Sniffing The Touchline

Final justice

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Thu, 28 May 2009 11:31:00 +0000

The Champions League final was over before it began. Going into the game Manchester United were, for better or for worse, red-hot favourites, with critics pointing to the semi-final dismantling of an Arsenal team who, like Barce, know only one way to play. To make matters worse for the Catalans, they were missing three out of their four first-choice defenders and as such, were forced into incorporating midfielder Yaya Toure and the aging Carlos Puyol in unfamiliar defensive roles. Targeting this perceived weakness, Ferguson deployed a hardworking and determined midfield four of Giggs, Carrick, Anderson, and Park Ji-Sung to close down the deadly Barce midfield, and then pick a pass to get Rooney and Ronaldo running at the make-shift backline. It was a grave mistake.

The first ten minutes were an unfortunate microcosm of Ronaldo’s out of control ego. Following a confidence-inspiring freekick on target, his quick and predictably direct, runs followed by a fleeting long-range shots, simply frustrated the United players around him. Following this early pressure, United allowed Barce to start playing that dangerous brand of football they’ve showcased all season, exemplified by perhaps the most impressive goal-scoring ratio of the modern era. The creativity that fostered such an unprecedented dominance in the Spanish domestic league slowly started to dominate the English Champions.

Ultimately, the first half was epitomised by a Barcelona side enjoying their predisposition to possession, a characteristic United seemed to indulge by not getting tight to their men or attacking the loose ball with the conviction expected. The Manchester midfield was slow, both mentally and physically, when Barce were in possession or chasing the ball. Ronaldo continued to run head-down and aimlessly for ten minutes before Barce opened the scoring, a mistake from which no lessons were learned. The precise, metronomic passing of the Barce midfield disoriented United, before Eto’o floored Vidic with a simple dummy and toe-poked an early shot past Van der Sar. From then on Barce were quite simply on another plain, strolling every inch of the Stadio Olimpico with the pomp expected from a team of this composite talent. Every Barce pass was quick and sharp, every United pass was under-hit and panicked. In short, Barce were everything United were not: driven, calm, accurate and, more importantly, onside. The first half was played out with increasingly predictable regularity as Barce mesmeric superstars flexed their muscles, buoyed on by the biggest stage imaginable.

While in many ways United limped over the line to a third consecutive Premier League title, Barce romped to La Liga glory with a 6 – 2 demolition of rivals Real Madrid. The second half of the Final simply consolidated and realised this difference in group ability and determination. United continued frustrating each other with misplaced passes and unexpected errors, while Barcelona were relaxed in possession, commanding the respect often forgotten by pampered Premier League footballers, used to an easy win. Tevez was brought on for the ineffective and blundersome Anderson before Berbatov replaced Giggs to give United a 4-2-4 formation. Yet, with Ronaldo neutralised by the excellent Puyol, in new territory at right back, and Rooney increasingly hugging the touchline, United failed to produce any inspiration. By definition inspiration cannot be produced, simply witnessed, and United’s second half was another example of failed attempts, off-side runs and vacant defending. From an innocuous string of passes down the right side Xavi whipped in an inch-perfect cross that Messi was able to meet with what can only be described as grace. It was one of those moments where time seemed to stand still, and from the moment the ball left Xavi’s foot, the die was cast. The remainder of the match was simply a formality.

While the result might not have surprised too many people, the manner of Barce’s victory certainly might have done. Barcelona’s domination of the Spanish League was dismissed by the arrogance of the English, because after all, we’re told week-after-week that La Liga and Serie A are nothing compared to the full-blooded, break-neck Premier League. Pre-match, the Spanish were as self-assured as the English, yet ultimately the truth shone through. Barcelona made Manchester United look like a pub team. Outshone in every position on the park, United deferred to hard tackles and long balls within twenty minutes, and it was this lack of imagination and submission to superior ability that destroyed United in the end.

It seems a little self-defeating to highlight particular players for praise, but even amongst the other stars on display, three men in blue and red stood out. They are Xavi Hernandez, Andres Iniesta and of course Lionel Messi. Ferguson spoke before the game of Xavi and Iniesta’s ability to put opponents on a “carousel” with their passing, and if anything, they actually superseded the Scotsman’s hyperbole. The ‘pass, move, offer’ school of football was on display for all to see last night, and any doubts that the two Spaniards are currently the world’s two best midfielders evaporated before half-time. And little Lio Messi? Unplayable from start to finish, bouncing off tackles, running at defenders, and constantly on the lookout for that moment of innovation to unlock the Premier League’s meanest defense.

Put short, the self-congratulatory and onanistic undertones of English football were ultimately undone this year, and every minor or major battle was won by the Spanish champions. The evening was billed as Manchester United vs Barcelona, Ronaldo vs Messi, Ferguson vs Guardiola. The representatives of the English League were undermined in every respect by their own arrogance, laziness and lack of imagination. A club owned by a supporters collective and sponsored by UNICEF destroyed the ultimate symbol of global footballing business. It was the final the world had been waiting for.

Last year, a moment of individual brilliance from Paul Scholes put United above Barca in a second. A year on, 93 minutes of footballing perfection undid everything. The gulf, if you’re a United fan, was terrifying.

Beat the Spread

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:39:00 +0000

Betting on football is great. You know the drill…wake up late on a Saturday morning, stroll down for a cheeky fry-up then spend the next twenty minutes pouring over the Billy Hill Long List picking your accumulator…it’s bliss. Anyway, four Football League players have found themselves in hot water this week after allegedly betting against their own team, Accrington Stanley, to lose to Bury at the end of last season. It’s taken the FA ten months to assemble a crack-team of monkeys capable of blowing this case wide-open, and having spectacularly failed to do that, they’ve just bugged a couple of lamps and sent a patsy in ‘undercover.’ Regardless of how they assembled their evidence, word on the street is that this is the first time the FA has actually acted against players involved in betting on their own team to lose. Pretty low, eh lads? Four of those charged – Jay Harris, David Mannix, Robert Williams and Peter Cavanagh – were registered with Accrington Stanley at the time of the game (Harris and Cavanagh both actually played), while Andrew Mangan was registered with Bury.

