I’ve been feeling like I lost my voice for a while now, so I simply stopped sitting at my keyboard to write. It’s not like I’ve not had things to say. (oh HELL naw… I’ve had a lot to say)
I just, for whatever reason, couldn’t get the words out.

Probably because I really had nothing to contribute on the racing side of things (more on that in another post) and this site has always been racing-centric…
In addition to that, my other site, which is more general life stuff, is a fucking disaster, and I hate it so much I stopped writing there too. I rebranded that one years ago to be more appealing as an “influencer” (ugh, I just gagged writing that) and started writing in a voice I barely recognized.

But now I feel I want to write again.
Just for me.
To brain dump my thoughts in more than 140 characters.
It will be a mix of baseball and racing and hell… who knows what the fuck else will strike my fancy.

Anyway, if you are one of the handful of people who followed me once upon a time, and are seeing this, helloooooo!
I’m still here.
I’m still as “Salty” as Pressdog would say, as ever, and I still use the word fuck like punctuation.
No apologies there.
I’m too fucking old to change my spicy ways now

I came out of the other side of the pandemic a little lost, and minus about 12 amazing humans (almost all from my racing inner circle) who moved on from this world in a most untimely way, and devastated me on a level I wouldn’t understand until I finally had time to take it all in.
This made attending races a bit of an emotional venture. (again, I’ll dig deeper into that in another post)

Anyway, if you follow me on twitter, you are acutely aware that my broken heart and broken body found solace in Baseball. All I wanted to do when the world “re-opened” was go to the ballpark. And that I did.

It really has saved me. It has reconnected me to my youth, my childhood, my joy.
And newly connected me with a community of like-minded (for the most part :-p ) and awesome humans, both online and in person.

Anyway… let’s see where this takes me.
Now back to the, you guessed it, ballgame!

A lifetime fan, I was preparing to dip my toe into the exhilarating and excruciating world of motorsports journalism. And there he was, the man everyone loved to love and loved to hate simultaneously. On that night in the grandstand in Cleveland, he was lovely and welcoming and funny as hell. He reminded me of my dad. Same sarcastic wit, and mischievous glint in his eye.

Perhaps had that meeting gone another way, my experiences over the next 2 decades would have been very different. Thankfully it didn’t, and he would continue to greet me with the same welcoming camaraderie until our last race in attendance together in 2019.

I snuck into the “media bullpen” during the last year of CART. And was fully involved for the entire run of ChampCar, through the “mergification” back with the IRL and the formation of what we know today as IndyCar.

In the early days, I had the privilege of breathing in the same rarefied air as the motorsports journalists I (and many of you) looked up to. It was a big ol’ sausage factory, an “old boys” club, names you saw on the byline of every major newspaper and sporting magazine, and on the spines of some of the great books on our sport.

I was a literal nobody.
A girl with a blog, who was born to a race car driver dad, and spent her toddler years at race tracks and car shows.

My knowledge of the nuts and bolts of the history of the sport was lacking, surface as best, but my passion for it was strong!
(And never waned, even through the turmoil, and blacklisting) (yes, Robin and I even had that in common!)

I’ll likely never know for sure why, but for some reason they tolerated the enthusiastic Canadian girl with the big smile and the naive heart hanging around. Maybe they liked that I saw them as mentors. Maybe they sensed I didn’t want “their” job. (Not that I could ever realistically do it)
Maybe they simply understood that I just wanted a seat at the table and the opportunity to talk about racing.

One of my favorite early memories at a race was standing in the media centre in Toronto, in a little gossip circle with Miller, Kirby, Oreo, & Phillips. How the hell I was welcomed into that conversation I will never know, but it was a blast shooting the shit with those guys that day, and for many years after.

I often viewed the world of racing from a different perspective, and I got chastised often by one of my colleagues (later to become a good friend) for being and acting like a “fan”, as if that was a dirty word, and somehow negated my point of view.
I would always shoot back, “well if you’re not a fan, what is the point of wasting your time writing about the sport??” If you don’t have any skin in the game, you have no business writing about it. It’s disingenuous!”

Maybe that’s why I related the most to Robin.
He was a fan, just like us, and he cared, fervently!
He was honest to a fault. Literally putting his job on the line to get the real story out.

