RSS feed http://smilejoke.net en SmileJoke-Good-Funny-Jokeshttp://feedburner.google.com http://smilejoke.net/humor/495.html The sun wears tinted glasses when Chuck Norris looks at it
http://smilejoke.net/humor/495.html#comments Sat, 04 Feb 2012 15:54:50 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/494.html Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey... then re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the smaller bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

And yes, my sister is a BLONDE! http://smilejoke.net/humor/494.html#comments Fri, 25 Nov 2011 11:23:38 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/493.html My wife had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue slacks.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked me, "Honey, do these slacks make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," I replied. "Our house isn't blue." http://smilejoke.net/humor/493.html#comments Fri, 25 Nov 2011 11:16:02 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/492.html * If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip ... joy. With the second ... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a Danish.

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."

* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook. http://smilejoke.net/humor/492.html#comments Fri, 25 Nov 2011 11:11:44 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/491.html A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." http://smilejoke.net/humor/491.html#comments Fri, 25 Nov 2011 11:10:33 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/490.html A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks." http://smilejoke.net/humor/490.html#comments Fri, 25 Nov 2011 11:09:01 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/489.html A factory worker, a fervent Democrat dressed in overalls, sat down to have his lunch in a park across from his office.

Then he noticed a very distinguished and dignified man step out of a top of the line BMW, walk into the park and sit down a few feet away on the grass; he was extremely well dressed in a hand tailored Brioni pinstriped business suit, perfectly tied silk necktie, starched white dress shirt, monogrammed cuff links, silver tiepin, Rolex watch, immaculately polished black leather shoes and silk socks. He placed his expensive briefcase next to him and prepared for lunch.

"One of those Republicans, I'll bet" thought the factory worker, and after introducing himself, he found out he was right not only a Republican, but an investment banker!

The factory worker glanced at the banker's shoes, glistening in the sunlight.

"You have those polished every day, don't you?" he asked.

The Investment Banker nodded "Just about. I have to look good for the clients. These were handmade for me. The first thing people notice are your shoes, at least in my line of work."

The factory worker snapped "What about the poor? A few shoeshines would pay for a lot food. You "suits" are all alike! Tell me something. How much money did you pay for those fancy shoes?"

The Investment Banker looked surprised and said calmly "Eight hundred dollars"

The factory worker yelled "Just for ONE pair of shoes! How are you helping out other people? Never trust a suit! And how much was that suit?"

The banker said quietly: "Well, it's none of your business but it was two thousand for the suit and two hundred for the tie and two hundred for the shirt, since you ask. I help them through taxes, but we all have a personal responsibility. Brioni pinstripes are expensive."

The factory worker said "I'm telling you, the poor only need a chance! You should be GIVING them money; they haven't had your advantages!"

The Investment Banker shrugged and said "We all have to work for what we have. I have worked very hard for what I have."

"I saw you get out of that car. Pretty classy!" said the factory worker. "That BMW would pay for several cheap cars!"

"Yes, it is a classy car" said the banker smiling and pulled out his computer. "I am trading stocks so I would prefer some privacy"

The factory worker said "Stocks! Look, poverty can happen to anyone! There's no way you can know that from where you sit with your high and mighty job and your car and your hotshot clothes! If you were not a SUIT, you would KNOW that! You need to know what it's like to NOT be a suit!"

The Investment Banker smiled and said "Keep talking if you want to. When I sleep, nothing wakes me - and I mean NOTHING! I sleep like a rock."

The investment banker put down his computer, sighed, relaxed on the grass and fell into a deep sleep.

Then a barefoot homeless man appeared, and asked the factory worker for change. The factory worker apologized, and said he had nothing, but then he saw the investment banker's wallet in his suit pocket.

He had an idea. He slipped the wallet out, and handed it to the homeless man, ID, credit cards and all.

Then he had another idea - a riskier one. He looked at the banker's feet.
Why not! This is a Republican who needs to give to society! The homeless man needs shoes, and the banker definitely needs to be humbled.

He looked again at the feet of the sleeping investment banker. "Wait! I'm sure you need these more than he does." He then started to slowly untie the investment banker's mirror polished $800 shoes and very slowly and carefully pulled them off his feet.

"You have to have socks to go with these shoes!" he said, and even more carefully, he reached up under the banker's suit cuffs and peeled the black dress socks off the banker's legs, heels, soles and finally his toes, and held them up like trophies. He handed both shoes and socks to the homeless man, who grinned.