All five are reported to have placed bets on Bury to win the match, which they did with a 2 – 0 victory. Mannix is alleged to have placed stakes of approximately £4,000; Mangan £3,500; Harris £2,000; Williams £1,000; and Cavanagh a big-spending £5 accumulator. Several high street bookies, including Billy Hill and Coral, stopped taking bets on the match after noting suspicious betting patterns involving rather “larger-than-normal” bets in specific parts of the country, including Liverpool. Reports at the time said £300,000 had been wagered compared to the typical average of £20,000 for a game of this somewhat dubious ‘stature.’ In order to place them above suspicion, the FA changed the officials and also sent an independent assessor to monitor the match.

Interestingly Harris, now registered with Chester City, has also been charged in relation to betting on a game involving his new club and another two League Two fixtures. Quite a tasty lad then, must have an expensive hobby or two if he’s so keen on making easy money. The heart says niche prostitute addiction, but my head says he’s got a problem with the drugs. Cavanagh has also been charged with further breaches in relation to betting on another Accrington Stanley match in which he played, and on a number of other League Two matches. Sounds like a real class act too.

The club issued this helpful statement yesterday: “Accrington Stanley are aware that two of our players have been charged by the Football Association in connection with betting on football matches. They have until later this month to respond to the charges, and we will wait until the Football Association reach a final verdict before any action is taken by the club.” Thanks for that guys, informative as ever.

No Hair on the Wicket

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:35:00 +0000

One of the best things about the internet is being able to make long-lasting friendships with people on the other side of the world. One of the worst things however is that these ‘friendships’ can often morph into sordid sexual role-plays, where young girls are manipulated into taking their shirts off by drunk, fat football fans. So just like a town centre Yates’ Wine Lodge on a Saturday night then. This week however, one particularly bad 41-year-old pervert has been jailed for posing as a teenager and luring young girls into stripping for him live over webcam. Paul Quinn, posing as 18-year-old Paul Wilson, somehow managed to convince one 15-year-old to take all her clothes off for him while he presumably sat in his own filth, cheeseburger in one hand, edging himself with the other.

You might justifiably ask if in its absence, has STT suddenly changed from a football blog to an amateur Crimewatch blog? No, is the unequivocal answer, because you see Mr Quinn was eventually caught by the polis after one girl identified him via a distinctive Celtic tattoo he reportedly always boasted about. Fiscal deputy Ward said: “On a number of occasions he asked her to remove her clothing. He did not show her who he was and having been repeatedly asked to do so, although she was very uncomfortable she did on one occasion do it (strip).”

Upon raiding his Midlothian home the filth found a huge haul of child pornography (more than 500 images of girls aged as young as six) on his computers, as well as a huge cache of hot video clips saved from the jailbaits’ webcams. Some of the files recovered were apparently rated at the highest level on the scale police use to measure depravity. Now I don’t know much about this but it sounds pretty fun, I’d hate to know where I might sit on this scale.

Quinn’s defence in court yesterday? He is simply “addicted” to the behaviour and needs help. Yeah fair enough mate.

Marry Mii! Or don’t.

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:23:00 +0000

Those regular readers will undoubtedly be familiar with the ever escalating love saga between ex-Liverpool nearly-man Jermaine Pennant and slutty topless model Amii Grove (the extra ‘i’ is for ‘interracial’). 2008 saw it peak and trough like a Shakespearean emotional rollercoaster, with Amii starting the year by kicking the “love rat” to the curb after the not-exactly-intelligent Pennant decided to cheat on her while being filmed by their house’s CCTV cameras. He spent the following ten or so months routing through her bins and just generally following her around until finally late in year he cornered her and proposed.

Now what many people don’t realise is that Page 3 girls are susceptible to that trick from Austin Powers, only if you ask them the same question three times they have to say ‘yes’, not tell the truth. How else do you think they end up being such ho-bags? Anyway, the rest as they say is history. Or is it???

Well no, because as quickly as this heavenly coupling solidified their love and commitment in a £38,000 diamond, it’s all over again. Amii has run away to presumably become a bottomless model, and Pennant has done the sensible male thing and just got back together with his ex-girlfriend, someone apparently famous called Jennifer Metcalfe. But when you’ve been adorned with a ring worth the best part of £40,000 what do you do if it all goes tits up? Embrace the modern age of course and sell it on eBay!

The 2.05 carat ring, which has received 13 bids up to a price of £20,502 at the time of writing, appears to have been posted by Amii herself. Not exactly the most eloquent prose, but she’s got great cans so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt: “This is the engagement ring of Amii Grove, the ex fiance of a well known Premiership Football star. It is a beautiful ring, and was brought last November, and was worn for only a month and a half as the couple split on new year’s eve 2009. It is a real eye catching ring, with a large diamond in the centre of the ring, on the actual band it has small diamonds going all the 3 quarters of the way around the ring on the top bottom and middle. It is a beautiful ring. The Ring was valued at £38,000. A donation will be made to Brake charity which is the chsrity Amii Grove supports since losing her brother last july 2008 to a quad crash.”

You might justifiably ask why not just give the ring back to Jermaine? Well, word on the street is that he actually refused to accept it after using her Mercedes as part exchange for a new Ferrari. What a class act. Let’s be honest though, when you genuinely propose to your girlfriend in a graveyard, how else do you expect it to end?

B.N.B.G.