I remember sitting in the Road America media… tent… pre-merger, when the news broke that the series had pulled Miller’s hard card. Oh the conversations that were had that day. If anything it only solidified the “truth” of the story that Robin had been telling. (The aforementioned merger) It ultimately backfired on the series, as we all, in a show of solidarity, picked up where Robin left off and ran with it. He would, of course, be reinstated thankfully, leading to many more years of head shaking rumours, cage rattling opinions, and jaw dropping facts that would come to fruition.

I miss him.
I miss his pot-stirring commentary.
I miss his “hold their feet to the fire” brashness
I miss his laugh and cheeky grin.
And this year I realized how much I missed hearing his familiar voice saying “hey kid” when he saw me in the media centre.

*Thankfully I wrote them while she was still here, so she knew how I cherished our friendship*

A decade of race weekends as roommates, sharing dinners and margaritas, seeking out the best gelato in every town, exploring the host cities, and of course enjoying the racing.

We experienced so many amazing triumphant moments, and shared such great sadness due to tragedy and friends lost.

Even those of you who didn’t “know” her, knew her. #twitterlessCarol, the diminutive lady with the camera, black & white checkered back pack, wearing a Justin Wilson t-shirt. (eventually a t-shirt with both Wilson boys names emblazoned on it)

Her support of Justin (as an investor) and Stefan (setting up and maintaining his website when he was starting out) was unmatched, and it was such a joy to experience their successes and milestones along side her. She also had a soft spot for our Canadian boys (must have been a commonwealth thing) cheering on and supporting Daniel Morad and James Hinchcliffe during their A1GP years, and of course throughout their ChampCar/IndyCar forays. Certainly those boys will never look at Custard Creams and not think of Carol.

Memorial done, next came the conundrum… how to best honour our friend…

Enter Stefan Wilson and a brilliant idea from her mutual investor/friends Darren and Roz.

You see, Carol and I got a trip around the track with Stef pretty much every race weekend we were in attendance over the years, and she was, without fail, always disappointed by the brevity of the moment. One lap was simply never enough. (just look at her sad face! lol)



So this weekend she enjoying the ultimate “pace car ride” with Stef for the 12 hours of Sebring!!!! Oodles of laps! I’m sure outwardly she would be embarrassed by the all fuss, but secretly would be thrilled and honoured by the tribute.

I like to think of her and Justin catching up in the great beyond and watching it all unfold this weekend.

Farewell my sweet friend… I’ll see you on the other side for gelato and margaritas.

Both of us always had cameras in our hands, shooting others. I’m so thankful for these rare shots of the two of us together.

There is a common theme among the racing community. We all refer to each other as our “racing family”. Be it the drivers, or series workers, or media colleagues, or fans, we are bonded together by this crazy thing called racing.

We travel together, work together, eat together, fight together, laugh together, and cry together.
We embrace the highs, and learn to live with the lows.

Each season by choice, situation, or by tragedy, our family gets slightly smaller.
Drivers don’t return, teams downsize or shut down, people retire or get let go from their jobs, spouses pass on, and there is a domino effect that ripples throughout the community.

This year the most noticeable void, for me personally, is the big man himself not walking his lanky self down pit lane, a palpable and obvious loss made more poignantly evident by the very many tribute t-shirts and stickers seen throughout the grandstands and paddocks all weekend at each event.

But it’s also the not so obvious loss that I was feeling all weekend when I was in St. Petes. (and subsequently now, this weekend, watching Long Beach from afar)

By losing Justin, I also lose Julia and the girls on site. I lose Stefan and his new wife Katie on pitlane supporting his big brother. I lose Keith and Lynne Wilson flying over for certain races, with whom I had the great pleasure of joining on several occasions for meals and conversation. I lose conversing with his longtime PR support team. And I selfishly lose the company of one of my best racing friends, who was one of Justin’s investors from the early days of his open wheel career, and my race weekend roomie for almost a decade.

We attended St.Petersburg four times together. All of my memories of this race and this town include her, and many include the aforementioned people. Memories popped up like ghosts while walking the grounds and the city and it just felt like something was missing.

