so friggin' cute

The Incident at the Alamo

2013-12-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

I need to preface this story by saying that Orion has been coughing a lot the past week but only at night. During the day he is fine and happy but will have a runny nose (which is clear) and no fever. I wouldn't say he has been sick but maybe dealing with allergies. A few times this week he has been coughing so much at night that I brought him a sippy cup of water. This seems to happen about 3 in the morning. Last night he got me up at that time, and I brought him his sippy cup. I went into his room he was not in his bead but hanging out by his closet. He seemed happy to see me then wanted to show me his sheets which were sodden. There were two large spots of what I can only assume was mucousy vomit that came up during a coughing fit. I changed his sheets and his jammies and he was happy to get back to bed and we both slept till 7:30.

I was very excited to take Orion to the movies today to see Walking with Dinosaurs. He loves “dinoroars” and frequently runs around like a dino roaring and stomping. He also loves popcorn so I was excited to take him to the movies and splurge on our date. We went out on this grey, rainy, Monday to the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. I had never been there before and was a bit confused when I couldn't find the concession stand. Once I got into the theater I began to understand that it was more like the Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse. You order from your seat and everything is brought right to you.

We got in our seats and our server started his schpeel. He got to the part about children under the age of 6 and I was all whaaaaaaaa. Children under 6 are only allowed in the Theater on Tuesdays before 2 pm, which it wasn’t and if my 2 ½ year old got loud, we would be asked to leave. I could feel the pressure mounting to ensure that Orion was a good and quiet toddler. We ordered popcorn, a trio of cookies, and milk.

Before the movie started, they showed many dinosaur related clips like the trailer for The Land Before Time and the music video for Walk the Dinosaur which was my jam back in the 80’s while listening to Kid’s Corner on WXPN. They also showed the opening clip from The Muppet Movie when everyone is getting into their seats in the theater. This was followed by the warning that if you do not behave “we will blow you up”. So that was really fun AND we got to see the preview for the new Muppet movie Muppets Most Wanted and The Lego Movie. (F.Y.I - I love going to the movies, worked in movie theaters, and went to film school for a few years)

This all made me very impressed with Alamo and the service was great. I asked for a booster and was given one in a timely fashion. The seats were comfortable and there was plenty of leg room. Orion did have a few things to voice so I was really looking forward to the popcorn arriving to fill his mouth and keep him quiet. I was happy that there were only 2 other people in the Theater (both adults) but worried about getting kicked out.

We were watching the movie and Orion was being pretty good. The popcorn was delicious and Orion was very excited. He wasn't silent but the movie was loud and he wasn't being too disruptive. The trio of cookies were freshly baked and hot. They were so unbelievably delicious! A nice crust on the outside, soft and gooey inside. The trip consisted of a Peanut Butter Banana, a Chocolate Chip, and a Double Chocolate. At one point, I noticed Orion had chocolate all over his face and I thought “how cute, I will have to take a picture of his messy mug once the lights come up.”

I gotta tell you that my heart swelled with pride and my eyes filled with tears of joy because I was out at the movies with my son. He was being good and really seemed to be enjoying himself. He sat in my lap for a bit and it was so comforting to have my arms around him and feel his head under my chin. A few times during the movie he turned to give me hugs. It was so sweet! But, all good things must come to an end.

The check had been dropped off which happens 30 minutes before the end of the movie. The server came by to pick it up but I hadn't been able to deal with my bag of stuff to get to my wallet. I was going to wait till the movie was over and the lights were up. Orion was in my lap and started coughing, I reached for his milk, empty. I had a water bottle in my bag but before I could reach it, or grab anything, Orion threw up all over me. So. Much. Vomit. Then I grabbed the empty cookie pan and he threw up into that. I felt horrible for the two people sitting behind us. The smell was bad but I am fairly impervious to that smell after working in movie theaters for a number of years.

I got the water bottle out of my bag along with the wet wipes to clean us up as much as I could. I got my wallet out and paid the $15 bill and left a $10 tip. I raised up an order card so someone would notice we needed assistance. This took a while since checks had already been handed out. I was content to finish the movie because I have only walked out of a movie once because it was awful and my date was really hot. But Orion had other plans, he wanted to walk around and I was powerless to stop him. He got into the first row and wanted me to chase him. Instead, I sat on the floor and waited for him to get distracted and then I pounced. I was able to grab him and get him in my lap while I sat on the floor. Then he noticed the row numbers and started calling out “1 2 3!” and I knew it was time to leave.

I got him into the “family” bathroom and washed up a bit more before we put on our coats. We went out into the rain and played for a few minutes on the grassy square in front of the theater. I was hoping that some air and rain would wash away some of the vomit smell. Once we got in the car and hit the road, the smell was overwhelming. I cracked a window and struggled to obey speed limits.

Once we got home, we both stripped by the front door and I tossed everything into the wash. We took a shower together. I cleaned up first, then got Orion all soaped up which made it hard to pick him up to rinse off. I was kind of amazed at how small he felt with his arms around my neck and his legs clinging to my sides. He is in the 95^th% for height and 75^th for weight so we are usually talking about how huge our baby has become. And the cherry on top would be that he peed on the bathroom rug upon exiting the shower.

I got Orion dressed first then retreated into my pajamas giving up on the day. I made him a PB&J, took him to his room for nap, read a few stories, and tucked him in on his nap mat. This Saturday we are going to The Kennedy Center to see Elephant and Piggie are in a Play, wish us luck, I think we are going to need it!

How I met your Father

2013-10-09T05:12:00.000-07:00

Eight years ago today, Patrick and I were married. The week before and after our wedding was such a crazy time in our lives, as were our first few years of marriage. On the anniversary of our wedding, it can be hard for me to not think about all the craziness that happened during that time. That thought train can easily take me to sad crazy town which is a real shame since I do love my husband and am overjoyed to be sharing my life with him. It is not him, our love, and our marriage that can make me sad but what we had to deal with at a time that should have been nothing but joy. So this year I wanted to focus on the time before we were actually married and think about how I met my husband and how we fell in love.

I met Patrick in March of 2004 in Brigantine, NJ. I had been living in Philadelphia with my dear old friend and this super awesome Aquarius fashion student for a few months. I had moved there in January after a nasty break up with a live-in breakdancer boyfriend. The location of my new place was awesome enabling me to walk to my new job in Center City, some cool bars, and friend’s houses. This was great since I no longer had a car but also because I was looking for a fresh start. I was meeting lots of new people and living the single city life. One of the new people I met was a guy we will call Grrrr who was a friend of my roommate. That March, Grrrr invited me to his friend’s beach house in Brigantine, NJ.

My memory kind of sucks and I wasn’t keeping up with my journaling at the time but what I clearly remember from that trip down the shore was meeting a man, sitting at a table, wearing a Massive Attack shirt. I think he was playing cards and smoking a cigar. I saw him and thought to myself “Heyyyyyyy, who are you?” My attraction was immediate and I knew I wanted to get to know this person more. He was, of course, Patrick. One of my fondest memories (aside from meeting Patrick) from that weekend was a group sing along in the kitchen to Fugazi's Waiting Room. The next morning, Patrick went for a bike ride. I remember when he came back, we were alone (or maybe it just felt that way) in the living room, and he took off his bike jersey in such a way as to intentionally show me the big ass tattoo covering his back. I also remember flying a kite on the beach with Patrick, he always had a kite and Frisbees in the trunk of his car. Always ready for fun!

Right before we told my parents about our engagement

Soon after that beach weekend, I started going to a bar around the corner from my house called Tritone. Grrrr’s friend with the beach house played washboard in a blues band Monday nights and I would usually head straight there after work. The band was so much fun, I loved the male singer’s voice and when the guitarist busted out his steel guitar. Often, Patrick was there and it soon came to feel like my bar. I knew Rick the bartender who always wore his black leather vest (rest in peace) and Tuesday the waitress. We would usually order dinner and have a few drinks.

We were there one Monday, had enjoyed dinner and drinks when the place started to fill up for whoever it was that would be playing later that night. A friend of mine came in who was in major need of my bathroom. My place was right around the corner, so we quickly left. When we got to my place and upstairs, I realized that hadn’t paid my bar tab. Once my friend was done dumping out, I went back to the bar and told Tuesday that I was so sorry that I forgot to pay my bill. She informed me that Patrick had paid assuming that was the way it was supposed to go down.

I was mortified! I had no intention of getting a free meal that way and felt awful for leaving so abruptly and sticking him with the bill. I did not have Patrick’s number or email, so I found him on MySpace (this was a time before Facebook). I apologized for my faux pas and asked him if he would like to go out to dinner so I could repay him. It was decided we would have dinner at Doobie’s, a bar similar to Tritone. We enjoyed a decent meal (stuffed pork chops?) and afterwards I invited him back to my place to watch Fraggle Rock. Such a great pick up line, right? And we totally made out that night. My roommate’s friend was sleeping on the couch and when I walked Patrick out, I slipped down the stairs causing my skirt to fly up. I was so embarrassed and got a nice bruise on my ass. But that did not stop Patrick from returning my calls. I think our next date was a First Friday art gallery crawl followed by food shopping and Patrick cooking dinner at his place (he definitely cooked pork chops which is funny because I didn’t really like pork chops but I do remember this meal being very delicious).

That May I moved into a place with 2 girlfriends and Patrick helped me move. He also helped assemble my Ikea bed with the aid of another one of my girlfriends. I did not have the right tools and suggested they use what I had, a pair of toe nail clippers. I totally suck at assembling furniture but Patrick loves it and does it well. Somehow they got the tools they needed and put my tiny bed together. This bed was a full sized bed with shelving underneath. It was narrow and tall, you had to climb up to get into it.

I can remember sharing that bed with Patrick and waking up in the night to find him pacing around the room because he couldn’t sleep in such a tiny bed and hot room (I had the middle room, the only window was a skylight so there wasn’t much air circulation). To avoid sleeping in my bed, Patrick spent a lot of time driving from Temple to his place in Lansdowne, to my place in South Philly to pick me up and take me back to his place. The traffic getting out to Lansdowne was often hellacious. We were both seeing other people and not looking for anything serious but he really went out of his way to spend time with me.

In August, Patrick went to Michigan for a friend’s wedding. He was to come back Friday and then we were spending the weekend at my friend’s cabin in the Poconos. During our time apart, I realized that I really wanted to only be with Patrick and had fallen in love with him. I’ll never forget that Friday, I had to go out to the distribution center in Gap, PA to help move some orders along (I was an internet correspondent for Urban Outfitters) and rode up with a coworker and two of our big bosses. I talked to them about Patrick and how we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend and then came into work on Monday engaged.

Patrick picked me up from work that Friday and we drove up to the Poconos in his little blue Tiburon. I really wanted to tell him that I loved him that weekend but we were in a cabin with 6 other people and sharing a room so it was hard to find any privacy. We managed to get some alone time in our room and out of nowhere, as if it was a total surprise even to Patrick, he said “Marry Me”. We had never talked about marriage and I honestly never thought I would get married (or have kids). But, marrying him made so much sense so I said yes without hesitation and professed my love.

We did not tell our friends that weekend. When we got back to Philly, I went to see Cirque de Soleil with a coworker and said to her “I think I am engaged”. I was in such a state of disbelief that I had to call Patrick to make sure we were really doing this. When we told our cabin owning friend that we were engaged, he did the most incredible dance of joy, screaming and jumping up and down. He was (and still is) a drag queen and prone to a bit of drama but it was the best reaction we received. We asked him to be our flower girl and he was so excited to be involved in our big day. (Seeing a drag queen with a 6 foot beehive walk down the aisle on my crazy wedding day added a touch of desperately needed comic relief. My mom was so surprised and happy when she saw our flower girl!)

Patrick and I went ring shopping at Henri David’s which is the most amazing jewelry store I have ever visited. Once the rings were ready, Patrick was ready to propose again. He told me we were going back to Brigantine to visit our friends at the beach house where we met. We drove down the shore and when we were near Patrick got a “phone call” that our friends were running late. Patrick figured we could go to the beach (it must have been September) and wait for them at the wooden fort. While we were there, and I had no clue anything was fishy, Patrick pulled out a small felt pumpkin who was sporting a mustache and opened it to reveal my engagement ring. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, we had lunch nearby, then headed back to Philly.