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:25:00 +0000

This week the highs and lows of a Premiership footballer’s pampered life takes us to the quaint Conservative Party haven of Knutsford in Cheshire. Having previously hosted scenes for Spielberg's Empire of the Sun and George C. Scott's Patton, shoppers were witness to a different kind of scene altogether recently as squad cars full of police rushed to apprehend two men “of African descent,” suspected of “casing” a jewelry shop. Ageing and overweight CCTV operators, already alarmed at seeing two black men walking up their North Country High Street, became even more suspicious when they spotted the two men looking in the window of a local jewelry shop. Grabbing batons, handcuffs and knuckledusters, Cheshire county police raced gleefully to the scene of the reported crime only to find none other than Everton's club-footed failure Victor Anichebe, accompanied by a loyal homie.

Hilariously dubbed a “Premiership ace” by The Sun, Anichebe is currently injured and out for the season, spending most days counting his cash, masturbating and playing Pro Evo. Not simultaneously though. That would take about five hands. This particular day however, he had taken a day off from home life to hobble around town looking for some new earrings, before being swiftly accosted and subjected to rigorous interrogation by Knutsford's finest. Protesting "I'm a footballer - I play for Everton. Why would I want to rob a shop?" disbelieving officers confiscated his crutches and handcuffed his friend during the ensuing “heated dialogue.” With hopes of taking the pair into custody away from the prying eyes of the public for some good old-fashioned brown bashing, disappointed officers were forced to let them go after a crowd gathered and long held dreams of reinterpreted scenes from office-favourite American History X were saved for another day.

Obviously never told that being black in a middle England village is equivalent to wearing a sign saying ‘I will rob your shops, burn your homes and rape your daughters,’ Anichebe continues to remonstrate, demanding a full and unconditional apology from the Cheshire police force in response to the incident. Strangely this appears to still be pending. Conflicting and unconfirmed reports have it that the officers involved were either disgruntled Everton fans furious that Anichebe's six Premier League goals in four years had cost the club roughly £520,000 a piece, or simply members of the local BNP out to show a couple of immigrants the strength of standard issue riot boots.

Seriously though, recent claims that racism within the police force is a thing of the past are, frankly, galling in the light if this and other recent events. Further digging here at STT has discovered that the overwhelmingly middle-aged and middle-class demographic of Knutsford favour reading everyone’s favourite hate-rag, The Daily Facist, coincidently the only major news publication not to publish this story. Go figure.

Safety First Kids

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:29:00 +0000

Often when approaching real life sex with a girl you have to make a difficult choice between club loyalty and using a recognised method of contraception; you either wrap your scarf around your piece in the ultimate show of allegiance, or you bottle it and use an actual condom. Burnley football fans rejoice however because apparently this troubled times are now well and truly behind you!

As part of a drive to encourage a responsible attitude to sex in Lancashire (I think that’s where Burnley is), the club will be giving away free branded condoms at the ground. Presumably this involves the club colours, but rumours have been bouncing around the STT office that the prophylactics will actually each feature one of the players’ or backroom staff’s faces, with kids encouraged to collect the whole team in the style of a Panani sticker album.

The club’s social liaison officer had these sensible words: “Due to the reported rise in STIs, there needs to be a radical and creative approach to ‘normalising’ condomas use and we hope that as well as seeing the fun side, supporters will recognise the serious message behind using Burnley FC-branded condoms.”

Bizarrely though, there two conditions for receiving the freebies; fans must be under 25 and they must complete a chlamydia screening. How incredibly pointless! No-one under 25 cares enough to use condoms, and if you already have chlamydia, then again, why would you bother bagging up!

Thanks to The Spoiler for a guiding hand on this one.

Samba

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 11:00:00 +0000

While it might’ve escaped some peoples’ attention, this week it is Carnival in Brazil. For the uninitiated, this is an excuse for all day binge drinking and ridiculously hot girls to not wear tops. Concurrent to all of this are huge parades and probably some political nonsense that no-one else really understands.

Anyway, already it’s proving difficult to write anything about what is essentially just a photo I wanted to bring to everyone’s collective attention. Part of the major parade yesterday in downtown Rio, alongside other equally weird floats, was the above representation of a certain Cristiano Ronaldo. Now even putting aside the obvious Spitting Image-esque distortion of his remarkably handsome features, this is plain bizarre in every possible way. Note how he appears to be straddling some kind of golden dungeon for one, but even more distressing is the phantom left testicle flapping out from under his shorts for the whole world to see. Whoever is responsible for this needs some serious mental help.

Bad Twin

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:26:00 +0000

Travel back in time almost 16 years exactly and jump across the pond to Caeser’s Palace in Las Vegas and you will find yourself at Wrestlemania IX, one of the greatest events in the history of sports entertainment. Why is this relevant you might justifiably ask? Well it’s relevant folks because Sir Alex Ferguson thinks it’s relevant as he has clearly been watching the video over the last few days for ideas.

You see, in this historic wrestling extravaganza evil clown Doink was able to pull a fast one on oversized opponent Kona Krush by producing an identical twin from underneath the ring to knock seven bells out of Krush while he was incapacitated. Ferguson isn’t even oblique about his evil plans: “We have two great Brazilian defenders in Fabio and Rafael and it’s impossible to distinguish who is who. My dream would be to start one and replace him with the other without anyone noticing. They are extraordinary.”

Having already tried this scheme with the purchase of Nani, to swap Ronaldo on and off at will, Ferguson seems now to be confident that he has two players who are actually good so it’s full steam ahead. Of course by joking about this with the press he probably couldn’t get away with it in a proper game, but hell, it’d sure make a great pitch for a high concept sitcom.

Do You Want Chips With That, Love?

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:19:00 +0000

Manchester United are so relaxed these days that, rather than actually make their players train during the week, they allow them to just get stoned and appear in the occasional programme for MUTV. While previously this was an egotistical mish-mash of reserve games and masturbatorary player profiles, MUTV has now evolved into a fully-functional media node, producing its own entertainment shows with a view to have a film development department up and running by the end of the year.

