So Crazy I'm Sane

I'm Tumbling

2011-03-29T21:31:00.001-04:00

Just thought I'd better let y'all know...

I didn't drop off the face of the earth COMPLETELY after my bitch fest...

I'm finding Tumblr much easier to do on a consistent basis.

I'm not abandonning this blog, just saving it for the lengthier and more in depth stuff.

Come see me!

I'm also always on Twitter. You know this. I'll say no more! :)

Whiney whiney BITCH PANTS

2011-03-03T07:57:00.000-05:00

I'm really in a self pitying mood lately.

It's my upcoming birthday/ big news of if this cycle turned out well or not. I think.

Or it could just be that I feel like throwing a temper tantrum single every day.

I'm scared that finding out the results of the pregnancy test will make me spiral down into a deeper sadness over the bad luck and unpleasantness that seems to follow me through out my life lately.

It's like no matter how hard I try, things SUCK and will continue SUCKING for... an indefinate amount of time.

I'm sorry that I'm being such a whiner but I have really had it.

This birthday (and year) was supposed to be the year of ME.

Now all special plans and mentions of magical fun times have been swallowed into my family's typical obsession with all things depressing & sad.

My grandma being in hospital is the icing on the cake - we spent much of last year in hospitals & palliative care wards with my uncle. Our family really needs a break. We were going to take a cruise together (ALL of us, which has NEVER happened, and D has never even left our home province!) but... that's cancelled now. (Don't misconstrue this, I love my grandma and am so sad about the state of her health. I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, and same goes for my Dad (it's his mother). I guess I'm just being selfish when I say "when will it be time for GOOD TIMES???"

Seems like the last several years have just been full of shit.

But, the thing that's making me the MOST upset is that my parents signed me up for that presentation (about a Slovak writer who was deeply affected by the loss of his family through the Holocaust) that I've been complaining on twitter about for weeks. They didn't even really ask me. And it's going to take up most of my birthday weekend, and prevents me & D from being able to go anywhere. And it's such a depressing topic to make matters even worse. Every play or poetry reading that my parents are involved in is always about death. Talk about morbid!

My birthdays in the last 10 years have been full of tears, lonlieness & aggravation. I was really hoping that for my dirty 30 things would be better.

Doesn't look like it.

I'm still trying to hold out a bit of hope for a BFP but the bigger part of me is telling my hopeful part to not get too excited.

I'm just not a fairy tale ending kind of girl.

A quick update...

2011-02-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

I've been so bad at blogging lately.
I'm sorry - I hope you haven't missed my nonsense too much! :P
I'm planning to make a big come back once our work season starts again (Spring)....

Some of the reasons I've been so busy are:

1. WE ARE TTC AGAIN!!!! WOOOOHHOOOOO!
This month was our return to Clomid, and it went a lot smoother than Cycles 1-3 in 2009. I think having the mental preparation of what would happen with the introduction of all these hormones was a HUGE help. March 6th (my Dirty Thirty!) marks the end of this year's first two week wait, and I'm encouraged by all the 'good omens' that have happened on this cycle (I ovulated on Canadian Family Day, and my birthday is the end of the 2ww)

2. My grandma is in hospital. This requires a lot of co-ordinating meal times with my parents so that someone familiar is there at every meal. It's been a struggle, but seeing her sit up to eat, and hearing that my dad and her went for a jaunt around the ward after 3 weeks of her being bed-ridden, makes me so happy.
She's going to be 88 this August and she is probably the strongest and most indestructable woman I know! She survived the Holocaust, breast cancer twice, had a tumour removed from her brain at 84, almost died due to complications from the anti-biotics, and now she's pulling through again! I'm so proud of her.

3. Trying to get life on track is time consuming!
Doing yoga has been taking a lot of my (used to be) internet-surfing/tv watching/ tweeting time... though in the last week I sort of fell of the bandwagon (progesterone suppository side effects are NO FUN!) but before that I was doing well, daily practice. If you want to view some of the flow's I've been enjoying you can do so HERE. I'd love to hear that my meager little attempt at getting in shape has inspired others - it give me such a motivation boost!
Eating better is more time consuming as well, what with the veggie chopping, fish seasoning and rice boiling. It's been an uphill battle with my junk food addiction, and I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm seeing improvements with the little changes that I'm making & that's really encouraging.

Another other than that... I'm just waiting for work to start up again (it makes such a huge difference, not only financially but also spiritually, when my days have more structure to them.)

This summer is going to be great- all these steps that D & I are taking towards improving our lives has me so excited! Stay tuned for more frequent blog posts about our progress, both in terms of TTC and also in terms of our new healthier life!

Happy New Year & All that jazz...

2011-01-27T07:48:00.000-05:00

So I'm a bit late in wishing you all a Happy New Year - better late than never though, right?

I'm sorry I've been scarce.

I've been busy trying to change my life.

Most of you follow me on Twitter so you know that I've taken a plunge into the wonderful world of yoga, and have been going to a prenatal class at a studio on Tuesday nights, but also have been doing my own practice at home.

WHAT AN AMAZING DIFFERENCE SO FAR!
And it's only been 3 weeks.

The other major change I'm making is my diet.
Since beginning yoga again my body has been telling me to detox, but I have been having a really hard time meshing my more natural food desires with D's fast food fetish. Last night we ate seperate meals, and I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. Still have to do some work on this aspect of things though.

What spiked this sudden return to the blogosphere was my appointment at a Fibromyalgia and Cannibology specialist yesterday. First of all, he claims that my biggest issue is a sleep disorder, and not fibro. Weird right? So now my GP is setting up a sleep study for me (which I'm totally nervous for 'cuz I hate sleeping away from home)...

