smonk you: the best freaking daddy blog ever

I just can't mourn the death of a crack addict

2012-02-14T08:00:00.000-06:00

This should probably be filed under "maybe this make's me an ass but..."

Yesterday morning on the way to work I heard a medley of Whitney Houston songs... It's not my style of music but I can objectively say she has an amazing voice. The thing about the songs is I had heard them all pre-1997... Because since she started doing crack she hasn't really produced any notable music... I realize she might not have been on crack but she was a fan of the drugs...

And she probably smoked some crack.

Perhaps I'm callous but I'll always see her as a crack addict... Michael Jackson will always be a child molester... But I don't listen to either of their music so it's easy to separate it.

Although Andrew Wood, lead singer of Mother Love Bone who died days before the scheduled release of his first album from a heroin overdose, will always be a fool and I think of it every time I listen to their album... While for some reason I always see Kurt Cobain's death as just sad.

Why we posthumously hold people like Whitney and Michael up on pedestals blows my mind...

It's weird to compare deaths of folks but I think that's what we do as humans... And one recent death that hit me this year was Sarah Burke, the freestyle skier. Her name was a mainstay on the X-games winner pedestal... She progressed the sport in a huge way... She died too young doing what she loved and that to me is sad. She wasn't destroying herself.

Her death did get some press. The X-games had a great memorial for her.

I realize action sports get less press than music... That she probably "touched" fewer lives. But as a father people like Sarah are the ones I'd rather mourn. Because who, and how, we mourn will show our kids who to look up too...

And action sports aside I want MF to look up to folks that aren't crack smokers, child molesters or heroin addicts.

I'm not saying I deserve a medal or an award but...

2012-02-13T07:52:00.000-06:00

It's well documented that I was completely freaked out by kid before MF was born... And a whole gaggle of kids made me completely nutso and uncomfortable.

And really while I've changed a bit I still feel pretty much the same. Unkown kids freak me out. A gaggle of them is one of the most uncomfortable situations I can possibly be in... And for the record I probably don't like 97% of kids and still think 99% of babies are ugly (I just add that because it's true and I feared I would changed after we had a kid).

But the other day I picked the kid up from school and two of his classmates were there... And as I was looking at the fish tank Staci suggested I read a book to him... In hindsight I think she knew what would happen.

I grabbed a book and sat down to read to him... And then I was encircled by the two other kids in his class... Like drippy nosed hyenas with big puppy dog eyes and smiles they sat waiting for me to read a book.

And so I put my fear aside and rocked it...

Between them pretending to eat everything on the page (something MF no longer does because he says that pictures aren't real) and then showing me they each have a belly button and that they can each flip over and showing me that they each like a different fish than the others do and then bringing book after book to me to read I somehow survived... And it made me stronger.

I'm not saying I'm ready to open a kid's book store and have story time but one small step (although I still have gross flashbacks of three runny noses staring at me).

And I'm not saying that I deserve an award because this is something other folks do naturally... But I believe in my heart that future generations will look at this moment and see that they should create an award for this kind of situation and then name it after me.

I guess it's probably my fault

2012-02-06T22:37:00.000-06:00

If you missed my post from November in which MF is watching a bike video you should check it out. We still limit screen time for him but I always cave when it comes to that video or another of Danny MacAskill's videos.

Really though he's not just watching... He's participating...

He's moved from casual observation to full on mimicking... But without a bike.

Not sure how this came about but he loves it... I should mention in the first video he was supposed to be laying low as he had pneumonia... It didn't stop him. It did slow him down a bit.

On the second one we were getting ready to go to an indoor skatepark for the first time to watch the kids... He had a ton of fun while we were there but this is what we did to get ready. It's a small slice of a larger video which includes me bopping him on the head when I jumped over him... But I lost some weight and those pants were falling off... No one wants to see crack.

I'm still hoping to get a long version of just him. I thought I'd have it last week but that's when he asked me to join.

Evolution of the Sick Day

2012-01-31T04:00:00.000-06:00

This is another post in my Vick's VapoRob VapoDad series. I should do a little update for you. On the first post I announced that I was in a fantasy football league and although I know nothing about football I was kicking but... Then I announced that Drew Brees was the Vick's VapoDad.

Ironically that week my team played a team with Drew on it... I lost miserably and then my team spiraled down to a total fail...

Sick days... I've found that the idea of them has changed drastically since I was a kid.

Back in the day, unless you were deathly ill, they were great... Especially if they were only a day or two long. If you were out for more your parents might make you do school work to catch up and that's just ridiculous.

But one day out for me meant The Price is Right and hoping that I'd get to see that guy drop in the Cliffhangers game

It also meant my mom would make orange Jello with sprite and pineapple inside... It was awesome then but now I think of what's in Jello and it's just disgusting to me but still it was all good.

And I'd usually get an Archie digest... If I was going to the doctor I might get a double digest but the single was ok for one day.

Then came my teenage days... Not as awesome on the homefront because there comes that time in which you're old enough to be home alone and take care of yourself... I'd make my own soup or whatnot, no Archie comics but I still had TPIR. But I had a job so sick days meant I didn't have to work... It also meant I didn't get paid.

And sometimes they meant if I had something going on I could call in sick to work and have a free day... I didn't so that often but it happened a couple times.

College is when sick days stared sucking... It's not easy to miss classes, at least it wasn't for me, so sick days involved me dragging my but to class and getting everyone else sick... Basically getting experience for later on in life. No professor cares that you missed a test when you're sick... I actually missed one because I got my wisdom teeth pulled and the whole city was out of codeine (not even kidding) and I got dinged huge for taking a test late.

Then you get a real job... There are three kinds of adult sick days...

The one where you're sick as a dog and you go to work anyway because you have so much stuff going on that you can't miss... And everyone else did the same so you're just passing germs back to some other poor sucker.

There are the ones where you're super crazy sick and really can't go to work... And life is miserable because no one is making you soup. You're too sick to go to the drug store to get the meds you're out of them. Side note, and I'm not saying this they're sponsoring this post, Vicks sent me an awesome care package of their products and it was awesome because I was out of everything and a day from leaving on my Mexico trip... Nyquil and Dayquil were to the rescue... As much as I'm a dude who rarely takes meds I seriously love that stuff.

And since you're going no where you can't get an Archie double digest and if you did it might look like you're creepy or a loser since you're too old, and they probably lose something when you're almost 40...

But you still might see the Cliffhanger game on TPIR, even though it's old, however you'd have to sit through Drew Carey's semi-awkward hosting duties...

Those are the first two... I guess I could add the fake ones... In full disclosure I've pulled one of those as an adult but it was to go snowboarding and it was a day that nothing was really going on so it's all good.

The last kind of sick day is when people with kids are taking sick days to be home with their sick kid...

If you're like me you think this is the greatest scam ever at least I thought to pre-kid.

First off who knows that the kid is sick anyway... Second, remembering from my days of youth, I was a perfect angel when I was sick and so when my mom stayed home it was like a vacation for her.

And so I kind of envied these people who took days off to look after their "sick" kid.

Then MF started getting sick. All. The. Time.

It happened in correlation to him going to school... The problem was I was relatively new to my job so taking time off might not look great. And Staci was at the end of her school year which is really important and hard to miss (then at the beginning of the year after the summer break when he had a relapse of being sick All. The.Time.)

She got him on the summer days, I took a lot of the other days. And let me tell you, as you know if you have toddlers... Sick days suck.

The first sick day I took off with MF I can remember him not even trying to sleep. He didn't want to watch Kipper, his favorite show at the time and a fave of mine. He just wanted to run around like a maniac even though he was crazy sick. He wanted to eat everything but had nothing. He would have moments of awesome cuddling but that would last maybe two minutes at a time then we'd start all over again...

It was nuts... It was not relaxing... It got me sick... And so the second day I had to do the same running around while my head felt like it was in a vice while I was underwater.

I can't wait until we get to the good days I remember... When we can watch TPIR, probably hosted by Russel Brand by then, and eat some fake vegetarian Jello, or real vegetarian fake Jello and read some Archie comics...

But for now we're in the stage where something that was so great became something so not good.

Inaugural Edition of First Gen Dads: Smonk You

2012-01-28T00:19:00.002-06:00

Preamble:
I've Back in June I wrote a post called First Generation Dad that touched on how I feel to be a dad when I didn't really have a good father figure of my own. And I got an idea but didn't have time to flesh it out... Six months later and I finally had the time.

I'm starting what I hope to be a new feature and calling it First Gen Dads. The idea is I'll invite other dads who, for whatever reason, didn't have a father around when they grew up.

Stealing some words from my first guest (coming up next month) it's an important topic.

I think it's one that's not thought about much.

