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2017-02-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

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Holy Crap North Carolina! WTF!?!

2012-05-18T12:58:00.001-04:00

Snow’s Cut, Under the Bridge. This morning a lesbian couple woke up to find that their relationship had been nullified. Jean and Sid Barca of Wilmington reported that the nullification process had already begun in the home right after the votes were counted, passing Amendment One to North Carolina’s constitution.

“This morning when I rolled over to Sid’s side of the bed to give her a good morning kiss, I was repelled by some invisible force. It was like someone had erected an invisible shield right down the center of our bed!

“I could see her, but I couldn’t touch her. Couldn’t kiss her. Couldn’t even hear her yawn or scream when she stretched out her arms and her hand hit the barrier.” Jean shook her head in dismay before continuing.

“She was so startled that she fell right out of bed. I was pounding on the barrier and asking if she was alright, but she couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear her.

“As we moved through the house, this invisible force field seemed to push us away from one another. Then strangely, as I picked up my copy of Curve Magazine, I was really turned off by the lesbian couple on the cover. I found myself wishing that there was a heterosexual couple on the cover, you know one man and one woman.

“I could see Sid and suddenly wished she were a man. I wanted a man! I couldn’t believe it. I wished my wife of 17 years was a man! The sight of her pajama top clinging to her breasts made me avert my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. I knew right away that I had to make some serious changes to my life, and that those changes wouldn’t include Sid.”

A tall woman with auburn hair came into the room in the middle of our conversation and sat down on the couch beside Jean. She lovingly place her hand on Jean’s knee. I could feel the blood draining from my face when I realized that I had been had.

“Jean,” the other woman said. “You are such a liar!”

A smirk appeared on Jean’s face.

“Listen,” I said rather defensively. “I was just trying to get a reaction from the gay and lesbian community about the passage of Amendment One. There’s no need in making me out to be a fool.”

Jean began to laugh and the other woman whom I presumed to be Sid said, “She can be such a bitch and sadly she thinks it is all for a good laugh. I don’t know anything about other couples, and I can only speak for myself, but this morning started out like every other morning. Jean crowded me on my side of the bed until I started into the most intense searing hot flash I had had in a long time. That is why I fell out of bed. Jean fanned me with that copy of Curve, and then said that the model on the front cover had on a pretty sweater, and she wondered where she could get one like it. Then once the hot flash …”

“Power surge,” Jean interjected. “I like to think of them as power surges.”

Sid frowned at her wife and continued, “I got back in bed and we turned on the news. That’s when we heard that it was passed.”

“It was the strangest thing, Jean said as she leaned forward towards me and lowered her voice a little. “Hearing that the majority of the voters wanted to nullify our marriage, made me incredibly horny. I turned on my Ipod and put ‘Drive You All Night’ on repeat and turned the volume way up.”

“Do you have to share everything,” Sid interrupted. “Whatever you tell her she’s going to write it down! Have a little discretion for God’s sake.”

“Well, it’s the truth,” Jean retorted. “It’s kind of sexy feeling like an outlaw. Day in and day out we go to work and come home and make dinner and watch TV and go to bed, and then we do it all over again the next day, but I can’t explain it. This has put a little bit of zing back into our relationship. It’s kind of sexy being a renegade. That was the best sex we have had in ages.”

“Jean!”

Well, it’s the truth.”

Sid began to blush and said, “Still you don’t have to go blabbing it to the whole world.”

“Well, eventually things will change and we will be like everybody else and no one will care if we are legally married or not, so for right now, I am going to savor our outlaw ways.”

“God, you are such a drama queen,” Sid got up from the couch. “I will be in the kitchen when you are finished.” After she left, Jean got quiet and introspective. She fingered the plain gold band on her left ring finger. “What did Shakespeare say? ‘A rose by any other name still smells as sweet.’ They can pretend what they like, but we know what our love means. ”

Local Woman Refuses to Take Life on Life’s Terms.

2012-04-16T10:58:00.000-04:00

Under the bridge, Snow’s Cut, NC. Yesterday, local resident, Naomi Smythington, decided to stop taking life on life’s terms. She has resolved to enter a classic state of denial. She inquired about passport requirements but was assured that the State of Denial (SOD) accepts persons of any “sex, creed, nationality, sexual orientation or economic status.”

The official she spoke with in the SOD said that it was kind of like the United States used to be, “you know back in the day when all were welcome... unless of course you were black or gay or jewish or couldn’t be exploited as a working underclass … everyone except them... .” But the official assured her that even those people were welcome in the State of Denial.