He gave me homework too - in the form of reading and writing. If anyone is interested in reading his books, I can give you his website address, just leave me a comment below. I don't want to publicly advertise his name on my blog. The homework is really interesting so far, and actually is in part the reason for my return to blogging. Last night I spent an hour after yoga filling in the first few pages of a workbook he gave me called "The Magic Pen; Creative Writing for Self Discovery". I have to admit, I'm hooked, not only to this doctor's unique and more holistic method, but also to his energy and encouragement that I CAN change my life.

Last but not least, I have to lose weight. He claims this will be the easiest part, if I don't cheat. He claims I can lose 100 lbs. in one year. The diet he's proposing is a bit extreme so I may alter it slightly. He says I should eat 2 small meals a day, one at 10:30, one at 4:30/5pm. And only veggies, chicken, fish and a TINY bit of carbs. And that's IT. No fruit for a year. No snacking in between meals - PERIOD. I think I'll have to have some healthy snacks set up for throughout the day - I can't fathom going without some munchies for a whole day!

The cannibology part of his practice is fascinating to me (for obvious reasons, if you #knowyourNaVe!) He says I will qualify no problem for a medical MJ card, so that will be in the works soon as well. Not going to go into too much depth here, for obvious reasons, but basically I'll just say - this is the beginning of the rest of my life!

And you will be around to witness it! I swear, I couldn't do it without my constant venting system, AKA Twitter. KUDOS to all my lovely tweeties. You all are my support system and saving grace! Love you!

*in case you are wondering, the picture above is me, about 5 years ago (pre-fibromyalgia), doing camel pose. Just a bit of inspiration for anyone thinking that fat girls can't do yoga - I was thinner then but as you can see, still far from a twig. Yoga is great for anyone!*

Holiday Happy's

2010-12-05T13:09:00.002-05:00

The last post I wrote was all about finding my happy. This is one of my favourite times of year and it's the perfect time for me to ... Well... BE HAPPY!
And I'm finding small pleasures to take joy in every day, even on the grump-infested snark overloaded ones.
Today I wrapped my parents Chanukah gift (which I'm happy to say I think that they will really enjoy this year!

And the finished product....

And now that I'm done I'm feeling even more wonderfully festive so here are some shots from around our apartment (this is a spontaneous iPhone camera shoot, so pardon the sort of crappy photography!)

It's snowing!! And a shot of some of our lights...

A view of our ficus christmukah tree

Bears in a tree! One is D and the other's me! (teehee that rhymes!)

For my Aussie & Southern US readers - do you know what kind of pine tree this is? We've had Nora for 6 years... She looks beautiful as ever with her twinkle lights & glitter balls!

The headless desert nutcracker & his be-header ... And a Christmas cactus, 2010's addition to our cactus garden.

Headless desert Nutcracker's head!

The stuffed animal& candy cane ficus christmukah tree....

And again...

Our stockings, the leopard print one was Sessie's, now it's waiting for a pic of the dogs and cat boys... She willed it to them.

More of the big christmukah ficus.

Our wreath & icicle lights & stained glass door to balcony...

Christmukah cat!

And... That's all folks!!

- Posted on location from my iPhone
(doesn't that sound like so official & stuff? Like I'm a reporter... On location... Hehehe)

(oh yeah... Leave a comment!! Kthx& HAPPY HOLIDAYS!)

Finding my Happy

2010-11-12T08:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was 'msn'ing' with an old friend. She knows D very well, in fact I know her through him & she also is beginning to know me very well as she has decided to embark on the adventure that one undertakes when becoming my follower on twitter. She thus has pretty good insight on what's happening in my life, because I'm an open book & she knows the other chapter of my story quite well ;)

She said, very wisely, that my tweets have begun to indicate a fair amount of despair & depression. And that despite the fact that I frequently vent about relationship drama between me & my love, the darkness is most likely coming from the void that I feel OUTSIDE of my relationship.

It's true. I try to stay positive, hopeful, optimistic, & happy & all that jazz but there's a monster lurking too close to the surface for my comfort. And try as he might, D can not do anything about it. This fact alone brings out a not -so-nice aspect of our relationship... him trying, me rejecting him & him then being cold & aggressive because... well, basically I'm being a bitch too.

As a veteran of therapy, both group & individual, I can tell the signs of depression. I see that I'm in trouble. I see that I need help. I see that lack of luster in myself, my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings is getting stronger... but I just am kinda of the mind set that I want to try & use my self-taught skills (and call on some of the skills that I've learned in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - if you're interested in hearing more about this please leave a comment & I will blog about it next!) in conjunction with my newly found twitter support system rather than running back to therapy, or worse still, medication.

What my wise friend suggested was that I make a list. A list of things OUTSIDE my relationship that make me jump for joy. Things that tickle my thoughts. Things that stimulate my senses.
I have been happy before, I do experience happiness still & thus, there must be circumstances, things, people, situations, etc. that still make me happy.

So here, blogles & tweeties, are (some of) my happys!

(I'm gonna be random, start with small things and maybe things that people will find strange... but it's all part of the process! I need to once more learn to take joy in the little pleasures of life!)

