Learn. Live. Hope.

Sign to stop or Challenge to overcome

2012-11-30T22:15:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wanted something that it is all consuming? It becomes the only you can think about. You spend every minute, planning, preparing, even dreaming about it. The desire borders you hindering your abilities to do anything. You smile when you talk about it. You tell everyone about it. Your excitement draws everyone in.

What about the obstacles that approach it? I have always been a person that believes everything always works out the way it is supposed to. Everything happens for a reason. The eternal optimist. However, I wonder at what point to I keep pushing to persevere and what point I decide it is not meant to be? What signs are they meant to be? It seems like a path of faith. When do you say that it is not mean to be, that this was not the path I should take? What point do I give up my hopes with the knowledge something else is supposed to be my journey.

Every bone in my body tells me this is the path I am meant to take; however, each day and new challenge makes me question if I am just fighting the signs. It makes me wonder every time another problem arises makes me wonder if something greater is telling me that it is a mistake. How do I know what if it is simply part of the journey or a sign it is not meant to be? How do I give up on something I have dreamed of for a very long time? How do I stop trying for something I have already over come so many challenges? How long do I continue to believe the answer will come when it is quickly approaching and more problems than solutions remain? How am I going to make it work?

Am I being selfish? What is this doing to those around me? When are the tears of others trying to help more than it is worth? If this isn't my journey then what is? When am I out of options or the solutions not worth the dream?

Maybe it isn't my once in a lifetime opportunity...maybe I won't regret it if I give it up....maybe it will stop being an obsession...or maybe the answers will come, even if it seems miles away. If I can't handle the airfare then how am I ever supposed to make it work without straining the ones I care most about....the one who has already given me everything? Will going destroy everything else? I

suppose it is irony that a mission trip brings in my largest question of faith and feeling powerless while I wait for the solution.

Roots of Strength.

2012-09-27T22:54:00.002-04:00

On a bus, earplugs in, music on shuffle, staring out the window. Moments pass by and with the time every thought floods the mind. Then suddenly a song surrounds your ears and it is the essence of your thoughts. The culmination of the journey to my life.

It isn't growing up; it is understanding where you came from that makes you into who you will become. It teaches you how to form your own life. My family are my roots. They keep me grounded when things start to blow around me. No matter what strikes me I can overcome it because where and who I come from. I do not have to be alone no matter how far away I go. I know that I have people hoping and loving me. I may fear disappointing others however my personal expectations far exceed their expectations. So long as I do what I love I will never disappoint them. As long as I am me they will support me.

It is not about money, nor status, nor success. It is about making a difference. It is about helping those who cannot help themselves. It is about giving it your all in whatever you do. Never give mediocre performances because others are relying on you. My journey will be an experience but all that matters is that it is helping the underserved and underprivileged. I know in my bones that is what I am meant to do. The journey will not be easy. It will be beyond challenging. It is not the simplest task but it is not supposed to be. My strength will be my roots. The people who held me strong when I fell. Now I need to be the roots for others who do not have that support anywhere else.

Roots Before Branches

So many things to do and say
But I can't seem to find my way
But I wanna know how I know I'm meant for something else
But First I gotta find myself but I don't know how
Oh, why do I reach for the stars when I don't have wings to carry me that far?
I gotta have roots before branches to know who I am before I know who I wanna be
And faith to take chances to live like I see a place in this world for me
Sometimes I don't wanna feel and forget the pain is real
Put my head in the clouds
Oh, start to run and then I fall
Thinking I can't get it all without my feet on the ground
There's always a seed before there's a rose
The more that it rains the more I will grow
Whatever comes I know how to take it
Learn to be strong I won't have to fake it
Oh you're understandin the wind can come and do its best
Blow me north, and south, east, and west but I'll still be standing
I'll be standing

Act of Balancing

2012-09-25T15:36:00.002-04:00

Do you hear the small voice in your head that helps dictate your decisions (no hearing voices), the voice that is your internal guidance? The one that gives you worry, joy, happiness, excitement. It is the one that fills my head with doubt often. There seems to be a continual pendulum of worry. Am I pretending it is all coming together or is? Have I taken on too much or can I handle it? Will it all fall apart in the end like it has previously? How do I know it is all going to work out? When can I get it all settled? Am I falling into old patterns?

We have wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams. The perpetually flow through out mind; however, before we know it another day, month, year has passed us by. We pretend we have all the time in the world but in reality it is the furthest thing from the truth. If we spend it all thinking about eventually getting somewhere we will have lived our lives without actually doing anything. If you don't enjoy what you are doing change it. If you know you are just going through the motions find a passion. If you know that relationship isn't write change it. If you missed an opportunity try and fight to get it back. I am a firm believer everything works itself out; however, we do have to take some responsibility. If we never speak up nothing can change. Truly think about what you want, who you need, and where you are supposed to be. Live every moment while you can. Do not pretend your goals will come true by waiting for it. You have to have responsibility and take control.

I say these words and yet I know I easily fall into old habits. I find procrastination to be simple. Then my mind reminds me that if I stop and breath too long everything I want could easily be lost and there will not be a second chance. If I want what I saw I do then I can't take the time to just relax...because it will slip through my fingers. My old habits will not be enough to achieve all I need to achieve. I have to prove myself not just to myself but to others. Consequently they do have some control over my next steps in life. I must accept responsibility. This being said there are so many pieces that fall into that situation will they all come together?

For example: Rwanda. This is where I want to be. I followed through and found the perfect internship. However, to make the pieces come together my school must approve it. This means nearly perfect grades, a good GPA, and recommendations from my professors. Meanwhile there is the cost. This means working to save money, pay off debt, pay bills. Therefore, working as much as possible. Overall that is exhausting. Then sitting down to focus on school that even the aspects I enjoy grueling...the parts I do not is misery. There is no moment of down time. No moment for play. When those moments are taken then it is money spent and time lost. With that were is the motivation to move in and unpack so the mess piles on. In my mind all that fills is self-doubt and worry. All I want is the yes. The approval. Then I know what I am working towards. The uncertainty brings the question is it worth it. Am I telling people for no reason? Too many stipulations. It is like the cookie jar just out of reach with what you desire most. When is the voice in the head correct? When should it be ignored? Am I pretending to have it all together when it is really out of control? Can I go for what I want and make the rest work itself out?

