Slydesblog

Urinal Etiquette

2010-03-09T13:44:00.003-05:00

So, I’m sitting here at work a short while ago, when suddenly I felt the need to go make pee-pee.

Anyway, off to the Men’s room I went.

Upon entering the bathroom, what did I spy with my little eye, but yet another dude already in there who just did NOT understand the “RULES OF THE GUY’S BATHROOM”!

You chicks may not know this, but there are a whole SLEW of rules, passed down through the ages, of what protocols guys are supposed to follow in the Men’s room.

Much like a dog inherently knowing how to swim, or a bat knowing how to hang upside down (or whatever the fuck else bats do), a “normal” dude just KNOWS how to act in the bathroom.

The guy I just shared my latest “bathroom experience” with obviously marches to the beat of his own drum.

For starters, there are 3 urinals in our bathroom here at work, and this guy was peeing IN THE CENTER URINAL!

You never EVER never EVER pee in the center urinal unless it’s the only one unoccupied, and even then it’s a judgment call.

On the contrary, when you walk into a bathroom with multiple urinals all in a row, you are supposed to pick one all the way on either end.

Why, you might ask?

Obviously so when I walk into the bathroom a second later, I can now pick the urinal on the OPPOSITE end from you, ensuring that there is zero chance of any homo-erotic hyjinx breaking out. That way, our wee-wee’s are as far apart as humanly possible.

But now, with this ass-hat taking care of business in the MIDDLE urinal, he forced my hand.

I HAD to take one of the urinals next to him.

So, there I was, hosing down the urinal while trying to remember the phone number to the National Urinal Tinkle Society (N.U.T.S.) so I can have this guy’s membership card revoked, when I saw him break RULE # 2!!!!

He turned his head and LOOKED AT ME!

YOU NEVER LOOK AT THE GUY NEXT TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE PEEING.

Never. Not ever. Not even if you think his hair might be on fire. You just don’t.

Staring straight ahead at the tiles and graffiti is standard protocol. Some prefer to stare into the urinal. Some rebels prefer to look up at the ceiling. All of these are acceptable.

However, looking at ME while we both have our Willies out is certainly NOT acceptable.

Anyway, I finished up as soon as I could, and high-tailed it out of there.

All in all, it was a truly harrowing experience.

I might require grief counseling.

I’m No Michael Phelps

2010-03-05T11:02:00.005-05:00

For starters, I’m much better looking.

But while I far surpass him in the looks department, Phelps would admittedly edge me out with his knowledge of pools.

Case in point:

Since the weather has warmed up this week, most of the snow we have suffered these past few weeks has melted.

The other day, noticing that there was an assload of water on the cover of my pool, I thought it was high time for me to turn the water pump on to get some of it off my cover before it rips from the weight.

The only problem is, having an above-ground pool, gravity eventually takes over and the damn hose, over time, always slowly slides out of the pool. Then I come outside the next day to find the hose on the floor, and none of the water has yet to be siphoned.

Luckily for me, I’m as smart as I am hot. So I came up with an INGENIOUS plan to keep the hose from sliding out of the pool.

I put a brick on it.

It was FOOLPROOF. The brick would keep the hose from sliding, and the water would be pumped off my cover.

I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddlesome kids!

Wait, what?

Sorry, I accidently channeled Scooby Doo. I’m back now.

Anyway, the ONE thing that my genius intellect didn’t account for, was the wind.

Apparently, during the night, the wind (or a squirrel, or rat, or camel, or a Mexican, or SOMETHING) blew the brick into the pool, onto the cover.

With the weight of the brick pushing the cover ever lower into the pool, my trusty little pump kept pumping…

And pumping, and pumping, and pumping.

Cut to the next day, when I cheerily went outside to check on how my pump was doing…..

…Only to find out that my pump had gone above and beyond the fucking call of duty, apparently.

So, now my pool has about 15 inches of water in it, my backyard looks like i should have a fucking Gondola floating across it, and I’m none too happy about the whole mess.

I realize that many of you aren’t anywhere NEAR as smart as me, and might have had trouble visualizing the sequence of events as I described it.

In light of this, I decided to help any of you who couldn’t visualize this whole mess with a handy diagram.

While it’s a very technical diagram, I hope you can read through the scientific jargon and begin to understand the sequence of events that led to my current situation.

Does it all make sense now? Hopefully, that didn’t go over your heads and did the trick.

And yes ladies, that self-portrait is 100 percent anatomically correct.

You know what drives me crazy?

2010-03-02T13:10:00.003-05:00

Of course you don’t… I haven’t told you yet.

Well here it comes…..

Will you fellow bloggers out there, please, PLEASE, for the love of all that’s Holy STOP HAVING MUSIC PLAY WHEN I GO TO YOUR SITE?

Don’t you realize that I, like 90 percent of the rest of you, do our blog reading DURING WORK HOURS?

Nothing puts a good buzzkill on my lazy, leisurely afternoon of catching up on your blogs when I SHOULD be working, than when I click on a site and suddenly hear MY HUMPS blasting over my pc speakers.

Seriously, everyone within earshot hears it. And if by chance it happens as the boss is walking by, I am basically down to three options:

1) Admit that I was fucking around on company time.
2) Pretend that listening to Gloria Gainer’s "I Will Survive" really revs me up and motivates me to finish those quarterly TPS reports!
3) Before he can ask me about it, take the offensive and stab him in the heart with my “#1 Dad” pen.

Those are three pretty shitty options. One of them will get me fired, another will make me look like a tool, and the last one gets me 10-20 at Ryker’s Island.

If pressed, I’d probably have to be forced to go with option 3. I NEED my job, and while killing my boss would undoubtably get me banned from the company Christmas party, I’d be given a clean slate after I got out of prison in 20 years, but if I admitted to listening to some of the ridiculously effeminate crap some of you guys have playing on your sites, I’d NEVER be able to live that shit down.

Cashiers Are Idiots

2010-02-26T12:20:00.003-05:00

One of the greatest things about being such a good looking man is that other people do things for me. Things that I don’t want to do.

Things like going grocery shopping.

Seriously, I can’t stand that shit. I hate every part of it: The slow shamble down the aisles, one after the other like a Lemming. The creaky shopping carts with one busted wheel defiantly rolling the wrong way. The old lady in front of me at the checkout who decides at the last minute she wants to pay by check, or Japanese Yen, or Moon rocks or some similar shit. The whole ordeal just grates on me.

So, like I said, I don’t shop for myself. I sit home and people shop for me. I highly recommend this.

In fact, if it wasn’t for my cat, I would never set one foot in a supermarket, ever.

You see, unfortunately for me, Friz has drawn the line on buying cat food. She is more than happy to take care of all the grocery-buying for House Slyde, but, as she puts it, “That damn cat is your responsibility. You found him, so you can feed him.”

So, what is a stud like myself, who hates supermarkets, to do?

I’ll tell ya what. Every two months, I go to the supermarket late at night (when its less crowded), and I buy a huge bag of kitty litter, and SIXTY cans of Fancy Feast cat food. Yeah, I said sixty. Then I haul ass to the checkout aisle, pay (in cash!), and high-tail it home, where I don’t have to think about making another supermarket trip for another 2 months.

