Slydesblog

The Magic, She Is Gone.....

2013-05-23T14:04:00.000-04:00

Last week we passed a sad yet inevitable milestone in the Slyde household...

I was forced to finally tell Mini-Me the truth about Santa.

It broke my heart.

He's been asking questions for a while now, and i'm pretty sure that deep down, he knew the truth already, but i certainly broke my ass every year helping to keep up with the illusion.

He was still All-In on where the Easter bunny and Tooth Fairy were concerned, too.

But last week, Friz had to go and finally ruin it.

Apparently, while i was out, Mini-Me started hammering Friz with questions again, asking if Santa is real, and i guess her resolve is not as strong as mine (or her ability to spew out bullshit), because she finally caved.

Actually, she did WORSE than cave....

She told him to ask ME about it.

So, completely obvlivious, i walked into the house and was instantly greeted with Mini-Me yelling, "Mommy said that you would tell me that Santa isnt real!"

Nice.

Anyway, it honestly was very difficult for me to tell him the truth. Even though i exude pure testosterone out of every fiber of my being, i found myself getting all veklempt while i told him the truth.

In all honesty, i had intended to tell him soon anyway. He'll be entering Junior High in the Fall, and the LAST thing i wanted for him was to walk into that school filled with older kids, talking about a fat man climbing down his chimney. I dont think ANY kid could surive the inevitable amount of bullying that would ensue.

Still.........

In the end, I came clean about where the presents come from, and where the jelly beans and colored eggs come from, and where his teeth go when he puts them under his pillow.

To his credit, he took it well.

Now, the only one left who is all fucked up over it is ME.

Zach Is An Inspiration

2013-05-14T14:14:00.002-04:00

Everyone knows that I'm a big, macho guy, but every once in a while, a story comes along that makes me puddle up on the floor like jello.

You've all seen this kid on the news for the past few days, havent you?

In case you haven't, this is Zach Sobiech. He's a 17 year old kid who has been battling a rare form of bone cancer since he was 14. Last Fall, the doctor's told him he was terminal, and only had months left.

This brave, talented young kid decided to use his talent for music and write a song to say goodbye to his friends and family. He uploaded the song "Clouds" to Youtube, where it went viral.

Now, with literally weeks left, a boatload of stars got together and created a tribute video where they lip-sync Zach's song and thank him for the tune.

It's impossible to not get all veklempt listening to this, but aside from the emotional aspect of the story, the song is just GOOD. It's catchy, and i found myself humming it all weekend. I ended up buying the song since the proceeds are going to his family and the cancer research fund that they set up.

I feel for this poor kid, and i can't stop thinking of what an awesome dude he is to have completed such an undertaking while dealing with the shitty hand he has been dealt. Fuck, i rock myself back and forth on the floor in the fetal position if my DVR cuts off the last minute of Game of Thrones.

Anyway, Here's to you, Zach. May your road ahead give you the peace and serenity that you deserve.

I'll never Look At Robin Williams The Same Way Again

2013-05-09T14:45:00.001-04:00

Just kill me now.

This week, the boys in Mini-Me's class got seperated from the girls for an afternoon so they could attend "Maturity Class".

You might know Maturity Class by its old name, "Sex Education".

I was wondering how my little man was going to handle it.

I shouldn't have bothered wondering, however, because nothing i could have thought up would have been REMOTELY close to what actually happened.

Mini-Me: Daddy, we had Maturity Class today.

Stud: I know. How was it?

Mini-Me: It was funny. We laughed alot.

Stud: What was so funny?

Mini-Me: The teacher drew a picture of a wee-wee!

Stud: A wee-wee?

Mini-Me: Yeah, dad... a penis.

Stud: Yes, im fully aware of the fact that a wee-wee is a penis.

Mini-Me: It was funny. He drew the balls and everything!

Stud: Well, did you learn anything?

Mini-Me: Yeah, i guess. We learned that our voice is going to get deeper soon, and we are gonna start getting hair all over our body.

Stud: Yup, thats right. Did you learn anything else?

Mini-Me: Yeah, one other thing.

Stud: Tell me.

Mini-Me: We learned that sometimes our wee-wee might get hard.

Stud: Oh Fuc... .

Mini-Me: Daddy?

Stud: I mean, YES, thats true.

Mini-Me: The teacher said that it happens when you get excited.

Stud: Yup. Son, it happens to everybody.

Mini-Me: I know.

Stud: Has it ever happened to you?

Mini-Me: Yes.

Stud: Thats ok.

Mini-Me: It happened to me last night while we were watching Flubber.

Stud: Like i said, it's normal..... Wait, What?

Mini-Me: It happened when we watched Flubber.

Stud: I don't know why I just don't stop now, but i need to know.... during what part?

Mini-Me: When the scientist and his girlfriend were trying to stop the bad guy.

Stud: It happened THEN? THEN?

Mini-Me: Yeah, and it makes sense, cause that scene was pretty exciting!

I swear that i could have fainted dead away.

I don't yet have the strength to explain to him that the teacher was talking about a whole DIFFERENT kind of "exciting".

Maybe i never will.

I don't think i have it in me to continue this conversation.

I'm Gonna Make It After All....

2013-05-07T15:46:00.001-04:00

The other day, I spent the day with my niece in Manhattan, and i think I've finally managed to learn something about myself......