~ my cats (duh)
~ Ani Difranco (duh - I said I was starting with the easy things!)
~ composing & recording music. (need to find a good software for this! SUGGESTIONS? I've used sequel 2, cakewalk & fruityloops, but never understood what I was doing.. need something user friendly! read:dummy-fied)
~ guitar (need to become more consistent with playing so I don't have to go through the pain of re-developing calluses every single time! what a turn off!)
~ photography & digitally editing photos
~ reading with tea & kush at Roach-a-rama in Kensington Market (requires me to leave the house & take the transit to go downtown... not that likely at the moment... but still a happy)
~ yoga (need to find some bum-knee friendly yoga - suggestions anyone??)
~ swimming (need to find a public pool nearby for swimming 3x/ week)
~ shopping for fruits & veggies & spices & nuts (productive to my diet too!)
~ shopping in general (though this can get dangerous!)
~ cooking & baking
~ knitting
~ PAINTING (really MISS this one!)
~ mani/pedi
~ bath & wine time (not sure I can swing this in my current apartment... our bathtub SUCKS)
~ journalling/blogging :)

And I think that's all for now! That's actually a pretty good list, if I don't say so myself (which I do!) All of the things on there are things that I enjoyed doing pre-D and kinda stopped doing due to various factors in my current situation... none of which are written in stone, and all of which I can change.
So now, the task at hand is to DO SOMETHING and actually make this list go to good use. That's the hardest part of it all, 'cuz if you've followed my blog at all, you'll know I"m great at making lists & plans & not so great at the actual execution of things. But here's another shot...

To my Wise friend (one in specific but also, to all my wise friends who are reading!) please remember, we need to kick each others asses into gear, for who else is in a better position to push you to succeed in finding your happy but your friends? <3

Empty Womb on a Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-10T07:10:00.002-05:00

I had a rough night last night.
An unexpected pregnancy announcement on facebook had me reeling in emotion from 2:39am onwards. Instead of wallowing in a self-pitying post though, I'll make use of Wordless Wednesday and share some images that had me pissing my pants laughing yesterday.

And a couple of them are pretty applicable to my current state of the Infertility Blues.

I think I'm gonna make an appointment today to have my Cunt examined......

And I'll prolly take my trusty friend with me.....

A girl who's T.T.C. can never get enough of her Sperman after all!

But we have to make sure first that there isn't a...

And maybe after my appointment we'll go here for some lunch....

Or maybe here...

I feel like having...

\I wonder if I'd be more fertile if I had a...

And I know while I'm at the doctor I should make sure I don't have any fresh STD's...

I HAVE to get one of these for my kids (if & when I have them that is!!)

And if I never do have any kids then the rest of my life will be a....

And I'll blow you all to hell with my....

And... JUST CUZ THEY ARE HILARIOUS...

um.... WHAAAAAT???!?!

*phew* it's a good thing that I saw that last sign, 'cuz I really feel like dying right now...

But since it's strictly forbidden I guess I'll continue on with my day.

Hope I made ya ~~piss your pants~~ ....er.... giggle :p

My Walmart Skin Care Secret Combo

2010-11-01T22:43:00.001-04:00

I used to have terrible skin.

So bad that my mom sought out medical assistance & my doctor prescribed 'Acutane'. At 11 years old. Needless to say that did a number on my just-reaching-puberty body (the pill capsules had a picture of a pregnant woman with an 'X' through her to demonstrate that getting pregnant while on this drug was ill advised due to the likelihood of birth defect. But they thought nothing of putting a developing young woman on it.... hmmmm... *head scratching* ..........................................................But I digress... this is not meant to be a post about the ill effects of over-medicating youth {ahem, I deal with endometriosis and fibromyalgia now, as an adult...}

What this post IS about is the combo of products that I've been religiously (till recently) using in the last 5-6 or so years, and it has been working wonders. Such wonders in fact that recently, when I've been cutting certain expenses out, I've realized (with the dawn of a fresh face full of little red pimples & blemishes) I NEED my skin care regiment.

People used to ask me what I use. People used to comment (with compliments!!) on my skin, not too long ago, and really, the stuff I use is not expensive at all.

So here they are, the products that I combine (all from Wal-Mart, or Shoppers Drugmart) to create the nice, smooth & radiant skin that I am now proud to say is mine.

Sometimes I mix the Garnier moisturizer/sunscreen with

Rimmel foundation to create a dewey'er more transparent & light foundation.

I follow up (if I'm dressing up) with some powder bronzer just as cheekbone highlights & some subtle eye makeup & lipgloss. I'm all about the light & natural look!

Do you have any favourite skin secrets that I can share with my readers? Please share!
Do you like these types of product-evaluation posts from me or should I stick with the emotional & inspirational stuff? Talk to me! :)

*I was not paid to write this blog, nor am I an employee of any of the products or stores that I mention*

More bang for my buck!

2010-10-30T20:59:00.000-04:00

I need a whole new wardrobe. One that actually fits so I don't have to feel like a stuffed sausage all winter this year. I did that last year & ME. NO. LIKEY.
BUT I do not have money for a whole new wardrobe.
Or at least not one from a regular source, like Addition Elle, H&M or Voluptous or Old Navy. And I'm tired of having shapeless formless sweatpant type things from Walmart as my 'entire' wardrobe.
I want some decent stuff.
But even when I do come into some extra cash, I'm trying to be 'thrifty'. We are, after all, trying to save for a trip this winter & hopefully some baby-making assistance in the near future.

So I thought & I thought...

And I donated a tupperware bin full of designer clothes that are too small to my local Value Village
and then... BING! An epiphany!

If I'M donating all this primo stuff that I barely wore (because I sadly outgrew it once I became a happy, cozy & comfortable house wife type:read, I now wear sweats ~~75%.~~.. ~~85%~~.... ok ok ... 95% of the time) then there MUST be OTHER women (who are perhaps at the OTHER end of the process that I am just now beginning, of losing weight & shedding the shlumps that sometimes come with a finally-forever-comfortable-relationship) who are also donating their stuff....

AND BEHOLD! THERE WERE!

*bonus to shopping at Value Village? Recycling clothes is good for the earth AND your wallet!* So, I only spent $72.29 and this is what I got:

H & M T-shirt dress to wear with leggings - pant style of choice for me to accommodate my tensor bandaged knee - was so unflattering 'cuz 'till now I only had one longer top to wear with them...

Green fleecy high-necked sweatshirt...

me likey, for those comfy loungy days, so I don't have to look so shlumpy....