I’ve been doing this for about 15 years now. EVERY 2 months like clockwork, I make ONE lightning-quick kamikaze run to the supermarket.

For such a quick trip, you might think that I couldn’t POSSIBLY get TOO annoyed by the experience, but you’d be dead fucking wrong.

How could such a seemingly innocuous trip still get my goat?

Well, there’s TWO reasons.

1) Without fail, the ancient old mummy behind the checkout will look at my mountain of cat food on the conveyor belt and inevitably warble out:

“Wow, that’s A LOT of cat food! How many cats do you have?”

Then I feel obligated to explain that no, I only have ONE cat, but I just don’t get to the supermarket too often, yadda yadda yadda. Then two minutes of aimless small talk ensues.

It was cute, oh, the first FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES it happened, but call me fickle, after that it started to get a tad old. As soon as I hear the old bat say “Wow..”, I just want to reach over the conveyer belt and punch her right in the bifocals before she can continue. One day, I will snap over it. Really.

2) Like I said, I buy 60 identical cans of the same food. That’s a lot of cans. So, to make things easier for the Good-Will-Hunting-Level intellect behind the counter, I stack the cans up into 12 identical stacks of 5 cans each.

12 stacks. 5 cans each stack. The same kind of can.

My third grade Math teacher taught me that I can figure out that the total number of cans is 12 times 5.

Maybe ONCE a year, I’m lucky enough to find an Einstein smart enough to swipe just ONE can, and then press a button on the register to multiply it by 60.

The REST of the year, I am forced to endure old crusty Mildred look at the stacks of cans, then at me, and frown at me like I just made her job harder. Then, she proceeds to take ONE CAN AT A TIME and swipe each one thru that fucking little laser scanner.

Each. Fucking. Can.

Seriously, it’s enough to make me just pop open a can right there and cram that mini-helping of beef giblets and gravy right down her dusty old throat.

A transaction that SHOULD take about 1 minute ends up taking closer to 10. I don’t think I’m asking a lot when I say that I prefer someone who can do elementary school math be my liason between myself and the establishment.

Sometimes it’s enough to make me weep on my short car ride home.

Am I just a hot tempered crazy Sicilian, or does shit like this drive anyone else to murder?

Are You Kidding Me?

2010-02-23T10:20:00.002-05:00

So, apparently my wife thinks I’m a pedophile.

Let’s back up.

I’ve mentioned a few times how I am hooked on the reality show “High School Reunion”. They take a dozen people from a high school senior class from 20 years ago, throw them in a house in Hawaii for 3 weeks, and watch the drama ensue. Its true train-wreck TV, and I love it. I never miss an episode.

So 2 weeks ago, Friz and I were watching something on television when my DVR put up a pop-up message on the screen to announce that it was going to begin taping High School Reunion in 1 minute.

Friz looked at me, and said with a perplexed face:

“Why is THAT recording?”

“Why? Because I like it, that’s why.”

“You enjoy watching that?”

“Yes, I do. What’s the big deal?”

“Nothing, I guess. Watch whatever you want.”

I thought that the conversation was passing strange, but quickly forgot about it.

Cut to last week, when I’m laying on the couch watching the latest episode of HSR, when Friz came home from work.

“What are you watching?”

“High School Reunion”

“Again? Really?”

“Yeah, again, really. What’s your problem with this show?”

“ ‘I’ don’t have a problem.”

“Well, ‘I’ don’t either.”

“Whatever.”

Now, that conversation of course made me remember the previous week’s conversation. I sat there trying to figure out just that the Hell kind of problem Friz had with this damn show. It’s not like the show is all about setting homeless people on fire or anything (Note to self: pitch show to NBC called ‘Homeless BBQ’).

So, this past weekend, I was sitting down and enjoying the latest episode of High School Reunion, when Friz came home from wherever the Hell she goes to spend all my money.

“What are you watching?”

“High School Reunion”

“Again! What’s your problem?”

“My problem? What’s YOUR problem with this show?”

“My problem is that I don’t understand why you keep watching this show over and over again.”

“Over and over? What are you talking about? There’s a new episode every week.”

“New episode? No there’s not. It’s the same thing over and over again”.

“Over and over….?”

And that’s when it hit me.

She was confusing ‘High School Reunion’ with ‘High School Musical’.

My wife, who I’ve known for 15 years and is supposed to know me better than anyone else, ACTUALLY FUCKING BELIEVED that for the past month, I have been sitting home alone in the dark, watching a bunch of 13 year-old kids prance around singing the same stupid songs about high school, week after week. That I was just recording the same kiddie show, over and over again.

If true, that would make ME more than a little creepy. And quite frankly, NOW I’m more than a little creeped out thinking that SHE thought I’d be actually into watching that shit over and over.

It’s almost enough to make me want to throw out my Vanessa Hudgens lunchbox.

Almost.

On Being Prolific

2010-02-16T11:47:00.003-05:00

Someone told me the other day that I should post here more often.

Sorry folks, I’d love to oblige, but that just ain’t gonna happen.

I long ago came to the conclusion that I was only ever going to post somthing on here only if it was something that I myself wouldn’t mind re-reading.

That pretty much means lots of stories about wee-wee’s and boobies, but hey, if you visit here more than once, then you already know what you’re getting yourself into.

Seriously, I can’t tell you guys how many posts I’ve written, and before I hit “Publish”, I took a look at what I’ve created and said to myself, “Sexy self, this is some boring shit. Who could possibly care enough to read through this drivel?”

When I write something about MYSELF, and re-reading it bores even ME to tears, then I like to think that in the past I have done the responsible thing and just scrapped the whole post.

Being a world-class cyber-celebrity like I am, I often just randomly jaunt through the blogosphere checking out new blogs that I stumble across.

You cannot freaking IMAGINE how many of them suck donkey bits.

Seriously… it’s pretty sad. Just because you OWN a blog, doesn’t mean you have to tell me every mundane part of your life. Too many people out there don’t understand the purpose of having a blog. They end up using it as their personal Twitter account, and it bores the rest of us to tears.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you just wrote a post about what you had for dinner, or how you discovered you were low on gas after taking little Cindy to daycare today, just save the world from reading your spam and hit “Delete”.

Let me say right now that I’m not speaking about any of the blogs on my blogroll to the right. I wouldn’t put them up there if I thought they sucked. On the contrary, each one of those puppies has gotten the “Slydesblog Seal of Approval”.

As for Slydesblog, through trial and error, I have discovered that I can usually spit out two articles a week. Three if I push it.

More than that and you’ll be forced to read about me re-arranging my underwear drawer. Who on Earth could possibly care about something like that?

(Thongs on the right, crotchless on the left, by the way).

What Every Father Wants To Hear

2010-02-12T11:16:00.002-05:00

If you live anywhere near me right now, you are surrounded by snow.

A LOT of snow.

So much snow that most schools and offices got to shut down or have a delayed opening, at least ONE of the past two days.

My company apparently didn’t get the fucking memo.

