Tales From The Dark Side

Players vs. Playboys

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:23:22 PDT

One of the worst parts about getting older is that it is tougher to be the player or playa. A player is someone who meets, dates, and or beds a lot of women - using nothing but game. His looks, his flash, his talk, his walk are all he needs to get the ladies. Money and fame are unnecessary for a player. In fact, one can't be a real player if he is rich and famous - because money and/or fame draw women all on their own. No rich or famous man is ever alone, no matter how lonely he may feel inside.

For example, five years ago I could get something going with a girl I just met out at Starbucks, and hit a home run by the end of the day. Now, it's nice dinners and exotic vacations for women I already know. I can afford it, but it still feels like I am working too hard. I've seen Cheaters, I know what attractive women will settle for.

But that's the playboy lifestyle - getting women by providing things they wouldn't get on their own. Which is how an oldass man like Hugh Hefner can intimidate a young strong black man like Hank Baskitt. Hank may have the physicality and some serious cash, but he can't compete with old money and power - no matter how decrepit Hefner looks.

I am looking to find someone to get out the game for a while - and it looks like I will have to play to my strengths.

Damn, Being Fat Sucks

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 01:14:49 PDT

I turned 30 today. I am celebrating by writing this blog post in a nice hotel near the Dallas Love airport. Since I am on a work trip, I had drinks with a co-worker while exploring the yuppy parts of town and then came back to relax in the hotel sauna and jacuzzi. Relaxing in the water, I thought about my life and how it is going so far.

I am still single, but thankfully so. Thus far 90% of my friends who committed to women before they turned 30 have been in tragically failed relationships and marriages.

I have assembled an interesting and relatively lucrative career in the private sector, one with upper management potential but a strong work-life balance.

I achieved one of my life goals, learning to fence, and now I am learning to be a great fencer.

One of my biggest failures in my younger life was the inability to keep a journal. Well, thanks to the WWW and Google, you are reading it now.

I've never had a lot of money growing up, and while I am not a millionaire (yet), I don't really want for anything.

But looking back, especially since someone posted my 3rd grade picture on Facebook, I remember there was a time I couldn't do a push-up, pull-up, or even a decent sit-up. I couldn't run a mile under a double digit time, and I was last picked at a lot of sports. I got teased a bit, but never much because I had way too much self-esteem to take anyone's crap. But I was realistic enough to know they had a point. My parents, Dad especially, pushed academics over all - and the idea of me joining a Pop Warner football team or the local youth baseball team was out of the question. So if I didn't give my all in PE class during the school year, I was screwed because there wasn't much opportunity for athletic activity during the blistering hot Missouri summers.

Once I went to college, I got more involved in sports, and spent more time in the gym and in IMs. I even spent time in the Army ROTC program, doing PT in the early morning and posting the fastest run times of my life. But while the new habits were developing, they were in their infancy. With a busy class, work, and later fraternity schedule, it became that much harder to make regular exercise a priority.

Work was worse. Traveling can be fun, and getting upgraded on every other flight is a good feeling - but one doesn't order a salad when out with old sales guys. Every hotel I've stayed in for work has facilities - but after long meetings, and drinks, and etc. - it's hard to take advantage. Travel alone can sap energy, add the high calorie low nutrition meals, work stress, and interruptions to routine and it takes a ton of discipline to force oneself to the hotel gym, or to the usual one after you arrive at home.

The travel slowed way down when I was in Minneapolis, and I feel safe in saying that Minneapolis is probably the healthiest city in America. This is completely ironic given that I know a TON of smokers up there, and they drink cheap Grain Belt beer like water. However, the opportunities to get and stay in shape are in your face. I learned to fence in Minneapolis after all. In the city, damn near everyone is in shape. And you see active people outside 12 months out of the year. Keep in mind they only get 2 months of summer up there. Plus I had a fantastic boss who allowed me time to drive to the main office to use their state of the art fitness center during lunch.

Me in the best shape of my life outside the military.

With working out at the fencing club 3 times a week (not including competitions), at the company gym three times a week, at the apartment gym twice a week, and participating in company IM sports and going to the dance clubs at night (and actually dancing) I finally started moving the needle. It had zero effect on my dating life (strangely that was never a problem), but my self-worth went through the roof. I wasn't thin by any means, but I felt at home in my own skin - which means almost as much.