Those of you lucky enough to have both a subscription and a free Sunday night were this week treated to the premiere of Red Devil’s Kitchen, in which United resident chef Romain Camos helps footballers prepare a fancy meal. “Traveling all over the world with United, I wanted fans to go behind the scenes and see what I see – a different side to the player and the manager,” enthused Camos. “RDK is a very relaxed programme. I make sure we have some good football banter while we’re preparing the food. And as you might expect when you’re cooking with professional footballers, all the recipes are healthy!”

So in last night’s episode then, first guest was Frenchman Patrice Evra, who was given the opportunity to make his first ever meal for himself. Advisedly not starting with something easy like cheese on toast, Evra plumped for lobster ravioli: “It wasn’t easy but I am very happy. I made the dish with all my heart. It was very funny and a good experience.”

Other Manchester United personalities scheduled to appear on the show include Denis Irwin, Bryan Robson and Sir Alex Ferguson. In anyone needs me I’ll be right here, on the edge of my seat…

Sit Down. Shut Up.

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:14:00 +0000

The football world is going increasingly mad. When you go to a game these days you can’t stand up, you can’t drink, you can’t smoke, and now apparently at Middlesbrough, you can’t actually make any noise. At Saturday’s bore draw with Wigan, supporters of the free-falling team were handed out letters telling them to only cheer when the team scores. Seriously. Consider then that Boro have failed to net in more than eight hours at the Riverside, which would obviously render the stadium all the atmosphere of a morgue, or worse still, The Emirates.

The circulated note (uncovered by our good friends over at The Spoiler - click above to enlarge), was sent from safety officer Sue Watson, also asked fans not to stand up too much during games: “I am receiving more and more complaints from our own fans about both the persistent standing and the constant banging and noise coming from the back of this stand. Please stop. Make as much noise as you like when we score, but this constant noise is driving some fans mad.” Stunned supporters couldn’t believe it when the letter was dished out at the Riverside Stadium before Saturday’s 0-0 draw with Wigan. The written request was given out by stewards to fans in the stadium’s South East corner, where many specifically moved last season to create a singing area.

Furious fans have since set up a Facebook group calling for Watson to quit, with one fan intoning: “The letter’s an utter disgrace. The anger and resentment it’s caused shows what a PR disaster it is.” Another supporter told journalistic juggernaut the North East Gazette: “Are they going to give us prompt cards to tell us when we can sing and when we can’t? You would think that given our current league position, the club would be wanting us to help rally the team and get behind them. This is a working class sport and it’s a passionate sport. When we were at Ayresome Park, if you weren’t at the game you used to be able to hear the crowd from the town centre. We need to bring back the Riverside Roar!”

Despite this, last night Boro’s chief operating officer Neil Bausor maintained that the club did still “encourage passionate and noisy support,” adding: “we understand the strength of feeling on this issue and we accept the letter could easily have been misunderstood. We apologise to any supporters who have therefore been understandably annoyed.”

This anti-atmosphere campaign comes just months after the Premier League’s most famous fan, Mr Portsmouth FC, was told to stop singing so much and ringing his bell at Fratton Park because it was disrupting other fans’ enjoyment of the game. Whatever next? A coffee ban in Starbucks? A nudity ban in Browns??!!

Chantelle Makes Radical Breakthrough To Cure Broken Bones

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:04:00 +0000

There’s something just so right about Jermain Defoe and Chantelle Houghton. He is a shameless reprobate willing to put his dick in literally anything, and she…well, she got her start in modeling after her mother took some topless pictures of her in a local park. Stars clearly aligned somewhere because this is truly a match made in a sordid North London motel car park. Having shrugged off accusations of a life of lonely prostitution with fellow Big Brother reject Chanelle Hayes, Chantelle seems to be forging quite a career for herself, and maybe (just maybe) she will one day be referred to without the “ex-Celebrity Big Brother contestant” epithet.

Anyway, it might’ve escaped your attention that our Jermain is currently out injured, having tragically fractured a toe trying to perfect the reverse wheelbarrow position. Rather than waste time seeing specialists or attempting physiotherapy, he’s done the sensible thing and gone to sit on a beach in Dubai with his balloon-chested brain donor of a girlfriend. It is kind of a celebration for her though so we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; I know that when my girlfriend upped her cans from 32B to 32DD I definitely wanted to whisk her away for horseplay on a beach in the Middle East too.

One onlooker, who is reportedly unable to stop touching himself at the moment, dribbled: “Chantelle looked absolutely stunning in a bikini and Jermain certainly noticed. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her as she wandered around. And when she came back to the sunbeds he couldn’t keep his hands off her.” Thanks for that, really great contribution. Anyway, as you can see from the pics, Chantelle certainly had no idea the cameras snapping as she frolicked in the sea, under the public shower and next to Jermain on a sunbed.

In other thrilling news, Chantelle recently admitted that Jermain is “the one,” which apparently sent him into the stratosphere because you just know that when girls like that say things like that, it means one thing. Anal.

I’ll Cut You First Blud

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:20:00 +0000

You don’t need me to tell you El-Hadji Diouf is nasty piece of work, and the cynical amongst you will probably suggest that his quick-fire move from Sunderland to Blackburn last week might’ve been predicated on some kind of falling out with the Maccams’ staff. And you would be right too! This is just a harmless bit of spitting or drink-driving though; this time Diouf really excelled himself by having a fight with Anton Ferdinand and threatening to actually stab him. What a lovely guy!

The bust-up took place at a post-match meal following Sunderland’s 1 - 0 midweek win against Fulham. A secretive ‘senior’ player told The Sun: “It was worse than anything I have ever seen and when they were pulled apart El-Hadji shouted that he would stick Anton with a knife.” Never one to let sleeping dogs lie, Diouf ensured that the bust-up continued the next day in training, leaving boss Ricky Sbragia no choice but to sell the Senegal striker to Blackburn the next day.