Anyway, through my frustration with having to schlep my ass to work in this weather, I still managed to have some fun Wednesday night with Mini-Me, out in the snow.

He wanted to build a snowman. We built a kick-ass one. We even bought a snowman kit, complete with the buttons and eyeballs and fake carrot stick and all. He had a ball. I was going to take a picture of it, but as luck would have it, my digital camera died last night, so no pics for you until I get it charged.

After we build the best snowman ever, he wanted to have a snowball fight.

So there we were, throwing snowballs at each other, as the rest of my neighbors were out and about trying to shovel themselves out.

Everything was going swimmingly, until a badly lobbed throw by ME hit Mini-Me squarely in the Family Jewels.

My son, looked at his crotch, then looked at me. Then he did it again.

Crotch. Me. Crotch. Me.

Then, with tears in his eyes, he looked at me accusingly and SCREAMED…..

“YOU HURT MY PENIS!”

Before I could tell him to kindly lower his damn voice, he started running all over the lawn screaming his new mantra:

“YOU HURT MY PENIS! YOU HURT MY PENIS!”

I looked around to notice my entire neighborhood taking a break from their shoveling to watch the free entertainment unfolding on my lawn.

There really isn’t much else you can do at such a point, except to sit my ass down in the snow and wait for Child Protective Services to come along.

Thankfully, they haven’t showed up yet. Maybe they’re stuck in the blizzard.

Or maybe in their haste to get to my house, they drove too fast over a snowbank and hurt THEIR penises.

10 Things I’m Thinking About Right Now

2010-02-09T11:34:00.001-05:00

I’ve come to realize that when I’m sick as a dog, the LAST thing I feel like doing is writing something for this blog.

At least, I don’t feel like writing ANYTHING that takes any real kind of effort.

So, I thought to myself, “Sexy Self, what kind of post should I write when I don’t want to put that much work into it?”

And my Sexy Self Replied, “Why don’t you just do another lame Bullet-Post?”

“ A Bullet-Post, eh? Egads, it just might be crazy enough to work!”

So, without much fanfare, here are literally the top 10 things that just popped into my head while I was writing this.

1) I am still giddy with excitement over winning the office Superbowl Pool. I just got the money this morning, and I’ve already spend about 2 times what I just won on shit that I didn’t really need. Hey, I’m not impulsive…. I’m just trying to stimulate the economy!

2) Lately I’ve been obsessed with Wikapedia. In the middle of the day, I’ll stop whatever I’m working on and go there, and just look up some random celebrity or event that just happened to flash across my mind. “Hey, what the fuck is Tootie from the Facts of Life up to these days? I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!” (p.s. She’s doing well, by the way)

3) I noticed this morning that I am up to 99 followers. All morning I keep refreshing the page, hoping to see ONE OF YOU jump in and make it 100. I’m not sure why I’m obsessing on that, but it’s been driving me batty all morning. Please help put me out of my OCD misery and give me an even 100 followers. Of course, now that I’m looking at it, if TWO of you start following me, thereby pushing me to 101, I’m not going to be able to relax until it gets to 200! So, call your friends!

4) In that same vein, you might not have gleaned this from my posts, but I’m SLIGHTLY vain. I demand a lot of attention. This morning, after I looked at my number of followers, I scrolled down and noticed that no one has left me a phone message in almost 8 months. That just isn’t good for my self-esteem one bit. I’m fragile like that.

5) I can’t figure out people who USED to come here and comment on my blog all the time, but don’t come around anymore, even though I see them still commenting on other blogs. What the Hell is up with that shit? Did I suddenly start sucking more than I used to? No way, Jose! I’m pretty sure I’m at the same level of ‘Suck’ as I’ve always been. Maybe I need to stop saying ‘Suck’ so much?

6) I just got Valkyrie from Netflix. I’m about half-way through it. I like the movie well enough, but it’s REALLY pissing me off that Tom Cruise isn’t even TRYING to put on a German accent. He’s just talking in his normal voice. I half expect him to put on some shades and say “Hitler, you can be my wingman anytime!” or start sliding across the floor in his socks and underwear.

7) Sometimes I think about doing video blogs. Back in the day, I did I few of them, and it was kinda fun. And Lord knows the internet needs to see more of me. It makes everyone happy. I guess the main reason I don’t do them more often is that I’m just too damn lazy. It takes much more work to record myself and upload the video than it does to just type something and hit “post”.

8) “24” is starting to bore the shit out of me this season. It’s not “bad”, really….. It’s just “not exciting”. Maybe I’m just getting too used to seeing Keifer Sutherland have a cliff-hanger-inducing emergency every 55 minutes for it to phase me much anymore.

9) Speaking of Boring, me and Mini-Me sat down and watched Dr. Doolittle this weekend. I hadn’t seen it since I was a kid, and all I remembered was that I loved the Hell out of that movie when I was young. Holy Shit did that movie suck! I was bored to tears. What the Hell was I thinking when I was 7? Did I have no standards? No sense of quality? I guess it must be a ‘kid’ thing, because Mini-Me loved it.

10) Making this list was harder than I thought it would be. Yes, making this my #10 is kinda cheating. Bite me.

Adventureland

2010-02-05T11:23:00.007-05:00

One of the great things about being sick is getting your temperature taken analy.

Wait, that’s not right. Let me try that again.

One of the great things about being sick is that you get to stay home from work and watch a lot of movies from Netflix.

Out of everything I watched yesterday in my fever-induced haze, the one that impressed me the most was Adventureland.

The problem is, I’m not sure if it was REALLY a good movie, or if I’m just extremely bias towards it.

A bit of explanation.

Adventureland is the story of a young man, just finishing high school in the Summer of 1987, who is forced to take a shitty Summer job at a local amusement park in order to make enough cash to follow his dream of living in Manhattan. It is basically a coming-of-age story that follows this young man as he finds everything from his first love, to his place in the world, and his future.

In the movie, Adventureland is a fictional park located in the suburbs outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

But the ACTUAL park that writer Greg Matola REALLY worked at in the summer of 87 is right here on Long Island (edit: fixed the link!). It’s actually about 3 miles from where I’m sitting right now. You may even remember hearing me talking about it a few times before.

It’s the place where I got to first base with Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher, for starters.

Anyway, Adventureland has been a Long Island attraction for decades. As a misguided teen, I spent MANY wayward nights hanging out at that park.

A few of those wayward nights just happened to have taken place in the Summer of 1987.

It’s no surprise that this movie really struck a chord with me. From the sets, to the way everyone dressed, to the aimless, trying-to-find-themselves attitudes of the kids all stuck working there that Summer, the film just really resonated with me, and paralleled how I felt about life and my future during that lazy Summer.

You may remember hearing about the movie when it premiered last Summer, but more than likely, you didn’t. The movie pretty much tanked financially. I think it was mostly because it was billed as “From the Writer of Superbad”, and it wasn’t that type of movie AT ALL. It wasn’t an outrageous comedy. It was a subtle one. One that has stayed with me since yesterday, refusing to let me stop thinking about it.