In Atlanta, things changed. A higher profile and more stressful position in Atlanta killed my routine. Not to mention making new friends who'd rather spend hours at the bar drinking beers than running around a frozen lake in the dead of winter. After a couple years, I took some great advice and left my job to take a couple months off to myself. My particular discipline is rare in my industry, so I didn't worry every day about finding a new job. Instead I woke up at 11am everyday, went for a long swim (largely teaching myself how), came back to the house to cook breakfast, watched Charmed for a couple hours (Rose McGowan is my girl!), answered phonecalls from headhunters, hit the gym, grabbed dinner, hit the fencing club, and then finished the evening exploring the Atlanta nightlife. As a result I got back down to my fighting weight and had fun at the same time. I had a brief uptick when I started working again, but without the travel it was easier to establish a schedule.

Then, I got an email out of the blue. That led to a classic offer I couldn't refuse. They offered Money, and Money to do something I was very comfortable doing was hard to turn down. Especially since the big stressor in my life at that point was a shortage of money. I wasn't broke, I just didn't have any room for error. I once cursed out my date under my breath when I realized that it was going way over budget AND was going nowhere, fast. (She heard me, and I haven't heard from her since.) After the new job, I weighed myself twice a day, and held the line on my weight until the stress started piling on. With a director harping on me like his career depended on it (unfortunately, it ultimately did), it was hard to make the excuse between hitting the hotel and dinner to work out. And I was so exhausted in the morning, it took huge amounts of self-discipline to wake up early before meeting the next day. Then I found out that my scale was giving wrong numbers - I knew something was wrong all along.

When I graduated school, I promised myself I would have this fat problem licked by the time I'm 30. I am not rolling around in a damn Rascal, but I have more fat on me than is attractive, and I don't feel at home in my own skin. Which means I only really feel at home when I am asleep or completely drunk. Guess what I do alot? However, I am still fencing, and I am in the drivers' seat at my job so if I need to finish the day early to hit the gym, I can. Plus I was never so enamored with food that I had to give up anything to diet. In other words, right now is my best opportunity to get fit without having to call plastic surgeons. Which is what I promised myself I would look at if I don't have this licked by age 31.

America is a superficial place. You can murder your wife, kill some puppies, drunkenly run over responsible mothers and fathers, and get a free pass. Gain a few pounds, and now you're LenWhale White who can't do anything right. And women have it worse then men. Even at my fattest (Indy I think), I was dating a hot petite blonde who blew me in a Denny's parking lot just because I was sweet to her. Nevermind I just got back from a trip to STL where I basically cheated on her with a petite brunette. Overweight women at worst are marginalized to the point of inspiring suicide, at best they are subject to secret jokes about motorscooters. Call me an asshole, but I'm not wrong. Hell, Kim Kardashian has a figure that makes me cry from my penis, but the media treats her like the Armenian Roseanne Barr. If she still gets shit, who is immune? Let's not forget, the rise, fall, and renaissance of Britney Spears can be charted entirely by her Body Mass Index.

Her life sucks. Period.

After all this reflection and writing. the wildest thing that came to mind is that for me, losing the extra fat pounds and keeping them off forever is a more important life goal to me than getting rich, maximizing my career, seeing the world, or even making new friends. Not because I am suddenly superficial (I always was), but because that's really what is gonna take. I have a neighbor who does nothing but work and work out, and she regrets every extra glass of wine she drinks because of how hard she will have to work it off. I used to make fun of her, but today I get it.

Just to show I am not just being a dick, obesity is the number one health problem in America. It's bigger than AIDS, bigger than cancer, bigger than even swine flu. It affects all ages, except the elderly simply because obese folks don't live as long. It's the only aspect of American life that is stopping us from being totally superior to the French. And as some jackass in a red "No Chubbies" shirt pointed out, it's not even included in the health reform debates on Capitol Hill. And it's an awful way to live.

It's not for me.

Chasing the Booze Fairy

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:12:00 PDT

As I get older, I am becoming less and less of a cheap bastard. Sometimes, that bottle of wine really is worth the three digit price. Ordering a shot for the hot girl with one foot out the bar door is sometimes just what it takes to turn that into both arms around my shoulders. And from the other end, nothing gets a guy's attention quicker than a girl willing to buy a round.

So while limited tastings in non-retail venues are a complete waste, limited tastings in a bar or a club really are a bonus, especially if the party is rockin'. The AMSTERDAM LIVE! promotion at Opera was a good example of that. They advertised free beer weeks ahead, only to change to "1000 free Amstel Lights" at the last second. The intention was to have 1000 folks each get one beer. The reality was that if you spoke with every hot girl in a Dutch style outfit (minus the wooden shoes), you would get a free beer. I was having an off night and only got two.