But it was only as I sat on the plane reflecting back on my weekend, that I realized that, despite the awesome company I was keeping, something indeed was missing. A very large portion of my extended racing family. With each season, more and more familiar faces fade into memories. The faces I took for granted smiling at me from across the media centre, or looking up from the pit stall, or waving down from the grandstands.

Eventually I’ll be the face that fades away, and perhaps someone will muse “I miss my friend” about me.

2yrs ago I ran my first official 5K at this event, as my family made use of the facilities at Ronald McDonald House Toronto while my nephew was being treated for testicular cancer. Though my nephew has thankfully recovered, and my family no longer uses the facilities, I have continued to run and raise money each year for this much needed venue and service as I have experienced the value of it first hand. It’s my way of paying it forward and saying thank you.

I’ve also upped my goal from previous years!
I will be running 21K… 4X’s the distance of my previous efforts at this event, so I figured $2100.00 was a nice simpatico number to reach for.
$100 per KM. As each KM ticks off, I will think “that’s another $100 for RMHT!” This will be what drags my numb carcass across the finish-line approximately 3hrs after the gun sounds…
This is the only charity/fundraising I do each year, so I’m counting on you all to step up! 100% of the funds raised are allocated and used to support RMHT and the families that utilize the facilities.
100%!! Not many charities can say that.
For perspective, it costs $125 per night to house a family at RMHT, they pay $15, the rest is subsidized by the monies raised via donations.

It costs $3000 for the average family stay at RMHT. (my goal doesn’t even cover that) 3200 families will walk through the doors at Ronald McDonald House Toronto this year.

This is a big milestone for me!
Which is fitting as just weeks ago I celebrated another milestone.
A half century of life on this big blue marble! The BIG FIVE-OH!
I will never complain about reaching this age. Many of the children I am running for never will have that privilege.
THIS is my motivation.
So, I ask that in lieu of birthday gifts/cards/drinks this year, you instead pledge your support to this cause! Reaching my goal would be the bestest birthday present of all!

THANK YOU for your support!
All pledges will receive an official tax receipt (either electronic or in the mail.)

CLICK TO DONATE!! THANKS IN ADVANCE!!

For those who don’t know, Pippa is the poster child for perseverance, positivity, and hard work; never giving up on her goals, even in the face of unfathomable obstacles and criticism. Her Instagram feed is a daily source of motivation for me. For all of those reasons, I am honoured to personally be part of the “Pippa Posse” for the Month of May.

On top of that, she works equally as hard to bring funding and awareness to a cause near and dear to most of us.

Take a look

1 in 8 folks.
1. in. 8.

I personally know at least 2. One who had radical surgery today.
This is a nasty motherfucker of a disease, an equal opportunity destroyer, and every little bit of awareness and money we can throw at it will only help to eradicate it once and for all.

So where does Pippa come in?

Well once again Pippa will be supporting Breast Cancer Awareness by driving the Susan G. Komen Liveried IndyCar in this years Indianapolis 500, and in conjunction with this she is running an Indiegogo campaign with the hopes of raising $50,000

So, it’s time for us all to put our money where our mouths are and help Pippa be successful in both her goals, to run the Indy 500 and to raise awareness and money for Susan G. Komen in the process.

From the time I started writing this, to the time I published, the donations had already doubled, with the campaign now sitting at 26% fulfilled.

Some of the hottest, more sought after items, went in the blink of an eye. Some of the bigger ticket items are still available. (this is only the first day after all) and some…
like the much maligned Koozies…
barely a whisper of interest.
There are 500 allotted to this campaign.
That’s potentially $4000 worth of donations… just sitting there.

Hey, boys, we know y’all drink beer at the track and in your backyards/living rooms… so dust off your credit cards and
BUY A DAMN KOOZIE!!
No one will judge you. Hell, maybe a lovely lady will by you a beer to fill it with as a thank you for looking out for her… girls.

That said, if you don’t want one, that’s cool, you can just donate the $8 bucks.
Or bump it up to an even $10

Whatever your desired item, or donation level, remember: every little bit helps.
There are 23 days left in the campaign.
$36,907 to go.

What can you do?