Everyone in this movie was spectacular. From Jesse Eisenberg, who has impressed me since his star turn in Zombieland, to Ryan Reynolds, to some very funny supporting roles by SNL alums Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader as the park owners, everything about this film worked for me.

And no one surprised me more than Kristen Stewart, of Twilight fame. She was absolutely REAL in this movie, and I loved her in it. I may just have to finally watch those Twilight movies after all, now.

Ok, that’s enough rambling about a movie that most of you haven’t seen, and probably never will.

I just wanted you all to know that this film grabbed me and threw me into a time machine and sent me back to a part of my life that I really wasn’t prepared to visit again. And it did it very well. While watching it, I felt that if I looked VERY hard, I might be able to spot an 18 year-old Slyde, in the background, playing one of the carnival games trying to win a prize for my girlfriend, while wondering just what the Hell I was going to do with my life.

I can’t ask much more than that from something that took up 90 minutes of my day.

Lost For The Last Time

2010-02-02T11:10:00.005-05:00

No, this ISN’T a post about me buying a new GPS…..

This post should serve as a friendly warning to all you fine people out there….

A warning to not call me tonight, or stop by my house, or write me an email, or even THINK about me too hard, or basically not to do ANYTHING that could in any way interfere with me watching tonight’s season premiere of the final season of Lost.

Since this show hit the air a few years ago, from the first episode really, I have been completely enamored with it. I desperately feed on each tiny 1-hour morsel of goodness they produce each week much like a junkie with a bad habit.

Quite simply, as the show has continued, and the characters have progressed, I have fallen in love with these guys. I will truly be bummed when this show ends its run.

And, as much as I’m looking forward to the new season that starts tonight, I’m also dreading it with feelings of trepidation. I just don’t see any way that they can resolve the story in a way that will amount to anything less than a letdown for me.

I guess I’ve just set the bar way too damn high, and I know it.

And even though I may ultimately be disappointed with the outcome, I still cannot WAIT to get there. All of these characters, each written so well, deserve a resolution.

So do we.

So, how did we leave off last year, and what questions should this season finally answer for us?

-When last we left the island, Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer were able to detonate the bomb, finally stopping the island from jumping through time in the past. Or did they?

-In a final act of selflessness, we lost one of the Island’s hotties, Juliette. Never again will I see that sexy, crooked smile of hers and think to myself how living on that island might not be so bad after all.

-The coffin was finally opened to reveal Locke’s body, seemingly proving that he has been dead for the past season, and NOT resurrected by the island as we were led to believe. If this is true, then WHO is the “Imposter Locke” that has been barking out orders lately?

-Imposter Locke ended the season by killing Jacob. Why did he need to take out the Island’s head honcho, and what does it mean for the rest of the island?

-Where has Claire been all this time?

-Where the hell have the other 30 or so losties been during all the time the main dudes have been jaunting through time all of last season? Did they all get killed by the flaming arrow attack at the start of last season, or have they too been hiding out in the jungle with Bernard and Rose?

-And of course, what the Hell is this island, really? The number one theory that has been bandied about from the first season is that everyone from Oceanic Flight 815 died in the original crash, and that the island is some form of Purgatory, but from the beginning, the producers have swore that this is not the case.

I could not be more excited about seeing how this all wraps up.

So, anyone out there have any theories? Speak up!

Cause Ya Had A Bad Day......

2010-01-29T14:31:00.004-05:00

I don't think that dopey song has ever been more appropriate than this.....

Yesterday, in Istanbul, Turkey, a truck driver, who apparently has his head surgically grafted to his ass, forgot that he had left the dumper (heh, i said 'dumper') on his rig in the upright position, and then blisfully unaware DECIDED TO START DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY WITH THE BACK END OF HIS TRUCK STICKING STRAIGHT UP 40 FUCKING FEET IN THE AIR!

I can't imagine how high i'd have to be to not notice that half of the vehicle i was driving down the road was pointing verticially up to the sky. At the very least, i'd like to think that it would adversly impact my blind spot.

At any rate, watch in wide wonder as this ass-hat barells down the highway, and smashes through a overhead walkway......

A walkway that people just happened to be walking over, happily going about their day, probably thinking about how shitty it is to live in Istanbul or something, when suddenly, living in Istanbul got a whole lot fucking worse.

Seriously, seeing that one guy falling thru the floor as the bridge comes crashing down around him gives me the chills. Remarkably, no one was killed.

Anyway, enough talk-up. Take a gander at this:

Too Much Reality

2010-01-26T13:38:00.002-05:00

One of the good things about coming down with a cold and generally feeling like shit, is that I can put up a stupid post and then blame my lack of anything to really write about on my fever-induced brain.

So, I thought once again the other day about how I am for some reason completely obsessed with Reality TV. I have no clue why this is. I routinely enjoy condemning people for watching any number of shitty scripted television shows that are currently on the air, but I seem to have no problem sitting down to watch a Real World marathon.

It’s weird, and hypocritical. I know this. In the end, I can’t tell you all WHY I love Reality TV so much. I just do.

At any rate, I thought I’d run down the list of the top 10 Reality TV shows that keep me coming back for more. Admitting that I watch some of these gems really shames me, but if I can’t share my ugly side with you guys, who could I share it with?

So, without much fanfare, here are my favorite Reality TV shows:

(p.s. I really wish I could link these shows to their respective IMDB web pages. Fucking work and its shitty work filter! Bah!)

10) American Idol – Friz and I watch this every year, and I really don’t know why. So much of it bores me to tears, that we usually watch a lot of it in fast forward. I guess the main reason I watch it is just so I can know who the fuck everyone else in my office is talking about.

9) Real World – Throw 8 confused teenagers in a house, and watch them interact with each other. It’s been losing a lot of its charm for me lately, but I have to admit that last season’s bisexual Cancun cast was outstanding!

8) Amazing Race – Watching couples race around the world while crying and screaming at each other never seems to get old for me. 16 seasons in and I’ve never missed an episode. If Earl and I were on the show, he would have to do all the driving, and I’d do all the manly challenges.

7) The Celebrity Apprentice – Take the king douche himself, Donald Trump, and watch him interact with has-been celebrities so desperate for attention that they will debase themselves weekly for one more chance at being topical. I love it.

6) The Surreal Life – Take those same has-been celebrities and put them in a house Real-World-style. VH1 hasn’t put a new season out in a while now, which is a shame.

5) The Joe Schmo Show – Ah, this show was brilliant in its 2 year run. Take an average person, and unbeknownst to him, put him on a reality show where EVERYONE else is an actor following a script, with the sole purpose to make his life a living Hell. One of the funniest shows ever to be put on the air.

4) The Bad Girls Club – Take 8 trailer trash hot girls, throw them in a mansion, and watch in awe for 13 weeks as they waver between kissing and killing each other. I just can’t get enough.

3) Real World/Road Rules Challenge – Each year, between seasons of the Real World, they take about 30 people from all the different seasons, and lock them in a house where they compete in the most brutal physical challenges I have ever seen on TV. I have slowly gotten more and more into this one.

