Some words just naturally seem to fit with “jerky.” You know, like “beef.” Or perhaps “turkey.” Heck, even “soy” doesn’t seem too far-fetched. Even vegetarians get cravings for salty bits of high-protein chewing gum now and again.

On the other hand, there are some things most sane people never want to hear directly before “jerky.” “Sofa,” for instance… and I can’t imagine many people would be too anxious to try Cigar Jerky. Then again, most people wouldn’t touch a product called “Cheese Jerky” with a ten-foot pole, either. After all, cheese is basically rotten milk. How would someone go about drying that out and turning it into jerky?

I was disturbingly curious. When Snack Patrol offered to send out samples of their unique and cheesy treat, I simply had to volunteer for the review. After being assured of my heroic bravery by our dear editor, I was even more psyched to try the cheesy treat. Even if I was only able to handle a bit, I’d have bragging rights!

A week after my fate was sealed, a silvery package from Wisconsin arrived at my door. “Open and refrigerate immediately!” warned the package. “That’s strange,” I thought. “Why should jerky need to be refrigerated?”

As it turns out, because cheese jerky is a vastly different product than I would have imagined. I suppose that’s a good thing. However, it’s a bit of a stretch to brag about stomaching beef-infused string cheese.

That’s right! “Cheese jerky” is not jerky at all, but 1.5-ounce strips of Wisconsin mozzarella string cheese dotted here and there with bits of beef jerky. After my initial letdown at not having a genuine “Bizarre Foods” moment, relief set in. So did hunger. I hadn’t yet eaten, and the little dairy delights had arrived at precisely the right time. Needless to say, I was anxious to fulfill my journalistic duty to snackers everywhere and taste.

The “jerky” comes in two flavors, Original and Peppered, both of which I received. Being quite fond of spicy things, I decided to save the “Peppered” sort for last, and eagerly ripped open a stick of “Original.”

I tried to tear a strip from the side of my cheese in typical string cheese fashion, but found the task difficult. I made a second attempt, and a third, but each time a bit of beef jerky would get in the way. At last, I settled for a half-strand.

My first impression was of extremely fresh, mildly salty >mozzarella. Well-done string cheese, but nothing extraordinary. Then, the jerky flavor kicked in. Only… the beefy bits interspersed throughout the cheese were so tiny they were less like jerky than salami. I liked the flavor; it reminded me of something you might find in a holiday gift set from Hickory Farms. What can I say? This hit the spot, and if I were to see it in a local store, I’d buy it in a heartbeat.

Next came the “Peppered” version. Despite my usual love of all things spicy (such as the ground black peppercorns featured here), I was underwhelmed by this variety. Maybe it’s because the peppery taste is fairly mild, or maybe it’s due to the fact that the pepper eclipses the wonderful salami taste of the original kind. Either way, I’d rank the second version of cheese jerky just below the ordinary sort of unadorned string cheese you might find at the corner 7-11. Of course, other snackers’ opinions may differ!

In sampling this product, I’ve learned an important snacking lesson: Not only should one never judge a snack by its packaging; one should never judge a snack by its moniker! “Cheese Jerky,” which sounds an awful lot like something growing on an unwashed caveman, actually turned out to be very tasty.

• Snack Patrol Website

I consider myself a connoisseur of all things protein, whether they are shakes, bars, or supplements. For the last five years, I personally blended my own protein shakes using a variety of proteins (whey, casein, soy) and liquids (milk, almond milk, water).

Through trial and error, I like to think I know how a good protein shake should taste and what should (or should not) be in it. So when I was offered a chance to review Special K’s latest line of protein shakes, I thought my background as a proteinoholic would serve me well.

Though there are a few flavors on the market, I was sent their milk chocolate flavor. Glancing over the nutritional breakdown on the back, I first noticed this thing wasn’t for me. 190 calories for 10 grams of protein? To put that into perspective, a gram of protein is 4 calories, so that means this thing has 40 calories derived from protein, or almost only 20 percent. Is that bad? Well, that depends.

You see, the average body consumes roughly 50 grams of protein a day, which means this shake provides 20 percent of the daily allotment, which works well with the caloric ratio since a person should consume 2,000 calories and therefore this is less than 10 percent of the daily caloric intake, but twice that amount for protein.

The thing is, those numbers are based on males who weigh 150 pound without any serious physical activity. And well… that’s not the majority of us. I weigh 185 pounds and work out eight hours a day, thus consuming 5,000 calories and between 100 and 200 grams of protein a day. So yeah, I’m not exactly the target for this shake.

Some other things to note about the nutritional label are that there is a large amount of sugar in here… 18 grams worth. How much is that? About half the amount of a soda. It’s not an egregious amount, but bear in mind carbohydrates operate at four calories apiece too, so I’m not sure why a protein shake has roughly twice as many calories derived from sugar than protein.