I don't think I'm much of a city person anymore.

In my youth, i certainly THOUGHT i was. Growing up on the Queens border, i spent many days and nights in big bad New York City, along with everyone else i knew. It was kind of a badge of honor amongst us to see who was the most knowledgeable of all the city hot spots and goings-on.

Then, when i turned 18, my family moved farther out on Long Island. At the time, i thought my life was over. Seeing all the trees, parks, big front yards, and general greenery made me feel like i should be standing on my front lawn holding a pitchfork next to some old lady. I HATED it, and spent more time travelling back to my old stomping grounds than i did in my new home.

But, as time went on, i gradually started to appreciate the pleasures that a more relaxed way of living had to offer. For one thing, people weren't stabbing each other. I found that to be quite a nice change. Moreover, people seemed generally HAPPIER. Maybe it was the fact that we all weren't living on top of each other in small, boxed homes, but people generally seemed happier to be alive. Plus, as i said, there was that whole concept of less people wanting to stab me.

Anyway, I look back on those times now with astonishment that there was a time in my life where i actually PREFERRED to live that way over the more suburban, pool-in-the-backyard, weekend-orgy-in-the-Hamptons life that i have now. I KNOW that it all made sense to me back then, but for the life of me i can no longer remember WHY.

I guess it all kind of came to a head for me this weekend as i traversed the streets of Manhattan with my niece, who has now become a die hard cosmopolitan. For every time she told me, "This block has any kind of food you can want.. from a Haitian bakery over there, to great Thai place next door, to a superb Greek place across the street!", all I thought about was, "I'd rather just be home sitting in my backyard where i WOULDN'T be seeing this homeless guy pee on my leg."

I dunno. Maybe I've just become lazy in my old age, but at this point in my life I'll take a nice quiet backyard with a hammock to a 24-hour rave hall anyway.

And It Starts Right Now!

2013-05-02T10:58:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm at work right now, and i should actually be, you know, doing WORK, but darn it all to heck (sorry for my language) i felt like making myself chuckle with my favorite past time..... watching news bloopers.

Here's a great one. I'm not sure if its this guy's epic fail, or his super effeminate war-cry are what makes me guffaw every damn time i see this, but guffaw i do.

Make 'Em Laugh

2013-04-30T10:58:00.000-04:00

Let's talk about something that really irritates me....

And no, I'm not talking about sandpaper on my genitals.... The secret THERE is if you rub the paper in a counterclockwise motion, there is hardly ANY residual scarring.

No, I'm talking about people in your life who don't know the first thing about how to be funny, but THINK that they are fucking HYSTERICAL!

Now, maybe i should be a bit more understanding. After all, the gods have granted me the gift of being pee-your-pants funny. All my life, its been my blessing, and my curse. Typically, God only grants the gift of humor to ugly people, to help them compensate for the fact that people are repulsed by them when they walk into a room, but for some reason, God double-dipped with me and not only made me blazingly quick-witted, but devastatingly handsome. It's really not fair to the rest of you. I'm not complaining, mind you, but i cant help thinking that because i was granted a double dose of perfection, some poor slob who was after me in line might have gotten neither humor NOR looks. What a poor, miserable life that person must be living....

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, being funny.

The point being, it drives me absolutely batty when someone who doesn't have ONE funnybone in his body tries to be funny. Badly.

I have an aquaintance who suffers from this affliction and i just want to hit him over the head with a lead pipe every time he spews out one of his lame attempts at levity.

Me: I have to blow off the meeting today.

Him: You do?

Me: Yeah. Yes, I do.

Him: I bet you enjoy that, don't you?

Me: -sigh-

Him: I said i bet you like blowing off the meeting.....

Me: Yeah, i heard you.

Him: You like "Blowing Stuff"!

Me: Yeah, i really do.

Him: I'm talking about blowjobs! Hee hee!

Me: Yeah, i know.

Him: I'm saying that you like giving them.

Me: I GET IT!!!

Shortest. Employement. Ever.

2013-04-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

You guys know how much i adore a good newscaster blooper, right?

Well, North Dakota news anchor A.J. Clemente just made MY Monday a whole lot better!

Clemente, who was just hired by NBC affiliate KFYR-TV in North Dakota was JUST about to be introduced by his new co-anchor on his FIRST day of his job, when he apparently didnt realize that his mike was on, and decided to blurt out what was on his mind...

Unfortunately, for young A.J., what was on his mind was the need to yell "Fucking Shit!".

Thats funny enough, but then his poor co-host, Van, tries to bully through it, and just stumbles all over herself.

Then, not to be outdone, my new best friend A.J. decides to try to get one last sentence out before his career got cut blisteringly short.

He probably should have stopped at "Fucking Shit".

Anyway, as would be expected in our ultra P.C., offend-no-one world, KFYR reported today that Clemente "has been suspended until we resolve the situation. All we can do at this point is ask for your forgiveness."

Forgivness? This dude deserves an Emmy!

Hang Tough, Beantown

2013-04-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

I've lived in New York my whole life. There's a natural rivalry between NY and Boston that's been around a long time, so legally, I am obligated to dislike all things 'Boston'. I think it's in the fine print of my contract.

I CAN say that I DID drive through Boston once. I was never so damn scared in my life. New Yorkers are dangerous drivers, but you Bostonians are CRAZY!