One thing that really got me thinking about this came a few months after my aforementioned post. It was a letter that a radio morning show guy wrote to his soon to be son. First I should mention I only listen to that morning show not that station. Second what got me about the letter is when he talks about all the things his dad taught him...

My father taught me nothing... Seriously nothing. The closest he got was the time he bought me some ridiculously expensive remote control car that we were going to build together. We opened the box and checked out the parts... We were going to put it together the next few times I saw him... He put it together that night... And I was only allowed to play with it once because a piece broke.

However while he taught me nothing I learned a lot from him... I learned what I didn't want to be like as a dad.

The format of this new thing is a few questions and then a lighter Q&A. The questions on that first part are mostly things people have asked me... But when asked I'd always kind of blow them off and answer in few words...

Things get a bit more real when you really answer...

Hope you all enjoy... And the only way this is going to become a thing is if I can get other First Gen Dads to feature... So if you know any send them my way, on twitter or email or telepathy.

Why wasn't your father around when you were growing up?

I think my father was out of the house when I was 11. Then I had to see him for a bit because of visitation... But I stopped going when I was around 14 and he didn't seem to care, although one year he sent me some a cassingle of Mike + the Mechanics - The Living Years in hopes I'd be moved... I wasn't.

He was never a father to me. He was emotionally abusive to my mom... That affected the whole family. He's an ass and was never really a dad... It's why I feel I was fatherless even though he was around so long.

He also, legally, didn't have to pay any child support... That's because my grandfather gave him part of his business and he then had to pay him to go away... Legal stuff aside that's just morally wrong... To have nice cash and not care to give a cent to your kids... So if he's reading this I'd ask him to take some of his ill gotten cash and set up a college fund for Miloh.

Racking my brain I can only think of a handful of memories of him... One is him giving me a pretzel on Passover (you're not supposed to eat that stuff and at the time I was observing it). The other was when my mom changed the locks and he came over the house and tried to change them back... I innocently asked if I could see his tools then through them in the neighbors bushes and into the sewer so he couldn't continue. Anything else is really just a story not a memory.

Me with my grandfather who is the
closest thing I have to a dad really.

Me and the dog I never really cared for.
My boots and sunglasses rock.

Do you have a relationship with him now?
No. I haven't had any contact since I was 14. He stopped sending birthday checks when I was about 22. The last one actually paid the cost of my name change.

He's looking for me though... A few years ago he asked my sister about a Kenny Friedman that lived in Minnesota and one in New Jersey or such... I got a strange call one that leads me to think he found me... But I didn't lead on that I was who the caller was looking for... He's super computer savvy so I'd bet if he did he's seen this blog.

Before you were a dad what did you look forward most about being a dad?
I'm not really sure. I think I always wanted a little me... And to give said little me a good father figure. I think I got that kid and I'm trying my best to be the dad he deserves.

What was your greatest fear?
The concept of a father has always been incredibly abstract to me. I knew my friends' fathers but I couldn't grasp the idea of having one for myself... And I had good male role models like my grandfather and such but it really didn't translate to what being a father meant...

So it was/is the fear of a total unknown for me and I don't want to fuck it up.

Are you the father you thought you'd become?
Like I said above I didn't grasp what a dad was and had no expectations... I knew I would be the opposite of my father... I think I've been accomplishing that.

How has fatherhood changed you?
I'm more patient... MF has made me super patient about stuff that would drive me nuts before and he's made me more chill... Being around him calms me because I want him to be in a good place.

Is there anything you wish your father knew about you as a father?
Not really. He doesn't mean anything to me so I wouldn't share anything with him.

Any wisdom for new dads?
Forget what you already know*. I think a lot of people have tons of plans and expectations, I had a few. They all change super fast because you have to react to the kid you have and not to the kid you expect you'll have.

Something I learned from Staci's (my wife) world of Montessori is they observe the child and that's how they know how to guide them. I try to do that... Observe MF and figure out what I should do.

*I feel like that quote is from something and the only thing I can find is a Jason Mraz song... I never listened to him so that's not it.

And now part two Q&A... I wish there was a better way to show this on the blog, you'll have to click it to see it larger.

You probably need to clickity click to read

His Last Free Ride... Unless He Becomes A Pilot... Or Wins A Trip... Or Needs To Travel For Business... Or... Part Two

2012-01-24T23:24:00.001-06:00

If you missed part one of my two part series on our trip to Mexico you really missed nothing.

Something I forgot to mention that happened day two was that I bought my first can of Axe body spray. I forgot deodorant and everything I found had anti-perspirant in it and I don't know all the facts but I know that if you use you get a phone call right after then you die seven days later...

The only non-anti-perspirant stuff was a lonely can of Axe. So I tried it... And I can tell you the commercials lie. Not one angel fell from the sky.

Also I should mention that there was a ton of pool time the first few days but and in one of those days a dog bit an orange ball that was at the pool... We heard about it from MF the rest of the week.

Day Four:

You can get falafel in Isla Mujeres... At Mañana (a cool little cafe that has a mini used bookstore in it). Said falafel rocks... And the hot sauce is awesome.

As a general rule the hot sauces in Isla were awesome and so different at every place.

MF likes iguanas but calls them guanas.

I don't know what this graphic means... It's from an elevator. I get the gist it's just not done well.

We went to an area with a little Mayan ruins... They had great warning signs.

Pretty normal falling rocks sign

Don't hold up the cliff

Don't stand perfectly still at the edge of a cliff

Then we headed to lunch...

On the ocean near the restaurant there was a nurse shark in an underwater pen... For a couple buck (no idea ho much) you could get into the pen for a picture of you holding the shark... This is so freaking cruel and ridiculous... NEVER do it.

I have an another awesome pic of MF on the beach from the trip... I hesitate to put it on the site though, sorry to tease. But maybe I will when I get the photo our friend took while I was shooting the great pic... They look cool together. Any way he liked the ocean but only went in up to his knees...

I only got a Pina Colada but someone at the table got vegetarian tacos... The octopus in them made them extra vegetarian in Mexico.

That night we went to a restaurant in which the men's room only had a urinal... You could not sit if you needed to... Luckily I didn't need to.

Day Five:

We went snorkeling. I brought the WG-1 for this because we went to a place where they have underwater sculptures. It's called MUSA. It was really freaking cool... My pics were just eh because they made us wear lifejackets. I think part because there were a ton of boats around and they probably had no insurance... And it was crazy choppy.

So choppy I came seconds away from offering my breakfast to the fish to enjoy.

B;ah, blah, blah... More guacamole, pool time and pina colada's... This is when being a vegetarian started to really freaking suck... But I knew that was going to happen soon enough.

Day Six:

This is where I really gotta thank the folks at Pentax for humoring and giving me the camera.

Half underwater awesomeness

More food... It was another place with inch thick pancakes... MF was not a fan of the camera.

Putting my lens cap on... I love these shots and have many

Yada, Yada, Yada another great meal then we put the kids to sleep (with good company to watch over them) and headed to the square for their New Year's celebration. It was super fun but really you know what those are like.

Day Seven:

This.

In camera panorama that isn't so bad

I went around shooting random stuff...

A beautiful beachfront hotel... Not where we stayed.

Sunset happened and I finally caught some pics

Some random girl

Sunsets plus fill light equals awesomeness

The night for the kids ended with MF and his buddy, who he now calls his brother, reading books.

Day Eight:

Headed back to the states... I got a Mexican Coke in the can, so much better than Mexican Coke in the bottle... But they don't need to list the ingredients there which is odd...

And then I went to Johnny Rockets in the Cancun airport to get an order of half fries half rings. I also ordered a bottle of water. While waiting for my order they called our flight and I grabbed the goods but forgot the water... So if you find yourself in the Cancun airport head to the Johnny Rockets and ask them for my water... You're welcome.

Then we headed home... The flight was uneventful because MF slept... Oh I guess you could call the whole thing where we couldn't take off because a guy locked himself in the bathroom and then when he finally came out he was super sick and fainted so we had to head back to the gate eventful. You could also call it a run on sentence.

Moral of the story: The trip was great but I forgot to mention that every day we had to walk MF around to get him to sleep in his stroller because he wouldn't sleep in the bed. It got old... Traveling with a two year old is really really hard but I'm glad we had the experience.

Two

2012-01-22T23:59:00.000-06:00

His Last Free Ride... Unless He Becomes A Pilot... Or Wins A Trip... Or Needs To Travel For Business... Or... Part One

2012-01-18T22:54:00.002-06:00

I think in my head I wrote a post that will be better than this one but I forgot it... Also I really know how to get people to read further.

But I've learned that if I don't write stuff down immediately it's lost.. But I've also learned that when I don't write stuff down, but have an idea, my words come out best the second time. Which is really the first time...

So join me on the journey to discover if this post will suck... And join me on a journey to Mexico too.

