Mysteries are my mom’s brain candy of choice and I would not be surprised if she has read every mystery in our local library.  Twice.  From time to time she will read a non-mystery book that someone recommends to her.  (In fact, she picked up The Great Gatsby after my review of the movie.)  A couple weeks ago she asked me if I had ever read Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen.  It was autobiographical and pretty “cute” my mom said.

Continue Reading…

fall of 1997

You don’t know that the friend you have relied on for years and years to make you laugh and to listen to your fears was meant to do just that for the rest of your life.

June 18, 2005

‘Til death do you part.

June 18, 2012

Some things have not changed at all since we met.

We still laugh at the most inappropriate things ever.

We still feel most comfortable being sad around each other.

We still have the same friend group we did in middle/high school…they just live all over the USA.

My brothers even still call you “Curly”.

We still love Pearl Jam.

But some things are different.

January 1, 2013

We are adults now and have to think about things like budgets.

We drink wine occasionally instead of cheap beer always.

We made babies.

We argue sometimes.

We’ve gained weight.

Fall 2012

That’s really about it.

Oh, and we have more love than we had all those years ago.

Actually, we have more love today than we had yesterday.

Because that’s how it goes when you unexpectedly fall in love with your best friend.

Each day you are amazed that this is the person you married…

and that you love him more than you did ever before this moment.

Happy 8th anniversary to us.

Almost four years ago you became a dad.  You were sort of nervous, if I remember correctly.  Although I was sort of preoccupied at the time, so I hope you’ll forgive my lapse in memory.

Listen, I know.  Father’s Day sucks for you.  I has for almost eight years now.

Father’s Day 2005 was the last time you celebrated your dad while he was with us.  We had been married less than 24 hours and it was pretty emotional since we all knew it was his last one.

After we opened our wedding gifts, we celebrated Father’s Day.  I know it was awkward.  Your mom and stepdad were there as were all my siblings and my parents.  Not exactly a nice, intimate way to have your last Father’s Day with your dad.  I’ve always felt bad about that.

The next three Father’s Days were meh.  We celebrated my dad and your stepdad, but there was always something hanging in the air.  Something big and ugly, while at the same time there was something missing.  A big hole.  It was all just…wrong.  Icky.

Then you became a dad.

And you were amazing.

You didn’t always know what to do, but you always did what was best.

But Father’s Day still had a lump of ugly.  I tried, babe.  I really did.  I didn’t want you to forget your dad, but I wanted you to feel celebrated.  I know I failed in lots of ways.  Some of that was because I tried to force conversation about your dad.  Other times I was sick and depressed and your day sucked because my brain sucked.  And sometimes I just wanted too much out of the day.  I wanted more than you wanted.

Of course, you became a daddy all over again last year.

You were much more ready this time.  Much calmer.  You even joked and laughed with the docs and nurses during my surgery.

You still didn’t always know what you were doing, but you did know that it was Ok to not have all the answers.  That everything…and everyone…would be Ok.

Again you were amazing.

I think Father’s Day got better last year.  I am not really sure why–whether it’s because I am in a better place or because time helps us know each other’s needs better or because I just listened better.  I don’t know.

What I do know is this…I wish Father’s Day didn’t have to have that piece of suck stuck to it.  I know that won’t ever go away.  It’s hard to watch you smile through the pain.  I know you LOVE being a dad. I also know the biggest hurt in your heart is that your dad isn’t here to see and experience your being a dad.

I know that today, while you loved having Charlie wake you up, having Eddie and I pull in with Starbucks for you, getting gifts that your sons thought of on their own, and having Eddie yell HAPPY…what day mom? FATHER’S DAY, DADDY!

I know you love that Eddie announced he wanted to get you a Flash T-shirt and even though I told him I didn’t think that they would have that at Target, they did.  And Eddie has said, “I told you, mom” about a thousand times since we bought it on Thursday.

But I also know that every time the boys make you smile, something hurts in your heart at the same damn time.

You have no idea how I wish I could make that go away.

I don’t want you to forget your dad…I want him to be here with you.