That Halloween weekend we moved in together to a super cute place on Iseminger St. It was right around the corner from my old place, which I was going to miss terribly and felt bad for leaving. I had never imagined when I signed that two year lease back in May that I would soon be getting engaged. I hate moving and that was my 5th move in 15 months. Also, moving is not really something you want to do Halloween weekend anyway. A friend of mine, who lived the next street over, was hosting a Halloween party and we went totally exhausted. I wore a cardboard sign around my neck that said Lame and Patrick wore his Canada track jacket and went as “that famous Canadian athlete, you know the one”.

When we announced our engagement to my extended family at my Grandmother's birthday August 2004

It was kind of amazing when we first moved in together because all of our stuff seemed to merge together without much friction. We both had a passion for music and had very few repeating albums in our collection. I owned some Tom Waits he did not have and he had a few Ani DiFranco albums I did not have. Since Patrick had been living on his own for so long, he had all the necessities and I was able to add a touch of color and whimsy (cause everyone needs a 5 foot inflatable Screamer from Edvard Munch’s painting).

That first place was really nice, exposed brick wall, nice grey carpets, a decent kitchen, and we really made it our home. We set up a tree for Christmas (but I think we may have opened our presents in bed). New Year’s Day we hosted an open house. We lived right off Broad St., so anyone checking out the Mummer’s parade was welcome to stop in for food and drinks. Patrick and I really enjoyed having friends over at that house. Patrick was (and still is) a great cook and I was (and still am) a great dishwasher.

I have a random happy memory of Patrick from our time before getting married (at least I think we weren’t married yet) when I visited him on campus at Temple University. Patrick handed me an inter-office envelope which had another envelope with a fake postage stamp and mice drawn on the outside. Inside it was stuffed with white chocolate Reese's Big Cups. They were a limited edition and he must have bought out the store because they were my favorite (I wish I could still find them!). One of the things that made me fall for Patrick was the fact that he was really one of the good guys, nice, smart, caring, patient, and thoughtful.

Patrick would read me bedtime stories, he read me the entire Harry Potter series or he would make up stories about the adventures of Sir Prancealot who was a Pomeranian with a heart of gold. I always joke that Patrick is the nice Midwestern man and I am the Philadelphia bitch. Patrick got to know the names of the shopkeepers in our neighborhood while I never bothered. I married a man with great intelligence who never makes me feel dumb even when I tell him I have no clue what the hell he is talking about. Patrick also has a great sense of humor and understands my twisted sense of humor. Making him laugh is one of my favorite things. There have been nights in bed spent giggling that have brought me to the point of laughing and crying.

I love my husband, our marriage, our family, our son. I feel so lucky to have him and Orion in my life. Everything in my life lead to me meeting and marrying Patrick and for that I am grateful and everything that happened after we got married lead me to Orion. Patrick and I are often amazed at this life we created. The feeling of love we share for our son is truly amazing. I am sorry that our wedding day and honeymoon did not happen as we had planned them and that our first couple of years were so hard. But those experiences brought us closer in the end and strengthen our love. Together we can face whatever comes our way and it is you, Patrick, (and Orion) that I always want by my side.

Bridal Shower August 2005

My best Mother's Day yet

2013-05-12T05:50:00.002-07:00

This is my 7^th Mother’s Day since my mom died and my 3^rd Mother’s Day since becoming a mom. I spent 4 years avoiding Mother’s Day and trying really hard to not lose my shit while seeing anything regarding Mother’s Day. After spending so long avoiding Mother’s Day, it really snuck up on me this year. I had been so focused on Orion’s 2^nd birthday and then was so exhausted after that I did not see it coming. Last week I called to make brunch reservations, but my top 3 choices were already booked (this also happened last year and next year I will make the reservations early, like maybe next week).

My mother and I at my Bridal shower August 2005

My first Mother’s Day was the most difficult ever since Orion wasn't even 2 weeks old. I was still recovering from a Cesarean section and adjusting to being a mom while missing my mother more than I had since her death. I wasn't sure I could be a mom without a mom. While I was in labor and stuck at 3 centimeters for about 5 hours, I really wanted my mom. I remember crying for her and thinking there was no way I could give birth to this baby without her. That was when I asked for the epidural and soon after there was a tingly party inside my body and I relaxed. I never progressed beyond 3 centimeters but at least I was feeling better, thanks drugs!

about 2 weeks old

Those early days, I had so many questions I wanted to ask my mother that I had never thought to ask her while she was alive. While she was living, kids were nowhere to be seen in my future. Once I met Patrick, I thought that maybe I could have kids because I would have them with a man who would be the best dad ever. But it wasn't until after her death that I really wanted to start trying to have kids but my health problems and eventual M.S. diagnosis put it off for a few years.

maybe 6 months old or so

almost 2!

Being a mom without a mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done especially after losing my father when Orion was only 6 weeks old. I do not have them to call to complain/cry/question/wonder/brag about being Orion’s mom. I can’t talk to them about what I was like as a child to see if Orion is like I was as a baby. I do wonder if I would be a better mom if I still had either of my parents to guide me through being a parent. I lost a piece of my history and part of my future self with their death. And Orion lost really incredibly awesome grandparents. I could always see my father as a grandfather but had a hard time picturing my mom as a grandmom. My mother would have knitted the most adorable things for her grandchildren. I get jealous of other kid’s hand knitted things and it reminds me of a missing piece.

It took me this past year to realize that what I do have really outweighs their absence. I have all of the important things they gave me during their life. I share the same sense of humor, fearlessness, honesty, and directness my mother had. I can still hear her voice in my head telling me “what goes around, come around” and “shoulda, woulda, coulda”. I have her example of doing kindness for people in need and caring for them. She showed me such strength which I only have a fraction of but what got me through some really difficult time. I am who I am because of my parent’s love for me. My relationship with my mother was never perfect but it was ours and we honestly loved and respected each other. My parents also instilled in me a deep love for enjoying books, music, and food which I am passing down to Orion. He will never met them but he will know of my mother’s love for The Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger.

I am not a perfect mom and sometimes I get frustrated but I am always trying to do better. I am also trying to stop comparing my life to those around me and what I see portrayed in the media. I see my life and home as perfect when it stands alone but when compared to others I see shadows of doubt that grow larger the longer I look. Since I cannot compare my current life of being a mom to the life of my mom, I look around me and see the life of other moms in my community and online. Then I remind myself that what I see of their lives is only the tip of the iceberg and comparing each other is all apples and oranges. Our commonality is that we are all moms trying to do the best for our children and our family and (hopefully) our community and world.

Even though life is filled with so many conveniences these days, it seems harder than ever to be a parent. There is so much information on what you should do and not do and how this thing will change your life and you really need 2 of these in case you lose one of them. It is so overwhelming and super easy to get caught in a downward spiral of reading article after article instead of doing what is really important, like paying attention to your child and, oh, I don’t know, sleeping. It is so easy to question yourself and wonder if you are feeding your child the best food and avoiding all of the toxic chemicals that seem to be in everything. I remember that PSA catch phrase “The More You Know” and it makes me think the more you know the more insane and agoraphobic you become. So, I just take a breath and a break from the flood of information and advice and focus on what matters. I parent with my gut and my heart. If I give all my love to this wonderful, special boy, he will grow up to be a loving compassionate person and that is what I value most.

1st visit to the doctors office, not yet a week old

3 months old

I think this will be my best Mother’s Day yet because I am so proud to be Orion’s mom and I am finally feeling confident as his mom. I feel like I do deserve to celebrate being a mom and not just on Sunday. We started our celebrations early on Friday. We went to Family Meal in Fredrick for a delicious lunch and in the afternoon took a nice walk with the dogs and Orion on his Joovy. We got a babysitter for Friday night so Patrick and I could go see Iron Man 3 (this was the second movie we have seen together in the theater since Orion was born and the first one at night). Saturday I went to the movies alone to see The Great Gatsby, I love going to the movies alone in the middle of the day. Today we are having my dearest mom friend and Orion’s best buddy over for dinner. I let Patrick get up this morning and deal with Orion and the dogs while I laid in bed and read The Marriage Plot.

Mother’s Day has given me license to let go of all my mom guilt this weekend. I didn’t feel bad about holding up in the office to write this and print out about 50 pictures from Orion’s 2^nd birthday photo shoot to send to family. I also did not feel guilty about lying in bed to finish Everything Is illuminated (loved the movie, LOVED the book!). I even let myself enjoy a nice long shower yesterday without worry about what Orion was getting into. It is these small simple things, hot showers, reading, and time alone that you really miss as a mom of young children.

Being a parent is not getting easier but he is sleeping thorough the night most nights which means I am getting more sleep which is magical. We are weaning and only nursing twice a day for nap and bedtime (and if he wakes at night). Now that the weather is getting nice, we spend as much time as we can outside before the dogs days of summer descend. We had a hard week but it was amazingly rewarding. Patrick was out of town for 4 bedtimes and I was exhausted being the only caregiver. But I am also really happy that I was with Orion instead of sleazy Vegas at a conference. Even though there were tears from both myself and Orion, there was a lot of cuddles and laughs.

almost 2!

My baby is growing up and I can see that he is developing into a wonderful person. It is crazy to look at pictures of him from when he was born, last year, and now. The baby fat is melting from his cheeks but the sweetness is still their in his smile. He is becoming his own person who loves cars and Yo Gabba Gabba and Gustafer Yellowgold. I love Orion with such an unimaginable strength that I really do not know how I ever lived without him. I am amazed at the boy he has become. He is so loving, happy, and outgoing. I love to watch him dance and point excitedly and speak new words. He brings me tears of joy on an almost daily basis. Since working on weaning I was afraid he might become cold but he has become more affectionate. He will climb into my bed when I am reading after dinner and before his bath and just snuggle with me. His head fits so perfectly below my chin and against my chest. It is nice to get this closeness without being a source of food. I love his frequent hugs and his occasional kisses. I love being his mom and our silly little family.

almost 2!

This will be a happy Mother’s Day and I will think of my mom with sadness and longing and pride that she was MY mom. I wonder if the way I feel about Orion even comes close to the way she felt about raising my brother and me. When Orion is older, Mother’s Day will be another opportunity to tell him all about my mom and how his grandmom was a wonderful person. I want to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all the past, present, and future moms in the world. I know how hard this day can be for those who have lost their mom, lost children, or haven’t had their dreams of becoming a mother be reality. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you love. I hope you can find some positivity and comfort today.

Gustafer Yellowgold Live!

2013-04-19T04:24:00.003-07:00

A few weeks ago, we had the pleasure of seeing GustaferYellowgold perform at Jammin Java. At almost 2 years old, this was Orion’s first concert. I wasn't sure if he would be too young to enjoy the show but this doubt soon turned out to be unfunded even though he did seem to be the youngest of the mobile babies (there were one or two infants). We paid $39 total for 3 tickets and then I spent $20 on a plush Gustafer and a plush Slim the Eel and it was worth every penny.

When we arrived, Orion was asleep in the car so we hung out in the parking. Doors opened at 10am with the show starting at 10:30am. I have been to many a show and know they never start on time. We woke him up at 10:30 and went inside. I had never been to Jammin Java before which has a coffee shop up front with tables and benches taking up about ¼ of the space. Behind a heavy curtain is a large room with chairs, a stage, a small merch nook, and an area with table and chairs. Orion wanted to explore and quickly decided that up front climbing on the benches was the place to be.

I noticed the merch area and the plush dolls which I never knew existed. Even though I was very much in the not going to buy Orion anything because his birthday is coming up, I had to buy him a Gustafer and then Slim looked so cute, so done and done. Orion was happy to hold his new friends, one for each hand. It wasn't until the gentleman who sold me the toys got on stage that I realized he was Gustafer, Morgan Taylor.

Orion wanted to explore and ended up climbing the stairs all the way to the top to say hello to Jimi. The show was about to start and I did not want to miss anything. The last two rows were empty and some tables as well, there was also space to sit on the floor in front of the stage. Patrick took a seat in the back, I attempted to get Orion to sit on the floor with me but he would not be contained. When the music started it seemed to startle Orion. He sought comfort in his father’s lap clutching his new friends until he figured out what was going on. This made quite a cute sight!

I have lost a bit of hearing during my early concert going years and have a hard time hearing a person if they are not facing me. The volume was not too loud and the sound was really quite good. I have to say I think he sounded better live that day than when we listen to him on Pandora. I really like his voice and you could hear the texture it had, good job sound guys! The music is mellow and he asked who was “ready to soft rock” which I thought was very cute.