They day after our Jewy Christmas we hopped on a plane to Isla Mujeres. Actually we hopped in a car to the airport, on a plane to Cancun and in a boat to Isla Mujeres. No trains were involved but a boat was so that's a solid trip.

We were joined by some of our good friends and their son on the trip. It was a milestone of a trip... The last one that we could take MF on without paying for a ticket.

I could bore you with all the details of the trip... But I'm not sure why anyone would care (actually I have no idea why people read my blog... Seriously you can leave a comment about what you like about it and that can help me figure out what to write about...)

Also it wouldn't be my style... So I figured I could do a bullet list of the trip.

First would be that it was awesome and we had great company... I need to say that in case my sarcasm/cynicism hides all that.

Here goes... A non-bulleted bullet list of our trip to Isla Mujeres.

Day one:

I pack awesomely... One bag was 50lbs one was 49.5lbs... When packing the night before I felt like Schindler in my decision what could go and what couldn't. We had a scale but you never know if those are off... I rock. Also it might be incredibly insensitive for me to compare my packing style with Oskar Schindler but I did.

Terminal two of MSP has no good vegetarian food. Terminal one does have good stuff and it has pinball. But we were in two.

I say a friend I used to work with who was also on our plane... He's a creative director like me so and I told MF to not grow up like either of us... To do something more noble like rob banks.

MF is awesome on planes... He slept the whole way and was super cute the time he was up.

MF loves those pull-apart red vines (which by the way are not licorice... Licorice needs to be licorice flavor).

Wait I think I'm forgetting that he was actually up a lot on the flight there and he was super active... But cute and not "that kid". You know, that kid.

Mexico does not care about child safety in cars. That's a blanket statement that might not be true but the car seat situation there was so not safe.

Mexico wanted me to die in a car before getting to Isla Mujeres. Again a blanket statement but everyone was buckled in and my buckle was as safe as a piece of twine wrapped around something you wrap twine around.

MF loves a boat ride... He went on his first. For those who haven't been to Isla you take a ferry from Cancun. That boat has two dudes playing guitar and singing on the top... There's something so awesome about them. They were so tinny like Liz Phair's Girlysound (the extra stuff on the album).

Mexican's hate salt. Might technically be a blanket statement... Might technically be wrong. But the place we went to that first night didn't use salt on their tortilla chips. A lot of real mexican places here do the same... However in Chicago a lot of the places do add salt. Maybe it's a regional thing in Mexico.

Day two:

Waking up with MF and going to the beach might be one of the coolest thing ever... Also no matter how many times you ask it's still a coconut (that might only apply to MF).

My two is still black from that time I kicked a wolf and saved 200 children.

They make super crazy thick pancakes on Isla... I'm talking an inch thick.

I was wishing I had a dime so it would give it some size reference.

You might hear someone say "do you think we should get Johnny (or a different name) a felt burro with a masked rider holding a gun?"

I don't know what Apoya means...

The words say Apoya a los demas...

The interval photo capture to movie thing on my Pentax WG-1 freaking rocks and I forgot to use it... I did a test that's not worthy of showing but forgot to do another session.

MF likes rigatoni. I don't like on-camera flash.

When you ask for hot pepper at Rolandi's in Isla Mujeres you might think you'll get crushed red pepper but you get some awesome roasted hot green pepper in olive oil concoction... And it rocks.

Flambe makes cakes awesome.

Day three:

MF wants you to like pull-apart red vines.

MF took his first shower. He peed in the shower for the first time. He enjoyed both.

Guacamole rocks.

When they are out of veggie burgers a normal hamburger seems like a reasonable substitute.

We did a bunch of other stuff but I forget what all that was. Also photos help you remember stuff.

I'll stop at day three and break this in to two posts... The next one will include really odd warning signs and more things in vegetarian food.

The $157 lunch -or- The Open Letter I'd Love To Write But Probably Shouldn't

2012-01-15T22:45:00.001-06:00

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me (with a cute little shrug): 35
Officer: You were going 44
Me: Hmm
Officer: Do you know the speed limit?
Me: 30
Officer: License and registration please
Me: Here's my license. My registration is in this pile (showing the contents of my glove box).
Officer: I'll start things and come back for that
Me: Do you mind if I text my wife and tell her that I'll be late in bringing lunch to my sick little boy who's right down this street?
Officer: Go ahead

Moral of the story: I should have shown him my boobs.

This should be a VapoRub VapoDad post because I was in fact showing of my best dad skills but I don't want to connect them to my minor crimes... And they sent me a nice gift basket of Vick's products which have basically been keeping me alive the last week so I want to stay on their good side.

The deal was the kid was sick again and he was going to go to the doctor because his cough was super not good. And I was going to take him during my lunch.

However while at school he was feeling much better so that plan got scrapped... But he needed lunch.

So I hauled ass to Whole Foods and got him some of his favorite things from the salad bar (including mushrooms which is just weird for a kid) and added that to a can of soup... Then headed to his school.

I had a choice: get off on one road that is more residential but has less lights or get off on one that has a faster speed limit but a lot of lights. I choice the former. I chose poorly.

First I was met with school zones... Then when I adjusted my speed to make up for slowing down at the school zones I was pulled over. And got a $145 ticket which combined to the $12 I spent on MF's, Staci and my lunch makes Whole Foods so much more expensive than you thought.

I was speeding... I admit it. It was the first time ~~I was caught speeding since my second week of driving~~ I ever sped because I'm a law abiding citizen and follow all rules.

But while I admit I was going just a touch over the speed limit I don't agree with the ticket I got... And here is the letter I would write to the city if I wasn't scared I'd be thrown in jail, stalked to make sure I don't break any other rules or ignored when I call thinking I have CO poisoning when it's just a cold.

Dear (city) Police Department.

I know what you're thinking right now: Holy shit is Kenny really sending us an open letter? I thought he just did that to companies asking for free stuff. I'm blown away. I need to call someone.

I'm still shaking I'm so excited.

Well yes I am writing you a letter but please calm yourself down a bit.

Here's the deal. I got a ticket the other day but for a crime I did not commit. I'll admit that I may have been going 44 in a 30 in order to get lunch to my cute little sick munchkin of a boy in time for him to eat at school but I wasn't given a ticket for going fast in a 30 mph zone (which for readers is an actual citation you can get... I thought people just got generic speeding tickets and paid based on the speed but here they separate them by posted mph and then ding you more if you go 20 over that speed).

I was given a ticket for: Speed faster than reasonable and prudent.

My speed was in fact prudent. The Google definition (and really all others) say prudent means: Acting with or showing care and thought for the future.

That was in fact exactly what I was doing.

Let me break this down for you first by giving you a little history and then telling you my I was in fact prudent in showing great care for the future.

First off let's just get out the skeleton in Minnesota's closet... Drivers here suck. The norm for Minnesotan's is to drive at a minimum of five miles under the speed limit... And those aren't the assholes who are texting or talking on their phone and driving slower.

Most of the time I drive here (approximately 97% of the time) I'm blocked in my some super slow driving Minnesotans. I've paid my dues in the slow driving movement they have going on here and I feel I've built up the ability to go slightly over the limit once or twice because of this. This was my first time... Seriously.

Second, in this instance I had to slow down in front of some school zones along my path. The signs here all say "slow when children are present" or some such. Seriously that's so Minnesotan too... What does that mean? When children are in class? When they are on the sidewalk? When they're in the middle of the street?

I prefer the old fashioned school zone between 7:00am and 4:00pm on school days... Makes a lot more sense you know. I also will except the super old fashioned version of that which uses "betwixt" instead of "between".

So I did my duty in slowing for those schools and was just making up for that lag in speed... Pretty reasonable to me.

Also it was 11:20am and the temperature was (at most according to the day's high) 16 degrees outside. NO ONE WAS OUTSIDE. There was a zero percent chance of a pedestrian or any such being in the way while I was driving... No one to harm and so the speed was rather quite acceptable.

And now we're coming down to the home stretch (which was actually where I was in my travels)... My super cute son who has super cute long lashes and just makes you want to gobble him up...

Was super crazy sick in the morning. Coughing wheezing and all that... It was heartbreaking. And we were going to take him to the doctor but plans changed... So I needed to get him lunch before the kids at his school ate...

Because if he didn't have lunch he'd of course be hungry. He'd be sad. He'd feel his parent's didn't love him because we didn't pack him lunch. He would cry and his super crazy cute long eyelashes would drip with tears.

The time I needed to get it to him was 11:25. I was pulled over at 11:20 not three minutes away from his school.

I was in fact prudent... Your office was not... I'm not calling for his badge... You expunging the ticket and a written apology personally delivered to me with a double espresso and a nice biscotti is really all I need.

Thanks...