Danskin sweats - great sturdy material, for those same comfy/shlumpy days...

Dark Rinse 'curvy cut' jeans, to make space for the bootay ;)

I LOOOVE this wooly grey sweater -

the lines are so perfect for my figure, accentuating my smallest part - my waist!

Old Navy long sleeved waffle tee - can never have too many of these.

And this one is in my fave colour! It matches the inner rim of my glasses!

A Big Long comfy sweater - again, to go with my leggings & Uggs..

.Maybe a big braided leather belt...

Another one... this one is actually a really great teal colour... the picture didn't really show it that well. I plan to wear this one with a slinky long sleeved tee under (the cable knit part is kinda peek-a-boo, and it's got short sleeves), and with black leggings and my black slouchy boots or uggs.

And, of course my two helpers, Blue & Topper...

making sure that I make the right choices to keep the fashion police away!

And for my next blog post? Look forward to pics of all the fur babies -

in their matching Halloween getups! :)

But for now... what do you think of my shopping spree at Value Village?

Wishful thinking....

2010-10-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

I've settled into a sort of strange mental cave, driven to spark a change but still physically restricted.
I'm learning to let my brain & my fingers help me imagine what I will do once my knee gets better...

Let me share some of my wishful thinking.

D and I wish to go out into the country to roast a turkey on an open fire for Thanksgiving (for my American readers, Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend!)

The venue yet undecided, I just want to see trees. I have no stipulations, just nature & more nature. And a comfy chair by the fire & cozy blanket ;)
The fewer humans the better (other than our immediate posse).

I wish my parents would want to roast a turkey with us.
I'll leave it at this. I'm not even going to open this can of worms during this post....
lets leave the family drama outta it......

But more than that, I wish that we had a family of our own to take.

I long to see vibrant autumn reds, smell the smoky crisp air, feel the fingertips of October chill on my cheek & snuggle in warmth of my cozy fall layers.

I long for hayrides, corn mazes, face painting and apple bobbing.

I long for a tradition of picking & carving pumpkins, striving for the most ghoulish, glowing gaze. Roasting seeds. Pies.

What do you long for? What are your family traditions for Thanksgiving?

One other thing I long for? Sharing. Caring. Togetherness.

Pinery - Remembering the Summer Part One

2010-09-27T15:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't been in a very verbal mood lately (probably due to my netflix coma!)...

I really wanted to share some images from my trip to Pinery Provincial Park with you all....

before the memory of summer is so distant that I long to remember the feel of the sun on my skin....

and before the peaceful Ontario countryside is covered with a white layer of the cold stuff...

there were beautiful drives through the country....

There was a lot of rain too.........

And cool, mysterious nights....

Mornings by the fire...

Camping Breakie of champs ;)

BEACH!

Home Sweet Home in the woods.... (aka. temporary Utopia)

Heaven...

Beauty...

Reflection...

There was once a forest fire.... created these dramatic, fantastic lines...

Buddy....

and Buggy! :)

Amazing Fungi - looks like it should be under the sea!

Jamaica in Ontario...

Lake Huron's beautiful sandy shores....

More summer images to come!

Fresh Start?

2010-09-21T14:09:00.001-04:00

In my last post I expressed the desire to start anew, flip over the 'ol mattress of my mind & open up the windows to let the light in. So to speak.

Yeah. I'm having issues with that.

Whilst my blog has taken on a clean, crisp & new appearance, my mind didn't get the memo & has instead remained in it's prior state of wallowing in it's own self-repugnance.

This morning at the Orthapedic clinic I felt myself sinking into a cesspool of jealousy (the very feeling that I am trying to STOP feeling) when realizing that I was the only 'be-crutched' patient in the whole clinic who had to come in alone, had no coffee or tea for the wait (carrying hot liquids on crutches is bad to one's health, I have discovered this week) AND, to add insult to injury, Twitter was virus-ed (like, when does that EVER happen?) just in my time of emotional need & vulnerability.

This left me wondering; How on EARTH did I get by before my tweeties?

Oh - and I also had this long & wonderful post typed out about how I downloaded BlogPress for my iPhone and will thusly be blogging much more often.... and then my phone glitched and I lost the whole damn thing.

AND all that was BEFORE the appointment, during which my poor knee was made to bend & twist in ways I try to avoid when I'm NOT injured.... and also before I was told that I may wind up having to have a scope surgery to investigate further what's wrong with my knee.

So for today I'll leave it at this... I'm going to crawl into my fuzzy bathrobe, under my fuzzy blanket & try and keep my mind in fuzzy, warm thoughts.

And maybe tomorrow I'll have another fresh start.

NaVe goes back to the school of life!

2010-09-19T12:56:00.000-04:00

So I didn't quite return to my blog with the gusto I had hoped for.

So sue me.

I led a fairly unblogworthy existance for the remainder of the summer. We went on one last camping trip to Pinery (and forgot our camera, but it should be arriving back soon thanks to U.P.S. and pictures will be posted!)

Now, it's fall... the crisp smell of leaves turning is back in the air, the mid-morning silence reminds me that all the kids are back in school, and it leaves me wanting a fresh start.

But this fresh start I desire is no where to be found. I have no fresh pile of books awaiting a semester of studying & highlighting. There's no supplies to be purchased for my bright & bubbling back-to-school-er either. I used to LOVE going back to school shopping, despite my uniform and ridiculous amount of ginormous textbooks to be purchased. And I still miss the annual "book sale" of my old high school, seeing everyone again, rushing around to find the least beat up copy of the texts you need, no uniforms left so there was always still that hint of summer in the air...) My old high school always had a really nice feel in the fall, many old and grand trees in the courtyards changing colours.... Fall and Christmas were my favourite times there. I can almost forget the bad parts about my high school years when I remember back to that 'fresh start' feeling.