Also, there’s a lot of junk in this. The ingredient list is ridiculous, but to be fair, a large part of that is just scientific names for the fortifications in this shake; however, this does not excuse the use of corn syrup or artificial sweeteners.

On some positive notes, this shake does provide you with five grams of fiber (one-sixth of your daily intake) and is pretty well fortified without having to cause any serious overdosing of any vitamin or mineral that might occur from consuming any other fortified product.

As for the taste, my first response was that it tastes “chocolaty.” The is the equivalent to the mockolate form of liquids. This doesn’t surprise me since the only thing chocolate-related in the ingredients list is cocoa.

The texture of this drink didn’t sit well with me. It was kind gritty, with a froth at the start of every sip. Despite it being incredibly runny (I like my shakes viscous), it leaves a thick taste and residue on the palate. This reminded me of drinking a Slim-Fast, a product I know many people adore, but simply tastes bad in my book.

The premise of these, like most Special K products, is to promote healthy weight loss. Well, for all you Special K dieters out there… I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing special about this diet.

A pound is constructed of 3,500 calories, meaning, if you burn 3,500 calories, you lose a pound. When Special K asks you to replace a meal with a bowl of cereal or a protein shake, you’re not losing weight because you’re eating a Special K product, but because this shake at 190 calories has fewer calories than that 800 calories meal you were going to eat. By consuming fewer calories, you lose weight.

For the same amount of calories, you’d get more out of an egg-white omelet loaded with fresh vegetables, fruit on the side, and all the unsweetened homebrewed iced-tea you want, but you’ll be consuming more protein, fiber, and healthier carbs. But not all of us have the time for meals like this, and shakes are handy for the go. I think you can find better ones out there on the market, but these are definitely better for you than that soda.

Editor’s Note: I actually really liked this. I thought the chocolate flavor was pretty good - like chocolate milk you might make yourself, but even more chocolate-flavored. Since I’m not particularly concerned with its nutritional makeup, if I saw this at the store and wanted something that tasted good but wasn’t terrible for me, I’d definitely go for it. In fact, I’d love to try their other flavors. It tastes a hell of a lot better than something like a Yoo-Hoo!

• Kellogg’s Special K Protein Shake Website

Buy Special K Products Online:

• at Amazon.com

I imagined it old school style.

Richard Dawson kissin’ up on the ladies, the giant Family Feud board behind him as he repeats the question: “Name something special you might eat for breakfast.” He winks at the Milwaukee housewife as she bites her lip, concentrating as if her life depended on uttering the most popular response to this inane survey question. She’s really kickin’ those wheels into high gear up there. At last she blurts out: “MUFFINS!”

She’s bouncing and vibrating all over. She’s either ready to burst or smother Dawson in her ample midwestern bosom. Suffice to say, she’s excited. Dawson gives her a wink and a pat on the hand, wiggling his pinky ring with a flourish.

“Show me MUUUFFFINNNNS!”

BING! Yes! #1 ANSWER! They win and the crowd goes crazy. Dawson dabs his brow with his scarlet handkerchief and saunters downstage to gab with the audience. Success.

Yes, that’s how I felt when the box of Little Debbie Muffins showed up at the office. Just another day in the life of a professional snacker. Hooooweee.

The buildup was intense, but on the whole I wasn’t thrilled with the product at the end of the day.

In typical Little Debbie style, the muffins are smaller than your average muffin, and they’re individually wrapped, six per box. They’ve only been on the market less than a year.

Here are the flavors I sampled: lemon, orange cranberry, blueberry, chocolate chip, double chocolate.

Lemon — Moist, as were all muffins, but I detected a noticeable artificial aftertaste. Annoying indeed, even ten minutes after consumption was complete.

Double Chocolate — Hands down, the worst. The flavor began as fudge brownie, then quickly turned into licorice, and then at the finish, pipe tobacco. Too bitter for my taste, and the very distinct licorice flavor was disturbing. It was such an unpleasant experience that I didn’t even notice the milk chocolate chips.

Chocolate Chip — Eh. Nothing special. I enjoy Entenmann’s Little Bites much more, which are smaller, but you get individual bags with four tiny muffins.

Blueberry — Tasty, with real blueberries. The second best of the bunch.

Orange Cranberry — Definitely the tops in the Little Debbie muffin line. Very moist with just the right hint of the featured fruit.

I’m still a Little Debbie fan, but these muffins fell short of the Debster’s high standards.

• Little Debbie Website

Buy Little Debbie Muffins Online:

• at Amazon.com

As a total geek, I naturally play World of Warcraft. After all, it’s the best way to find a boyfriend and eventually get married, right?

…

What, no? Damn.

