Snippets From Mom

Uh-huh.

2011-08-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

After telling Mom a story about a friend...

ME: And he's so funny, and SO smart.

MOM: And a little bit strange.

That Face...

2011-07-12T19:10:00.000-07:00

While learning to use Facebook.

MOM: I was telling [my friend] about "Dogface".

ME: "Dogface"? You haven't told *me* about "Dogface".

MOM: What's it called?

ME: What are you talking about?

MOM: The thing with the dogs on Facebook.

ME: Dogbook.

MOM: Oh! I hope I didn't tell her it was "Dogface".

Oh Yeah. That Guy.

2011-06-13T17:24:00.003-07:00

ME: Guess who I heard is splitting up?

MOM: Oh no! Not What's-His-Name!

Mom to English Dictionary

2011-06-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

As many of our parents do, my mother has her own words or expressions for certain things, usually titles of films, brand names, and the like. Here is a short sample.

Children of the Corn = The Cornpeople
Doctor Who episode, "The Waters of Mars" = "The Waterpeople"
V = The V People
An Officer and a Gentleman = A Gentleman and a Friend
Circle K = Special K
Safeway = Shop-Rite
Shake n Run Beverage Mix = Run n Go
Freema Agyeman of Doctor Who = The Cop on Torchwood (she actually only guest-starred on 2 episodes)
Michelina's = Michaelangelo's
DVD = disk
Old Dominion University/ODU = The OD
BBC America = BBC/The British Channel
Law & Order: SVU = Law & Order: SUV
Bill Cosby = Bill Cawsby (like Bing Crosby)
The Cosby Show = Cawsby or The Cawsby Show (usually the former)
Star Trek: Voyager = That One With Janeway Who Was Mean to Sam Malone on Cheers (I kid you not; she holds it against her)
Commander Riker, "Number One" = "Number Two" (poop)

Fresh from the Garden State

2011-06-06T14:04:00.003-07:00

ME: That was delicious.

MOM: It was JERSEYlicious! ... I saw that ... wait ... what IS that?

Get a Tissue

2011-06-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

MOM: A "sniveling suspect"? Does that mean he has a runny nose?

ME: That would be a sniffling suspect.

Fashion Plates

2011-06-02T14:31:00.002-07:00

ME: I am not a fan of wearing a shirt and tie to work.

MOM: Well, don't make appointments to see anyone until Fridays, and then just tell them it's "casual Friday".

Inoculation

2011-05-31T08:38:00.004-07:00

ME: I think I should figure out a way to put that online.

MOM: No! I don't want to go viral!

Deep Throat

2011-05-25T09:42:00.002-07:00

*holding her throat*

MOM: What's that thing with the funny name...? UVULA! That's it. You always get it confused with vulva.

ME: Well, I don't.

Field of Shattered Dreams

2011-05-24T12:58:00.001-07:00

*looking through the on-screen guide for a movie*

MOM: Fandango! That sounds... Kevin Costner?! I don't think so.

Déjà Vu

2011-05-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

(After telling Mom about this blog and reading entries back to her, reminding her of what was said)

MOM: (laughs) That's right! Yes!

ME: Of course it is, Mom. These things actually happened.

Resistance is Futile

2011-05-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

MOM: My computer's broken.

ME: How is it broken?

MOM: When I went to bed last night, I did the thing where you let it do updates and shut itself off.

ME: Ok. And?

MOM: It's still doing it.

ME: Well, technically, that can happen. It depends on what it is updating.

MOM: It says it is still "installing 7 of 9.."

ME: Oh, that's different. Your computer has been assimilated by the Borg.

Men Wear Girdles, Too

2011-05-19T00:52:00.002-07:00

MOM: Which one is Ron Paul?

ME: Second from the right on the end.

MOM: I thought Ron Paul was a transvestite or something. Is that what he looks like out of makeup?

ME: That's Ron Paul, not RuPaul, Mom.

MOM: I thought it was odd that they would be debating a transvestite. I was sure it had to be a joke.

Mom and the Funky Bunch

2011-05-18T22:56:00.001-07:00

MOM: I didn't know Mark Wahlberg was in that. What a nice little... treat!

iMom v1.0 Beta

2011-05-18T22:55:00.001-07:00

MOM: Dammit, what's an "app"?!

A Rose By Any Other Name

2011-05-18T22:46:00.002-07:00

MOM: Oh he's adorable! What's his name?

HER FRIEND: George - after my [late] father.

MOM: Oh that's nice. So what will you actually call him?

HER FRIEND: Um... George.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot

2011-05-18T22:44:00.001-07:00

MOM (rambling, about her male dog): That Buddy... he's always looking for another penis...

Jim Cantore's Ears Are Kindy Pointy

2011-05-18T22:40:00.003-07:00

(while watching tornado coverage on The Weather Channel)

MOM: This is the Weather Channel? I thought you were watching science fiction.

ME: Why?

MOM: 'TorCon'? That sounds like Vulcan.

Anything Else Is Just Gravy

2011-05-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

ME: Well, [the doctor] said you'd be perky [after taking her new medication].

MOM: TURKEY?

ME: PERKY. Will you put in your damned hearing aids already! Why would you be a 'turkey'?

MOM: I don't know.

Arms Wide Open

2011-05-18T22:31:00.000-07:00

NEWS V.O.: Tonight on 12 News... Police may have captured the flasher in Tempe that has been exposing himself to women...

MOM: Rats. I haven't seen him yet.

Rerun, She Watched

2011-05-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

MOM: Ooh! [So-and-so]! I haven't seen him in eons!

ME: Well, he's been dead for 16 years. He hasn't had much to say.

MOM: Really?

ME: Mom, these aren't *new* episodes of "Murder, She Wrote."

Special Guest Star

2011-05-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

ME: So who got fired on "The Apprentice"?

MOM: Well, they killed Osama bin Laden...

ME: What? Damn, that show is getting harder.

Political Correction

2011-05-18T22:25:00.002-07:00

MOM: Oh that's right! They wouldn't be 'African-American' if they were European!

Objects in the Mirror

2011-05-18T22:23:00.002-07:00

MOM: (watching TV commercial) I've never seen bras like that in a store... not at THAT size...

Orthodontia Anglia

2011-05-18T22:21:00.002-07:00

ME: Such weird looking people in this movie.

MOM: They're English.