Small Plays About My Day

Hares

Small Plays — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 11:19:39 +0000

Miniature old lady: You have a book on hares in the window.
Emily: We do – I’ll get it for you.
Miniature old lady: I’m so happy. Hares are really my thing.
Emily: It’s a nice book.
Miniature old lady: Last time I was here I bought two books on badgers.
Emily: Yes, I remember.
Miniature old lady: The time before that it was a book on foxes.
Emily: We don’t get many books on hares.
Miniature old lady: If you ever get another, please put it in the window so I will see.
Emily: I will do.
Miniature old lady: You see, it’s hares that are really my thing.

Cows

Small Plays — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 10:14:12 +0000

Man with strong New Zealand accent: Do you have any cow books?
Emily: Sorry?
Man with strong New Zealand accent: Old cow books?
Emily: You mean … like the animal?
Wife with stronger accent: (loudly) Books about COWS.
Emily: I…
Man with strong New Zealand accent: Cows. Austin cows and Ford cows. Motor cows.
Emily: Oh! There’s a motor cow section downstairs.

Syria

Small Plays — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 15:36:16 +0000

SCENE 1: THE TILL DESK. NEIL IS READING A BOOK ON WAR. EMILY IS STARING INTO SPACE. ENTER TANNED MAN.

Tanned man: Excuse me, do you you have any books on Syria?
Neil: Possibly, there’s a section on the Middle East downstairs.

Curtain.

SCENE 2: SOME TIME LATER. THE TOILET DOWNSTAIRS. EMILY IS ENGAGED.

FX: knock at the toilet door.

Frantic action. Beat. Emily opens the door.
Emily: (Flustered) Hello, yes?
Tanned man: Excuse me, do you have any books on Syria?
Emily: …

Curtain.

Kempt

Small Plays — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 12:01:32 +0000

Cadaverous regular customer: Got any ideas about ambulances?
Emily: Ambulances?
Cadaverous regular customer: Where’s that one from then?
Emily: I’m not sure.
Cadaverous regular customer: Ambulare. Latin. To walk. Because they used to walk to hospital.
Emily: Ah, of course.
Cadaverous regular customer: And what about kempt?
Emily: Kent?
Cadaverous regular customer: Kempt. It’s from the Saxon.
Emily: Is it?
Cadaverous regular customer: You can be unkempt but why can’t you be kempt?
Emily: Good point.
Cadaverous regular customer: You’re looking very kempt today.
Emily: Thank you.

Trousers

Small Plays — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 18:00:25 +0000

Emily: That’s forty five pounds, please.
Croaky-voiced man: Do you mind if I lift my shirt up?
Emily: Well…
Croaky-voiced man: I’ve got a money belt on. I wear it for security these days.
Emily: It’s a good idea.
Croaky-voiced man:I was trying a coat on once, and I walked off to see how it looked in the mirror.
Emily: Right.
Croaky-voiced man: When I got back my coat had gone. With all my money in it. I panicked.
Emily: Well, you would.
Croaky-voiced man: Went home, called the police, but then Marks and Spencer phoned. They had it in lost property.
Emily: Oh good.
Croaky-voiced man: I’d rather lose my trousers than my coat, do you know what I mean?
Emily: I do.

Cough

Small Plays — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 09:56:56 +0000

Girl with ponytail: Do you have books on Africa? (Coughs) Excuse me.
Emily: Yes, we have…
Girl with ponytail: (Coughs) Sorry.
Emily: …a section …
Girl with ponytail: It’s the dust. (Coughs)
Emily: A section here.
Girl with ponytail: No, I mean books on (coughs) teak tables.
Emily: Pardon?
Girl with ponytail: (Coughs) Tea table books?
Emily: I…
Girl with ponytail: Like these. (Points to book)
Emily: You mean coffee table books?
Girl with ponytail: (Coughs)

Transylvanian Ephemera

Small Plays — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:52:16 +0000

Man with wild beard enters shop.
Man with wild beard: There was a book in the window yesterday on Transylvanian Ephemera. Has it sold?
Emily: If it’s not in the window now, I’m afraid it probably has.
Man with wild beard: (Frantically) It’s not in the window?
Emily: I thought you couldn’t see it in the window.
Man with wild beard: I haven’t looked.
Exit Emily.
Pause.
Enter Emily
Emily: It’s still in the window.
Man with wild beard: Ah, good.

Books to Gold

Small Plays — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 12:17:24 +0000

Small Italian girl: Excuse me, a friend tell me one time there is a shop on this street where you can change books to gold.
Emily: Um ….you mean swap books? For money?
Small Italian girl: Yes, swap books.
Zoë: There’s a place in Soho where you can swap books for other books.
Small Italian girl: Yes, swap books for other books. Where is that please?

Shut Up, Peggy

Small Plays — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 21:59:05 +0000

American man in sun visor: Help, help, help, help, help.
Emily: Hi.
American man in sun visor: I’m looking for a book.
Zoë: OK, which one?
American man in sun visor: The Memoirs of Field Marshall Kesselring
Zoë: I’ll just have a look on the catalogue for you. How do you spell that?
American man in sun visor: K – E – S – S – L – R – I – N – G.
Zoë: Nothing’s coming up…
Enter blonde woman with map.
Blonde woman with map: (Loudly) He’s missed out the E.
American man in sun visor: I have not.
Blonde woman with map: You always do.
American man in sun visor: I do not. K – E – S – S – L – R – I – N – G.
Blonde woman with map: There’s another E in there! K – E – S – S – E – L – R – I – N – G.
American man in sun visor: I said that. K – E – S – S – L –
Blonde woman with map: There!
American man in sun visor: Shut up, Peggy.

You can learn something

Small Plays — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 19:30:37 +0000

Weighty man: Can I see that book in the window called Male Oral Love?
Walter: Sure. (Gets out book.)
Weighty man: I’m not a homosexual.
Emily: No?
Weighty man: It just looks fascinating.
Walter: Yes.
Weighty man: You can learn something from anything, can’t you?
Emily: You can.