“SOD is for everyone,” the spokesperson stated. “We pride ourselves on being an all encompassing group. We believe that, the State of Denial is within all of us. It’s the one common thread that weaves through all of humanity (and I have known several cats who qualify as well). The fabric of denial is strong, multi-cultural, and woven from the threads of the super rich to the desperately poor. SOD knows no strangers.

Naomi Smythington stated that she couldn’t wait to move to SOD, but the SOD spokesperson cautioned that not everyone has the fortitude to live there permanently. She suggested that Naomi vacation there first before selling everything and establishing residence.

“Go to the beach and pretend you live there oceanfront,” stated the spokesperson. “Try that on for size first and see how it goes. Try assuming that the lottery will be your retirement plan and live accordingly. Those should be good tests to find out if you are really up for permanent residence.

Smythington has tabled the move for a few months. She said that just thinking about it was overwhelming, so she decided to pull the blackout shades and go back to bed.

Woman cannot get off of the couch.

2012-03-17T08:54:00.001-04:00

Under the Bridge, Snow’s Cut, NC -- On the day after Christmas, a local woman revealed that she just can’t get off the couch. “I have already been to Walmart to exchange a gift for my seven year old and get some chocolate soy milk. I am just exhausted.” She could barely move her hand off of her forehead as she spoke.

“I had no idea that the second day of Christmas was the second biggest shopping day of the year. The return line at Walmart stretched all the way down the ailse and wrapped around the greeter station by the exit. It was a mad house and to top it all off, the newly out of work bell ringer had not yet turned off the friendliness and talked to me all the way up to the return desk.”

The return bins were filled with yesterday’s surprises. The woman noted as the return clerk mechanically tossed her son’s toy over her head and it landed in the bin marked ‘toys.’ It bounced around the edge and precariously rolled in with the other rejects.

“Some toys are just place holders until the good stuff is restocked,” she observed. “Kind of like those seat fillers at the Oscars when somebody famous has to get up to go pee and some well-dressed nobody sits there until the famous person returns. Some presents are just like that. This year it was Gilgruff. Gilgruff was the seat filler for when they restocked Terrafin.”

She stated that trying to figure out the names of all these monstrous “action figures” was difficult enough but then hunting down the right exact one was nearly impossible. “It’s like they have their own Kingdom, Phylum and Species classification system or something.”

As she reached for another handful of popcorn, she stated “Now, I can get back to my life and start paying down those credit cards, but first, I need a nap.”

The Art of the Dive

2012-03-17T08:54:00.000-04:00

Christmas is stressful. Hunting down the perfect gift, spending money on the perfect gift and taking on overtime work to pay for the perfect gift is hard enough, but then one has to start praying that the recipient of the perfect gift doesn’t put it on the “World’s Top Ten Worst Christmas Presents Ever" list on the internet. It is exhausting. Now, competing for buying gifts involves dodging pepper spray... I shudder to think of it.

