Slips of the Tongue

No to Vday

2023-02-15T04:32:00.001+08:00

I hate Valentine's day.

It just reminds me my little worth as a person.

It just brings back memories that should have been replaced by good ones.

It just measures the worth of a person through flowers and chocolates.

It also reminds me the loneliness and emptiness I've been hiding deep inside.

It just shows how pathetic I am as a person while others who don't even know how to love rejoice.

It eats up the remaining sanity in me.

So, I hope there would be no Valentine's day.

And I pray that it is my last miserable heart's day.

Shinu

2022-10-26T05:15:00.001+08:00

I'm hitting the rock bottom
But no one sees me

I'm gasping for my last breath
But no one feels me

I'm suffocating
But no one notices me

I'm leaving
But no one cares

I'm quickly melting down
But no one helps me

I'm becoming the darkest version of myself
Because no one uplifts me

And if I get into a void, I hope no one remembers me.
Because in life, we are destined to perish and be forgotten.

One day I'll die

2022-09-09T07:58:00.001+08:00

If one day I'll die, I will surely miss the upcoming years of laughter and happiness.

But death will save me from the coming days of pain and helplessness.

If one day I'll die, some will surely mourn my passing..
But their grievance won't take forever because soon they will forget my existence.

If one day I'll die, I won't probably see the brightness of the daylight..
But to where I'll go, there will be no day or night.

If one day I'll die, I will miss the chance to see the repentance of those who have insulted me
But I am spared from hearing and seeing them looking down on me.

If one day I'll die, I will stop waiting for the days that he will change..
But he will never know how my heart always yearn for him to see me the way I see him.

If one day I'll die, I wish it will be sudden and quiet..
Because I can no longer bear the excruciating pain of being neglected and unloved.

And I wish that one day..
will be my day of birth to another world..
So I can have the chance to live a new life without wishing that one day I'll die again.

To the man who made me his everything

2016-09-12T02:10:00.005+08:00

First of all, forgive me if spill out my feelings in time with your birthday.
It’s 1:34 in the morning, but I can’t sleep just thinking the sweet thoughts of you.
One week had passed since you walk out of my life. I can say that those 7 days were the hardest and most miserable days of my entire life.
I felt I just died with so much heartaches and sorrow.
Despite what transpired between us, I just want to mumble about my memories of you before I start forgetting them.

You love billiard so much. But you love me more than your sports..
You easily sweat, that’s why you take off your clothes most of the time at home..
You hated sinigang but learned to love it because of my cooking..
You love bulalo and nilaga but you couldn’t cook it often since I vowed to be a pescetarian..
You love to be cuddled while sleeping.. when i wrapped my arms around your chest and my legs touching yours..
You didn’t know how to play guitar until I taught you how..
You love anything that is camouflage..
You are easily moved by heavy drama movies or emotional scenes but you yawn to prevent your tears from falling..
You sang Bon Jovi’s songs whenever I requested them..
You are forgetful. But I know you’ll never forget about us.

I can’t put here all the things that remind me of you.
Believe me, I really want to hold on and say "Take me back."
But you want to leave.
And despite the hurt and pain, you’re still dear to me.
This is my way of letting you go.
“Happy birthday and goodbye.”

Written September 2016

Ano ba ako sa'yo?

2011-10-22T00:57:00.000+08:00

masama ako.. actually mali, napakasama ko pala..
ilang linggo ko nang sinusubukan umalis sa sitwasyon ko pero hindi ko alam bakit hindi ko siya maiwan..

bukod sa napakasama kong tao, sobrang tanga ko pa..
kasi pumapayag ako na back-up lang, second rate, next in line, pantapal, panakip butas, lahat siguro ng pedeng itawag sa isang taong hindi pedeng maging una sa listahan, yun ako.

ang malala, nagbubulag-bulagan ako sa nangyayari..
ibinaba ko yung sarili ko para manatili ako sa tabi niya.
na-realize ko sobrang martyr ko pala.. hindi dahil naghihintay ako sa wala..
kasi kahit ganito ang sitwasyon ko, gusto kong masaya pa rin silang dalawa..

ang sakit pala kapag pinapipili mo yung isang tao, tapos iba pa rin yung pipiliin niya..
kasi hindi ka niya kayang mahalin, kasi meron siya, kasi may pangako siya.. kasi siya yung mahal niya.. kasi siya yung nauna.. putek, sino ba ang gustong mahuli sa pagdating?!

