So A Priest And A Rabbi...Daily Humor

When I grow up...

2010-08-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

OK, I saw this on Graham Norton and laughed so much I had tears in my eyes.

You remember those pictures we had to draw in 1st grade, showing what we wanted to do when we grew up? Here's one that a teacher received:

Now, what is it you suppose this little girls mommy does? Look carefully and take a guess.

You might be mistaken. After the assignment, the mother wrote the following to the teacher:

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more.

Joke: Dead husbands new suit

2010-08-06T15:35:00.000-04:00

I heard this joke a while back and thought it was really funny, mainly because it's just so morbid. If you're not a fan of dark humor then you may just want to skip past it to other funny stuff I've posted.

A recent widow is making the funeral arrangements for her recently departed husband. She speaks with the mortician and says "Jimmy always looked so good in blue. Would it be possible for you to find a nice blue suit for him to buried in?"

The mortician replies that it would be no bother at all and accepts a blank check from the woman for the cost of the suit.

At the funeral Jimmy looks splendid in a crisp double breasted navy blue Brooks Brothers suit. After the service the widow approaches the mortician to thank him and find out how much it had cost her.

The mortician tells her "well, it just so happens another man had passed away who was about your husbands size and he was wearing that suit. He had no family and was going to be cremated with a memorial service

...

So, I swapped their heads."

Funny Link Bait - Eva Mendes Sex Tape

2010-08-03T16:02:00.000-04:00

OK, this isn't like roll on the floor funny, but it is a funny example of link bait. Considering the number of times I've followed a link to a site, pic, or video that was definitely NSFW it's good to see a little turn-about.

Crazy Indian Video... Buffalaxed!

2010-08-01T17:30:00.000-04:00

I saw this funny you tube video and it had me laughing out loud, so thought I would share it here. So you know, this is NOT a translation. This Indian music video has been sub-titled with what the poster hears them as saying. As you read along, you can hear it as well, and the results are hilarious.

"Have you been high today?
I see the nuns are gay!"

Laugh out loud, funny!

The Rabbi

2008-01-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims:
'If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says:
'If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Rabbi!''.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

2007-12-29T10:09:00.000-05:00

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see is in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white-washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Top 10 Thoughts for 2007

2007-12-27T18:25:00.000-05:00

TOP TEN THOUGHTS FOR 2007
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing!

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Christmas Bird

2007-12-27T18:19:00.000-05:00

It's all a matter of perspective!

A Redneck Christmas

2007-12-27T18:02:00.000-05:00

A friend sent this to me. I think it's pretty cool actually and another example of recycling to save a tree! Have an amped up caffeinated holiday!

Holiday Stress

2007-12-27T17:59:00.001-05:00

One particular Christmas season a long time go, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were lame and two had jumped the fence and were out a heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.

Just then the doorbell ran and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

Advertising At Its Finest

2007-12-04T10:01:00.001-05:00

Delicious for Chanukah: Boneless Spiral Ham $8.99/lb.

They spelled Chanukah right, they just got everything else wrong!

Funny Webcam Smackdown

2007-11-06T12:17:00.000-05:00

Click on the image to view. Just plain wrong. Funny, but wrong!

Freshman Bellringer

2007-11-04T09:08:00.000-05:00

Imagine:

You just came to Texas Tech University as a freshman.

You are SO PROUD that you have been chosen to pump up the crowd as the school's BELL RINGER during the big game.

Your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers see you on Saturday's telecast ringing the team's bell.

But due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell, the camera and your body; your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers see this instead ......................

I feel bad that I'm contributing to this guys ongoing embarrassment, but it's just too funny not to post!

Ghost Story

2007-11-04T08:58:00.000-05:00

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied:

"I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

oops

2007-11-03T10:10:00.000-04:00

My mistake, the Zombie book is by Max Brooks not Max Barry. It's called the Zombie Survival Guide and is a funny little book that any zombie movie aficionado will love! Here's a sample of the content:

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Zombies in Plain English

2007-11-03T09:32:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across this and think it's interesting in that it is very similar to a humorous book written by Max Barry (http://www.maxbarry.com author of Jennifer Government, who's writings are akin to Chuck Palahniuk.)

SENIOR WISDOM - great golf story

2007-09-06T09:18:00.000-04:00

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

What do deer think?

2007-08-21T14:27:00.000-04:00

Ted Nugent, Rock star and avid bow hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?" or "Why do you do this thing of killing just for sport?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are, in many ways, very much like the French.

