Sleepy Naoko

2011-05-13T10:36:00.001-07:00

sitting here, clean after a shower, clothed in a brown (earthy) towel, i know something has to change.
there is a time and place for everything, a moment in the spotlight for every posture, but inevitably something must die and sink sink sink. this is that time.
with all sincerity that can be drawn out of this butterfly, i wish you gone.
repose.
what will rise with the emptiness, though?

omg! music! album! 2011~!

2011-01-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

Days of Echo- Bohannons

Coming in under 25 minutes, this 'chill' rock record is a solid effort from Chattanooga, TN based Bohannons, who are currently on tour now (as indicated by their last.fm page). Days of Echo features seven tracks, each of which tells a fascinating story (though one can't help but doubt the veracity of some. I'm talking to you, Gramaw and Grampaw). The overall feel of the album is a mellow but not lulling sound; one imagines themselves listening to the band while in an old, beloved car with an almost stranger. Or, depending on your experience, you could just as easily transport yourself to your friend's garage, listening to a rad jam session while you do a little bit of an illegal substance or two. It's music to sway to and make memories born out of naivete that you aren't wont to forget.
Looking forward to hearing more from this group as they continue to explore their sound! The band has Days of Echo for purchase here, for $5. $5! You could spend that much on a meal at a revolting fast food restaurant and gain about two pounds, or discover a new band and namedrop them like crazy around your friends. Your choice.

Favourite tracks: Crown Vic Blues, Are You On Drugs? Tune In Tonite

Lyrics to remember: no, I can't hear your sound/ well, are you on drugs/ I'd rather see that/than see you in love/ with him/

Sounds like (to this music novice): Infinite Arms - Band Of Horses

Last.fm/Band web-site/Bandcamp/Facebook fan page

Special thanks to JS for introducing me to this band!

2010-11-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

backing up my quote file (wish i'd started making one of those much earlier in my life...):

quotes

thus, too, they came to know the incorrigible sorrow of all prisoners and exiles, which is to live in company with a memory that serves no purpose.- the plague

hitoshi had an extremely eccentric younger brother. his way of thinking, his responses to events, were "curiouser and curiouser". he lived exactly as if his awareness of things had been formed in some other dimension, after which he was plopped down on this planet to fend for himself.- moonlight shadow

i must keep living with the flowing river before my eyes. -moonlight shadow

I was building up in me a dream which the entire educational system of the South had been rigged to stifle. - black boy

Your successes and happiness are forgiven you only if you generously consent to share them. But to be happy it is essential not to be too concerned with others.- the fall

Above all, don't believe your friends when they ask you to be sincere with them. They merely hope you will encourage them in the good opinion they have of themselves by providing them with the additional assurance they will find in your promise of sincerity.- the fall

Sometimes she seemed invisible like peace. - the quiet american

Then I must be a greater than Daedalus; for whereas he only made his own inventions move, I move those of other people as well.- euthyphro

No man should bring children into the world who is unwilling to persevere to the end in their nurture and education. - crito

See now, how men lay blame upon us gods for what is after all nothing but their own folly. -the odyssey

Yet it would perhaps be thought to be better, indeed to be our duty, for the sake of maintaining the truth even to destroy what touches us closely, especially as we are philosophers or lovers of wisdom; for, while both are dear, piety requires us to honor truth above our friends.- nicomachean ethics

Hence, it is no easy task to be good.-nicomachean ethics

All postures of submission and surrender should be part of our prehistory. -christopher hitchens

a woman's biology would not be her destiny.-before roe v.wade

I am human.

2010-05-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

I can be baited.

I realized this tonight as I was browsing a forum I frequent that is dedicated to "literature". Usually full of sardonic and pointless posts, I saw a thread about one of my favourite authors, Haruki Murakami. Expecting loads of comments that would validate my already grim feelings about humanity, I was somewhat surprised to see some praise for his work. Of course, I had forgotten that hipsters like him (which is easy to do, as there are none in this county!). While weighing the reviews, I continued to read the thread and found valid criticisms overshadowed by idiotic remarks. A few people were saying that they disliked him because of his fans, which I've always thought to be rather juvenile. But instead of absorbing and forgetting like I often do, I flipped out and called everyone fat and told them to stop using dumb macros and memes.