Also since I know you're such a fan of mine I will print this out on paper that is suitable for framing and sign it if you'd like for a low fee of $25.

Yours always... Kenny

I'm Sick

2012-01-12T09:15:00.001-06:00

The kid got me sick again so I was going to do a little photo of blocks saying "I am Sick" but I was too tired to do that...

Like I a bit ago new posts should be coming up next week... But I thought I'd remind you of a couple about being sick...

They're from my Vick's VapoRub sponsored posts series.

The first, which is actually the latest, was updated because I forgot to add the best part of being sick that time which was me thinking I had carbon monoxide poisoning.

The second is about MF mistaking the inner ear for noodles and me laughing at him while he's crying out of frustration... Really father of the year stuff.

And I might as well link to the third which is about MF raging like a teenage girl.

Seriously I'm father of the year.

Legos aren't sexist... People are just bored

2012-01-09T14:07:00.001-06:00

We're still on a break and I don't want you to think this is a backslide situation... I'm still semi out of order for another week...

But people piss me off and sometimes it's better to get timely stuff out in a timely matter...

If you read the news, and I don't mean Yahoo News which I do read but lately only seems to cover star's hairdos and funny basketball shots, then you may have heard of Lego's new product called LEGO Friends and people are pissed and pissed and pissed and most likely freaking bored...

This is sexist... Funny, but sexist... It's also not a Lego Friends set.

And this is where I start hating people (in general not specific folks).

The folks coming against Lego friends are missing a few huge points.

While geared towards girls anybody can play with them... I learned this when I purchased a set and wasn't asked sign a waiver saying it was for a girl.
People can still buy regular sets for girls. I actually can't say I'm 100% correct there (I have an email in to Lego) but I haven't seen signs saying they are for boys only.
Girls are different from boys and, at times, like different things than boys do.
The new sets are 100% compatible with regular Lego which makes them also compatible with Duplo and Quatro (which was discontinued but we have a set.. Thanks Kate, Matt and Jacks)
Lego does not force people to buy any of their sets... This was news to me. If your kid likes Legos but doesn't like castles they don't force you to buy castle sets... Same with space, Star Wars and of course Lego Friends

One article I linked to above says "The Ladyfigs are compatible with regular Lego sets, but the regular sets won’t be available to kids unless parents are willing to buy both kinds." That to me is ridiculous logic... The Lego Friends sets will not be available to kids unless parents are willing to buy them. No toy will be available to kids unless parents are willing to buy them. Food will not be available to kids unless parents are willing to buy it.

The fact is the new colors rock... I think some of the sets are really cool... MF will get the treehouse if it's still around once he's old enough to play with the small parts... On a side note he's moved to regular Legos because he likes them more than Duplo... But we only let him use the larger pieces... We're sizist.

So what's wrong with making more doll-shaped mini figs? LEGO did a ton of research and that's what girls wanted... They wanted back story... And yes they wanted to build.

The sets aren't dumbed down... They're as intricate as any Lego set... It's still about building, it's still about creativity... It's just some different colors and some different figures...

I would hands down buy these sets for a girl if we had one (as I said I'd buy them for MF)... And I'd buy any set she wanted plus she'd get my big 'ol box of Legos...

You can do the same, or not... You see if you think they're sexist the best way to get that across is not buy them... If no one buys them then they go bye-bye.

Oh... And a friend of mine's five year old girl saw the Friends sets and wanted one... As her first Lego set... So there... She got it and now can enjoy Legos and building and do whatever the hell she wants with them on whatever set she wants now that she knows about them... She is having fun.

Also... If you want to read what I think is an Businessweek article about Lego, the new Friends line and how a shoe made Lego rethink their products check this article out... It's kind of fascinating.

And this is of course not some hidden ad post... But if Lego finds me and wants to send me a shitload of products they can... I love the company and when I was a kid I wanted to work from them when I grew up... I grew up but I'm not working for them so I guess I failed... I suck.

P.S. I should say that I'm disturbed that Lego is making boys gay... The spaceman in the scene above is totally drinking a foo-foo drink and we know all guys (except me of course) that drink foo-foo drinks are gay... That cup and pink piece came from the Lego Friends set I got...

Also I'm a bit disturbed by the expression of the guy in green's face... I think the Lego bounce should kick him out but Lego doesn't make a bouncer... If they had he/she would have never let an archer bring his arrows into the club...

Update:

Since people are idiots I sent an email to LEGO asking them "Are you going to be asking people who buy Lego Friends products to sign a waiver, take an oath or anything similar to prove that the Lego Friends product will be given to and used only by girls?

Are you going to be asking people who buy regular Lego products to sign a waiver, take an oath or anything similar to prove that the regular Lego product will be given to and used only by boys?"

I got a reply:

Dear Kenny,
Thanks for getting in touch with us.
We would never make anyone sign a contract to play with any of our products. LEGO® would never want single someone out by any of our product lines. That would never be out intentions or hopes for our new or current product lines. Hopefully this clears things up.

A big thanks to the LEGO folk for the official reply. And there you go... you can let boys play with LEGO friends and girls play with regular LEGOs... And for those who bitched about the product please find something worthy to bitch about... There's so much more going on in the world.

Still Gone

2012-01-05T21:35:00.000-06:00

I'm still on my hiatus but as promised I'm linking to some of my fave post from this year.

I know you appreciate this because an informal study affirmed that 99% of you use my blog as your homepage and spend over an hour a day reading with your morning coffee.

Two of my favorire posts are actually guest posts I did on other blogs.

The first was on The Haps which used to be called Harper's Happening's. It's basically a chronicle of the many narwhal tattoos that Mandy gets (she has 32 right now). I crashed her Mama Style thingy she does... enjoy.

The second was on Chelsey's Paper Mama blog. It's a notable blog because she's actually made of paper. It's a weird disorder that affects up about 300 people globally. It's actually quite sad because she must stay away from fire and if oil gets on her somehow the area it hits becomes translucent forever. Anyway I did a Q&A where I discuss things like how I don't read blogs and reveal how many pairs of shoes I own.

Back Soon

2012-01-03T21:30:00.003-06:00

I just got back from vacation and need a little bit of time before I jump into the blog. Maybe a week. Maybe two. I have posts in the work and a new feature that I want to start up.

In the meantime a few times a week I'll put up some links to some of my favorite posts I did in 2011... That will be nice because it will give me a chance to actual read some of my posts which I don't really do...

New stuff will be up by the 15th or earlier... Until them enjoy:

A letter to my state rep asking why she hates gay people (look for a sequel soon as I got a reply last week)

And my start of the badges I created for parents... More of those to come too.

When Cuddling Goes Gross

2011-12-29T09:59:00.000-06:00

This is another post in my VapoDad series since the good folks at VapoRub are shooting me a bit of cash to write whatever I want.

I don't normally take showers at 11:40 PM but had you broken into my house a few weeks back that's where you would have found me. I used to shower late at night actually, doing stuff in the morning was unheard of pre-kid. Some people thought it was gross to take showers at night but I don't really buy that... But that's not why I switched... It's because the whole thing where MF wakes up if I even step to loudly in the middle of the night. A shower would asure a kid waking.

And while I'm sure you're incredibly interested in my showering habits that's not what this post is about.

It was a couple weeks back when MF spewed a bit while being put to sleep. Stomach flu was going around his class and he wanted to keep up with everyone so he of course caught it.

After some clean up he moved to our bed and went to sleep.

Then an hour later he was up and puking again. Staci grabbed a bowl lined with a plastic bag because that's what they do in her family... I'm not sure what we did growing up but I think it was just a plain bucket or bowl. No plastic bag.

The toilet is the target for us of course since we're older... Also aren't you glad you're reading this post about vomit, toilets and me showering in the middle of the night? The answer should be yes because when it wins a Pulitzer you'll be able to say you read it first.

The reality is a toddler doesn't get the whole "hit the bowl" thing... And he was super sick and sad and quite pathetic but he pulled through.

The third time he got up in the middle of the night was around 11:25. He just wanted to be cuddled and he jumped into my arms. Staci offered the bowl but I took one for the team because that just seemed like the right thing to do.

He grabbed on and leaned his head on me. I thought we'd be all good... Then he puked... On me... Three times.

And it was warm... And wet... And gross... But he was comforted. And a few minutes later I was in the shower.

This isn't an isolated incident... I've caught puke before and earned a badge.

It's not something I'd enjoy... It's not something I'd do for anyone else... It's not something I'd ever thought I would do in the first place... But when it's your kid it's different, right?

It happened one more time that night but a towel on my shoulder caught the goods, which were low in volume because the previous spews.

And two days later Staci and I caught the stomach bug... My heroic efforts where the reason I woke up on the bathroom floor in just shorts with my feet in the unfilled tub... I had puked and felt too crappy to walk back to our room.