Even so, what I wonder is what kind of folks I am running into at these things. When I first discovered these parties back in, dear Lord and liver 2005, it was about enjoying the finer things in life and having a good time with real drunkards. Now it seems like these parties are frequented less by cheap bastards and more by broke assholes. At least a cheap bastard is looking for maximum value - a broke asshole can't afford value. Simply put, the Booze Fairy is meant for folks to subsidize, not completely fund it. After all, if you only go out for free events, then there is no upside for a company to pay for them.

While I resist with revolutionary fervor the move towards "limited" and "one only" tastings, I get it. So the next cool event in ATL I won't advertise, but I will be sure to tell you about it the next day.

Boss Summer

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 22:28:10 PDT

Sorry it's been a while since I last updated. Personally, I am considering shutting the site down. In terms of revenue it pretty much breaks even, and in terms of getting women it breaks even there too. The one cool thing is that it serves as a great diary - I apparently have forgotten most of the cool stuff that I wrote about four years ago. Alcohol will do that. So will memory repression.

But, I did want to update you folks on my summer so far. It was pretty interesting after Memorial Day. Rather than tell three months worth of stories in one post, I figured I would do an extended version of "Like A Boss," as seen above. Just pretend Andy Samberg is saying "like a boss" after every line.

Do fraternity stuff!
Meet a Jewish chick!
Roll the dice!
Come up snake eyes!
Ride an ATV!
Nearly kill myself!
Everyone laughs!
Give silent treatment!

No Memorial Day plans!
Hang with married friends!
Play with kids!
Drink beer bongs with wives!
Pass out in front of baby!

Find Henessey party!
Get crunk for free!
Meet big tittied milf!
MOTORBOAT!
In front of Frank Ski!
Called out on Facebook!
Lose her number!

Head to Austin!
Hang with cute blonde!
Get drunk!
On Captain 100!
Moon a Taco Bell!
Make my eye explode!
Eat some brunch!

Fence in Dallas!
Win a team bout!
Lose the next one!
Eat a big cookie!

Fly to Minneapolis!
Riding First Class!
Party with nrgflow!
Grind on an Asian chick!
Hit the strip club!
Drink some coffee!
Time for sleep!

Hit Lake Minnetonka!
I'm on a boat! (MUTHAFUKA!)
Drink some Captain!
Dance with hot chicks!
Throw up over the side!

Eat some chicken wings!
Dance with a milf!
Sneak her on the boat!
Things get awkward!

Kick her off the boat!
Meet a model!
Bring her on the boat!
Make out at party!
Cops arrive!
Shut us down!
Everyone passes out!
No place to cuddle!
Sleep in galley!

Drive to New Orleans!
Get fuckin' lost!
Sleep in rest area!
Hang with fraternity!
Grab some beads!
Meet some foreign chicks!
Make them kiss for beads!
I'm king of town!

Yeah, what started out as a boring crappy summer actually turned out pretty cool. And I still have a job, which is nice. Also this is my favorite picture of the summer.

Yeah, I'm doing something in this pic.

Now there are better pics from the summer, but this one captures the absolute glee I experienced while dragging others into my good time, for their own benefit of course. Still, as fun as things can be, I still work my ass off, and I really need to spend more time cleaning and doing other responsible things. Don't be surprised if I finally decide to throw in the towel on this thing.

This is AWESOME

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 13:10:25 PDT

I know I am a little late on this - but I can't get videos at work and the original format sucked so I couldn't see it at home. But, finally, on The Tales is my boy Quinton Rampage Jackson doing the bump and grind with Heather Nichols...

EMBED-Rampage Dry Humps Cagepotato Reporter - Watch more free videos
"I feel like there's still bitches that owe me sex..."

Awesome, right? Ok, fine, Ms. Nichols was completely uncomfortable, and only smiled to maintain some semblance of a professional demeanor. Listen, the guy's name is Rampage, a man who not only beats guys to a pulp for money and fame, but goes on actual rampages in his Rampage truck in his free time. If you are a hot girl and you want him to stop rubbing his semi against you, you might need a couple shrill screams and some pepper spray to the eyes to get his attention.

That said, I grinned from ear to ear watching this. Reminds me of every fraternity party I've ever attended.