But damn it all if we cant put all that play-rivalry aside for a while and let our hearts go out to the city of Boston for what they went through yesterday. Watching that footage of explosions, and dust flying, and city-goers running for their lives, brought back to me the memory of ANOTHER horrible day, more than a decade ago, where a different city wept. A different city suffered. A different city lost lives. And, in time, a different city was reborn.

Watching the news last night brought back 9/11 for me in a way that i really thought i had gotten past, but i guess i was mistaken.

So, all i can tell you, Bostonians, is to hang in there. In time, things will start to make sense again.

And then, we can go back to hating each other......

The Walking Dead Left Me Lifeless

2013-04-09T12:48:00.000-04:00

Ok, The Walking Dead Season 3 finale aired over a week ago, so i think i can now safely talk about it without spoiling anything for anybody.

Was it just me, or did the finale suck balls?

Now, I've got to come clean with some full disclosure here. I am a Walking Dead fan. Actually, I'm MORE than that..... I'm a walking dead FANATIC. YEARS before the TV show aired, I was one of the few people who would trek to their local comic book store every week to buy The Walking Dead comic. Then I'd run home (with my pants off) and thrill to Rick and the gang's latest escapades.

And THAT'S kind of been a big part of my problem with the show so far. From the beginning, they made the decision to change things up from the book, and make this a completely different story, while mostly using the same characters.

It drives me crazy, mostly because the stories have been told so much better in the comics. And when they kill off people on the show while those characters are STILL alive and kicking in the comic, it pisses me off. Especially when they kill off characters without putting them in some of their better story lines from the comic.

Ok, that's my personal gripe as a comic book fanboy, but that is NOT why i hated the finale.

The finale just sucked.

Let's recap:

The governor FINALLY decides to bring a can of whup-ass to the prison. He brings his army with him, as they bust down the prison fences. Then we got treated to 20 minutes of watching the Governor and his troops tip toe through the prison., doing nothing, until they run into the prison gang who start to shoot at them. Then we watched 5 minutes of gunfire, where NO ONE GETS SHOT BY ANYONE, followed by the Governor and his group high-tailing it back OUT of the prison as fast as their feets can carry them.

Then, the Governor, in a childish hissy fit, decides to gun down HIS ENTIRE ARMY. Then he runs away.

Episode over.

What the Hell?

In the comics, the final fight between Rick and the Governor was a fucking BLOODBATH. Around half the characters in the book got killed off, INCLUDING the governor, Lori.... even their child, for gosh sakes!

Did we need to see that played out on the show? Not necessarily.......

... but we needed..... SOMETHING to happen.

That final episode just left me feeling cheated.

Blogger Roulette

2013-04-04T14:44:00.000-04:00

It might be time for me to play another round of Roulette.

No, not RUSSIAN roulette! I wouldn't dare enrage the women of the world by chancing a blemish on this otherwise perfect face.

Sometimes, as I'm perusing some of the more popular blogs out there, and i see all the gazillions of comments that these blogs generate, i decide to play a game that I've come to call Blogger Roulette.

First, i leave my comment after reading the latest post. THEN, i quickly scroll thru the comments that others have left and find one that i find interesting. Let it be known that i most definitely choose a commenter who had something witty to say, and NOT because i thought their little thumbnail avatar picture was hot. Certainly not!

Anyway, HOW i choose a commenter is neither here nor there. The point is that I then go to THAT person's blog and read their latest post. If i like what i read, then i will comment on THAT blog. After doing so, i then troll through THEIR latest commenters and rinse and repeat. You get the idea.

I'll keep going through this routine until either:

A) I choose a commenter who doesn't have a blog, or they haven't posted anything new in ages
B) The last blog i come across has no interesting (or hot) commenters
C) I find a blog where the person is just bat-shit crazy, and they quite frankly scare the shit out of me

You would be fucking AMAZED at how many times I've lost at Blogger Roulette because of Option C. One second, I'm reading some mommy blog about how proud some chick in Montana is about her latest quilt, and the next thing i know I'm at some blog reading homo-erotic Harry Potter fan fiction.

It's kind of a game that i play with myself (playing with myself! Ha HA!) to pass away the time when I'm trying to look busy at work without actually working. Most times, i end up visiting no more than 4-5 blogs before i hit one of my end-conditions, but i have had some good runs over the years where I've visited 20-something blogs before i hit my brick wall.

The neat part is, sometimes those people who I've visited end up coming here, stalking me back. In fact, I've found some of the people who will read THIS POST that very same way. Most times, those people will leave a quick comment and then i never hear from them again.

But sometimes, just sometimes, it ends up being the beginning of a beautiful, long-lasting cyber-relationship.

Which is kinda nice, since most of my previous cyber-relationships ended with some used Kleenex and an hour of personal loathing.

This Is The End!

2013-04-02T13:00:00.001-04:00

Calm down, ladies.... I'm not going anywhere. That would be an incredinbly cruel disservice to the gaggle of young chippies out there who read my blog every night in their sexy nightgowns while having dirty thoughts about me.

Plus, as incredible as it might seem, i've still got TONS of stupid shit to talk about.

So no, I'm not quitting the blogosphere.

I merely wanted to show you guys the new red-band trailer for THIS IS THE END.

Have you heard about this one? The movie stars half the young actors in Hollywood. And they all play themselves. The movie is about a big party that James Franco decides to throw at his house in L.A., when the shit hits the fan and the end of the world hits.