Click the link and donate —–> LINK

Get Involved: here
Follow Pippa: here, here, and here

Now share the link.
Repost the Instagram.
Retweet.
Share with your friends.
Share with your friend’s friends.
Share with your enemies.

Do it for your mom, your sister, your girlfriend, your wife, your BFF.
Do it for all of your friends female significant others.
Do it for yourself…
so one day, when there is a cure, you can say, “hey, I helped fund the research for that” then take a big swig of your ice cold beer swaddled in a fab Koozie … (see what I did there?)

See y’all at Indy

I’ve remained silent on the Stewart/Ward incident since it first came to light in the wee hours on Saturday night.
There were far too many questions, and not enough answers to form any reasonable opinions. I saw no reason to add to the noise.

3 days later, nothing has changed in that regard. So why speak up now?

Because I’m just so fucking irritated.

I HATE when something negative happens in the racing world. (no matter the series/genre) It becomes a call to arms for every Johnny-come-lately, couch jockey, who knows fucking NOTHING about the sport, to pontificate, and accuse, and jump on the bandwagon. Most of them with no skin in the game, so no regard for the consequences of their words and actions.

Then there are those in the know (or who claim to be) that stir the pot for their 15 minutes of internet and news cycle fame. Sensationalism at it’s worst. Click bait for hits, and links, and retweets, and ratings.

There are two people that know, without a doubt, what transpired on Saturday night. Tony Stewart and Kevin Ward. That is it. And even their versions (had Ward survived) would likely have differed in interpretation.

I don’t watch Sprint racing, so I know nothing of what it takes to manoeuvre those cars around the track. To speculate in anyway on the actions of Tony Stewart from a technical point of view would be misinformed on my part.

I’m also not going to jump on the blame the victim bandwagon. This situation is tragic enough without the undertone of “he had it coming” added to the mix.

Do I think he holds some culpability for running around on a hot track. Yes. Have we all done something stupid in the heat of the moment when we were in our 20’s? Fuck Yes.

Have we seen other drivers, in other series, attempt to do the same thing? yup. (I’m just glad that there are a handful of strong men in Orange and white fire suits that wrestle our angry drivers out of harms way in the heated moments.)

99/100 times, he would have made a foul familiar gesture that we have seen many times over in similar situations, and walked back to his car. Done. Move on to the next event.

But a multitude of circumstances beyond anyones control collided in that moment, and well, we all know the outcome. To assign blame to either is futile. It changes nothing. All we can do is reflect, learn from the situation, and move on.

Most of all, right now, It makes me incredibly angry to see a man being absolutely vilified based on a handful of “hot headed” soundbytes and moments over the course of his career, to the point of accusations of intention and cries for murder charges.

Give your fucking heads a shake.

I don’t know Tony Stewart personally. But I do know many other professional drivers on a personal level. NONE of them, not even the ones with “tough guy” reputation, would in a million years, even in their most heated moments, ever, EVER intentionally aim their vehicle at another competitor, especially one standing outside of their car. It just wouldn’t happen.

Those out there that even entertain that notion are merely playing their hand and showing the world just how truly ignorant they are, and how little they know about racing and the racing community.

These men and women willfully get into a car and risk their lives (their own lives, not their competitors). The respect they have for their machines, their colleagues, and their sport flies in the face of all of the uneducated, ignorant commentary and accusations.

Stop making a “story” out of this tragedy. It’s heartbreaking enough for all involved without turning it into a lynching or a movie of the week.

I wish for a sense of unity and protection for our racing community. Let’s not play into their storyline. Let’s stop fanning the flames. Stop commenting on and sharing the sensationalistic stories. Don’t validate the ignorance.

I wish for peace and healing for the friends and family of Kevin Ward, and the same for the friends and family of Tony Stewart.

Mostly I wish for peace and healing for Tony Stewart. I can’t imagine what he is going through right now.

The only saving grace at the moment is that there will always be another bigger story around the corner to distract this A.D.D society. Perhaps the devastating news of the loss of Robin Williams today, which broke just as I started to write this earlier, will shake some sense into this world… least for a few hours.