Another mysteriously unnamed source said the pair accused each other of a lack of effort on the field, and then the tear-up continued after the game in the dressing room: “It started during the game but El-Hadji clearly felt it wasn’t finished. It all kicked off. But the fight escalated extremely quickly and became very violent. At first we thought it was best to let them get it out of their system. But it became so vicious we feared that Anton could end up with serious injuries and El-Hadji was pulled off him. The squad was left stunned by what we had witnessed. Nobody spoke. None of us were surprised when we heard El-Hadji had been sold to Blackburn.”

In an ironic twist, Anton’s better-looking brother Rio is a well-known campaigner against knife crime, launching a truly successful anti-weapons initiative in London last year called ‘Respect your life, not a knife.’ Catchy, eh?

Remove Dignity Before Entering

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:17:00 +0000

Sometimes the focus on football-related stories on STT gets a bit lost, but please excuse the somewhat tenuous connection here and instead just wallow in a truly amusing story of low self-esteem and pathetic prostitution. You might recognise ex-Big Brother tart Chanelle Hayes from her several previous appearances over the last year or so, mainly through her MENSA-worrying friendship with fellow reality TV ho-bag Chantelle Houghton, but their shameless desire for fame apparently knows no boundaries.

You know things are bad when someone like Chantelle can still feature in The Sun’s Bizarre column on a regular basis ahead of you, but how truly bad must they be when you are prepared to just have sex with whoever is most famous fleeting-celebrity-of-the-week to make sure people remember your name. Chanelle then hit a new low last night by bedding Celebrity Big Brother ‘star’ Verne Troyer; yes that’s right, the guy who was Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. I’d ask what the hell she was thinking but I think that’s a somewhat self-defeating question.

The pair apparently spent all night flirting and smooching in a night club, before leaving together in the early hours for a good old-fashioned “sex and booze rampage.” Chanelle’s clearly intelligent gal pal quipped: “She (Chanelle) now knows size doesn’t matter. Verne may be a little fella but he knows how to have big fun!” I really despair sometimes. Chanelle herself helpfully added: “Verne is a real ladies' man and certainly knows what to say to the ladies. He may be small but to be honest he has really cut my other boyfriends down to size.” Ok, enough with the shit size-related puns, this is just getting embarrassing.

2’8” Troyer was enjoying a pretty standard night of his bodyweight in vodka (genuinely not that hard) but when Chanelle arrived a source tells us “he ditched the vodka and made sure he was introduced to her.” Wide-eyed and aggressively horny, “he was like a Jack Russell on heat,” whatever the hell that means. The pint-sized actor only had this to offer today: “I have plenty of inches where it matters.” Thanks for that.

Cover Up. Please.

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:14:00 +0000

In case you haven’t realised by now, the Rooney family are a pretty classy bunch. Current STT favourite is cousin Natalie who soared into the public consciousness with a not-at-all-inappropriate bit of flashing at Coleen’s glamorous 21st birthday bash last year.

Never one to have more than three original thoughts a year, Natalie decided that last night it was about time she bought herself a bit more tabloid coverage by doing exactly the same thing again. Only this time she wasn’t alone. She dragged along her reprobate cross-dressing brother Stephen to the closing night of Trannyshack at the Soho Revue Bar and got him involved as well.

Failing to realise that literally no-one in the world wants to see that, Natalie was genuinely surprised to hear one onlooker comment: “This is possibly the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.” Harsh but fair.

Italian TV is Great

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 17:20:00 +0000

So it’s a pretty tough gig being England manager. Sure expectations are high but ultimately everyone knows we’re going to fail, so in reality there isn’t really that much pressure. Oh, you also get more than 300 days off a year, and those 60-odd ‘working’ days involve basically just watching football at glamorous locations around the world.

You can understand then that sometimes current boss Fabio Capello needs to take some time off to relax. He is currently in Milan chilling out, but managed to squeeze in an appearance on local show Chiambretti Night (think Politics Today with less talking and more incongruous soft-porn) to presumably chat about the fractured European economy and the media embargo of Gaza.

Out of the blue though, the good producer-types decided to throw him what appears to be an impromptu stag do by bringing out a stripper to serenade him as he desperately tries to bend natural law and climb through the back of his chair. I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look this uncomfortable while facing a perfectly formed gyrating rump.

Not Exactly One to Bite His Tongue

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:28:00 +0000

Over the last fortnight we have seen an almost unprecedented media circus surrounding Manchester City and AC Milan’s Ricky Kaka. What has been strange though is the unusual silence emanating from Citeh’s most famous supporter, Noel Gallagher throughout the course of the whole debacle. Never fear though because his two-pence worth are, as ever, more than worth the wait.

“Looks like the Sheiks are starting to put their money where their mouths are," Gallagher wrote on his personal blog. “It looks like Robinho was just the start. Huge amounts of money are being talked about. Obscene, some have said.” By ‘some’ he is referring to Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger, who were fairly vocally opposed to supposedly £100million-plus transfer from its inception.

“

Ferguson's face was a picture in his press conference yesterday though. That in itself was worth £100m. He looked shell-shocked,” Gallagher continued. “Bring it on, I say. Fuck morals. Fuck Arsene Wenger and his socialist football nonsense. Fuck all that bollocks about the club losing its identity. What identity? The fact that we've been skint for 30 years?”

So there we have it then, a pretty measured and objective view as ever from Mr Gallagher.

I’m No a Fackin Bufty!

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:16:00 +0000

Since it’s a new year, it’s a new opportunity for all the bleeding hearts around the country to complain that football fans are too ‘aggressive’ or ‘racist’ or ‘homophobic.’ It’s pretty irritating because, let’s face it, if I can’t accuse a grown man I’ve never met of taking it up the arse for cash in the safety of a football stadium, where else am I gonna do it? Regardless, it’s the FA’s hot topic at the moment, and 2009 signals the start of a full-on offensive against homophobic behaviour, in an attempt to kick this unsavoury attitude out of football in much the same successful way as racism. When the FA get a bee in their bonnet, things really change, just ask Sol Campbell.