Update:

I totally forgot to mention that the day before I got sick I was feeling a bit woozy. I thought maybe there was some carbon monoxide thing going on because I had just been cooking and it felt like carbon monoxide poisoning to me... Of course I don't know what that feels like but I suspected what I was feeling was CO poisoning.

I did the smart thing and brought our CO alarm downstairs and it started beeping... I replaced the batteries and it started beeping again.

I opened windows on that cold cold night, Staci and I got the kid out and I called 911, which is what you're supposed to do.

They came over and it was a little house party... In fact when Staci called for an update I said I was entertaining.

We had one police officer, two firefighters and three EMTs (but one was in training)... They took my vitals and checked for CO levels... There were none.

The deal is CO monitors need to be replaced every five years and they know this... They go off five years after first use (ours took about eight) and the fire depts get calls all the time about it because it's not like a fire alarm when the battery goes off... CO alarms do the same beep as a house full of CO.

In addition I learned that you should get a Nighthawk brand alarm (Kidde is made by them) because the fire dept says they are the best. Also get a digital one because they will tell you the actual level that the CO spiked at.

I know this knowledge basically saved your life and for that you're welcome.

Aw Shit... We Forgot To Do A Holiday Letter: The Letter

2011-12-27T07:42:00.000-06:00

It was a couple days before Thanksgiving when I remembered we didn't do holiday cards this year... That's when we got our first card from a friend. We forget every year. Staci will usually send out some nice cards but we haven't done the family thing... With pics of us and MF.

I feel like that's what you're supposed to do... So I thought I'd do one.

First I had to look back at the best ones I've gotten through the years... And the best are the ones that are total BS... Where it feels like the people live in Whoville (pre-grinch of course) where everything is perfect and their kid is a genius... Then I had to look at a site to get some info on what to write (since I have none in front of me)... And so I give you our Holiday letter,

Dear Family and Friends (or should I say Friends and Family? I'm not sure if it's in order of importance or not and then does the most important go first and last? Maybe just read that part as Dear ____ and put your name in the blank. Then it's more personal and you feel like I care more... Yeah so do that please. Thanks)

Happy Holidays to you! We hope the past year has brought you many blessings.

As you know I don't normally use exclamation points but I copy and pasted that sentence straight from another site because I thought it fit well. I used the whole thing because I don't want to pretend I'm pawning it off as my own only for you to find out and start comparing me to James Frey.

It's not that I have anything against exclamation points it's that I think they're over used and really I wouldn't use one in that sentence. It's not all that exciting.

We had an exciting year in 2011. The kid started school and got sick a ton. He was getting sick at a level twice his age. He's talking up a storm but that his spoken vocabulary doesn't even come close to his written skills. He's written 14 books and self published them as ebooks. Honestly they aren't the best stuff I've written but for a kid under two I'm told they're rather advanced.

He's selling the books for 99¢ a piece and the thing with ebooks is people will buy crap if it's cheap so he sold about $1.4 million worth of books this year. Don't think all that money goes to him. There are fees and such that bring it down to just above $1 million.

We put $1000 of that money in a college account for him but I had a hunch so we took the rest down to the casino and put it on 27 on the roulette wheel. 14 came up. I'm not really sure what happened, the hunch was so strong.

When he's not writing he enjoys soccer of course... Every kid does. He's the best on his team and was recruited by the LA Galaxy. We told them he'll have to wait a year and a half until he's out of the toddler room in school. We really feel that education is important.

Kenny got a new job! He basically sits around all day and tells people when to use exclamation points. It's a new field but we really feel that Exclamation Point Pointing Out is going to take off this year.

Kenny also watched the whole series of Cheers on netflix (well not the whole series because netflix is so lame and is missing 20 episodes. We're very proud of him.

Staci signed up to do a triathlon this year. She signed up really well. You should have seen her it was amazing. MF and I were there with signs of support the whole time... We didn't get any pics because we were so in the moment. She knows we have a lot of love for her... At least she better or this paragraph will get me in trouble. (Side note... Staci, I love you).

This winter has been fantastic. It was the first year MF really played in the snow and understood it. We taught him which snow you can eat and which you can't. We also let him know to ask folks if the snow on their lawn is free-trade, organic, non-GMO and if it has trans fats.

Oh, and he said "fuck" once... But we were able to steer him away from saying it so we believe it was a one time incident. I don't want to blame anyone for that but if I did we'd blame Staci for allowing the kid to be in the car with Kenny. Really it's quite irresponsible. And it's not his fault that Minnesotan drivers are so horrible that it makes him yell such things.

Happy Holidays would be a bit redundant to close on but that's what we'll end with...
Love (if applicable) The Friedman Family

A Very Jewy Christmas

2011-12-25T17:55:00.000-06:00

Did you know Jewy has just one 'w'? I didn't... I was going to use two but then using the google I found that the New York Times uses one 'w' so 'm going with that.

Anyway some stereotypes are based on truth and the one about Jewish folk doing Chinese food on Christmas is absolutely true... And it's partly because they're open and partly because we freaking love it (another true stereotype).

In Cleveland, where I grew up, it was also impossible to get a last minute reservation at a Chinese place the night you break Yom Kippur or Passover fasts (or no bread thing). Here it's not so hard as there are about 6 Jewish people in the metro area... That's a fact.

And while you may have read that I'm not so down with the religion part of Judiasm, I'm down with some of the most important customs... Like Chinese food on Christmas.

Last year I don't remember what we did, actually I think it was Indian food since they're open too. But now that MF is getting older I really think sticking to the traditions are important.

And so we ordered in... And it was good.

Happy whatever you celebrate folks...

Probably a pork rib... So not Kosher

That's a mushroom he's inhaling... He loves them

Weekly Wednesday Wisdom: Don't Cry Wolf –or– Magnet Free Since 2010

2011-12-21T08:03:00.000-06:00

Wisdom for MF: Don't cry wolf

Yesterday we spent a bit of last night at the urgent care. The kid was playing on the fridge when Staci saw him give a look... You know the look.

That I'm doing something I shouldn't look.

So she asked him to come over and he came with mouth closed... The next natural question what's in your mouth followed by, of course, no answer. Then she asked if he ate a magnet... He was playing with these magnets we have on the fridge so that was a good guess... He said yes. She asked him to open his mouth and he did but nothing was there.

When asked if he swallowed the magnet he said no... But when asked if he ate it he said yes.

The deal is it was one of those super strong rare earth magnets... Let me pause my story here for a bit... I have a huge problem with the name of these magnets...

I could go and google it but that would be too much work. I remember looking them up a bit ago and the elements of them are "rare". That's total bullshit. If they were so rare you wouldn't find them in some cheap magnets... You wouldn't find them in magnets at all. Instead we'd be wearing wedding rings that stuck together... But we aren't.

And I'd expect more from scientists... Why are they lying to us? I realize that if it was just some marketing thing it would be a lie.

Ad folk would call them limited edition magnets.

Kind of like they call white chocolate Kit Kats limited edition. They are not... They make millions of them. If I were to buy a case of them and set them aside to sell when I retire I would maybe be able to buy one Kit Kat with what I could sell the moldy old "Limited Edition" Kit Kats for.

I should also mention that I think we're in a candy bar bubble right now... $.89 to 1.09 for a candy bar is ridiculous... That's another reason to not buy a case of Limited Editions you could lose a lot in the short run if the candy bar bubble bursts.

Anyway back to the magnet in the kid's mouth... It can actual be quite dangerous if a kid eats a rare earth magnet because they are stronger than normal ones... Not that eating a normal one is good.

And really they need to eat two magnets or maybe one magnet and a piece of metal that is attracted to a magnet (I believe those metals have a name). They can wreak havoc in the stomach and intestines and actually rip stuff open... But it's quite rare (really rare not "rare earth" fake rare).

So we were freaked and I when I got home I asked MF if he ate a magnet. He said yes.
Did you eat a car? Yes.
Did you eat dog poop? Yes.
Did you eat the refrigerator? Yes.
Did you eat a monkey? Yes.

He was either lying or we had a bigger problem on our hand than we thought.

Better safe than sorry so we took him to the urgent care... Yada yada yada... No magnet.

The kid lied and drove us crazy, got us worried... I realize that if I took a child psychology class (which I actually did but dropped before it started) I would learn he was either just trying to please us by saying yes, playing a game or had no comprehension of why we were asking... Or all of the above.

Point is he cried magnet... Which means the next time we won't believe him whether he ate a magnet, a car, dog poop, a refrigerator or a monkey.

Moral of the Story: There's no need to cry wolf. Wolves are actually quite harmless and pretty damn cool.