I know that is impossible, but I am sick of it being impossible.  I am sick of the one thing that I want to gift you to be out of reach.

I am sick of saying “He sees you. He knows.” And I am sick of you having to nod and be Ok with that even though you will never be Ok with that.

Mostly I am sick of seeing the sadness in the smile.

There should never be sadness in a smile.

I know the sadness will always be there and even though I rage against it because I can’t change it for you…even though I give God stink-eye from time to time, I know too that even though there is sadness, there will also always be the smile.

I strive to make sure there is always a smile in front of the sadness.

Even if that smile is totally forced because our life is crazy…and our kids crazier.

I love you, Cortney.

I hope the boys and I did a good job of making you smile yesterday.

We still haven’t figured out the right routine for us and there were a few break-downs.

Both by children and adults.

But we tried to find a happy spot in each day.

June 9: Reading the Sunday ads in the only place his brother can’t bother him.

June 10: sweet little moments on bath night.

June 11: some time to read during nap.

June 12: Play Doh on yet another rainy day.

June 13: Getting out of the house and being good for errands = donut reward.

June 14: The boys make me a lunch of wieners.

June 15: Meeting the new guy.

Even though we are still trying to figure stuff out, we managed to have fun.

We had a playdate with fun neighbors,

made lemon cookies and homemade ice cream,

we held a new baby and played with old friends,

we read books,

we played cards and ate part of a 5-pound Hershey bar,

and we laughed a lot.

So even though patience was lost and frustrations festered,

it was a good week.

Because retro is sooo “in” right now, a bloggy friend or two of mine have brought back the surveys in a blogging meme called Old School Blogging.  I have resisted up until now, but as my friends from college know, I simply cannot resist a good survey for long.  So here goes…

Alphabet Meme

A. Attached or Single? I prefer Kraft SINGLES since I have never heard of Kraft ATTACHES.

B. Best Friend? the guy at Starbucks who is not too chipper, and always does the whip cream just right with the perfect amount of caramel swirl on my frap.

C. Cake or pie? Let them eat cake!

D. Day of choice? Tomorrow

E. Essential Item? a private, flushing toilet.  This may be related to why I don’t camp.

F. Favorite color? yellow. It’s the color of cheese…and of happy.  Yes, those are related.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Neither. I don’t like gummy bears and I sure don’t like worms. Blech.

H. Hometown? Zeeland, Mi or as we called it in college, StinkTown

I. Favorite Indulgence? Starbucks. I perhaps need to raise my bar a bit.

J. January or July? July. January is for Nazis.  Just kidding, but it’s cold and snowy and stupid.  July means no school and swimming. It’s an obvious choice.

K. Kids? Why yes…two freakishly handsome sons.

Eddie and Charlie both at 15 months

L. Life isn’t complete without? Words. Written, spoken, whatever. Words are my air.

M. Marriage date? June 18, 2005. We are coming on 8 years.  Or as I like to say, Gr8 Years! (Cort does NOT join me in loving to say that)

N. Number of brothers/sisters? Two wiener brothers that are mine because my parents thought they could replicate the awesome that is me.  They failed.  Obviously.  Luckily they weren’t such wieners that they didn’t give me two awesome sisters-in-law whom I consider my sisters.  And because Cort is so generous, he bequeathed his sister and brother upon me and they, in turn, picked awesome spouces to add another brother and sister to the group.  So if you’re keeping track at home, that’s four sisters, and four brothers (two of those being wieners. Don’t worry, I can say that, they never read my blog anyway.  Hurumph).

my wiener brothers

O. Oranges or Apples. Apples for eatin’, Oranges for drinkin’.

P. Phobias? I can’t even get started on this. I have anxiety, remember? Life (and consequently Death) are my phobias.

Q. Quotes? “There’s a beverage here, man.” ~The Big Lewbowski also “1.21 gigawatts?” ~Back to the Future.  I am sure I like some that are actually meaningful too, but we say these things a lot around the house.  We also ask each other if we have dry mouth a lot. I blame a terrible commercial for that one.