The factory worker said: "With my compliments! They are handmade and they were just polished! Somebody told me that the first thing people notice are your SHOES!"

The investment banker, now barefoot, yawned, stretched, but continued to sleep; soon he started to snore again, while the bum walked off in the banker's shoes.

"I guess he won't be seeing any more clients today, and he'll have to miss that board meeting", said the factory worker to himself, "but he'll be a much better person now that he's humbled! I'm changing his destiny!"

An old man walked by and stared at the sleeping banker and the contrast between the tailored suit and his bare feet; he laughed out loud and walked on.

Then a mugger ran by, holding on to money he had just stolen. "A victim of society!" thought the factory worker.
He slid the keys to the BMW out of the banker's pocket, threw them to the mugger, and pointed to the car.

The mugger didn't stop to ask questions - he just drove off.

Then the factory worker saw a sad woman with a baby walking by. "Can I help you?" he asked her. When he found out that she needed money for her rent, the factory worker again approached the snoring investment banker and removed his cuff links; then he slipped the tiepin out of the silk tie.

"His wristwatch will be worth plenty!" said the factory worker to himself, and slipped the Rolex off the banker's manicured hand. He handed them all to the delighted woman. "Sell these!" the factory worker cried. "Oh, thank you sir" said the woman, and ran off.

"It's the least I can do!" said the factory worker.

He then thought: "Well, he has no more fancy shoes, no socks, no keys, no car, no ID or credit cards or wristwatch or license or money. I guess I'm turning him from a suit into something much better! I might as well finish the job!"

The factory worker then noticed the banker's computer and the password on a piece of paper. He sold all of the banker's stocks and bonds, and gave the money to the Democratic National Committee.

Next, a man in a janitor's uniform walked by, looking dejected.

"What's the matter, my friend?" said the factory worker sympathetically. "I..lost my job. I have a chance for a better one, but I don't have the clothes! This is all I have!" and he held up a pair of old polyester pants.

The factory worker sighed, and then looked at the banker's navy blue pinstriped business suit.

"Would this help? It's a two thousand dollar suit! A Brioni!" he asked the man.

"Sure!" cried the man "But how are you going to strip it off him?"

"Just watch and see!" said the factory worker.

He very slowly moved one of the banker's arms and then the other and the banker rolled on to his stomach, still sleeping and removed the suit jacket.

"You could use a briefcase, too!" said the factory worker and opened up the investment banker's briefcase.

He removed the contents and handed it to the joyful man. He also gave him the banker's Blackberry and computer and password. Then he looked at the banker's expensive silk tie and white shirt. Could he manage it?

He had to move the banker again a few times, but he only snored and slept as he untied the tie and pulled off the shirt. Then he unbuttoned the banker's suspenders and pulled them off.

Triumphantly he handed the starched white shirt, suspenders and necktie to the man, leaving their formerly well-dressed owner in his t-shirt.

"Wait" the factory worker said. "You really need the full suit. Give me a hand and I'll need those polyester pants. I'm getting good at this" and with great care and trouble, set to work removing the suit trousers.

Ten minutes later, the man was holding up the full pinstriped suit with admiration while its former owner was reduced to wearing the polyester pants.

He thanked the factory worker profusely and ran off, who brushed off his words: "I'm always glad to help those who need it! I've always been generous!"

"How good it is to help people!" he said to himself. "And mister hotshot isn't a "suit" anymore!"

Twenty minutes later, a policeman walks up to the formerly impeccably dressed investment banker, slapped him on the soles of his bare feet and snapped: "Hey buddy, wake up, no loitering! We don't allow bums to sleep here"

Finally the investment banker woke up with a start and looked down at himself with astonishment.

There was nothing left of the perfectly dressed banker he had been when he fell asleep. He was barefoot, and wearing only cheap trousers and a t-shirt. It took him a moment to realize that his suit, shoes, socks, tie, shirt, watch, jewelry, money, credit cards, ID, computer and briefcase had all been stripped from him.

He turned to the factory worker in astonished fury. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! WHERE IS MY SUIT, MY TIE, MY SHIRT! WHERE ARE MY SHOES AND SOCKS!? MY BRIEFCASE! MY WALLET! HOW CAN I GO BACK TO MY OFFICE LIKE THIS!? I LOOK LIKE A BUM!"
The factory worker then told him about his car and stocks. The banker began to yell.