Happy Birthday Alex Gidewon! Thanks Door44!

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:38:54 PDT

I don't do many birthday shout outs (outside my own) on here - so let me elaborate.

King Midas, blessed with the golden touch, learned he was cursed after his touch starved him of food, water, and physical affection.

When looking for a key place in the nightlife scene - a man wants good relatively cheap drinks, good music, and hot women.

What Door44 provided was an open bar, more hot girls in a higher concentration than I have never seen outside a sorority house, and top flight hip hop and R&B (including MJ tunes) from midnight on. The only problem was that there wasn't much room to move, much less dance - although we all made the attempt. Plus without any clear walkways, brush-ups were constant, especially with women well endowed. By the end of the night my scapula had an erection.

Unfortunately, it was Thursday, so I had to get to bed before closing any deals. So much the better, the cops were out in force.

Still, it was the best party in Atlanta last night, by a country mile.

Drunk Facebooking? Good Idea?

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:12:41 PDT

This is probably a really bad idea. And I'm gonna stop.

The first time was over New Year's Eve 2008. I was out at Twisted Taco after my married friends have gone home, and I was chatting up the hot and sexy bartender who always remembers my captain and coke. A cute girl home on break from Imperial College in London decided to chat me up to, and while one should always go for the gold (the bartender is a solid 9, SmartyPants was a solid 7), a bartender is never a bird in the hand unless you are already dating her. Anyway, after lots of flirting - she convinced me to add her to my Facebook, right there in the bar. Nevermind my address, phone number, email and other assorted info was there.

Being that it was New Years Eve, I got pulled into another conversation, which led to fun and raunchy talk, pictures, and finally 1st base. Then 2nd - as I was still standing at the bar. Needless to say, SmartyPants removed me as a friend as soon as she got to a computer.

Then there was the brunette cougar MILF I met at Twisted Taco in April - base hit, then she's added to my Facebook and has a picture with me! A few weeks after that the girl from the Hennessy Black party adds me on her Blackberry right at the bar. Then another double hit landing me on second base, next to the bar, and Frank Ski.

Adding the HennessyGirl was a win because then I got to see how she blamed her behaviour that night on the cognac. Adding BCMilf was not necessarily a win because I never saw her again, she untagged her name from our shared picture, and rather than forgetting about her like a normal guy - her info in my newsfeed is a constant reminder of her existence. On top of all that she is now dating someone else. Not that I'm jealous, I just don't want Facebook to make me decide if I should care.

Not that I add every girl I date to my Facebook, else I would be in trouble... But now I am in the situation where I am trying to decide if it is worth deleting them all together.

Ebert Can Suck it - Transformers Rocked

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:32:12 PDT

Soundwave. Rumble. Jetfire. Devastator. Primus. Ironhide. All new arrivals to live action from cartoons, all ruled.

Shia LeBeouf did a great job carrying the story. Megan Fox is fucking hot as hell, and she was fantastic as a lead actress. The supporting actors' performances ranged from acceptibly mediocre to fantastic.

The story was admittedly hard to follow, sorta like Transformers meets Angels and Demons, but Michael Bay managed to bring it all together towards the end. Fans of the canon were able to better follow along once old names and icons (like the Matrix of Leadership) were introduced.

A lot of these supernatural movies have a civilian government (sometimes military) guy who is a pompous ass that turns out to fuck everything up. Transformers:ROTF has one too. Ever notice the movies that make federal officials into bad guys always get bad reviews in the mainstream press?

Just sayin'.

I Need New Friends

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:23:09 PDT

First, an apology for my regular readers. Sorry for slacking off for the last 11 months or so. Life has been ridiculously depressing over that period of time. Much of it was work related (hey, still have a job), but the biggest part was struggling with the time/money balance, while not losing my mind. I think I am finally off the Grand Funk Railroad, so I hopefully will update more often with stories of exploits and thoughts on the news of the day.

Speaking of exploits - I am no longer allowed to make fun of the perverts on here who have a love jones for Hellen Mirren. Let's just say I can't run all that fast and that they call them cougars for a reason.

The biggest deal is that I need new friends. Not that my old ones suck, although they kinda do, but here in Atlanta there are few folks who have both the time, means, and desire to truly explore what this city has to offer. I feel like every time I hang with someone - I am introducing them to a well established part of the city. That's fine and dandy for my friends from out of town, or a first date, or someone fresh from college. But until I get paid as a nightlife tour guide, I would like to hang with folks who know the scene and the deal. At least once a quarter.

