• Funny food tshirts

Despite the fact that I’m a Candy Addict at heart, my move to the west coast and (albeit reluctant) transition into adulthood have succeeded in transforming me into somewhat of a health nut in recent years. I do yoga. I avoid partially hydrogenated oils. I am pretty damn close to vegan when I’m not indulging a lethal cookie craving. And I snack constantly. (Really, constantly.) As such, I’ve become well acquainted with the myriad ways to dress-up a carrot stick, and have befriended many a bowl of high-fiber cereal. But as I also maintain an active lifestyle, I’ve found that these go-to snacks aren’t necessarily ideal for on-the-go, and am on a seemingly endless search for the perfect portable treat. Until now, that is. Because that treat has just recently somersaulted into my life, compliments of the Somersault Snack Co., utterly winning over my crunchy nugget-craving, gymnastic-loving heart.

Per the company’s product info, Somersaults come in three flavors: S.S. Sea Salt, Salty Pepper, and Chez Cocoa, and are “A crunchy bundle of goodness baked with toasted grains, sunflower and sesame seeds. They are the perfect blend of protein, fiber and nutrition!” That all sounded very pleasing indeed, though it left me rather unclear as to what Somersaults actually WERE. What might they taste like? I wondered. What might they be comparable to?

Nothing I’ve ever seen or eaten, it turns out. These were an entirely new snacking concept for me. Somersaults in general are somewhere between the size of a nickel and a quarter, but thicker, with a rough, bumpy, pretzel-nugget-like surface spotted with sunflower seed pieces. They are, admittedly, not the most beautiful bite to behold, but do have that great hearty, earthy look that I’ve come to appreciate. What’s most remarkable about this line of snacks however – what’s truly mind-boggling – is that even though they are made from essentially the same handful of ingredients, the three varieties are surprisingly different.

S.S. Sea Salt

The S.S. Sea Salt Somersaults smelled vaguely salty and nutty and were the thickest nuggets of the three. They boasted the texture and flavor of a whole grain pretzel that eventually gave way to a smattering of sunflower seeds, whose flavor was very pronounced at the end. The salt was present but muted. I really liked these; they would make an excellent pretzel substitute, being more filling and actually offering some nutritional benefits to boot.

Salty Pepper

The Salty Pepper variety of Somersaults were slightly smaller than the S.S. Sea Salts and adorned with black pepper flecks. Now, I’m not a pepper fan, per se, but the seasoning here was very mild and, coupled with some garlic and onion, gave the nuggets a very appealing flavor depth. Also, the sunflower seeds weren’t quite as potent. I actually liked these even better than the originals, but what really struck me was that while the S.S. Sea Salt Somersaults reminded me of pretzels, I thought the Salty Peppers had more of a cracker-like quality. Interesting.

Chez Cocoa

The chocoholic in me was most looking forward to the Chez Cocoa Somersaults, but after having sampled the previous two I didn’t quite know what to expect, as these seemed so well-suited to the salty snack category. Opening the package, they smelled distinctly like Play-Doh, and I noted that the cocoa was baked into the nuggets, not merely dusting them. These were harder, crunchier, than their salty brethren, and tasted like a little chocolate cookie bespeckled with sunflower seeds. The Somersaults take on an entirely different snack personality in this form – one that, if pressed, I would have to single out as my favorite of the bunch.

Okay, so with a pretzel, a cracker, and a cookie-like option (not to mention seeds, and protein, and fiber!), there’s a Somersaults for every breed of snacker. These come with my highest recommendation and I really think you’ll – wait for it – flip for them. (Sorry.) But just in case I haven’t been convincing enough, you can click on over to their website and request a sample of your own. Happy snacking!

• Somersault Snack Co. Website

I was a tough customer for these. First of all, I bake from scratch. Second of all, I live in a big city with access to plenty of bakeries, and don’t really need to order cake in the mail.

Third of all: They make a big selling point of the fact that these are the same desserts that you get in restaurants, and now you can get them at home! Note that what this means is that they are the desserts you get in restaurants that don’t make their own desserts, but instead buy them frozen. Since I am highly suspicious of any restaurant that doesn’t make its desserts in-house, I am extremely unimpressed with this selling point.

I’m just putting my cards on the table here, so you know where I’m coming from, to be fair to these products. But I figured, hey, maybe I have been going to the wrong chain restaurants. And I never met a baked good that I wouldn’t try at least once, so I wasn’t going to turn my nose up at these when they arrived at my door.