But I digress.

This year there is no clear cut fresh start for me so instead I'm decidedly creating my own. Or, that was the plan before this unhappy knee adventure of mine (follow me on twitter if you wanna hear that daily whine/rant!).

So now I've got some time in couch city during which to plan this self-appointed fresh start.
I've been feeling really resentful, negative, bitter and jealous lately. I don't know exactly where it all started but it was really really starting to wear me down.

So this year, instead of going back to school I'm going back to basics and re-learning the lesson I used to live by.

Love + Laughter = Love.

Any thoughts?

Bloggity blog blog

2010-08-12T15:31:00.000-04:00

I feel rather lumpish today, but I'm striving to maintain humourous.
I'm not going to sink into a hole because I hate some bad chicken.
Turned it into a joke on twitter - one of my lovely tweeties asked if I had gotten a BFP (had been tweeting bout puking a lot).... I said no, instead I got VBC (very bad chicken)

Ha.
Ha.

Ok, maybe it's not that funny - but the fact that I am returning to my blog, talking about clomid around the dinner table and shopping for houses makes me think that things are okay for a change. Despite the fights. Despite any aggravation. Life is good. I don't need to compete with other people, I can just relax and know that everything will happen in it's due time.

The weddings & pregnancies of late have taken a toll on my mind & emotional state but I mainain:

Life is good.

Even though I spent last night with my head in a toilet bowl.

A First for NaVe!

2010-08-05T11:05:00.001-04:00

I've been trying to decide on the best topic for a blog after such a long absence.
A clever follower mentioned I may want to put a "gone fishin'" or "on sabbatical" posting up so that people don't think I died, or got kidnapped, or just up & abandoned my blog. And for a few days I thought that I would do that, and then never actually got around to it.
Procrastination has been somewhat of a theme for me this summer.

But this morning, after a restless night, I was in search of things to do to make myself feel not so BLAH. I had been wanting to upload a video of some singing/ guitar playing onto YouTube, and thought, what better time than this morning!

So here it is, a little 'diddy' to tide ya'll over 'till my next posting.

It's been a crazy hectic & busy summer, so my blog writing is sporadic at best but once the winter is upon us again I will be once more a frequent flyer in the blogosphere!
Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Hubbub & Hooplah

2010-06-30T15:29:00.000-04:00

It's been a few of weeks since I've made the time to write a blog posting.
This is not a direct indication of a lack of things going on, in fact it's exactly the opposite.
Those of you who read my tweets know that it's been a few weeks of new kitty fun, deck building ... uh... fun... (yeah right!) and general work mayhem (o.k, so that's nothing new)
But I needed to ground myself for a moment & get back to my writing, so here's a quick little update for y'all.

June 16th, we brought home our newest fur-baby, Blue. The first few days were horrible because he wouldn't stop crying for his family (he used to live with his Mom, Dad, Brother, Grandma & two dog-siblings, and they were left on their for at least 12 hrs a day! Why some people get pets is astonishing to me. But I digress...) Now he seems to have adjusted to life with Topper, Bronx & Atilla and he's fitting into our family wonderfully!

I was initially skeptical about having a new kitty come into the house. Sess's death seemed a little (LOT!) too recent, and a thoughtless tweet from an ignorant follower (saying I must not have loved Sess that much if I was replacing her so soon) had me really doubting that I wanted to keep Blue, long term (we took him from a bad home under kinda 'foster parent' status) But seeing him find his place within our fur-family, and getting to know his spunky little personality has assuaged my fears. Sess is never going to be forgotten, never can be replaced and anyone who has ever had a pet and been close to an animal knows that one can never ever replace another due to their vastly differing personalities!

There will be many more pictures in the near future :0)

June 17th my parents left for a 6 day vacation to Florida. This is when the REAL mayhem began as we decided to build them a MUCH needed deck in their backyard. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and has been unable to get into her backyard for 3 years due to the poorly designed steps (sans handrail) that led out of the kitchen door. 6 days of rain (blood, sweat & tears) and ....

THEY LOVED IT :)

There it is - partially finished. As finished as we could get it considering the torrential downpours that happened 3 out of the 6 days they were gone.... We've since put up some privacy lattice in the back corner & more railings.... you'll see it all when I post the step-by-step build photo post! \
All in all, despite how much hard work it was and how difficult it was to juggle our full time business responsibilities with doing a personal project after work hours... it was incredibly worthwhile, just seeing my Mom happy in her yard again, and hearing that she sits out there every morning for her coffee.

And otherwise how have I been? Emotionally? Mentally? Well, busy is good but I'm definitely ready for my own little vacation (despite that I don't see it happening anytime soon). I've been holding myself together despite a HUGE amount of work stress and an overfilled schedule, so all in all I'm pretty proud of myself. One of the residual effects of my past experiences with mental illness is that I'm always waiting for the stress to make me fall apart. I think I'm finally learning to trust my coping skills. It's a good feeling. So that's the feeling I hold onto now, on high stress days (much like TODAY!!!!! :P) and it helps me get over the initial hump of anxiety when something goes wrong and lets me get onto the down-slide back to a less anxious state much quicker than before.

I've been taking a (not voluntary) break from tweeting and blogging due to the recent events of my life, but I'm hoping that things will calm down enough for me to regain some of my zen & start writing on a more regular basis again. I've really missed it, and I've been missing all of you! My last post about adoption was a bit risky subject for me and a comment I responded to had me doubting my desires to return to the blogosphere. Maybe I'm too sensitive for this kind of open book exposure online. But my dear friend @PlaiduhPus (you can check out her NEW blog here) said "just blog." So I am. And hoping for the best. You see, I am all up for discussion. I like conversation. But when someone posts a negative response to a touchy blog post & on top of it all does it ANONYMOUSLY it kinda irks me. And it irks me even more to be judged about my irkiness. (which is what happened when I talked about the situation on Twitter.) But... in an attempt to thicken my skin (good practice for me in real life too) I'm back and I won't let anyone get to me.