Self Awareness and Identity

2012-09-18T14:27:00.000-04:00

People say college is the time of self discovery. The place you learn who you are. The time to experience everything. It is the preparation for the adult world. This always seemed true. I learned about myself, made life-long friends, and most importantly earn a solid education. In my mind I was prepared to be an adult. I learned my political beliefs and reassured my morals. Four years well spent.

It was simple I was brought up on mid-west values, had small town exposure, a private school education, a democratic mother and a republican grandfather. I was informed, considerate and compassionate. I prided my self on involvement and activity. According to my society the essence of what a person should be. How could there be room for anymore self identity. Somehow over the past year I have realized how small minded my world truly had been. How I limited myself by my surroundings. My environment dictated my position, my choices, my beliefs. I used to admit I lived three lives: college, camp, and home.

College: conservative, sorority, education, and partying. Camp: liberal, playful, loud, crazy, active. Home: an intermediate of the two and incredibly self-reservered. There were different expectations and acceptances. Now do not get me wrong none of these worlds seemed incomplete. Furthermore, everyone made me perfectly content. It was easy to slip in and out of the various worlds without little thought or collision. Each component giving me a different aspect to life.

Currently a big push in society is global community. The theory is in a global world there should be cultural acceptance and understanding. We focus learning about cultural difference across the world. Yet has it even been stopped to think of the cultural differences within our own society. Sure there are the stereotypes of the "SOUTH" "WEST COAST" "EAST COAST" and "MID WEST" is it ever considered how these stereotypes form a person? Is it the cultural exposure and education that lead to that? Is there more to these unique cultures than just the stereotypes?

Working at camp was my first true exposure to differences and acceptance. Seeing and understanding different cultures nationally and internationally. There was even cultural differences on what was acceptable within different camps based on location. It brought a broader understanding on racial, ethical, sexual, and gender identity differences. An experience that received little knowledge within my hometown or college. Consequently, vastly what was observed in college and home was not always shown with the strongest connotations. The "bible belt" stereotype striking strong. Suddenly bringing light to how little I truly knew. This is not to say my family, friends, or myself were not naturally accepting; however, it is to say that the community as a whole was undereducated on these experiences and rather jaded.

In the process of this and travel with my mother I quickly fell in love with the East Coast. It was suddenly where I yearned to be. Although moving halfway across the country was terrifying I never questioned if I would "fit in." I also lacked incredible knowledge about what the city I was moving to beheld. This for a while was a struggle. It seemed simple to focus on the "East Coast Snobbery," rude drivers, and how private people were. In my mind people came from "Old Money" here and had to have strong conservative viewpoints. It was culture shock to realize how in reality I was close-minded and many of the people I was close to as well.

Suddenly there is a realization how unprepared my mind was. I still had a bountiful amount to learn and identify. This was the reason for how lost the last year felt. There was an overwhelming feeling of not knowing who I was. My worlds had finally all collided and nothing fit completely. It was not my friends or family defining my beliefs and morals. It was my own decisions based on my educations, passions, and ideals. Ironically it is the type of education and exposure you receive that forms your identity. For example last year I went to a party with a friend. There was a lesbian couple at the party who I had worked on a project with present. My friend deduced we must hangout with different people because she didn't want the lesbian couple to have the impression we were a couple. Furthermore, proceeded to throw herself a the guys at the party to ensure no one would make a mistake. Although it was amusing because it had crossed no ones mind at the party except my friend; it also was incredibly frustrating. How could someone I considered my friend be that close-minded?

It was the beginning of a new thought process. Previously I had understood how different cultures, races, and those with various sexual orientation struggled in college and high school; however, it has always "not been my problem." In my mind it did not affect me; however, it should have. We teach girls at camp that standing aside a letting gossip and bullying occur is as bad as being the perpetrator. The city gave me exposure to more than anything my I could experience in my small mid-west communities; however, it is my education that defines the exposure with understanding.

Public Health requires a vast understanding and frankly, an incredibly liberal mindset. However, is all public health education the same? If my education had been in the "SOUTH" "MID WEST" or "WEST COAST" would my opinions be different? Do the political, religious, and cultural beliefs define the education received? Ironically my mother who grew up in the Mid West with her republican father always had the beliefs I finally have come full circle to. Why is it that it took me moving across the country to understand what she always knew? Simple my mother always wanted me to pick my own belief system based on my morals and education.

There must be a movement to find acceptance. Often beliefs are formed due to family beliefs; however, the education system must be able to fill in the blanks left. A person must be able to make their own beliefs based on knowledge and understanding; not because they are told to believe this. A view can only be wrong if it is uneducated. An opinion is personal; however it must be supported by data and fact. Once the data and fact is received there is clarity on what should occur.

When my mother visited she told me she knew I had outgrown my hometown. I did not completely understand. I knew that when I was home I itched and felt out of place. It is the realization that my views not longer collide with my cultural exposure at home. Yet I feel stronger and more sure of myself than ever before. I could fight for my beliefs without tears. I know why I believe what I believe and would support them to any length. It is how I know I want to change the world.

It will be worthwhile

2012-09-17T23:02:00.000-04:00

Do everything in your power to make the difference you intend to make. Do not become so self absorbed, the ambition to change the world is over come by selfish moments in the present. This is a constant reminder. The sacrifices made are for a reason. To achieve anything there are other situations that must be passed along. Move forward and move on. Go for what you want no matter the costs.