Is it going to be funny? Gosh, with the cast they have, i sure as shit hope so. The trailer made me laugh, anyway. But then again, you KNOW that they always put the funniest shit in the trailers, so maybe i just saved you all $10 and the price of a large bag of Twizzlers.

Anyway, check it out. Caution: This is the Red-Band trailer, so there's plenty of naughty talk. If you're at work and you decide to blast this at top volume through your office, it's a safe bet you'll be able to sleep in tomorrow.

Unlike!

2013-03-28T14:04:00.000-04:00

Hey, I'm hip with what's going on with the young kids today, aren't i?

Sure, i am!

Oh, definitely! I'm all about the I-pods and the hipop and the Spongebob Squarepants... all that relevant stuff!

So, I felt it was high time that i took this ol' blog here up to the next level, and began to interface with this new fangled phenomenon called "The Internet".

Yeah, I'm not sure what it is, either. But apparently, Its a way for young kids today to look at porn, which sounds useful.

It's also a way that the kids today can meet up on something called a "social networking site". Ever the persistent investigator, i did even MORE research and found out that the most popular networking site is something called "Facebook".

I know.... I've never heard of it, either. But from what I'm understanding of it so far, this Facebook thingie is a place where you can see how ugly your girlfriends from high school have become. It's also a way that you can promote things going on in your life.

Anyway, i had 5 minutes to spare the other day, so i thought I'd step into the modern age and make a SLYDESBLOG page on Facebook.

So now, you can all go log on NOW and "LIKE" me and stuff. I'm not sure what that does for me, but apparently the more likes i get, the more my life has meaning, so I'm all for people to like it in bunches.

I haven't really done anything there yet, but maybe I'll start linking my posts HERE over THERE, and maybe, just MAYBE, if i get enough people following me over there, i can even put up some pictures now and then of me in my banana thong.

If THAT'S not enough of an incentive to get you folks over there, then I don't know WHAT is!

I Hear Those Sleigh-Bells Jingling....

2013-03-26T13:43:00.000-04:00

So, even though it is now officially Spring, Mother Nature continues to tease the East Coast by not getting herself all warmed up and bringing on the nice weather.

In fact, we've still has small sprinklings of snow just about every week. We were SUPPOSED to get a snowstorm YESTERDAY, for Jumping Jupiter's sake!

Thankfully, the reported snowstorm yesterday turned out to be no more than rain all day. Don't get me wrong..... rain sucks. Every time i let the dog out to do his business when it's raining, i am treated to the equivilent of a wet, dirty sponge running through the house when he comes back in. Not fun at all. BUUUUT, better THAT than more snow.

Anyway, over the weekend, when we heard of the possible storm, Mini-Me ran up to me with excitment in his eyes, proclaiming "Daddy! This is awesome! Maybe we can go sledding tomorrow!"

And i agree, that WOULD indeed be awesome, if it wasn't for ONE niggling detail which has dawned upon me over the last few years....

I fucking HATE sledding.

Seriously, i can't fucking stand it.

Yeah, the IDEA of sledding sounds GREAT on paper...... sliding down a hill at breakneck speeds on a hill of soft cotton sure SOUNDS swell!

The problem is, the reality never seems to match the expectation.

I took Mini-Me sledding a month ago, after our last Blizzard. Here's the recap:

First, I had to bundle both he and myself up with enough layers on to look like the Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man. By the time i get his gloves and boots on (a Herculean task, let me assure you), I've already had about as much fun as i'm going to be having for the day.

Then, we hustle ourselves to the nearest hill. Long Island is not KNOWN for their hills. Everybody and their grandma always tells me "I've got the best hill for sledding!", but their grandma can go eat me. Like Charley Brown running to kick the football, I haul my ass out to where they tell me to go, only to find yet another shitty little hill that has so many little bastards traipsing up and down it that by the time we get there it's more mud than snow.

But, since i want to hold on to my Daddy of the Year trophy, we always soldier on.

By the time we climb the hill, Mini-Me is huffing and puffing. I'm in perfect shape so I'm good, but i can see how others less sculpted as myself might get winded. I sit Mini-Me on his sled, give him a shove, and about one thousandths of a second later, he's at the bottom looking up at me with a "What the fuck? That's it?" face.

Then, i have to walk like Bigfoot in one of those old home movies from the 70's, back DOWN the damn mountain because my precious cherub can't manage walking back up on his own while holding on to the sled.

Then I half-drag him back UP the mountain to repeat the process.

It usually takes about four trips up and down the mountain before the two of us look at each other and say simultaneously, "Are we done here?"

Then we hoof it back to the car, and when i get home i throw the sled back in the shed, vowing to never bother to do this again.

Until the next year, that is, when without fail I will hear the call of ""Daddy! This is awesome! Maybe we can go sledding tomorrow!"

Global Warming can't come fast enough......

Free At Last!! Free At Last!!

2013-03-21T11:59:00.000-04:00

It seems that sometimes, just sometimes, being a persistent, bull-headed Sicilian pays off.

I FINALLY got my domain hosting company to admit that they are complete fuck-ups and that the problem people have been having getting to this site was on THEIR end.

Holy Shit that was exhausting! Sitting in their live support chat room every other day, calling the SAME techie-chick incompetent FINALLY got me some results.