2) High School Reunion – I fell in love with this show last year, and this season is not disappointing me either. They take a dozen people who graduated from the same high school 20 years ago, and put them all together in a mansion in Hawaii for 2 weeks. For everyone who cringes thinking about the social dynamics that put them through Hell in high school, this show brings all those long-repressed feelings back with a vengeance and and is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

1) Survivor – The granddaddy of them all. Possibly my favorite TV show, reality or otherwise. I had applied to be a contestant a few years back, and I will not rest until I am on that island, plotting my victory while eating fried rat and octopus eyeballs.

So, which Reality TV shows do you guys watch?

Not Exactly My Finest Moment

2010-01-22T15:26:00.007-05:00

One of the many great things about me is that, aside from being perfect, I somehow still manage to stay quite humble. I’m not above showing you all glimpses of my life when I’m not quite “at the top of my game”.

Case in point:

Remember last month when I told you all about my New Years Eve Party that got slightly out of hand?

Well, some pictures have surfaced that should prove pretty clearly how I was holding up that night during my 10 or so hours of drunken debauchery.

Witness me, in all my hotness, at about 9 pm that night.

Honestly, this photo just captures a small fraction of my awesomeness. To REALLY captivate my true beauty, you would need a gajillion-megapixel camera so you could zoom in on every inch of my perfect face and physique.

At any rate, at the time of this picture, I was awake, alert, and coherent. Even Mini-Me appears to be happy to be in my presence.

Let’s fast forward to about 1 A.M:

Now, in my defense, this picture was taken after I was the victorious “Last Man Standing” at our Beer-Pong Olympics.

It was ALSO an hour or so after I smoked enough Ganja to put a hole in the ozone layer.

Now, I know I’m not a chick, but I’m FAIRLY certain that no girl with eyesight would ever consider taking “1 AM Me” home with them if I started hitting on them in a club.

The worst part of that last picture (and the part that makes me laugh the hardest) is Mini-Me’s utter look of horror at what his father has become.

Ouch! This Is Awkward

2010-01-19T11:26:00.005-05:00

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 2 weeks, or the moon (or under a rock ON the moon), you have no doubt been bombarded with the late night drama going on between Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien.

For anyone who’s rock doesn’t have Cable or WiFi, the gist is this:

Jay Leno left the Tonight Show over the Summer to start his own Prime Time show. This freed up Conan to finally get his shot at hosting the Tonight Show, which he was promised 5 years ago. Jay’s new show sucked, and tanked in the ratings. Conan’s show is ALSO not doing too hot. So the geniuses at NBC decided to move Jay back to his old time slot, but only give him a half hour show, and move Conan’s show back by a half hour to make the room for Jay. Then Conan told NBC to go fuck themselves, and quit, giving Jay his old Tonight Show job back, which is what NBC wanted all along.

Well, Jay has been taking a lot of heat for his decision to squeeze out Conan, and in my opinion, rightly so. This clip was unearthed over the weekend, and if you had felt in any way BEFOREHAND that Jay might be getting beat up a little too harshly, watch the clip below and then let me know how you feel about the whole mess.

Jay's 2004 Announcement - watch more funny videos

Ouch!

When I first saw this, I imagined someone sending it to Jay in an email with the title, “Hey Buddy, Remember This?”, Then I imagined Jay watching the clip and thinking, “Holy Shit I hate the internet!”. Seriously, this clip makes Jay look like a real douche. Five years later, he has basically gone and done what he categorically stated that he would NEVER do to anyone, once he gave up his show.

Anyway, I have to admit that I’ve never been too big of a fan of Conan’s (I just don’t find him very compelling), but I have to give that little Ginger bastard props for his decision to publicly tell NBC to go screw. That took balls.

One last note. Don’t let this post make anyone think for a second that I could really give two shits either way. I don’t watch either show, and don’t plan to. They are on too late, and I need tons of beauty sleep to keep looking this fucking awesome. I just like pointing out when people are being asshats.

Netflix Is The Devil

2010-01-14T11:10:00.006-05:00

So, I’ve been watching WAY too many movies from Netflix.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I finally broke down and got a Netflix account. I had been on the fence about getting one for years now, but once they started offering instant streaming of movies through my Playstation 3, I knew I was going to pull the trigger on a membership.

Anyway, as I figured, I cannot be trusted with such open-ended responsibilities when it comes to movie-watching, one of my true loves. Much like an alcoholic being given the keys to the local liquor store, I have been over-indulging myself in a veritable orgy of movie watching.

I’d list ALL of the movies I’ve watched in the past 3 weeks, but of course the shitty company I work for filters out my access to Netflix, so I’ll try my best to do it by memory. I won’t remember them all.

(p.s. If I had my druthers, I’d ALSO link each movie to their IMDB listing for your perusal, but of course I can’t get to IMDB anymore, either. Can you believe the nerve of a company, trying to FORCE me to work while I’m here? Why, I’ll show them!)

"Trick or Treat" - Pretty cool anthology horror movie. Was very campy and tried (successfully) to be an 80's horror-homage. Me likey.

“Let the Right One In” – Foreign vampire movie that I had heard a lot about. It did NOT disappoint. Awesome.

“Obsessed” – Sexy Ali Larter and Less-Sexy Beyonce get into a catfight over a man. I actually surprised myself and kinda liked this one.

“Gran Turino” – Clint Eastwood is amazing. I loved this film.

“Monster Camp” – A documentary about nerdy Live Action Role Players (larpers) and how they go through life. Cringe-worthy. I loved every minute of it.

“Old Boy” – Korean violent action movie that I had heard about for years. I liked it, but was left slightly under-whelmed after all the hype.

“Drag Me To Hell” – Sam Raimi’s attempt to take a break from Spider-man and get back to his horror roots. This movie made me remember why I think his only good movie EVER was Evil Dead. This film blew donkey chunks.

“Battlestar Galactica – The Plan” – This one-shot movie takes us through the first 3 seasons of the awesome series, and shows us everything that happened from the Cylon’s point of view. I actually thought this movie was very good, and essential watching if you are a BSG fan. P.S. Rent this movie like I did, and don’t watch the version that they play on SYFI. This version had boobies, and even a few wee-wees. Win-Win!

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno” – I have a huge man crush on Kevin Smith, and even when he makes a bad movie, I still love the Hell out of it. The ending, with Jay talking about his love of a “Dutch Rudder” (don’t ask), had me laughing my ass off.

Plus about 20 kiddie movies for Mini-Me.

Bah, I know I’m still missing a handful of stuff I’ve rented, but I can’t remember them right now. If something else comes to me, I’ll update the list.

Anyone else out there obsessed with Netflix?

The Fastest Way To Almost Choke To Death

2010-01-11T16:48:00.006-05:00

So, my son nearly killed me yesterday.

I was sitting down at our kitchen table, trying to eat a sandwich, when my son walks up to me, out of nowhere, and tells me:

“Daddy, my friends at school, Gina and Olivia, like to touch my friend Trevor’s winky.”

Not quite believing what I heard, I gasped and almost choked on my sandwich.

Thinking I surely must have heard him wrong, I finally managed to (quite eloquently) stammer out:

“Wh……. What?”