Now I'm trying to figure out the other methods of getting me irate:

-Insult Kundera
-Insult the Czech Republic
-Call Classical music garbage
-Insult Demi Lovato, even though all of the negative things that can be said about her I agree with
-Have dumb preferences when it comes to choosing a mate, such as height, sexual experience, income, etc.
-Believe that someone's location is indicative of their character
-Not adding -ly to adverbs that need them
-Embrace a fault so much that you romanticize it and become self-aggrandizing about it (I'm so nerdy, ugh! I'm insane!)
-Call someone clever when they use sarcasm

One day, I'll be able to ignore all of these. Maybe when I'm 23?
Here's to hoping!

!!!

2010-05-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

Highlights

2010-01-31T12:11:00.000-08:00

"We have to resume these flights. Letting them die, that's not America,"

More problems could arise after a possible meeting between President Obama and the Dalai Lama, when the Tibetan spiritual leader visits the United States in February. China says the Dalai Lama is a separatist who wants to lead Tibet to independence.

Defense attorney Mark Rudy described his case as helpless and hopeless.

2010-01-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

"This really does hurt, because we absolutely do not want to kill civilians," said one U.S. military official, speaking on the condition of anonymity because the matter is under investigation. "It hurts our overall cause."

Dero After Dark

2010-01-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

I do not aim to forget.
I fear that through cycles (alternative: hot day, wind, cards going like boys used to dream about) I will let this day-to-day debris wash over what has happened. In my lifetime, her lifetime, their lifetime.

I may not feel, I may not fall under myself when I hear words of demise. That I cannot rectify.
"They are dead."
But I will not go on as I have before. Letting bright lights and metals invade me while they stay silent. Devouring what every ascetic learns to shed.

I pledge myself to you.
You will be my sunset.
Every run, every jump, will be for you.

!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

AT FIRST I WAS LIKE, "HELL YEAH!!!!" BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT I DON'T WANT ANYBODY, UNLESS THEY'RE MY SOULM8!!! BUT THEN I WAS THINKING, WHATEVS, THAT DOESN'T EXIST, JUST WANNA BE FREE, MAYBE HAVE SOME FUN, NOTHING SERIOUS, BUT THEN I THOUGHT, WOW, WHAT IF MICHAEL VARTAN IS MY SOULM8?!?!?! WTF DO I DO THEN????

Quizzes Girls Games

Highlights of my break

2010-01-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

me & my soulm8 as bb's

just trying 2 be nice, turns out ppl are bitter during the holidayze

50 books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

Books read in 2009:
*=not sure
Kafka on the Shore -gr8!!!!

After Dark-good & short

Harvest of Empire: A History of Latinos in America*- don't remember but good

Slowness- not my favourite of Kundera's.

The Wind-up Bird Chronicle- f*ck yeah, gr8!!!!!

Midnight Sun Draft-i am not ashamed.

Lolita-language was the best thing. otherwise, over-hyped.

How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents*-jaja, i don't remember :/

Never Let Me Go-h8, so much h8. waste of time & trip to the library in the winter.

Pride & Prejudice-meh. One of those books you have to read.

The Glass Menagerie-so gr8!!! I usually dislike plays, but this one touched me in ways Gael would.

Daughter of Fortune-omgggg. i'll write something more about this when i'm not so hot.

Rebecca-<3

Karma and other stories-3 starz

I Am America (And So Can You!)- entertaining

Evernight-jaja, i wrote a review of this book and the one below. i'll re-post it.

Stargazer

Shadowland

Ninth Key

Reunion

Darkest Hour

Haunted

Twilight (Mediator)

Darfur Diaries: Stories of Survival- I'll never 4get this book.

Dance Dance Dance- so-so.

First They Killed My Father- One of the best books out of the bunch.

