smashmirrorcardboardface

Time Machine

2012-01-10T17:18:00.001Z

I've finally found a reason for building a time machine.
To star in this film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JLbdJfiabK8

I'm holding out for the Hollywood remake.

Via io9
http://io9.com/5874563/what-if-alien-was-a-hong-kong-horror-movie

More toilet issues

2011-04-07T11:47:00.000+01:00

I've synchronised toilet times with a guy at work.
This is not on purpose, you understand - that would be a strange thing to do, resulting in awkward discomfort for both parties involved, with no gain on either side, humorous or not.

The worst thing about the situation is that I'm always the one that enters the toilet second. Like I'm following him in there. Like some horrible toilet follower.

I've tried holding it in a while when I feel the urge, but the universe has deemed this to be it's latest 'hilarious' prank to pull on me and there he is when I finally go, mildly irked by my ever present face in the men's room.

Today he eyed me, like he knew I was following him. My brain explained to me that it was the Universe's fault, not mine. I told it that could be a difficult thing to explain to a urinating stranger. After a short bout of contemplation, it conceded the point and allowed me to continue my ablutions.

I win brain. I win,

Skull Dreams

2011-03-10T15:04:00.002Z

So there we all are, in a field on a game show where there is a load of towels hanging up.
Each member of the team has an allotted time in which to collect some towels.
The towels have prizes written on them in black marker pen.

A chicken is tugging at a thread from one of the towels.

We all pile into an old car that will only go backwards and, as I drive us to our new house that we have just won across the field from where the gameshow is still continuing, I notice that someone has removed all of the air vents from the dashboard.

The house appears to be made of old bricks and has several places where they have fallen down. I look in one of these openings and it's full of skeletons, but made of computer wire frame model as if on an old green-screen monitor. I lift one of the skulls and it collapses into a pile of useless vector lines in my hand.

The whole thing has left me rather despondant.

Tea: Green Redbush Tick Tock
Favorite marble: Spanny Naked Lady
On the tune box: TM JUKE - Come Away

POWK!

2011-03-01T15:38:00.000Z

Seems like I'm getting around 15 hits a month from people searching for the word 'Powk' - mainly on google.
That's just too damn low.

More Powk hits please.

Psychic killer tyre

2011-03-01T13:52:00.000Z

Why Didn't I think of this first?

Check out:
http://www.rubberfilm.com/index.cfm

We can do it

2010-12-07T16:42:00.001Z

We can do it, originally uploaded by smashmirrorcardboardface.

strong like bull

the monkey is in the tree

2010-09-08T10:10:00.002+01:00

monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jNu9Olh4us

EDIT: NEW Facebook group!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=137166792995621

want.

2010-08-12T22:40:00.000+01:00

why don't i have one of these?

overexposed moon

2010-07-02T18:28:00.001+01:00

overexposed moon, originally uploaded by smashmirrorcardboardface.

oooo... scary moon

Sample

2010-06-22T12:04:00.003+01:00

I'm standing at the urinal at work, urinating. My usual 10:30.

I hear the creak of the door and I'm thinking that I don't want to be stood next to - not that I mind greatly about being stood next to when I'm urinating, but the urinals at work are close together and one usually ends up touching some part of skin or garment of the neighbouring occupier making the whole experience thoroughly unpleasant.

The universe, as defiant as ever, causes the latest toilet entrant to come and stand by me. He coughs and fumbles a while in his trouser department. Out of my peripheral vision, I can only see a bald pate, emphasised by a small patch of vertically standing hair on the one side closest to me - the last remnants of a once proud comb-over.

My scalp studies are cut somewhat short by a short shocking sound somewhat like a small plastic tube being filled with a stream of water, a sudden panicked movement and an almost moon-walk like shuffle backwards by the subject of my eye corner peering.

I hear a quiet expletive uttered and, as i turn towards the sink I see him moving purposefully across the toilet carrying his urine sample tube like a trophy above his head while looking down at his khaki slacks.

As i'm washing my hands, I continue to watch him hold the yellow liquid container above his head while repeatedly thrusting his groin at the now rumbling hand dryer. I finish washing my hands, use a paper towel to dry them and quickly dart past him as he thrusts forward yet again.