“Gina and Oliva. They like to touch Trevor’s winky. He doesn’t like when they touch it, but they force him and then do it anyway.”

Since it seemed to work so smashingly the first time, I once again followed up with:

“Wh……. What?”

“I tried to get them to touch mine, but they didn’t feel like it”

I was on a roll: “You… they…. Did what?”

“Yeah, I took it out to show it to them, but no one seemed to care. I even tried to shove it into their hands, but no one wanted to grab it”

Holy Shit where the FUCK was Friz? I COULD NOT handle this conversation! I could not BELIEVE what it SOUNDED like we were suddenly discussing.

“I like it when people play with MY winky”

I thought “Well shit, me too!”, but I’m pretty sure that I didnt have THAT epiphany until Junior High!

He must have finally caught his breath long enough to notice that I was about to collapse from not having taken a breath in the last 2 minutes.

He looked at me and said, “Daddy, what’s wrong? YOU like playing with my winky, don’t you?”

It’s not very often where I find myself speechless, but THAT little gem sure as Hell did it for me.
I was about to just break down in the fetal position and cry, when I FINALLY saw what he was talking about.

In fact, he had his “winky” in his hand the whole time we were talking.

Ladies and Gents, meet Winky.

That’s right. Winky is the name of his latest Zhu Zhu pet.

What a relief THAT was!

Now I'd like to put this whole sordid conversation behind me, as soon as i change my underwear and can find a way to dye my hair back to its natural color.

When Librarians Attack!

2010-01-07T12:04:00.005-05:00

So, I got into a fight with a librarian last night.

I’ve always been a pretty avid reader, but as some of you might remember, I don’t actually READ books anymore. For the past 5 years or so, I have preferred to listen to my books on audio CD.

I really enjoy it. I load the book up onto my iPod, and then I can “read” my book whenever/wherever I want. Driving to work, while I’m in the gym, wherever.

Anyway, I usually get my books from the local library. Last week, I was stoked to find out that they had a new book I had been waiting quite a while to read, the latest in Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, “The Gathering Storm”. I quickly rented it out, and brought it home.

Once I got home, I started loading the CD’s (there are 24 of them.. these are BIG books) into my PC. Everything was going all ducky until I happened to look at the box cover, and noticed a little sticker that proclaimed that there should be 26, not 24, CDs in the box.

I only HAD 24 CDs. I quickly listened to the end of the 24th disc, in the hopes that the sticker was mislabeled, but no dice there…. The 24th CD concluded in the middle of a chapter.

Now, I COULD have just brought the discs back to the library, thrown them up on the “Returns” pile, and walk away, but when I got there, I decided to be a good citizen and alerted one of the staff to the problem.

She left for a second, and when she returned, she told me: “I’m sorry, but you are libel for the lost material”

“Excuse me?”

“When we check out any audio CDs, we always check to make sure that the correct number of CDs are in the case before we loan it out.”

“Well, that obviously isn’t the case this time. I literally came home, opened the case, and saw that 2 discs were missing”

“But as I said, we always check the discs”

“Then SOMEONE back there needs to stop counting on their fingers and toes, because SOMEONE made a mistake this time.”

That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say, but I was getting mad. These damn things cost about $40 a piece. There was NO WAY I was paying for this.

“Well, I can’t check this in. It’s defective. You will need to speak to the manager who comes in tomorrow”

So, I huffed and I puffed, and I got the manager’s name. I called her first thing this morning.

“I’m sorry sir, but I checked our records, and you were the FIRST person to take out this collection.”

“I don’t care if that’s MY damn VOICE on the recording! I never RECEIVED the 2 missing CD’s."

“Well, I will speak to the technician who actually checked you out and call you back.”

Then she hung up.

I thought, “What the Hell good is THAT going to do?”

True to her word, I got a call back 5 minutes later.

“I spoke to the technician, and what we feel now is that we never received the missing discs from the manufacturer. We will contact them about them. We can consider this matter closed.”

I am absolutely dumbstruck. What the Hell could have POSSIBLY taken place in that conversation with the technician to make the manager change her tune?

“Hey technician, do you remember checking out this book last week?”

“Sure I do!”

“And did you remember to check how many discs were in the case when you checked it out?”

“I sure as FUCK did!”

“And what did you see?”

“I saw that the case was missing 2 discs, but I said ‘Fuck it’ and gave it to the poor jackass anyway. I thought it would be funny”

“Good job, technician!”

Anyway, I’m happy to not owe the library anything, but this whole thing really ticked me off.

P.S. Unfortunately, the librarian I spoke with did NOT look like the one in the banner picture. If she did, I probably would have just paid the money. I maybe would have even paid extra for a lap dance.

Ringing In The New Year Right

2010-01-04T16:39:00.003-05:00

So, my house almost burned to the ground on New Year’s Eve.

I guess that’s a sign that we had a good party.

In the olden days, when I was still young enough to know what was cool and what wasn’t, we used to throw some pretty wild parties. Some stuff used to go on during those festivities that could have gotten me arrested in most states… maybe even Arkansas!

But as time inevitably marches on, so too did our get-togethers get more and more tame. For instance, I’m pretty sure that for the last half dozen New Year’s Eve parties we’ve attended, we have had our jackets on by 12:10 and have been home by 1:00 AM. That doesn’t exactly make for too many wild stories.

This year we seem to have made up for the last few years.

To start off, we decided to have the party this year at our place. We invited about 20 people to help us ring in the New Year. If you weren’t on the list, then that means that we don’t like you.

Everyone was drinking. A lot. I mean, REALLY a lot. At one point, the furniture in the Dining Room got moved because the hard wood floors in there made for a great dance floor. While dancing, I’m pretty sure I got sandwiched between 2 hot people. I’m think at least one of them was female.

I also did something that I hadn’t done in YEARS. We played Team Beer-Pong. After winning the first game, the other team challenged us to a rematch, which we won. So of course we needed to play a third game, which we lost. So, they then likewise had to let us try for a comeback, etc. In the end, we played 7 consecutive games, but I’m not sure if you could call the last one technically a “game”, as by that point I was basically blind and just throwing the ping pong ball at the first noise I heard. At least I didn’t throw up, as did one of our opponents, who we beat handily.

I also did something else I hadn’t done in a bit. I smoked. And I’m not talking about cigarettes. I’m talking about smoking something else that made me attack the snacks we had with a wild abandon. Nothing beats standing out in the freezing snow at 11pm, hiding on the side of my house like a teenager, smoking something that is making me hack up half a lung.

The best part of the night, however, was when a bunch of us were all standing around the kitchen, and one of my friends casually walked by and told us that there was a fire in the dining room. She didn’t seem too concerned about it, so for a second, I just figured she was just talking about the candles that we had lit throughout the house.

I went back to whatever the hell I was doing, when she looked at me and screamed, “No, there is a FUCKING FIRE IN THE DINING ROOM!”

So, I run into the dining room, and ladies and gents, I could not BELIEVE what I saw there.

The huge centerpiece on the table had caught fire, and the entire fucking thing was lit up like a bonfire! The blaze was about 5 feet high, licking the chandelier and ceiling.