Under NORMAL conditions, women just have to LOOK at me for me to get what i want, but since she REPEATEDLY refused to naked-webcam-chat with me, she naturally couldn't see me, so it made seducing her into doing what i wanted that much harder. You might not have realized this, but I'm not much of a smooth talker. I typically rely on my looks to get me what i want.

Anyway, after up-and-down swearing to me that the problem wasn't on their end (and quite snootily, i might add), i was finally able to show them a website that reports how a site is seen from different parts of the world. For about 60% of the known universe, my site was coming up as "Unknown Host". That FINALLY got this bitch to escalate my issue to her engineers.

Cut to 24 hours later, when she emails me this:

"According to the engineers, "The issue was that a Google record was created on our end that made our DNS resolver believe it was the authority for Google. Long story short, we have blacklisted the capability of adding DNS records for Google.""

Now, she pretty much lost me right after the word 'According', but I'm pretty sure i understood her COMPLETELY before that. Anything AFTER that, my mind just translated to "Blah blah gigabytes blah blah nerd blah blah never been laid blah blah".

But, all that is neither here nor there, since Slydesblog now once again seems to be viewable by the entire known world.

Which was just in the nick of time... It was quite cruel of the Internet to deprive the world of me for so long.....

I Believe I've Come Down With A Case Of The Vapors!

2013-03-19T13:45:00.000-04:00

I have a bit of a confession to make.

This is going to be a hard one to get through, but i do believe that my process of personal healing will only begin when i finally get this off my chest.

Ready for it? Ok, here goes....

I have been watching Downton Abbey.

Ok, I might as well go the Full Monty here and give you full disclosure....

I haven't just been WATCHING Downton Abbey.....

I've been fucking LOVING IT!

I know, right?

If you would have told me 2 months ago that i would actually submit myself to watching a show about some early fansy-shmantsy turn-of-the-20th-century snooty English family living in their high-falootin' estate, i would have called you a crazy person.

But, Dammit all to Heck, this show a hoot.

After hearing all the hubbub that this show has been generating, last month i submitted myself to watch the first episode on Netflix, just to finally quell my curiosity more than anything. After hearing what the show was about, i couldnt see myself giving it more than a few minutes of my time.

And what a confusing first episode it was! There were more characters introduced in the first hour that i could count (and i can count past TEN!), and they all spoke with that funny accent that all you people across the Atlantic seem to like to do. It was all so VERY confusing.

I ended up watching the entire episode, but i felt that i had given it a fair chance, and didnt really plan to go back to it.

Then, for SOME reason that i cant put a finger on, a week later i decided to finally sit down and watch another one.

Then another. And another. And holy shit suddenly it was 2A.M. and i just HAD to stay up for one more episode! Lady Edith was just jilted at the altar! Mary and Matthew were having marital trouble! Sybil was in love with the Chauffer! I just HAD to know what the hell was going to happen next!

In all seriousness, i cannot believe that i just finished watching all three seasons. The show is SOOOOOOO outside of my wheelhouse that its laughable. I mean, I dont think i spotted even ONE zombie or terminator in ANY of these damn episodes!

I mean, i watched an entire episode that centered around Lady Violet's attempt at trying to win the county's annual Rose Blooming contest......

.... and i loved every fucking second of it!

Really, this is a great show. The writing is great, but its the characters themselves that keep you hooked. I honestly havent watched a show with characters so interesting since LOST when off the air, and if you've been around here awhile you KNOW how big of a boner i had for THAT show....

Anyway, i just had to share my guilty secret with you all.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I need to adjourn to the drawing room for some tea and crumpets. Might you care to join me? I just heard the most SCANDALOUS gossip! Apparently, Lady Yorkshore just showed her ankle to the chimneysweep!

Egads!

A Cure For Bursitis

2013-03-15T08:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'll be honest. Work has been kicking my ass, and i STILL haven't fixed this damn problem with the blog.

The company i use to host my domain swears on a stack of Windows CD's that the problem is on google's set up. Google tech support is ready to testify in front of the Galactic Council that the problem ABSOLUTELY is on the domain carrier's end.

Meanwhile, i spent most of yesterday not able to get into my own fucking site from here at work.

The whole thing is really starting to piss me off. I mean, i don't mind if i don't have a lot of readers, but at least I'D like to be one of them!

Anyway, until this gets resolved, i find it very hard to get my lazy ass to post shit.

But whatever. Check out the clip below. I was never really a fan of the show Jackass, but damn i think this is the funniest thing they ever did. This clip is like 10 years old now and it still makes me chuckle.

Whenever i do something stupid in front of my friends, and they ask me "Why did you just do that?", to this day i still yell out "I've got Bursitis!"

Makes ME laugh, anyway....

The Secret

2013-03-07T14:40:00.002-05:00

I'm not a big believer in keeping secrets. I just think that, more often than not, they come back to bite you on the ass.

So, i try to be fairly open about things. Like the way i keep telling all of you that i'm hung like a horse. I could keep that shit to myself, but i just wouldn't feel right about it. Much better to get it out there and admit it to you all.

What was i talking about again?

Oh yeah, secrets.

Like i was saying, i don't like them. If not for anything else, if you ever DO get busted, you tend to look like an ass.

Case in point:

The following conversation happened to me last week:

Friz: I have to tell you something.

Stud: OK, shoot.