R. Reasons to smile?  I’m alive and if I open my eyes, there are more things to smile about than frown about. Also foot rubs. Those make me smile every time.
S. Season of choice? You would think I would say summer here, and while I do love to spray my kids with the hose, fall will always be my favorite.

T. Tag 5 People. Cortney, Todd, Phil, Mat, and Erin. They always had the best answers to these…especially Todd.  But only Cort blogs and since I’m pretty sure he hasn’t cracked open his dashboard since last summer, I’m not going to expect any one of the to actually do this.

U. Unknown fact about me? In 12th grade I applied to, was accepted to, and toured Hope College (a small Christian college in my town) with the idea that I would go there and be pre-law. Thank GOODNESS I didn’t pursue that.

V. Vegetable? No, I am not a vegetable, but if I do become one, Cort has my permission to pull the plug.

W. Worst habit? snapping at my loved ones.  I forget sometimes that other people have feelings and the world doesn’t revolve around my frustrations.

X. Xray or Ultrasound? I’ve had both, yes. Do I prefer one? Well, I would rather have an xray than an internal ultrasound, that’s for sure. It’s less…violating. Any procedure that requires a condom is not my favorite.

ultrasound of Eddie

ultrasound of Charlie

Y. Your favorite food? Mexican Food.  Any of it. All the time. Comida Mexicana for the win, yo.

Z. Zodiac sign? Aries.  The Ram. Fire Sign.  Not that I believe in all that hooey, but I am a typical Aries.  Also I have the ram tattooed on my neck since the design I got also means “Woman” in Egyptian Hieroglyphics because it’s shaped like a womb.

So there you go.  Did you learn anything fascinating about me?

Probably not, but it was a fun way to give you some of the most random things you never wanted to know about me.

School ends for the year in May and June bring the start of long days, lazy evenings, and relaxing afternoons.

June is when I begin my annual three-month stint as a stay at home mom.

We begin new routines that are less rigid and stressful.

We start smelling fresh air more often and wearing pants less often.

June is when we can’t be bothered my calendars.

Even though the calendar looks packed, we don’t find ourselves racing through our time together.

We sit back and take it bit by bit. Moment by moment.

June is always full of possibility.

The summer looms before us filled with potential.

For months Eddie and I have lain in bed listing all the things you can do in the summer like go barefoot and play with water without getting cold.

June is when we are both busy and lazy.

Doing all the things co-exists with doing nothing.

June is a lack urgency to use every last drop of summer before it’s over.

We have time.

June is newness.

New flowers, new projects, new possibilities.

The boys are a year older which means there is more we can handle together.

June is a release.

All the months of being everything to everyone else…June is when I am mine…and my boys’.

June is a deep, cleansing breath.

**Also Charlie is 15 months old today. WUT?

***Also Eddie will be four in 10 days. DOUBLE WUT??

It’s also what propels me through a book the fastest because I have to know how messed up they are going to make their life by doing instead of talking things over.

This was my love/hate relationship with The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Keep reading…

The house was unfinished and as we walked around on the sub-floors, I tried to picture furniture we didn’t even have yet in each room.

I tried to imagine how I would fill all the rooms with lovely things that made it feel like a home.

I couldn’t comprehend that this space would ever feel small or cramped.

We were just two, soon-to-be-married, twenty-something kids and this was so much space for just two.

Never did I understand how baby things and toddler toys and little boy treasures would fill it up to bursting.

Some days all I can see are the crowded cupboards and overflowing bins.  I focus only on what takes up space.

But other days, when the light shines in and a cool breeze blows easily through the house and the smell of fresh cut grass wafts up into the house, I am suddenly stopped in my tracks at all this house has done for us in the past eight and a half years.

And I still love the front window the best.

I was mistaken when I thought Eddie was a cuddly child.

He doesn’t really like to cuddle.  He likes closeness.  He doesn’t like to be alone.

As a baby he liked be rocked (every night), but what he wanted was someone there with him, even just sitting in the rocker while he fell asleep in his bed.  At almost four-years-old he is still this way.  After we read books, he just wants one of us to lay by him.  It’s how he feels safe.