Secondary Moral of the Story: If you're going to be in the ad game be a liar – I've known some good liars in my industry... Some have become quite successful. Good liars can also make ~~good~~ politicians, bankers and conmen... Of those three the only respectable career is conman.

Gimme. Gimme.

2011-12-16T10:10:00.002-06:00

background texture by grungetv on flickr

Untitled #7

2011-12-13T12:21:00.000-06:00

Remember that time I got a camera from the awesome folks at Pentax? Well it became the official point and shoot of the blog. I have been busy so unfortunately I haven't posted much from it... But busy isn't the only thing that keeps me from posting pics...

The kid is a big reason I don't have much to post. Since it's rugged (I got the Pentax Optio WG-1) I let him get ahold of it from day one... actually dropped it when it was only two minutes out of the box.

Problem, and it's a good one, is he always wants to play with it when it's out... I'm able to get some shots of him but I have to show him the shots every two or three I take.

So MF took it upon himself to do so self portraits I thought I'd share... These are from his Wow I Have A Crusty Nose series.

Untitled Self Portrait #1

Untitled Self Portrait #2

This next one is probably so artistically over your head unless you have a PHD in Visual Arts. Basically the folks at Harvard want him to visit and discuss the awesomeness of it in a lecture.

Nostril #1

Then I showed him how to set the camera up and look through the screen to get a shot... He placed his train down and composed this... Pretty good perspective actually.

Untitled Train on Shitty Carpet #2

Then he got all full of himself and wanted to send a pic to all his lady friends... So he went all Anthony Weiner in this one... Luckily its just his pajama collar.

Watch out Cindy Sherman

A Totally Full Disclosure

2011-12-07T09:08:00.001-06:00

I few weeks back a twitter friend tweeted a link along with "this is why I think people have a hard time taking bloggers seriously. Are we all on the take?"

It was a link to a blogger's disclosure policy that was, well... Rather incredibly insanely long...

So I thought about my blog... I have done reviews in the very far past and received swag... I actually did allow some sponsored posts because the person who contacted me totally had me at "I know you're PR Unfriendly but..." And I am of course on my hunt for a free iPad (even though in reality I don't want/need one).

And thus (not sure if I'm using that correctly... Wisdom for Miloh: Pay attention in English class.) I feel compelled to write my own disclosure policy just so you all know the real intention behind my blog post and tweets.

While I hate to be that guy (although sort of love being that guy) I feel compelled to link to the original disclosure policy, that has 16 levels of compensation, that inspired this because it will help you understand my reason for this post... So read this now and then come back and read mine...

SmonkYou.com disclosure policy
This policy is valid from April 13th 1923 and may be changed at any time... Probably won't be changed but it may be. Smonkyou.com, authored by the wonderful Kenny Friedman, is the best freaking daddy blog ever written who can be reached at smonk@smonkyou.com. While emails are welcomed paypal payments to that address are more appreciated.

Conpensation
What is compensation really? Dictionary.com defines it as: the act or state of compensating.

Compensation Levels
Compensation levels will not be stated at all at the end of a post... Not because I'm hiding anything but because I'll probably forget to do it most of the time and I don't want all the pressure to remember. However it will be called out somewhere in the post unless it's a link to amazon or such... If it's a link like that I only get compensated if you then buy something so what you should do is click one of those links anytime you're going to purchase from there and then buy something expensive.

Compensation refers to cash, gift cards, free brownies, products, services, the eventual free iPod, random monkeys coming to my house for a play date with the kid or any such thing.

Level -3:  Kenny didn't even think of writing a post.

Level -2:  Kenny thought about writing a post but then got side tracked.

Level -1:  Kenny wrote a post and mentioned a product but did it out of the kindness of his heart because he likes the product... This might include mentioning Megabolt's new print which would make a sweet gift for a boy's room or such. Also the cash goes to a great project.

See what he did there? Kenny mentioned them, got paid nothing, received no "compensation" and the world did not end.

Also Kenny believes he can right off about $23,478 on his taxes because that's what he believes the mention is worth since he has that kind of power... And he think you can write stuff like that off, right?

Level -0.5:  Kenny wrote an open letter to a company asking for free stuff but didn't get it. Really Frito-Lay you can't send him a couple bags of sunflower seeds?

Level 0:  Kenny wrote a post but it didn't mention a product at all.

Level 1:  Kenny wrote a post while at a coffee house. He ordered a medium americano with just a little bit of water. He also said he wanted a caramel. He realized he wasn't charged for said caramel after he was already at home.

Level 2: Kenny wrote a post relevant to his blog and randomly inserted a link to something awesome in hopes you bought it and millions of dollars worth of other stuff so he got like 4% from that sale.

There is an alt to this where he linked to something kind of lame because he couldn't think of anything better.

Level 3: Kenny was compensated by placing a link to a product by some lame company who's offering him cash in exchange for that link. The post will most likely be a waste of your time to read and the product will most likely be blah.

Level 4: Kenny was given an extra apple pie at McDonalds when he bought one. Like he bought one and they gave him two even though it wasn't a "two for" promotion. And the dude just said "here take an extra." And it happened twice in two weeks from two different McDonalds.

Level 5: Kenny mentions a company and their apple pies and sends them a link to the post that mentions them in hopes they send him some giftcards for more pies even though he technically stole them (like that caramel... this is a pattern) and doesn't really go to that restaurant anyway since the aforementioned hypothetical incidents were years ago.

Level 6: Kenny writes a post in a coffee house and they give him the extra shot of espresso that they usually dump when you order a medium espresso. He tweets about how this is ridiculous and that he's either stealing (seriously a pattern) when this happens or getting screwed when it doesn't. I mean c'mon don't have three sizes of espresso and dump one shot from the middle size... Just have two sizes and charge the small and medium price... I'm talking to you Caribou Cofffee.

It would be considered Level -4 if he gets the medium and they don't give him the extra shot and Level -5 if he orders a large espresso... which he doesn't because he'd rather play the ponies with the medium.

Level 7: Kenny was provided a nice night out with his wife or friends in return for a mention of a product or review. In accordance with his PR Policy if said night out includes a movie he will be accompanied by Seth Green. If, I mean when, Seth attends the movie there is a fifty precent chance that he will buy the popcorn (because of alternating popcorn buying nights) however while that is compensation it will not be included in the compensation given and will not affect any review or mention.

Level 8: Kenny is procrastinating one night and reviews some companies on their website. In his review he threatens a company with theft if they don't meet his demands... Really this theft thing is getting out of hands. Someone should alert the authorities.

Anyway let's say hypothetically he says he's going to steal a salt shaker... If he were to somehow receive a salt shaker from said company he'd eventual get around to posting about it... But that's not gonna happen which is why it's hypothetical.

Level 9 (quest 2): There is a red ring in the upper left corner of the dungeon. To get to the room you need to go through a wall that looks solid and then go down a staircase.

Level 10: Kenny will enter a contest and totally forget about it. He will come home one day and see a coffee maker on his stoop. He'll mention the name of the coffee maker brand in a tweet saying he's totally baffled why it showed up randomly. Two months later he still won't remember what contest he entered. He will write a disclosure post mentioning the coffee maker and he'll use the word 'stoop.' He'll think to himself that it's really an odd word.

Level 11: He'll send some random company an open letter asking for something free and actually get the product. Then he'll mention them again in a subsequent post. Probably put a banner on his right sde bar. Realize he needs to add one for Pentax. And he'll mention that company a few other times because those companies that send him stuff totally rock.

Level 12: Housewares and linens

Level 13: Kenny does some sponsored posts and mentions your product in said post. Here is one example. Said post will be awesome and he won't write some crap about a product he doesn't like. Also he will probably spend the money on posters even though he said he'd put it into the kid's college account... Actually it is going to the kid minus maybe one poster for the kid that maybe not everyone in the house will like... But he needs good art, right?

Level 14: This post is for an app. You know that, unless stated, any app review post means Kenny was compensated by receiving the device that the app runs on. If he already has said device he will sell it and give the money to a worthy cause... Perhaps the human fund.

Level 15: Kenny is a shill for some company and tweets, posts and otherwise mentions them as much as he can. He will never tell anyone of this relationship and he will make millions from it. Even though he's now a multi-millionaire he'll still live a humble life because he's just that awesome.

Level 16: Kenny receives special treatment from a company because of a relationship that involves him posting about the company. For example he will get to use html 6 while everyone else is on html 5. He will get free mango juice from a restaurant because he's awesome (or because his kid is so freaking cute and it's for the kid any way and the kid knows it so gets mad if he takes a sip... But he will take a sip.)

Swag
If Kenny is given swag at a blog related conference or event it would be miraculous as he doesn't attend any. However if he gets unlazy he's going to submit an idea for Blogher 12 and you should all say you want to attend. If he did speak he would probably get a swag bag. In that case he'd throw most of it away because it's usually crap. With what's left he'd give a majority away and only keep maybe some electronics and a good travel coffee mug. A good travel coffee mug is defined by one that is not plastic and can go in the dishwasher... What's the point of a coffee mug that can't go in the dishwasher?