Len Bias and the Party Culture

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 11:17:55 PDT

It took long enough, but I finally saw The Wrestler on TiVo/Amazon Video on Demand. FYI, Video on Demand takes laziness to a whole new level - why get off your ass to get the mail from Netflix when you can just press a few buttons and get any movie you want without leaving the couch? It's beautiful!

Mickey Rourke kicked all kinds of ass, Marissa Tomei is getting old, but the scene that stuck with me was the one at the bar when Rourke's "Ram" is doing shots of tequila with the sexy yet slightly chub blonde. And then in absolute amazement, I watched as Ram relives an exchange I had almost three years ago.

Girl: So, you want to party?
Ram: What do you mean, "party?"
Girl: (While grinding herself into him) Party like a fireman party!

Only in the movie, the two proceed to snort a little coke and bang like rockstars in the bathroom. In my real life, I had no fucking clue how to answer my sexy yet slightly chub blonde's question, and after five minutes of Q&A to discern how much of a nerd I am in her personal partying power rankings we decided to go to Halo where I ditched her, came home, and wrote this post.

So of course, watching Mickey Rourke and his AARP ass bang that 20something blonde just pissed me off, not because I am a playahata but because I began to feel like I really did fuck up with my blonde cokefiend. (To her credit, she did make at least two attempts to reconcile and hang out again. I really am a dick.) And there as the actress is bent over moaning on my TV, all I could think is what possessed me to not even consider trying a little nosecandy, especially when I was assured of a similar experience? (The bar where we met was around the corner from my house.) Then it came to me, Len Bias.

Len Bias, the anti-drug poster child of the mid 1980s. He is the reason millions of kids growing up in my generation stayed away from drugs. Bill Simmons expounds on Bias' impact on sports, but the key is that Bias was drafted by the Boston Celtics for millions, decided to celebrate, and two days and five grams of coke later he was dead. The way the media and my parents told it, it was his first time, his friends pushed it on him, and I don't wanna end up like him. Essentially, the idea that cocaine was more poisonous than hydrochloric acid and peer pressure will get you killed is the legacy Len Bias left to America - fueling the D.A.R.E, "Just Say No", and M.A.D.D./S.A.D.D. campaigns in the 80s and 90s.

Twenty years after the fact, sitting at the Fox and Hound on Wednesday night, I won't mess with this girl because I don't want to end up like Len Bias. Then I hear that Len Bias may have been quite the cokefiend himself, and his last time was certainly not his first. Then Lew Rockwell publishes a story and study that refutes the cocaine as absolute poison mythology. So messing with drugs didn't kill him. Going overboard like Tony Montana killed him. This fact turns the narrative from a successful young man who broke bad into a case of your garden variety overdose. A Len Bias story is unbelievable and has implications and ripple effects for decades. An overdose story isn't much of a story anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I am not in the market for a dealer. I've lived 29 years without touching hard drugs, there is no real incentive for me to break that streak now. I just hate the fact that many of those years were not due to the realities of drugs, but because some bureaucrats in Washington just wanted to make a point. Cockblockers.

Heading to Texas in Two Weeks

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 07:34:01 PDT

Hey folks, I will be in Austin the week of July 4th, ahead of a fencing competition in Dallas. I've never been to Austin on a weekend, so hopefully Patton Oswald hasn't steered me wrong!

Quotes From The Weekend

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 13:04:43 PDT

MissDaisy came down to the ATL for a visit - and a mild amount of hilarity ensued.

(At the airport)
Coletrain: You have one carry-sized bag, why did you check it? Too many beauty products?
Miss Daisy: It wouldn't fit in the overhead.
Coletrain: You gotta force it in, like a rapist.
Miss Daisy: (also on phone with girl) Yeah, you heard that right.

(At Mr. C's, watching a hot blonde in a Georgia Tech lowcut blouse expose herself, one breast at a time)

Miss Daisy: Yeah, that's right in my wheelhouse.
(Coletrain sends her a shot, she drinks it with friends, leaves)
Coletrain: I sent her the shot of Jager so she'd show MORE boob, not less!

Coletrain: So, what advice do you have for this new bartender here?
Bartender #1: Show lots of boob. Lots.
Coletrain: I love you.

