On the previous hour of The Amazing Race…twelve teams raced Thunder Road, the Japanese showed they’re no longer afraid of The Bomb as long as it’s of the wasabi variety, and I named a team after one of my favorite OPI nail polish colors.  Yay!

Meghan and Cheyne (I so badly want to write Cheyenne…and that is driving me crazy like a wasabi-eating Amazing Racer) were the first to arrive around noon, and are the first to depart around midnight. Clue-rip. Teams have to fly to Ho Chi Min City, Vietnam, and then bus it for two hours to the rural village of Cai Be. Once there, they’ll race to – I don’t know…something Vietnamese – and get their next clue.

In the cab confessional, Meghan lets us in on Cheyne’s secret to success…don’t plan anything! His famous phrase is, “We’ll figure it out when we get there.” You know, there’s a certain synergy to that ideology. As someone who tends to over-plan, I’m well versed in this thing we over-planners like to call “analysis paralysis”.

Justin and Zev leave next, and also have a confession to make…they’re already playing the Aspergers card. Tsk tsk tsk. Shame shame shame. Here, let me wag my index finger at you a little bit. *wag wag wag* They head to a local hotel to get on the Internet, which is the same idea Team RoidRage had. They aren’t going to lollygag, or waste time, or try to “find” each other…because Mr. RoidRage already knows where he is. Want to know where he is? Here. With his biceps. Oh, spoiler alert – they bicker a lot.

Nate and Herb are nice guys, and people seem to like Harlem Globetrotters around the world, so they’re going to use that to their advantage…at the Tokyo Hilton’s business center. They immediately take up with someone who helps them with their flight search, much to the dismay of Mrs. Dr. Phil. “You’re only helping the guys.” “Hey, they’re Globetrotters.” Indeed.

Team OffandOn has known each other for seven years, but they’ve been off more than on during that time. “It’s getting close to figuring out if it’s walk down the aisle, or walk off the plane.” Um gee, you think? Seven years? Let’s give it a couple more…see if Temptation Island gets resurrected and then go from there. Team OMG, Me Too! has decided to keep its gayness a secret, and Canaan decides to not keep his sexual purity a secret. Mika says he likes her for her, not because he wants to have sex with her. Oh, sweetie. You’re so cute.

Yeah, so…the teams who went straight to the airport can’t seem to get tickets on the earliest flight. Mr. Team JungleLove is trying to get tickets, by offering up a really generous deal to the masked ticket agent (not as Zorro-sexy as it sounds)…”How about we buy economy, but sit in business?” I really need to try that the next time I need to get on a full flight.

The Ticket Haves segregate themselves from the Ticket Have Nots, and out of nowhere Mr. Team RoidRage takes Team Royal Flush Blush to task: “I can’t believe they gave those two chicks a Speed Bump. Bastards should have been sent home.” This guy’s a trial lawyer, right? “I can’t believe they gave that shoplifter probation. Bastard should have been sent to the electric chair.” He’s cutthroat, and according to him, that’s what’s going to win his team the race.

The non-pageant winning half of Team JungleLove begs and pleads and somehow they get eight seats on a full flight. I don’t know if they’re in Business class…if they’re being snuck in with the food, or what. But, they’re on the flight. Team Royal Flush Blush prances past the Ticket Haves, pulling their luggage and refusing to answer any questions. “What flight are we on? We’re not on a flight? We’re seeing if we can take a trip…on a rocket ship.”

Faster than you can say “Whatever happened to Celebrity Poker Showdown?” Tiffany is IDd by an astute fellow traveler, and word spreads quickly among the other teams. Sam and Dan now know The Truth, and are nearly busted themselves when Maria and Tiffany think their orange passport holders are adorably gay…or not. They’re falling a little in love with Sam and Dan. Awww.

Our teams land in Vietnam, and the camera lenses immediately fog up because it’s 2 million degrees, 100% humidity, and the middle of monsoon season. Sam and Dan taunt the girls with, “Poker poker poker pokerrrrrrr” as they share a cab from the airport, which I would totally take out of context if I didn’t know that our boys aren’t into our girls.

As the teams drive through the flooded streets of Ho Chi Minh City, I really have to wonder how those cars manage to successfully navigate through the water…when cars here in Dallas totally flood out in like, two inches of water. At the Xemien Tay Bus Station, half of the teams catch the earlier bus and the other half catch the later. Miss America 2004 isn’t happy (”Oh Hell no”) about being on the later bus, and thinks she’s going to be sick.

A sopping wet man boards Bus #2, and Zev is kind enough to give the guy his jacket. That’s just awesome. Would I have done that? Probably not, but only because I likely only have one jacket on this race…and hopefully the guy has one at home. I feel like kind of a heel for saying that until Miss America 2004 one-ups me with, “Zev has his jacket and just gives it to the guy. That was the kindest thing that you could do, and I’m so proud of him.” You’re proud of him? What is he, three? Oh that’s right…ya’ll still think he’s Zev, the Guy With Aspergers. You don’t know that he’s smart. Tsk tsk.

Bus #1 reaches Cai Bei and wouldn’t you know it…the boat dock is closed. One thing I’ve noticed about these first couple of race legs, is that everyone is being kept very close together. The teams aren’t more than about an hour apart from each other at any one time, and they usually meet back up collectively before a challenge. While that will get a little dull later on, for my blogging purposes, it’s rather helpful. Thanks, Amazing producers!

While having dinner, Garrett says he totally thinks about marriage with Jessica (note he doesn’t say “marrying”…because that would be an active verb, requiring action on his part) because she’s “Loyal, loving, very caring…she’s a reallly good person.” Mazel tov, buddy. Now tell me about why you haven’t married her yet. Let me hear those adjectives. Mr. Team RoidRage doesn’t “get how the culture works down here.” His shoes are wet, his socks are wet, his feet are wet, and he doesn’t see himself getting a summer home in Vietnam. Dude, that isn’t culture…that’s called weather.

Morning! Dock opens! Clue-rip! Teams must race through the Mekong Delta to a series of mudpits, then collect mud to fertilize fruit trees. This isn’t just any old mud though, this is mud that rivals the consistency of wet concrete. Team Royal Flush Blush hits the Speed Bump, which consists of finding a soup stand and ordering the ingredients to make pho (which isn’t pronounced phoh, but phuh; however, Phil pronounces it phah). On a related note…does anyone know a good pho restaurant in Dallas? We’re also looking for any Japanese places that make a mean ramen. kthx. This challenge is a piece of rice cake for Maria, which is good since she totally bongled that wasabi challenge in the previous leg.

Race, race, race. The mud pits are just a big, messy disaster. Our teams slip and trip and fall and sink, and locals stand around and point and snicker and laugh. It’s delightful to watch. It was even more delightful to see Miss America 2004’s thong shot. Nah, it really wasn’t. Team PinkyBrain is used to hard work on the farm, so they just dig in and make things happen. Meghan and Cheyne finish and, you know, I’m really starting to love these two crazy kids. Clue-rip. Return the boat to the boat dock, then head on over to the Cai Bei Fields. Cue video of muddy white ducks. Oh boy. High-fives.

