleported Batman away. Why? Prepare to facepalm:

So...you had to spend a decade perfecting the gloves...and it took the same amount of time to brainwash Batman...and you gave HIM a vitality serum to keep him young, while you got old. Hmmm...I can think of a few ways to spend that decade more productively, But I guess that's why I'm not a super-villain.

So here's what we're left with on Earth-WTF:

So...Batman amnesiac, and Superman blind? Top that in Multiversity, Grant Morrison!!

From World's Finest #184 (1969)

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Mickey And The Uncanny Valley

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

The Quarter Bin is often terribly educational, enlightening us to forgotten bits of comic book history. For example:

The top brass at the secret headquarters of PI (Police International) or a bit depressed, because they're not keeping up with the vast amount of crime out there:

What?!?

It turns out, he wasn't kidding:

Yes, welcome to the oddest period in Mickey Mouse's long history:

New art and new adventures, indeed!

For a brief time in 1966, Mickey and Goofy became secret agents, working for an U.N.C.L.E.-like organization, fighting crime and taking down spies.

First, they get blind-folded and taken to the top secret HQ...

...and they're given a job as crack agents!!

And they're given combat training, and gadgets, and the whole James Bond shtick!

Now, as you look at this artwork, your brain is probably screaming at you how wrong this all is...

All of the art is by Dan Spiegle--the figures, the backgrounds, everything--except Mickey and Goofy, who are drawn by Paul Murry.

I can't tell which came first--Spiegle drew the panel, leaving room for Mickey and Goofy, who were added in later, or vice versa--but it clearly creates some occasional problems with perspective and composition:

There's also the theory of the "uncanny valley," which posits that when something that looks close to, but not quite, human--like a robot, or computer animation--people brains start to scream at them there is something wrong, creating an odd feeling of revulsion and eeriness (Polar Express, I am looking at you!!).

For me, at least, something similar seems to be going on here. The juxtaposition of the "realistic" people and the funny animals--particularly in a realistic environment--is causing my mind to do somersaults to process what's going on. Or maybe it's just me...

Also, these were not funny animal stories. These were straight spy stories--in the heightened reality of James Bond, to be sure, but with one foot firmly planted in the "real" world. No other talking animals, no cartoon world physics, no getting hit on the head with an anvil and surviving. Heck, in a kiddie comic, we even had "real" humans chasing Mickey, firing real bullets at him!

Odd, odd stuff!

This apparent attempt to cash in on the secret agent craze of the mid-60s continued for a couple of more issues...

...but after the third issue, it was back to standard Disney funny animal hijinks...

...and the attempts to put Mick and the Goofster into the "real" world with "real" art were soon forgotten.

Forgotten until the Quarter Bin coughed up this little piece of history, that is!!

Manic Hair Day #3--The True Purpose Of Superman's "Spit Curl"

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 13:00:00 +0000

For some reason we're talking about Superman's hair all day today. Why? BECAUSE.

Anyway, one of the more distinctive features of Kal-El's hairdo is the "spit curl" that covers his big dopey forehead. But did you know that spit curl has a very specific and important purpose?

We start as Lois Lane decides that she absolutely has to figure out the secret method that Clark Kent uses to contact Superman:

Well, it turns out that Soviet spies are also trying to find out this information, and Lois Lane is unknowingly helping them!! Some smart reporter you are, Lois!

Well, after a full story of antics (X-ray binoculars!! Open manhole covers! Helicopter crashes!!) and unlikely coincidences (Trucks painted with lead paint driving by at the exact right moment! Enemy agents working at Galaxy Broadcasting!), Lois finally deduces precisely how Clark manages to contact Superman when there's trouble afoot:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Lois, you completely pulled that out of your ass. I mean, really. I hope you did actual investigation and reporting when you won your Pulitzer, and didn't just make crap up like this.

But there is a "real purpose" to the spit curl:

Oh, Clark...we all know the real reason that people don't recognize you as Superman, and the hair curl has nothing to do with it!

From Action Comics #446 (1975)

Manic Hair Day #2--How Superman Shaves??

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:30:00 +0000

For some odd reason, there has been plenty of blather over the interwebs lately about how Superman shaves. Amazing what trivia will obsess people.

Especially when a far more important question is: What happens when Superman stops shaving?

This is an "imaginary story" (aren't they all...?), but I think it adequately establishes one important fact: at some point, Superman will just say "Frak it!' and stop shaving all together.

Why?

Yup, Superman becomes a feisty old grandpa, no longer worried about his appearance or personal hygiene (or, perhaps he's trying out for ZZ Top!).

So, instead of worrying about how Superman shaves, let's just be glad that he does. It could be far worse if he didn't:

Bonus panel: In case you're confused about the family tree in this story:

No mention of the wives' names, though...and it would kill you to name one of the scions Jonathan?

From Action Comics #327 (1965)

Manic Hair Day #1--The Origin Of The Dread Super-Mullet!!

noreply@blogger.com (snell) — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:00:00 +0000

For some reason, there's been a lot of discussion online of late regarding the "mullet" Superman wore back in the 90s.

Well, most of you don't realize that his hairstyle had a secret origin...back in the 1960s!!

Young Lex Luthor has found a scientific way to duplicate young Mxyzptlk's powers, and he sets out to bedevil Superboy:

Oh, yeah!! Accidental super-mullet!!

Fortunately, Superboy is one hero you can't stop by having hair in his eyes:

And young Kal-El adapts nicely to his dilemma...and looks rather smashing doing it:

...and from their on the hair is gone as Superboy is made to undergo a few more transformations.

But obviously, the memory of this event somehow echoed through the fabric of the post-Crisis DC Universe, and subtly influenced the recovery of Superman's body during his "death." Obviously.

Oh, here's a bonus panel for you:

Superboy, transformed into a jackass, using heat vision to carve KLTPYXM into the sidewalk. [SPOILER ALERT: It didn't work]

From Superboy #131 (1966)