The Virgin Suicides*

Wake

Fade

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

Brokeback Mountain

Fight Club

Reading Lolita in Tehran

On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning

Sons & Lovers

Sweep #1

Sweep #2

Sweep #3

Geisha, A Life

Sweep # 4

Sweep # 5

Sweep # 6

Sweep #7

Sweep # 8

Sweep # 9

So Yesterday

Princeton: Introduction

Shanghai Girls

Super-Frog Saves Tokyo

The Folklore of our Times

Murakami: 8
Tiernan: 9
Cabot: 6

Asian/Asian-American-13
E-books- 30

I had planned on writing a big review, but I haven't had internet access and now I'm ~*so over*~ 2009. I'll write more in this later.

!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-18T16:38:00.001-08:00

50 books a year

2009-12-05T04:18:00.000-08:00

I have nine books left to read for this year!
I'm re-reading an old favorite series (which I'm counting; I spent time on reading it!)I'm not counting text books because there have unfortunately been some pages I've skipped :D

I'm also reading a book about a Chinese-American woman's adventures in San Francisco, so far fairly interesting. She writes in third person, because apparently that's how traditional Chinese writing is done - the idea of the "I" in a work of literature (or a poem, more likely) is frowned upon. I "borrowed" the book from my mom who raved about it, but I don't see where her praise comes from.

Not sure as to what to read next. I have some books that I'm nearly finished with but lost interest in. Should I just start something new?

My choices, according to my Goodreads account
Crime and Punishment - Heh, for some reason at school this is a conversation starter :/

The Prayer Room- Also "borrowed" from my mother, during a garage sale. Interesting but I don't really remember much about it, and I don't want to re-read the first eighty pages.

On The Road- I actually enjoyed this! But while reading this, some bad things happened, so I associate it with that now. Dumb.

Blood Meridian: Or the Evening Redness in the West- Hah, I don't even remember starting this.

To The Lighthouse- Same as above. I'm really dumb.

Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . One School at a Time- This was inspirational, I suppose. I would read it during one of my class breaks, but I had to stop due to more work.

The Trial- I liked The Metamorphosis, so I thought I'd try another one of his books. I stayed up late one summer night reading it on my computer, but I've since lost my place.

Nausea- I got into this because it's supposed to be one of the more interesting books dealing with depersonalization, but my feeble mind got lost in the mess. Sux.

Prague in Black and Gold: Scenes from the Life of a European City- I went through a "omgggg I'm czech and I have 2 tell every1" phase this year, but then realized I knew nothing about Czech culture/history, other than what I'd read from Kundera. Summer apathy got the best of me, though.

Freedom in Exile: The Autobiography of the Dalai Lama- This was on sale. I almost finished the book but I got distracted. I had no idea about Dalai Lama, and for this reason the book was rather enlightening. How he was selected, how they could tell he was the next incarnation...I want to believe it!!!!

Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela- Bought this for my mom as a gift and she never opened it. Guess I'm similar.

Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World- Je me deteste. Murakami is one of my favorite writers, and though different, this book engaged me. But right about the time I was set to finish this, I enrolled in school, had to study for entrance exams, and also got a job, which made me unbelievably happy, but also lazy.

Middlemarch- I started this as a method of forgetting about the past few months in WA, but ended up forgetting about the book.

Collected Stories- Started this in WA, so probably why I haven't continued it. I love Marquez, though :( I need 2 grow up.

Anna Karenina- When I told people I was starting this, they said that I wouldn't finish. I was all, hell no, ur old. They're still old, but also right.

The Blind Assassin- The Handmaid's Tale!!!!! Recurring theme, I'm dumb!!!!!!