And then I woke up…

I was hoping that someday I, or one of my colleagues, would be able to open our post race review with that paragraph. It is after all my home race, once one of the jewels in the crown of top level open wheel motor racing in North America. But as much as I’ve voraciously denied it over the last handful of years, and fought with every ounce of my being to promote, defend, and improve the event (I do a post-mortem every year with a laundry list suggestions) those days are gone and they aren’t coming back anytime soon, if at all.

(*for the record: media shuttles ended years ago, Tim Horton’s has never sponsored the media room, and Toronto Tourism has never provided swag bags or info, this is just a fantasy version of the “Welcome to our City/Race” I’ve wished for for years* )

I was so complacent coming out of the weekend, that I wasn’t even going to bother with this blog/recap. Previous recaps have fallen on deaf ears for years now, so why bother. But I wanted to have something to look back on and point to a year from now either as a triumphant “look how far we’ve come” or as a “well, it’s not surprising” (hopefully it won’t be the latter)

Something is just… off.

I was thinking maybe it was me this year. Maybe the mental/emotional state I’ve been in leading up to the weekend had tainted my joy/excitement, so I was biased. I even tried to muster up a phony state of “hyper-cheerleader” mode the night before the weekend kicked off. But it just wasn’t there. In fact the hype wasn’t anywhere in the city prior to or during the event.

My “nephew” and colleague Tony DiZinno very eloquently expressed my opinion/words in his piece today. (the Detroit vs Toronto section) (actually I agree with the whole damn thing)

Yes, I know it’s unfair to directly compare one event to another, as each one is unique in it’s facilities and promoters, but this year… this year… I don’t know. There just seemed to be a sense of “meh… whatever *shrug*” in Toronto.

The On-Track schedule was jam packed. (over packed in my opinion with 7 series, 13 races) I’m guessing they make a pretty penny from each series for use of the track and facilities, so the more the better right? To some maybe, but I think having a bit of a break on track would have offered up more of an experience off track. Then again, with the lackluster presentation around the grounds, maybe it was best to keep everyone distracted by the constant drone of engine noise…

I’m not going to review, compare or contrast the on-track stuff. There are enough arm chair drivers/race stewards out there analyzing the shit out it, so I’m not going to jump on that noisy bandwagon. (again, fwiw, TdZ spoke for me in that regard too)

My reflection will be with the event itself.

There was a definite disconnect when it came to the “event” part of the race weekend. (Ironic when speaking of a street race where the main “insult” over the years has been that those attending are “event” fans not race fans) It’s like the writing was on the wall coming into the event, and the absolute bare minimum was put in motion to pull off the weekend, without any extra expense or effort.

Already gone were the days of street parties, restaurant and bar tie-ins, and well attended media kick offs. Next went the multiple beer gardens and entertainment stages on the grounds during the weekend.

Soon gone was the party and fun atmosphere of “Thunder Alley”. Followed by the rows of neatly laid out selections of vendor booths selling great food, sponsor related gear, and handing out samples, etc… (though come to think of it I did get a free sample of travel sized men’s deodorant and body wash)

Last year they tried to revamp the weekend a bit, adding “Fests”. This saw the return of a couple of Craft Beer gardens, a site wide liquor license, and two separate areas of some of the cities most amazing food trucks.

This year, walking around the grounds behind the grandstand, one got the impression that the vendors that did show up to participate for the event were told to “park it anywhere” when they arrived as there was no rhyme or reason to the layout whatsoever (and yes, the giant gaping hole/construction site can account for some of that, but it was mapped out last year, and there was a better set up on the grounds) There were only a handful of Food trucks (half of which were chain restaurant trucks, not the local independent ones) and one beer garden. There was a Fire-Fit competition, but with the heavy on track schedule, I wasn’t able to catch any of that. Apparently there was some sort of lumberjack competition too… (can anyone verify that?)

Anyway, the whole “fest” thing confused many, according to some I talked to at the track, as they thought they were separate events off site. (only highlighting how poorly they were executed at the track) We have a lot of festivals in the city on the weekends in the summer. In fact Toronto’s Festival of Beer is happening this coming weekend… but I digress…

Back to the race fan experience…

We’ve become used to being treated like the red-headed stepchild by the series itself (apologies to red-headed stepchildren everywhere) with the lack of Fan Village set up. At least in previous years there was an attempt at a set up, as weak as it was, but this year there was nothing. Added to that the absence of the Verizon Technology Booth and charging stations on pitlane, glaringly missing as it is acknowledged during every race broadcast south of the border (last time I checked all phones could use a charge, not just Verizon phones) To my knowledge Verizon is still looking at entering the Canadian market… so why the snub? Especially from the new SERIES sponsor. Target, an associate team sponsor, embraced the Canadian market a year before they arrived, with full signage at the track, and branded giveaways. (I still use my free Target travel grocery bag everywhere!) So where’s the love Verizon?