I got two kinds to sample, Toffee Crunch Blondie, and the Summerberry Stack. My assistant at the Snackerrific Silver Spring outpost, who is not that big a fan of dessert, insisted on defrosting and trying the blondies immediately, they looked so good to him. They definitely looked pretty. Remember, these are made for the restaurant trade, so the way they look on the dessert tray or in the glossy color pictures in the dessert menu is critical. If the goal of these products was to have us look at them and think OOO, WANT NOW, it worked.

But how did the taste live up to the appearance? The dark chocolate chunks are good, the toffee chunks are very nice and buttery and not too sticky-in-the-teeth. So the first impressions were good. But as we continued to eat, my assistant said, ‘There’s something wrong. They’re… bland?”

What I realized he was talking about was that they didn’t taste buttery. So I got up to retrieve the box and read the ingredients. The text on the box talks about the history of the blondie as going back to the middle ages before chocolate existed, only eggs, honey, flour, BUTTER, and nuts. It also describes the product as a ‘chewy butterscotch cake.’

Now, I have actually done some  baking from original medieval recipes and I am pretty sure they didn’t have anything that we would recognize as a butterscotch brownie. But that’s beside the point. More important: is what is inside the box a butterscotch brownie? Not if you think such a thing needs to have butter in it. A close look at the fine print reveals that the ingredient used is margarine.

It’s only fair to say that this might not matter to a lot of readers. Your standard for a dessert may be exactly what you get in the restaurants that this company supplies. It’s also possible that you had a mom who used margarine when she baked, and these will taste homemade to you. But if you’re looking for the taste of real butter in your butterscotch brownie, skip it.

One final point I will make is that if you’re impatient, I enjoyed a thin slice of these right out of the freezer much more than I liked them defrosted, maybe because I don’t expect a butter flavor in frozen desserts. I have a feeling that these are going to gradually disappear one thin frozen slice at a time.

The Summerberry Stack is a much more elaborate confection. A bottom layer of graham cracker-y tasting crust, and layers of yellow cake, cheesecake, and key lime pie filling, studded with two kinds of berries, and topped with white stuff. It might be white chocolate cheesecake. Seriously, I lost track. It’s a bit overkilly for me, who likes simple things best, but it was enjoyable as a fruity creamy dessert. The berries taste good, like frozen berries often do - better than the sad fresh ones you mostly get. The key lime pie flavor is nice and vivid. And I’m a sucker for anything like a graham cracker crust even if a cake doesn’t really also need a pie crust.

There’s so much going on in this one that, unlike the blondie, you’re not likely to stop and think that there’s a flavor missing. The taste is mostly of key lime and berry - the graham cracker crust adds to the key lime pie effect - but with other creamy cakey stuff going on, so it’s not as in-your-face limey as a key lime pie. And of course it’s also pretty - nicer than you’d expect for something that got shipped in a cardboard box.

I didn’t test whether you can eat this one frozen too, but it was better cold than when it got up to room temperature. It’s so rich that when it warmed up it was almost greasy. It might be best to both defrost it in the fridge as instructed and also eat it right out of the fridge. And their other suggestion of cutting the pieces in half is a good one, especially if you make the mistake of reading the calorie count. Ouch. You don’t want to know.

The other “Ouch” that needs to be addressed is the price. I was fortunate to get these for free, and you wouldn’t. The Summerberry Stack costs $49 including 2-day shipping (overnight is $15 more). To me, it is definitely not worth the price. But if, unlike me, you lived far from a nice bakery, I can see that the Summerberry Stack might make a good dessert for a fancy party. Even I would not make a dessert that involves all the different components of the Summerberry Stack, and if you only have access to a supermarket bakery, this is probably beyond them too, so if it sounds like your dream cake for a nice occasion, go for it.

But if what you want is a butterscotch brownie, get a copy of the old version of the Joy of Cooking, and there’s a recipe that is the ridiculously easiest thing you will ever bake from scratch. Trust me, you can do it, and you can even use margarine in it, if that’s what you want.

• Sweet Street Desserts Website

Today we bring you some snack game fun: Klondike Bar’s Adventures of Khaki Pants Pete. In this retro-style game, you play as Pete, a hapless khaki-wearing dude just trying to get through the day. It’s a pretty silly game with no skill involved, but it’s fun to watch the 8-bit graphics and reminisce about the good old days (which really weren’t all that good, but they sure seemed so at the time). More chapters will be available as the summer progresses.