(At Dam Bar and Grill)

Coletrain: (Looks around to all the 50 plus folks dancing to Nelly) So, ummm, what's the deal with tonight? I've never been here before.
Cute Bartender: Please come back! It's just swinger night.
Coletrain: Really?
CB: Yeah. Saturday nights usually aren't this sexual... well, they are, but not gross.

(A la hacienda)
B-Ru: So why do the Irish hate the English so much.
Miss Daisy: Well, they did call us the n-ggers of Europe.
Coletrain: Well, you kinda are...
Miss Daisy: (pregnant silence)
B-Ru: What the hell?!?!

Blame It On The Rain, Not the A-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:13:25 PDT

For god's sake, it ain't kool aid. It ain't even frat house kool aid. There are signs everywhere that say "Hennessy" in silver letters. Even the glass you are drinking out of says "Hennessy Black" in silver letters. And like any cognac, Hennessy Black is strong. I even remarked to my boy as we entered Door 44 that the place smelt like Jiffy Lube (because many cognacs go down like motor oil, you see). Now, while the Hennessy Black Ice cocktail served up is absolutely delicious - I never forgot that if I have too many of these, I will get f'd completely up.

Then I met these two women in their forties and we started hanging out because most folks inside were dressed all in black. The two girls had colorful dresses on, and I was sporting a pink herringbone Hugo Boss shirt. We kinda stood out. Drink one I was talking to one of them, drink two we were dancing. I stopped at drink three, but an hour later we were making out and I was doing things that have gotten me slapped on dates before. But the whole time she was worried about the fact she knew half the people in the room, and Frank Ski (from the morning show) was watching me feel her up. All I could think was that I don't care, I listen to Steve Harvey in the mornings. Then comes the "I'm a bad guy" talk as she can't stop touching me.

After about ten years of drinkin', one of the biggest lessons I learned is that alcohol doesn't change who you are, it only reveals your most inner self. I don't care what Mel Gibson said. Now yes, alcohol can impair motor functions so you shouldn't drive; and alcohol has the mean affect of improving sexual desire but fucking with sexual performance, but full speed ahead. But if you call a guy in a bar a motherfucker and take a swing at him, you probably didn't like him sober. And if you are a girl shoving your tongue down a guy's throat, you either liked him sober or you just needed some attention. As for me, she may have not been my type, but I wanted to touch that decolletage sober and after a few drinks I forgot about the consequences and went for it.

In short, don't blaspheme the Booze Fairy and blame "the dark liqour" you didn't have to drink (or pay for) for getting buck wild at a limited guest list party you didn't have to attend. At best it makes you a hypocrite, and at worst it makes you no fun at all.

Few Additives Taste Better Than Free

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 20 May 2009 14:38:08 PDT

Pineapple infused vodka? Skyy Vodka? No thanks, I'm a Stoli man. Free exclusive party? Free, you say... why not.

Actually, vodka for me is only useful as an antiseptic and the main ingredient in bloody mary's and non lethal punches. However, I love a good party, and as noted before - free vodka parties tend to bring the females out to play.

This time was a little different, however. The friendliest women I met (who I didn't already know) were married, sauced, and pushing 40, and the only women younger than me were working as hostesses and had already been sexually harassed before I had my chance. And, strangely enough, there was a VIP section outside. This made zero sense because the venue was small, the party had a strict guestlist, there was only about 200 people there the whole night, and the VIP area was basically the patio where people came in. In other words, non VIPs were condemned to sweat and dance to the music with no outside breeze for relief.

I left after a couple cocktails and women arriving late were eying my sweet Hawaiian beads. Eh, it was free.

Follow Me on Twitter!!!

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Thu, 14 May 2009 09:58:30 PDT

So I finally broke down and did it, check me out yall!
http://twitter.com/ThaColetrain

Also Miss Daisy is here...
http://twitter.com/Fullynvested

I will be tweeting about happenings in ATL, as well as random stuff if I get to it.

This Bar Will Make Money Whether You're Happy or Not

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Sun, 03 May 2009 13:36:12 PDT

Nothing annoys me more on a weekend night than some asshole who is pissed he doesn't get his drink within 30 seconds of walking in the door. If you wanted super fast service, don't pick the place that has a line out the door and charged you $20 cover to get inside.

A crowded bar or club is selling an experience, and the alcohol is only part of it. If you want faster service, here are some tips.