2009-12-02T23:07:00.000-08:00

I'm getting fit! Been a month or so since I had caffeine (had some caffeine-free soda, but don't want it anymore) and I'm happy! I used to drink so much, I can't even comprehend that I could consume so much liquid. I've lost six pounds or so, but I don't think I've gained any muscles, except for in my calves, from biking. Gonna be a fitness superstar. Perhaps I will go back to running! I adored running, used to be a running superstar, too. Well, only when I didn't collapse because of asthma/laziness. but omg I used to be totally fast, loved the feeling. I remember trying to run the last 30 seconds in the mile, I would jump and close my eyes and the teacher would be like ZOMGGGGGG DAPHNE!!!!!! but then they would fail me because the rest of the mile I'd walked like an obese person D:

This was about my average speed!!!!!!!!!! Actually, I don't even know if that is fast or not.

After I finished!!!!! I ended up doing 20/21 (don't remember!!!) miles, I'm happy!!

during my bike ride! omg pale!!! i don't really mind it though, i used to go tanning, got dark (and had RED hair at the time, heh, didn't look too good) but i prefer not to have skin cancer. one thing i am afraid of is if i lose too much weight, i'm going to look gaunt :( I tend not to carry very much in my face, so I'm worried that I will look even worse :/
but it doesn't matter, don't want 2 end up being really f@, i just want to be healthy, can't help what my face looks like, and though it may seem like it's all i care about (an image i perpetuate, no doubt) I really don't spend too much time worrying about the "outside".

2009-12-01T03:06:00.000-08:00

For fear of losing it, I'm going to save some things here. I'm not sure what purpose they will serve other than to make me cringe, but I regret not being able to find the others.

A moon swinging by tender threads,
Swallowed stars throwing their eyes up to the heavens,
Children of angels trusting in the unknown,
We all seem to be examples of once-believed in miracles washed up on the shore.
But I don't want to succumb to this fate, a life removed from beauty,
From all that I always knew I could only set my sights on.
She's twisting my words into doom's day prayers,
cleaning me by the dust of the sick earth,
licking my wounds she caused by her own tragic fate.
I can't seem to shake her -she dances beside me,
Swirling her grotesque hips round and round my fire,
Swearing that this time is the day of reckoning.
There He is, shifting through the crowd,
A masked man with no place to hide
Breathing in lies to survive.
Always smiling and never knowing,
He brings me bombs that I wish I could mimic.
Past the gazebo and the pools of longing
Catching the rays of perception,
I do see my love offering the truth, the wealth of no protection.
Here lies no earth, no wind, no rain,
only the depth of Night and Day.
I'm married to this truth now, blue from my ethereal suffocation
Wearing my spirit for us to see, to treasure with no essence of trepidation.
Vainly I was swimming through this mess of roses and cherry blossoms
Calling for someone to whisper God into my ear
-I was hoping for what I never thought I could hear-

I am, she said =while avoiding the ocean that was tumbling out of her mouth, serious. I am confident. I am like a tree that has outgrown its sky, with my branches gripping on to every passerby. I was once a child, young in my experience, but that is the past. As I stood here in the garden of my sin many years ago, I learned of the future. I saw, while the wind was passing through my time, that my children and their children and so on would suffer to no avail. This punishment that I have bestowed upon myself will carry on like a disease, and I have no regrets.

And I could count the ways I want you,
from one to thousand one
with glories of lives lived before,
hopes of consummation now undone,
with fertile lies and broken-down pages of
tomes and times sunken into the sun.
and I could slip out of my self
just to watch you kiss me again
just to feel the warmth of a hearts so cold interlocking with the truth of twilight
nearing its eternal end.
And I could smile a painful smile, rooted in the graves
of long-lost pirate ships and tales of a ancient civilization
and floods devastating mankind, with miracles swirled into the restless sand.
And I could sleep, sleep this all away, with threads of beauty and sorrow safe from humanity's
Decay.
And I could know the moves of a muse
And the trail she leaves behind
With her ethereal fingers traipsing upon the underbrush of consciousness
Calling for another venom-tinged dream.
And I could savor these fantasies paved with gold and promises of God,
Originating in the heart of dawn,
And I could swim in the depths of lust, encased by my own madness
Driven by your quiet way of moaning,
Or I could simply watch you breathe and know that there is nothing more
Amazing in the world.