(ok, that's not true. Stuff will still get to me, but I'm not about to let it stop me :P)

Till next time! Peace! <3

Adopted

2010-06-04T18:54:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about adoption a lot.

Maybe it's because I've been watching that show "16 and Pregnant" during my "breaks" from work. The show has got me doing a lot of thinking in of itself, and a lot of it has to do with the one girl who decided to give her baby girl up for adoption.

That young woman was my birth mother 29 and some odd years ago.
She had to debate, with my birth father, whether or not they felt that they could raise me.
They had to ponder on what kind of life they would give me if they kept me.
They weren't 16, but they were young, and they had their vision of their futures. It did not involve parenting.

I have always known that I was adopted.
For as long as I can remember I knew the story by heart - how my mom had been pregnant with a baby boy and had an ectopic pregnancy resulting in an emergency hysterectomy. I knew the story about the waiting, the agony of being 'examined' to see if they were 'worthy' enough of being parents.

It's horrible what they make people go through - every time I think of it I recall a tweetie who once tweeted (or blogged, and I'm quoting VERY loosely so if it's YOU then I'm sorry if I get it wrong!!) "All I need to do to get preggo is buy a 6 pack, start smoking crack, and have sex in the back seat of a car." It sure seems like people far far FAAARR less worthy of being parents are given the gift of a child on an all too frequent basis. But I am digressing. This is for another post.

The fact that I have always known that I am adopted has made much of my life a series of questions. Up until recently, only CLOSED adoptions were permitted in Ontario. This meant that I know nothing about my birth parents, where they came from, or how they lived. I've always wondered, who am I "supposed" to be? I have always had these 'urges'. I've always been drawn to a life far from the one I'm living, intrigued by different lifestyles (often ones which seem to make my parents cringe). Where do these urges come from?
More recently, as I'm getting older I'm starting to also really want to know what I'll look like 5, 10, 15 years from now. I have no way of knowing.

What little I do know sparks my curiosity even more. When I read the disclosure from the Children's Aid Social Worker who was in charge of the adoption all those years ago, I get shivers down my spine reading the many similarities between myself and these two youngsters, my birth parents (I'm now about 8 years older than they were when they had me).

It is not easy to find people in Toronto, despite the fact that I now know the name of my birth mother and where she was born, and where she lived when I was born.
Especially people who may not want to be found. And I am scared to find out that she doesn't want to be found, so thus far I am just sitting on the information I have, holding it close, but not too close.

It seems like I do that with a lot of things - hold them close, but not too close. My animals are an exception to that. But with people I have a hard time (as you know if you follow my tweets.) I wonder how much of that has to do with my adoption. I wonder how much of my inherent loneliness comes from my adoption. I wonder if I cling to the wrong people sometimes because I still have unconscious (and sometimes conscious) feelings of abandonment.

Despite the fact that I have loving parents and family, I had plenty of everything growing up, I got a top notch education, and I always had all the necessities I needed, I still wonder.

I don't want to come across here as being anti-adoption. I am far from that. I think that adoption is a wonderful way of making sure that children are loved and cared for, which in my option should be the #1 priority in our world. I just really feel that children need to know where they come from, and what their genetic story is.

Lets face it, there are just certain things that there is no escaping from, and genetic make up is one of those things. I have never been able to answer the question "Is there any heart disease, cancer, diabetes (etc etc) in your family?" I would really like to be able to one day.

I would like to know my story - my WHOLE story, not just the details that my Mom remembers of after I was born, but all the details, of my heritage, my history.

I feel as if I live my life as a series of unanswered possibilities.
If I knew that my birth parents were doctors, for instance, would that have made me more motivated to stay in University and pursue a more demanding (and respectable) career? Was it the fact that I knew that my birth mother got pregnant at a young age that made me feel like I should be sexually mature and experience before my time? Did those feelings lead me down certain destructive paths I have taken in my life?

As I mentioned before, I've always felt a pull towards a lifestyle vastly different from the one I was raised in. Perhaps if I knew what kind of lifestyle my birth parents lived I would not feel so estranged .Maybe I'd relax, knowing that I'm not doing anything 'wrong' but just living differently than my Mom & Dad would have preferred. Maybe if I knew that my birth parents lead a similar life to mine I would not feel so guilty for having disobeyed my Mom & Dad.

Maybe I'd feel my destiny for a change.

So many questions, so many curiosities. I'm not sure what I will do with them, but for now they remain floating in my head, waiting for the right moment to reveal itself.

I love my Mom & Dad, so that right moment may never actually arrive due to the pain that I feel it may cause them. I'm not sure that they will ever understand my need to find out where I come from. I don't blame them- they did an amazing job raising and taking care of me and it must feel a like abandonment to them when they think about my curiosity.

But all the same, that curiosity is growing daily. Especially when I am faced with judgments from my family about how I live my life. And when I am faced with feeling alone, lonely, different. I have never really felt comfortable being entirely 'myself' around my parents, or my extended family. There has always been a filter to protect them from my cussing, my rage, my insecurities, my doubts, my wildness, my occasional vulgarity, my inner party girl. I wonder whether or not that filter would be there if they were my birth parents.

The notion of unconditional love also makes me ponder. There have been countless ups and downs in the small unit of our family, and my Mom & Dad have professed unconditional love throughout them all. But yet, despite their claims, I feel that I am somehow substandard, not achieving enough, not quite the package that they were hoping for 29+ years ago when they were awarded the greatest gift of their lives.

I'm not sure what I had hoped to achieve by writing this post. There isn't a definite point here. I feel it's important to share the views of an adult adoptee (of a closed adoption).