I look back at my day to day life. I question if I am making the right choices. Am I simply choosing to work hours for no reason? Then I remember what I want. What I need to do to achieve this. I sacrifice to achieve. Am I missing out? Is it pathetic to not feel like I am missing anything? To have outgrown the social aspect of life? I work, do homework, go to school, and sleep. This is the essence of me. Yet I am not dissatisfied. I am content. Periodically I want more. Periodically I question my choices. But the innate feeling inside pushes me forward. Stay focused there is too much at stake. This is my chance to change the world.

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfis. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."--Apple Inc.

Do Something. Do Anything Don't Stop

2012-09-12T23:08:00.000-04:00

We move about from day to day. Simply living not completely comprehending. Often times we look for goals or we keep our head down and hope to go unnoticed. We take advantage of time we assume we have, advantage of the possibilities we assume eventually we will achieve. The saying "Stop and Smell the Roses" essentially needs to be engrained on the eyelids of every person. Do you take the time to stop for anything? Do you take the little minutes to enjoy what you have?

Some may say their life is far from what they want it to be. They know it can be better. Nevertheless, life is what you make it. Sure striving for more is never a bad thing; however, you do need to take a moment and embrace everything you already have accomplished. Enjoy the sun shining on your face and the knowledge you are slowly but surly living your dream. If you feel you will never achieve your dream or you have settled for less than what you deserve then do something about it. Go out and achieve what you want.

So often we sit and wonder what if. We dwell on the past. We keep hoping for someday. Someday is today. Do not just idly sit back and watch life pass you by. Do not ignore possibilities. If you are holding back something you need to tell someone, say it. Life is too short to just wait for an opportunity. You never know when you are having your last conversation with someone. You never know when life can change. It all can happen in an instant.

People may look at you in confusion as you pack your bags for your next big adventure; however smile an internal smile and know you are taking a chance. If there is was no risk in life it is dull and meaningless. Memories last a lifetime; money only funds the memories. Living life wealthy in misery is far worse than living poor and happy. Do not live selfishly but rather selflessly. Make a difference to someone. Save the world one person at a time.

Do something. Do anything. Do not let the world and time move forward without you Do not waste the moments you have. Embrace your time. Enjoy what you have while you have it. We only have this one life, make the most of it.

"Opportunities do not come with their values stamped upon them. Everyone must be challenged. A day dawns, quite like other days; in it a single hour comes, quite like other hours; but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us."

The Mind

2012-09-09T19:02:00.001-04:00

Does the mind ever shut down? Does it always feel as if it runs faster than the speed of light? Mine quickly jumps from thought to thought constantly bringing up another anxiety, memory, want or need. It often yells louder than the outside world. It makes me feel out of control because the unending lists it continues to make.

One second my mind is thinking of how things once were. What I was doing a year ago and the year before that. It compares itself to previous times. Always analyzing if success is reached. Moments it misses what I once had and other seconds it is dreaming of what is yet to come. The mind is a complex place. If someone could ever read mine it would be a jumbled mess of half thoughts forgotten in the race of life.

The mind is the Energizer bunny that truly never stops going and going. Often times I wish for just second it could shut up and I could just be. The more silence that surrounds me the more my mind speaks to me. Often times only leaving me more confused than before. It seems to have little direction or understanding of where it is leading me.

Settling In

2012-09-07T11:53:00.002-04:00

When did life become such a whirlwind affair? Just as things feel secure it is time to pick up and go again. It is total by life choice and ever exciting; however, do is it add an unending anxiety? Do things ever work out according to plan or is it my duty to have to always take the long way to a solution? If things were simple they by far would not be the story of my life.

Where is home? What is home? Is it a place or a feeling? With constant movement over the past year it feels like a nomadic life. Knowing I have people in places is reassuring Nevertheless, it does contain a moment of realization when you stopped caring for the significantly close bonds because you know they are elsewhere. Would it be easier to create them? Is it pointless when the knowledge you are leaving in just a short while?

Do you realize how much precious time is simply wasted in a day? An hour of transportation there, 30 minutes of idle laziness there, 45 minutes watching mindless television...before it can be realized a day is completed. What has be truly accomplished? How can it be it can take me as long to go from class to my apartment in a day as it did to drive home from college in undergraduate; however, it seems like nothing now? How did we change to not being bothered to waste time. Are we wasting life away? Should we be doing something bigger?

Which life am I biding time away at? Sometimes it feels after I sit in one chapter of my life twiddling my thumbs waiting for the next chapter. As if the time spent now is just filler until the next part. That should not be a way to live life. Why is it that the mind forces you to always want more and want different? When do we become satisfied? When do we feel complete? How do we know what we are looking for? When do you feel like you have reached the finished line and can just sit back and enjoy the glory? Furthermore, when do you stop looking at others and wondering how they do not want more? It is not jealous, it is a misunderstanding. In my mind it is hard to understand how people can be satisfied settling for what their life is...not striving to do more. Do not all people have that hunger, that thirst, that need for more?

The world seems full of possibilities. Continually forcing a list into my head of things I need to see, do, become. Is the list too large? Is it possible to be anything like are parents once told us? Do we at some point have to settle and stop searching? How can people at my age feel like it is time to already give up and assume that is all there is? If only I knew how to shut my mind off and settle for just being; yet I do not think that would make me happy. Dreaming of possibilities and the future makes each day exciting. I want to leave an impact on the world.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason...if you get a chance-take it; if it changes your life-let it. Nobody said that it would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it."

It is Offical

2012-06-03T09:34:00.000-04:00

Today is the day. It all starts now. It has simply been the four administration staff at camp. Of course we have been busy all day everyday. Nevertheless, it has been a slight alternate reality. It was as if the four of us were stranded on a deserted island. Preparing for our "children" to arrive. Ready or not they start arriving today. There is no turning back and it is time to fake it until we make it.

I feel the anxiety inside intertwined with excitement. It is like the first day of school when you are a child. New people. New dynamics. Unsure of what will happen. Will you succeed? Will you fall on your face? Will you have the same friends? Will everyone work well together? Is it all going to fit in the vision we have been creating in our minds for the past year?