siguro kasumpa-sumpa nga ako, pero sino ba ang nasasaktan simula't sapul hanggang ngayon?
nasa kanya parin lahat..
parang lupa lang yan, nakikitirik man ako, wala naman sa akin ang titulo..
sino ang mapapalayas? sino ang makikinabang sa naipundar mo na? hindi ba aangkinin din naman lahat ng kung sino ang legal?
kaya kahit ipaglaban ko siya, sa una pa lang talunan na ako..
hindi ko alam na ganito pala kahirap maging isa sa mga dakilang 2nd party..
parang araw-araw mong iisipin kung paano magiging permanente ang bagay na alam mong panandalian lang at hindi mo maaaring hawakan nang pangmatagalan..

tapos gusto ka pa rin niya na nandyan ka lang, pinapanood ka niyang masaktan hanggang maubos lahat ng pagkatao mo.. hanggang masaid ka at wala nang matira sa'yo kahit kaunting respeto sa sarili mo..
pag nakita ka niyang nag-iisa, ni hindi niya maisip na lapitan ka..
pag nagtext ka dahil nag-aalala ka, balewala pala sa kanya..

tang-ina talaga.. lahat yata ng paraan para ako yung piliin niya nagawa ko na..
pero parang hindi niya nakita yung lahat-lahat ng bumubuo sa akin na isinantabi ko lang..
yung sakit na nailalarawan ko dito, wala pa sa kalahati ng totoong nararamdaman ko.

kaso ang liit ng mundo.. kahit maghiwalay kami, bumabalik pa rin kami sa isa't isa..
pero ano ba talaga ako para sa kanya? ang tagal ko nang gustong itanong..
takot akong pumasok sa relasyon, pero gusto ko itong nararamdaman ko..
kahit sobrang sakit na, pero hanggang sa huli wagas..
tang-inang pagmamahal 'yan..

To my August...

2011-09-18T17:06:00.001+08:00

"If pain must come, may it come quickly..
Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible.
If he has to make a choice, may he make it now.
Then I will either wait for him or forget him.
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

The past few days were much of a period of making the right choice... for myself and as well for him.
I can't even elucidate the confusion inundating in my mind.
How to end up with a right decision without getting hurt so much? without leaving a painful mark for the rest of my life?
I'm trying to walk in the path of morality but my feelings keep my feet running towards him.
I tried to distant myself from him and control my emotions.. But i just couldn't exist now without him by my side.
It this will fail, it will be my biggest tragedy in love. And I don't know if I can stand again afterwards.

God knows I do love him so much..
And whatever might happen, i will never love another man with more than the love he felt from me.

Magkakamali ka rin

2011-08-26T17:23:00.001+08:00

"Wala kang karapatang pumasok sa isang relasyon.."
hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sobrang naapektuhan ako nang sabihan ako nito..
simula kagabi hanggang sa mga oras na ito, paulit-ulit sa utak ko yung linya niya...

hindi naman ako galit, pero nasaktan ako nang sobra...
parang ang dating sa akin, wala akong karapatang magmahal kasi makakasakit lang ako ng tao.
may punto naman siya kaso masakit lang marinig mula sa isang tao na pinagkwekwentuhan ko ng mga naranasan ko na ganun yung naging tingin niya..
sa ngayon, masasabi kong tama siya..
pero patutunayan ko na magiging mali siya balang araw.

Sa Direksyon Mo

2011-08-07T12:14:00.003+08:00

Lalakad pasulong..
pero mamaya uurong..
Titingin kapag ika'y malayo..
pero nakayuko kapag nakasalubong..

Iniisip kung may nagbago..
subalit damdamin ko'y sadyang magulo.
Hindi malaman kung lilingon,
sa direksyon na itinuturo ng puso.

Nagpapanggap na masaya
kapag may kasamang iba..
Pero pag nakita ka na..
Bumabalik pa rin sa'yo talaga.

Ngunit ang daan ko ay hindi papalapit sa'yo.
Patuloy na lumalakad upang makalayo.
Gustuhin ko mang huminto o subukang lumiko..
pero 'di ko na kaya, hanggang dito na lang ako.