While we’re at it, six of Klondike’s stickless bars are getting a new thicker chocolate shell. And hey, more chocolate is never a bad thing, right?

• Klondike’s Adventures of Khaki Pants Pete

Some words just naturally seem to fit with “jerky.” You know, like “beef.” Or perhaps “turkey.” Heck, even “soy” doesn’t seem too far-fetched. Even vegetarians get cravings for salty bits of high-protein chewing gum now and again.

On the other hand, there are some things most sane people never want to hear directly before “jerky.” “Sofa,” for instance… and I can’t imagine many people would be too anxious to try Cigar Jerky. Then again, most people wouldn’t touch a product called “Cheese Jerky” with a ten-foot pole, either. After all, cheese is basically rotten milk. How would someone go about drying that out and turning it into jerky?

I was disturbingly curious. When Snack Patrol offered to send out samples of their unique and cheesy treat, I simply had to volunteer for the review. After being assured of my heroic bravery by our dear editor, I was even more psyched to try the cheesy treat. Even if I was only able to handle a bit, I’d have bragging rights!

A week after my fate was sealed, a silvery package from Wisconsin arrived at my door. “Open and refrigerate immediately!” warned the package. “That’s strange,” I thought. “Why should jerky need to be refrigerated?”

As it turns out, because cheese jerky is a vastly different product than I would have imagined. I suppose that’s a good thing. However, it’s a bit of a stretch to brag about stomaching beef-infused string cheese.

That’s right! “Cheese jerky” is not jerky at all, but 1.5-ounce strips of Wisconsin mozzarella string cheese dotted here and there with bits of beef jerky. After my initial letdown at not having a genuine “Bizarre Foods” moment, relief set in. So did hunger. I hadn’t yet eaten, and the little dairy delights had arrived at precisely the right time. Needless to say, I was anxious to fulfill my journalistic duty to snackers everywhere and taste.

The “jerky” comes in two flavors, Original and Peppered, both of which I received. Being quite fond of spicy things, I decided to save the “Peppered” sort for last, and eagerly ripped open a stick of “Original.”

I tried to tear a strip from the side of my cheese in typical string cheese fashion, but found the task difficult. I made a second attempt, and a third, but each time a bit of beef jerky would get in the way. At last, I settled for a half-strand.

My first impression was of extremely fresh, mildly salty >mozzarella. Well-done string cheese, but nothing extraordinary. Then, the jerky flavor kicked in. Only… the beefy bits interspersed throughout the cheese were so tiny they were less like jerky than salami. I liked the flavor; it reminded me of something you might find in a holiday gift set from Hickory Farms. What can I say? This hit the spot, and if I were to see it in a local store, I’d buy it in a heartbeat.

Next came the “Peppered” version. Despite my usual love of all things spicy (such as the ground black peppercorns featured here), I was underwhelmed by this variety. Maybe it’s because the peppery taste is fairly mild, or maybe it’s due to the fact that the pepper eclipses the wonderful salami taste of the original kind. Either way, I’d rank the second version of cheese jerky just below the ordinary sort of unadorned string cheese you might find at the corner 7-11. Of course, other snackers’ opinions may differ!

In sampling this product, I’ve learned an important snacking lesson: Not only should one never judge a snack by its packaging; one should never judge a snack by its moniker! “Cheese Jerky,” which sounds an awful lot like something growing on an unwashed caveman, actually turned out to be very tasty.

• Snack Patrol Website

I consider myself a connoisseur of all things protein, whether they are shakes, bars, or supplements. For the last five years, I personally blended my own protein shakes using a variety of proteins (whey, casein, soy) and liquids (milk, almond milk, water).

Through trial and error, I like to think I know how a good protein shake should taste and what should (or should not) be in it. So when I was offered a chance to review Special K’s latest line of protein shakes, I thought my background as a proteinoholic would serve me well.

Though there are a few flavors on the market, I was sent their milk chocolate flavor. Glancing over the nutritional breakdown on the back, I first noticed this thing wasn’t for me. 190 calories for 10 grams of protein? To put that into perspective, a gram of protein is 4 calories, so that means this thing has 40 calories derived from protein, or almost only 20 percent. Is that bad? Well, that depends.

You see, the average body consumes roughly 50 grams of protein a day, which means this shake provides 20 percent of the daily allotment, which works well with the caloric ratio since a person should consume 2,000 calories and therefore this is less than 10 percent of the daily caloric intake, but twice that amount for protein.