As usual, there was a sad makeshift IndyCar swag merch booth with but a skeleton selection of wares. None of the individual team or driver merch trailers make the trip (too much hassle at the border apparently) but I guess that’s ok, because we can order that stuff online, or get it at one of the American events that most of us travel to (that’s right, we have no problem making the trip across the border to support US events)
And besides, we could get the Toronto event branded swag at the … on no, WAIT… There weren’t even ANY Event souvenirs!!

Wanted a t-shirt that said “Honda Indy Toronto”? you had to sign up for a grocery store credit card. That’s right. No pins, no mugs, no t-shirts, no jackets, no lanyards. Nothing for anyone to purchase to commemorate the weekend besides the program. (which by the way PRN did a stellar job on once again)

Hell, we don’t even get any scanner rental love up here anymore. (something that would have been useful for the stands full of people wondering what the fuck was going on both Saturday and Sunday)

Pre-race…

It was a who’s who of “who??” “celebrities” being driven around in the back of the pick up trucks behind the drivers, with our embarrassing joke of “Mayor” bringing up the rear. (way to taint our event by association doofus) FYI, every news outlet used their entire allotted “talk about the Honda Indy” time to run clips of his slothiness in the back of the truck riding around the track, gut hanging out, jacket flapping. In case you were wondering? There IS such a thing as BAD publicity.

Then came the most horrifying version of O’Canada I’ve heard in a long time. At least pre-race ceremonies (as lacking as they were) would be capped off by the signature, spectacular fly-over which Toronto is known for… or not.
Not even a fucking traffic helicopter to buzz pitlane for those of us looking to the sky in anticipation.

Post-race…

Now, I certainly wasn’t expecting a personal thank you for attending and covering the event. (Kudos once again to the powers that be in Detroit for that extra special touch) But with all of the rumours and speculation circulating regarding the future of this event, one would THINK, this year of all years, that the promoters, or at the very least Charlie Johnstone, would hold a post event wrap up press conference in the media centre. (which happens every year and at most events on the circuit) to quell the rumours, and perhaps lay out the steps being taken/suggested for the future, so we all have something more than a shrug and an “I don’t know” in response to questions from readers and fans.

Nope. Nothing…

So there is it. The weekend started with a whisper and ended with a whimper.

One would think that if this were in fact potentially the “last hurrah’ for this event, that the powers that be would want to go out with a bang! Creating desirability for current partners to re-up and future partners to jump on board, or at the very least to leave everyone wistfully longing for it’s return (see Baltimore) rather than sadly acknowledging that it was time to put the old girl down…

FOOTNOTE:

I would be remiss if I weren’t to acknowledge the “good” as well.

To all of the drivers, crews, and teams, (and their families) who bring their A-Game and skills to the streets of Toronto every year, and put on a stellar show for us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Big ups and a hearty thank you to all of my Honda Canada peeps. A++ effort all around, in particular your support of Make-A-Wish Canada. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The fine folks at Torchia Communications. I know your hands are tied a lot of the times, but you guys put in a fine effort to work within those limits to make our jobs easier on the weekend. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The Keg Steakhouse. Once again, two stellar meal experiences for me and my out of town guests over the race weekend. (the same cannot be said for our experience at Jack Astor’s on Saturday night… )

and the heartiest thank you to my all of my colleagues who do make the time and effort to travel to my fair city to cover this event, contributing to the city coffers with your tourist dollars Safe travels my friends. See you on the other side of the border soon.

A cautionary tale

I realized recently, that my ability to pull off a daily “everything is fine” performance in the eyes of the world is actually doing me a disservice. “Fake it till ya make it” has backfired in a big way.

