http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/ Gilding the lily with jocularity. en-US Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:48:32 -0700 http://www.typepad.com/ http://www.rssboard.org/rss-specification http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/07/a-oneeyed-blog.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/07/a-oneeyed-blog.html My stylist is always telling me that I'm a "Spring." That’s super! Until, of course, the warm tones in my cheeks begin to draw unnecessary attention to the chartreuse in my bruised and scabbed eyelid that’s now hiding behind an eye patch. Yes. You heard me right (or left in this case). I’m wearing an eye patch. ARRRRRRRGH! It was 5:30AM yesterday morning when the “incident” occurred. The Judge, that’s my Puggle, decided to make a ruling on my face! He thought I was playing when I’d motioned for him to lie back down at the end of the bed... Funny Life Humor Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:48:32 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/07/my-entry.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/07/my-entry.html There I was, both legs dangling. D-A-N-G-L-I-N-G... Dangling like that small fleshy lobe at the back of one’s throat. Dangling like a roadrunner stuck on your bumper. Dangling like male genitalia that gets caught in a zipper. Dangling like the bling around Flava Flav’s neck. Dangling like parasites hiding in a Kentucky mullet. Dangling like Michael Jackson’s baby over a railing. You get the point, I was dangling. And just how did it come to pass that I should find both my legs dangling and ass bottoms up from outside my second story window? Well, I’ll tell you… I set... Funny Life Humor Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Thu, 15 Jul 2010 13:04:41 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/07/male-order-bride.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/07/male-order-bride.html He walks into the bar most nights with his shoulders slouched down as his heavy feet scuff loudly against the cement floor - but not tonight. With dark eyes that match the hair dye he uses to color his thick and mangy toupee, the monochromatic rhythm of his personality seems to skip a beat this evening. “Gripes! What the hell is happening here?” I think to myself as “Barstool Number 9” takes his usual seat at the bar. A lovely brunette saunters in ten paces behind him and takes her place at the barstool on his right. “What, pray tell,... Dating and Relationships Funny Life Humor Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:06:41 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/06/in-loving-memory-of-the-rip-sticker.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/06/in-loving-memory-of-the-rip-sticker.html Okay, here’s something I just don’t understand… …RIP decals on the car window in tribute to a deceased Hector or Juan, Spanky, Janice or whomever? I mean “RIP Daddy” is super thoughtful and says that you did in fact love your father. But the spandex and bippy top we see as you step out of your car says that your love may not have been reciprocated. I’m seeing them on car windows more and more these days and I don’t, for the life of me (oh, uh, that was real tacky word choice), understand why people think it’s endearing to... Life Humor Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:16:07 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/06/when-life-gets-in-the-weigh.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/06/when-life-gets-in-the-weigh.html If I were a celebrity, this would be my “JSP” – You know, my Jessica Simpson Phase? It’s that time of life when you’ve gone and gained a few pounds so instead of looking fit you look puffy and instead of looking toned you look tubby. Wait, did I just say tubby? That reminds me… I interrupt my own story to tell you about a time I ordered a non-fat vanilla latte. The Barista took my order and kindly requested my name. To which I replied, “Debbie.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that” she said. “What is it?” “Debbie.” I... Life Humor Web/Tech Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Thu, 10 Jun 2010 11:18:11 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/04/debbie-does-dating-them-apples.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/04/debbie-does-dating-them-apples.html I seem to be getting an influx of emails from frustrated singles looking for love both online and offline. I suppose I'm a good one to ask since I've encountered almost every scenario around. Here's an Email I received from a gentleman in Santa Ana: Dear Debbie Does Dating, I’m not ashamed to say I’m back in the dating scene. After 16 years of marriage, I’m back on the market. But I am surprised to discover how much the “market” has changed. It’s a strange new place these days with fancier packaging, new tools (like online dating) and produce that... Dating and Relationships Life Humor Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Wed, 28 Apr 2010 12:09:06 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/04/voice-male.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/04/voice-male.html I doubt that I’m the only single girl in the world to program the names of men I’ve dated in my cell phone by the visual that comes to mind instead of storing them by their God-given name. I’m not the only one…right? How could I be? After all, doing so is sheer brilliance ~ like a roll call for romance rejects or the “ones to avoid list,” if you will. For instance, “Spitball Man” carries that moniker because whenever he would start talking, his verbal pace would quicken and soon white balls of mucus would begin to form in... Dating and Relationships Life Humor Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Fri, 09 Apr 2010 10:14:14 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/04/pica-boo.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/04/pica-boo.html “All right stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new addiction…” I was sitting in an outdoor cafe enjoying great conversation with a friend when I realized that I had a problem. A car pulled up in front of the restaurant. The driver came around to the back of the vehicle and popped the trunk to expose two large yellow buckets. He lifted them cautiously and set them on the curb. My eyes widened with excitement as he motioned a waitress over to help him carry the buckets into the restaurant. “LOOK!” I exclaimed to my friend.... Life Humor Weblogs Debbie J. Smith Mon, 05 Apr 2010 09:02:41 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/03/lodged-in-bubble-gum-and-a-bad-mortgage.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/03/lodged-in-bubble-gum-and-a-bad-mortgage.html I filled countless hours as a young girl playing just beyond where the sidewalk ends --in the gutter! Who would have imagined that I would roll up my sleeves and splash around in the run-off like a scabbed-kneed boy? Yet, day after day my twin sister and I would faithfully report to the gutter for "toothpick races." It was a game we created to chase away summer boredom and to launch ourselves into an imaginary world. With enthusiasm and expectancy, we would carefully place our toothpicks side by side in the overflowing gutter and reluctantly release them to that unpredictable... Current Affairs Life Humor Debbie J. Smith Thu, 25 Mar 2010 11:24:41 -0700 http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/03/a-letter-to-my-uterus.html http://www.smithwit.com/my-blog/2010/03/a-letter-to-my-uterus.html NOTE: I write about things that affect me, whether difficult or hopeful. In all that I am going through or experiencing, I try to find humor. I do this for me more than for you. So, with that, and in honor of International Women’s Day, I give to you “A Letter To My Uterus:” Dear Ute, Lately I’ve been thinking that I’d like you better if you stored bees that I could shoot out randomly at people... machine-gun style. Or, if you were a locker that I could keep items in that I use on a regular basis such as... Life Humor Debbie J. Smith Mon, 08 Mar 2010 09:43:15 -0800