One reason I thought Orion would enjoy the show aside from his love of music and dance is that Morgan Taylor is an illustrator and all of the songs have very cute illustrated videos. Orion loves TV almost as much as he father does and if a TV is on he will usually watch it. We have watched the Mellow Fever DVD a few times (checked out from our local library!) and it has held his interest.

The music is very cute and sweet with a great sense of humor. Mr. Taylor did a great job interacting with the crowd, asking questions, waiting for replies, telling little anecdotes, and even did a live commercial for eel chow (so cute!). It did not take very long for Orion to warm up and climb down from daddy’s lap. He started to walk closer to the stage and then I was able to sit on the floor with him in my lap. Eventually he got out of my lap and stood closer to the stage and danced a bit. He also wanted to explore the cables on stage and the tall tripod with the projector on top. Thankfully is was easy to redirect him away from these things and he did not cry about it. He was the only kid who wanted to explore these items, I was amazed by how good everyone acted!

The show was about 45 minutes (or so) which was about the perfect length as lunch time was fast approaching. Mr. Taylor raffled off an original handmade GY drawing which yours truly won! Which Orion immediately creased and I still need to get framed. Orion seemed very energized after the show and since the place was emptying out, I let him run around. I wanted to get a picture with Mr. Taylor and wanted to wait for the line to be nonexistent. He was really nice about getting a picture and apologized for butchering my name and Orion’s when he announced the raffle winner.

It really was a wonderful outing which I highly recommend. Orion might be too young to remember this outing but I will and we have pictures to prove it! He is playing tomorrow in McLean but we will not make it because we have the great Cloth Diaper Change and I do not want to come off as a Gustafer Groupie (even though I am). I hope we get to see him again when Orion is a bit older and might remember the experience. Now I really need to own all 5 of their DVD/CDs which might become my standard birthday gift for a while.

A good day of nothing much

2013-04-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. Nothing special happened, nothing exciting, and actually it was pretty boring. But I felt good today, I had energy and managed to get a few things done. I got an undisturbed night’s sleep last night which may be responsible for my good feelings. It was one of those days where I was all “OMG, almost 3pm already!” instead of “Blarg, it’s not even 3pm yet?”. As I write this, my husband is attempting to get our son to sleep (after I spent about 50 minutes nursing him), so I might be a bit premature in saying that today was a good day.

This morning we woke up around 6:30 and I made French toast for breakfast as that is the only way Orion will eat eggs. I folded laundry while he watched Sesame Street, there was a lot of it and baby laundry takes forever to fold. By the time that was done and I was washed and dressed, Sesame Street was over. We headed out just after 9am to run a few errands. While getting on 28, I noticed a fox in a patch of woods along the highway. I saw a fox in this same spot a few days ago so I will assume it is the same one. I shall name it Fanny (after Fantastic Mr. Fox). I know where he lives and am thinking about bringing him a snack. If I see him again I will stop and take a picture.

We went to Joann Fabrics so I could pick up a few things. I need to finish Orion’s 2^nd year photo album before his birthday next week. I also needed to fix a necklace he broke which I was able to do while still in the store. I forgot to buy elastic for the birthday party masks. I also avoided all the fabric because the last thing I need to do is buy more fabric. I didn't save as much money with my coupons as I had hoped (always seems that way). But Orion was a very good boy while we were in the store.

So I decided to push my luck and hit up Ross in the hopes of finding some shoes for Orion. Didn't see anything I liked but picked him up a pack of 2 no spill snack cups to replace the one we have which is so stiff I can hardly get anything out of it. I also got him a puzzle because I am a sucker and it had sprockets on it with construction vehicles. With his birthday being next week I might return it, we shall see. I keep saying that I am not going to buy him anything else and then I go and buy him something. (Our recent trip to Ikea was 80% stuff for Orion which he didn't technically need but….) Since I was already at Ross I figured I would try to find some pants because nothing seems to fit anymore, found nothing. Then I went looking for new dress to wear at Orion’s party. (Why is it I feel like I can only wear a dress once for a special occasion?) I headed into the changing room with 8 items and was only able to try on half of them because Orion was pitching a fit. He finished all his little cremes, did not want his chips, and ate half the pouch I brought. The good news is I did find one dress that I really liked for $16 and we did manage to make it to the check out.

On the drive home while listening to Das Pop, Orion fell asleep. I pulled in our driveway, rolled down 3 windows and read in the car while he slept. He has had a little cold with a runny nose and congestion so he did wake up coughing a few times but slept for almost an hour. During that time I was able to read and am less than 200 pages away from finishing A Dance With Dragons. I want to hurry up and finish the book to see what happens but I also want to read just one page a day so the next book might be written and available before I finish this one.

We went inside and I made lunch. Brazilian beans and rice for Orion, I had potato salad and mashed up those same beans with chèvre and guacamole. I enjoyed my lunch while Orion did not eat a single bite. He did play with it and dumped his plate all over the table. I gave him a popcake which is like a rice cake but taste more like nothing with a whiff of blueberry cinnamon. It pretends to be food but I had picked them up a few days ago while shopping so he could snack on something after he dumped all his snack in aisle 8.

After lunch……we….what did we do? We played, I did the dishes, and he watched an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. We listened to some music, we danced. About an hour or so after lunch I made a smoothie with carrot juice, coconut water, lemon juice, blueberries, strawberries, pineapple, and mango. It was a bit hot and humid but not so bad that I had to turn on the air conditioner so I wanted something cold to cool off. Orion and I shared it, he seems to be on a juice fast these days. Then we went outside and played in the backyard with the dogs.

I played fetch with Fizgig while I walked around on poop patrol. Orion ran around and played with his soccer ball. I blew some bubbles for him much to his delight. Then suddenly he had his head stuck between 2 posts of the railing on our deck. I had to help get his head free and then he had a bit of a cry. He attempted to stick his head in that same spot a few more times and got very upset when I thwarted these dreams. (Update: Orion finally seems to be asleep after an hour and 25 minutes of almost being asleep!)

We needed a change of scenery so I took Orion outside in his Joovy tricycle and put the dogs on leashes so we could all go for a walk. We did not get far. Orion likes to drag his feet and was wearing new fake clogs (bought earlier at Joann) which I worried he would ruin. We made it down the street, which took forever. The dogs seemed happy to be out to mark their territory and there was a nice breeze. No one seemed too upset when I turned back for home.

Back inside the fun and games continued. I gave Orion a little green machine smoothie because I knew he would drink it all down. Then I set him up to put some foam stickers on paper which I was excited about but he only wanted to eat them. When I wouldn't let him eat them and he couldn't take the stickers off the paper once they were stuck on, he cried so that came to an end. We read a few stories while he sat in my lap. We got a bunch of new books from my super sweet Aunt and he only wanted to read the new books, none of his old favorites.

Then it was time to cook dinner. I put on an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba and got to mincing shallots. Next thing I know Orion is trying to climb up on the dog food bin. He does this, a lot. This is why all of our chairs live in the laundry room until they are needed along with his art stool. He likes to carry that stool around so he can get into trouble anywhere he wants. So I had to strap him into his highchair. I finished cooking (Soba noodles with shrimp and sugar snap peas) just a few minutes after Patrick walked in the door.

It felt nice to sit down to a yummy dinner (and a glass of wine) and be finished well before 6pm. Orion was offered what we’re eating and a bowl of yogurt. He likes to eat yogurt with his hands so dinner is usually messy but tonight he managed to keep his hair yogurt free so I call that a win. Then I offered Orion a popcake and Patrick ate one too and was disappointed as they smell way better than they taste. Patrick and Orion played while I feed the dogs. Orion did manage to eat a piece of dog kibble, I bet if I served him dog food for dinner he would eat it up. They all went outside so I could empty the dishwasher without Orion trying to climb on the dishwasher door or wiggle between my legs to come between me and the counter to push me away from the dishes. I washed the dishes and then it was time for Patrick to get Orion ready for bed. (I would actually love to do the dishes every night just to do something without Orion.)

Bedtime took forever but we only nursed 3 times today for about an hour and a half total which I see as a very big win. I do hope the end of nursing is in sight. It was fun while it lasted but he is such a big boy and it will be getting too hot to have a little heater all up on me. I also did not get done all the things that need doing. I managed to put away Orion's clothes but not my own. I am also in the midst of packing up outgrown clothes, switching over to summer clothes, and getting rid of all the things which no longer fit.

Dude, I am exhausted but it was a good day even though nothing really happened We all survived, nothing blew up, and I saw the universe in the swirly carrot colored curls on the back of my sons head. This little days matter as much as the big days out. I was there for my family today and they were there for me, we all felt loved and that we matter.

Epilogue: Just a bit before 9 I put a pin in writing this to watched SNL and was in bed just after 10. I have now spent close to two hours writing this post. Orion ended up waking up around 9:30 so we saline sprayed his nose (which he hates, he used to lean forward to put his nose on the nozzle) and we nursed for about 15 minutes. Then he woke up again around 1:30 we nursed for about 15 minutes. It is now 7:13am and it sounds like he might be waking up, I hear him coughing but no crying. Shame I did not wake up a bit sooner so I could get a cup of coffee in me before baby wrangling. But I was sleepy, and so starts another day…

When to spill the beans and the fear of miscarriage

2013-02-24T07:47:00.002-08:00

Currently, I know a dozen or so pregnant women. I have never known so many pregnant women. I have only known about 4 or 5 pregnant woman at any given time. But now that I am a mom, I am hanging out with more moms than ever before. Some of these expecting ladies will be first time moms and some are having their second child. Some ladies announced their pregnancy as early as 6 weeks and some waited till 14 weeks. I remember when I was pregnant Goggling, “when can I tell people that I am pregnant?”. As if there was some law or hardline rule about when to share happy news with the people you love.

We told my father as soon as we knew I was pregnant because that was my father’s request. He had been excited for a while to have a grandbaby finally living on U.S. soil. I am pretty sure we told a few other close family and friends but I really cannot remember. Thanks to Facebook, I found this wall post from October 20^th 2010:

“Yesterday I got to hear the heartbeat of my baby. And it is starting to look like a baby instead of a squiggle. It was too cool! So it is really official, I am 12 1/2 weeks pregnant, we expect our bundle of joy May 1st. Can't wait to find out if it will be a boy or girl.”

So why did I wait to announce my news? Part of me wanted to keep the news to a very select few people so it would just be us sharing an exciting secret. Another part of me was afraid that I might lose the baby so I wanted to wait until the first trimester was over. This is an extremely common fear and one of the main reasons people wait to announce their pregnancy.

According to PregnancyLoss.info , the likelihood of a miscarriage is 70% in the first week, then drops to 30% in the 2^ndweek, 10% in weeks 3-6 and 5% in weeks 7-12, 3% during the 2^nd trimester and 1% during the 3^rd trimester. HopeExchange.com says that “Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; some estimates are as high as 1 in 3. If you include loss that occurs before a positive pregnancy test, some estimate that 40% of all conceptions result in loss.” I know of women who have had miscarriages and my heart goes out to them. I am sure we all know someone who has had a miscarriage even if we are unaware of the miscarriage. It is something people do not talk about even though it is fairly common.

I have not been through that experience and hope I never do so I can only speculate how I would handle such a loss. I am a person who is very open and honest. I think I would talk about it and I am sure I would write about here to help me work through my feelings. I always feel better after talking and writing about issues. I think it would be helpful for women who experience this type of loss to talk openly about it in a safe environment. That might not be your Facebook wall but maybe it is if that will help you deal with your emotions. I find it can be easier to write something that is too say to say out loud.

If you have never been pregnant, you might not understand that as soon as you know there is a life growing inside of you, you begin to bond with that life and think about your future together. If you lose that baby before you even knew it was there, you will still think about what could have been. It is hard to grieve and morn any death. I can imagine it is more difficult to deal with the loss of someone who never lived outside of your own body because people might not understand and won’t know what to say. People might not understand how you can be so upset over someone who never saw the light of day and people in general don’t know what to do when a person is dealing with death.