Church leaders convert bears to worship

2007-07-20T17:57:00.000-04:00

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Alien encounter in Arizona

2007-07-20T17:48:00.000-04:00

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared toward them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

Old age

2007-07-13T14:55:00.000-04:00

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension.

Then you start work and get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then,

You finish off as an orgasm.

Here Kitty, Kitty

2007-07-11T20:51:00.000-04:00

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "fuck", the rottweilerate him.

Top 20 Sci-Fi Romance Lines

2007-06-29T18:27:00.000-04:00

1 "He held her close and whispered, 'Though light years may come between us, my love, I shall always cherish the night when I kissed you on Uranus.'"

2 "Together they strolled along the sand, the light of the moons reflecting from her platinum hair. Her ample breasts pointed delicately upward in the weaker Martian gravity."

3 "As the mechanical whirring reached a crescendo, X-10B suddenly rebooted. 'Just my luck,' P8000-C sighed,covering her SCSI interface. X-10B cursed the latest firmware upgrade as the hydraulic fluid drained from his rapidly settling droidhood."

4 "Her wanton breasts heaved. Her breath grew short. He pulled her close and whispered, 'My Vulcan customs forbid me from mating for another 7 years -- but we can still cuddle!'"

5 "'You're a cold, heartless beast!' she screamed,weeping.'Well, yes,' he responded, puzzled and hurt,'On Pluto,we ALL are.'"

6 "My ears tingled and my skin flushed as he whispered those three sweet words that every woman wants to hear: X'CHa'ktt Ng'xxkt Kzgrr'Dchch."

7 "As the Nintendo LuvDroid pushed Cliff roughly to the bed,he felt a touch of fear, and with reason. 'ATTENTION!'shrieked the droid, 'ALL YOUR PENIS ARE BELONG TO US!'"

8 "Diana Plasma was not the kind of woman to let interplanetary gravity differentials dictate her agenda. When she said 'Jump', she expected her cadets to say 'How high?' -- and really *mean* it."

9 "Though we both yearned to be as one, I knew that the reverse polarization of our anti-grav units would forever keep us apart."

10 "Never had he seen twin moons more round, more perfectly formed as these. They glistened in the twilight, each with its own set of concentric rings, and he longed to be the first man to land on them, to touch the surface."

11 "'Don't go! I love you!' Helen pleaded, her bosom heaving.'I must,' he replied coldly.'I'll never forget you,' she sobbed, brokenhearted. 'Guess again,' the MiB agent remarked as he flashed his Neuralizer."

12 "He was standing in the doorway, chlorine dissipating off his rippling chest. From across the room, she could detect his scent, the all too familiar musk of hydrogen sulfide and ammonia. His eye met hers, and the silence was overwhelming."

13 "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a really hot cyborg chick, and Ryan Cobalt was no different."

14 "His hands tore passionately at her bodice. 'It's a breathable poly/carbon shell woven with interstitial polyvinylchloride!' she moaned. He gazed longingly,agonizing over the knowledge of basic chemistry which stood between him and her three proud breasts."

15 "Oh my God!" screamed Elizabeth. "I bet a photon could traverse the length of your tumescent organ in less than a nanosecond! In a vacuum!"

16 "Their friends said they weren't compatible, that a model 49FB8v3 could never find happiness with an amorphous semi-organic blob, but they didn't care. Sure,they were from different worlds, but they had each other and that's all that mattered."

17 "Yeoman Rand gasped as her captain bent her over the navigator's console and began tugging at her Starfleet-issued panties. 'Prepare yourself for a captain's log entry you won't forget,' Kirk purred, grinning wolfishly."

18 "As Loruk's thorax swelled, signaling her sexual availability, she could feel Gakkor's twitching proboscis brush against the most sensitive of her three legs, triggering her kill-and-devour response in a way it had never been triggered before."

19 "The pizza boy never realized that 412 Mansion Cove was the four-dimensional portal of the Gnyxillian high queen, who often sought meaningless servicing from carbon-based life forms. This time was different, though. She didn't count on... love."

20 "Clarice wanted to resist, but when Zoltor opened his mouth and his thirty-two inch tongue unspooled, she gave in with a shudder."

Merits of a Mistress

2007-06-29T18:09:00.000-04:00

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

U2 and Philosophy

2007-06-29T17:58:00.000-04:00

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence ........... "Well, f***n' stop doin' it then!"