He looks at me, points to the tube above his head, then at his still mottled crotch and says, "piss".

He shakes his head, "piss" he repeats sadly as he thrusts again.

OWL

2010-06-15T12:21:00.001+01:00

DSC_1349, originally uploaded by smashmirrorcardboardface.

oooo. an owl

fly

2010-06-09T14:59:00.001+01:00

fly, originally uploaded by smashmirrorcardboardface.

hello Mr. Fly.

nothing better than this

2010-05-10T21:35:00.001+01:00

EVER.

weird_bug

2010-04-11T21:11:00.001+01:00

weird_bug, originally uploaded by smashmirrorcardboardface.

WTF is this?
seriously.

it was hanging out in our back garden, trying to be an olive.

Merv

2010-03-29T14:54:00.001+01:00

Merv, originally uploaded by smashmirrorcardboardface.

Merv likes war-horses and hates people who flinch.
He has a collection of tide marks and likes to scream at minnows.

the dog has an onion

2010-03-13T10:34:00.001Z

The dog has found an onion from somewhere.
He's walking around with it in his mouth, refusing to give it up.
His eyes are watering and he keeps coughing, but he keeps his distance from me with his oniony treasure.

I've asked him about the onion and why it's so important to him, but he is not forthcoming with his allium based plans.

I hope he's not building an onion gun.

Revelations

2010-02-02T12:18:00.001Z

The Bottom Pincher was back again today. He was looking glumly into the snack machine.
I kept my distance and hid myself behind the side of the entrance archway (wickid ninja skillz rock) to the kitchen until he sighed heavily and sulkily wandered off.

Studying the snack machine, I saw the cause of his sorrow - his pack of McCoys crisps had become wedged against the door. I feared this maybe karma paying him back for his antics.

The cutlery drawer has also become even more confused. The silverware now resides in the following order - Knives, Spoons, Forks. So now even the spoons have become involved in this insanity.

Both of these incidents have led me to the conclusion that the Rapture is not far away. I just hope Jesus has good cutlery etiquette.

Alarmed

2009-12-22T14:47:00.001Z

My sister in law occasionally stops me dead in my usually quite smooth running tracks with her slightly askew view on the world. Example below is a zinger she came out with the other day after she had been awoken by her burglar alarm in the middle of the night.

"So my first thought was that it was a UFO or summet come to take me away, but then I was thinking that the noise was SO loud and sounded SO inhuman that I thought I'd turned into a dog."

She's available for birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs.

Does he?

2009-12-16T13:10:00.002Z

Seth and Sara ask some great questions.

www.amazon.com - Does-Michaels-Daddies-Sarah-Ask

9 O'Clock

2009-12-06T23:21:00.000Z

updated on my flikr account - 9 pm everynight photo, ay it?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/smashmirrorcardboardface/sets/72157622667396661/

monkey face

2009-11-17T11:54:00.003Z

Seems to be a monkey ridden existence of late.

Hat trouble

2009-11-06T10:30:00.020Z


Descisions, descisions...

dishwasher destruction disaster

2009-11-04T15:10:00.003Z

So last night, my dishwasher exploded.
Some water had come from the bottom of it.
I was peering under the dishwasher at the water coming from the bottom of it.
As I peered closer, a large blue flame shot from under it, narrowly missing my eyebrows.

Rapidly standing up, wide eyed and shaking, I turn to the missus and explain the phenomena that just occurred, leaving out the part where my upper facial hair was nearly electrically removed.
She asks me how close I got to it.

I ponder this question, considering that she probably considers my proximity to the cleaning appliance to be in direct relation to the level of malfunction present within the machine. I decide to lie.

"I was here." I lie, taking a further step away from the now increasingly leaking dishwasher.

She eyes me with some suspicion, but continues making meatballs in our flooding kitchen.

Wicked lying skillz rock.

Very Warm

2009-11-04T13:46:00.000Z

When does 'Very Warm' become 'Hot'?

Moggy Manure Mishap

2009-10-26T16:34:00.000Z

Listen to me, you feculent feline fiends.

Should I EVER have the unfortunate luck to immerse any unclothed part of my body in your bum dirt EVER again, I'm coming looking for you and being dipped in defecation will be the least of your worries.

Capiche?