I try to never let fear hold me back from doing something. Announce your pregnancy when you want to, in a way you feel comfortable whether that be phone, text, email, or Facebook. If you just got a positive pregnancy test and want to tell someone, go ahead. If your pregnancy ends in loss, I really hope you will tell someone and talk with supportive people. You may find that you know other women who have been through miscarriage and can support each other

Did you know that October 15^th is National Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? It was started by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. Here is a great site to learn more about it http://www.october15th.com/

While writing this post I found many websites dedicated to breaking the silence surrounding miscarriage. I thought it was very well put on TheNervousBreakdown.com when she wrote:

"I was angry because I am expected to carry a triple burden: the burden of fertility; the burden of pregnancy itself; and perhaps most of all, the burden of silence if a pregnancy is lost."

Let's try to make our burdens as light as possible.

Mom’s Day Out

2013-02-05T04:42:00.000-08:00

I recently enjoyed my very first day away from my 21 month old son. Last summer I had hoped to get a weekend away but I also did not expect him to still be nursing. In the fall of 2011 I did spend about 5 hours away but that was the longest we had ever been apart until this past weekend. When I left him for that 5 hour stretch I was worried about him and how my husband would cope, this time I was all “Peace out suckers!”

That morning I woke up before the baby, excited as if it were Christmas morning. Once he got up, I changed his diaper (my husband usually handles the first diaper change if he is home) and nursed him for as long as he wanted. That turned out to be about 15 minutes which is half as long as our normal first feed. He had breakfast and I got ready. Then I offered him some boob and he nursed for a really short period of time much to my surprise. Yo Gabba Gabba was on, Orion was mesmerized in his little chair, and I ran out of the house around 8:45 as if I was on fire.

I jumped into our cute little impractical Fiat 500, turned the seat warmers on, scraped the frost from my window and got my CD selection together. I was ready for the 2 hour drive to Richmond to meet up with a girlfriend (who has a 10 month old) and see the Chihuly exhibit (awesome!), enjoy a leisurely lunch, and some shopping. If you saw anyone bombing down 95 south in the left land on Saturday with a huge shit eating grin on their face, it was probably me. It just felt good to be driving the fun car and not the mom car (Scion XB which I do love) and listen to my music (not children’s music) as loudly as I wanted.

As we walked around Carytown, I noticed some stroller parking signs and was so happy that it was not currently applicable. I was able to go into a vintage shop without fear of grubby little hands destroying lovely expensive things. I could stop in every store if I wanted without worrying about a small man’s behavior or needs. Yes, I did have a milk box, peanut butter sandwich, and veggie chips in the car but they were in case I got hungry.

I was in the mood for big sloppy burgers so we walked down to Carytown burgers and fries. I would have been impossible to order a burger there while navigating a stroller, the place was super packed when we got there around 12:15. My girlfriend and I both ordered the Kojack with guacamole, fires, and a beer. I rarely ever drink while the sun is out but this was a celebration and I enjoyed 2 beers without worry of getting my baby drunk on my boob juice. How nice to not have to rush through a meal and to be able to eat my food while it’s still hot instead of feeding Orion.

Someday I look forward to taking Orion to all sorts of museums but he is at the age now where if he can’t touch it and run around he is not interested. The Virginia Museum of Fine Arts was crowed which usually drives me insane but I was in such a good mood and just happy to see people out supporting art and enjoying Chihuly’s wonderful glasswork. We were able to take our time meandering through the museum and exhibit up to a point as I did have a 2 hour drive home and one could spend all day in that museum. At 4, we chatted over a hot cup of coffee without fear of it burning fresh baby flesh. Then it was time to go even though we did not get to talk as much as we wanted or see everything there was to see.

For the first time all day, I began to get nervous while driving home. How are my boys doing? What if I get a speeding ticket, or get into an accident or the car breaks down. I played out each of these scenarios in my head. When I got near Fredericksburg, a light flurry of snow began to fall and most drivers in Virginia are clueless about driving in snow so there was always a slow down if we were driving downhill. I was running a bit late so I called Patrick when I was about 30 minutes from home to let him know where I was. I got home around 7pm and was very surprised to find that everything was perfectly fine

I walked in the house and Orion came running over to the babygate with a small toy mouse in each hand. He really wanted to show me his mice but the TV was on so he soon returned to his chair to finish watching his program. I was able to have a civilized conversation with my husband, tell him about my day, and show him the cute things I purchased. Then I asked Orion if he wanted to nurse. There was no reply until I turned off the TV and he was all “when did those boobs get here?”. I nursed him and he was asleep in no time and slept through the night.

I was expecting to walk in the door to an upset crying baby and a husband at the end of his rope. Orion would run over to me, claw at my shirt and nurse for hours and be up a few times in the night. I was so happy to be wrong. That day we had 3 nursing sessions and nursed for just over an hour. Since then he has nursed 7 times a day for 3-4 hours per day. This supports my theory that if I want to wean him I will need to leave him. Working full time is starting to look pretty good. Now I just need to find a job that will pay me enough to cover the cost of daycare or even better has daycare available. Meh, I would rather be with my baby even if he loves my boobs more than me.

I made Patrick tell me all about their day together repeatedly so I could imagine it all in my head. Patrick was also surprised by how well Orion did without me all day long. Orion napped in the car, then they went to the indoor playground. Keeping busy and having snacks is important to keep Orion happy. But if there are boobs, he will want them and I have a hard time saying no but we are working on it. Maybe in another 21 months I will be able to have a night away. I hope it doesn't take that long but maybe once a month I can have a day away. I came back refreshed and excited to see my baby, I recommend it highly for every mom!

Getting Grumpy over Costco Gas

2013-02-02T03:12:00.000-08:00

Since we have been living in the Northern Virginia suburbs for 5 years and have a toddler, it was only a matter of time before we joined Costco. We joined about 4 months ago after a friend took me on a Costco trip so I could check it out. If we used formula and disposable diapers we probably would have joined sooner because you can save big money on those expensive items. After asking some friends and Facebook groups what they like about Costco and their products, it seemed the savings on gas would make the membership worthwhile.

Costco Gas isn't really out of the way for me to stop and fill the tank but I never seem to be heading that way when I need gas. Sometimes the gas is 10 cents cheaper and sometimes it is 4 cents cheaper. Sometimes the lines are crazy long and that parking lot is always an insane death trap. I have seen things at the Costco pumps that I have not witnessed at other gas stations. Why do people always get in their car and wait for their tank to fill up, how big is your tank? I know it is cold but I have seen this on hot, cold, and mild days. If there are 5 cars in front of me and everyone is getting in and out of their cars, that wastes at least 5 minutes of my time. That can be a big deal if I have an unhappy baby in the car.

People also do not like to pull around if the second pump in the lane opens up but there is someone at the first pump. The place was designed so you can pull around to the pump that is free in your lane. Don’t run anyone over, be safe and all but don’t be a wimp. People, you should know how big your car is and how to drive your car. I saw a minivan today try to pull away from the first pump but the guy at the second pump the next lane over was in the way so the van honked at him. Dude moved over and the van still could not get around every though they had 5 feet of clearance to begin with. So that minivan had to wait for the car at the second pump in his lane to drive away. If you can’t handle the Costco pump, I would hate to see you parallel park on the tiny streets of Philadelphia, or anywhere. Know how to operate your vehicle!

Also, the pumps are designed so you can use the pump to fill your tank regardless of what side your gas cap is on. The nozzle will stretch around to the other side of your car which means that you never pull up on the wrong side. Why isn't every pump like this? We own two cars and the tanks are on different sides and I always forget which side the gas tank is on when I drive the fun car instead of the mom car.

So please, when pumping gas at Costco, stay at the pump while you fill up your car, pull forward when space is available, pull out when you are done, know how big your car is and how to maneuver. Pick whatever lane you want, I will always go for the shortest line and not which side my tank is located.

Sleep, it's complicated

2013-01-24T05:47:00.001-08:00

I hate that feeling of ”is he sleeping or did the worst thing ever happen?”. We stopped leaving the baby monitor on at night when he was around a year old but we still have it hooked up in his room with units in our bedroom and kitchen. I will grope for the unit in the dark and turn it on, holding it close to my ear waiting for any sounds of breathing or snoring. Hearing him sleep is the best sound ever. It is a reassurance of life and peace.

Now that he is older, the fear of SIDS has gone away along with some of my irrational fears. I remember those nights of “should I go in and check on him or will that wake him up?” and some nights they make a comeback. I hate that feeling of that the house is way too quite. I can remember going into his room and practically putting my face on his chest to ensure it was still moving up and down at a healthy pace.

If I do hear Orion cry out, cough, or make any other unusual sound in the night it causes me physical pain. I hear it and almost shit myself with worry. The bottom drops out of my stomach and I am on my feet ready for action. This is why I had to shut off the baby monitor, to prevent myself from running to his bedside anytime he made the smallest sound. Granted, the worry has been replaced a bit with a fear of losing sleep. If he is crying and I hear I cannot sleep, we are not cry it our people. I just want to make it stop as quickly as possible so I can go back to sleep.

I am way more excited to see my baby after we both enjoy a full night of sleep. Many nights I have gone to bed at 8 or 9 because I know he will be up at some point in the night like he was the night before or because I am just plain exhausted. Some of those nights end with me waking up at 4am to take a slash only to be unable to fallback asleep. Regardless of how tired I am, I have always had a hard time falling asleep and falling back asleep. There are nights when I jealously listen to the sound of my husband and baby snoring happily and soundly. Patrick has the ability to fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He has even fallen asleep while talking or reading me a bedtime story. (Before Orion came along he used to read me bedtime stories. He read me all the Harry Potter books, Snow Crash, and The Once and Future King to name a few)

It is rare that I am out of bed before Orion. He usually wakes up between 6 and 7am. That is when decent human beings should wake up. 4am is for farmers, 5am is cruel, and sleeping in past 10 is for stoners and teenage boys. The worst is when Orion wakes up at 4am. He is not a farmer and has no business being up that early. The chance of getting him back to bed is slim but I will try in the hopes of catching some more zzzzs. If he is truly up I know that a 7am naptime is possible and I have to decide to drink coffee and not be able to sleep during that nap but be awake now of stay sleep and miserable until we both get our nap.

When I am out of bed before baby boy I get filled with this feeling of excitement at seeing him for the first time. He somehow looks cuter and acts sweeter. My stomach gets filled with the fuzzy buzz of glee that he slept all night and I am recharged and ready for the day ahead. I want to scoop him up in my arms while he tells me all about his dreams in his secret language.

Some mornings when I am up before him I know that it will not last long. I will think “OK, I heard snoring, he is sleeping but he will wake up any second now so I can't really get anything started”. I don’t want to fold that laundry because he will wake up and throw it all on the floor. I can’t take a shower because he will wake up as soon as the shampoo touches my hair. The great thing is that I actually don’t need to do anything. This can be a hard thing for a mom to realize and actually do because there are always a million things that need to be done. The luxury of enjoying a hot cup of coffee alone while checking the Facebook without a baby on the loose is an indulgence. Sometimes you need to do nothing and you will be better for it.

If anyone out there is thinking about becoming a parent but are unsure here is a little trail you can set for yourself. Set an alarm clock to go off every 2 hours between 7pm and 7am. Once it goes off pace up and down your bedroom or hallway while holding and rocking a 10lb bag of sugar (or whatever) for 20 minutes. Repeat this for at least 6 weeks and see how you feel. Bonus points if you repeat this trail 9 months later. Having a newborn is hard but then you start sleeping through the night and you return to the joys of a full night’s sleep and think the worst is behind you. Then out of nowhere, BAM! Baby is up 2, 3, 4 times a night. It’s like they want to remind you of how far they have come, and how much it used to suck, and aren’t you glad that doesn’t happen every night. Really baby, you do not need to remind me.

To breed again or not to breed again

2013-01-23T05:13:00.002-08:00

On a good day I will think that we should totally have a sibling for Orion. Months ago I spent some time watching a friend’s lovable daughter who gets along amazingly with Orion. For the first time I thought, “Hey, I could chase after 2 kids, I am ready for this”. We could try for a girl this March and she would be born under the sign of Aquarius in 2014. Before I got pregnant, I did not care if I would have a boy or girl, I really wanted an Aquarius. That window closed quickly and we had a bouncing baby boy so now I want a girl.