Anyway, while Britain attempts to jump into the 21st century, Italy is still delightfully stone-age about such matters, with national coach Marcello Lippi claiming that no gay footballers have ever, or will ever, exist. He’s so deliciously old school: “I don’t think there are any gay players, or at least in 40 years of my career I have never met any. It could well be that there are a few with these tendencies, but they don’t go around telling people about it. Considering the way football players are, it really would be a complicated condition to deal with in the locker room. If someone came to me and confessed they were gay, I would advise them to not let any of that affect them, just concentrate on their profession and feel free to do what they want in their private lives.”

I’m sure after these comments, any confused players will be certainly heading straight to Mr. Lippi for advice, confident that he’s a worldly modern guy.

In a hilarious coincidence, these comments came on the same day as a ‘world-class’ rent boy claiming to have several Serie A footballers in his pink roladex. What exactly it is that makes him ‘world-class’ is a question for a far more intrepid reporter than I, but what is clear is that the chap goes by the name Victory, and is said to be an ex-third division player himself.

He offered this expose: “I have about 30 clients who are footballers and I would say that a dozen are Serie A and national team players – several times I have been asked to take part in group sex sessions. They all know I am a footballer as well but they like me because I am discreet. A lot of them are bisexual, they are married or have girlfriends. They have a respectable image but none of them will ever admit to being gay, not for the time being anyway.” See the back of his hooded head, and hear the above transcript spoken in a language you probably don’t know, for yourself.

Stop the Madness

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:05:00 +0000

For everyone still cringing over the ridiculous transfer figures being banded about for Kaka, solace might finally be on the horizon with the European Club Association sitting down this week to discuss the capping of money clubs can spend on players and their wages. The proposal reportedly states that clubs will only be allowed to spend what they actually earn, rather than being bankrolled by faceless billionaire corporations. In other words, they will be subject to the same rules as everyone else.

The Offside have cleverly worked out the practicalities are such: “Basically, a team’s spending limit would be determined as 51% of their income from gate receipts, TV revenue, players sold, sponsorship and merchandising.” In layman’s terms then, no matter how rich the owner was, a team couldn’t spend money that wasn’t earned directly by the club itself, meaning no more £100million-plus bids. Unless of course Eastlands were to expand to the size of Wales and sell out every week for a year.

Obviously this is a great idea because the recent activity around Manchester City has been out of control to say the least. However, clubs and players are used to a certain trickle of income and a certain way of life, so how might teams continue to live the life they’ve become accustomed to? Well, jack up prices of course: tickets, drinks, merchandise, sponsorship and maybe even TV subscription rights.

In many ways as well this model uniformly ensures that the rich get richer and the poor stay, well, poor, with the option of big-money takeovers left redundant. There would never be another team like Fulham or Wigan or Reading meteorically rising to the top, and order would be virtually solidified, save for the obvious promotion/relegation merri-go-round once a season.

Finally though, and perhaps most compellingly, there is an obvious loophole here for those sugar-daddys still committed to asssembling their own fantasy football team. Spend £250million every week in the club shop on shit like cuddly mascots to bump up the club’s turnover…

Gameweek 22 – Join Me

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:56:00 +0000

Late drama abounded this week with last-minute heartbreak for both Bolton and Stoke, as the two main title contenders showed just why they have been there or thereabouts every May in recent memory. It was that man Berbatov for Manchester United who latched onto a prime Carlos Tevez cross to push United to the top of the pile past an already-faltering Liverpool. Chelsea meanwhile left it even later to overturn Stoke’s 60th minute lead, with substitute Juliano Belletti rescuing Big Phil for not the first time this season. However, just when it looked like a point was all the Blues could squeeze out of the game, on his 400th appearance for the club, Frank Lampard found himself free on the edge of the box and fired a trademark shot into the bottom corner to suddenly wake up the Stamford Bridge faithful.

Liverpool will still consider they have a realistic title challenge, however another late goal stalled the Scousers once again, with Tim Cahill drifting in unmarked to head home a fantastic Mikel Arteta freekick with less than five minutes on the clock. Arsenal meanwhile got their revenge on Hull for that early season defeat with a convincing 3 – 1 victory that should’ve restored some Gunners’ smiles, despite them still sitting in fifth place. The reason they are outside of the Champions League spots is because Aston Villa continue their fantastic form of late, coming from a goal behind at Sunderland with ten men to win their sixth league game out of the last seven.

Gazing further down the league then, West Ham and West Brom continued their recent winning ways with comprehensive wins over Fulham and Middlesbrough respectively. Carlton Cole and Valon Behrami were outstanding again for the Hammers, while Boro are starting to look like they might be in real trouble, with very little to get excited about anyway on the pitch.

Finally then, something to smile about for Manchester City as they scrapped past Wigan by a single goal, in a display which, let’s face it, didn’t exactly scream ‘come and join our samba flair circus Kaka!’

Game of the Week – Tottenham vs Portsmouth
All of the pre-game focus obviously surrounded the various contests going on pitchside and beyond, with Redknapp and Defoe facing their previous club, and Tony Adams facing his old playing rivals for the first time as manager of Portsmouth. The game was played at a frantic pace though, with chances galore at both ends, including a serious contender for Miss of the Season from a certain £16million ex-Charlton striker.

Player of the Week – Frank Lampard
Frank Lampard Jr celebrated his 400th appearance for the Blues with a last-gasp winner to keep Chelsea in the race for the title and break the hearts of Stoke’s players and traveling fans. In an incredibly flat performance from Scolari’s men, Lampard was once again the catalyst, almost dragging his team single-handedly to keep fighting until the 94th minute. Elsewhere, Robin van Persie was also outstanding for Arsenal as they thumped Hull.