Oh, yeah... He won't consider that swag to be compensation.

Twitter
Kenny is as or more popular than Kim Kardashian on the twitter. It looks like he has a ton fewer followers than her but it's because he has so many that the numbers have rolled over...

That being said you can assume that anything he says on twitter is sponsored and that he got a minimum of $60,000 for the mention... like this one. Seriously Jesse LeDoux pays me $100,000 a month to mention him a minimum of three times. He said his ROI is over 1000 percent.

Kenny also asks all new twitter followers to pay him $10 a year. Sadly it's hard to police and so far he's made nothing from this venture...

In Closing
Kenny is totally on the take...

The Very Busy Spider Web Across My Cell Phone Screen

2011-12-06T09:22:00.001-06:00

It was Sunday and I was wearing my Moosejaw Jose Yero hoody. I try to set a good example to MF on how to piss off his mother so I wasn't wearing a coat over said hoody even though it was quite cold... But we were only walking 75 feet to go indoors so why put the jacket on, right?

Here's a little mini review of said hoody. It's super soft inside... Fits really well... Has a big old moose on the back which MF loves. Basically I love the sweatshirt aside from it's one downfall...

The pockets do not keep cell phones inside of them... Or what I should say is if you put your cell phone in the pocket then run up the stairs there's a chance that the phone will fall out, fall perfectly... Amazingly flat on the ground screen side down and crack like some tasty peanut brittle... Although it's not tasty and it cost a lot more. Because of that I'd have to give it four stars... Had it not broken my phone I'd give it five. And yes I'm totally blaming a sweatshirt for the broken phone since I'm perfect.

pic is crappy because it was taken with my new/old phone

My phone was dead... Well really not dead... It worked perfectly but the screen was gone. Although I hate my phone I was bummed because they're not cheap. I called to see about what a screen would cost and got an estimate of $100... Which maybe isn't bad but my phone sucks and I don't want to put any more cash into it.

Then in trying to figure out what I should do I remembered a post that I read on the FearLess Revolution blog... It's about a guy who was happier once he ditched his phone. I read it right after wrote my luddite post and it got me thinking that maybe when I upgrade my phone next I'll actually downgrade a bit since with a kid I'm not ready to ditch the phone.

So I went to my drawer and pulled out my old LG Muziq flip phone... I had still kept it just in case.

This phone rocked in the day... It plays music and has a slot for a memory card (this was huge back then). It has one camera but kind of works like dual cameras because of dual screens. It gets craptastic email but it gets email... And if there is a gun to my head I can hop on the internet. And most importantly I can drop it and it doesn't break... Seriously this thing has been dropped a lot and it works perfectly with only a few scratches... How many phones are made like that now?

I activated the phone... And felt a bit lighter.

I no longer have a simple way to check email, twitter or such things at all times... I do have an iPod Touch but that's limited because of wifi.

I felt like I could simplify my life a bit... Be in the moment more... Not be the asshole with the phone out during dinner. Because while we all kind of hate that person I feel that many of us have become that.

And then I had withdrawal and freaked the hell out... I need all that stuff... I found my Palm Pre (which is a piece of shit) and activated that... Then I deactivated it when I remembered it only works on speaker. The way I felt about "needing" all those connectivity features beyond phone and text kind of freaked me out...

So I decided to stick with the muziq and see if I could last out my contract which ends in eight months.

When the first full day came, yesterday, I felt good about the choice to downgrade... I no longer feel like I'm captive to my phone... I no longer have to check email, check twitter, check to see if anyone commented on a post or check some stupid fact on the web (ok maybe I still need that).

Really the phone had become a parent or boss... Always needing to check in with it.

It's kind of awesome having the lack of technology a bit... And I'm hoping it will simplify my life a bit... I'm not ready to drop the phone altogether, it's really impractical with a kid, but now I can use it as it's intended... As a phone instead of an anchor.

All that said we'll see how long this lasts... It's kind of an experiment... On that a lot of folks would say is pretty easy... But if you have a phone that's rather smart you can probably understand how tough it is.

I hope to ride my contract out and then get a semi-basic phone but an android... I know I can cheaply buy out my contract but I think it will be nice not checking shit all the time.

Moral of the Story: If you didn't read that FearLess post I mentioned above read it now...

Stay the F to Sleep

2011-12-05T09:10:00.001-06:00

Stay the F to sleep should really be the sequel for the Go the Fuck to Sleep book.

Here's the deal... A friend of mine and his wife are having trouble with their kid sleeping. This problem is a two parter...

It all started when their kid, let's call him Em Eff was sick and they let him sleep in their bed at night... Partly because he's super cute, partly because he was having trouble sleeping and partly because it was just kind of nice.

Then said kid got better but would wake up in the middle of the night wanting to sleep in his parent's bed... A so we our friends let that little kid sleep with them because it was kind of cute and kind of nice and they got to sleep instead of hear crying.

I should mention that the part two of this is the kid wakes up every time the totally awesome dad goes up to sleep... One day he hacked into my twitter account and tweeted about it.

Obviously not me because there is a typo.

And so that night too the kid slept with our friends...

So then our friends tried cry it out again... The first time was when the kid was quite young and it worked. On a side note my friend read the comments of the linked post and it actually helps know the CIO is not horrible, but it was horrible for my friends last night.

Because once again when my friend walked up stairs Em Eff was up... And cried for an hour until my friend slept on his kid's floor. It wasn't necessarily good but it was better than the kid being in the parent's room. And the kid went right to sleep although kept checking to see if his dad was there (I'm told.)

I think an easy answer is the dad doesn't need to stay downstairs late but the TV in his bedroom will wake the kid, and he has a hard time sleeping early... Plus he's watching White Collar which actually has some nice characters in it.

So yeah... There you are... Another round of the kid not sleeping.

They're boot camping CIO tonight... And it will suck.

Anyone else have a similar situation?

If your method eventually pays off, you're sort of a genius!

2011-12-02T07:43:00.001-06:00

So yeah... I'm PR Unfriendly... I mean not totally... In reality I work with PR folk all the time in my real jobb. And I know that their jobs are tough. Still I can't help sending a snarky (and semi-serious) email every once in awhile to reply to their offers of free, super cheap, stuff in return for a free review.

I've shared these on twitter and folks there enjoyed them so I thought I'd share again.

Also while I know I'm being a bit of an ass in reality I don't think I am... I'm sure my emails have got passed around offices... People have laughed or called me a fool (or an ass) and laughed in a different way. So really I'm doing good and hope to be Knighted by the Queen for my efforts.

I was offered the chance to review a new burger at a fast food restaurant... They said they'd throw in a gift card... Not sure why I never got a reply as this was quite generous and reasonable.

Dear (omitted)

Sorry I didn't back to you earlier regarding your question of if I'm hungry. When I received your email I was in fact hungry. I was heading out to lunch at my one of my favorite Chinese restaurants. I kind of screwed up because I didn't order what I usually do and I while the food was good it didn't hit the spot...

So while I was full after the meal I was still hungry.

And while I realize you didn't ask I'm not hungry right now because we had a huge client lunch.

But really you want to know about the burger.

Here's the deal. While it seems awfully tempting I would have to augment the sandwich a bit and so I don't know if tasting it would really represent the burger you want to review.

I'd have to take the cheese off because of my well documented hatred of cheese.

I'd also have to opt-out of the actual meat situation as I haven't had meat since 1988. Since you are interested the last meat I had was General Tso's Chicken.

Also I'd opt to not have the tomato because I fucking hate raw tomatoes.

What's in the signature sauce? I'm guessing I wouldn't want that too because they are usually mayo based and who the F wants to eat mayo? Seriously... Once some Miracle Whip folks tried to serve me a mayo laced brownie sample. I spit it out and put it back on the tray. Not even kidding.

While I eat lettuce that stuff is usually nasty at fast food restaurants so I'd say no lettuce too.

But the idea of a nice bun with a pickle and sad little slice of onion sounds great.

So please send me a gift card... But can I ask for a gift card from a place other than (that fast food restaurant)? I'd be cool with a Caribou Coffee card or even Barnes & Noble... I drink lots of coffee and read books.

I'd also except cash too.

On that subject you owe me $10. If you took a moment to read my blog you'd know that I have a policy of charging a $10 fee to read unsolicited PR emails. I won't charge you for both that you sent because I never got back to you on the first one.

Click here to my pay the $10 fee.

thanks...

Kenny

A lot of people want me to review iPad apps... I have no iPad so I offered a reasonable solution...