Be nice.
Know what you want when you get the bartender's attention. No "what do you recommend" crap.
Order a beer or a 1-2 part cocktail or shot. Especially if the place is crowded.
Talk to the bartender, be friendly. That relationship building will go a long way if you ever go back.
Don't complain about the speed if the place is crowded.
If you are ordering food at a table, and there are a billion people just standing around, your drinks and sushi bullshit are gonna take a while to arrive. Deal with it.
If the service is just too slow, fucking leave. Your bad attitude does no one any service.

If you are trying to order dinner at a club/lounge at midnight on a Saturday night, clearly getting vital nutrients wasn't high on your priority list that day. There is absolutely no reason to fucking complain that your California roll wasn't at your table within 15 minutes of making your order. Go to the bar, get a Cosmo, get fucked up and do something with a guy you will regret, and then go to Waffle House afterward like a normal person.

Ugh.

Diggin' Cape North

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:53:00 PDT

The latest spirit from the free booze fairy in Atlanta is Cape North vodka. The liquor is distilled using French grains and Swedish water, and is actually pretty good. It has a nice lemony vanilla nose and a smooth clear finish, which ranks it among the few vodkas I describe as "good." Vodka is derived from the Russian word for "water," so a clean finish is mandatory (I'm looking at you Absolut!).

Last night Cape North was at Halo Lounge in Midtown, and the Georgia Tech folks were out in force... along with some very hot ladies. I had almost forgotten how awkward engineering students can be until I saw them en masse. It almost changed the mood of the place. After there I met some friends at Beleza bar and I just fuckin' ran into this.

You see, there is a reason why Brazil will never develop their own nukes. With top shelf women just layin around, why even bother. Honestly, I had to get to bed and go to work, but it was great dream fuel.

H/T Six Degrees Magazine

BREAKING: UGA Marketing Professor Pulls an OJ

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 09:09:01 PDT

Authorities are now on the look out for Dr. George Zinkhan, a Marketing professor at the University of Georgia in Athens. He is suspected of the triple homicide of his ex-wife and two of her fellow actors at a local theatre. The UGA campus is also a ghost town, prudently avoiding running into the guy if he is still around town.

After reading the latest AP report, it seems this guy might be long gone - especially if he doesn't mind abandoning his children. The money quote supporting this assertion is from the Athens-Clarke County police chief, no relation to Abraham Simpson.

"We're doing everything we can to shut him down," said Athens-Clarke County Police Capt. Clarence Holeman. "I believe he will turn up somewhere, somehow."

Investigators haven't been able to zero in on a particular area, Holeman said.

"Not when you've got 50 states to cover," he said. "He could be anywhere."

Well, I suppose if Alaska and Hawaii are necessary places to cover - maybe we do have too many states...

Thanks Ira!

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:05:38 PDT

It's not often a sexy and sassy brunette asks you to accompany her to a live theatre performance of a Public Radio show. It's even less often that the host of said radio show suggests you should get sex for showing up.

If you missed the live screening, check out the encore performance of This American Life on May 7th.

Oh, and so far I just got the mischievous smile. There's still time.

Well, Maybe You Pervs Have a Point

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 22:03:30 PDT

So I got in trouble with the internet nudie pic-hounds for besmerching the inherent and immortal sexuality of Helen Mirren. The ~~bitch~~ dame is friggin 62 - you can't possibly want that... right?

And then I saw this...

Now, I still maintain that any man under the age of 40 who is interested in Helen Mirren is both borderline oedipal and dillusional about his childhood, but wow. She has really taken care of herself and her large and not pummeting to earth at terminal velocity breasts. So fine, I will concede that there is a long list of age appropriate women both famous and obscure who cannot compete with the Dame. Still not doing it for free.

H/T WWTDD

Working Away in Georgia

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 07:33:18 PDT

Somehow this songs get stuck in my head. I need to learn the banjo. Thanks to Adult Swim.

Somehow I got spinal meningitis.
Injecting all that hairspray in my spine.
Its a super cheap way to party.
If you aim to kill some braincells and some time.
Good luck getting that child support check from me now.

My oldest son was born an albino.
My youngest covered in hair.
The middle one says he's a homosexual.
The other seven's gone, I don't where and I don't care.
I just don't care.

Get your Yankee ass of my property.
Don't care if the bank gave you a deed.
This farm's been Cuyler land for generations.
Since we beat back those sneaky Japanese.
In the war of 1812, bring our boys home.

My dreams are all dead and buried.
Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode.
When God comes and calls me to his kingdom, I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go!
Aaa ddeee leeeyy aaaaeee ooooo.