Goal of the Week – Paul Konchesky
It’s fair to say that Konchesky doesn’t score a lot of goals, but when he does, they tend to be pretty special. This was no exception.

Dick of the Week – Joey Barton
He was on the pitch for about five minutes before he started pushing his own team-mates about and telling them they were shit. Good contribution as ever there Joey.

Save of the Week – David James
In a game littered with great saves at both ends, DJ’s change of direction to claw out Aaron Lennon's deflected cross was virtually superhuman. The save proved doubly-crucial as seconds later Portsmouth broke up the other end to open the scoring through David Nugent.

Miss of the Week – Darren Bent

‘Arry Redknapp reckons his wife could’ve scored this and I don’t doubt that’s true. Alfonso Alves and Amr Zaki tried their best to top however.

Talking Point of the Week – Kaka’ reaches out to a higher power
Ok the point has already been argued about to the death, but the story has obviously been the talk of the town. What repercussions will there be to his snub though? Does Robinho now want out of Manchester City? Will any world-class players actually be swayed by extortionate money to play in a team that will realistically be in a relegation battle come May? If reports are true then David Villa, Thierry Henry and Gigi Buffon have already turned down the glamorous Eastlands life, so who’s next on the Shiekhs’ shopping list?

The King is Dead…Long Live the King

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:52:00 +0000

Along with the majority of the country, I am not currently enjoying the slow-motion car crash that is Paul Gascoigne’s life. He was basically my hero growing up, so seeing how his wife is manipulating anyone who’ll listen against him, and the footballing world turning their back on him, isn’t great. Anyway, a small silver lining is that Newcastle United have snapped up Gazza’s seven-year-old nephew Cameron Gascoigne on a junior contract after scouts noticed the youngster bagging a not-bad 22 (twenty two!) goals in recent half hour 5-a-side game. In a show of brilliant humiliation for the opposition, Cameron wass even asked to swap sides at half-time to keep the score fair.

The young chap apparently idolizes his uncle and spends every night practicing on a rather modest artificial pitch he has in his back garden: “Paul is an inspiration to Cameron on the pitch – and I’m just hoping he will learn from his mistakes off it. He absolutely adores his uncle and is so proud to wear the name Gascoigne on the back of his shirt. My brother needs to get well for himself because he is a good man and deserves some happiness. But he’s also really keen to help Cameron become the very best player he can.”

This sounds like exactly the kind of project Gazza might need to help get his head back together and concentrate on. Success managing Cameron would also be the best possible ‘fuck you’ to ex-wife Cheryl imaginable.

Irony is Not a Word to Play

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:44:00 +0000

One day David Beckham will read back to himself all the stupid things he’s ever said and realise that he must use that clever piece of anatomy known as a brain more often before allowing his mouth to flap open. His latest offering is this prime slice of unwhitting self-parody, knowledgably responding to the ongoing Kaka saga: “It’s not always about money. It’s about playing for the best team, playing with the best players in the world and winning trophies and being successful.”

Sensible advice from D. Beck there who is currently luxuriating in a five-year £125m contract at an American club that limped to a second from bottom finish in the MLS last season. When he isn’t helping his wife buy handbags made from crocodile eyelashes or whatever, Beckham can be found opening shopping ‘malls’ and youth development centres around LA, really pressing to “win trophies.” Saying that however, Beckham does get to hang out with Tom Cruise and Snoop Dogg on a regular basis, so that’s kind of part of “being successful.”

For Kaka, money is not everything

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 16:50:00 +0000

I don’t know about you, but that sentence warms my heart in the ice cold greedy cynicism of the modern game. Obviously in high profile cases like this it’s hard to separate to media spin from the truth, but regardless, Milan and Manchester have basically been circuses the last fortnight, with tales of arguments, agreements and shifting loyalties almost daily. Today though, the deal is officially off, and more than anything, I for one am relieved. I genuinely feel that had Kaka taken the money and gone to Eastlands then, on some level, my love of football would’ve died too. You see, it's hard to articulate, but personally Kaka is so much more than just one of the greatest talents of the modern era. His attitude, his commitment, his desire to be a winner represents football in its purest and most passionate sense, and had he turned his back on that pretty unique sense of class, then it would mean that everyone truly has their price, and world club football all starts to look fairly meaningless.

Anyway, Italian Prime Minister and Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi explained the Brazilian superstar had decided to snub the £243million deal himself: “It was Kaka who decided to stay. He didn’t even want to listen to the offer, which I believe was very big for him. He chose to stay at this club because he thinks it’s the best club in the world.” This came just hours after hundreds of fans besieged the headquarters of the Italian giants to voice their anger about the possible sale of their idol, and the hardcore fan firm known as the tifosi even held a vigil outside the star’s home.

Berlusconi added: “He is loved by everyone. He was touched by the love of the fans and was moved by his team-mates and all the staff. He has accepted to stay with the contract he has and will not ask for more money. He has confirmed he doesn’t want a penny more, because money is not everything in life. In these last few days he has understood there are more important things than money. We are proud to have such a champion, who is a great player on the pitch but also a big man outside. He refused an offer I believe would have doubled what he earns with us.” After Berlusconi announced the breakdown of talks live on Sky Italia TV, the Brazilian went out on to his flat’s balcony to greet hundreds of fans celebrating the news outside his home. The club president added: “He’s a very spiritual lad and that was what led to his decision, which one has to admire. You can’t refuse a lad who has five or six good years left the chance to create a fortune that will last the rest of his life. So we gave him the opportunity to evaluate their offer. But he didn’t even want to meet the club, because he has higher values. I hope we’ll carry on having success — and with Kaka, everything is possible.”

Kaka himself offered a statement late last night, admitting: “I did what my heart told me to do. At the end what counted was my history, where my ties are and where my heart really lies. I was moved by what fans showed me. I am really happy at this club. All the messages I received meant so much and forced me to choose with my heart. Going to Manchester City could have been a great project but I have prayed a lot in the last few days, looking to understand which was the right team for me and in the end I decided to stay here.”