I only realized the difference between needing closeness and being a cuddler because of Charlie.

Charlie has never been needy like Eddie.  I don’t mean needy in a bad way, but Eddie does need us–to lay by him, to sit by him, to go downstairs with him, to color with him–more than Charlie does.  Eddie will play by himself…as long as someone is in the room with him.

Charlie does his own thing.  He will play by himself, sit in a totally different room by himself, and when it’s bedtime all I have to say is “nigh nigh?” and he grabs his glow worm under his arm and trucks down to his nursery.  No fuss.  Hugs and kisses and down he goes.

I missed out on a lot of the first year of Eddie’s life.  I was emotionally distant and, after I went back to work when he was 3 months old, physically distant.  I was sick and don’t remember much of his first year.  Charlie’s first year made that even more painfully obvious to me because I just couldn’t remember what Eddie was like at that age.

One thing I know is that while I rocked Eddie to sleep almost every single night, he didn’t really spend all that much time in my arms.  He and I cried together often and fell asleep in a pile in the chair out of sheer exhaustion, but not because we just couldn’t stop cuddling.

Charlie and I were inseparable during his first 6 months. I had 3 months of maternity leave followed by 3 months of summer break.  He slept easily and I wasn’t fiending to put him down. I let myself heal and relax.  And because my anxiety was under control, I was Ok to take him out in public with me.

I wore Charlie wherever we went.  If we weren’t at home with him sleeping next to me or on me, we were out and about with him sleeping in the Moby.

And now?  Eddie needs us to be there and Charlie does not.

Except…

Charlie is our Love Bird.

He gives kisses.  Seriously, they are so sweet I die a little bit.  He leans in and says “mmmmmmmuah!” and lays an open-mouth wet one on your mouth, nose, chin, eye…wherever that sloppy mouth lands.

Eddie never did that.  He is just starting to give us kisses now. I think it’s because Charlie does it.  I’m not kidding.

Charlie gives random hugs.  He will barrel over and just fling his arms around us and then truck off like it ain’t no thang.

Charlie wants to sit on a lap. All the time.  If you are on the floor, your lap is his seat.  He just sort of comes over, turns around, and backs up until his behind is on you.  If you don’t make room for him, he will wiggle around on you until you do.

He will crawl up on the couch or chair and mountain goat his way all over me until he can get himself nuzzled in and then lean back like I’m his recliner.

He will find the one little cranny in Cort’s arms and wiggle his way in and just chill.

He will hold my hand just to hold it.

And he will press his face to my face or his head to my nose…like he knows I love to take in the sweet smell of lavender in his hair.

He will softly repeat “ma ma ma ma” while he lays his face on my shoulder.

Both of my boys are love bugs, but Charlie is our cuddle monster.

It never ceases to amaze me how they can be so similar and so different at the same time both in big and small ways.

Most people would say that both of my boys are cuddlers, but Cort and I know there is a difference ever so slight. While Eddie drifts to sleep to the slow breathing of a parent next to him, Charlie thrives on morning hugs and kisses.  While Eddie feels safe with a parent in the room, Charlie recharges on lap-sitting and Eskimo kisses.

It’s even hard to describe here.

Both of my boys have their hearts on their sleeves: they both love to give and get love from us and from each other.  Their love languages are just a bit different.

Each perfectly theirs.

For some stupid reason I looked at the calendar and actually said to myself,

“Holy crap…the summer’s almost over!”

Because I saw how much was on the calendar.

The summer is NOT almost over.

It’s just beginning…

June 2: The little man helps me water the flowers.

June 3: My first day off, but the boys are still in daycare. Why is it sweater weather…in JUNE?

June 4: Our first day together and they trot off and have their own pow pow.

June 5: This together thing is killing me, smalls.

June 6: Gram Sluiter’s 80′th birthday. There was celebrating.

*June 7: I might love summer. And so do the little guys.

June 8: The fence! After 8.5 years in this house we are FINALLY putting up the fence. Good fences = good neighbors right?

*I actually busted out my DSLR camera for this one. I plan to have it out more often.

Yay summer!