I miss you

2011-07-30T23:18:00.007+08:00

I can't still veer away from thinking about the momentous event two days ago..
I saw him personally.. in flesh and alive.

To see you when I wake up

is a gift I didn't think could be real.

I couldn't control myself to scream out the excitement that has been kept inside for three months.

Finally, he's there singing and I was just listening to every words he had spoken.. to his soothing voice that was engraved in my brain.

To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.

I didn't care about the crowd..

All I could see was him, standing in front of me..

He's a seraphim in disguise who can mend all the broken souls with just his whisper.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said..

It might be just a spur of moment that I felt the connection between his song and the essence to listen to it.
For a moment, it ignited my feelings and felt anew for some unknown reason.

I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.

You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.

And when he stepped out of the stage and thought he wouldn't come back,
the whole atmosphere turned gloomy and lifeless.

I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care and..

Then, suddenly, his shadow appeared again..

It made my heart jumped out.

Incubus Live in Manila July 28, 2011 - photo by Xien Primero

And when he started to play that familiar melody, I couldn't help but to melt to where I stood.

And like what I'd seen in my dreams for hundred times..

He sang it to me..

I miss you.

-Incubus

Crowning glory

2011-07-23T19:44:00.001+08:00

I remember the last time my hair was cut at its shortest length..

I was weeping for almost a month and swore to God that i would never let my hair be trimmed too short..

Since then, I treated my hair just like a precious crown..

It had been dyed, curled, permed, rebonded, etc.. everything just to make it look splendid.

Noticeably, I rarely tie my hair in ponytail because it tends to draw people's attention much to my face..

Recently, I went to a hair salon and had a hair rebond treatment.

But the hairstylist asked to shorten my hair to my shoulder level..

I agreed but the end result was not really pleasing (for me).

I wanted to fix and put back my hair strands from the floor..

However, that was obviously unimaginable and impossible.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I wonder how long I will wait to grow my hair longer..
It is frustrating..
I have a feeling akin to losing a part of myself which will take time to rejuvenate..
And all I can do is to wait for it to grow..

@<#*!

2011-07-09T11:31:00.001+08:00

Putang Ina..

Bakit sila lang ba ang may karapatang magmura?

Pakshet..

Feeling ba nila hindi ko kaya?

Tang-ina talaga..

Akala ba niya hindi ako nasaktan?

Nakakagago..

Kasi yung sa tingin ko na pangmatagalan, nagtapos ng wala pang isang buwan..

Putek...

Ang dami-daming dapat isipin parang sasabog utak ko..

Leche talaga..

Kaya ko pa ba yung idinagdag nila.. May karapatan ba akong tumanggi? 'Di ba wala.

Shet..

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong sundin.. Hindi ako makapgdesisyon para sa sarili ko.

Gusto kong makawala..

Hayop siya..

Sa tingin ba niya nakalimutan ko na 'yun?! Putang ina, hindi madaling kalimutan iyon. Demonyo siya.. Lahat ng pede kong itawag sa kanya.. Putek! Bakit ba niya nagawa sa akin iyon?! Bakit ako pa?! Sisiguraduhin ko na pag nagkita ulit kami.. tingin ko pa lang, lulubog na siya sa kinatatayuan niya dahil hayop siya. Hindi niya naisip kung ano nagawa niya sa buhay ko.. Walanghiya siya.. Hayop talaga siya.. Putang ina niya.. Mamatay na siya..

*ang sarap sa pakiramdam nang makawala minsan.. ehehehe

Ilusyonadang Pusa

2011-06-23T15:24:00.004+08:00

Hindi ako sanay ng ganito na walang ginagawa..

nasa bahay lang at nagpapakaburo sa napakaraming ideya na pumapasok sa utak ko..

Ang dami kong gustong gawin..

gusto kong tumugtog ng piano, gitara, violin, drums at harp..

kanina, naggitara ako habang kumakanta kaso napagod din ako..

namiss ko yung piano ko si Dylan.. at yung banda ko sa Church.

namiss kong kumanta kasama sila..

hindi ako yung tipo ng babae na mahilig sa sports pero gusto kong matuto ng anumang laro.

Paglalaro lang ng Arnis ang kaya ko.. bukod doon, wala na..