Patrick has always wanted a daughter and I like to give my husband what he wants even though I know there really isn't any picking and choosing when giving birth to a baby. I may just be setting us up for disappointment. I have an older brother so to me having two kids, a boy and a girl, just makes sense. (I hate it when people say that they do not care about the sex as long as the baby is healthy. What if the baby isn't healthy, you won’t love it? They should just say they don’t care as long as it is a baby and not a Power Puff Girl. These chicks also hate it)

But then we have our bad days and I think Orion should be an only child like his father. When Orion doesn't sleep and I don’t sleep or he nurses nonstop I think there is no way in hell I could handle another baby. 2 years of not sleeping followed by 9 months of being pregnant and another 2 years of not sleeping is holy shit crazy bananas. What if baby #2 isn't an easy baby like Orion, what if she has colic and never ever sleeps through the night. What if Orion doesn't want to have a sibling? What if he isn't weaned and becomes jealous of the new baby for taking away his boobs. What if I can’t do it, can’t take care of two kids, what if I get sick? Because of having MS, I feel like I need to be done with all my baby making by 35 because things get more complicated after 35. In just a matter of days I will be 33 which leaves me about 2 years to have a baby. The clock is ticking.

Prior to the craziness that started just before Christmas with sickness and not sleeping, I was primed to get pregnant around March/April. Now, I feel like I really cannot do it until Orion is fully weaned and sleeping independently. I had these feelings before but thought maybe it would work itself out. After all, I hear some babies wean once mama gets pregnant because they do not like the taste as much.

It isn’t even the nursing but the lack of sleep that is freaking me out. When I was pregnant I was working on my feet full time which slowly got cut back more and more. After work I had to nap for a few hours because I was exhausted. I can only imagine that pregnancy #2 I will be in need of long daily naps in the middle of the day. Orion takes his naps on me but as my belly grows, that might become an issue. I can at least get him off the boob for his naps but if I try to put him down it is over. And if Orion is still interrupting my nighttime sleep I may be is big trouble.

I have said jokingly that I have been waiting for Orion to be able to have a conversation with me about naps, nursing, and sleeping through the night. Maybe I need to add having a sibling to that list. Since he will be 2 in April, I feel we should be at this point where we can talk about it but he doesn't speak much which kinda freaks me out. He has said 10 words or so but chooses to speak in his gobbly gook which is indecipherable.

For now, I guess Orion will continue to be an only child. If we wait too long and can’t get pregnant again, we have talked about adoption. I know adoption is not easy and no one will just hand us a baby and that it could take years. Even if we do have a second child or choose to not get pregnant again we may adopt anyway. We have also talked about being foster parents. I spent some time working as a driver for a foster care company and really loved those kids and wonder what they are doing now. Sometimes I even think that when I grow up I could go into social work and work in the foster care system.

With all the ups and downs of raising Orion, I really do love being his mom regardless of last night’s dream that had me running away to Florida with friends then calling Patrick in tears as soon as I arrived that I would take the next flight home. I have even thought that no child could ever come anywhere close to the awesomeness that is Orion. He is so cute and sweet that there is no way to top that. I do know that it isn't a contest between kids. We will just have to wait and see if there will be kids. Sometimes making plans is surest way to be disappointed.

Nursing a toddler: the good, the bad, and the ugly

2013-01-21T15:13:00.001-08:00

Orion will be 21 months old next week and he still nurses like an infant, but only in all the annoying ways. We nurse when he wakes up, then before breakfast, and after breakfast, before lunch, during his nap, after nap, pre-dinner and then to fall asleep at night. He won’t nurse long enough for me to enjoy an entire episode of Ellen or any of the other million shows taking up space on my DVR. Then there are the really quick nursing sessions that are pointless. It’s like he does to just prove that he can or he needs to touch home base but it only counts if it is boob to mouth.

The worst part is that he has refused to nurse on my right side for months leaving good old lefty with all the action. This means lefty is a heavyweight while no milk righty is back down to her pre-fighting weight. You would think he would be done with my right nipple but oh no it is now a toy. Righty is now a plaything for him to poke, pinch, and twist while he nurses on the good boob. This really drives me insane. I have to remind myself to keep righty covered which can be hard to remember when a crying baby wakes you in the middle of the night and you find sleeping in clothes strange.

Nursing a toddler is not comfortable. He loves to slap my face or drum on my boob while my nipple is in his mouth. Somehow he can still manage to put if his in my face. At his 18 month checkup he was 32.5 inches long and 25 lbs. and 13ozs. Go grab something with those measurements and try holding it to your nipple for 20 minutes, bonus points if it is squirmy. Orion doesn't seem to notice that he has gotten any bigger so he tries to nurse in the same positions he did when he was an infant not realizing that me and my nipple cannot contort into those position any longer.

And the teeth, so many teeth! He loves to drag his teeth along my nipple before he lets go. He does on occasion bite and we did go through a very bitey phase but for the most part he just has a lazy dismount.

So why do I still do it? For one, I do not know how not to nurse. I do not know how to refuse my baby (I know he isn’t a baby anymore but he will always be my baby) something he wants and that I can provide that gives him such wonderful nourishment and comfort. If he doesn't get it he will pull at my shirt and has stretched out a few of my necklines. And because this is what we have always done and I still hold on to the delusion that one day he won’t want it anymore.

If he wakes in the night I can (usually) nurse him back to sleep in no time with less physical effort than standing, holding him, and rocking him to sleep for a half hour. If he is sick, nursing will provide him comfort and good antibodies. If he falls I can whip out a boob and wipe those tears away! It is awesome to see his happy sleep face nestled against my breast. But these are on our good days which are becoming less and less.

I want him to want me for me and not what my breasts can provide. My arms can comfort him just as well as my breasts. I can wipe those tears away with kisses and keep my shirt on. I want to be a weaner. If he was nursing on both sides or only nursing 3 times a day or if I could leave the house wearing a real bra, a dress, or shirts that do not have easy access to my nipples, maybe I would continue nursing. But our current situation is just too much for me to handle. Sometimes I find nursing stressful because I am sore and neither of us can get comfortable. At night when I try to nurse him back to sleep, it can take way longer than I would like and it can make me feel a bit angry. Since I have the boobs and Orion associates them with sleep, it is me that he wants when it is time to sleep or when he wakes up in the night. It would be great if Dad could put him to sleep/get him to nap/get him back to sleep.

I also do not want to force or rush our nursing relationship to an end. So I try to keep us busy and out of the house as much as we can during a Mid-Atlantic winter. Last week when we went to the indoor playground he did not want to nurse at any time but he did go over to the highchairs to tell me that he was ready for a snack. I try to distract him, if he wants to nurse I will offer him a sippy cup, a snack, story time, or some other activity. This can make him mad and end in tears with a boob in the mouth. When I try to delay nursing it will usually frustrate him as well. Baby just doesn't seem to have much concept of time. I guess I need to get him a baby wristwatch.

I have always nursed on demand and starting around 11 months went the “don’t offer, don’t refuse” route. I don’t even understand how “don’t offer, don’t refuse” is even a method for weaning. It has not changed anything. Orion has always nursed so much that it can be hard to keep track. The first 6 weeks he was home I timed and noted every nursing session and which side he nursed. I guess it is time to start making these notes and then systemically start refusing a few nursing sessions.

This past Friday I had a doctor’s appointment and it felt so good to leave the house wearing a real bra, earrings, and a necklace. I was even joking with the phlebotomist that I was just happy to be out of the house. My body has not been my own for about 30 months, that is 2 ½ years. I would like to have my body back because I am oh so selfish. I need a month or two to have my body be mine if I am ever going to get pregnant again. I know some people say that getting pregnant helped them wean but I worry that it wouldn't work for us, being pregnant and nursing would exhaust me, and that Orion would resent the new baby for taking what was his.

I am still hoping that one day soon he just will not want to nurse. Maybe I can give him chocolate milk like in Desperate Housewives and he will only want that instead of nursing. Legend has it that when I was nursing I was all business, often to the disappointment of my engorged mother. I did not hang out on the boob, I was 3 chugs then off. (I also loved being my crib so I was just the coolest baby ever) Around 9 months I rejected the boob like it was something disgusting and that was the end of that. Funny that my guy is such a booby monster, I guess this is just the first of many ways that my baby will be drastically different from me.

I have been waiting to change up our routine, when we nurse and how we sleep. I have used excuses like he is sick or he is teething. I keep saying that next week we will really work on this nap nursing situation but next week never comes. I worry that I have ruined Orion and spoiled him with my boobs. Then I see him playing with other kids and he is happy and kind. He shares well and isn't possessive of me or his toys. He is a toddler so there are times when he does not want to share whatever he is playing with at the moment but this is a kid who will have 2 cars in his hand and will give me one so I can play with him. He does not cling to my legs when we are in a group setting and will often go off on his own to play happy as a clam.

There is a part of me that wants to go on vacation alone for 2 weeks in the hopes that I will come back to a happy weaned baby who sleeps independently and through the night. Or maybe I could put him in daycare for a month and they would work their magic and solve my problems. What I really want is more me time, an hour to myself in the middle of the day while he naps seems like such a luxury. I also want my time with my son to be because he wants me and not my milk.

I know I will have to work hard to change this relationship and it will not be easy. Change has started, I now nurse him to bed at night in his room instead of our bed. If he wakes at night I nurse him in his room and not in our bed. But I still nurse him for naps in our room so maybe today I will change this and nurse him to sleep in his room and hopefully he will stay asleep when I remove him from the breast and put him in his crib. (He has only ever napped in his crib a handful of times) I also need to put an end to napping in the car. These two changes will start today and hopefully bring us a few gentle steps closer to the end of nursing. (Update: today he feel asleep unexpectedly on the boob an hour before his usual naptime)

Resolutions 2013

2013-01-02T13:38:00.001-08:00

If we were the type of family to make resolutions, they would be the following:

Orion:
Get off the boob and sleep independently
Use my words
Be diaper free by the end of 2013

Charlotte:
Stop cursing
Exercise more
Write more

Patrick:
Stop cursing
Sleep more (we all need that one)
Return to the joys of cycling

The new year is a great time to take stock of your life and see what areas need improvement. It is also a great time to open a new toothbrush and replace your water filter. 2012 is kind of a blur, it happened and i was there but...

It seems my life is divided by before baby and after baby. 2012 I tried to be a really nice person, I started meal planning, and made a household budget. These are all good things that have become habit. None of them were resolutions, if I made resolutions last year I have no clue what they were. At this point, I will view 2013 as a great success if I can stop cursing in front of my child and we can all overcome this cold we have been dealing with for the past 2 weeks.

What an Ideal 2013 would look like for me on a daily basis

2013-01-01T05:14:00.003-08:00

I would wake up every day at 6 am without an alarm clock as if by magic feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. First thing would be to write 3 pages stream of conciseness. Then I would ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes. After, I would hit the shower and then get dressed. Around 7am Orion would wake up and Patrick would change him and give him breakfast. (In this ideal year we would no longer be nursing.)

After I eat breakfast, Orion and I would have morning story time or do an activity à la Playat Home mom. Then he would have some independent play time while I wrote these here blog posts. We might even run an errand or have a play date. Lunch would be around 11 or noon and would include healthy, organic, homemade deliciousness that Orion would gobble down with gusto. Lunch would be followed by some light playtime/story time to get Orion ready for nap time. Nap time would last from 1 until 3 and he would fall asleep easily without my assistance.

After naptime, we would enjoy an hour of playtime together. Then at 4 I would start cooking dinner which we would eat no later than 6pm. While I cook dinner Orion is playing happily and safely by himself and not watching any television. Dinner would be met with the same excitement as lunch and Orion would no longer throw his sippy cup/plate/bowl/spoon/fork.

After dinner there would be some quality father and son playtime that would fill the house with giggles. Two or three times a week we would have bath night which is one of Orion’s favorite activities. Orion would be soundly asleep in his bed between 7 and 7:30. Then I would still have energy left over to spend some time at the sewing machine. Before my 10pm bedtime, I would write 3 things about my day which would clear out my brains and leave me set to fall asleep quickly.

Looks pretty simple and boring I know but it is my wish for the New Year. I know weaning will not happen overnight but it is something to work towards. So far, we are off to a pretty good start with just this blog post. Happy New Year!