The thing is, those numbers are based on males who weigh 150 pound without any serious physical activity. And well… that’s not the majority of us. I weigh 185 pounds and work out eight hours a day, thus consuming 5,000 calories and between 100 and 200 grams of protein a day. So yeah, I’m not exactly the target for this shake.

Some other things to note about the nutritional label are that there is a large amount of sugar in here… 18 grams worth. How much is that? About half the amount of a soda. It’s not an egregious amount, but bear in mind carbohydrates operate at four calories apiece too, so I’m not sure why a protein shake has roughly twice as many calories derived from sugar than protein.

Also, there’s a lot of junk in this. The ingredient list is ridiculous, but to be fair, a large part of that is just scientific names for the fortifications in this shake; however, this does not excuse the use of corn syrup or artificial sweeteners.

On some positive notes, this shake does provide you with five grams of fiber (one-sixth of your daily intake) and is pretty well fortified without having to cause any serious overdosing of any vitamin or mineral that might occur from consuming any other fortified product.

As for the taste, my first response was that it tastes “chocolaty.” The is the equivalent to the mockolate form of liquids. This doesn’t surprise me since the only thing chocolate-related in the ingredients list is cocoa.

The texture of this drink didn’t sit well with me. It was kind gritty, with a froth at the start of every sip. Despite it being incredibly runny (I like my shakes viscous), it leaves a thick taste and residue on the palate. This reminded me of drinking a Slim-Fast, a product I know many people adore, but simply tastes bad in my book.

The premise of these, like most Special K products, is to promote healthy weight loss. Well, for all you Special K dieters out there… I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing special about this diet.

A pound is constructed of 3,500 calories, meaning, if you burn 3,500 calories, you lose a pound. When Special K asks you to replace a meal with a bowl of cereal or a protein shake, you’re not losing weight because you’re eating a Special K product, but because this shake at 190 calories has fewer calories than that 800 calories meal you were going to eat. By consuming fewer calories, you lose weight.

For the same amount of calories, you’d get more out of an egg-white omelet loaded with fresh vegetables, fruit on the side, and all the unsweetened homebrewed iced-tea you want, but you’ll be consuming more protein, fiber, and healthier carbs. But not all of us have the time for meals like this, and shakes are handy for the go. I think you can find better ones out there on the market, but these are definitely better for you than that soda.

Editor’s Note: I actually really liked this. I thought the chocolate flavor was pretty good - like chocolate milk you might make yourself, but even more chocolate-flavored. Since I’m not particularly concerned with its nutritional makeup, if I saw this at the store and wanted something that tasted good but wasn’t terrible for me, I’d definitely go for it. In fact, I’d love to try their other flavors. It tastes a hell of a lot better than something like a Yoo-Hoo!

• Kellogg’s Special K Protein Shake Website

Buy Special K Products Online:

• at Amazon.com

I imagined it old school style.

Richard Dawson kissin’ up on the ladies, the giant Family Feud board behind him as he repeats the question: “Name something special you might eat for breakfast.” He winks at the Milwaukee housewife as she bites her lip, concentrating as if her life depended on uttering the most popular response to this inane survey question. She’s really kickin’ those wheels into high gear up there. At last she blurts out: “MUFFINS!”

She’s bouncing and vibrating all over. She’s either ready to burst or smother Dawson in her ample midwestern bosom. Suffice to say, she’s excited. Dawson gives her a wink and a pat on the hand, wiggling his pinky ring with a flourish.

“Show me MUUUFFFINNNNS!”

BING! Yes! #1 ANSWER! They win and the crowd goes crazy. Dawson dabs his brow with his scarlet handkerchief and saunters downstage to gab with the audience. Success.

Yes, that’s how I felt when the box of Little Debbie Muffins showed up at the office. Just another day in the life of a professional snacker. Hooooweee.

The buildup was intense, but on the whole I wasn’t thrilled with the product at the end of the day.

In typical Little Debbie style, the muffins are smaller than your average muffin, and they’re individually wrapped, six per box. They’ve only been on the market less than a year.

Here are the flavors I sampled: lemon, orange cranberry, blueberry, chocolate chip, double chocolate.

Lemon — Moist, as were all muffins, but I detected a noticeable artificial aftertaste. Annoying indeed, even ten minutes after consumption was complete.