Hindi ako pede mag-volleyball kasi sensitibo raw dugo at balat ko pag nahahampas.

hindi naman ako marunong magbasketball.. pag agawan kasi ng bola, nananabunot ako ng buhok ng kalaban..

Kaya bumili ako ng raketa at shuttle cock kahapon, maglalaro ako ng badminton simula ngayon..

courtesy: Carla Bauto

Gusto kong mag-swimming..

Kapag kasi nakalutang ako sa tubig, pakiramdam ko lumilipad ako sa kakaibang mundo.

Kaya kong tumagal ng ilang oras na naka-float sa kahit anong pwesto..

Hindi ako takot malunod kasi alam ko lulutang pa rin ako.

Gusto kong magpinta ulit..

hawakan ang mga brush at madumihan ng mga kulay at tinta ang kamay at damit ko.

masarap kapag yung ideya sa isipan mo, nakikita mo sa harap mo..

hindi na lang siya imahinasyon, kundi totoo..

Gusto kong kumuha ulit ng mga litrato ng mga tao at kung anu-anong bagay na nakikita ko..

Ibang dimensyon ang nasisilip sa lente ng kamera..

sa isang iglap, ang bagay na walang halaga sa karamihan, nagiging sentro.. nagiging atraksyon.

courtesy: Nikko Qiuogue

Isa sa pinakahihintay ko ay ang mag-volunteer sa isang child center..

Gusto ko talaga magturo sa mga bata ng artwork o ng kanta..

Kaya natutuwa ako na nakabalik ako sa pag-aaral..

dahil isa sa "requirements" ng isang subject ko ay magsilbi sa mga batang inabuso, iniwan at pinagkaitan ng magandang kinabukasan..

Ilusyonada ako.. ang dami-dami kong gustong gawin..

pero parang ang ikli ng oras.. ng buhay.

sa ngayon, masaya ako dahil may isang bagay akong nagagawa..

ang magsulat ng mga bagay na naiisip ko..

pero hindi ko mabigkas.

Bakit gising ka pa?

2011-06-22T20:23:00.000+08:00

Sa dami ng nais kong sabihin sa'yo kagabi..
para akong nautal at wala nang nasabi..

sa ikalawang pagkakataon, nagdalawang isip na naman ako..
nagsinungaling ako sa sarili ko sa tunay kong nararamdaman..
pinaniwala ko na naman ikaw na parang wala lang ang lahat.. ng nakalipas sa ating dalawa.

mahirap magkunwari..
pero ang totoo..
ikaw pa rin hanggang ngayon.

To the one who fall... in line

2011-06-14T14:21:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I went to UP Diliman for my enrollment.. The moment I dropped by the cashier, the line of those who would also pay their enrollment fees was extremely long.. And I had no choice but to fall in line..

The atmosphere was hot and humid.. not to mention the occasional breeze brushing our sweating skin.. It took me more than a hour before finally getting inside the cashier room-- the aircon room..

As I was entering the room, an old woman hurriedly overtook me in the line and got my seat.. For a moment, I was still and surprised with the way she acted.. Then I laughed to myself. After few minutes, I finally got inside and sat beside the old woman.

There were so many thoughts boggling me while sitting beside her.. Should I confront her? Should I say "Manang, may pila po.. Ang dami pong naghihintay sa labas. Mahigit isang oras po kami naghintay.. Bawal sumingit." But my mouth was shut and I couldn't utter anything.

Then suddenly, I began thinking about similar scenarios in my life.. I started questioning myself, "Catha, ganyan ka na lang ba palagi? Hindi ka na lang iimik kahit masama ang loob mo? kahit nasasaktan ka na? Manhid ka ba? Hindi ka ba magtatanong kung bakit nila ginagawa iyon sa'yo? Kikimkimin mo na lang ba lahat?"

I began having teary eyes while blankly staring at the cashier window.. contemplating on my recently broken relationship.. I answered to myself, "You never asked why.. because he didn't want to answer.. But It still hurts.."

It took me five years waiting for someone who will make me whole again.. Then, he came along unexpectedly. It was one of the best moments of my life-- to finally trust again. I didn't believe that it would happen to me for the second time.

But with just one snap of fingers.. he's gone.

If i have to be honest with myself, no one can take the place of him for a long time.