One morning last week I had an epiphany. While watching a neighbor daintily carry in a new 50 inch flat screen and then haul out a hernia busting 20 inch tube TV, it came to me. It would be more cost effective to turn the system upside down. Instead of matching the perfect gift to the recipient, it would be better to match the recipient to the gift. I mean there must be someone in my circle who would be perfectly happy with a 20 inch tube TV. Why not do my Christmas shopping at all of the best dumpsters in town? Why not go dumpster diving for Christmas? That is when the art of the dive formed so beautifully in my mind. It is an art that will transform forever my perspective on Christmas shopping.
There is indeed an art to the dive. This form of shopping involves some sturdy gloves, occasional heavy lifting, and an empty trunk. If you have access to a truck, that is even better. Dumpster diving or alternative acquisition patrol or adaptive reuse projects or whatever you would like to call it, is really an observation in consumer culture. There is a psychology to the way that people throw away their possessions. Some people randomly toss perfectly good stuff right into the bin, but there are others who perhaps feel guilty about throwing out perfectly good stuff, so instead of tossing it in, they set it beside the dumpster perhaps in hopes that someone will rescue it and give it a home. Possibly, there is no psychology to this behavior at all. Perhaps the stuff beside the dumpster is just too heavy or to bulky to toss over the top.
There is, however, a psychology to the art of the dive. It is a process rather than a single action. It is a multi-phased system that meets the same psychological and emotional needs that conventional shopping fulfills. Phase one of this system employs the thrill of the hunt that is central to the act of traditional shopping. For this phase, you need nerves of steel and you need a map. A good tool for this phase is a GPS unit in your car. This will allow you to electronically mark all of your potential “kill” sites. An old fashioned paper map and highlighter pen work just as well if you want to be retro about the process.
When hunting, it is best to stick with the dumpsters on your normal travel routes. That way you will not encroach on the territories of other hunters and thus provoke a holiday riot. The one exception to this rule is dorm dumpsters. They are fair game for everyone especially if you have a child in college. Some college students plan for a bountiful Christmas and throw out all of their stuff after exams -- some students are very optimistic in the generosity of others at Christmas. You can find all kinds of potential gifts like computers, calculators, beer bongs, imported beer bottle collections, refrigerators, TVs (tube and flat screen), stereos, bikes, coffee makers, books, now that the new readers are coming out, you can find old book readers as well. I generally steer away from larger, more organic items like mattresses, chairs and couches. Those are a bit too “organic” if you get my meaning.
Once you acquire the target area, phase two of the system begins. Phase two is the “kill” phase. There is the element of surprise when you make a find, but the adrenaline starts pumping when you get ready to pounce. The kill phase requires action. Your blood is pumping, your heart is pounding, the “what ifs” start racing through your brain. Those are the nuggets of doubt and dignity that stand in the way of success.
“What if the person who threw this out changes his/her mind and wants it back?”
“What if the neighbor sees me digging through the trash?”
“What if the building manager calls the police and reports me for trespassing?”
These are all valid concerns, but do no let these concerns dissuade you. They add to the thrill of the kill. They are like a fine seasoning on a perfectly grilled steak. The adrenaline release during this phase is much like the euphoria one feels after completing a 5k or half marathon. It fulfills that impulse consumption tension that builds up during the holiday season. It also creates the feeling of exclusivity when you know that you got the only one of its kind and no one else will be able to give the same gift that you will give.
Once you muscle the projection screen TV on to the back of the truck, or fit that mini-fridge in the trunk there is this peeling out, squealing tires, Dukes of Hazard moment you experience when all you want to do is shout out “WHOO HOO” really, really loud and defiantly wave your fist in triumph out the window to those capitalist overlords who just installed the 83 inch plasma unit in their home theater or just put in the mini wine cooler with locking door right beside the dishwasher in their remodeled kitchen.
You conjure thoughts like, “yeah, bitches go on and pay that credit card interest! You got the latest thing, but this year my Christmas presents are FREE!” (This is actually Phase Two, Part A of the art of the dive. It is thus labeled because phase three was already established when this discovery occurred.)
There is a sort of denouement that you must fight once the elation of the kill wears off. You must fight this feeling of a completed task at all costs. This is not the end of the art of the dive but merely the crossing over point. Now things get pretty critical. Now begins the “know your recipient” phase. It could be argued that this is the most critical phase. It is phase three of the art of the dive where you must match the recipient to the gift. This phase may occur in seconds or it may take days or weeks, but it is essential to match the right person to the perfect gift.
This may seem to be a counter intuitive process. Unlike traditional shopping where you first think of the person, figure out what he/she would like as a gift and then set out to find and purchase it, the art of the dive actually turns this process upside down. Its the gift that matters not the recipient. The perfect gift is perfect because it appeared before you like a feast before the starving. It’s not the substance that matters but the sustenance. Now you must match the perfect gift to its proper recipient. Just as you would not feed a hamburger to a vegetarian you must not match the perfect book reader to a gamer or the perfect television to the avid reader. The perfect gift has its perfect recipient among your circle. You just need to think carefully in order to make the match.
Once you have made the match, phase four kicks into gear. You will need to steer your recipients into your way of thinking. You must convince them that what you got them is what they want, what they need and something they could not imagine life without. In this phase, you must practice a Jedi type of mind trick to manipulate the recipient into total acceptance of your way of thinking. For instance, making statements like the following help introduce the need for a particular item:
“You know what this room needs? A retro home theater.”
“I love what you have done with the kitchen. You know a mini wine cooler would be great in here. Not one of those pretentious locking glass faced units, but something with character. You know some thing like a dorm fridge.”
“I like the new 83 inch TV you got for the living room. You know, you should really think about getting a TV just for the kids’ gaming system so that those game images aren’t burned into the screen forever.”
“Those new e-readers are nice, but I really like that newsprint look of the old ones. They are a lot easier on the eyes.”
“Remember that import beer bottle collection we had back in college?”
Statements like these will plant the seed. Occasionally, you must feed and water the seed so that it grows. But you must not over feed it or it may turn out like the 500 pound freakishly huge pumpkin at the State Fair. Then it will be too unwieldy and too pithy on the inside and your “retro” present will not match their overblown desire. You must be judicious in phase four in order to keep the dream alive and nurture the Jedi mind trick.
“There’s something missing in this kitchen that I just can’t put my finger on... .” Little statements like this will help keep the idea planted in the sub-conscious and leave them aching for that perfect gift.
Finally, phase five of the system is delivery. After locating the item, acquiring it, targeting the recipient and planting the seed of desire for that object, giving the gift is the culmination of all this effort. Often times elaborate delivery plans help elevate the value of the gift. For example, a scavenger hunt complete with hidden maps and difficult clues to decipher builds value of the gift in the recipient’s mind. Leading statements are also essential in this final phase of the art of the dive. Statements like:
“Remember when you wanted something a little retro for the kitchen?”
“I knew this would bring back memories!”
“I couldn’t resist this when I saw it! It will add years of life to your new plasma screen and the kids can play video games uninterrupted while you are watching “America’s Funniest Home Videos” or “The Biggest Loser!”
These kinds of statements will make the recipient hearken back to phase four. This will ensure that the Jedi mind trick has firmly taken hold and completes phase five of the art of the dive.
The art of the dive is not fool proof, however. There is a small rate of failure that occurs somewhere during phases three through five for some who use this method of gift giving. As with any system, the human element cannot always be predicted, and thus the system cannot be pronounced one hundred percent successful. In the unlikely event that this system fails, there is a fail safe option. It is phase six.
If your gift manages to find its way on to the “World’s Top Ten Worst Christmas Presents Ever” list, simply employ phase six. Next Christmas go to the office supply store and purchase iron on transfer material that fits into your home office printer. Go into your word processing program and create this statement:
“My friend is one of the World’s Top Ten!” Make sure you use a whimsical font.
Print out this statement and iron onto T-shirts. Give these out in bulk. It will take the sting out of the previous Christmas’s humiliation if not the stench of stale beer and rancid pizza left behind from last year’s crappy present.
Happy dumpster diving everyone! Remember: There is an art to every gift or at least a decent story out of every gift giving experience.