So many wonderful ladies who I have met through my own battle with infertility have begun their adoption journey. Some have been struggling through their journey for far too long already. I hope that I haven't stepped on any feelings with this post, and again I'll re-iterate that I am certainly NOT anti-adoption. I just wanted to open up a discussion between us all because I have faith that every last one of you amazing women hoping to adopt will one day hold a baby in your arms. And that baby may one day grow up to have the curiosities and questions that I have. I feel it's important for those curiosities and questions to be explored together, and maybe this discussion can help prepare for that day.

My life on this blog has always been an open book to you all, I hope that my honesty and openness about this slightly touchy subject is not in any way hurtful or painful for any of you, my dear readers. Please join in on my discussion of adoption, whether it be from the point of view of an adopted person, or an adoptive parent.

blargh.

2010-06-02T18:43:00.000-04:00

Prepare yourselves.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I feel guilty about both of the above.
I'm not sure where the guilt is coming from - story of my life.

This post may be a doozy.

I haven't blogged in a week. Yesterday was a week since Sessie had to be put down. I have been moping through, trying to be 'normal' ever since.

I even went on a mini-camping trip this weekend, which turned into more of a booze fest/stay up all night like teenagers trip. Not exactly what the doctor ordered for me. Not saying it wasn't fun, but now I gotta add recovering from a party weekend to the list of other stuff going on in my mixed up head.

I miss Sess terribly every day. Every time something in my life went wrong she was such a strong support to me. She was always there through my workdays which more often than not are incredibly frustrating, boring & upsetting. I miss her little voice. She'd so often wake up from a cat nap and say "prrrow?" really softly from her spot on the armrest of the couch right beside where I do most of my work. I really miss that. It reminded me to breath sometimes when things are work are just too overwhelming. And I miss having her as a reminder of my life before D. I feel like I've all but lost the woman I was before. She was the last concrete link.

I have been withdrawing (other than on Saturday night when I was quite outgoing in my smirnoff ice induced mood). My tweeties may or may not have noticed that I'm kinda quiet. (For a change...) I don't know what to say! Everything that comes out of my mouth feels like a complaint, and since I know so many people on Twitter who are going through such hard times I would rather be a supporter than a complainer.

But I don't really know how at the moment. Nothing feels good. Everything feels faked, forced, frusterating. And my fuse is extremely short. EXTREMELY. Like.. maybe non-existent. Don't light a match around me. I'll blow.

Today when D got back from work we were short with each other. And now he's gone out for the evening leaving me to stew. This is a very bad bad thing. I don't stew well.

I've been trying to throw myself into work but it's frustrating knowing that I have no financial control or freedom, despite my immense responsibility to this company. I am resentful. This makes me not want to work, but the thought of having free time to think is terrifying me.

All in all - I'm pretty toxic at the moment.
And in an effort to not toxify you, my dear readers, I will say goodbye now and hope that the next time I write I'll be a little (or a lot!! Fingers crossed!) aggravated.

Saddest Wordless Wednesday of my life.

2010-05-26T08:07:00.000-04:00

I miss her so much.

I don't know how I will cope.

She was my best friend & constant companion.

She was there for me through times when everyone else walked away from me.

She stayed by my side all the time as I worked.

She greeted me every time I came home, or in the morning when I woke up.

I don't have many human friends in real life, this feels like I lost my best friend.

I can't believe how much this hurts.

I will always hold you in my heart.

You were the best cat I ever could've asked for, and you're the reason I like cats

(used to be a dog only gal, then I got Sess and she melted my heart...

and helped me get rid of my allergy to cats!)

I love you my Sessie girl.

I'm featured!

2010-05-19T08:08:00.003-04:00

I'm so flattered.

I have never been featured on a blog before!

Many thanks to @nutritionist_kt!

She featured my recipe for the green smoothie that

I have been enjoying every morning this week.

Here's the link if you want to try it out!

She has a ton of great tips and info on her site!

Take a look around while you're there.

Flower Power Friday

2010-05-14T09:34:00.002-04:00

Flowers always make me feel better.

In the depths of sadness they remind me of the beauty in the simplicity of life.

Even if just for a few moments they prove that peace on earth is possible, even if only for a split second. Even if only in my heart. (and the hearts of others like me)

I've been wanting to start some kind of weekly ritual on my blog as I feel I have kind of lost momentum in the last little while. I love #Tattoo Tuesdays, but, alas, I am chicken girl, I have no ink so I can't participate in that one (yet! I've always said I'll get a tattoo of my child(ren)'s names 'cuz I those are sure to stay the same forever!)

Last Sunday, Mother's Day, as I was busying myself preparing my Mom's and Bubby's gifts, some blossoms fell off of one of the hanging baskets I bought. They were so beautiful I had to immortalize them and thus....

is born!

I'll upload pictures that I have either photographed myself, or photos from famous photographers that I love. Feel free to join in and I hope you enjoy!

and sorry if you follow me on facebook and have already seen these.

I love them. I'm proud of them. I will show them off.

Girlfriends

2010-05-13T12:58:00.000-04:00

As you know I've been stuck in bed for days.
Yesterday I ventured out only to realize that walking around in the state that I'm in, even if just down the elevator to the car, is a BAAAAD idea, so today I'm back to couch city. But today I don't have my faithful man servant by my side (*sob*) and thus I have been fending for my self this morning.

What a miserable state of affairs. I hobble. I moan. I whine.

I'm actually really glad to be home alone 'cuz I'm so embarassed about my baby-ish behaviour.

But seriously? Hand foot mouth disease BITES THE BIG ONE.
It's painful. It's itchy. It's hot. It's cold.
I sound like a man.

And the whole time I just keep thinking....
DAMN I wish I still had a best friend.