DYRN: Teething Tablets

2012-08-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

Do you really need teething tablets? Yes because at some point your baby will cut teeth and be miserable which will make you feel miserable and helpless. The best piece of advice I have ever gotten came from a total stranger. I don’t remember where I was, maybe I was in line for something and she just happened by. Orion wasn't being fussy and was really quite small at the time. This woman told me about Hyland’s teething tablets and spelled out the name. Orion wasn't teething at the time but I made a mental note and filed that advice away for later.

When Orion did start teething, I went to CVS, bought the teething tablets and a razberry teething pacifier. Both turned out to be good investments but I would be lost without Hyland’s. These teething tablets have helped to soothe my baby when he has a mouthful of ouch. When I first started giving him the tablets, he would fight me and not open his mouth. After the first few days of giving him the tablets, he would happily open his mouth for me. Now, I can put 3 tablets in the palm of my hand and he will pick them up and put them in his mouth all by himself. He knows what they are for and he knows they help.

I really wish babies would get their teeth all at once or in the span of a week or month. It is an ongoing process and whenever Orion has on his tightest fussy pants, I wash my hands and check his gums with my finger. This has become more dangerous with each new tooth but it is the best way to check for swollen gums and new teeth. When we have new teeth on the way, I give him 3 Hyland’s tablets and try to cut him some slack. Extra cuddles, even more nursing, and a bit more of his favorite TV show.

In October 2010 there was a voluntary recall of these teething tables. The original concern was the amount of Belladonna in the tablets. What is the risk of overdosing?

"From Dr. Iris Bell, Hyland’s Medical Director: We have added child- resistant caps to Hyland’s Baby Teething Tablets to make it harder for children to accidentally dose themselves. Additionally, with the prior formula, a 10-pound child would need to have ingested at least six bottles of 125 Teething Tablets at once before experiencing the first mild side effect of dry mouth. Today, a child would have to ingest, at the same time, more than a dozen bottles of 135 Teething Tablets before experiencing dry mouth from the product. The body clears Belladonna alkaloids from any dose in a matter of hours (it is unlikely to build up in the system when taken as directed on the package label)."

The tablets came back on the market in 2011 and there was much rejoicing among moms. Hyland’s are homeopathic which is something my husband is very distrustful of but he loves Hyland’s teething tablets and believes in the effect they have. I am so glad we are able to use these tablets to provide some relief when Orion is teething. I really think Hyland's teething tablets are the only option when it comes to taking care of a teething baby. Thank you random stranger for that bit of advice which i have shared every chance I get!

Was the Great Nurse-In a total bust?

2012-08-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

This was the site of the Nurse-In as we left just before 2pm.

The First Annual Great Nurse-In was held on August 4th in Washington DC. The event took place on the west lawn of the Capital Building. No, it was not a total bust but how could I resist that cheesy headline! I did find the event a little disappointing but that was mostly because I did not educate myself on the event before I went. I just saw this was happening and went. In typical Charlotte fashion, I did not read the details.

We were there from noon until 2 and the place was pretty empty. The event started at 9am and was scheduled till 4pm. People came and went throughout the day but it was pretty empty when we were there. It was in the upper 90’s which may have kept some people away. Since it wasn’t crowded, we were able to find a nice spot in the shade. Their facebook page listed an unofficial attendance of 600 people. We did not register because we never thought to (more on that later).

The area on the west lawn was difficult to access with a stroller because the lower part of the lawn was closed for turf restoration. There were metal steps set up over the small wall for people to walk over. I was very glad to be there with a friend because we could work together to hoist our strollers over the wall without too much difficulty. Of course, Orion became obsessed with the dirty old rusty stairs and they were all he wanted to play with during the event. There were baby pools set up which I had thought belonged to an individual but were actually apart of the event. Had I realized this before we were about to leave, Orion would have enjoyed splashing and I could have chased him less.

When we got there we took a stroll past all the tables. The first table we visited had a display of nursing bras and tops. The woman working the table was very engaging and explained where they were from and that they can’t sell anything on the National mall. The next few tables had face painting, crafts for kids, and bubbles for the kids to play with. Orion is a bit young for face painting and crafts but I am glad they had activities for the kids. Both sides of the lawn had water stations set up with a couple of cisterns and cups. I made sure to bring extra water but was happy to see a spot to refill my bottles. I also witnessed a cyclist who just happened to be in the area take advantage of the water. Ti was such a hot day that staying hydrated was vital especially when you are breastfeeding.

There was a first aid table set up which I am glad we did not need. The next table had samples of Milkmakers cookies and Happy Baby snacks. We picked up the sunny buddies and mixed fruit yogis. Orion likes them both and I only wish we had grabbed more! The cookies were decent but I make pretty great lactation boosting cookies. So far pretty awesome and off to a good start!

There was a nice wind blowing which was good for us but not so good for the tables they had set up. The blue plastic table cloths would blow away from the table and whatever was on them would fly off. We were camped out near two tables with laminated maps and no one sitting there. One map you could put a sticker to note where you were from and the other where you had breastfed. They had sharpie markers and stickers which kept blowing away and being destroyed by toddlers, mine included.

A few of the tables were not engaging. I saw a sign on one table about letters to a nursing mom but I wasn’t drawn in to investigate it further. It is hard to take the time to write something when chasing or holding a toddler. No one asked us to register our attendance at any of the tables so we never thought to register. I did end up talking with a few of the event organizers at the water station who thanked me for coming out which was very nice to hear. I thanked them for having the event and think it will get better every year.

We saw people walking around with buttons and temporary tattoos and wanted to know where we could get some. I asked the mom next to us who told me she got her’s at last night’s latch party but I could ask at the volunteer table. I went to the volunteer table and asked for a button. I was given one by someone who did not have very much to say, I felt like I was getting away with something. I was very happy to score a button and what can I say, I like free stuff. i would have bought a T-shirt or bumper sticker if they had any for sale.

There was a stage set up and speakers playing music. The music stopped for a while and I was afraid they were packing up early. I guess it was just a lunch break and shorty the music resumed. We saw Marsha Goodman preform and enjoyed her fun songs like Why Can’t you Dance on Jupiter, Sheep Don’t Wear Shoes, and Ninja School. If I was a performer I would have been shitting my pants. It was like playing for no one or a bunch of vampires because very few ventured out of the shade. She did not let that stop her and put on a nice show.

I did not know about the BigLatch-On which took place at 10:30am. This was a public breast feeding record attempt which takes place every year. I missed it last year but the chances are pretty good that Orion will still be nursing next year so I will defiantly want to participate. The record to beat was last year's world record of 5,867 woman breastfeeding children. This year the record has been set at 8,862 breastfeeders in 626 locations over 23 different countries around the world. That is pretty awesome!

The Nurse-In’s mission is to normalize breastfeeding. This topic has been all over the news since the attachment parenting article graced the cover of Time magazine with a mom nursing her 4 year old. That image had very little to do with the article but it was a sure way to increase dwindling magazine sales. I think it is funny that in the US we have to normalize breastfeeding. This was the norm before the invention of formula in 1867 and its increase in popularity in 1907. I am amazed by how prudish Americans are when it comes to flashing a bit of female nipple.

I do believe that breast is best. Mothers need to know that there is support for them if they want to breastfeed and the laws supporting breastfeeding in public. Not every mother chooses or is able to breastfeed and it is their personal choice. (I read this post today and it totally made me cry) Babies can be raised happily and healthily on formula. Each individual mother needs to assess their situation, their body, and their child to decide what is best for them. I think they will always chose to do what is best for their family. Breastfeeding can seem like a daunting task. There are pumps, special bras and tops, nursing pads, and creams. WIC will pay for formula but not for supplies that assist in breastfeeding.

If you want to breastfeed exclusively, do not keep formula in the house as it will make it so easy to cave in and use it when you are having a rough day. You could choose keep it in your attic, basement, or garage but not in the kitchen staring you in the face taunting you. You could even ask a friend to hold it for you in case of an emergency. Formula companies market heavily towards mothers who choose to breastfeed. If you want more coupons for formula, tell Motherhood Maternity that you plan to breastfed when checking out and you will get more coupons than you would if you were to tell them your plans to use formula. This post by the Feminist Breeder on this topic is awesome! Breastfeeding is not easy but it helps to have a great lactation consultant or support group to reach out to when you are having a hard time or have questions.

I look forward to the Great Nurse-In and the Big Latch On next year and hope to be more involved and informed about these events. I think they will get bigger and better every year! I also expect it will educate many women on their rights as a breastfeeding mom and the resources that are available to them.

You can read more about this event here, here, and here.

10 reasons why I no longer use a nursing cover

2012-08-11T06:08:00.000-07:00

I have a beautiful nursing cover that was a shower gift from my amazing Aunt Mary. I used this cover frequently when Orion was little. Early in our breast feeding relationship, I was very nervous about nursing in public. This cover provided me with some modesty and privacy. Now, I no longer use this lovely cover and here’s why:

1. Orion no longer likes it when I use the cover.

2. It can get hot under that cover.

3. Orion likes to use it as a flag.

4. If hairy men with man boobs can walk around topless why can’t I whip out a nipple to feed my baby?

5. I think it draws more attention, why is that lady wearing a tent and why is it wiggling, instead of just a mom holding her baby.

6. I don’t want to always have to carry around one more thing.

7. If we are out, at say the indoor playground, and my baby falls, hurts himself, cries, and wants to nurse I don’t want to have to make him wait while I go get my nursing cover or have to carry it on my person at all times.

8. They are just boobs!

9. A flash of nipple for 10 seconds before my baby latches on and obscures everything and the 10 seconds it takes me to cover up after won’t traumatize anyone.

10. Because I do not have to.

Know your rights and don't let anyone stop you from feeding your baby in whatever why YOU are comfortable with and if they don't like it they can look away, close their eyes, or move along! The following information came from here

"Forty-five states, the District of Columbia and the Virgin Islands have laws that specifically allow women to breastfeed in any public or private location. (Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Washington, Wisconsin and Wyoming.)

Twenty-eight states, the District of Columbia and the Virgin Islands exempt breastfeeding from public indecency laws. (Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Florida, Illinois, Kentucky, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin and Wyoming.)

Twenty-four states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico have laws related to breastfeeding in the workplace. (Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, Washington and Wyoming.)

Twelve states and Puerto Rico exempt breastfeeding mothers from jury duty. (California, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Oregon and Virginia.)

Five states and Puerto Rico have implemented or encouraged the development of a breastfeeding awareness education campaign. (California, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri and Vermont.)

Several states have unique laws related to breastfeeding. For instance,

Virginia allows women to breastfeed on any land or property owned by the state. Puerto Rico requires shopping malls, airports, public service government centers and other select locations to have accessible areas designed for breastfeeding and diaper changing that are not bathrooms.

At least two states have laws related to child care facilities and breastfeeding. Louisiana prohibits any child care facility from discriminating against breastfed babies. Mississippi requires licensed child care facilities to provide breastfeeding mothers with a sanitary place that is not a toilet stall to breastfeed their children or express milk, to provide a refrigerator to store expressed milk, to train staff in the safe and proper storage and handling of human milk, and to display breastfeeding promotion information to the clients of the facility.

California requires the Department of Public Health to develop a training course of hospital policies and recommendations that promote exclusive breastfeeding and specify staff for whom this model training is appropriate. The recommendation is targeted at hospitals with patients who ranked in the lowest 25 percent of the state for exclusive breastfeeding rates.

Maryland exempts the sale of tangible personal property that is manufactured for the purpose of initiating, supporting or sustaining breastfeeding from the sales and use tax.

California, New York and Texas have laws related to the procurement, processing, distribution or use of human milk.

New York created a Breastfeeding Mothers Bill of Rights, which is required to be posted in maternal health care facilities. New York also created a law that allows a child under one year of age to accompany the mother to a correctional facility if the mother is breastfeeding at the time she is committed.”

Benefits of Meal Planning

2012-08-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing for years now how helpful it is to plan your meals. Not sure why I waited so long to give it a try. Most days, I would call Patrick at work and ask if there was anything in particular he was in the mood for dinner. Then I would stare into our refrigerator waiting for dinner inspiration to jump out at me. Patrick is better at cooking on the fly then me, I prefer to work from a recipe. Most nights we would be able to pull off a tasty meal, some nights were not so delicious, and other nights we picked up a Peruvian chicken.

Grocery shopping is something that seems to take place a few times a week. We would go to super market or farmer’s market and buy what looked good or what was on sale. After the big shopping trip, we would run out a few times a week to pick up things we forgot, ran out of, or needed for a recipe. I like to shop local and seasonal which is still possible with meal planning. I think meal planning will help me to shop local more often because I will be better prepared and organized.