No-Shave November Celebrations in Full Swing!

2012-03-17T08:53:00.002-04:00

Just as Thanksgiving celebrations came to an end, No-Shave November Celebrations ignited throughout the southeast. These parties celebrate the plucking out of unsightly facial hair to the removing of that European flare from under arms and legs that have accumulated since the sting of fall began to permeate the air.

Janie Jameson of Flint Rock stated that she had to shave before the Black Friday shopping marathon began in order to keep up with other shoppers. “It's hard to speed shop with all that friction. I could hardly try on silk blouses competitively with all of that drag slowing me down."
Sandy Stone said that she and her friends had a post Thanksgiving shaving celebration. "A good while after the pumpkin pie settled, we gathered in the upstairs spa tub and lathered up. Everyone took a brand new Venus out of the package and went to work. Mama only did her legs and pits but some of the others got a little carried away."
Stone stated that her best girl-friend from high school went all out and shaved from top to bottom just like she was on the swim team. "She even gave herself a buzz cut right there in front of the vanity. She has always been a competitive shopper."
"We got on our combat shopping outfits (sweat-suits Jane Lynch style and cross-trainers) and went to stand in line with our freshly shaved and tweezed, smooth bodies," stated Jeri Adams, who had the idea of the shaving party in the first place.
"What better way to segue from No-Shave November into the festive season of getting. Right after giving thanks for all of the stuff we got last year, we remove all the hairy traces of our lazy Fall and get ready to combat consume with the enemy," Adams went on to say that the enemy to which she was referring was other consumers.
When asked to comment on the advantages of excess body hair on Black Friday, especially when some combatants were packing mace to acquire the latest in video gaming accouterments. Adams stated that dish detergent was helpful in cleaning off mace and milk helped with the stinging.
Adams suggested that No-Shave November logically precedes Douche Bag December. "We should always give thanks before we prepare to get more stuff at any cost."
Stone admitted that, "None of this has anything to do with celebrating Christmas or our relationships with each other or our spiritual connection to something greater than ourselves, but it does have everything to do with indulging in our own pathological need to consume."
"But forty-percent off of a sixty-percent mark up is worth all the extra preparations," Adams defended as her comrades nodded in enthusiastic agreement.

Paradigm Shift Wakes Local Woman from a Dead Sleep.

2012-03-17T08:53:00.001-04:00

Wilmington, NC -- Last night Marjorie Cast of Hidden Valley was awakened by a violent paradigm shift. She stated that the jolt was so extreme it felt like the whole house shook off its foundation.