(Person's Name)

Thank you for your email. I'd love to check out that app. My blog posts for December are getting a bit filled but I can squeeze you in.

How long do you think it will take for you to send me an iPad with the app loaded in it? If I have a choice I'd like a black iPad because I just think the white one looks cheap. I guess you can say that it's retro because the original iPods were white but really I'm not a fan. I'm ok with a 16GB but a larger one would be much appreciated...

Now that I think of it you might not need to load the app because it will have to be in my iTunes account. It will be a bit of a pain but I'll load it.

If you need the iPad back I will be able to return it to you within the usual time frame for my blog of one year. If you'd like me to send it back please let me know before sending. I'll also require a self addressed envelope and a check for $500 to cover shipping and whatnot.

Look forward to checking out the app.

thanks... Kenny

And then I tried again... After I sent this I had a little friendly back and forth with the PR person... He (I'm thinking he because the name although I knew one girl with the same name) said "Good luck with the free iPad :) If your method eventually pays off, you're sort of a genius!"

Well I am sort of a genius... But I'm still iPad-less.

I should say that in the original pitch email my luddite post was mentioned... Also I thought this reply was super nice and quite generous...

(Probably a dude's name)

I see that you scanned my enough to know that I don't let my kid have play with an iPad or iPhone. But in looking into your app it seems like it has some good stuff for people who do use them with kids.

You may have missed my PR policy which makes the cost of my reviews quite steep. Although I haven't yet added the cost of app reviews yet I have been asking for a device to review them on. For instance if you want me to review an iPad app send me an iPad with the app loaded.

Surprisingly no one has sent me one yet but in reality it's what my time is worth.

That being said I'll offer you this deal. Send me an iPad loaded with the app. I'll mention/review it on my blog. I'll also mention that I'm selling the iPad on ebay with the profits going to some charity, maybe toys for tots.

I'll sign said iPad which will probably add $3 to the value of the device.

It's win/win/win... You get a review. I hold true to my PR policy and some kids get toys.

be good... Kenny

For some reason I keep striking out... Still I get a lot of emails each day so I'm sure more posts like these will pop up... Unless you all hate them... But they will probably still pop up because they amuse me and hopefully will amuse MF years from now.

When My Toddler Son Became A Teenage Girl

2011-11-28T15:27:00.001-06:00

First of let's start by saying he never technically became a teenage girl. If that disappoints you I'm sorry. If he had become one overnight I probably would have been on the Today Show and would be writing a book about it because that's what you do.

Also I should mention that this is another in my VapoDad series. These posts are about taking care of someone when they're sick... And it's a two parter in one post. The first part being long and rambling and the second one being short.

Part one:

So waiting for MF to get sick didn't take long because he was sick about a two weeks ago. Just pink eye in both eyes, bronchitis (which I totally spelled correctly without spell check but you'll have to take my word on that) and a slight ear infection. This of course meant I was sick last week but only for a bit.

And you're asking how he became a teenage girl... Well I'll tell you and then you'll get pissed that I'm saying he was a teenage girl instead of teenage boy but you can slam me if you'd like. Also please do it on your blog and link to mine so I get some extra traffic... An early thank you.

With all the things wrong with him he was given Prednisone, I thought it was called Pregnisone for a long time... Anyway there is a family history with Prednisone. Fifty-percent of the pre-kid household had been on it before (not me) and when this person fully Prednisoned and was on the phone with her mom she may have been yelling. And then when called out on it she may have yelled "I am not yelling." Also I might need a couch to sleep on tomorrow.

What I'm saying is, hypothetically, it might make otherwise sane people go a little coo coo if that's how you spell it (doesn't look right).

And so there was little MF on steroids... Totally roiding out... And that's when the teenage girl attitude came out (really I mean that strong independent thing that I think teen girls do with a better air to it than teen boys do... seriously).

All of a sudden he was ordering us around... And at first we let him because he's sick... Then we realized he's a teenager.

We'd hold him and he'd say "go right there" and point to where he wanted to go... I guess this wouldn't be so odd but he never said it before. So it was "go right there." "Go right there." "Go right there."

And there really was no right there. Also he forgot words like kitchen, upstairs and bedroom. Everything was a vague "right there."

Also he learned the word because... And he used it with a teen girl attitude...

"Why are you on the table?"
"Because."

"Why are you spilling all the dog's water?"
"Because"

"Why are you screaming?"
In a totally calm voice: "because."

And then the pièce de résistance (spelling totally Googled) MF had pooed and so naturally I asked if he pooed and he said no. I asked again. He said no daddy. So I said "it smells like you pooed." to which he answered, while pointing, "go in kitchen now."

Seriously. He forgot the word to kitchen when I was his rickshaw but now when I'm being put in a time out in my own house he remembers?

Part two:

Well he became nice again after the roids wore off. And then is where the VapoDad was VapoKidded (hey Vapo folks please pay me for that VapoKid thing... Or hire my agency for the VapoKid work you're gonna want to do.)

On Thanksgiving I broke my toe. It was quite traumatic but what I remember was being at the park and seeing a bunch of wolves running towards some innocent children trying to attack them. I ran up to the alpha-wolf and kicked him in the jaw. The kick was so hard that I broke my toe and the wolf turned around whimpering.

I was cheered on for my heroic act then, because I'm a hero, I waited a day to go see the doctor for treatment.

Others may say that I was at the dog park and kicked a tennis ball but missed and hit a rock. They also may say that the toe isn't broken. Who are you going to believe?

So I was limping a bit and my toe was dark purple. MF kept asking what happend and of course I just replied that I had been a hero and hurt my toe.

Then when we headed to our Thanksgiving meal (the day after) I got off the elevator. MF asked what happened again so I told him the hero thing. Then I asked if he'd carry me.

And he held out his arms.

And Last:
Remember that Vaporub has this Facebook deally called Feel Better Friend where you can send virtual care packages to friends. You all may know that I'm not really a Facebook fan and I don't dig many apps, but I can honestly say, and I'm not just saying this because they are sponsoring this post, that it's kinda cool how they search your friend's statuses to see who may be sick.

Also two of my friends are sick right now. Also I'm not really friends with either.

Music For The Kid

2011-11-28T08:46:00.001-06:00

On both of my computers I have a playlist called "Music for the kid" both are unfinished.

When I'm hanging with MF I usually have the radio on and ask if he wants to listen to Rock and Roll or Classical... Three of four times he says Rock and Roll which is awesome to hear a kid say (and that statement is weird for me to be making because I think back at two years ago when people woud say "doesn't he/she say that so cute?" and I'd be thinking "No."

Since he's a fan of the Rock and/or Roll I'm trying to make a good playlist of music that I can listen to and that is good for MF to jam to.

I have a few rules:

It can't be music for kids – I recently bought a Lisa Loeb kid's cd . I rather like it (Staci doesn't – but it's been confirmed that I'm right) but that stuff and things like it won't make the list.
It has to be something I can listen to on heavy rotation because I know how kids are with music.
And it can't have a lot of swearing. I'd say no swearing but I broke that with the first song so... Whatever.
A majority of the stuff should be dancy... Kids like to dance... People like to watch them dance. Again I broke that rule in the first song.
Can't be stuff that's always on the radion... And hopefully stuff that is never on Radio Disney

That all being said I figure if I could come up with at least 10-15 songs that would fit on a cd then I accomplished something... And that's what we have here... But I'd love other suggestion. One more rule – no Dave Matthews.

By no means is this finished, perfect or anything else... but here's what I got so far. This will be revisited.

Nashville Tennessee by Frank Turner Just because I love this song

My Flying Saucer by Billy Bragg & Wilco It's about a flying saucer and it's fun

Click, Click, Click, Click by Bishop Allen Because it's awesome and so something I would have/actually have done. I hope MF causes mischief like this too.

Heart Made Of Sound by Softlightes Just fun good stuff... Sweet video too

Nothing by Mason Jennings Loved this song when he was a pre-kid

What Would Bob Do? by Colin Hay Fun and you need some Colin Hay in your life

Bowling Green by Neko Case & Her Boyfriends Fun and you need some twangy Neko Case in your life

The Cure by Tegan and Sara First song he danced to

Smell Of Petroleum by The Pogues You can't forget about the awesomeness of The Pogues

Gardening At Night by R.E.M No longer a band but this is mumbling greatness

Punk Rock Girl by The Dead Milkmen Should be in every playlist really

Here And Now by Letters To Cleo Because no one has any idea of what they are saying in the chorus and a kid would love that

Another Postcard by Barenaked Ladies The dude is getting postcards with chimpanzees sent to him. This is a must for any kid playlist. I also wonder if he's still getting the postcards.
Beach Girl by Beatnik Termites one of my favorite Cleveland bands. Power pop/surf rock greatness. And kid friendly