Sana masabi ko rin, "Hey, may pila.. Ang daming naghihintay sa ganito.. Mahigit limang taon akong naghintay.. Tapos, ganun lang pala.."

Look who's hurting

2011-05-07T20:40:00.002+08:00

Let me just defend myself from the wrong accusations of people throwing at me..
I've heard so much.. and some are too painful to bear..
I'm just playing deaf and poker face but I'm not numb. I feel so much sadness more than anyone can imagine. But do I need to show them in the newsroom while I'm working?

Because if I can really do that, maybe it would be easier for me to forget my feelings.
Most of them think I jumped in and out of the relationship so fast.. That is below the belt.
Or someone just told me straight to my face, "hindi ka niya natagalan noh?!".. That really hurts..
And the other one is that "mukhang masaya pa raw ako after the break up" ..
Do people really think I have 100% numbness inside? Think again.

I cried at the stairs of the basement.. I cried inside the cr.. in front of the lobby. I cried in the corners of GMA.
It's one of the worst situations I'm trying to face because I can't express my emotions fully.. And honestly, it drains me day by day.

If he and I didnt say something about us, well because we don't owe anyone any explanation..

It's just sad that in depressed and down moments like these, here they are.. adding more to our suffering..

They might think I don't look at him.
But deep in the corner of my mind, he's been there all the time..

Loving doesn't cease in ending a relationship..

So now, I guess they should know who's really hurting right now..

Someone who stays

2011-05-01T12:34:00.012+08:00

It's nice to have someone who loves you back.. but what i need is someone who stays..

Not even a thousand heartbreaking songs can reflect the sad melody this aching thing singing inside my chest..

Nandito nakaukit pa rin sa puso ko,
Nang sabihin mong "wag na lang"..
Nandito nakatatak pa rin sa isip ko,
Kung paano mo tinalikuran ang lahat.
Kay bilis ba't umalis, nakakamiss

Na bigla lang..
di ko man lamang nalaman na mawawala,
Na bigla lang..
di mo man lamang naisip na idahan-dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala...

Whirlwind

2011-04-16T15:23:00.002+08:00

Should i say "finally, this is it!"?
Am i in love? -- "sakto lang!"
It's not that deep but it keeps me inspired for many weeks since then...

"Love is a decision governed by a strong feeling", a friend of mine told me.
I made a choice which I'm not certain if i can stand for it but the feeling is overwhelming and we both know that it's beyond friendship, because it's larger than life.

Here's the catch-- nabibilisan ako sa nangyayari.. One day, i woke up realizing I no longer belonged to the list of single ladies anymore. and ooops! how can I tell the other guys that they lose the ball?

It seems like a whirlwind romance at first glance.
Yet, it's a new chapter of my story i would like to craft with him.
After few days, I started questioning my own decision. But why?
I know in myself that I'm not demanding like other committed girls.

But how will i tell him that his efforts (if there are) are not enough for me to stay in our relationship?
that he's not reaching my expectations?
that i still have apprehensions and fears?
and that i hate this feeling of waiting for something i shouldn't wait for..

Paano ko babawiin? Kasi parang hindi ko na matagalan.. na ganito.
But one thing is for sure... i don't want to lose this one.

The Heart's Epilogue

2011-02-24T00:33:00.003+08:00

Love doesn’t cease.. with or without perfect goodbye.

Forgive me but I have to spill some lingering thoughts from this troubled mind.

Two years had passed since that day I left a romantic relationship, perhaps I’m not sure if I can call it a relationship due to its vagueness.

Still, I don’t seize the liberty to get into a serious commitment. My door is open but every time someone tries to come in, apprehension and fear of getting hurt blocks the way.

I love the freedom of singlehood. No rules to break, no restrictions to obey, no expectations to meet but no one fills the emptiness inside.

As I was contemplating about my past relationships, I realized that they ended up without closure, like cases unclosed. Maybe a long life awaits me to unveil the reasons and unspoken explanation through time. That’s beneficial in my part!

Closing a relationship that is bound to die down and saying the right words to convey the hackneyed goodbye lines such as "i don't want to end this but..", "we have to this for us to grow.. etc"

Will these lines satiate the thousand questions in one's mind? Is it still necessary for a person to be able to move on? Probably, it is needed so one won’t have to wait for the other. It's the seal of a fading love enveloped by rejection and frustration.