I was told by someone that they all thought I was this really successful motorsport photographer. Ha! That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Yes, I bust my ass every year, and at every race I attend, to capture the events and promote the drivers, teams, and series, but that’s where the successful part ends. Apparently I’m successful at looking successful.

Back story: It took me forever to be deemed worthy of a hardcard. I get it. When the series merged, despite having a hardcard on the ChampCar side, I was low man (er… woman) on the totem pole again. I had to prove myself. Fair enough.
Did I think it would take 5yrs? no. (first one issued was last year)
One of the conditions was that I had to attend 75% of the races. But since I could never guarantee that I would be credentialed at events so as to secure gigs in advance (often media credentials are not confirmed until 1-2 weeks prior to the event) it was often too costly to make travel plans on “probably”.

But I did, many times. And I worked three “pay cheque” jobs in-between races, to fund my dream of working in motorsports. And though some gigs did fall into my lap, they were few and far between, and barely covered the cost of one race weekend, let alone the season.

I’ve paid my dues along the way, and rightly so. I’ve provided shots for no charge for charity events. I’ve helped out smaller teams, and cash strapped drivers, only to be passed over for someone else when the money became available. I’ve even, as life is cruel in very ironic ways, managed to get other people paying gigs and secure employment.
But now, sadly, years of broken promises, lack of reciprocation, and missed or non-existent opportunities and payments have taken their toll.

Through the kindness of some very generous friends who I was able to bunk in with, I was able to escape my unbearably complicated at the moment life and get to some races this spring. Much like a driver sitting on the couch at home telling everyone he’s a good driver and they should hire him, rather than proving it on track, a photographer/writer sitting at home doesn’t stand much of a chance securing work if they aren’t onsite, building their portfolio and relationships. So with just enough money to cover gas, and a meal a day. I headed to my “happy place”

In return I actually got attitude from some because I haven’t been to as many races so far this year. (for the record, I have attended the same amount of races to date this year, less one, the season opener)

What those in judgement are not privy to, is that in trying to live up to the expectations of the card hanging around my neck like an albatross, and prove myself worthy of covering the series, I actually bankrupted myself last year. I over extended myself to make it to as many events as I could, in an attempt as well to secure some actual money. Midway through the season, I lost one of my main sources of income, but carried on with my race plans unaltered despite the financial hardships, again, the promise of future paid work being dangled in front of me. This sent me into the off season with giant debts, which only got worse with the loss of another source of income coming into 2014 (thus the missed season opener)

I write this not for pity, but in solidarity with others who may be going through the same thing and think they’re alone, and also as a warning. I’ve seen some of my colleagues fall by the wayside this year, with similar hardships and disillusionment, while a fresh new crop of dreamers with hope in their hearts and stars in their eyes enter the fray.

You know that quote:
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” ― Maya Angelou

Live this. Please.

I made championing this series and this sport a priority in my life, only to discover after spilling litres of blood, sweat and tears, that I was only ever an option to those I worked with and for.

So here’s some free advice, take it or leave it:
Get it in writing. Whatever it is. Get it.
Get the payment first (or at least a retainer)
Don’t over extend yourself for a “maybe” or a “probably” or a “next time”
If your particular skill, product, or service will benefit THEM, make them pay for it! Don’t be their whore. Swag doesn’t pay the rent.

I still hope to finish out the season as planned, but with $50 in my wallet to last me to the end of the month, and my final source of income dangling dangerously close to the edge of the cliff (I’m actively job searching) realistically, I’m rethinking my future, at least in the short term.

My race plans for the season are still in my calendar, because without those to look forward to, life is pretty hopeless at the moment. Of course the irony is that I may have to sell my camera gear soon to keep a roof over my head for another month.
Unless by some miracle, a race weekend paying gig falls in my lap (newsflash: I’m available!) Toronto is the only 100% next race at the moment.

And that’s my Debbie Downer post for the week. Might as well get it out of the way on a Monday right? LOL! Oh well, no where to go but up right? #alwayslookonthebrightsideoflife #itsonlyafleshwound

oh, and since they may be my last racing shots for a while, might as well take a moment and go enjoy my latest race albums https://www.facebook.com/Pit2Podium

And with that, I’m off for a run. Thankfully that costs $0