I gave all my best years to that woman.
All she gave me was mouths to feed.
Three miracles, straight from the loins of Jesus.
Since Charlie blew off both my testes.
1969 Cam Ranh Bay.It was a massacre.

She run off and took our only chicken.
When I broke jail the house was burnt bare.
The Japs moved plant back to Osaka.
Some day life just don't seem that fair.
I don't even care, I'm tellin ya I just don't give a damn.

Stick to Robbing Empty Cars

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 08:32:32 PDT

I know the economy is even tough for criminals, but seriously - this is fuckin' Georgia. You stick up someone here, you are gonna get yourself shot. Whether it is at Taco Mac in the Highlands, or East Atlanta (ooh, it's weeeeird), sticking up randoms is just going to end badly down here.

"F*** You Chelios!"

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 21:51:12 PDT

Movies are passive events, and really shouldn't be roller coasters. How-EVA, it looks like Jason Statham and company made an effort to do just that.

Holy shit it was fucking awesome... huge fight scenes, lots of electricity, and lots of boobage for good measure. We even see Amy Smart get pounded stupid again!

It just seems like at some point the director is like - this premise just ain't fucking plausible, why even try... And thank God they didn't - this movie would be awful if they made a serious effort to carry the plot along. Crank 2 is like Jason Bourne on, well, crank!

My TiVo Teaches Fraternity Values

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 08:31:05 PDT

Because of fencing I miss all the cool Monday night shows, so it wasn't until work on Tuesday that I hear Kal Penn's character on House was killed off the show. I never liked Kal Penn's character, or the fact that he advocates universal conscription (for girls too!) - but I was still pissed when my TiVo missed the recording. Turns out ABC Family's GREEK is on at the same time, and House is ranked below the college drama.

Anyway, last night I finally got around to grabbing a Yuengling and watching the recording, and I tell you, I'm glad I did for two reasons.

Reason #1 - Dilshad Vadsaria

This girl just makes me melt. Beautiful, buxom, brown, and the bomb. Whether she is straight up nude, in a formal dress, or sharing Cheetos, she is by far the hottest girl on the show. Every other girl on that show is just struggling for the far away second spot. Besides, I can see Lisa Edelstein's awesome ass in syndication anytime.

Reason #2 - The plot of this episode was rush, and both the fraternities and sororities were getting caught up in rushing the famous rich kid with powerful parents and a resume. The Zeta girls were fooled into rushing the supposed daughter of Martha Stewart, and ended up ignoring a ton of prospects in the process. Rusty was rushing the cool and rich football freshman that every fraternity wanted, only to have the KTs declare that "those who want KT, will find KT."

After three years of fraternity life as an undergrad (and many more as an alum) I kissed a rushee's ass exactly once. This guy too was a football star, and was famous for banging senior girls his first month on campus. He was a stud, that couldn't be denied. Our own in house former All American football player wanted him, so he, I, and a generous alum took him to Pasta House for dinner. FYI, Pasta House is the one place you DO NOT GO for St. Louis Italian food... the Hill restaurants are the only destination. Basically it was two hours of kissing this guy's ass, and the whole thing gave me a bad taste in my mouth. He went to another house (the one that bought him a fridge), and we gained nothing.

The experience taught me two things - one, I get why the other houses (including the one who got the stud) haze. You build these guys up so high, of course you will feel the need to cut them down to size. Second, the way my house, TKE, typically rushed is that we didn't care about who your family was or your resume. It mattered, but it was secondary. The main thing was your personal worth and character - the connection you make today. It's not that we didn't rush the rich and popular kids, those attributes weren't top of mind. When I talked to a guy, and he was a douche, it didn't matter how much his parents were worth. The result was that we had popular guys, and guys who learned to be popular. We had guys with buttloads of cash, and guys who learned to make and manage money.

After Pasta House, when I had a 1-1 or intimate dinner with a prospective, it was because I liked the guy as a man, and I wanted to see him around. My fraternity saw a lot of success with that reasoning from the beginning until now. So I am glad I watched that episode of GREEK, because it made me proud to be a Teke.

You Will Watch Crank 2

admin@coletrain.org (Coletrain) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:22:00 PDT

Jason Statham doesn't make good movies, he makes fucking awesome movies. Watch the trailer, and if you don't want to see Crank 2 in the theatre, let me know in the comments. Also let me know what off brand tampon to send you.