Maybe it’s not, because people have much things to deal with and get worried about than tracing the root of an unsuccessful chemistry. Most likely, it really depends on how much affection and love you invested to that someone who went away. And I’m still uncertain about it.

And to be perfectly honest, I must say that closure is a respect that everyone must receive in this constellation of different relationships called life.

It's the finale of a love story where one can address his heart's epilogue to his/her significant other for the very last time.

Thus, the one who goes out must shut the door of someone's heart closed.

A Remnant of Sweetest Whatever

2011-02-22T04:47:00.002+08:00

"If a picture paints a thousand.. then why can't i paint you"

Who's this guy? perhaps one of you will raise an eyebrow while asking me..

I can't believe that after almost two years, i still can't post a single picture of me with him. how pathetic.

Since this is my first blogpost of year 2011.. i'll give clues..

He's the perfect stranger who shakened my life..

He's the unseen watermark of the lines I scribble in writings for the past two years..

He's the uninvited guest in my dreams who has asked for apology a hundred times..

He's the bittersweet chocolate that savored my unsatisfied hunger and thirst for affection..

He's like the sun.. brighter than anything that one can gaze from the earth..

And even if i closed my eyes and stop staring at it, I can still see its blinding reflection.

He's the pop up video playing in my mind whenever I sing or hear the Beyonce's Halo song and Katy Perry's Thinking of You..

And whoever he is..
I'll tell you..

It took a lot of courage to let someone as devilly beautiful as him .. get inside my heart..

The Equation of Moving on

2010-11-02T01:07:00.005+08:00

If mending a broken heart is like solving a math equation, definitely it would be easier for someone like me (a mathematician as what my classmates called me wayback highschool and college days)
I'm best in trigonometry, physics, statistics, anything that has to do with numeric symbols, calculating figures and providing solutions to seemingly tough math problems.

But there's one thing im not good at..
honestly, i'm not good at moving on..

How I wish it's like a dyslexia than can be corrected with reading again the lines. It's not.
It took me three years to be completely healed from my first break up.
My excuse back then.. it was the first and nobody told me that it would hurt like hell..
the worst part.. no one taught me how to prepare for the transition of being committed to going solo again.
My mistake.. I gave much and stepped one foot ahead..

Then out of a blue, just last year, the second one came with promises sprouting from his lips.
That time, I was thinking i shouldn't expect too much so it would not hurt if we parted ways.
Within me was the excitement to be reborn with new love and admiration..
This love illusion kept dragging me back to him.
But life has always been tricky to me.. he cheated on me..
and i did the same on him..
My mistake.. I trusted too much and too fast..

I moved on but not completely over with the painful experience.
Still trying to convince myself that I should not generalize that all men were like him..
that i just stumbled with a wrong guy..

Then another one came unexpectedly..
It didn't go far to a relationship.
I am still mesmerized with the feelings, albeit I resigned to fact that it will be requited.
It is as close to being in love..
Yet, i decided to move on and say bye-bye to that delusion of him smiling back at me.

Some can quickly jump into another relationship recklessly.
In my case, time seems to slow thrice when I decipher what-went-wrong scenarios.
Love has its own timeframe.
and we should not hurry things..
you should not hurry my feelings..

Pinag-iisipan pa

2010-08-29T16:40:00.001+08:00

Di na binabalikan ang lahat ng nakalipas na,

ang mga bagay na niluma na ng panahon,
ang mga pangakong pinarupok ng mga taon,
ang mga alaalang unti-unting nababaon sa limot..

Di na dapat nililingon ang mga taong napako sa kahapon,
ang mga dating sinusulyapan at hinihintay
ang mga di karapat-dapat na nakatanggap ng pagpapahalaga
ang mga nagdulot ng maling pag-asa at kabiguan
ang mga manhid at walang pakiramdam
ang mga hindi marunong humingi ng tawad sa mga nasaktan nila

Bakit pagbubuksan ang isang pusong ikinadena ng nakaraang pagsuyo?
Kung mayroon namang naninikluhod na damdaming malayang magmahal.
Di na dapat pinagninilayan kung anong tama.
Ang mahalaga ay nandiyan na.
Bukas-palad na idinudulog ang kalingang matagal nang inaasam.

Wala na dapat pag-aagam-agam kung kaninong kamay ang aabutin.
Di na kailangang mamili,
Kung wala namang pagpipilian.

Di ba mas makatarungan na iparamdam din sa isang tao
ang sakit na siyang unang nagpadama?
Subalit may mga bagay na di na napapalitan pa.
Tulad niya na di na dapat iniisip pa.

Hindi na dapat, di ba?

Malalim na buntung hininga

2010-08-09T00:35:00.000+08:00

Aminado ako, binura ko halos lahat ng posts ko tungkol sa isang tao.
yun ay dahil akala ko makakawala ako sa pag-iisip sa kanya..
pero sa pagkakataong ito, iisang pangalan lang ang umuulit sa utak ko.
at para sasabog ang isip ko.

pero kailangan na kitang pakawalan sa isip ko.. para mabuo ulit ako..

Reunited

2010-01-24T15:58:00.001+08:00

This is a happy day..
at last, I returned and attended the worship service of LBBC, my eLbi church.. i was kinda nervous and excited to see my mentors and churchmates. I followed Kuya Aying (close friend of mine) heading the church door and as I opened it, i kept telling myself, "this is it!"..

It felt so good to be back and surrounded by people who readily welcomed me after my long awayness.
I can't put into words the excitement and euphoria seeing everyone raised a smile and wanted to hug me .. That was really priceless and worth the visit. i felt my heart was beating thrice at a time.

"Ok na po ako.", i answered then smiled when my mentors (worship leaders) asked how i have been. i could not gratified their curiosity but i believed those 4 words were enough to tell the complicated backstory of my absence.

Ice cream

2010-01-09T11:14:00.003+08:00

Ang shades ay ginagamit kapag maaraw dahil nasisilaw tayo.. Pede ring pangporma, para magmukhang sosyal..
Ang iba nagsususot ng shades para di sila makilala ng mga tao..
Ang ilan naman para ipakita na DG o Rayban ang brand ng suot nila..
May iba din naman na nagse-shades para di malaman ng iba na puyat , walang tulog, malaki ang eyebag, pugto ang mata dahil sa pag-iyak o kaya naman umiiyak na pala..
Malaking bagay din pala ang pagsusuot ng shades, naikukubli nito kung anong ayaw ipakita ng mga mata..

Naisip ko agad pagdating ng dorm na gawin ang unang blog ngayong taon kahit nilalagnat.
Masasabi ko na malungkot ako habang isinulat ito pero hindi nito maisasalamin kung gaano kabigat ang nararamdaman ko. Ito ang blog na di ko pinag-isipan. Hahayaan ko na lang. Free association kumbaga.

Hindi ako depressed. Naiintindihan ko na ang pag-aaral ko ng MA Psychology, tinatanggalan nito ako ng karapatan na maging depressed. Dapat lagi akong ok. Wala akong karapatang sabihin na “di ko na kaya” dahil sabi ng aking prof, it's like saying, “I am weak”.

Tama nga siguro na may nakapagsabi sa akin na isa akong jugdmental na tao at hindi ako consistent.
Madaming pinanggagalingan ang nararamdaman ko. Pero di ko pede ikwento kasi gusto kong sarilinin na lang.

Sana natatanggal ng pagkain ng ice cream ang lahat kahit panandalian lang. O kaya ng chocolates.
Kasalanan ko ang lahat.. Wala akong karapatan..
at sana may manlibre sa akin ng ice cream.. hindi ako magku-kwento pero sasabihin ko sa kanya na,

“Buti na lang naka-shades ako kanina sa bus.”

Zephyr

2009-12-31T15:37:00.001+08:00

For the last time,
I stared at the four walls of my room with increasing sadness felt in the atmosphere.
I closed my eyes because I couldn't hold my tears from coming out. Not again..
Inevitably, they slid unhurriedly like liquid grains and dried up without traces..
reminiscent of moments shared with a person I hardly knew.
The gentle wind gusted inside through the slightly opened window
disturbing the quietness of the room.
It rang the chime.. "What happens here, stays here."
I was always waiting..
waiting for him..
he was my zephyr that rustled in the early summer breeze.
I was swept away by the gentlest of all winds..
I swang the door and took my last glance inside..
then slowly closed it just like a chapter of a book.
I held my head up high and left silently..
"It was beneath me to beg.."