There is now a whole other aspect to this. Not being just a staff member there are so many more concerns and finite details. Things that you would never expect to encounter. Things you never imagine to be handling. Those add a new element of concern and wonder. Today is as if the first piece of the puzzle is being set on the board after months of sorting pieces. Each day from here is where we put all the pieces together.

Ready or not hear we go. Summer 2012 is just beginning.

Feet Back On the Ground

2012-05-30T14:21:00.002-04:00

Radio blasted. Miles driven. Pull into home. At least the thing that feels most like home anymore. The only consistent place in the past few years. There is a sense of stability, familiarity, security, and most of all reassurance. Something in life that seems together. Something that does not make you feel powerless in the world. That is the feelings that cross my mind as I enter the gates. I leave the rest of the world behind. Try and return to the person I was when I was here.

If I can just focus on this maybe everything spiraling out of control will somehow fall into place. Get just one thing right and I will feel like who I am supposed to be. Something I know I will not fail at. Something to bring me back to reality. If only it was really true things could remain the same. Friends change, feelings change, dynamics change. This all leaves a question in the mind. Will that affect your success? Will you be able to control the emotions? Can you push certain questions to back to your mind? Can you forget all the outside world problems? Will it all really come together? Are you any better off? Can you turn off your mind just a minute? How do you accept the differences and embrace the goodness coming out of it? Just breath. Let the anxieties cease. People put their faith into you for a reason everything else does not really matter. Those thoughts are not the reasons for being here or have anything to do with the situations at hand.

One step at a time. Realize your feet are back on the ground. They may have hit it running but they can touch and feel it. This is one place you do know what you are doing. This is one place you can keep it together. One place free to be whoever you want to be. Enjoy it while it lasts. Prove to yourself you still can be you. Blast the radio. Drive the miles. Come home. Remember this is your family. They make you smile, laugh, cry, scream, jump, and work you harder than anything you have ever experienced. That is what it is all about. Turn the mind off and get to work.

Realization

2012-05-20T22:25:00.001-04:00

The last box was loaded into the truck. One look around and the place was as empty as it started nine months ago. Yet there was far from the same feelings as the door swung shut and locked behind me. What a whirlwind of emotions it has been. How can it be a year already? Why is life passing by so quickly?

There was anticipation, excitement, and a stomach full of knots as I picked up the keys to my first real apartment. It was all mine. It was my home in a brand new city. I could not stop grinning as I unlocked the door and awaited my palace. My mouth instantly dropped as the door swung open. What was this dump I was spending an absorbent amount of money on? This was not going to work. Tears flirted around my eyes. I was utterly ashamed of the tiny, dinky, old apartment I was going to be residing in. How would any one ever enjoy my place? How could I show my family my success if I lived in a gross apartment?

The boxes arrived. Ikea became my new best friend. The drab walls filled with pictures. The furniture fit quaintly into the room. Suddenly before my eyes the apartment had a look. It no longer was horrid. It was livable to say the least. As time progressed that feeling of livable became love. It was my home and I was proud of it. Even when the windows break; the toilet runs incessantly; there is an uneven stream of hot and cold water in the shower; and a pet mouse they were my problems in my home. The quarks that make the place unique.

As the curtains came down and the boxes filled something felt incomplete. Looking around the empty room was sad. It was not that the apartment appeared grotesque like my first encounter. I was giving away my home. I was giving away the perfect place. A place I found to be beautiful. A place that was my safe haven in a confusing city. It brings realization that time passes too quickly.

Am I the same girl that entered the "big city?" What direction will I head now? Is it already time for a new adventure? Everyone says that the girl that entered the city nine months ago is not the same person leaving. It is hard to say. If anything the world only seems more confusing. Less guided. Less focused. It opened my mind to a world of possibilities. The possibilities are overwhelming. Yet I learned through all the missteps this past year it truly does turn itself into the best situation.

Instead of the strict life plan I created many years ago I have begun to bushwhack a new path. It is beyond terrifying. Yet it is apparent the strict road I created no longer fits. I cannot depend on a strict plan. There must be flexibility, thrill, excitement, and an open mind. Only with that realization will I be guided into whatever my life is meant to be. I must cease opportunity because in an instant it could all be taken away. The people I love will love me so long as I am doing what makes me happy not what is I feel is expected. I must be my own person even when I am not sure who that person may be.

I do not know if I have changed for better or for worse. I do not know what I have changed into or exactly how I have changed. I barely can comprehend that this year has passed. I do know that I am only more excited for the next chapter whatever it may bring.

Take control

2012-05-18T23:16:00.001-04:00

People cannot control me. They cannot make my life choices for me. Every thing that occurs in my life is by my accord. There maybe some things that are destiny however; other people are not the deciding factor on how I handle the situation. No one has that right. No one can take away my freedom of choice or my free will. They do not have the right to make me feel inadequate or inept.

Every person has the ability to be strong, courageous, brave, powerful, intelligent, adventurous, or any other adjective he or she chooses. If others being to control you then you lose this ability. Ultimately losing yourself, breaking your spirit, and becoming someone you cannot even recognize. Waiting for an answer from someone else is not going to solve the problems that you carry on your shoulders. Only you yourself can do this. Do not believe I feel you must carry a burden alone.

There is a vast difference from a support system and a controlling system. One must be able to recognize this. A support system is vital to survival. These are the people you can be vulnerable with. People that will love you no matter the choices you make. They hold your hand when you are at your lowest. They carry you up the mountain when your legs give away. These people are the people that draw you out of darkness. A controlling system draws you into darkness. They create a monster from the person you once were. They cause you to question your abilities, your knowledge, and your own strength. They make you feel powerless. If you lose control it is a slippery slope down hill. The world beings to crumble around you.

Take control. Make your own decisions. Take responsibility for mistakes. Ask for help. Do not let your world spiral out of control. When it spirals is it hard to reign it back in. Step back from the situation and look with fresh eyes. Do not be afraid to breath and accept that you may not be prepared for what lays ahead. It is okay to be scared; however, it is not okay to run from the fear.