So, being the manly take-action dude that I am, I grabbed the thing, burning the fuck out of my hands in the process, and as someone held the door open, I ran outside and threw it into the snow.

I can only imagine my neighbors looking out their window and seeing me, drunk, stoned, and screaming like a little girl, doing the stop, drop and roll thing with a blazing inferno in my hands. It’s hard to look sexy after something like that.

Anyway, the party went on till daybreak. Many people actually crashed all over our house and left the next afternoon. It actually did my heart good to know that, when push comes to shove, and can still party like I did 20 years ago.

I just pay for it for a lot longer now.

So, how was everyone else’s New Years?

P.S. There may or may not be pictures of some of these antics that some of the party-goers put up on Facebook. I would advise any of my Facebook friends out there to NOT look at these pictures. Certainly not.

The Year Endeth....

2009-12-31T18:47:00.004-05:00

See how much I love you guys?

I am hosting a New Year's bash at my place tonight (the guests should start arriving in about 30 minutes, in fact), and what do i decide to spend my last few unaccounted-for minutes of the year doing?

Wishing you all a very happy and safe New Year's, that's what!

Seriously guys, lets all hope that the new year, Hell, the new decade, brings us all much peace, love, joy, and prosperity. God knows we could use it.

(And yes, I know i've been absolutely HORRIBLE with keeping up with blogs while i've been off on my 3 week vacation. That's a nicer way of saying that I havent read ANYONE'S blog in 3 weeks. I'll be back to work come Monday, so i'm sure i'll be back to my web-surfing sexiness before long.)

Kick Ass!

2009-12-29T13:39:00.004-05:00

You wanna know what REALLY pisses me off?

Sure you do. It's when i have a great idea for a new post, but then, because I'm a lazy shit, i don't put it up for a few days, and some asshat ends up beating me to it and puts up the same story on THEIR blog!

Well, it's happened to me again.

I've wanted to write about the new movie "Kick-Ass!" for about a week now, but between me still being on vacation, and the holidays and all, i just never found the time. Remarkably, i STILL managed to find the time to play LEFT FOR DEAD 2 for about 10 hours last week, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, my beard Earl beat me to the punch this time, and talked about this movie yesterday.

Kick Ass! is based on a comic book that i had heard of, but for some reason have never read. It's a very dark story in which a group of average kids decide that they want to try being real costumed-clad superheroes.

Since i first saw this trailer last week, I've kinda been obsessed with it.

Be warned: It's kinda hard-core for a trailer. If seeing a little kid maim a bunch of people and drop some pretty heavy-duty profanity offends you, then you had best not watch the video below.

If you search around on the net, there is actually a different trailer for each one of the kids, but Hit Girl's, understandably, is the one that is generating most of the buzz, both good and bad.

I can see people's concerns as to the territory in which this movie treads, but honestly, this trailer has me so damn jazzed to see this movie, i really cannot contain myself. Last night i found myself humming that damn tune while watching television.

I am SO THERE when this movie opens in April. Who's with me?

The Last Avatar Review You'll Ever Read

2009-12-24T09:47:00.004-05:00

Oh, I'm such a crafty little bugger.

While the WHOLE ENTIRE Interwebs have been posting nothing but Avatar reviews this week, bombarding you with the basically the same thing over and over again, what do I go and do?

I quite ingeniously turn it all up on its ear, and decide to post NOTHING at all this week, even though Earlsy and I saw Avatar OPENING morning!

I've sat here all week revelling in the thought of all of you, visiting here every 10 minutes, every day, all week, waiting to see my review of this movie. My web stats must be through the roof! MUHAHAHAH!

Anyway, I'll TRY to get past my incredible marketing strategy know-how and get to what I actually thought of the movie.

First off, if you can stomach shelling out $16 bucks like i did, i would highly recommend seeing it in IMAX 3-D. More than any other movie i have ever seen in my life, the movie just feels .... alive. I really don't know how to put it any better than that. I pretty much sat through the entire film in awe of the technology, and how immerse the jungle planet of Pandora looked on screen. From the ambient noises, to the constant barrage of flies buzzing past my head in all their 3-D glory, the world just felt real, and i felt like i was in the middle of it.

Simply speaking, technology-wise, it is the most impressive movie ever made. This film probably makes George Lucas want to gouge his eyes out, since, on so many levels, this film does what Lucas strived so hard to do with his last three Star Wars films.

Make no mistake though, Avatar isn't the next "Godfather". The story is actually kinda hokey, and some dialogue bordered on the cringe worthy. But then again, if you are shelling out $16 to see this movie in Imax 3-D, you probably aren't overly concerned with the story.

The last thing i want to say is that, while it may sound contrary to what i wrote above, i am generally NOT a fan of copious CGI in a film. No matter how good the computer effects are, I still find them slightly fake, and would still much rather see a movie using the old-school "real" special effects. The aliens in this movie, while looking leaps-and-bounds better than any previous movie CGI characters(take THAT, Jar-Jar Binks!), still looked stiff to me. I guess I'm just an old fogey at heart when it comes to movie effects.

Anyway, that's my review. I'd give the movie a solid 3 Stars..... 4 stars for the effects, and 2 stars for the story.

If i don't get to put up another post before tomorrow (and who am i kidding, we all know i won't), HAPPY HOLIDAYS, everyone!

Lazy

2009-12-16T17:06:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted in over a week. I have a good reason for this.

I'm lazy.

Well, that's not entirely fair. It's TRUE, but not fair.

The company I work for, in pure Scrooge-like fashion, does not let me carry over my vacation days from one year to the next, and they ALSO won't pay me out for UNUSED vacation days, so in terms of my time off, it's strictly "use it or lose it".

And i intend to use it, baby.....

I have been off from work since last Thursday. I will not be returning to work for the rest of the year. For the mathematically inept, that's over 3 consecutive weeks off.

When i think about it, I feel slightly guilty about leaving all my work responsibilities for such a long period of time. So i decided to do the more responsible thing, and just not think about it.

So, what have i been doing with my time off?

- Yesterday, i finished up my Christmas shopping. I did this by pulling up to Toys R Us first thing in the morning, and basically buying out the store. This little munchkin who lives with me better one day realize that he has the coolest Daddio in the world.

- I also finished appraising my old comic book collection. Remember, i started doing that about 2 months ago? Well, I'm happy to report that my comic book collection clocks in at over $22,000, if you can believe that shit. And, since i am now in debt to my local Toys R Us to the tune of about $21,000, I'd be more than happy to sell my entire collection to the first Slydesblogger out there who coughs up a nice fat check for 20 large... any takers?

- I've been playing a lot of video games. A LOT of video games. Sexy, i know. But the fact is that Mini-Me is still in school this week, and Friz is working, so it's either play games, or visit Craigslist for random M/M hookups. I like to think that I'm choosing the more responsible option...

- Earl finally convinced me to join Netflix, because apparently i don't watch enough movies. I have been fighting the Netflix thing for years now, but now that they can stream movies, real time, over my Playstation 3, i finally exploded in an orgy of techno-fanboy glee and gave 'em my credit card.