When my father passed away I inherited a treasure trove of recipes. He really enjoyed cooking as did my mother and her mother. Many of their recipes were included in his gigantic recipe box. I went through the box and picked some out that sounded good and made a mini recipe book. This past Monday I went through that collection and picked a few to make this week.

I am proud to say that I have cooked or baked every day this week and have been excited to do so. I was happy to eat my leftovers even though not everything turned put perfectly. It was nice to attempt my mother’s spinach pie recipe even though the recipe left out what to do with the butter and the eggs. It also mentioned baking powder in the ingredients and baking soda in the instructions. I still love this recipe card because it is typed in my father’s words. He talks about being my mother’s “scullery maid, learning from the master, apprenticed under my favorite mother-in-law”.

Food has always been a big part of my family as well as my life with Patrick. The taste and smell of food can transport you to a time and place and trigger a memory long buried. On a few occasions, Patrick has come home and remarked that something I was cooking smelled just like something his grandmother Kate had made. This always makes me feel good about my cooking even before we take our first bite. I want my son to have an appreciation for food and the recipes of my parents and grandmother. We have a lot of cookbooks in our house that my husband would read cover to cover. There are also countless recipes on the internet but there is nothing like a recipe from your childhood or one written in your mother’s handwriting.

When Patrick and I first got together his culinary skills really impressed me. I had been of the mind set for years that food was fuel and on a few occasions I can remember remarking that I wished I could eat my food in capsule form because it would be quick, easy, and brainless. I could make a mean grilled cheese but cooking did not interest me. I am glad that I am no longer that person and I now take great pleasure in cooking. It really wasn’t until we moved to Virginia over 4 years ago that I started actively cooking. Patrick was working, I was looking for a job, and I was tasked with getting dinner on the table. When it comes to meals, I am my harshest critic and can be really disappointed when something does not turn out well. But I don’t let that stop me from trying new recipes and cooking even if I think Patrick is the better cook.

I want to get in the habit of sitting down with my vast collection of recipes and plan out our meals for the upcoming week. This will let me get in touch with my parents and my past as well as feed and nurture my family. I think it will make me more excited to cook dinner and save me time and money. I won’t have to wonder 5 times a week what too cook and I won’t be tempted to waste money going to the grocery store 5 times in a week. I also won’t be as tempter to give up and go out to eat or grab a chicken. I will also be able to plan my shopping and coordinate when the farmer’s market takes place.

Last week, I meal planned on Monday and this is what week one looked like.

Monday - Pasta with cannellini beans, roasted eggplant, and sautéed yellow squash.

Tuesday – Provencal chicken with tomatoes, olives, and basil, before bed I made steel cut oatmeal in the crock pot.

Wednesday – Lentil and vegetable ragout (Korma) with rice and I made spinach pie.

Thursday - We were supposed to go out to dinner with friends because it is Farm to Fork week but Orion was sick so we ate leftovers and I made banana walnut brownies (my recipe here).

Friday – Tomato and avocado gazpacho and spiced beef cobbler.

We had a busy weekend with a friend coming to visit and the Great Nurse-In on Saturday. I have started to keep a food diary to record what we are eating and liking. I am being very careful to note what Orion seems to enjoy so I know to make it for him in the future. I am looking forward to sitting down on Monday to find some new recipes for the week ahead. I hope that this will solidify me as a great and adventurous cook in my son’s mind while putting him in touch with my parents.

What are you cooking this week? What are your favorite recipes? What are some of your favorite meals from your childhood?

Someone replaced my baby with a land shark

2012-07-30T05:29:00.004-07:00

I think most breastfeeding moms get a little worried once their baby starts cutting teeth. Those little baby teeth are so sharp! We have all heard that a baby won’t bite if they are latched correctly on the nipple. The truth is that a baby will bite if they want to bite. He would bite and laugh at my pain with a devilish smile. Orion has bitten my nipples here and there and we just went through a very bitey stage which I thought would never end. He liked to conclude our nursing sessions by dragging his teeth along my nipple.

Getting your nipples chewed on hurts! I have a pretty high tolerance for pain but the biting would often come as asuch a surprise. La, La, La, La, happy, happy nursing, oxytocin for me, la, la, happy, CHOMP, OUCH! He would bite and I would scream and fight my knee jerk reaction to hit back. (There is never any reason to hit a child or anyone for that matter!) I found that I would brace myself during every nursing session and hope to catch him so I could pull him off before the chomp. It became so frequent that I would scream and put him down at which point he would start to cry. If my husband was home, I would tell him that I needed some time and go into the office and close the door.

I have heard that you should NOT react when your baby bites you which is easier said than done. I know my baby loves cause and effect like I press this button and the TV goes on. I bite mommy and she makes a sound, awesome! Maybe it was a new game he wanted to play with me. I tired to stifle my scream but sometimes I would just have to let it out. i would not exaggerated my pain but at times my frustration may have made it a wee bit louder.

I have also heard that you should make a noise, then put them down and tell them no biting mommy.

“A mother's natural response to pain may discourage further biting. Many babies startle at their mother's loud exclamation and immediately release the nipple. Some may even cry. This negative reinforcement seems to make many babies stop completely. In MOTHERING YOUR NURSING TODDLER, Norma Jane Bumgarner observes,

Perhaps the reason that the vast majority of children learn not to bite so quickly is that we invariably react immediately and firmly to biting at the breast. There is probably no instance in which we apply behavior modification so immediately, decisively, and consistently. Besides, our children love us and respond to the urgency and sincerity with which we insist that they must not bite.

Such prompt and direct responses occasionally backfire with sensitive babies, who may react by refusing the breast altogether. This sudden disinterest in nursing or outright rejection of the breast is called a nursing strike. A nursing strike can be distinguished from actual weaning by its sudden onset and the fact that the baby seems miserable. It may take lots of coaxing to persuade a baby who has been "on strike" that it's okay to resume nursing. Therefore, it is wise not to exaggerate your response to biting beyond what is natural for you.”

I know he won’t nurse forever and I hope he is fully weaned by the time he is 2 years old. I would like to get pregnet again after his 2nd birthday but I would also like to spend some time neither breastfeeding or pregnant. My body has not been my own since August 2010 and i would like a break before I do it all again. Now that Orion is 15 months old but still nursing like a 4 month old and the “don’t offer, don’t refuse” method of weaning has gotten me nowhere, I realize that I do need to actively start to wean him. I am not a water fountain or squeaky toy. I am available for comfort which doesn’t need to involve my breasts. I want him to separate food from comfort.

When I nurse Orion, I promise to focus my attention on him. Maybe he was biting to get my attention because I was reading on my phone. We no longer nurse for hours, maybe a half hour at most. I can take the time we spend nursing to look at his happy face, enjoy our time together, and watch my milk pool in his mouth (I am surprised I still have milk! I thought maybe he was biting because I had dried up but nope.)

I will also try to keep him as busy as possible during the day. We will have playdates, run errands, go on adventures. If he is happy and active he will not think about nursing because he is bored.

I will also keep his belly filled with food! In the morning I usually get him up and bring him into bed to nurse in the hopes of getting more sleep which never happens. I need to get him up, changed, and then feed him something very yummy for breakfast like yogurt or zucchini bread. I can’t just put him in the highchair and give him cheerios because he never fills up on them. I need to offer him food every couple of hours. He never took to the bottle and has not been too happy with a sippy cup of milk but I will keep offering it and using his leftover milk in my coffee or cereal. I will also offer him a sippy cup of water which he really does enjoy.

Orion and I made it through our recent shark phase but I am not sure how or why. Maybe it was seeing his mother cry from frustration. Maybe he got the message that it hurts and he shouldn't make mommy scream. Maybe that game got old. Whatever it was, I am glad it is over. I hope being more present during our nursing sessions and offering him more to eat and more activity during the day will prevent the shark from resurfacing.

Will i see you at the Great Nurse-In at the National Mall on Saturday?

Mom's night out

2012-07-29T08:04:00.001-07:00

Woot, mom’s night out! I was really excited to stick my husband with a super fussy baby but as luck would have it I was able to get Orion to bed by 6:30. I have a very lucky husband. I had a night out and he had a night off. For the first time, I wasn’t even worried about the baby or my husband or my husband dealing with the baby. I was totally like “I am out and I will be back when I get back, peace!”

I threw on some lipstick, a real bra and footwear other than flip flops, so fancy! I drive our little Fiat 500 thumping M.I.A. but wishing I had Santogold. I felt so liberated, I wanted to go dancing but settled for dancing in the car. I get to the theater and meet up with 3 other moms to see Magic Mike. It was a super nice theater with huge seats and you didn’t need to fight for a piece of the arm rest. The floor was wood and not nasty sticky carpet, I wouldn’t feel bad about letting my baby crawl around on those floors.

The movie was fun. My favorite was Big Dick Richie and not because the obvious or because he is an enormous muscled man, which does help. But because the first time we see him he is behind a sewing machine working on a gold thong, wearing thick black glasses. The movie also made me feel old because (SPOLIER) once drugs came into play I knew it would be the downfall. We enjoy the movie with abandon, hooting and hollering but director StevenSoderbergh (yeah, right, I was surprised before I saw this movie that he was the director this was far from Ocean's 11 or Erin Brockovich) was really great at cutting just when things started to heat up.

After the movie, we walked up the street to grab some drinks. I enjoy 2 (2!) cucumber/cilantro gimlets which were very yummy. I am sure we would have sat there longer chatting, dishing, and getting to know each other if last call hadn’t been at 11. We are planning to get crazy at a real strip club one of these nights. I am going to start saving my dollar bills in a jar label thong money.

I got home around 11:15 (big night!) and my husband was in bed and the baby (I know he is no longer a baby but a 15 month old toddler, he will always be my baby much like every dog to me is a puppy, until it is too embarrassing for him) was still asleep. The house did not fall apart without me for 4 ½ hours! Orion woke up around 4am for about 45 minutes and we both slept till about 8am.

You hear it said that it is important for moms to make time for themselves. But it is more important for moms to allow themselves to enjoy that time. There have been a few other occasions when I got out of the house for a few hours for me time but spent so much of that time stressing and worrying about the baby and that the baby was driving my husband crazy. It is so seldom that I get me time, that when I do, I will never again let worry spoil it for me.

I only wish the weekends were longer so I could have a day and my husband could have a day and we could still take care of all the other things which usually fill up a weekend. I do think that weeknights will start to get easier with Orion going to bed earlier and sleeping through the night. I can have a mom night out on a week night and Patrick has his dad’s night out. It really is important for us to get out, talk with other moms/dads and have fun. I am really thankful that we have found such a great group of people to enjoy these times with.

It took me 9 months to get out of the house and go to a mom group and I am so glad I did. Every Friday we get together for a playdate, it keeps Orion busy and me. We have both made some good friends and Patrick is now getting to know some of the dads. How cool would it be if Orion was making friends in this group that he will have for years! And I get to watch all these other little babies grow up which is really special.

I encourage all you mom’s out there to join a mom group! Find one you like and that fits your schedule. You and your baby can make friends, get out of the house, and your baby will sleep so well after he is all tuckered out from playtime. Then you can have a mom’s night out and hopefully the dads can get it together for a dad’s night out. It really is good for the whole family!

Break it down

2012-07-29T07:21:00.001-07:00

I have over 50 blog post ideas typed up and 3 other topics that I have started to write waiting for me to finish and post them. Honestly, I just have not been inspired to write. Which is weird because for a while there it was all I was thinking about. Some of those 50 ideas don’t even make sense to me anymore. What did I mean when I wrote “contacts and crewcuts”? I have also had a few ideas lately that roll around in my mind grapes then disappear.

What have I been doing these past silent weeks? I wish I could say that I was at the beach on a nice, fun, and easy family vacation. But that is not going to happen this summer. We had money saved for a vacation and have decided to use most of it to pay off a credit card bill. That makes me feel like a real grown up. Not raising a baby but working on the house hold budget makes me feel adult. I have a hard time feeling like an adult as we rent our house and are very far from buying a home.