Some of you know that I have recently shed a toxic friendship with a woman I was close with for a few years. This is not the relationship I am missing. I am actually rather relieved to be rid of the drama.   But seeing as how I don't feel like I can ask my mom to come over and help (she has Multiple Sclerosis and really and truly shouldn't be exposed to my feverish self for her own health's sake) I am really missing the assistance of a female. A girlfriend. D can be wonderful, but sometimes a girlfriend is just needed.
And there is a girlfriend who wants to help. A girlfriend who could help. A girlfriend who has helped me before.

Here's the problem. D hates her.   See, he has known her a lot longer than I have. And has known her through different phases in her life.   Phases she isn't proud of. Phases I'm glad I wasn't around for.   She's still kind of a party girl, but that's part of what I love so much about her. She's fun. But she's more serious now than the girl that D remembers. She's a mom now.   And though, I'll admit, she's still not the most responsible person I know, she's definitely a far cry from what D claims her to be.

We used to be really close, before D and I moved in together.   I'm not proud to admit it, but I let my relationship with D come before my friendship with her. In the last several months I have been trying to rectify that fact, and she is more than happy to have our friendship back - at least a little bit. And I feel lucky that she's not holding a grudge. But then again, I'm not sure if I"m being naive in thinking that she's just happy to be in contact again 'cuz she likes me - D seems to think it's because she wants to use me.

We were supposed to see each other for the first time in almost 2 years this past Tuesday, but as I got sick I had to cancel. She was totally understanding and since then has been texting me every day to ask if I need anything, or even just want company. I told her I was contagious and didn't want her or her daughter to catch it from me - she said she'd wear a mask or just stay a short time to bring me stuff. Doesn't sound like someone who wants to use me - but I don't know who to trust. If you've read my tweets over the last few days you'll know that I really could use someone's help right now. D is so busy with work, and so am I, that I haven't fully been able to rest and try to recover from the HFMD.

So I'm left with this dilemma. My initial thoughts were that I would become friends with her, but as D didn't feel comfortable with her in our home, I would limit our friendship to coffee and outings away from my apartment. But now that I've been sick, and she's being so kind, I'm so tempted to ask her to come over. But I don't want D to be upset about the whole scenario. And I don't want to use her.

Has anyone been faced with something like this before?
I'm so torn. I can't decide if I shed the friendship under false pretenses or whether I was correct in listening to D's words of advice.
And now I'm left wondering - am I revisiting this friendship because I'm lonely and want a girlfriend to hang out with? Or do I really miss the girlfriend in question? And is she worth stirring up a conflict within my relationship with D?

I really know how to keep things complicated! Never a dull moment over here in the nutshell...

Sicko

2010-05-11T16:01:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not talking about the Michael Moore flick.
I'm talking bout me.

Right after I pulled myself from out of the dark clutches of depression, WHAM

The flu.
Full blown, sweating buckets while shaking under a thick winter duvet, flu.
I haven't felt like this in at least a decade.
It's enough to make me want my Mommy (but had to suppress this urge, as cleaning my whole house to be white-glove-able is soooo not something I was gonna do!)

So my plans to get on track with blogging and twitter is derailed once more as my head hurts so bad that it feels like my eyeballs might give up on their sockets and just walk away.
And I won't even tell you what my tonsils want to do to my throat. It's criminal.

And thus, I leave you after this brief, forced, and kinda whiny post....
I just felt like I needed to reconnect with y'all, even if just for a moment.
And let ya know I'm still alive! (in case you haven't been following my bitchy flu-induced rantings on Twitter!)

Till better days. <3

Easing back in...

2010-05-06T21:40:00.000-04:00

I've been climbing, slowly, cautiously, out of the black hole I fell into about a week ago.

Did y'all miss me?

I have missed you. It's amazing how much perspective I gain through my one-sided conversations with you (via Twitter it's more two-sided, at least - helping me maintain the belief that I don't spend the MAJORITY of my time talking to my cats... only part of my time :P)

Still, I'm not ready for a full expose of what's been up.
I can't yet explain my MIA status on Twitter and in the blogosphere.
I'm not sure what happened; what's happening; what will happen.
It's as if my mind is stuck in a partial fog, preventing me from opening up.
Aside from the few rants I've had on Twitter I've been pretty quiet for the last little while. In real life, as well as cyberspace.
Introspective, but cautious.
Diving too deep into my psyche has proven dangerous for me in the past.

I'm not sure what prompted this particular delve into the dark (other than perhaps the video of my fat ass that I watched post-hike... I thought I was over being depressed about my body since D seems to be a big fan either way, but apparently not... )

I really don't know. I'm all confused.

But I know this -
I got some KICK ASS photos (other than my #beingabigfathugewhalesucks photos)
And now I shall share them with you.

Help me climb the rest of my way outta the hole!
I've been planning, plotting & scheming a doozie of a post for when I do finally have my wits back and about me - or at least 75% of 'em... So pad my ego and leave some love!
<3

#beingabigfathugewhalesucks

2010-04-26T10:12:00.000-04:00

I'm in a dark hole that I am digging further and further into.
Went for a hike on Saturday, and despite many AMAZING photos, and good company, the one thing that is sticking in my brain are the (earth-shattering-reality-bringing) images of me on the video that D took.
I'm a ginormous fat blob.
I can't believe I let myself get like this.
I weeble. I wobble.
And I was fucking sore yesterday. After a WALK.
And I'm totally stuck in a job that perpetuates my lifestyle of sitting at home, eating, and being depressed. And not having enough time for myself - despite a clear need.

And...
I'm officially too depressed at the moment to be insightful. ...

to be continued......

ps. I posted this to reach out to anyone who may feel like this at times too. You're never alone. And neither am I. Sorry for the uber depressing nature, but it happens to all of us from time to time.