“I sat straight up in bed around 3:00 AM and realized that my life is way different than I had planned.” She stated that she thought she would be professionally established and rich by the time she turned 43 but that that didn't seem to work out as she had planned.
“I have all these degrees and all of these skills, but no where to use them,” she stated. “For years I have been going along seeing that ‘big break’ just around the corner and always just out of reach. But last night it hit me like a 9.2 earthquake. I have been to California. I know what earthquakes can do. I realized that I left those breaks in the dust a long time ago, but I am still running in circles like a pack rat stuck in an exchange loop.”
She stated that the paradigm shift jostled her whole reality until a new reality mushroomed from the destruction.
“I always saw myself with a book contract, a book tour and an agent to keep track of everything. I mean I was ready to have the instant hot water dispenser hooked up in the kitchen at the summer cottage any day now, but then I realized that I am a renter, and I can’t make major plumbing changes in my apartment, and that the summer house is a pup tent stored under the bed.”
She rocked slightly on her heels and stood in silent introspection for a moment. “I do have the pool I assumed I would have,” she brightened at that realization. “Our complex has a nice concrete pool, and I don’t have to clean it. That’s a good thing.”
“I do have parking right in front of my building,” she added, grasping for the silver lining. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful especially around Thanksgiving. I mean, these are first world problems. It’s not like I can only buy generic although generic is, in most cases, just as good. It’s not like I don’t have food or anything like that. It’s just that that jolt was pretty rough. I thought the roof might fall in, but then I realized it was just the ten year old upstairs pogo-sticking in the living room again.”
Cast concluded that the next phase of her life was not going to be filled with grand old expectations, but she has decided to take things a day at a time. She has resolved to put some sort of nick-knack on the mantle where she has always left a space for an Oscar, Emmy, Peabody, or at the very least a citizenship award. As she wiped two fingers along the empty space, she remembered that she did have a perfect attendance award from grade school that she could fill the space with instead.
“Perfect attendance is something right?” she stated, smiling. “Maybe I didn’t become the woman of my dreams, but at least I showed up. That’s something right?”

Residents are Overwhelmed with Local and National Politics.

2012-03-17T08:53:00.000-04:00

Piner Road -- Barbara and Markie Frye of Piner Road said Friday that they were overwhelmed with this week with local politics interfering with their focus on national elections. The Fryes have lived on Piner for 14 years and stated they had never seen so many signs lining the road.
“I have never seen so many signs lining the road,” said Barbara a material artist.
Markie Frye, local recycling activist stated that she couldn’t agree more with her wife of 14 years. “When we moved here, there were hardly any local signs at election time, but now they line the streets like bag lights at Christmas time but they really don’t tell you much about the person. Its really poor advertising if you ask me. They’re all plastic too and I frankly am not to clear on their recycle-ability.”

However, Barbara stated that the material makes good backing for some of her mixed media art pieces.
“I was disheartened that I just don’t know much about local candidates. The best I could do when I went to the polls is vote for the ones who weren’t being indicted.”
“It’s not like local officials can plant a cement factory under our noses without anyone noticing. I mean its not like they have much impact,” stated Markie.
Barbara shook her head in agreement. “And even if you go to church with one of these candidates, you still don’t know them in their work clothes. At least with the national elections, we get to see the drama unfold right before our eyes. I mean at least we know who the potential womanizers are. You know that guy isn’t going to be for any rights for women.”
“Yeah, and then there’s the guy who wants to eliminate all three branches of government.”
“I think you mean departments.”
“No, they are definitely called branches. Anyway, then there’s the robot and that woman who is clearly in denial. I mean if you want to ‘pray the gay away’ you clearly have an issue.”
“Yeah, someone with that kind of crazy philosophy will have us all wearing prairie dresses before the end of her four-year term,” Barbara added.
The Frye’s stated that they were glad the local elections are over and that they could return to their obsession with national candidates.
Although Markie stated that she wished she had sought out more information about the local candidates before voting day. “Being currently unemployed if I had know about some of these positions, I could have written myself in one of the slots that were unopposed. That’s one way I could have gotten a job.”

Dog Waits To Go Out While Mob War Rages and Pumpkin Crop Fails

2012-03-17T08:52:00.001-04:00

Snow’s Cut -- Molly, the dog, discovered yesterday that she is not the center of her moms’ world. Much to her dismay, Molly found herself sitting by the door with her legs crossed waiting anxiously for someone to take her out to pee.
The cat, Benjamin Franklin, rubbed tauntingly against Molly’s front legs purring as she had recently come inside from a jaunt about the complex before the sun sank over the river. Molly whined at the door and looked expectantly toward where her mothers’ were perched in the living room -- one bent on feeding the world with her massive international farming complexes and the other bent on destroying international crime syndicates that threaten her on a daily basis.

Molly sat by the door waiting.

Janine MacCullers was reported as saying, “She is your dog. You take her out.”

Annie MacCullers, her wife of five years reportedly answered, “She is our dog, and I just took her out. I have to harvest these pumpkins and get them to market before they die.”

“Well, mafias don’t run themselves. If these SOBs want to start a war with me, I have got to hit them fast and hard so they will think twice about doing it again. You took the dog out four hours ago.”

Benjamin Franklin purred, rubbing her tail under Molly’s nose. Molly’s hind legs shook helplessly.
The two MacCullers sat in their living room, one sprawled on the couch and the other in the recliner. After a hard day of work, the two women stated that computer games soothed away the stress of the day. The couple would not disclose how long they stalled before getting up to go to the door, nor would they state who it was who actually gave in and got up, but Molly reportedly burst out as the door was opened for the pizza man.

Eventually, the dog returned home reportedly smelling like swamp gas and pork rinds. The couple is drafting gaming rules to provide for the needs of their pets, cooking dinner, going to work and taking showers.

There has been no report as to Benjamin Franklin’s reaction to this new agreement.

Come Out, Come Out and BE who you are!

2012-03-17T08:52:00.000-04:00

Lizard Lick, NC -- Mr. and Mrs. Eugene and Ruth Culpepper proudly announced their daughter, Samantha Culpepper’s coming out last night at the surprise party they gave for her at the Fire Fly Country Club on NC Highway 97. The party that was in the planning stages for nearly a year was quite a feat to pull off according to neighbor Hildebrand Adams.

“Gene and Ruth pulled out all the stops to celebrate Sam’s acknowledgement of what they knew since she was in the third grade.” Adams stated that, the Culpepper’s had been waiting for Sam to acknowledge her status as a lesbian for herself.
After she told them last year that her “roommate” of 8 years was actually her girlfriend, they were elated they could finally “call a spade a spade,” Mr. Culpepper stated.
Adams went on to say that, “Its hard to celebrate important occasions and anniversaries for their daughter and her ‘roommate.’”
Adam’s said that Mrs. Culpepper has complained more than once that she would like to get them couples presents for holidays, but it is just so awkward to purchase daughter and roommate presents.
Samantha Culpepper’s best friend from middle school, Andi Williams (no relation to the singer), stated that invitations had been sent all over the United States and Canada for the event. As guests arrived, the Culpepper’s put up the out of town guests at the Fire Fly Inn.
Sam’s first grade teacher, Evelyn Baker reportedly travelled the farthest to attend the event. Baker who resides on a potato farm on Prince Edward Island, Canada flew in especially for the event. “I have been waiting for this event for years,” the retired teacher said. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!”
Emilee St. Marie, Samantha’s “roommate” and finally acknowledged long time girlfriend, was part of the planning from the start. “Mom (referring to Ruth Culpepper) and I decided that we should spring the surprise on Sam’s first anniversary of officially coming out.”
“She would never suspect anything when we asked her to meet us at the country club for dinner,” Ruth added excitedly. “She was very surprised.”
Over 150 friends, family and “family” members attended the event. Margie Newhurst, owner of the Fire Fly, stated that this was the biggest event in Lizard Lick since the premier of the Shirley’s towing business on “All Worked Up,” which airs on TruTV.
Samantha Culpepper, local attorney and surprise party recipient, admitted that she was totally blown away by the event. “It’s not everyday that your parents celebrate your coming out as a lesbian. It was so amazing to finally slow dance with Emilee in public for the first time.”
Several locals thought the party would go down in history as the event of the year. One elderly man who did not want to be named stated that “it is about damn time that Sam did right by her girlfriend. This roommate business is just non-sense and that’s all.”
Mrs. Culpepper stated that she hoped the two women would now turn Emilee’s ridiculous fake bedroom into a nursery.

"You Say Mullet Like It's a Bad Thing"

2012-03-17T08:51:00.002-04:00

A Leland couple has finally resolved their long standing argument over the haircut, the mullet. This haircut is characterized by long hair in the back of the head and short hair on the sides and in the front. The couple has been arguing over the fashionable merits of the mullet hairstyle since they first met in 1994.
After they married six years ago, they decided to resolve this argument once and for all, and that decision led the couple to research and write their latest ebook, You Say Mullet Like It's a Bad Thing, about this much maligned hairstyle.
Deirdre and Karen Smythe of Leland, NC, sat down with me at a local Moravian hot spot to delve into the subject. They found that the one subject that once polarized their usually amicable relationship, the mullet, was not so polarizing after all.
We ordered our lunch, Deirdre ordered sauerkraut and sausage, while Karen had kalbsschnitzel and spaetzel, and I had a salad. Deirdre began the conversation.
Deirdre, who had always been pro-mullet stated, “You know the saying, ‘business in the front; party in the back?’ It describes the mullet hairstyle perfectly. It once was stereotyped as a lesbian hairstyle in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but the hairstyle has a long and distinguished history going back fifteen hundred years.”
Karen, who was militantly against anything mullet in their long standing argument, added, “yes, but women were treated as property from the beginning of time until the Nineteenth Amendment was passed in 1920, but clearly treating women like property wasn’t right now was it?”
“Well, there was that much argued period where the Amazon’s dominated Asia Minor,” Dierdre countered.
“And the ratings on CBS and then ABC in the late seventies,” interjected Karen, she smiled at her wife of 6 years, clearly ribbing her mate.
Deirdre winced as she had a bite of the sauerkraut. Deirdre gave her wife a withering glare before she continued, “As I was saying, the mullet was first recorded by Procopius, the 6th century Byzantine historian, who wrote Secret History.”
“Yes, but that work was no Sailing to Byzantium, and I assure you Yeats did not sport the mullet.”
“Yes, but Procopius wrote about an elite group of warriors who opposed the Romans and nearly conquerd them. They differentiated themselves with this hairstyle. This group was called the Massagetae, and then later, they were called the Huns. Imagine, Attila the Hun probably had a Mullet.”
“And what happend to Attila?”
“He died.”
“Of Alcoholism,” Karen stated emphatically.
“That is a damn lie!” Deirdre shouted. “Concocted by his enemies to discredit him! He most likely was assassinated!”
“That is mere supposition!”
“At any rate, the mullet is a very old hairstyle,” I interjected.
On this statement, they both agreed. Once the women regained their composure, they continued their conversation.
Deirdre continued recounting the mullet’s history, “If we fast forward to current times, the mullet was resurrected in the 1960’s. Florence Henderson had one in The Brady Bunch, David Cassidy in The Partridge Family and Paul McCartney had one when he was with ‘Wings.’”
At this Karen chimed in, “Yes, and the ‘Beastie Boys’ made a very negative song about it. Don’t forget the famous ‘mullet head’ comment on Cheers.”
The couple remained on opposite sides of the “mullet” argument until recently when Karen stumbled upon a news story concerning the haircut.
“It was revolutionary quite literally,” stated Karen, leaning forward over what was left of her spaezel.
“The mullet was actually banned in Iran last year because it was too western.”
“Which is actually ironic because the Huns were reportedly from the region which is now Iran,” Deirdre added excitedly.
That was the piece of information that changed Karen’s mind about the hairstyle and prompted the couple to write their latest ebook now available online.
“Once I found out this, I became a true believer in the power of the mullet,” Karen said.
Karen and Deirdre clasped each other’s hand in unity over resolving their long standing argument. Karen Smythe now wears the hairstyle while Deirdre still wears her hair long, pulled back in a pony tail.
“It’s not my ideal look,” Karen stated, smoothing her short bangs to one side. “but until the 'Arab Spring' comes to Iran. I will wear my hair this way.”
The couple now agrees that the mullet is a very good hairstyle, albeit for very different reasons.

Local woman declares “cosmapsuedical” to be a dumb ass, made up word.

2012-03-17T08:51:00.001-04:00

Surf City, NC -- Local woman stated that the word “cosmapsuedical” is a dumb ass, made up word after hearing it used on an infomercial at 7AM, Saturday morning. Hannah McMartin rolled her eyes toward the sky and took a deep breath and then said, “Can’t these people just use the words that are already in the dictionary! Do they really have to make up words they think sound smart to give legitimacy to their products?”

Her partner of 27 years, Sarah Kosawalzki, put her arm around McMartin to calm her. She stated that McMartin has spent enough money on skin care products to supply the entire volunteer fire department with chili making ingredients for a whole year, so naturally she was upset by this infomercial.
Hannah was visibly agitated as she continued, “I mean why do they have to make up terms to make people think that their product is so good that the mere English language cannot handle it’s magnificence. Plus, they have to use twenty-something looking people to show off their smooth skin while they exclaim, ‘I am 87 but don’t look a day over 32!’ Well, lady, I would say that walker and those Velcro Dr. Scholls tell the tale!”
Kosawalzki explained that being a former Mullet Festival Princess back in 1963 and a retired English teacher, McMartin was naturally upset by the program. She stated that, years of fighting the use of ain’t, bitchin’ and ‘fur real’ as a question, has created post-traumatic stress symptoms in her long time partner, McMartin.
“We can’t get married which only effects our lives, but these yoyo’s can add words and phrases to our lexicon willy-nilly, altering the very essence of our language, and why is it cosmapsuetical anyway? Why not phrametic or physudo-cosmedic or phramacosmetic? It’s just a dumb ass, made up word and what’s with ‘infomercial’ anyway? Do we not even have time to say a whole sentence?”
At this point, McMartin’s partner Kosawalzki found an abandoned beach chair for McMartin to sit down. We stopped the interview while Kosawalzki monitored McMartin’s panic attack after she declined medical assistance from a near-by paramedic, who was on vacation from Grissettown.
Another couple passing by on their morning constitutional stated that they both agreed whole hearted with McMartin and added that throwing in foreign sounding knock-outs did not add to the product’s legitimacy. Jack Simpson of Lizard Lick, North Carolina said using British and Australian actresses to pitch these products just reinforced the idea that, “We Americans are too stupid to figure out these miracle cures for ourselves.”
Kosawalzki added that including the fast pitch softball player’s testimonial was the producer’s thinly veiled attempt to pander to the lesbian community. McMartin was too shaken to continue the interview but as she began her journey back to the beach house, she vowed to continue her fight against dumb ass, made up words.

Local Couple Dismayed Over Lack of Pink Pegs

2012-03-17T08:51:00.000-04:00

Kure Beach, NC -- “We were shocked that there weren’t enough pink pegs for our cars when we played ‘The Game of Life’ the other night with friends,” said Mary Franklin of Tabor City, NC. “When JoAnn’s car landed on the ‘get married’ square all that was left were blue pegs.”

Mary’s wife of three years, Leah Franklin, said, “We were completely embarrassed when we ran out of pink pegs. Six of us were sitting around the coffee table staring when JoAnn got to the ‘get married’ block and all we had were those blue pegs just rolling around in the lid.”

Later, Mary fixed the problem by coloring some of the pegs so now they have pink, blue and purple pegs.

“Now, we can play with our straight, gay, lesbian and transgender friends and not have to worry about awkward moments like we faced on Saturday night,” Mary said.
Fortunately for the couple, their friend, JoAnn, was not offended by using a blue peg. She stated that it reminded her of her girlfriend, who coincidently is named Peg and a little bit butch anyway.
Milton Bradley, the maker of “The Game of Life,” was not available for comment.

Local woman stung by her ex's declaration that her guitar playing just wasn't that good.

2012-03-16T13:42:00.002-04:00

Snow's Cut, NC. Last Wednesday at 7:42 PM a local woman, was informed that her soon to be ex-husband said that she wasn't a very good guitar player. She was reported to be ticked off about this bit of misinformation more so than the other forms of libel and slander that has perpetuated in their impending divorce.

"This is an outrageous lie," the woman stated to her friend Mary Ellen Markus of Wilmington, NC, when she called her up to tell her the latest thing she had heard.

"I know," Mary Ellen stated. "Everyone knows you rock the acoustic, electric and acoustic electric."

"Don't forget the bass," the woman reminded her. "I can play a mean bass when I need to."

"Oh yes," Mary Ellen assured her. "That goes almost without saying."

"It's one thing to make up stuff about my past jobs and being laid off or to say that I was a terrible house keeper and cook or to say that I was a horrible mother, and a crappy lover, but to say I can't play the guitar is a hurtful, terrible lie. I mean they even let me plug in some times to carry the rhythm."

"You don't have to tell me", Mary Ellen reassured her.

"That is just plain mean," the woman who wished to remain anonymous said. She was a little tearful on the phone Mary Ellen observed.

Markus stated that she could just she her friend stroking the turquoise stratocaster Bonnie Raitt held in that poster that still hung in her garage. Her friend often remarked that Raitt was the best slide guitar player of all time. Mary Ellen took her word for it.

"How could anyone strike at the very heart of someone they claimed they used to love. That's just sadistic," she said.

Mary Ellen reassured her that anyone who had heard her play knew that it was just petty jealousy. "After all, when you promise your girlfriend's kid to teach him to play the guitar but can't play it yourself, there's got to be some jealousy involved."

The woman stated that her ex would never pay attention when she tried to teach him a simple II V I progression. "He thought he already knew it all because he had a nice guitar. He thought he could automatically play it. It doesn't matter how nice your Ferrari is if you never take it out of the garage."

By that, Markus could tell that her friend had turned the corner in her outrage. "I mean there's just no sense in getting angry over bold face jealous lies. That is just ridiculous." Markus reported that her friend was in pretty good spirits despite the disparaging remarks concerning her instrumental skills.

She did, however, report that her friend could be heard practicing scales in the background the next time she called to talk to her.