The policeman then turned to the factory worker and said "Is this bum disturbing you?" and grabbed the struggling investment banker by the arm and says: "You can sleep it off in the tank, buddy! Vagrancy, disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, harassment!"

At that moment, his boss walked by on a stroll, saw his bedraggled employee being dragged away and cried out, "What are you doing?! You're fired!"

Three months later, the factory worker wandered into the park, and saw the homeless man on the corner, as usual, wearing the same gleaming black shoes and socks, but now there was a new panhandler with him, barefoot with matted hair and a grizzled face, wearing polyester pants and a T-shirt. "It can't be!" he says, as he walked up to him. But it is.

The homeless man looked up and winked: "He's one of us now!" he said laughing "And I'm even wearing HIS fancy shoes!"

The expensive haircut and the manicure were gone, along with everything else, and the former investment banker is now an unemployed homeless bum with a criminal record; he had been thrown out of his condo and his wife had left him. It's hard to believe this was the same confident man in the expensive suit and the polished shoes he had seen that day in the park.

"Spare change, sir?" said the banker-turned-panhandler, without looking up.

"Forget it!" snapped the factory worker. "Get a job! Those republicans! They never think it will happen to them!"
http://smilejoke.net/humor/489.html#comments Wed, 07 Sep 2011 23:37:13 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/488.html A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said," That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.


I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after." http://smilejoke.net/humor/488.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:44:30 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/487.html Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!" http://smilejoke.net/humor/487.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:43:25 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/486.html A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works:

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers - all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks,

"Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. http://smilejoke.net/humor/486.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:41:34 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/485.html During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled, and grabbed her public address microphone,

"May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.

Although the passengers were delayed and late, all but one were no longer frustrated and angry. http://smilejoke.net/humor/485.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:40:43 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/484.html Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." http://smilejoke.net/humor/484.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:39:42 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/483.html There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.

"You gotta help me find my parrot!" she said.

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to be concerned. "The parrot should fly back in a few days." he said.

Full of desperation, the lady cried, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is 'Here, kitty, kitty!!!'" http://smilejoke.net/humor/483.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:37:57 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/482.html An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." http://smilejoke.net/humor/482.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:37:24 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/481.html For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash every day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off." http://smilejoke.net/humor/481.html#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 10:36:31 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/480.html You know you are an addicted internet junkie if...

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.

18. You say......."Where did the time go??"

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You're on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP."

29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life. http://smilejoke.net/humor/480.html#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2011 08:45:22 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/479.html Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ?? cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading down the street. Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse and call the baker for delivery. http://smilejoke.net/humor/479.html#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2011 08:44:14 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/478.html A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the following discussion took place.

Attorney: "Well, do you have grounds?"

Farmer: "Yes, I have about 140 acres."

Attorney: "No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--thats where I keep my John Deere."

Attorney: "No, no! I mean do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes, sir--I wear it to church every Sunday."

Attorney: "Well, does your wife beat you up?"

Farmer: "No, sir. We both get up at 4:30."

Attorney: "All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you want a divorce?"

Farmer: "Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful conversation with that woman." http://smilejoke.net/humor/478.html#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2011 08:43:18 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/477.html One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour behind schedule."

Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."

After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever. http://smilejoke.net/humor/477.html#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2011 08:42:21 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/476.html A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe had a stroke or something. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!" http://smilejoke.net/humor/476.html#comments Fri, 24 Jun 2011 08:41:41 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/475.html Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession! http://smilejoke.net/humor/475.html#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:14:39 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/474.html Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. Ed began by saying to his new lady friend that meant so much to him, "It's only fair to warn you that I'm a complete and utter golf nut. I eat, sleep and breath golf.... so if that's a problem, you'd better say so right now".

"Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," replied Ed, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off." http://smilejoke.net/humor/474.html#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:13:44 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/473.html A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table." http://smilejoke.net/humor/473.html#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:11:29 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/472.html Off the coast of Newfoundland a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result.

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day, and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing.

When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled!

The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal.

The moral of the story is you can't send a buoy to do a moon's job. http://smilejoke.net/humor/472.html#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:10:51 +0400 http://smilejoke.net/humor/471.html Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out. "There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than I," Dobbins thought. "The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!" http://smilejoke.net/humor/471.html#comments Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:09:57 +0400