More mudslinging, more mockery. For as much as I’m really not getting a “warm fuzzy” from them, Team Royal Flush Blush is doing a good job of staying in the game. After a fiasco involving lost clues for both Team Purity and Zev & Justin, things get back on track for them…just as Meghan and Cheyne arrive at the Cai Bei Fields.

Clue-rip! Roadblock! Who’s feeling just ducky? Probably Jon Cryer, after his recent Emmy win! Now, while I think it would have been great fun to have had our teams corral 150 Duckies, due to logistical constraints our teams will instead corral 150 actual ducks. If teams don’t complete the obstacle course within 10 minutes, they relinquish their turn and then have to wait to do it again.

Who has more trouble? Jessica…although I’m thinking that had more to do with Garrett yelling at her than anything else. Brian’s trying to keep Miss America 2004 calm, but isn’t doing that great of a job. She was all ooey gooey sweet with the ducks, and then starts cussing them out…which really, isn’t motivational no matter what your species is. I can only imagine what “quack” really translates to in Duckese.

Team OMG Me Too!! finishes first. Clue-rip. Make your way on foot to the Bassac III riverboat, the pit stop for this leg of the race. Last one to check in…well, we know there’s going to be an elimination this time.

There’s that thong again. I was going to write that it should become this season’s Amazing Accessory (longtime readers, remember the Burberry visor? Mirna’s whistle?), but technically I don’t think a thong can be considered an accessory. We’ll throw that out to the judges for a ruling. Check back next week. Team Royal Flush Blush thinks this task will be easy, because Tiffany had ducks growing up. Yeah, but did you have a hundred and fifty hungry ducks?

The great thing about this challenge is that it totally shows that what Cesar Millan preaches all the time is true…you have to be calm and assertive to be the pack leader. Look at which teams rather easily complete this rather daunting task…Teams PinkyBrain, NailRady, OMG Me Too!, and JustinZev. Justin goes so far as to anoint Zev the “Duck Whisperer”. Calm and assertive, people. Works for kids, works for dogs, works for ducks.

Canaan’s all in a tizzy…”God, I want to rip her head off right now.” Well now, that would just be absurd. How is she supposed to herd ducks if she doesn’t have a head? Silly Canaan. Sam and Dan are experiencing a power struggle, as evidenced by the cavalier use of the word “moron”. This struggle gives Team PinkyBrain just enough of a window to slip in and steal the #1 spot away. Phil. Mat. Gary and Matt…you’re team #1! As the winners of this leg of the race, each one of them was given a kayak because…well…look at ‘em. A spa vacation in Turks and Caicos wouldn’t have made any sense.

More teams check in, and it becomes a foot race for last place. Who will be eliminated…Team Miss America (F*ck Yeah!) or Team OnandOff? Luckily it was Team OnandOff, because I just fell in love with Brian and Ericka’s brand spankin’ new team name. These things have to come about organically, you know. I can throw team names out there and see if they’ll stick, but they don’t stick until they do. Like that?  Yes, I do management consulting. Drop me a line in the comments if you’re interested in contracting my management, social media, and marketing services.

Sorry…got sidetracked. Garrett and Jessica are visibly non-emotional about the whole elimination thing, and he isn’t sure if they’ll ever get married. But then he goes and proposes to her (3:30) and we discover that he even brought the ring with him on the Race. Dude, you need to give Katy Perry a call for a debriefing on the words hot and cold. Jeepers.

Next week on The Amazing Race…Mr. Team RoidRage channels his inner Geek Squad team member, and Garrett changes his mind about marrying Jessica. I’m joking. Good luck kids, and if you ever need any marital advice…let me know. I’ve been married a little longer than you two have been on and/or off.

Panoramic shot of Los Angeles. Phil VOs: “It’s early morning in downtown Los Angeles and the temperature is rising fast in the movie capital of the world.” Cut to the Los Angeles River. “This is the Los Angeles River, an iconic setting that’s been used as a location for stunts and movies such as Grease and Terminator 2.” As we watch two police cars race down the river and swerve, lights a-flashing, I’m thinking this would have been a great opportunity for CBS to tie in the beginning five minutes of any new NCIS: Los Angeles episode. Nah…the Emmy-award winning The Amazing Race is too cool to whore itself out to the network or blatant product placement.

Our twelve teams are on their way to the Los Angeles River in buses likely driven by Sandra Bullock, and because I think every reality show should have an element of The Bachelor embedded in it, I do believe these teams should have arrived via limo to greet Phil.

Our teams are:

Brian & Ericka – She was Miss America in 2004 (cut to weepy acceptance and Miss Congeniality waving). He’s white.

Lance & Keri – He’s a trial attorney, and she’s the future Mrs. RoidRage.

Maria & Tiffany – Professional poker playas, and I swear I have seen Tiffany somewhere before. They “like to win”. Really, Amazing producers? That’s all you’ve got?

Zev & Justin – Friends, and Zev’s the one with Asperger’s. He’s a snarky smart-ass right off the bat, so I like him. Take that, Luke!

Mika & Canaan – “Newly dating”, and contenders for most the popular pair of names for your German Shepherds. They’re Christ-following country singers/songwriters. And, they hope they can pray about winning. Awesome.

Flight Time & Big Easy – Harlem Globetrotters and, I think, names of iPhone apps. Their American nail salon names are Herb and Nate, which I think I like better.

Sam & Dan – Brothers from Missouri who came out of the closet to each other at the exact same time. “I’m gay.” “OMG, me too!”

Gary & Matt – Father & son team from Montana. Gary quips, “This race is important, because there are so many great years that we miss out on sometimes because we’re running so fast” and I’m thinking…dude, you must be running really fast to miss out on years. But then they cut to him on his slowpokey tractor and then I think um, well, maybe not so much.

Eric & Lisa – Married yoga teachers. Married to each other. They’re like “Yoga in the hood.” Numero frickin’ uno.

Garrett & Jessica – Dating “on and off”. I love couples like this, because it’s usually more off than on. He grew up with a brother, so he never had to deal with “female drama”. Did he not have a mom, or go to a coed school? She comes from a Colombian family, of which female drama is usually the cornerstone. They aren’t smiling. That can’t be good.

Marcy & Ron – The dating Baby Boomers. Marcy looks like Mrs. Dr. Phil. She’d never dated a bald guy before. I said something rather off-color to Seth in response to that, but I just don’t have the guts to write it here.

Meghan & Cheyne – Elementary school tetherball foes, and dating. She knows he’s going to marry her, and she “thinks” he knows the same thing. Hate to break it to you Megs, but I’m thinking Cheyne is going to wind up on Dancing With the Stars next season.

Phil greets our teams and psychs them up with promises of the adventure of a lifetime, including every possible obstacle and many unexpected surprises. Their first clue is an envelope on top of their gear, so ON YOUR MARK…GET SET…wait? What?

Clearly CBS, Jerry, Phil, et al. read my unbelievably boring season premiere recaps from yesteryear, and decided that just sending everyone straight to the airport from the start line is so 2006. This season, the first challenge takes place before the race even really begins. And, the losing team will immediately be eliminated. That’s right. After all of this…one team won’t even get out of the LA River. Wow. Sounds like they’ve been watching The Bachelor, too. We’ll call this the Worst Impression Rose. If you can’t figure out how not to come in last before the 13-hour flight, then you might as well just go home.

And with that, Cha Cha DiGregorio raises her scarf above her head, puffs out her chest, and says “GO!”

We’re off…running, running, running…and no immediate falls or tumbles. Clue-rip. Fly to Tokyo. But first, search the wall of “over a thousand” license plates for one of only 11 from the Shinigawa District, which is the first destination. The Amazing clue-writers have even made it easy for our teams…providing the symbol for Shinigawa at the top of the clue. Savvy Racers though, will immediately run to the wall and look for the word “Shinigawa”. Once teams find the plate, they’ll receive a ticket on one of two flights (American! United!). The last team will get nothing and will be the first team ever to be eliminated at the starting line.

I thought this switch-up was brilliant, and a fresh move for the show. I get SO SICK of watching all of the airport bullshit while the teams try to find the best flights, jockey for initial position, etc. This solves that problem by putting the first teams on the earlier flight, the later teams on the later flight, and the losing team on its way home. Badda boom, badda bing.

Chaos ensues. Teams start grabbing any license plate that looks like it might have Japanese lettering on it, and Phil has to say, “That is not correct” about eleventy billion times. Teams eventually start catching on…and it’s a race to the Loser’s Lounge for Teams Yogalicious and RoidRage. The camera pans down to Phil’s holding of a United plane ticket jacket. Just so you don’t forget. Our flight sponsors for this leg are American and…dammit, what was the other one? Mr. Team RoidRage grabs the last plate and runs back towards Phil barking, “THAT’S RIGHT, THAT’S RIGHT, COME ON BABY, YOU KNOW IT’S IT.” I think Phil was a little pained to have to tell this over-testosteroned himbo the plate was correct.

With that, Team Yogalicious is eliminated from the race within moments of actually coming up with a team name. I’m still befuddled though, by Eric’s parting comment: “If you’re the first team to be eliminated, now, the shame and the pain is gone…for everybody else. Though we took a beating for everybody…” Lisa concludes with, “We set them free.” Huh? I’m almost sad they’re gone, since I suspect this season would have been filled with yogalicious tip after tip on how to deal with life the Eric & Lisa Way. /pose

En route to LAX, we get to know the teams a little bit better. Team RoidRage starts pinning responsibility on each other for their initial challenge failings, and I start to get the feeling I don’t like Mrs. Dr. Phil. Cue Harlem Globetrotters music. Nate & Herb work the crowd, asking everyone what they do for a living and Team Royal Flush Blush (one of my favorite OPI nail colors, by the by) responds with a lie. You see, they’re poker players…and this is called a bluff. They don’t want anyone to know they’re professional poker players and make a lot of money because then…dot dot dot…no one will want to help them. This confused me because a lot of professional poker players make no money whatsoever, and I wouldn’t have immediately connected “pro poker player” and “deliciously wealthy” with a straight line. Maybe a dotted one, but definitely not straight.

Speaking of definitely not straight, once in Tokyo Team Royal Flush Blush decides Sam & Dan are “hot” and starts flirting with them. Oh, I can’t wait to see how that all plays out. Mika & Canaan are slightly embarrassed their taxi driver is illegally driving on the shoulder to get them around the other cars, yet they say nothing. I have to think that speaking up about violating Man’s Law is something that Jesus Would Most Definitely Do. I could be wrong though, given the fact that a million dollars is involved. Yeah, I love the Christ-oriented teams…because I get to point out everything they do that isn’t very Christian-like. For example, Canaan says, “Dear God” and I don’t see him either with a pen in his hand or with his hands clasped looking towards the roof of the car.

Once at Tokyo Tower Studios, we find our teams are going to be on a Japanese game show. Woot! Sushi Roulette! Japanese game show studio audiences are caaaaraaaaaazy. Once all of the teams have assembled, our host asks, “Are you experienced?” Kidding. He asks, “Are you ready to pray…the Sushi Roulette?” I yelled, “Mika and Canaan are!” and then realized he was saying “play” and not “pray”.

Our esteemed host will spin the Sushi Roulette wheel, which has nine pieces of sushi…and two wasabi bombs. The contestants will eat whatever lands in front of them. If you get a wasabi bomb, you have two minutes to eat it…or you lose your turn and start over. Once done with the sushi bomb, you’ll get your next clue and continue on.

For the uninitiated, here’s a fun Urban Dictionary definition of wasabi: A condiment, Japanese in origin, that’s popular in the United States. Once ingested, it’s pure hell for all of five seconds.

Right after you take a good hit of wasabi, your nose will burn as if you just belched after gulping down a mustard gas soda pop, your eyes will feel like they got sprayed with ammonia, you will become unable to breathe because you don’t want to dessicate your lungs into massive pulmonary scar tissue, and this nightmare of physical torture will compound itself on a cosmic scale until you are about to crumple into tearful, humiliating, submissive defeat for foolishly defying the terrible power of the wasabi gods, and then it’s overwith. Then you’re ready for some more.

I could have done this challenge, although I would have asked for a little soy sauce. The next twenty minutes of the ep is basically watching everyone eat sushi and suffer through wasabi bombs, but the Japanese game show graphical elements scattered throughout the game were great. Mr. Dr. Mrs. Phil and Cheyne are the first to tackle their wasabi bombs. Cheyne finishes up first. Clue-rip. Teams have to take their colored flag, match it up with the colored visors of audience members, and then guide everyone through streets of Tokyo.  They’ll proceed through the famed Shibuya “scramble” crossing, and then to the Konno Hachimangu Shrine. This shrine is the pit stop of this leg of the race, and the last team to show up may be eliminated.

The Hopefully Not Future Mr. Dr. Mrs. Phil also finishes up, and both teams gather their audience members to make the trek through Tokyo. Garrett and Justin are next to tackle their wasabi bombs, which I am now thinking needs to be a euphamism for…something. Meghan & Cheyne decide to try to find someone to help them figure out where they need to go (By shouting “English?” which really, was a great idea), while Mrs. Dr. Phil decides it’s time to rally her troops and engage in a little useless chanting and miscellaneous team-building. Even worse, she’s gotten a harmonica from somewhere (please…someone, take that away from her now). Why they’re doing this and not trying to, oh I don’t know, get to point B is beyond me. Mrs. Dr. Phil explains, “Some people might perceive me as being frantic, but really, you know, I’m in my body and having a lot of good time.” Her hapless teammate does not seem amused.

Back at Wasabi Challenge, Justin handily defeats his wasabi bomb and Zev, ever the good friend and snarkster, calls him a “fat cow”. Loving Zev. LOVING him. Garrett finishes, and…I think that’s the last time you see Jessica smile for the rest of the show.

The wasabi bomb lands in front of Team Royal Flush Blush. Maria…eat tha wasabbbbbbbbi! Or not. It’s up to you. But if you don’t, you’ll have to do it again – and again – and again – until you finish. Meanwhile, Cheyne has found someone to lead the way…and Mrs. Dr. Phil is once again not being frantic, but being just plain annoying. Her hapless teammate tries to redirect her attention by pointing at the shiny, sparkly MAP. Justin finds what looks to be an American to help Team JustinZev and their game show entourage, and I swear we saw that guy on House Hunters over the weekend…no joke…buying a condo in Tokyo. Hmm. Are HGTV and CBS owned by the same parent company?

Maria’s still working her wasabi bomb and finishes…just after the time ran out. Oh, so sad. We will pray for you next time. Or play for you. Spin the wasabi wheeeeeel! And damn if the sumbitch wasabi bomb doesn’t land smack in front of Maria again. Seriously girlfriend, down it. You went to college, I’m sure. Git ‘er done. Tiffany, ever the supportive teammate, provides that extra little bit of encouragement with, “I was really kind of worried at that point, ’cause I see how painful it is once…there’s no possible way that she can suck it up enough to do it again.” Rah rah rah!

I remember back when Seth and I got married, people told us that if we did nothing else during our reception…we should stop and take a look around at what’s going on. Enjoy the moment. Savor it. Take the time, so you can lock away the memory. I always think teams on The Amazing Race need to do that. Yeah, it’s a race…but if you’re out in front, why the Hell not stop? Meghan and Cheyne do just that, in the center of the scramble. I loved it. Mrs. Dr. Phil is two miles away from the shrine. Dear God.

Finally…Maria finishes her wasabi bomb. Finally. Cut to the shrine. Phil. Mat. Meghan and Cheyne…you are team number ONE! Jumping! Yelling! A trip for two to both Aspen and Vail. Nice! Loving those two so far. Zev & Justin arrive second. They’re proud of each other. Justin asks if they should make out. You know what? I’m kind of loving him, too.  I think I’d make out with Justin.

I could go on and on and on about the rest of the wasabi bomb challenge…but even I’m starting to bore of it after watching a second time. Here’s all you need to know…Miss America 2004 is one mean-ass bitch. Oh. My. God. She was rather hyper, but still supportive…until it looked like her husband wasn’t going to finish his wasabi bomb. Then…she sprouted fangs and a tail and went all psycho yelling, “YOU’VE GOT THIS! OPENYOURMOUTH! OPENYOURMOUTH! OPENYOURMOUTH!” Sadly, the poor guy didn’t make the time cut-off, so he had to wait for another turn on the wasabi-go-round. She behaved pretty much the same way the second attempt, and I’m pretty sure he was weighing the level of pain involved with just downing a big blob of wasabi against the pain involved with listening to his wife yell at him for yet another two minutes. At least with the wasabi, the pain goes away relatively quickly. He finishes at the bell, and now everyone is headed for the shrine.

But alas, not all is well. One of Garrett and Jessica’s entourage has to go to the bathroom, so they have to make a different kind of pit stop. Team Royal Flush Blush has misplaced a couple members of its entourage, and the ladies start sniping at each other again. Mika & Canaan make it to the pit stop, but are short one person so they head back out in search of their straggler. Their straggler is quickly located, and Canaan carries her to the pit stop.  Nice touch.  They are team number ten.

Team Royal Flush Blush arrives last, having given up long ago on arriving with its group fully intact.  In a first for The Amazing Race, the last team shows up to the cheers and support of all of the other teams…and the entire game show audience. Wow. That would have really been embarrassing had this been an elimination leg, but it is not because…well…that would have been brutal considering we got rid of a team at the beginning of the leg. The poker players are spared for now, but are stuck with a two-hour penalty for not being able to count and will have to endure the dreaded SPEED BUMP at some point in the next leg.

Good grief. That was just the first hour. <del>Stay tuned</del> Click here for my recap of the second hour!

Russell is quite proud of his coup d’etata, as he rightly viewed Marisa as a threat.  Snarkwife say, the best way to get rid of the strong is to rally the weak, right?  Officer Betsy sees what’s going on and asserts, “I’m not afraid to stand up to him…at all.  He knows where I’m coming from and that I have no faith in him.” She expresses this lack of fear by essentially repeating everything Russell says back to him, then walks away after he questions her trust and confidence and his professed Ned Flanders-esque need to just do the right thing for the tribe.  Be. Aggressive.  Be Be Aggressive HEY!

Back over at Galu, Yasmin is complaining…about everything.  About how everyone looks better than her, about the cold, about how much love in the outdoors sucks, about the pitiful sleeping arrangements, about having a stick up her butt.  From what I can gather, people were comparing Survivor to Detroit (now that’s a show idea) and according to Yasmin, that is categorically…inaccurate! “The hood’s not the wood”.  Let me write that again.  The hood…is not the wood.

Jaison addresses Russell’s hatred of Marisa and WHOA WHOA WHOA, Russell didn’t hate Marisa…he just thought she was a powerful player.  I mean come on, would Russell lie about something like that?  I mean, he survived the Katrina floods for crying out loud!  Russell, in fact, is such a stand-up guy that he expresses interest – to Jaison –  in looking for the Immunity Idol, boasting that no one has ever found it without a clue.  So…he starts sticking his head up trees looking for the idol and tells the rest of his tribe exactly what he’s doing…while they all sit around and watch.  At this point I’m thinking, how totally awesome would it be if he spent about three days looking for the idol and then didn’t find it.  That would show him!  Knock his obnoxious little ego down a notch.  Yeah!

No!  Damn if that obnoxious little jackwad (my goal is to come up with a new derogatory term for Russell each week) and his sidekick Ego didn’t find the freaking Immunity Idol.  The hell? That’s not really the idol, right?  The Survivor PAs littered the camp with fake idols, right?  Russell proudly carries his kill up to Jaison and presents it like the good pit bull he is, and JUST LIKE THAT Jaison totally trusts him.  Sigh.  The funny thing about Russell having the Immunity Idol, is that he has to use it if he thinks he’s on the chopping block.  But…is he ever going to feel that insecure?  When Russell does go, I suspect it will be a blindside of epic proportions (I’m starting to sound like The Bachelor…the most romantic Tribal Council ever!).  Side note:  I didn’t realize until right now that there’s another Russell in the game.

Tree Mail!  Mike and Betsy make the walk and Mike announces that this will be his day, that he’s a strong player.  Wait, that’s not right…technically he said he “wasn’t the weakest player” and I suppose I shouldn’t be so bold as to suggest any level of strength can be derived from that statement.  What Mike doesn’t know, is that we replaced his strength with that of Folger’s crystals and the other tribemates have already decided they’re going to get rid of either him or Betsy.  Why?  ’Cause they’re old.  Sound strategy.

Foa Foa discovers that the immunity/reward challenge (don’t they do these separately anymore?) consists of a rumble and everyone immediately starts oooohing and ahhhhing and points to Mike because, I guess, they think he was in West Side Story or something?  He’s from Marina del Rey by way of New York City, so he knows how to handle himself in a gang-type situation?  I don’t know.  Either way, the tribes have to warrior themselves up for the challenge…and Mike declares himself a “mean motor-scooter and a bad go-getter”. Man.  To me, there’s just nothing particularly tough about a man who uses the word “motor-scooter”. I’m just saying. But wait, he isn’t done.  ”I’m gonna take him downtown to Chinatown, man.”

The Challenge!  The challenge involves rugby and basketball or more specifically, wrestling over the possession of three balls and then passing those balls to other team members who will try to shoot baskets.  First to three wins.  The reward is fishing gear.  ”If you can’t catch fish with this, go home,” Probsty says, as the camera cuts to half of the Foa Foa tribe.  And there’s another twist but Probsty, that sneaky dog, won’t divulge it until after the challenge is completed.

I’d like to take a moment and talk about my hatred of the word “strategize”.  Take three extra seconds and just say, “Come up with a strategy.”  ”Strategize” is such a Twitterfied word.  Twitterfied is such an adjective that’s oddly derived from a noun.

What ensues next is nothing short of brutal.  Heads are literally cracking.  Women and men are getting knocked around, knocked to the ground, hit in the face, and choked.  Probsty isn’t having any of this, and says that warnings are over.  If he sees anything resembling a “cheap shot”, that person is out of the challenge.  What’s funny is right after that I saw Yasmin basically get Ashley into a headlock but Probsty praised that, so I guess that shot wasn’t cheap enough?  Then Ben bites John and Probsty again thinks that’s fine.  To truly find out what a cheap shot is, we have to wait for Ben to kick The Other Russell in the leg Cobra Kai dojo style.  Probsty tosses Ben out, and we hear cheering.  With one tribemate down, Foa Foa loses.

The “twist” (I’d totally forgotten about it by this point) is that The Other Russell has to pick someone from the Galu tribe to head back to camp with Foa Foa and “observe” them at camp and at tribal council.  He picks his “homegirl Yasmin” and I just have to wave my arms and yell “STOP, STOP, STOP”.  Okay.  Between this and Dave snapping his fingers and telling Yasmin she “was funky, baby” earlier in the ep, I’m collectively taking all of that as the all-clear to myself start picking on Homegirl Yasmin.  FYI…there are a lot of class action suits gearing up against her, so if you’ve been in contact with Yasmin and have been injured, contact a lawyer.

Once back at Foa Foa, Mike conks out like a motor-scooter and is effectively removed from the game by the Survivor Medical Team.  I totally recognize all of them, which means we’re seeing way more of them now than in seasons past.  Now, I do feel bad for Mike because he did bust it out in the challenge.  Since Mike did not get a rose, Probsty tells everyone to say their goodbyes and Mike is helicoptered out.  I told you…watch out for Yasmin, it’s dangerous!

Because Survivor is what it is, and because Probsty is psychic…you had to know that Galu wouldn’t be able to catch any fish with their new fishing gear.  Shambo – who is an expert in spear fishing, I presume, because she was a Marine and she did it when she was in Nam? – completely fails at fishing.  She can’t catch anything in the ocean, can’t catch anything in the nasty, dark, murky pond (uh…duh?) and to make matters worse, breaks the snorkel.  After an unproductive fishing trip and some Baloo-type floating, Shambo heads back to camp with the predictable “Do you want the good news or the bad news” strategy to try and save herself from being speared and roasted alive.  ”The good news is…you’ll never believe it…there’s fish in the ocean!” Laura says, in reaction to Shambo’s declaration that there are “hundreds of thousands of fish on the reef”…none of which she was able to catch.

Yasmin wastes no time in starting her “observation” of Foa Foa, and it’s pretty much like Nanny Jo’s “observation” time on Supernanny, minus the silence and lack of interference.  She beckons everyone to come closer, so we can have a round-robin introduction.  ”My name is Yasmin and I’m a professional hairstylist.”  She goes on to say she isn’t the enemy (remember, she’s a hairstylist), and that she’s here to help them strategize because she doesn’t want to feel like she’s taking candy from a baby.  Wow.  That don’t boost her self-esteem, and she don’t like walking on cakes, or caking on walks…or something.  Honestly, half of what she says is completely unintelligible.  Jaison isn’t having any of Homegirl Yasmin’s nonsense. *finger snap*

I’d like to also add that anytime someone starts a sentence with the phrase “Now don’t get offended, but…”, people are likely going to be offended.  For me, that’s right up there with “Let me be very clear…”  She follows up with more team-building and synergy-enhancement to the tune of, “Personally off the rip, I’ve noticed that strategy may be, um, something you guys are lacking. And I don’t know his name (*points at Ben*),  Ben?  I’d like to talk to you in private. Yeah.  For sure.”  For the first time in an episode and a half, I’m actually cheering Russell on.  I want him to take Yasmin, dig up the Immunity Idol, and replace it with her down under the dirt.  That’s how much I’m disliking Yasmin and her hands-on approach to observation.

Yasmin was given a clue before heading to Foa Foa, and of course the clue is related to the Immunity Idol and explains how to find it.  Too bad it didn’t say something like, “Whitney Houston had trouble Waiting to Exhale.  Follow her movie’s beloved around to find the idol, and joy you will regale”.  Think about it.  Looking around trees is too tough for Homegirl (”Have you seen how many trees are around here?  Too many, so, you know.”).

She doesn’t have the energy to do something productive like look for the idol, but she does have enough energy to take Ben to task on his “cheap shots” and the utter nerve he had to pick on a girl!  A girl! Now, I think Ben’s a hot-head…and a dangerous one at that, but Yasmin’s total lack of persuasive argument has me raising my hand in favor of Ben.  The altercation escalates and elongates, ending with Ben calling her ghet-to trash and telling Russell she needs to go back to eating ketchup (I’m assuming he doesn’t spell it catsup) sandwiches and “drinking Kool-Aid and doing whatever else she does.”  Russell taps his fingers together and thinks, “Exxxxxxxxxxcellent.” Clearly, Ben can’t seem to add the two cells he has on the left side of his brain with the two on the other side.  He just doesn’t get how he’s destroying much chance of getting anywhere in the game…or, he gets it and just doesn’t care.  Hey, I suppose it’s a strategy.  And here Homegirl didn’t think anyone on Foa Foa knew how to strategize.  I think they know how to <del>strategize</del> create a strategy, they just don’t know how to do it well.  That’s important to note.

What happens next is just…surreal.  Ben sits up all night, sharpening his ax and whacking away at wood.  I know, sounds dirtier than it actually was.  He kept everyone up all night, whacking at wood.  Yuk yuk yuk…everyone got it out of their system? I kind of thought Ben’s tribemates would be a little more visibly annoyed than they seem to be but, who knows with these people.  What I do know is I love the morning scenes on Survivor, because they sort of remind me of what it was like at summer camp when I was a kid.  It’s cold, you didn’t sleep well (despite the sleeping bag, fifteen blankets, and wool socks)…and you really wish Shambo from the next cabin over had caught some fish yesterday so you could eat and have enough energy for the All-Camp Olympics later in the day.  Wait?  That wasn’t your experience?

Officer Betsy doesn’t want to go home at all, at all…at all…AT ALL.  AT. ALL.  Mick makes an appearance for the first time – oh hey there, Mr. Tribe Leader.  Guess you’re more of the Management By Sitting Around type?  Officer Betsy confronts the Dumbass Blonde Alliance and tells them they need to trust their intuition.  Wait, let me sound that out…in…too..ih..shun.  Go with the police officer, the mother…or the outlaw who’s a pain in the ass?  You choose.  These are young women.  I’m gauging they’re still young enough to still hate their own moms a bit, and find pain-in-the-ass bad boys to be kinda sexy.  Au revoir, Officer Bets.

Tribal Council.  Because Probsty is a funny guy, he points out that Marisa was ousted because she allegedly was causing problems in the camp…and gee, are things better in Brady Bunch Land now?  Absolutely!  Hugs!  No one liked Yasmin being there, and Ben didn’t like her calling him a sissy.  She’s ignorant and has poor grammar skills, and it was “like talking to an idiot.” Now, based on my personal understanding of the word “idiot”, Ben probably should have used a simile instead of a metaphor.  Officer Betsy makes a desperate plea, telling everyone that Ben’s the distraction and the liability…not her.  Probsty takes the bait and asks Ben if he has any regrets – at all?  His response is so poignant…”First of all, you never said we were playing by your kind of sissy rules” and then he points out that everyone else was crossing the line, which…I sort of agree with.  But, he’s also kinda…delusional.  Can you imagine this guy being up there in the final two?  Short story long, he has no regrets but at this point, I think he needs to be voted out simply for saying “sissy” twice in one Tribal Council.

Everyone votes, Betsy goes home, and Russell carves another metaphorical notch.  Props to Betsy for saying, as she writes Ben’s name down, “Don’t use my  name if you ever get stopped in New Hampshire.”

Next week, a tribe goes yogalicious and Russell plants his seed.  Eww.

Last night’s ep started out as a bit if a snoozer, save the elephant actually missing from the room in the form of Samantha Harris’s hair. Merrin believes La Harris is the host in Hell and supposes that in true demon form, her hair will magically reappear next week. I’m equally optimistic, but think it will instead sprout out in the form of a tail.

The Bad:

Kathy Ireland – Good grief, she’s magically atrocious!  I think many a male teenage fantasy was totally destroyed last night.  Gentlemen, when you were looking at her on the pages of Sports Illustrated, did you ever suspect she’d be so…clunky?  Her dancing was bad enough, but then she had to open her mouth and admit that she’d never worn high heels before she started rehearsing for the show.  Horrors! This just proves what I’ve always known…supermodels live in tiny pods like those you’d find in Tokyo, and have handlers who literally carry them around.  Fortunately Tom Bergeron had the presence of mind to try and deflect attention away from her by introducing the band.

Macy Gray – My alternate title for this post was, “I Try to Walk Away and I Stumble”.  I was really hoping I could somehow work that in.  God love her…she did try.  You could tell she’d been practicing with all her might…as awkward as that might was.  I feel so bad for Jonathan Roberts.  He’s such a great dancer and he keeps getting stuck with duds.  Oh well, maybe next season.  Or, maybe she’ll continue on in the same miraculous vein as Master P (or Mister P, as my mom kept calling him) and Cloris Leachman and stick around four episodes longer than she should.  I’d love to see the “2″ and “3″ paddles come back out.

The Good:

Mya – Right out of the gate, she’s good.  I have nothing snarkworthy to say.  I don’t even really have any good Moulin Rouge or Lady Marmalade puns.  It’s the first week though…give me time.

Joanna Krupa – Who?  I know, right?  But hey, she’s pretty good.  I guess she’s a Maxim model.  I bet she’s worn high heels before, too.

Kelly Osbourne – Holy motherf*!ker #$tstorm, Kelly was downright awesome last night.  When showing the pre-performance practice montage, I told Seth (we’re all friends now after five years, I think I can refer to him by his real name) that there was something Disney-esque about her and that if she danced well, it would be truly magical.  When I read that last sentence it sounds sort of stupid but if you watched how she and Louis Van Amstel performed, you’d understand.  I love that Louis finally got a partner that’s worthy of him, as we all remember how wonderful he and Lisa Rinna were in season two.  Her cha cha cha was spectacular, and I think I’m going to be tossing a lot of votes her way.  Plus, Ozzie and Sharon were all verklempt in the audience.  I had tears in my eyes.  LaToya Jackson’s face was melting.  It was a really beautiful moment.

Best moment of the night, though?  A tie between Macy Gray having her busted cherry caught on the live delay, and Cougar-Anne Inaba squeaking out “siiiiiiiiix!” while reacting to said busted cherry.  Ladies and gentlemen, we have this season’s Cloris Leachman.  Godspeed, Ms. Gray.

We also watched The Good Wife last night, with it’s ripped-from-the-headlines plotline involving a high-level politician (Mr. Big becomes Mr. Small) who gets caught doing bad things in the boardroom and the bedroom, and is thrown in jail.  His steely-faced wife decides it’s time to go back to being a lawyer after a 13-year break which included (but was not limited to): cleaning her louse of a husband’s house, washing his clothes, and raising their 13-year old daughter.  Only guess what?  She has to start back out pretty much at the bottom of the chain as a junior associate, competing with Millenials 15 years her junior.

To add insult to injury, her boss is one of those annoying women who gets really, really threatened if someone smarter than them shows up.  You know the type…they like to mentor you and then shut you down with all their might when you start running the risk of rising higher than them.  I really enjoyed the show.  It’s part courtroom drama, part workplace drama, part cougar drama, and part Logan Huntzberger!

Not on that list? Fox’s Glee. I jumped on the Gleewagon a few months ago with everyone else, but it just got…stupid. I gave it the three-ep test (which I instituted after declaring Grey’s Anatomy to be really stupid right out of the gate) and it failed.

But, the bulk of this post is – and should be – about old favorites…back for another round.

Survivor

Holy shit…Russell has got to be the most obnoxious castawaytestant (yeah, that totally doesn’t work) since Jonny Fairplay. What a pain in the ass. Even Jeff Probst hates the guy and well, you have to be cut from a similar cloth to that of Fairplay to get the Probstmaster fired up. This egomaniacal, misogynistic, lying (not to mention inaccurate…dude, if you’re going to go for Katrina sympathy…at least get your facts right) POS made me want to crawl through the television and wring his neck with some of the long-haired dumb blonde girl’s locks. I suppose I could add “racist” to that long string of adjectives, considering the socks he burned belonged to the “preppy-looking African American gentleman” (Go Bulldogs!).

Other standouts: Improperly Mixed Metaphor Man (”This is the first quarter of a seven-game series”), Shambo (like Rambo, only…not!), and the Most Disappointing Female Castaway Ever…who chalked her correct assessment of Russell’s smarminess up to “women’s intuition” rather than “years of experience as a police officer”. How very Betty Draper. FAIL.

How I Met Your Mother

After watching Ted embarrass himself through a large chunk of his first class at Columbia, I’m hesitant to complete my application for that adjunct professorship at Collin College. Then again…I’m older and wiser than Ted, and fully understand that you have to just be you. Use your voice. Be authentic. Build it, and they will come.

Gossip Girl

Speaking of the Yale Bulldogs…no one from Constance or St. Jude is going to Yale. That was probably a little too WB for the CW. While I feel a little bad for Blair, having her socio-snarkonomic status quite literally inverted on the very first day in the dorms, I have to admit feeling a little satisfaction for Dan…especially when he removed Blair’s headband and tossed it down the stairs.

Like: Vanessa’s boho chic transformation, Chuck’s entrepreneurial spirit (now with more purple!), more East Village and less Upper East Side, and…Georgina!

Dislike: Dan’s horrific sideburns and beret-shaped hairline. Seriously, those alone tapped out my Dislike Tank.

Dancing With the Stars

The men were up last night, which is good…because I don’t think I could have handled watching both Tom Delay and Macy Gray dance on the same night. I also so, so, so hoped Donny Osmond would come out dressed as a rag doll…but I was denied. Denied!

The good:

• Aaron Carter…finally, someone who can actually compete for the spotlight with Karina. But dude, quit with the rolled-up pants. No straight man does that…not even Maksim.
• Donny Osmond. It kills me to say he was good. It also killed me when he reminded me that Marie came in third. As is usual with “entertainers”, he needs to scale back the Vegas-style showmanship until he masters the technical aspects of the dances…but he was…gulp…not entirely awful. Sigh.
• Louie Vito – I had no idea who this guy was before about 8:00 last night, but he was pretty good. Definite potential. At first I could have sworn he proposed to DeAnna Pappas a couple of Bachelor seasons ago, but apparently that was some other floppy-haired snowboarder.
• The Iron Chef Guy – He has the opposite problem of Donny…too much kung-fu, not enough ease of movement and flair. Points to me for correctly predicting that Len would use the phrase “razzmatazz” in his critique. Ask the husband…I really did predict that.

The bad:

• Tom Delay – The hip shaking, oh my. Shakira has nothing to worry about.
• Tom Delay – Cheryl Burke clearly hates him, which doesn’t bode well for their “chemistry” going forward.
• Tom Delay – Good thing the guy has a thick skin.

Side note: I never want to hear the phrase “salsa chain” again, mkay? Thx.

I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up a few things for dinners this week.  Market Street is known for its customer service, and its baggers often try to strike up conversation.  I’m not sure if MS hires generally friendly and chatty people, or if an attempt to bond with its customers is a specific marketing tactic (ding!).  Regardless, it usually gets some interesting exchanges started.

My bagger yesterday asked if we’d watched the Cowboys game the previous night because, honestly, that seems to be the only question anyone around here asks on a Monday.  I said we’d flipped back and forth between the game and the Emmys.  My bagger commented on what a great player Eli Manning had become, and we made smalltalk about Eli and Peyton, and how they were chips off the proverbial old block…great football family, yadda yadda yadda.

I also mentioned that what I liked about the Manning Boys was that they were so down to Earth.  By this time, the bagger had become my carry-outer, and we were at the Jeep.  He said – I kid you not – “Yeah, the white boys are always well-behaved.  It’s the black ones who get into trouble.”

*blink*

Did I mention my bagger/carry-outer was an older black gentleman?

A million things started racing through my mind.  Do I say, “True dat!” and attempt a fist-bump?  Do I grab the bags out of the cart, throw them in the back of the Jeep myself, then speed away…wheels screeching as I make my panicked, “SILENCE DOES NOT EQUAL AGREEMENT! I AM NOT A RACIST!” escape?

Of course not.  I stood there and listened.  He followed up, “The first thing they do is find themselves a white woman.  Then they get a Hummer, and then they get into all sorts of trouble”.

*blink*

So, I did what any good white woman would do…I said, “Nah, usually it’s an Escalade.”  The guy busted out laughing, and racial tensions were relieved in Collin County.

In related news, Lease Cutbacks Leave Cadillac Idling.

Backstory: During last year’s jaunt to Hawaii, some service snafus resulted in Seth’s sending of a rather pointed email to the Turtle Bay Resort’s general manager. We weren’t looking for anything in return, but we’re of the opinion that management wants to know when their product/service/hotel is falling short of expectations. We’re frequent visitors, after all…and don’t want to see the place totally fall into a state of disarray.  A couple of weeks later, we got a certificate in the mail for a free dinner (excluding alcohol, but including gratuity) on our next visit at 21 Degrees North. We’ve stayed at the TBR many, many times over the years – both as registered guests at the hotel and at the privately-owned villas. We’ve avoided 21 Degrees North because, frankly, the reviews on both TripAdvisor and Yelp were mixed. But hey, a free meal on our next visit is still a free meal, right?

A couple of months ago as we were gearing up for this year’s trip, we started looking for the gift certificate. With all the furniture switch-outs last Fall and the total makeover of the office, it seemed to have developed legs and walked away. Couldn’t find it. Seth and I aren’t exactly candidates for Hoarders, so I knew it had to be around somewhere. After a solid couple days of looking everywhere, I finally found the certificate…bookmarking my place in one of my old textbooks.

In retrospect, we’re sort of wishing we hadn’t found it.

So far on this trip, my tummy has been very happy. VERY. We’ve enjoyed Round Table Pizza, ahi poke, miso soup for breakfast (!), delicious ramen from a local Waikiki hole-in-the-wall, and the night before last Seth grilled up some fantabulous locally-caught ono (or wahoo, depending on your inclination). Happy tummy = happy Stacy.

Last night we decided to take advantage of our free dinner at 21 Degrees North. We went in with incredibly low expectations, which made the actual meal even more of a disaster. You’d think with low expectations the bar for disappointment would be at an appropriate level, but no. The restaurant itself is actually really nice…a beautiful space. But, the food was terrible. Awful.

We ordered a couple of glasses of wine (bottles were exhorbitantly priced…even more so now when put in context with the quality of the food) and asked our server if there were any restrictions on our gift certificate. In a nutshell…no. The only thing excluded was alcohol, which meant we could order the lobster, the $50 Wagyu strip steak…and our server pushed all the pricey items with a bright smile. Why not? His gratuity was guaranteed. We joked that were were going to order their most expensive item stuffed with their second most expensive item. In the end, we decided not to gorge ourselves.