Ok so this all might seem like a bit of an uncharacteristic circle-jerk for STT, but occasionally when the true balance of this game we all love is threatened, you have to put sarcastic rhetoric and irreverence aside. In a very real sense this transfer could have been the beginning of the end, even more so than the early Abramovich days at Chelsea, and to have a player personally put a stop to it and make a stand against money in favour of club loyalty is actually pretty moving. I’m not sure there are many other players out there that I could actually say this about, but more than anything else, I respect Kaka.

Merc’Em Magazine

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 16:38:00 +0000

When I heard that Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole were bankrolling a hot new British movie starring Danny Dyer I literally shot my load. Never one to rest on his laurels however, Rio has rightly seen this is a jump-off point for his media empire, with a new online magazine called Rio next up in his grand scheme for world domination.

Sure, on the surface this is a pure vanity project where Rio shows you how rich he is and how many cool famous friends he can stand next to long enough for a photo to be taken, but in reality it is so much more. He promises it will be “packed full of music, fashion, film and sport,” which sounds pretty incredible in my humble opinion. Reports suggest that he has been jetting all over the world to record such thrilling content as amusing virals (please more WORLD CUP WIND Up-esque action Rio!) and non-self-indulgent interviews with stars such as 50 Cent.

The magazine goes ‘live’ next month but quite who it’s aimed at is anyone’s guess. Personally I cannot see what is essentially just a catalogue of what makes Rio his unique self appealing to anyone except his brother and the mentally deficient. So just the mentally deficient then, and we all know how much they struggle with the internet…

Gameweek 21 – Forbidden Fruit

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:37:00 +0000

Another week and another shake-up. Leaders Liverpool were held to their fourth goalless draw of the season, and their second against Stoke, by a gutsy Potters performance that if anything deserved more than a point as Benitez’s men failed to back up their manager’s fighting words of the day before. With this result in mind, Sunday’s huge clash at Old Trafford took on even greater significance, but the game itself was a bizarrely one-sided affair in which Manchester United seemed to convincingly stake their claim to a third Premier League title in a row.

The battle for fourth continues to rage as ever, with Arsenal and Villa both winning, along with Everton who also appear to be throwing their hat into the arena. High-flying Wigan also bagged a decent last minute win against Spurs, who continue to capitulate despite an early decent run under ‘Arry Redknapp.

Further down the league, Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Newcastle and West Ham all played out draws, while West Brom’s defeat to local rivals Villa keeps them firmly planted to the foot of the table.

Oh, and if you’ve noticed that there were only eight games played this week that’s because two matches were called off due to frozen pitches. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when a Premier League cannot be prepared for the fact that in the winter it sometimes gets a bit cold.

Game of the Week – Manchester United vs Chelsea
Jose Mourinho offered this delightfully glib assessment of the game which to be honest I just can’t better: “I saw people from Chelsea before the match, at half-time and after the match. But I didn't see Chelsea on the pitch. I only saw Manchester United.”

Player of the Week – Marouane Fellaini
It’s been a long time coming for the absolutely hilarious looking Belgian. Alongside Cahill, he has spearheaded the Everton frontline in the absence of any recognized strikers, and popped up with some vital goals. One problem though is 18 league appearances this season and 10 yellow cards. Is it just because he’s big?

Goal of the Week – Mikel Arteta
An absolute peach from the fantastic Spanaird.

Trick of the Week – Manchester United’s inventive little corner routine
Let’s see more of this please. Very clever and the goal should’ve stood.

Gaffe of the Week – Scott Carson
Poor Scott, didn’t he bag a couple of England caps a few years ago?

Jinx of the Week – Gareth Bale
I feel a bit sorry for Gareth Bale because he looks like a pre-pubescent monkey. He’s also not very good apparently, with 20 appearances for Tottenham now without being on the winning side…

Rant of the Week – Rafa Benitez
A flashback to the old Kevin Keegan days of vitriolic rivalry can only be good for the Premier League as we look towards the tightest second-half of the season in a decade. In a considered purge of built-up rage, Rafa basically just said what everyone else has known for years. Read it all for yourself here and if you’re too lazy to do that, indulge yourself in a video of Rafa’s soothing voice and sexy beard.

Talking Point of the Week – The nature of dissent
After all the furore this summer about respect for officials, it seems that as ever the rules don’t apply to everyone. People will argue that football is a passionate game where emotions run high, and that’s true of course, but there’s a difference between frustrated exclamations and face-to-face confrontation. This weekend’s big event saw Manchester Untied steam-roll Chelsea, but during the course of the game Wayne Rooney, among others, continually got in the referee’s face and intimidated him, often to camera shouting “fuck off.” Either we care about the way this behaviour dissipates down to non-league and youth football or we don’t, so please start enforcing the actual laws of the game and book players every time they swear directly at an official. Spending a third of a season suspended for dissent might teach certain players a few manners eventually…

Taylor Made

noreply@blogger.com (chalovesmonkeys) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:29:00 +0000

Steven Taylor does ok for himself these days, despite not featuring as often as he probably should for ailing club Newcastle United. To help soften the blow, he has former FHM High Street Honey winner Tanya Robinson waiting for him at home to chuck the odd ready-meal in the microwave and massage his Gears of War 2-sore hands. Thing is though, when you have such a prime specimen on tap, what do you do when you go on holiday?

Get the lads together and basically pretend you’re on a gay cruise of course! Here are some cracking holiday snaps from when the big guy visited Las Vegas recently.
Ultimately though this isn’t about Northern chaps wearing terrible shirts and spilling drinks on themselves, it’s much more about Tanya Robinson being so hot I want to drive up to Newcastle now and sell Mr Taylor my parents for a quick bit of glory hole action with his lady. See her pole dancing and feel thoroughly depressed about your own girlfriend here: