— Zadie Smith, White Teeth

…it’s good for the gander.

I learned this lesson through experience, not by listening to my parents, unfortunately. Please read: the G Saga.

Boys will leave you. Highschool relationships are not real. G left me. Then I gave a handjob to a guy under a blanket while my friends were watching a movie and guess what, he DIDN’T want to go out for dinner the next weekend! Instead, he harrassed me for the next 3 years on AIM asking me to come over and have sex on his futon his parents let him move into his room.

Then I met Ex-BF and I was in love. We were best friends and inseparable. We did everything together. Literally, for 2 years we spent every waking hour together. We would get to school at the same time. OR we would meet at my dad’s house before school to have sex and shower together. We had all most of our classes together. Then, afterschool we’d be together until his mother demanded him home at 10-11 pm. EVERY WAKING HOUR. and I never grew tired. Not once. I thought it was the real deal. We fought, but we got over it.

Then college came. I was the one that decided months in advance to break up for college. I was the one that enforced it. But 1 day into college, I wanted him back. I spent the next 6 months calling him and crying and telling him how horrible he was for not wanting to do long distance. I drunk-dialed and harassed him incessantly. Until he told me to get the fuck out of his life. (understandable).

Fast-forward through 12 sex partners and a few more BJ-recievers later, and you get to my sophomore year of college. I had nothing to show for freshman year. No one wanted me. No one wanted to date me. I couldn’t rely on anyone.

The Republican and I break up, after talking about marriage and I was picking out veils and wedding gowns and the like. I hated him. No respect. Oh well.

Then Lip Ring was a massive retarded fail (dumb boys are just….dumb.)

Then enter C, the love of my life.

We had rockiness. He cheated. He was lying. He was sneaking around. But everytime it happened, in the end I still wanted to be with him. Now, he’s a changed man. And I still want to be with him.

But, everytime I think about these bad things, I think, well I can’t count on him. I need to get the fuck out. I keep thinking that relationships end when terrible things happen and haven’t been able to wrap my head around why our just won’t die when it gets so fucked up. C called our relationship a “zombie” last night. No matter how much one of us fucks up and tries to kill it, we keep wandering back into each other’s beds and hearts. I think this speaks to the true love and admiration we have for eachother.

But I’m not supposed to BELIEVE in that. I’m not supposed to think that things will work out in the end. I’m not supposed to make these future plans. But somehow, I find myself on a yearlong apartment lease with C, and we’re talking about having a baby.

I keep telling myself how stupid I am for talking about these things. I keep playing them off like their just a joke. There’s a lot of dissonance right now–I feel like I actually want a future with him. But rationally, I keep convincing myself that I’m being an idealistic child.

Am I? Is this what an adult relationship is like? Is the non-accountability of males something left for highschool and college boys? Can adult men, dare I say it, be trusted and counted on for a future????????

AM I ACTUALLY IN A REAL ADULT MARRIAGE-POTENTIAL REALTIONSHIP !?!?!?!? OOOH MY GOD I AM.

My interest in him grew 10-fold. He was everything I wanted–funny, cute and super sweet. We would walk to Walgreens together and spend $5 on stupid knicknacks. We’d rent movies. We’d swim. We’d play pool. We were best buddies and were inseparable. Summer love?

We both went to different highschools the next year and it grew rougher to see eachother. We could only see eachother on weekends. But we’d talk every day on AIM. I invited him to my formal homecoming. Over Thanksgiving break, G and his friend Davey were over at my house and we were watching South Park (the Mormon episode. I remember). I was laying down next to G who was laying sprawled across two chairs in my game room. His face got close to mine and we kissed.

After making out for a few minutes, Davey says “So, am I just going to walk back to your house tonight, G?”

I was embarrased and we stopped making out. The next night G came over again. This time, we were by ourselves and made out for 4 hours. Now, people may think that is an exaggeration, but it’s really more of an underestimate. I remember taking a break to breathe and trying to inconspicuously scrape his dried saliva off my face. A few days later he consults my best girl friend about the best way to ask me out. He concludes that he wants to do it on Christmas, like….I open a present and it’s him. How sweet, right?! Well, she decides that it’s Thanksgiving and waiting until Christmas is too long to wait to be in love. He agrees he’ll do it sooner. Of course, she tells me this after they get finished talking.

For the next few weeks, I waited and waited. G and I talked more often but we didn’t hang out as much anymore. Then, it was the night of high highschool’s dance. He had invited me and I showed up. He spent the entire night talking to another girl and asked her out during a slow song. I was heartbroken.

Afterwards, G claims that I was the one who taught him how to be a good boyfriend. thanks for the consolation prize.

He broke my heart. I didn’t get over it until I changed schools the next year and started a new emo-less life.

C asked me a few weeks ago to put my finger in his be-hind. The Marine and C and I were drunk one night (as is common when we all hang out.) Marine confessed that he had a girl put her finger up his ass while he was receiving a blowie and he came instantaneously. C didn’t say anything indicating his interest. He stayed mostly quiet while the Marine and I discussed stigmas around straight guy butt-play.

Later that night while we were drunkenly fooling around, he asked me to explore. I obliged but felt bad because we didn’t have lube or anything. I started to go down on him and rub his rosebud firmly with my hands. He was still kinda tight but I tried to squeeze my fingertip in. I didn’t get very far but I continued to suck him off until he came.

His response was “That was…okay. I don’t see what the big deal is.” I thought he meant that it didn’t feel good so it wasn’t a big deal. But now I’m thinking maybe he meant he doesn’t see what the big deal about it being stigmatized…???

A few days later we were drunk again and he asked me to put it in again. This time we were on my bed and I have a wide array of lube samples in my side-table drawer. I whipped out the “wet platinum” because I thought maybe that would last a reasonable amount. I started with the pressure on the outside and continued to suck him off. I licked his balls and wiggled my tongue around his asshole a bit before continuing with the shaft. Mid-way through the blowjob, he welcomed the idea of my finger in his be-hind, so to speak, and it slid in easily.

At this point, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I poked around where the prostate is supposed to be located. His eyes didn’t roll back in his head so I figured it wasn’t doing it for him. I pushed my finger in and out and then he decided it was time for sex. We shift around and he enters me from the top. I reach around and massage his ass and find my finger knuckle deep in his asshole again. Now, he’s fucking me hard and I don’t even move my finger. I let his thrusting do the work. He comes quickly.

Afterwards, while he enjoys a cigarette and I’m relaxing, he remarks that his ass is kinda sore.

A few days later during a quickie between classes, he makes the same request. I oblige, noting that he’s totally sober right now. He comes hard as I press on his prostate.

Yesterday, we had a very emotional night…talking about all of my hangups about him leaving me, etc. We eventually end up hooking up and I try to put my finger in his ass again. It’s fairly tight…but eventually opens up. However, this time I had my finger in his be-hind and my thumb pressing on his perineum**. He loved it and screamed like a little girl and came all over the place. Said he loved what I was doing with my thumb. Yaaaay!

Now–magazines (*ahem* cosmo) have been saying forever that pressure on the perineum reaches the prostate. I’m currently enrolled in 60 hours of classes to become a sex educator, and after looking at the anatomical slides, I’ve concluded that I don’t think it’s the prostate that it stimulates. I think it’s the base of the penis inside the body. And, this being a spot that is rarely touched, feels good because it’s a new nerve sensation. Yes, maybe the base of the penis pushes into the prostate (like a domino effect) but I don’t personally believe this is how it works.

I back this up by a) the drawing and b) the fact that while I was giving a BJ and had my thumb on the perineum, when I thrusted down with my mouth, I could feel something move under my thumb. Namely–the penis being smooshed into the base.

The combination of my finger in the ass and my thumb on the perineum plus the blowjob and ball-licking made it incredible for him. I would recommend these moves to anyone. I kinda pinched my thumb and finger together through his body and moved them simultaneously. If your partner is not comfortable with rear action, I still recommend the perineum pressure thing.

**PERINEUM: the area between the balls and the asshole.

I want your psycho, your vertigo stick. Want you in my rear window, baby it’s sick..

“I have a theory. I feel like women have come so far because of the sexual revolution, women’s lib, the feminist movement—we can work, we can nurture, we can be equal partners. Meanwhile, men haven’t really gone anywhere since the Industrial Revolution. Guys in my generation don’t have manners, really; they’re not gentlemen. It’s sad. The only thing they can do to feel powerful is to screw a bunch of people.”

— Rashida Jones

“Panties is a wonderful word. When did you stop saying ‘panties’? It’s sexy. It’s girlie. It’s naughty. Say it more.”

—Christina Hendricks

yeesss!!!!

1. the music score from beauty and the beast.

2. when kat is reading the poem at the end of “10 things i hate about you”. not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

3. the wall-E trailer. seriously. THE LAST ROBOT ON EARTH. that shit is so sad.

4. the notebook.

5. “breathe me” by sia.