This past week was exceptionally difficult. Orion has been walking around crying and fussing and dramatically throwing himself against the furniture. He was also biting my nipples at the end of almost every nursing session. It took me a few days before I realized he was teething, cutting molars. I spent most of a morning crying my eyes out feeling like everything I'm doing is wrong. I don’t feed him the right food, I don’t talk to him enough (15 months old and hasn’t said a real word yet and I’m trying to not freak out), and that he watches too much TV.

Mostly, I wanted my mom and dad. I was missing them so much and wanted to talk with them to get their advice. Maybe my mom could tell me that I was bitey at that age and it would soon pass. I knew I needed to talk with someone because I couldn’t stop crying (yes, I was a bit hormonal having finish my period a few days before). So I got in touch with my aunt, my mother’s sister.

Talking with her made me realize what I need to do. I know that I need to actively start weaning this toddler and get him to nap without me or a car ride. For the past 15 months I have nursed him whenever and wherever. I have let him nap on me, fall asleep on me, or taken him for a car ride to nap. She also reminded me that I have been raising a great baby even though right now things are difficult. I do need more time to myself (which is part of the reason I have not been writing). If he could nap without me I might get an hour or two to do what I want like write or sew. (I have been a bit obsessed with sewing lately as I am just learning and it has been what I want to do with any second of free time as I cannot use my sewing machine when Orion is awake because he loves to grab the foot peddle or pull out the plug)

It was also nice to hear that she had just been thinking of my mom and missing her like crazy along with their other sister. Where we live, we have no family and no one down here ever met my mother. They have no clue how awesome she was not to mention that most parents in their early 30’s still have living parents (yes, i do get jealous). But who can you call when you are crying? I have a hard time talking when I get upset or talking about why i am upset. I didn’t want to call my husband at the start of his work day and often I don’t want to bother anyone. So I took the easy route and sent a text message to my aunt asking her to call me when she had time.

I know that I can call her when I need her. She can tell me stories about my mother and give me parenting advice. I know she loves me and thinks I am doing a great job raising my son. That I have devoted the past 15 months to him but it will not always be that way. One day he will be is school and before I know it he will be going off to college. It can be hard when you are stuck in the difficult present to remind yourself that it won't always be this way. Speaking with her reminded me of the strength she has, which my mother and my grandmother both possessed. That strength is also inside me even when I feel tired and weak.

The night after my break down, I had a mom’s night out at the movies already planned. I really needed that night out. As I drove to the theater, thumping some good tunes, I felt like dancing. The next day I felt so much better even though I was tired (out till after 11, oh shit!). Orion hasn’t bitten my nipples since my crying jag. I understand cutting molars is tough work so I am going a easy on him. We are not going to try to change how he naps right now as he is dealing with enough change. I am trying to keep him extra busy so that he will be too distracted to waltz over to nurse just because he is bored or knows that he can.

Just writing this has made me think of a few more posts I want to write. I need to make the time to write, I will make that time even if it means letting Orion watch Yo Gabba Gabba for a half hour or so. I am also $700 closer to buying a laptop, I just need to find the one I want or keep saving for that Fujitsu lifebook.

Honk You!

2012-07-22T06:06:00.002-07:00

In the past few months there have been a few occasions when I was putting Orion in his car seat and someone would be trying to park next me. The driver would honk at me as if to say "Hurry the fuck up because I do not care about the safety of your child and my time is way more important and I know there are other spots where I could park but I want this spot". This makes me so angry!!! Do not honk at me! Maybe my baby was asleep and you just woke him up and made him cry, does that make you feel good about yourself?

I think, for me, part of being from Philly is always being ready for a fight and these encounters really make me want to go off. Now that I have a child, I do not want him to see his mommy going off on a person screaming and cursing. Nowadays, you never know where a confrontation could lead to and I would not want to risk bodily injury to myself or my child. I have such a clear memory of my mother getting mugged and punched in the ear when I was a kid and I would rather my child not witness such an act whether the violence is physical or verbal. "I learned it from watching you" is one of the classic lines from a public service announcement and it is totally true about so many things. If your child sees you being an ass then chances are they will also act like an ass.

If you see me strapping my baby into his car seat, or into his stroller, or on to my chest with our Becco carrier, do not honk at me! You can either:

a) Be patient because it will only take 2 minutes
b) If you wait, maybe I will notice you and step aside
c) Fuck off and park somewhere else

Honking at a person is just down right rude! Go stand next to your car and have someone honk the horn and hear how loud it sounds. You should use your horn for safety, like when you need to warn someone that they are about to smash into your car. You can also honk your horn if the light has turned green and the car in front of you has failed to notice just try to wait at least 30 seconds.

Maybe we all need to take into account more bumper sticker wisdom like "Mean People Suck", "Don't be a Jerk", and "Choose Civility". Obviously, these honking encounters really piss me off and no one needs that kind of stress. I am sure the person who honked that horn has long forgotten about the encounter and maybe they didn't realize the effect it would have but stop and think if that is how you would want to be treated. Parking just a little further away will not kill you and it will not take much more of your precious time. And just a quick note, for the love of god do not park or idle in a handicapped parking space unless you have a handicap parking permit. Those spots actually exist for people who need them, not just because your girlfriend is only running into target to buy an EPT.

Caption This!

2012-07-07T04:22:00.001-07:00

Irrational Fears

2012-07-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

I have jumped out of bed, scared shitless, that something was wrong with my sleeping baby. Why did I think something was wrong? Because it was too quiet and I couldn't hear him breathing. I lived in fear of SIDS for the first year or so of his life. I am still afraid to have a pillow, blanket, or anything in his crib while he sleeps even though SIDS is no longer a risk. I do allow his soothing seahorse in the crib with him but that is it and I am still afraid he will crack his head open on it.

When Orion was about 8 months old I watched Million Dollar Baby for the first time. I would replay that climactic slow motion neck cracking scene over and over in my head starring Orion and every toy and surface in our house. Once I get an idea in my head, it is really hard for me to shake it off. Then I worry that if it were to actually happen it would be all my fault because the thought crossed my mind.

Last week we went for a boat ride and I saw my baby sinking like a stone to the bottom of the Potomac River. This did not happen of course and I was sure to keep my hands on him whenever he got near the edge of the boat. But the image, the thought, was so disturbing and I felt horrible for even thinking it that I felt sick to my stomach.

Every time I buckle Orion into his car seat I wonder if it is tight enough, am I doing this right, will he be safe. I have become a very cautious driver and adhere to the speed limit (ok maybe I go 5 mph over) and leave plenty of room between me and the car in front. This means I have become an extremely jumpy passenger and I don’t know how my husband puts up with me.

When I was pregnant I worried that something would be wrong with my baby. Maybe it is my experiences coupled with the fact that I have a chronic health issue but I always brace myself for the worst. I was also on a medication that was generally considered safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding but no one knew for sure. I did know that I need my medication (Copaxone for treating MS) and would not do well without it and I need to be as healthy as possible in order to carry my baby to term and to take care of my baby. So far, so good, but I still worry that down the line we will find out negative side effects of this medication. Or any of the number of things Orion comes in to contact with on a daily basis could end up being harmful. This is why I am very picky about what he eats and what I put on his skin.

I watched the film Temple Grandin during my pregnancy and had a big huge crying fest. What if my baby is autistic and won’t let me hug him? It was a severe breakdown and I knew I was getting worked up over a possibility. Then I realized that whatever happens, we will deal with it. Temple may not have hugged her mom but she did wonderfully amazing things including revolutionizing the cattle industry. When you are pregnant people ask if you want to have a boy or a girl and usually the answer it that it doesn’t matter as long as the baby is healthy. And what if it’s not?! As long as Orion is alive I will love him and care for him and any and every way he needs.

Will my irrational fears every go away? No, they won’t and I am sure they will get worse once Orion is driving or getting into the car of young drivers. I do not let these fears stop me from letting Orion explore his surroundings and grow. I allow the thought to cross my mind and then I try to move on even though it can take me awhile to shake the thought. Now that he is learning to walk, we have had more boo boos than ever but this is something he needs to learn.

The first time Orion bled, I was more upset than he was. We were at an indoor playground and he face planted on one of the few hard surfaces (inside a mirror cube) and split open his lip. He cried, I almost cried, and we were both covered in blood. The staff was really nice and gave me a cup of water and some paper towels and I cleaned him up and the bleeding stopped. In no time he was ready to play some more. When we came back the next week, he was happy to play in the same spot where the accident had occurred. He spent a lot of time in that mirror cube and I was too afraid to touch him while he was in it that I just let him go in and out on his own.

The scene of the accident one week after he split his lip open.

I really don’t need any reminder that children don’t always outlive their parents. In part because i can't handle them. You think pregnant women are emotional? I am way more emotional then I have ever been. I cry during movies more than ever and for the smallest thing. Any movie dealing with child loss I have to avoid entirely or I might flood my living room with tears. I think about it daily and I am sure that I will on most days for the rest of my life. Parents worry but I do not let my worry incapacitate me and hopefully I never will. I buried both of my parents and I hope Orion buries me.

I do not think I could survive the loss of a child and I hope I will never have to find out. But writing these words feels like tempting fate. Then I think that I have already been through enough in my 32 years that there really can’t be any tragedy left. My heart goes out to all those who have lost children. Whether that loss was while the child was in utero or when that child was 60, a parent burying their children is always a sad sad shame. These parents are the strongest people I know. I read this great blog post recently, if you know someone who has lost a child you may find it helpful.

Caption This!

2012-07-01T11:45:00.001-07:00

I am such a bad mommy!

Bloggers for Birth Kits

2012-07-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

I recently got together with a few local moms to assemble 125 birth kits. These kits contain soap, a pair of gloves, 5 squares of sterile gauze, a razor blade, 3 pieces of string 10” long, and a 3 foot square of plastic sheeting. All of this fits inside a sandwich sized bag. I can’t believe that this is all a woman ~~needs~~ has to give birth in a third world country. Something so small and so simple could save the life of a mom and the life of her baby.

In America it is really easy to take simple things for granted like clean water and access to soap. We know that hand washing is the first step to prevent the spread of germs but something this simple can be really difficult if you can't afford soap. We also assume that you will have some sort of professional help when it comes time to give birth whether that is an Obstetrician, a midwife, or an EMT. Many women in third world countries have to rely on family members or friends to assist in the birth of their baby. If my friend asked me to help deliver her baby I would think she was crazy!

I do feel lucky to have been born in America even with its problems*. We cannot control where we are born and some women are not as lucky as me. I want to help those women and this was something simple I could do for them. I would love to teach everyone in the world how to use a condom but that would be meaningless if they did not have access to condoms. I think that any woman who is about to give birth should be given the chance to have a clean and safe labor for her and her baby. The contents of this sandwich bag can help with that.

It feels good to know that 125 moms and babies will have a safe entry into this world because of something a small group of moms in Virginia did in a few hours. In typical Charlotte fashion, I dove into this project head first and may not have read the fine print. I hope this post will encourage others to assemble birth kits or donate to this cause. If you are going to assemble kits, here are a few things I learned.

I used sterile gauze but you do not have to I just want everything to be as clean as possible. I also used razor blades that were wrapped in paper in the hopes that they would be cleaner and safer to handle when opening the kit.

You can cut a regular bar of soap into 8 pieces. I wrapped the little pieces is plastic wrap but this step is not necessary.

I used painter's tape on my kitchen table to make a 10" section for cutting string and a 3' section for cutting the plastic sheet.

I did not want to open up the plastic sheet to keep it as clean as possible so i wanted to buy sheeting that was already 3' on at least one side. I was able to find sheeting that was 3' by 50' and 4 mil in thickness. I also used sheeting that was only .31 mil thick and 9' by 400' which was way more cost effective. I honestly cut this plastic down so it was 9' by 3' because it was so thin.

I mailed these to Austrailia and from there they will go to Papua New Guinea by ship. The package was about 27 lbs and shipping cost $140! After the transaction was completed, the helpful USPS employee said next time to pack them in multiple smaller boxes for less expensive shipping. Now you tell me!

I definitely made this project more expensive than it needed to be but now I now know what to do for next time. My husband also did not mind spending the money on such a worthy cause. If you want to assemble kits at home, I hope you will learn my experience. You could also make a donation here or here. I want to thank The Feminist Breeder and Bloggers for Birth Kits for turning me on to this worthy cause. Does anyone know of an organization doing this in America?

*Infant mortality is still an issue in America. We have a lot of issues but that is for a different post.