Friz: But if i tell you, you have to PROMISE ME you won't say anything about it.

Stud: OK.

Friz: I mean it! The person SWORE me to secrecy, and if she finds out i told you, she'll kill me.

Stud: Ok, OK, already.... spill it.

Friz: Wilma just told me that Fred's company lost their biggest contract and he might have to be looking for a new job soon.

You see what i did there? Gosh, i'm a crafty little minx. You might not have caught it, but 'Wilma' and 'Fred' aren't the REAL names of the people i'm talking about. I made them up, you see. In Actuality, Fred and Wilma are the names of two characters from a very old and obscure televsion show called The Flinstones! Holy shit, am i one sly motherfucker or what?

Anyway...

This was of course terrible news for our good friends Fred and Wilma, and i vowed to not let on that i knew anything about it.

Cut to this weekend, when we met up with a bunch of our friends at a local bar. Fred and Wilma were there.

Fred: So, i might have to look for a new job soon.

Stud: Really? What's going on?

Fred: My company lost their big contractor. We won't have any business coming in soon.

Stud: Really? Shit, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that.

I must say, i was very convincing when i feigned ignorance. Generally, i'm a masterful bulshitter. How else do you think i've gotten thousands of chicks to sleep with me?

Anyway, at the end of the night, as we were driving home, the following conversation took place:

Stud: So, Fred told me about the whole job thing.

Friz: Oh, good.

Stud: You would have been proud of me.

Friz: Oh yeah? Why?

Stud: Because i acted completely surprised.

Friz: What?

Stud: I pretended to be clueless, like you asked me to. I think i really sold it.

Friz: Why the hell would you do that?

Stud: Why? Because you asked me to pretend like i didn't know.

Friz: Oh THAT! I ended up telling Wilma i told you. She told Fred, so they both knew that you knew.

Stud: What? Why the fuck would you do that?

Friz: I don't know. We were just talking the other day and it came out. No big deal. They didnt mind.

Stud: No big deal? I just acted like a complete asshat in front of someone who fucking KNEW i was faking!

Friz: Oh, now you're overracting.

Stud: Overreacting? You just completely sold me down the river!

Friz: Stop being a baby.

So, in the end, because i tried to do the right thing, a fucking SECRET once again made me look like a complete tool.

That is it! I am NEVER EVER keeping a secret again!

By the way, have i mentioned that i have a big weenie?

I'd Rather Kiss A Wookie!

2013-02-28T14:14:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned before about how one of my favorite things to do on the interwebs (besides porn) is reading news stories, usually from Yahoo, and then read the user comments below. The people's comments are always best part of the story.... there are some damn funny sons-of-bitches out there.

But, there are also some sickos out there. Real nuts who i think should be put down before they do any more damage to the gene pool.

What i'm getting at is, one minute i'm laughing my ass off while reading a story about a huge fire in a factory in China, where one commenter posted "Chinese fire drill! I mean it this time!".......

... and after the next story i feel like i need to take a shower.

Earlier, I was reading about Carrie Fisher and the fact that she is apparently Bi Polar and during a cruise last week where she was a featured entertainer, she apparently had an episode where she forgot all the words to her songs and cleaned up dog shit on the stage with a napkin and then crammed the napkin inside a couch.

I figured that i'd no doubt get a chuckle out of many of the 'concerned' people commenting, but then i came across this post:

"Question: there was this girl in my apt that would get extremely "horney" and i would kinda take advantage of her until i realized that she would forget the next day. I never forced myself on her at any time but now reading these posts makes me realize that possibly i was kinda raping her ???? I dont want to get into trouble or nothing and we havent done it in about a month and she never complained to me or even remembers it. So can i get into trouble. I live here in boston and they really are crackin down on the so called date rape thing. I could always say we were drunk and did some drugs whitchis true but i think unless she complains now that she is seeing a therapist for het bye polor disease and he is asking alot of questions about whos she been with. So the question is that if she is going thru a bye polor thing and gets horney and i hit it is that rape if she doesnt remember ?????? Thank you t. Klowskie"

That's gotta me some guy's attempt at a joke, right? Can that be for realz?

Well, Mr. Klowskie, thank you for lessoning my hope for humanity by another notch. Well done, sir!

Potty Mouth

2013-02-27T09:27:00.000-05:00

So, i TRIED to post yesterday, but of course whatever the hell problem has been happening with my domain provider was going strong yesterday, because this is the first time i can actually get to the site from here at work.

Anyway....

------------------------------

I'm all for teaching girls how to go to the bathroom. After all, without that knowledge, the world would be a messy place.

But wasn't there a way in the 1990's for little girls to learn besides THIS?

p.s. Does anyone else want to crack that thing open just to see what that stuff tastes like, or is it just me?

Wierdest. Date. Ever.

2013-02-21T15:34:00.000-05:00

I was hanging out with some friends the other day, and we got to talking about the wildest dates we ever went on.

Because i am incredibly popular with the ladies, i had to confess that i have a good gaggle of odd dating stories hidden up in my beautiful head.

But as we were talking, the story I'm about to relate was the first one that i thought of. If pressed, i certainly could think of weirder girls i went out with (some MUCH weirder... like 'restraining order' weirder), but when just considering the 'date' part of the date, this one, for me, takes the cake.

The date was June 28, 1997. You might think it odd that i remember the exact date, but you'll soon see why it would be a date i can easily remember.