Often times we act in opposition of a suggestion of command simple because the person giving the directions has not earned trust or seems to not be looking at you as an individual. This creates rash choices with usually severe consequences. The harder an individual is pushed the worse the retaliation. There is little thought over what actually may be best or where that path will lead. Sadly, it makes all other suggestion go unheard. This is human instinct. The essence of reverse psychology. People feel if their freedom is being taken then they must fight with all their heart to keep that said freedom. This has benefits and drawbacks.

By standing and fighting for your rights you are not allowing yourself to be controlled. You are not allowing someone to break you. However, you may not be doing what is ultimately the correct choice for you. It may not be what you feel is best. Furthermore, it may only cause more unwanted stress. This is the moment to step back from the situation and look at what your feelings tell you. That is how you truly take control.

Do not feel that by succumbing to the suggestion is admitting defeat. You must come to terms with an idea on your own. It must be something you know is the right thing to do. Moreover, if you mind says the suggestion is the right thing to do; do not purposely fight it because it was an unwanted suggestion.

Once you have made your own decision, once you have stopped waiting for others to decide, once you have come to terms with the outcome you want, then there is a release inside. It is as if the pressure in a tire is slowing being let out. There is an ability to breath. There is return of your power, your strength, and your focus. The pieces fit together and life seems as normal as a life can be. Sometimes it is hard to stay in control. Sometimes it is hard to admit defeat. Life is not in control you are, therefore take it.

Dazed and Confused

2012-05-16T11:06:00.000-04:00

The story of a life. There are always ups and downs. Nevertheless it always feels like when it rains it pours. This downpour however last for days on end. There seems to be no release. How is it so many things can occur at once. Does luck exist? If not how to do you explain good and bad things that occur randomly and unexpectedly? Is there always an uphill climb? Do we thrive on drama and problems? Would life be dull without stress?

Holding it all together

2012-05-12T15:28:00.001-04:00

You just keep picking things up and holding on to them. Your arms being to hold a large load and little pieces being to drop unnoticed. Your arms are stretched so far you can feel the pull between your shoulder blades. Then the seams burst and it all comes tumbling to the floor. There is a larger mess than what began. This is what always seems to happen.

A smile remains on your face. Constantly pretending it is all together while secretly feeling like you are drowning. One day you can no longer can contain yourself. You lose it and there is no turning back. The bottle has exploded and the aftermath is all that remains. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so hard for mankind to simply ask for help? Why do we put on a viscid to all?

I know I think if I pretend that is all okay to people it helps me keep the ideal that it will all be okay. That eternal optimism I try to grasp so desperately. Believing if I lose control for just a second then I am succumbing to defeat. That being vulnerable is weak, furthermore, that I should be able to bear any burden. Why should I not be able to? Have I not dealt with much greater sorrows in life? Often I feel that crumbling over petty things is beneath me. That I have experienced too many other things in life to let the little things keep me down. Thus I let the situations build. Pretending the stress is in control. Pretending I can handle it all. That is until the weight is too heavy, the anxiety overwhelming and I break.

However, I break still trying to grasp for control. Trying to not let others observe this moment. Ashamed when they see the smile falter from my face. Attempting to turn attention elsewhere. Why is it that it is difficult to ask for help? Why is it difficult to show stress and anxiety? In reality that simple hug, piece of advice, helping hand, acknowledgement it is a lot makes it so much easier. That release of the eternal emotions is revitalizing. It it like slowly releasing the air from a ballon that was too full. It finally feels like I will not burst. Yet I still remain the same. I still do the same thing perpetually. Occasionally releasing the emotions to a few granted permission, yet feeling embarrassed to make someone listen to me. Why is it easier to put your problems on the back burner and deal with other peoples? Why does it have to be a one sided relationship? Is there a balance?

Do we pretend because if we pretend it will all work out? Is it the automatic light in my head that says everything happens for a reason and works the way it is supposed to be? Does this just keep me going? When did I become such a "yes man" that I could never say no, never take time for myself, never prioritize my needs? Where is the line?

1.2.3 breath and it will work out. It is okay to lose it every once in a while. Bottling it inside only creates more anxiety.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the thing I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace..."

That seems to play in my head a lot these days. It is true for anyone. Sometimes we just have to have a little patience and realization. Things could be much worse than they are. Someone else is having a worse time than I am. Furthermore, every action in life makes us a little stronger and guide us to our life path.

It was over before it began

2012-05-09T21:48:00.003-04:00

Look back to a year ago. What were you doing? Does it seem that it could have already been a year? Have you accomplished your goals? Are you doing what you want? Have you become a better person? What's missing? Are there regrets? Have you learned anything?

Every minute passes by so quickly. Shocking that a year can end before it felt like it really started. Planning and prepping for the future over takes time. Money spent and lost. Nothing really changes when everything appears to change. In reality everything is always the same. How can we progress when our minds do not progress.

The quickest year went by. The world was shaken but I came walking out dazed and confused. What have I been doing? How is it over? What should be next? What should I be doing? Where am I going? Why does it feel incomplete? How did I miss my opportunity before I knew it was there?

Running Out of Time

2012-04-30T22:38:00.001-04:00

Chaos, drama, stress, pressure these seem to be where I thrive. At least to the outside world people would assume it is where I automatically go. In honesty it seems to be the only way I function. Nevertheless, it is not the place I enjoy. The constant anxiety. The feeling that in an instant every strategically placed card could fall destroying the dramatically designed card house I created. I hate the fear. I hate the tightness in my chest. How do I always end up in this position. Why do I fail to learn from previous mistakes? How do I stop the cycle?

It feels impossible to complete everything that needs to be done; however, still can not finish everything I started. No one can fix the situation. No one can be here to finish the projects. Alone in a world full of people. Knowing all care but knowing it is time to accept responsibility. Realization time passes, we age,there is not floating by. Do not just pretend to be the person you are, accept it, embrace it, and work with it.

Tug of War

2012-04-24T19:35:00.001-04:00

It was as if I stepped back into time. Picking up where it left off. For just a few short days it was as if in the past year my whole world had not changed. It as reassuring to know that friendships can outlast distance and that even as time passes the dynamics do not. Nevertheless, there was an innate feeling of sadness, nostalgia, confusion.

It seemed that the feeling of homesickness had long dissipated. Contentment of life and knowledge of the right decision. Then in a moment you can return to missing everything that had been before. All of us had been prepared to move on. Strong desire to try something new. A year later and it seems as if it would be easier to return to before. Missing the people that have been there nonstop for years. Suddenly the need for their personal connection is all that enters the mind. It was truly as if time was frozen for a weekend.

Returning to reality was difficult. It has been before as your transition from school life to home life to summer life. This difficulty is usually due to extended periods of time. This simple 72 hours journey left me muddled and anxious. Dreading the looming responsibility. Knowledge that all that awaited was responsibility and to-do lists. The need for time to pass quickly.

These past few months have flown by. Blinking eyes and it was time to progress to something new. Now I am torn. I am anticipating the return of one of my "homes" but the need to put the breaks on to finish everything. Anxiety understands it all seems to have gotten away from me. Without realizing it I have fallen extremely behind. Going from consistency to mess. Organization to clutter. Structure to Chaos.

The internal tug of war of where to belong only continues. The love for new adventures but the urge to have those you care for close by. Feelings that both places are slightly fractured and incomplete. Will there be a time that you have it all? That life is not out of balance? How is it that no matter where you are something is consuming you?

Enjoy the moment or expect the unexpected?

2012-04-17T15:48:00.000-04:00

The light at the dark tunnel is reached. The sun beams down and days seem perfect. It is as if every choice made leads us to moments just as this. Happiness flows through the body and brings nothing but smiles. Every problem dissipates for the instant and the moment only matters. One instant moment can last a lifetime. It has the ability to create an obsession. There becomes an innate need to cling to the moment; cherish the feelings that are released. If you look back all that you can do is grin to the private moment you are having. A moment only you can completely understand. This feeling is attainable. It gives the essence that without it you are incomplete. That every moment before was leading to this memory.

Do you take the opportunity to embrace these sensations? Can you overcome the anxiety that the perfect instant could be fleeting? Do you analyze all the short comings the moment has? Do you question that the challenges will return? That the problems still exists even if temporarily forgotten. That although it appears like perfection there is still holes and fractures. That there is missing components. That the true achievement is not there. That nothing is truly perfect. Does the eternal optimism within is become out weighted by natural pessimism? Can you balance the knowledge you are still searching for more while enjoying the little moments? Do you wish for previous perfect moments that may never return? Will you always miss the little moments?

How do you enjoy the perfect moments? How do you move past the previous perfect moments? Do you always question if you will remain this happy or how happy you were before? How do you embrace your past, live in the present, and look to the future? Do you lose yourself somewhere along the lines?

These questions flood the mind. Constant speeds. Perpetually racing in the mind. Trying to love the perfect moments, cling to old memories, and look forward to what is yet to come. It seems to be a constant battle. When the sun beams in after a dark tunnel there is the sensation that even if the moments are fleeting the instant is worth everything. It gives the idea to cease every chance, every instant, every emotion. If you do not you will always wonder what could have been. Find a way to live in the moment. Do not dwell on the what if or the what could have/should have been. It will not help you find happiness.

Lost with no direction and it is okay

2012-04-11T10:24:00.000-04:00

One step at a time we move forward. Constant quick pace. Never allowing for time to stop and think. It is okay. It is all I have ever known and rarely willing to alter. If there is a lapse in time it seems as if the earth will crumble beneath me. If I just keep moving everything will stay the same. In reality if you look behind you and look ahead nothing is the same nor will it ever be.

Every decision we make slightly changes the direction life is heading. The more quick steps taken the more change made in a short period of time. At first look change was terrifying. Now it seems to be an addiction. A constant craving. As if a consistency would mean lethargy. This addiction however does not come without consequence. There is a feeling of instability and if I create something stable it is pointless because it will have to come to an end. The knowledge that change causes some good things have a finish line creates hesitation. Do I sit and enjoy them while they last or not even bother because I have to reach that finish line eventually? I have tried both and neither seem completely satisfying. Starting something with a defined endpoint can be difficult when the end arrives and the feeling that there is an unfinished story. However the experience of never experiencing it is full of regret. A constant wonder of what if remains in the mind. Furthermore, if it is not experienced then how do you live in the present? How do you enjoy the current life adventures? Is there balance to a life at full speed ahead? Is it too selfish of a life? Will down the road it leave you alone?

For a person that feared change as a child, who in fact panicked with the smallest alteration in a tradition, seems to have changed in certain aspects making myself almost unrecognizable. Now this is not in morals, beliefs, or the understanding of right or wrong by any means. This does mean in who I expected to become. If asked as child what I would be doing what my life currently this would have been the response: Attending medical school; getting married; preparing for a family; settling in Harrisonville; and still seeing all my high school friends every weekend. Furthermore never would I have: joined a sorority; moved away from my small town with no intention of returning to live; be considering not going to medical school; travel to a foreign country alone; work at camps for five years; be more interested in traveling the world, saving lives, and having new experiences than starting a family and growing up; and ultimately not having a life plan only dreams. It truly is the first time I have not been so focused on my goals that it consumes me.

My entire life was consumed with attending medical school. I truly believed it was the only thing I wanted. Also if that if I did not achieve this goal I would be a disappointment to those that loved me and wanted me to achieve my goal. When it was time to achieve this goal suddenly it did not seem like the right fit. As if I had been on a path that I never considered to be the wrong path. Never making a back up plan. This was difficult. What was I going to do? Was I failure? Was I simply too afraid to try and achieve the goal? A year later from this realization and I now know the truth. It is okay to change your mind. To create new dreams. To not be who you told everyone you were going to be if the new direction makes you happier. The ones who love you will always love you. Most importantly just because it was your dream since you were three does not mean that when you have developed into the person you are that the same dream fits.

Ultimately embracing this understanding has made me into a better person even if it is confusing. I am 23 years old and it is okay I do not know where I am heading. Some people know what they want and that is great. However, I still have time. If I attend medical school that is fine but for now it is not for me. Furthermore, even though it seems many of my friends have marriage on their mind it is okay it is not my priority. I do not have to be what is expected of me but rather who I want to be. That is the person people want to be friends with. Whoever I am is who they will love.

Therefore, I do not have a goal simply guidelines:
1) Make a difference in the world (no it does not have to be recognizable to everyone but to an individual is fine)
2) Try to help someone everyday
3) Try anything once
4) Stand by my morals and do not let others make me question them
5) Always look to the bright side of the situation. Just because something is challenging does not mean it will beat me.

I have a to do list in life. Currently they can not all be done at once. I do not have the ability to do them all at once. I may question the decisions I make; however I need to know if I do not do what I feel is right I will always wonder. Everything happens for a reason and helps guide me to who I will be. Stop wondering where I am going and simply be who I feel is like the person I need to be. I can be lost with out direction because there will always be a light to follow. Change can be good and important.

Blink of an Eye

2012-04-04T14:30:00.002-04:00

Everything changes, everything progresses. One moment you are looking forward to the future the next missing the past. They say the grass is greener on the other side but yet no one is ever satisfied with that side. It is innate feeling that there is always something better. Sometimes it feels as if your feet are burrowed in the sand and there is no movement in either direction. Others seem to progress but you seem stuck. Forced to move forward but unprepared.

The luck never comes at the right moments. One thing piling on top of the other. One mess after another. Squinting hard can show a slight glimmer of excitement but there are all the mountains to climb to get there. Would it not be easier just to have the answers an know what to look for? What to hope for? What to focus on? Where the disappointment will appear and what happens afterwards? What people expect? How people will act? What people are thinking but not saying? Would this not make everything have a clear answer, a crystal understanding, better dynamics?

People seem to feel being honest because it may make the situation uncomfortable or hurt another person's feelings. Nevertheless, in the end it is far worse to just let the problem fester. One party makes assumptions and the other bottles thoughts. This only leads to complications. A straight forward blunt answer may seem hurtful but it does not leave the scar. I know personally I tend to struggle with this thought, yet when others do it to me it frustrates me to no end. Don't play games be honest. It is the only way to achieve what you want, know the other person's thoughts, and to pick up the pieces and start over. Cracks are almost worse than breaks because cracks cause crumbles that cannot be fixed. Why does society imply the importance is the acceptance of others? This becomes primary focus and no one acts themselves.

Find what makes you happy. Be who makes you happy. Figure out how to let go of the thoughts weighing down in your mind. Do not avoid. Face the problems and come out on the other side as a stronger individual.

"Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow"--Albert Einstein

Two Steps Forward One Step Back

2012-03-28T18:30:00.002-04:00

Well at least it seems life has quickly progressed from a stand-still to movement. Although just as things come together others seem to fall apart. Always the way it seems to work. It keeps things interesting, stressful, exciting, and unending. Sadly, however, it can make a bad day worse. You just have to keep pushing to make it happen. Even if you take two steps forward and one step back it is slight progress.

The list of things seems to grow at an unending rate and the problems constantly tripping. Just find one thing to smile about and it makes the rest go away. This has been a roller coaster of a week with extreme highs and lows and very little in between. The focus on what is yet to come. It makes everything else seem less of a burden. The knowledge that people are only a phone call away makes it better. Even though they can not fix the problems it still makes it better.

Who knew the adult world could be so expensive. This week alone the expenses made me want to cry:
New Car Window: $383
Hospital Bills from ear Infection (they apparently did not get processed earlier like I thought): $1010
Vaccinations (only the start): $485

Ironically $1500 of this actually is not going to go through because my wallet disappeared along with all my credit cards, social security card, driver's license, and red cross certifications. So when all of those go through and the card will be declined thinking I am not paying the bills. This all was going on credit cards with the realization there went everything I had saved. How does it work this way? This doesn't even touch the other costs coming up and I already have. Is there any way to get ahead? How do can you make it all work? Some days the hours of work seem to be pointless. And the hopes of everything else seem nearly impossible? Will I be able to make it all work? Will I get to do my dream and goal.

As all this races through the mind other issues arise. There is studying and taking midterms which finally were completed today. Then the matter of the lost wallet. With this I lost everything. The American Red Cross cannot find me anywhere in there system; paperwork and fees for new driver's license and social security card; and canceling the credit cards. The irony I am more disappointed I had a free movie ticket and my rewards cards are all missing. Those of course cannot be replaced and that is what is disappointing about them.

It felt as it was all coming together then reality occurred it seems all so unrealistic. Which path do you take? Do you agree to accept the challenges and have the faith it will all work out? Do you decide it is not practical and go in another direction? I am just going to hold on to the belief it will all work out because no matter the crazy adventures and situations I become involved in they seem to happen for a reason and work out.

Spinning Circles

2012-03-26T14:13:00.002-04:00

You move and move at an unprecedented speed. People around you stand in awe wondering how it is possible. Little do they realize although it appears there is a plethora of activity, little time, little sleep, and a constant to do list there is also little progression. It is as if everything is a blur that causes people believe it is all together.

One false step in the wrong direction and the scale is far from balanced. Everything comes crumbling over. Climbing slightly higher hoping the problems disappear over-time. Never really fixes all the issues. A face appearing to have it all together while feeling as if in a second it all could crumble. Often times it as if I am a dog chasing its tail and never successfully catching it. How do you not only appear to have it all together and actually have it all together? Is there ever a peaceful moment without anxiety over the next thing coming? A moment to catch your breath? A second where there is not something gnawing at your mind? Would I know how to be happy if there was not these continual feelings?

Frozen In Time

2012-03-20T20:03:00.002-04:00

A stand still. Everything put on pause. There is no going back and really no moving forward. It might be the moments when everything things feels the uneasiest. The settling into a decision and waiting for an outcome. Unsure if your instincts have led you astray while knowing it will all turn out.

Being a naturally optimistic worrisome person sometimes can be challenging. It is as if there is a constant internal battle within my mind. The optimistic viewpoints knows that everything will turn out. No matter the problems I face the outcome always betters me and is exactly what I need. Nevertheless, the worrisome anxious other half questions every decision. My only saving grace is my stubbornness that refuses to allow me change my mind once I make the decision.

Every decision from the giant ones to the little ones seem to take bountiful initial thought, a sudden shove, and a random decision. If given ample time I will never make the choice. I need a deadline. The final choice will never be made until the moment of the deadline. It is literally how my entire life seems to work. At a restaurant I never know what meal I will order until the words leave my mouth to the waiter, I choose BU on the day the tuition deposit was required, only made the final decision about moving out of my apartment when the landlord called asking my choice, picked out what car to buy as the dealership was closing, and decided to take my car to Boston two weeks before I moved. I am fairly certain it is the only way I progress and change. If left to my own devices I would be in a constant frozen state.

This randomness however, can make my mind turn circles and my stomach have butterflies if left in the "frozen state" for extended periods of time. Once I have made a decision two things must occur: First I must be able to make all the preparations I am able to at that time period. I need to leave things in a settled state of mind and no loose ends can occur. The second is to put the situation out of sight and out of mind until time of action must occur. If these two steps can not occur I leave in a random state of mind that leaves me feeling unsettled and questioning my decisions. I cannot be given great time to think over a situation or I regret my choices (even if I can not yet see the outcome or change the situation).

The frozen state is a difficult place. There is a knowledge that I must remain calm and understand things take time. Whatever is supposed to occur will be the best results. However, I feel an urgency to make plans and settle into a new routine. There is a need to be able to plan to be excited for something. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to rapidly be approaching but I need brakes because I can not see what happens when the end is reached. The optimism seems to make constant attempts to calm the worry. How has everything passed by so quickly?

At the finish line or just the starting lineup?

2012-03-18T13:41:00.003-04:00

Seasons change, time passes and everything seems to come full circle. Or is that how it really works? Anticipation for what is to come, countdowns to finishing upcoming events, enjoyment of vacation. All emotions felt as the spring approaches and the windows are flung up for the fresh air. Yet it brings a strong sensation of anxiety as knowledge of change is once again about to come.

Spring is this exciting time. It is were the warmth comes, new flowers, ample time outdoors, the ending of semesters, and the quick approach of summer (my favorite time of year). However with this it no longer just the enjoyment of summer vacation. It is the planning of moving, the packing, settling accounts, making travel arrangements; ultimately uprooting life once again. In the past 5 years that seems to be what spring truly represents. Sadly, taking away from the enjoyment of a simple spring day.

It started with just planning and arranging dorm move out, summer jobs, picking classes for the following fall, finding roommates, and making new living arrangements. Then it progressed to storage units, moving trucks, apartment hunting, travel plans, graduate school choices, finals, camp, and graduation. Now it is packing up an apartment that really just was finished unpacking, planning camp, figuring out new living situations, storage, dates, quitting jobs, selling cars, writing papers, meetings, financial aid, and ultimately not just planning for a summer but so much more. Nevertheless, the planning is at a constant standstill of uncertainty. Without knowledge of when I will be back, what I need, where I am going I can not move forward with the planning.

Instead preparation knots fill my stomach and the only thing of concentration is the problem. Do I need an apartment for September, January, or May? When should I start packing? When am I leaving? Will I be back in the fall? Do I need to start arranging for Visas, booking flights, saving that money? When will I be home? What will I do with everything I own? What can I afford? How will this work for school? What do I need to do to arrange everything? What if it all falls through? Will I still have a job? Should I be apartment hunting? Should I have renewed my lease?

Change use to the thing I feared most. Now it is what I find exciting. It is what I look forward to, anticipate, need to revitalize when everything else is burning me out. However, with big change I need time, planning, coping. I need to know that there is a plan even if that plan gets messed up. Without the ability to plan and arrange it seems stressful, terrifying and confusing. I look into the future and I no longer know what I see. That scares me. The girl with all the plans does not have any more. What does this mean?

My head has ideas, dreams, goals, wants, and needs. But there is not a clear path anymore and it seems difficult to figure out which one to take as they all lead to different outcomes and possibilities. So I wait. I stand at the line unsure what it will bring, where it will go, what it will do. It is actually invigorating to only have possibilities and not black and white solutions.

Restlessness

2012-03-12T22:39:00.001-04:00

Antsy, pacing, dizzy, anxious, mesmerized, fidgety, lackadaisical, nervous, lazy, and yet the mind never turning off. There is feeling of unease and peace simultaneously. How does this occur? How can you feel so many things in one week, day, hour, or more so in a second? Far from extreme emotions just the constant feeling of restlessness. The question is why so restless?

Has it become that the constant change, challenge, and pace makes anything of consistency dull? Is it the inability to take time to truly settle? The busy monotonous days filled with the constant concentration on work, money, bills, and savings finally straining the mind? Is it the excitement for the future? A culmination of everything? Is this the feeling of adulthood or just the current circumstance?

For as long as I can remember I have known what I was going to major in college, do for a living, when to marry, have children, who to be when I grew up. With every passing day I feel more resistance to this plan. More need to explore, travel, and dream. Where is the balance? How do you dream and live in the present. Enjoy being "young, and wild, and free" while earning a living an saving for the future? Is there always going to be a feeling of restlessness? Is it a current situation or will I always grow bored of the current situation. My short attention span seems to continually make me bored.

Rarely do I find something that continually challenges me, excites me, and most of all is far from monotonous. When it is found it is like an addiction to hold on. Sacrificing to keep that life, searching for continuation, loving every second of it, utilizing it as a beacon of hope when everything else seems unending. Will that need always be there? When will it feel like I am doing something fulfilling with me life?