I started with the tomato soup, which was billed as 100% vegetarian  and made with locally-grown tomatoes.  I’d read in an online review where someone compared the soup as akin to Campbells, but I didn’t think it was that bad.  The problem?  No flavor.  It was pretty enough…bright red soup with some pesto (I think? It was flavorless, too) drizzled over the top and puff pastry “croutons”.  The first thing I thought of was all of those episodes of Top Chef where Tom Colicchio asks the chefs if any of them bothered to taste the food before sending it out.  Seth was also underwhelmed by his Kahuku shrimp, avocado, and hearts of palm salad.  The shrimp were great, but the hearts of palm slices were huge and completely flavorless.  The cilantro (we think it was cilantro) vinaigrette was nice, but nothing impressive.  As I write this, I’m now thinking maybe that’s what was drizzled on top of my soup.  Next!

If you want to take a look at the menu, I had the filet mignon with some Kahuku shrimp as an add-on and Seth had what was advertised as the Wagyu strip steak as our entrees.  Again, based on reviews I’d read…I assumed my filet would come out overcooked.  I ordered it medium rare and it came out medium well.  Awesome.  I sent it back, and it came back perfectly cooked the second time, but completely unseasoned.  Does the Turtle Bay Resort not have any salt or pepper?  We have some here in our villa if they’d like it.  The steak was presented on about 1/8 of a cup of “truffle mashed potatoes” which did not taste of truffle and was more pureed than mashed.  Plus, the temperature varied from one side of the plate to the other…hot on one end, lukewarm on the other.  To the side was this weird Veg-All combo of diced carrots (Diced!  Who does that?), diced asparagus (apparently, you can dice asparagus) and some uninteresting mushrooms.  On an upnote, the shrimp were very good…cooked perfectly, but paired with yet another flavorless beurre blanc-ish sauce.  It was the blandest, most tasteless meal I’ve ever had.  Worked my way through about 1/3 of the outrageously-sized filet…it had to have been at least 12 ounces…then gave up.  Just because it was free, that didn’t mean I had to torture myself.

Seth’s “Wagyu” (we swear there’s no way it was actual Wagyu) strip steak was a monstrous 16-ounce behemoth of meat, cooked to the requested medium-rare, but nearly impossible to cut.  We couldn’t tell if it was how it was cooked, or if he just had a lousy steak knife.  The Yukon gold potatoes looked more like fingerlings, and the Ali’i mushrooms were so big they were awkward.  Again, nothing was seasoned.  Nothing.  We drank our wine and tried to remember when we’d had a worse meal…and we couldn’t think of one.  That should say a lot.

We did power through to dessert because really, how can you screw up dessert?  The lychee and pineapple sorbets took a good ten minutes to come out, so we figured someone had to drive to Foodland to buy them.  Then we  realized what really happened is it likely took them ten minutes to scrape them out of the freezer container.  The lychee sorbet was distressingly sweet, with gigantic chunks of ice.  I had visions of Gordon Ramsay shoving the sorbet bucket up to the pastry chef barking, “HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN IN THE FREEZER?” to which the pastry chef would reply, “Just four days, Chef!”  The accompanying Wailua coffee (local! best on the island!) was presented French press-style, but understeeped and super-weak.  Even after letting it set a bit it was still weak, and eventually only lukewarm.

I suppose 21 Degrees North is trying to make up for lack of flavor, quality, and interest by just giving you a gigantic piece of protein.  We thought about bagging up the leftovers and bringing them back to hand off to the local beach kitties, but we didn’t want to subject even a humble cat to the despair of our experience.  I felt really bad for the tables around us who actually had to pay for their terrible meals.  The couple to our left was celebrating their wedding anniversary, but the guy was wearing plaid shorts with his aloha shirt (classy!) and they had their kids with them…so their expectations might have been on par with ours.

Short story long, the food at 21 Degrees North was uninteresting, unseasoned, underwhelming, uninspired…it was just un.  If you are ever on the North Shore of Oahu, take your money and go to Taco Bell in Lai’e instead.

MerDer has been replaced with…Zonner. Yeah, we’ll go with that. Zoe is the doe-eyed new astronaut and Donner is her instructor. They meet cute in astronaut school and hook up after a drunken night at…sigh…Major Tom’s. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Flash-forward to now and they clearly still carry torches for one another…and I assume we’ll find out what happened to the mysterious baby, who was conceived because Donner was told he’d been given a vasectomy…but apparently he wasn’t really given one. Yeah. How’d you like to find that out, guys? You went through the pain and had the bag of frozen veggies on your veggie for a couple of days…all for naught. Bummer.

The great thing about Donner is he unloads voice-overs the likes of which both Meredith Grey and Mary Alice Young would be proud. Last night’s episode theme was “doors”…let me paraphrase an excerpt of Donner’s wisdom:

Doors. They’re these things you walk through, that have hinges and locks and knobs. Sometimes they’re white, sometimes they’re other colors. They always open though, and always shut. It’s up to the opener or shutter to determine how the door will behave. Doors, like life, have an finite lifespan. Sometimes you need to replace them because they’re worn out, other times because you just don’t like the style anymore. Doors…when one opens, one opens.

Maybe I’m lacking in things to watch on Sunday nights…God knows I don’t have enough programming to keep me occupied. With Bridezillas, Army Wives, Entourage, and Iron Chef America on right now and Mad Men starting up next week…clearly I need more network entertainment to balance out the basic and premium cable offerings.

BUT…I draw the line at hokey lovemaking scenes like the one last week between Rollie and Jen. I get that he’s leaving and she’s stuck behind (presumably to die), but it was the floaty-naked-bodies-intertwined-in-the-airlock schlock that sort of did me in. Fortunately, there was only one scene like that. In an environment like the one on Antares, I don’t want cuddly wuddly sex…oh no, I want sex that uses every space metaphor known to man and alien. I want Antares hookups to be cosmic! White-hot! Other-worldly! I want Donner to set his phaser to stun!

We have some other characters, too…like the mission commander, Ted. BTW…I totally expected names in 2052 to be names like Zoltar, Kahn, or Mildred. Ted was apparently duped by his wife into getting involved in these shenanigans. We also have the tech nerd, the psychiatrist, Puck from Real World: San Francisco, the Professor, Mary Ann, Don Draper, Vinnie Chase, Heidi Klum, the gang from Pigs in Space, and Astronaut Jones. I’m not kidding, it’s crazy up in that space ship. It’s so crazy they all have to wear this thing called a HALO device (”Hormone And Libido Oppressors”) to, um, oppress their hormones and libidos. Yeah.

Is Defying Gravity going to save ABC? Probably not. Will it help President Obama get his health care bill passed? Unlikely. Because I like the show, that probably means it will be cancelled before Thanksgiving. But…it’s entertaining and it’s Canadian…which might be enough to carry it through an entire season.

Besides, I’m dying to know how Zoe’s tomatoes turn out…aren’t you?

So. Whatcha all doing? I just finished watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and am enjoying some banana bread. Just ordered a poodledrug refill…and trying to decide if I want to go to the gym when Seth gets home, or beforehand.

Twitter was back up for about ten seconds…and when I tried to log in I was told my username and/or password was incorrect. Fabulous.