'Debbie' was a new girl who started working at my job. She naturally checked me out at our company picnic that summer, and after asking around about me, a mutual friend set us up to go out that weekend. Debbie seemed nice, was really cute, and had a body that wouldn't quit. That's much more than i usually require in a girl, so of course i agreed.

We agreed to go out that Saturday. It was supposed to be really hot out that Summer day, so she surprised me and said that she wanted us to spend the day at Splish Splash, a local Long Island water park. It was a chance to check out this girl in a bikini, so of course i agreed.

When i got to her house, she surprised me by telling me that we had to first go to the train station to pick up 2 of her friends, another couple who would be joining us that were coming out from New York City. When we picked them up, the guy looked like a scraggly biker dude, and the chick was a statuesque American Indian... she was gorgeous.

Anyway, they seemed nice enough, so off to Splish Splash we went. We spent the entire day there, and we all seemed to get along really well. About 5 o'clock we headed home. When we reached her apartment, Debbie said that she was having a great time and that we should all go out to dinner at an Italian restaurant nearby. So, i quickly drove home (she lived 10 minutes from me), showered, got dressed, and met them back at her place.

Dinner, like the trip to the water park, went great. Near the end of the dinner, Debbie asked me:

"Do you like Styx?"

"You mean, the stuff on trees? Sure, they're awesome!"

"No, the band, silly. I have tickets for Styx and Pat Benetar playing at Radio City Music Hall and I'd like to take you."

"Sure, that would be great! When is the concert?"

"In 2 hours"

"Say what now?"

"It starts at 8pm. Lets get to the train fast and head to Manhattan."

So, we raced to the train station, and managed to hoof it to midtown and made it to Radio City right in the middle of Pat Benetar's first song. It was an awesome concert, and i was glad we went.

After the show, the other couple told us about a party they were invited to somewhere in the Village to watch the Tyson Hollyfield boxing match. They invited us to go, so we tagged along.

When we got the apartment, there had to be about 40-50 people in the loft, and everyone just seemed very weird to me. Not just 'NYC-Weird', either.... they were 'Weird-Weird'. My first tip off was that when we got there, the fight hadn't started yet, and the big screen TV there was blasting 70 inches of gay porn.

Gay Porn! And everyone was just standing around it watching it like it was CNN!

Anyway, the fight thankfully started and we got to turn the channel from 2 guys blowing each other, to 2 guys beating the shit out of each other.

At least, until Tyson did the unspeakable and bit Hollyfield's ear off, forever making boxing history.

After the abrupt ending of the fight, the party kinda broke up, so we headed to a local bar and played pool till the wee hours of the morning, still with this other couple in tow.

At about 3A.M., they announced that they were headed home, and since it was so late and getting a train back to Long Island would be difficult, they asked us to crash at their apartment nearby.

So, we got to their loft, and they offered us a bed, right next to their bed. I was getting an odd vibe from the whole thing, but i figured now was not the time to question anything. We got into our bed, and they got into theirs. Within 10 minutes, these two people start banging like bunnies right in front of me.

Lets just say that after that, it got weird.

Anyway.....

I woke up the next morning, to find Debbie still asleep and the other couple nowhere to be found. There was a note on the kitchen table that said, "Had to leave early. Help yourself to breakfast and leave the key with the doorman."

So, i made us some pancakes, and while we ate breakfast, i finally asked Debbie how she knew this other couple that was trusting us with their home.

"Them? I really don't know them at all. I met them last week at a concert near Woodstock."

"Wait, what? You don't know them? I thought they were lifelong friends!"

"Nope. I honestly don't even remember their names."

After picking my jaw up off the floor, we quietly finished our breakfasts, and headed home. My trip to the water park turned out to be a 35 hour date.

I dated Debbie for about 6 months, and while we had many zany, seat-of-your-pants adventures, nothing ever again could top that crazy, CRAZY first date.

It was a damn fun 6 months, to be sure.

So, how about you, folks? What was your wackiest date?

Go, Joe!

2013-02-15T15:33:00.000-05:00

I've talked before about how i was a little tyke during the 70's.

Being a kid around that time, of course i had a G.I. Joe doll.

And I'm not talking about one of those lame-ass NEW G.I.Joe's, either. NOWADAYS, there is no "G.I. Joe". Rather, G.I. Joe is the name of some super team of asshats who go around fighting some OTHER team of asshats called COBRA.

No, i'm talking about the REAL, ORIGINAL G.I. Joe.

They made SO many versions of Joe back in the day. You weren't cool unless you had more than one.

I had an original G.I. Joe.

I had the famous Joe with "Kung-Fu Grip"

I had a Joe that you could press a button on his back and he would make a karate chop.

But i NEVER....

Ever......

Never.....

Never did i have a G.I. Joe that had real pubic hair on its head.

Hello, Is There Anybody Out There?

2013-02-12T11:53:00.000-05:00

No, this is most definitely NOT a post about Pink Floyd, despite the title and banner pic.

That was just my incredibly adept attempt to amuse you, since the rest of this post is boring as shit.

Specifically, has anyone been having trouble getting to this site lately?

A few years back, either my hosting company, or Blogger (or Hell, maybe it was both! Conspiracy, baby!) decided to screw with my DNS and, based on where you were in the world, some people were unable to get to my site. After countless phone calls and denials on their parts, after about a month, everything magically started working again.