well, there's only so many ways to deny what you already know, especially if your cup is overflowing and the cereal letters are spelling out
your prescription to Zoloft
and there's only a few moments left until you're belting out "A Better Son/Daughter" with your life stuck in neutral, which, my mate, is only a slight letdown considering how many days we all worked at that forsaken bowling alley.
So, Moonlight Sonata plays in the background while he avoids coming home...

when you are...
-------------------------------------------

tired of wearing your mask, let me know.
its been a long time.
it doesn't have to be a beautifully written goodbye letter. nor does it have to be verbose. it can illustrate your past, and leave a glimpse of your future if you so wish. but what needs to be said is this:
you are not alone. you never will be. walk forward, propel yourself to the center of the world, and know that we are not watching and wincing but smiling and dreaming (yetthisdreamisrealmyfriend) with you.
is that a fire alarm i hear?
i sincerely hope not.

Unknown,
i'm willing to advertise my enchantment if the need is there. if there's a chance that my display can erase doubt, if there's a chance that my hopefully witty wording can make you swoon, i'll write up my ode tonight and perform it for the masses at the very first sight of dawn. i'll dress down if that seems appropriate, or i'll obtain garments of gold and wear them proudly . whatever it takes to make my statement.
i won't rest until you've heard it all. until you've stood witness to the fantastic changes you've caused within and without. i'm nothing but a canvas that your mere breath makes heaven-like. if any piece seems beautiful or worthwhile, my dear, it is because you've fashioned it into an image of perfection. you are the perfect catalyst.
if only i could speak in a language that mirrored my feelings completely. but words, they seem to take a drastic turn when they cross the bridge of what-if and reality. i'm going to find a way to make everything okay. you'll learn that you are never alone. with every trace of an idea, i'll be praying for an opening into your heart.

the tree

Oh, but am I not just an extension of you?
A mere memory pulled out of you, and rendered somewhat alive?
Just a second; I hear the cacophony.
She is just a sinner, they say.
Put it away!
We can't be seen with these banned books.
Through the caves! Fear the trees!
Suck it in. Smoke isn't so bad to digest.
I have weights on my wrists. Illustrations of my pleas.
My teeth grow and turn to milk.
In an empty room, we all pray.
I just want to grasp you
and let you breathe again.
But I have tangled my leaves and shrank
upon inspection
and am no more than a carcass, next in line.

RIP

2009-12-01T02:36:00.000-08:00

My intentions were to try and make lotsa $$$$ here by posting inflammatory words, but I gave up on that. Still welcome to send d'argent my way though, don't worry.

So I'm re-reading a series I enjoyed as a child, partly to meet my fifty book goal this year, and also somewhat consciously trying to get back what I have lost, wisdom-wise. As naive as I might have been, I feel like I have lost whatever clarity, stability I had then. Things were much simpler then and with one sign, I knew what was to happen. What I asked for, came, though in deceptively ordinary packages. More importantly, I knew what to ask for, and let the rest tumble down. Much more mutable then. I could count the lights that grew, the smiles that blossomed every night.

Call it innocence.

Situations changed. I kept things, but I didn't see the point in holding it all in. Every day, it seemed, I met a new person, someone who blew my mind. They came for help, or even to cause harm. It didn't matter. At the end, it was all the same. Laughing and crying, I spent most of my time on the phone, trying to salvage what I could of someone's life. Sometimes, a figure would just appear and I'd have to push everything aside to deal with whatever disaster that had been blazing.
Yet everything was limitless. Words I'd always wanted to hear would be shouted in the dark, just for me to dream and hold on to. Give me something to hold on to, that's all I desire.
In the midst of all this ebullient energy, I called to what I needed to see, unbeknownst to me. I fashioned ideas of betrayal and much like the book, two were separated into one. Fast-forward many whispers later, and I'm stronger and on the brink of closing. I remember lightning, I remember dancing, I remember you.
Betrayed, he stands to the side of me while I dream of my temptations, the ones that I disgust. I constantly apologize to him but the question still stands- How long can this continue?
I'm partly to blame for the whole mess. I trusted in coincidence and now it is feeding me its poison. I am sure that I will still visit him in my dreams but now that there is this aftertaste-this disease of the lust- we're considering a departure.
Maybe when she leaves it'll all be better; for the sky never looked so solemn as it did when the night rain faltered.
Yet I still have hope for our relationship.
Mais, it was not just words of a fellow, worries of a womb.