Well, anyway, Mountain Dew has come out with World of Warcraft-inspired Game Fuel for those late night raiding sessions. And better yet, no matter which faction you’re aligned with, you can get some tasty liquid fuel to keep you going - Alliance Blue (Mountain Dew® with a punch of wild fruit flavor) or Horde Red (Mountain Dew® with a blast of citrus cherry flavor). And even better? You can get cool gear at the same time. Awesome!

Stock up now, these are limited-time-only flavors. And don’t forget to check back here for reviews and maybe even a giveaway!

• Mountain Dew Game Fuel Website

I love popcorn for breakfast. Every morning, I always take those 100 calorie bags of kettle popcorn with me to work, because they are low in calories and they take a while to eat. However, for the past few weeks I took Frito-Lay Smartfood popcorn clusters with me to work and not only were they tasty, they seemed to satisfy my hunger every morning.

These delicious clusters contain something different in each flavor. Each flavor was coated in caramel, but not so much that it stuck to your teeth. The popcorn had a fresh crisp texture to it and I had to stop myself from pouring the whole bag down my mouth. There were three flavors that I tried: Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan, Honey Multigrain and Cranberry Almond.

I first tried the Chocolate Cookie Caramel Pecan Popcorn Clusters. Naturally, I tore into this bag because it contained chocolate but was surprised to find that the chocolate wasn’t that prominent in the mix. However, I must have really liked it, because before I knew it I had polished off about three of those little bags in less than ten minutes.

I thought the Honey Multigrain Popcorn Clusters were too sweet. They were still good, with a light and crunchy taste, but much sweeter than the other two flavors. I normally don’t complain about something being too sweet, but this didn’t mix well with me.

Out of all three flavors, the Cranberry Almond was my favorite. This concoction totally tasted like Captain Crunch Berry cereal, which is an old favorite of mine. There were dried cranberries mixed with nuts in this popcorn and the result was a perfect breakfast taste for me.

Have you tried any of these flavors? What did you think of them and which one is your favorite?

• Smartfood Popcorn Clusters Website

Deep River chips and snacks have been the “Snack of the Day” on the Rachael Ray Show, and magicianPenn Gillette called them a “damn good chip,” ranking their Rosemary and Olive Oil Chip third on his list of Top 10 Best Potato Chips.

With such endorsements, I thought I’d give Deep River a try. Besides, I’m a fool for quality kettle chips; I just can’t get enough. When I dug into the bag of their Asian Sweet & Spicy chips, I admit I was skeptical. Would these chips taste like cheap and greasy Chinese takeout? What do Rachel Ray and Penn Gillette know anyway? Apparently, they know a lot.

Oh Grasshopper. These were fresh and delicious.

The dominant flavor was ginger, underscored with garlic and the sweet tang of onion and honey. Checking the package I found - NO GINGER! Again I dove into the bag - yup, a distinct ginger flavor with every chip. How do they do it? Could it be the combination of honey, garlic, onion, sugar, soybean oil, parsley and vinegar that simulates ginger? Or perhaps the “natural flavoring.”

I finished the bag while pondering the mysterious ginger question, akin to a Zen Buddhist koan: if you taste ginger and there is no ginger, are you tasting ginger? (Feel free to insert you own Gilligan’s Island joke here.)

They were a tad sweet for my taste, but the spice level was perfect. A very enjoyable kettle chip experience.

Deep River Snacks is a family business that focuses on all-natural chips in a variety of tasty flavors. Grab a bag before they disappear! (Lame magician pun goes out to Penn.)

• Deep River Snacks Website

Buy Deep River Snacks Online:

• at SnackAisle.com

The recent issue of Consumer Reports rates chocolate chip cookies. I was - intrigued? offended? dubious? - to find that two brands outranked my favorite Chips Ahoy.

I mean, “favorite” isn’t even the word. In my mind they are the standard, the traditional, THE American cookie. What’s more, they are outranked in these ratings by Keebler.

Here’s the truth, people: As far as I know I’ve NEVER eaten a Keebler cookie. I’ve certainly never chosen to buy them myself. I don’t want cookies baked by creepy little elves in a dirty forest. And yet, Keebler were ranked “very good” and Chips Ahoy only “good.”

Well, this was a challenge. And - what if they were actually better? So of course I had to try them.

When I opened the package, the smell was perfect. But matters went rapidly downhill from there. The cookies were too perfectly, artificially round, and very pale, like they’d been taken out of the oven too soon.

The texture, in my opinion, is all wrong. CR called them “crunchy but tender.” I like crunchy, and “crunchy but tender” seems contradictory to me. The “tender” should have warned me. They’re almost kind of sandy or powdery. Ick. (A second taster agreed, so I’m not totally crazy.)