Well, the interwebs might once again be fucking with me, because i think it may be happening again.

For the past 2 weeks, sometimes i again get a DNS error trying to get to Slydesblog. It seems to happen for an hour or so each day, and then magically clears itself up.

I had thought it was just my company's access to the Internet that was causing the trouble, since they block EVERYTHING here and i generally cant see Jack Shit from work.

But then last week i received a note from someone saying that they too were having trouble accessing my site.

So now, my friends, my dander is up.

I just need to know if anyone else is having any issues, or is this merely the case of TWO people who work for companies with shitty Internet access?

So, if you cant get to my site, then you cant be reading this, can you? In which case, I'm talking to myself. That CAN'T be good for my ego, or fragile mental state.

But, if you are reading this through your feed reader but can't actually get here to comment, can you please do me a solid and send me a quick email at apedone (at) optonline (dot) net?

As a way of thanks, i promise to fully service each one of you who helps me troubleshoot.

And before you ask, yes, that includes anal.

Muy Caliente!

2013-02-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

One of the unfortunate side effects of being a hot blooded Sicilian is that i love spicy food.

I mean REALLY spicy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to put hot sauce on my meals. The hotter, the better. In the past year or so, I've kinda taken my obsession to the next level, buying all sorts of exotic sauces that each promise "XXX Hot Flavor!"

I've also gotten more liberal with the foods i pour it on. In the beginning, i would reserve my hot sauce collection for nights when we ate taco's, or chili... that sort of stuff.

But, as time as marched on, I've begun experimenting. No, not THAT kind of experimenting... i got THAT out of my system by my Junior year of college.

I'm talking about experimenting with pouring my hot sauce on other culinary treats. At first, I'd put it on steak, or burgers. Then, i started putting it on my mash potatoes, or stuffing. It's now gotten to the point where, before i eat anything, i at least CONSIDER the idea of how gross it might be to put hot sauce on it.

Now, you might think that this fetish of mine is no big deal, but it is in fact causing me a huge problem.

The problem, you see, is with Friz.

Friz, is an awesome cook. I have to give it to the gal. But, where the kitchen is concerned, she has one fatal flaw.... she is SUCH a perfectionist in the kitchen, that she considers it an insult to her cooking when i put hot sauce on things that she thinks should be "Hot Sauce Free".

At first, it was funny to watch her get all pissed off when i dabbed some hot sauce on her pork chops, but as time has gone on and I've gotten more and more adventurous with where i spew my sauce, she has been getting genuinely pissed off at me. It's been making meal time especially stressful.

I wanted to paint you all an accurate portrait of what's been going on in the Slyde household at dinnertime, so i hired a professional sketch artist to observe us at dinner and draw an exact portrayal of one of our typical dinners.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the blogosphere, i present to you now that completely realistic portrait:

As you can see, the artist captured PERFECTLY how happy it makes me to put hot sauce on my meal. You can also see the nasty stink-eye that Friz is giving me for "ruining" her meal.

So, what say you, peeps?

Should i continue to enjoy my meals as i see fit, or should i bite the bullet and enjoy my meal a little less just to make the poor gal happy?

P.S. I'm not sure if you can glean it from the photo above, but i have an incredibly large dong.....

Secrets Are Scary

2013-02-05T15:09:00.001-05:00

Even though i was around for the 70's, i was a wee little tyke, so maybe i missed a key trend from that era.

I KNOW that we dealt with Watergate, and Vietnam.

I KNOW that it was the tail end of free-love and hippy power and the Age of Aquarius, and all that....

But what i DON'T remember is that apparently the 70's were a time when toy makers thought it might be fun to scare the LIVING SHIT out of kids!

That's the only answer i can think of that makes sense for the creation of the Baby Secret doll.

I mean, i am now a grown-ass man and this doll scares the crap outta me! There is NO FUCKING WAY that some 70's ad man checked out this commercial and said "Yeah, this is good! Kids all over the world will feel happy and safe having this little fucker in their homes!"

I think tonight i'll be sleeping with my nightlight on.....

Girls Get Me

2013-01-31T13:45:00.002-05:00

Don't you just hate it when you go to your favorite blog and they just put up a lazy post of a music video?

Yeah, me too!

Well, you might as well just move along then....

Remember back over the summer when i told you about one of my new favorite shows, Girls?

Well, the gang recently came back for season 2 and last week they had this REALLY funny episode where Hannah and her gay roommate did coke and went clubbing high out of their minds. They ended up at a club that was playing the song below, and it's been fucking playing INCESSANTLY through my head ever since.

I've never heard of the band Icona Pop. A REPUTABLE blog would have taken the time to look them up, at least on Wikipedia or something, to tell you an interesting tidbit about them right about here....

But you all have access to the internet, don't you? Of course you do, sillyheads! I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be reading this right now if you didn't, so if you are so inclined, go look 'em up yourself!

Do i have to do EVERYTHING for you? I swear, i keep a nice house, have a nice dinner waiting for when you come home, and I even dress in that little french maid outfit you asked me to wear for you. Can't you get off your ass for 10 minutes and help me out around the house for a change? That's it! I'm not putting out anymore until you acknowledge that this relationship is a partnership, dammit!

Now you made me upset. I think it best if i stayed with my mother for a while until you think about what you want out of this relationship.