Double Chocolate — Hands down, the worst. The flavor began as fudge brownie, then quickly turned into licorice, and then at the finish, pipe tobacco. Too bitter for my taste, and the very distinct licorice flavor was disturbing. It was such an unpleasant experience that I didn’t even notice the milk chocolate chips.

Chocolate Chip — Eh. Nothing special. I enjoy Entenmann’s Little Bites much more, which are smaller, but you get individual bags with four tiny muffins.

Blueberry — Tasty, with real blueberries. The second best of the bunch.

Orange Cranberry — Definitely the tops in the Little Debbie muffin line. Very moist with just the right hint of the featured fruit.

I’m still a Little Debbie fan, but these muffins fell short of the Debster’s high standards.

• Little Debbie Website

Buy Little Debbie Muffins Online:

• at Amazon.com

As a total geek, I naturally play World of Warcraft. After all, it’s the best way to find a boyfriend and eventually get married, right?

…

What, no? Damn.

Well, anyway, Mountain Dew has come out with World of Warcraft-inspired Game Fuel for those late night raiding sessions. And better yet, no matter which faction you’re aligned with, you can get some tasty liquid fuel to keep you going - Alliance Blue (Mountain Dew® with a punch of wild fruit flavor) or Horde Red (Mountain Dew® with a blast of citrus cherry flavor). And even better? You can get cool gear at the same time. Awesome!

Stock up now, these are limited-time-only flavors. And don’t forget to check back here for reviews and maybe even a giveaway!

• Mountain Dew Game Fuel Website

I love popcorn for breakfast. Every morning, I always take those 100 calorie bags of kettle popcorn with me to work, because they are low in calories and they take a while to eat. However, for the past few weeks I took Frito-Lay Smartfood popcorn clusters with me to work and not only were they tasty, they seemed to satisfy my hunger every morning.

These delicious clusters contain something different in each flavor. Each flavor was coated in caramel, but not so much that it stuck to your teeth. The popcorn had a fresh crisp texture to it and I had to stop myself from pouring the whole bag down my mouth. There were three flavors that I tried: Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan, Honey Multigrain and Cranberry Almond.

I first tried the Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan Popcorn Clusters. Naturally, I tore into this bag because it contained chocolate but was surprised to find that the chocolate wasn’t that prominent in the mix. However, I must have really liked it, because before I knew it I had polished off about three of those little bags in less than ten minutes.

I thought the Honey Multigrain Popcorn Clusters were too sweet. They were still good, with a light and crunchy taste, but much sweeter than the other two flavors. I normally don’t complain about something being too sweet, but this didn’t mix well with me.

Out of all three flavors, the Cranberry Almond was my favorite. This concoction totally tasted like Captain Crunch Berry cereal, which is an old favorite of mine. There were dried cranberries mixed with nuts in this popcorn and the result was a perfect breakfast taste for me.

Have you tried any of these flavors? What did you think of them and which one is your favorite?

• Smartfood Popcorn Clusters Website

Deep River chips and snacks have been the “Snack of the Day” on the Rachael Ray Show, and magicianPenn Gillette called them a “damn good chip,” ranking their Rosemary and Olive Oil Chip third on his list of Top 10 Best Potato Chips.

With such endorsements, I thought I’d give Deep River a try. Besides, I’m a fool for quality kettle chips; I just can’t get enough. When I dug into the bag of their Asian Sweet & Spicy chips, I admit I was skeptical. Would these chips taste like cheap and greasy Chinese takeout? What do Rachel Ray and Penn Gillette know anyway? Apparently, they know a lot.

Oh Grasshopper. These were fresh and delicious.

The dominant flavor was ginger, underscored with garlic and the sweet tang of onion and honey. Checking the package I found - NO GINGER! Again I dove into the bag - yup, a distinct ginger flavor with every chip. How do they do it? Could it be the combination of honey, garlic, onion, sugar, soybean oil, parsley and vinegar that simulates ginger? Or perhaps the “natural flavoring.”

I finished the bag while pondering the mysterious ginger question, akin to a Zen Buddhist koan: if you taste ginger and there is no ginger, are you tasting ginger? (Feel free to insert you own Gilligan’s Island joke here.)

They were a tad sweet for my taste, but the spice level was perfect. A very enjoyable kettle chip experience.

Deep River Snacks is a family business that focuses on all-natural chips in a variety of tasty flavors. Grab a bag before they disappear! (Lame magician pun goes out to Penn.)

• Deep River Snacks Website

Buy Deep River Snacks Online:

• at SnackAisle.com