- Speaking of my girlfriend Earl, he and I will be going to the IMAX 3-D Opening day screening of Avatar on Friday. I want to go see it because i have had a hard-on for James Cameron and all of his films for 20 years now. Earl wants to go because when the movie starts i like to rub his thigh during the trailers.

Anyway, as you all know, its hard for me to blog when I'm off from work, so i wont be doing too much of it, but I'll try to let less time go by before i finally succumb and regurgitate something up on the site.

Wax On, Wax Off

2009-12-08T14:17:00.005-05:00

Mini-Me got into his first fight this weekend.

Remember I told you about THE LITTLE MONSTER FROM THE BLACK LAGOON that I almost put over my knee and spanked this past 4th of July?

Well, Friz took Mini-Me to a friend’s house on Friday night, for a kiddie holiday party. Unfortunately, Hitler Jr. was ALSO scheduled to be in attendance.

The entire week, my son was telling me….

“Daddy, do I HAVE to go?”
“ I don’t like that kid… He’s a bully”

… and on and on.

Anyway, they weren’t there for more than 30 minutes, playing outside, before Mini-Me runs into the house, half in tears, saying how Little Damian apparently didn’t like the way Mini-Me was throwing the ball, and decided it would be fun to just knock him down and punch him, instead.

If I had been there, I do believe I FINALLY would have hit the kid, but Friz, who had ALSO finally had enough of this little monster, pulled my son aside, cleaned him up and told him that “This is EXACTLY the kind of situation that he has been going to Karate class for the past year and a half.”

We’ve been telling him from the beginning that his learning Karate was only for “self – defense”, but, being only 6, I don’t think he ever really understood what that exactly meant until that moment.

Brave little man he is, he nodded, and went back outside to play.

30 minutes later, the ladies heard the all the kids outside, screaming.

When everyone ran outside, the group all stood open-mouthed at the site of my son beating the living crap out of this little schmuck.

Apparently, Shithead Jr. once again decided that he didn’t like the way my son was throwing the ball, and decided to knock him down again. This time my son got himself up, charged at him, and knocked him on his big fat ass. Finally having hit his limit, my son jumped him, and proceeded to karate-chop the shit out of him.

By the time Friz reached him to pull him off the kid, Mini-Me had schmuko crying his fat head off, and his jacket was ripped to ribbons.

One of the other kids that were there said they had never seen anything like it.

When they got home, poor Mini-Me at first didn’t want to tell me about it. He was afraid he was going to get into trouble, bless his little heart.

“Trouble” was the farthest thing he was going to get from ME.

I felt like going out and getting him a cigar, and a hooker, but I’m not sure he’s old enough to appreciate either one of those things yet.

Give him time………

Sometimes, The Funny Comes Right To YOU

2009-12-04T12:13:00.011-05:00

Golf Digest, which you would normally have to pin my eyes open “Clockwork Orange” style to ever get me to try to read, put out their latest issue on newsstands this morning.

If you open your window and listen VERY closely, you can probably hear, right NOW, the editor at Golf Digest being fired for not being able to pull this month’s cover story, or at least change the cover, before the issue was released to the public.

“10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger”???????

Are you kidding me?

Now, I haven’t read the issue yet, but let me take a wild stab at this one…..

1) If you have a net worth of roughly $500 million, don’t have your wife sign a pre-nup if you are gonna start banging other chicks.

2) Its probably not a good idea to indulge in too much sexting with other women.

3) Keep your golf clubs safetly locked away when not in use.

4) When being attacked by a jealous wife running at you with a 9-Iron while you are pulling out of the driveway, remember to check your blind spots!

5) Leaving incriminating phone messages telling girls that you are going to “wear them out” might not be in your best interest.

6) There aren’t too many lucrative endorsement deals out there for “Golfer/Horn Dog”.

7) If you just HAVE to screw around, make sure the girls you pick aren’t models/reality stars craving media attention.

8) Issuing a public statement saying “These allegations are totally untrue”, and then issuing a second statement 48 hours later saying “Hey, I fucked up!” makes you look like a douche-cake.

9) Sometimes, when you are being chased in your SUV by a pissed-off white woman with a golf club, trees can kind of sneak up on you. Look out!

10) If you are rich, famous, and just want to bang a lot of chicks, you probably should think twice about getting married in the first place.

And let’s not forget the OTHER great articles that are apparently included in this issue.......

“How to Outsmart your buddies”?

“Load it and Let it Go!”

Seriously, I need to stop now….. they are making it way too damn easy for me.

Michael Jackson Terrorizes Children *

2009-12-02T11:39:00.002-05:00

And no, I don’t mean in “that” way…..

I mean in the “Holy Crap I think Michael Jackson just scared the living shit out of my son” way….

Last night, I was playing a computer game with Mini-Me. We recently picked up this cute puzzle game called Plants Vs Zombies. I bought it because, as we all know, zombies are the Shiznit.

PvsZ is this cute game where you build plants in a garden in an effort to try to stop these little cutesy cartoon zombies from walking on your lawn. It’s very addictive, and it’s actually a good problem-solving game for kids. We’ve both been playing it for the better part of a week now.

Anyway, last night we got up to a new level in the game, and one of the cartoon zombies that attacked us was a cute little Michael Jackson/Thriller style zombie. My son had no idea what it was, and when I explained that it was supposed to be MJ, he became curious about it, and wanted to know more about Thriller.

Now, I haven’t seen that video in at least 20 years now. All I really remembered was that the Gloved-One dances around like a pixie, doing a lame-ass choreographed dance for 20 minutes. I figured, that was pretty damn safe for a 7 year old.

So, off to Youtube we went, where I quickly found the video. As it started, I realized that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the beginning, where MJ is walking his girlfriend through the park, and the full moon starts to rise, and he starts to change.

There is a scene where he sinks under the camera shot, and then POPS back up, now with demon-yellow eyes and fangs.

Well, my friends, it was right at that moment when Mini-Me just about shit his pants with fright.

I really felt bad about it. I totally forgot that that damnable video had a “BOO!” moment in it. Mini-Me went running out of the room, crying his eyes out, screaming for Friz while yelling at me “I’m only seven! Why would you show me that???”

Why, indeed?

So anyway, it was right at that moment that I knew I was going to be completely FUCKED for sleep last night.

And fucked I was.

Mini-Me woke up about every 2 hours last night, yelling for me.

Michael Jackson is in my room….
Michael Jackson is under my bed…
Michael Jackson is in the bathroom…

And on and on…..

I have to admit, having Michael Jackson under my bed would pretty much scare the bejesus out of me too, and that’s even now that he’s dead.

Anyway, I really feel bad about it, but if it’s any consolation, I am completely paying the price for my stupidity this morning. I am dead to the world, and can barely keep my eyes open.

Since I’ve apparently already destroyed his innocence, I might as well go the Full Monte tonight and just make him watch the Evil Dead trilogy.

Hey, the boy’s got to grow up sometime….

* Was the title of this post inappropriate or offensive? Too soon?

Guess, what? I could give a rat’s ass.

Happy Wednesday, all!