I could not decide between the two. Eyes closed, red blooming from the brown, white sundresses, I lived in peace. Pax. Eyes closed, cold air, violet lights and a tension removed.

I'll never know the way to go.

I am in a cold pool of longing and I am taking it well. Like the night that gave itself to no one, I am trusting in only myself. There is one who shall rip me from my vacation inside and I realize that he is my savior. The question is not why or how but how long will he be able to hold me from my sea. Or, the bigger question- what sea will I throw myself into next?

A purpose found me.
I watched him die. It keeps playing over and over again in my head. All I can think is no, no, no. I never thought that I'd go through this. I guess karma is true.
I know now who killed him. Who made him fall during the rain, our most precious gift. Who took my love away from me. I don't care what anyone says anymore, ca m'est egal. This is the end of purity; the end of holding it all in

To be 17 again...

2009-11-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

Even though I was rather dramatic, I think I miss the way I used to write back then. I wasn't so afraid of sounding cliche or being bothered by ordinary troubles. I never really said what I meant, but I didn't feel the need to be direct. Now I don't say much of anything, perhaps for fear of being misunderstood? Who knows.

As I go back through what I wrote, I don't miss all of the life-or-death situations (though the people in them, always) but maybe the feelings behind them.

What I'm really afraid of, I suppose, is looking back at what I was writing, doing at age twenty and just seeing...nothing.

:/

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

Here is the link to vote!!! http://surveygizmo.okccontest.sgizmo.com/?u=icanhelp

2009-10-25T01:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a friend and I went on omegle to try and catch each other, and I asked for him to start at exactly 1:32. I thought it was him, but it wasn't. I swear it was someone who knows me, though. I think it was god!
It keeps happening D: D: D:

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: asl
You: 20fca
You: you?
Stranger: 18
Stranger: f
Stranger: NYC
Stranger: demi
Stranger: demi lovato
You: omg what!!!!
Stranger: no
Stranger: i'm her fans
You: me too
Stranger: what?
Stranger: we're same
You: i think we are
Stranger: name?
Stranger: facebook?
You: not sure if i should give that out, might get some h8rs
Stranger: i'm marie zizaclia fillinda
Stranger: u?
You: lily arroyo
Stranger: marie zizaclia fillindia a.k.a rie
Stranger: ziz
Stranger: or linda
You: pretty name
Stranger: thx
You: i'm her #1 fan, i guarantee it
You: except i'm not because i'm poor
Stranger: hey don't talk like that!
Stranger: if u're poor in the world, u will rich in the heaven if u do the best
Stranger: that's my motto
You: are you god
Stranger: lilly?
Stranger: no
You: sux
Stranger: of course not
Stranger: god only in heavens
You: you never know, god could like omegle
Stranger: for saving someone gets in heavens
You: easy way to see if humanity is worth saving
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: don't think the actress is reach
You: what actress? reach?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

2009-10-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

2009-09-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

QUESTIONS 4 U

Do you think the world has reached carrying capacity for humans? If not, when will this happen? Can we really do anything to prevent this or prepare for it? What will our society be like when this happens?
Other than horrible infanticide and sex trafficking of girls, are there any other reasons why China's policy toward children is wrong?
Is isolationism feasible? Desirable?
As far as foreign policy is concerned, is it better to protect our economic interests, even if it lowers the quality of life for others? (Ex: Trujillo, "El Jefe")
y do bugs exist

I SWEAR THIS IS NOT FOR HOMEWORK BESIDES I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!

2009-09-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

Place holder for review of Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson & David Oliver Relin