The taste of the cookie part is OK. It’s mild, not too distinctive tasting, which is fine - flour and sugar, obviously no butter. No weird off tastes from strange fats. But the chocolate is mostly just sweet, not very chocolate. Not impressive.

So, bummer. Not only are they NOT very good and now I have this whole bag… but now I feel like I can’t trust Consumer Reports about cookies.

I couldn’t find their other brand ranked “very good,” Health Valley Mini. But overcome with a desperate need to find a cookie worth eating, instead I bought a similar looking kind at Whole Foods, which is also mini and organic and comes in a similar bag. (They’re very different from the Whole Foods Chocolate Chip that I reviewed earlier.)

These have actual butter in them, and usually I am not looking for a buttery taste in a packaged chocolate chip cookie. And indeed, these flirt with the verge of tasting like shortbread with chocolate chips, which is NOT the same thing as a chocolate chip cookie.

However, I seem to keep eating them without stopping. Unlike the Keebler they are slightly brown on top, which is good. The biggest problem is that distribution of chips is uneven. I don’t like a cookie that has too many chips - if I wanted to eat a chocolate bar, I’d eat a chocolate bar - but some of these individual cookies have hardly any chips, not enough even for me.

I will have no trouble finishing this bag, but I doubt I will buy them again.

Neither of these brands have usurped Chips Ahoy in my estimation. But despite this blow to my confidence in Consumer Reports, I really have to find those Health Valley cookies. I later looked up the ingredients online and compared these Whole Foods cookies to the Health Valley. They are similar but not identical, so they’re not a close copy. I am curious about whether they are equally wrong and, yet, hope springs eternal. The quest continues….

• Keebler Website
• Whole Foods Website

Buy Keebler Chips Deluxe Cookies Online:

• at Amazon.com

If you’re in the Atlanta metro area tomorrow (Saturday, May 9) come to Centennial Olympic Park and be a part of the circus atmosphere as the geniuses behind Batter Blaster attempt to break the Guinness World Record for most pancakes served in eight hours, roughly 70,000. And yes, the pancakes are FREE! Well, somebody’s gotta eat ‘em.

If Aunt Jemima and Cheez Whiz had a baby, Batter Blaster would be its name. On the market since 2007, this is the pancake/waffle batter in a spray can that’s been featured on “Live with Regis and Kelly,” as well as the “John Tesh Radio Show” website. (I didn’t even know John Tesh had a radio show, much less featured it on the internet! Huh-WHA?)

The “unofficial” current record of 66,549 5-inch cooked pancakes is held by a Lion’s Club in Lubbock, Texas. Good luck, Batter Blaster - there are tons of homeless people in Atlanta eager to gobble up some free food.

Hey Fabio, pass the spray butter and spray syrup!

We all know that Tim Tams taste good, but in this case, they’re also doing good. You see, the US run of Tim Tams is all over (*cry*), but there’s one case left out there, and you can be the lucky person to win it! To sweeten the deal, Aussie actor Hugh Jackman has autographed the box, making it doubly tasty.

The auction over at eBay benefits Feeding America, a leading hunger relief charity. You get 24 packages of Chocolate Creme Tim Tams in the box. So go bid already!

• Tim Tams at eBay
• I Love Tim Tam Cookies Website
• Feeding America Website

Based in New Hampshire, Snackaisle is an online source for tons of all-natural, low-fat, low-sodium, gluten-free snacks, too many to mention now. We’ll be reviewing many of them here over the next few weeks.

Kettle Brand Baked Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper Chips
It was only a 4 oz. bag, but the contents disappeared (during the aforementioned feeding frenzy) in about 10 seconds. I snagged enough chips for myself to know that they’re simply the tastiest potato chips I’ve eaten in years. It was all I could do to keep from licking the inside of the bag.

The chips were sturdy yet light at first bite, baked to a golden brown, and just spicy enough to please even the most discerning pepperhead. Spices included black pepper, white pepper, ground jalapeno peppers, oil of black pepper. Onion and garlic rounded out these simple yet very satisfying chips.

Each serving (20 chips) contains 3g of total fat, 120mg of sodium, 21g of carbs, and a whopping 430mg of potassium. Not cheap, though, at around $3.49 for a 4 oz. bag, so buy them and refuse to share - not even with your best friend.

I just needed a tall glass of sweet tea to go along with it. (She was from North Carolina and she was a love, God rest her dear soul.)

These chips were greasier than the Salt & Pepper chips, yet the distinct onion flavor was not overpowering and had an understated finish that left a very subtle aftertaste. Definitely no “onion breath” after eating these. However, they had a bit more fat and sodium than the Salt & Pepper chips.

All of the Kettle Brand chips contain no artificial ingredients and no preservatives, and are totally gluten free.

• Kettle Foods Website

Buy Kettle Brand Chips Online:

• at Snackaisle.com