So I Married an ADDer

Married to Distraction at the Virtual AD/HD Conference

2009-09-15T17:10:22-04:00

Readers of this blog, take note! Dr. Edward Hallowell will be our opening keynote speaker at the Virtual AD/HD Conference, coming up in less than 3 weeks. And his session will be of particular interest to you, because it's about the effects of AD/HD on relationships!

In his keynote address that promises to be fun, informative, and uplifting, Dr. Hallowell will be discussing topics from his upcoming book, Married to Distraction. Dr. Hallowell will present an overview of how AD/HD affects marriage, and he will point out the implications that AD/HD has on a marriage. He will review the consistent patterns that exist in marriages where one or more partners has AD/HD. And finally, Dr. Hallowell will present key elements to overcome these patterns.

In this session, you'll:

Identify the consistent patterns that exist in marriages where one or more partners have AD/HD
Understand the patterns that affect marriages where one
Learn the key elements of successfully overcoming these patterns

Dr. Hallowell is just one of 26 top doctors, authors, and experts who will be presenting at the Virtual AD/HD Conference. If you're planning to join us, now is the best time to sign up! Registration prices will increase $50 as of September 28th. So don't hesitate--register today at http://www.ADHDconference.com!

For Partners of People with AD/HD: Not Enough Cooks in the Kitchen

2009-08-24T14:24:17-04:00

The new film Julie & Julia is inspiring a lot of people to get in the kitchen and learn how to cook. Personally, I have not seen the film because Jen, my ADD partner, hates going to the movies. I'll catch it when it comes on HBO.

Even though I haven't seen the movie, I've come to the realization that I'm not getting any younger, and I need to learn how to cook at least something. I've been relying on Jen's phenomenal cooking for my entire adult life. It's high time I got in the kitchen and actually cooked something myself.

As my family will tell you, I'm a disaster in the kitchen. Even when I follow a recipe, everything comes out either burned or undercooked, and completely devoid of taste. In fact, I'm lucky that Jen is such an excellent cook, otherwise I'd be eating cereal every night.

But this summer, I've been making an effort to cook more. So far I've made roast beef, steak, hamburgers, and chicken breasts. They haven't been the greatest meals of my life, but they were edible, and that's an achievement!

So just as Julie had Julia, I had hoped to have Jen to guide me on this journey. But as it turns out, she's no help at all.

People with ADD tend to have little to no interest in details. Jen is a big picture thinker, and she's a big picture cook. Her impressive repertoire has been established not by following recipes to the letter, but through creativity and gut instinct. So when I ask questions in the kitchen, I get vague, almost philosophical answers:

"Jen, when do I flip the steak?"
"You'll know by looking at it."

"Jen, how much seasoning should I use?"
"Taste it and see."

"Jen, what should the internal temperature of the meat be?"
"You'll know when it's done."

Because Jen cooks by instinct and by experience, she's incapable of giving me the details that I need in order to make a successful meal. It's very frustrating, but we laugh about it.

Maybe I should take a cue from Jen, not worry about the details so much, and learn to trust my gut. Or I could learn from Julia Child and drop everything on the floor!

P.S. The Virtual AD/HD Conference is fast approaching! We're hard at work behind the scenes making it even better than last year. Join 26 of the top doctors and experts in the field of AD/HD, along with hundreds of your peers. Register today at http://www.ADHDconference.com

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Registration for the Virtual AD/HD Conference Opens Saturday!

2009-06-26T09:30:00-04:00

Last year, the Virtual AD/HD Conference™ brought together over 400 people who were eager to get the latest information and strategies for AD/HD management and interact with the top experts in the field -- all while personally connecting with one another from the comfort of home!

We welcomed adults, parents, spouses/partners, doctors, therapists, advocates, coaches, counselors, and many more in the AD/HD community. And we're doing it again this year!

This Saturday, June 27th, we'll be opening the virtual doors for conference registration.

Early birds will save $50 off the registration fee!

And, there will be special bonuses for the first 20 people who register!

Don't miss this rare opportunity to get all the tools you need to succeed from top experts, break out of isolation as you connect with peers who've been or are in your shoes, and save tons of money by attending from the comfort of your own home, participating at your own pace!

We're pleased to present the following experts at this year's event:

Dr. Edward Hallowell on AD/HD and marriage
Dr. Daniel Amen on healthy brains
Dr. Patricia Quinn on women and girls with ADHD
Dr. Chalres Parker on medication
Dr. Kenny Handelman on alternative treatment options
And many more! Check out the full agenda at: http://www.ADHDconference.com/agenda.shtml

The Virtual AD/HD Conference™ is a can't-miss event for everyone affected by AD/HD. But don't take my word for it when you can hear directly from past attendees!

“The Virtual AD/HD Conference™ was phenomenal! I have told countless people about it.

I almost didn’t register because it wasn’t a good time financially. But I am so thankful that I did register, and that I took care of myself by spending the time listening and following the handouts! I learned so many things and now have renewed hope!

You did a great service to the entire AD/HD community. It had to be a tremendous amount of work because your efforts showed in every aspect of the conference. It was just shy of being flawless. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Suzanne Troll
Zionsville, Indiana

Sign up at http://www.ADHDconference.com to be notified when registration opens this weekend.

You'll save $50 off the registration fee and, if you're one of the first 20 registrants, you'll also receive an extra bonus!

And everyone who signs up will receive conference updates and exclusive podcasts with the experts. So you'll want to get on the conference mailing list to grab these goodies--even if you can't attend.

Last year's event was absolutely fantastic, and I'm really looking forward to this year's Virtual AD/HD Conference™. I hope you'll join us!

For Partners of People with AD/HD: Be Prepared

2009-06-19T15:19:12-04:00

This past Wednesday, we hosted a great webinar called Get Your Career in Gear (if you missed it, we'll be offering downloads soon--make sure you're on our mailing list). One of our speakers, Ari Tuckman (who we love) gave a fantastic presentation on managing stress and anxiety. In it, he offered this piece of advice: "Give yourself less to worry about by being diligent and setting yourself up for success." In other words, "like the Boy Scouts," he said, "be prepared."

I hear from a lot of girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, and partners who've gotten caught up in the whirlwind of their ADD counterpart's daily lives. The ADDer's habits have eclipsed their own--stuff is everywhere, all decisions are made on the fly, things don't get done until the last minute, everything is an emergency, etc.

They can't take the heat, but they don't see a way out of the kitchen. They don't want to control their partner's every move (and nor should they), but they can't continue to live in what, to them, feels like chaos. I totally get it. And my advice is--be prepared.

I am fortunate that Jen manages her ADD challenges extraordinarily well. I recognize that not everyone's ADD partner has reached the point of managing their daily lives as effectively as Jen does. But successful as she is, Jen does have ADD, and when things get hectic around here (like they have the past few weeks), it can quickly become an ADD household.

What do I mean by ADD household? I mean two things--stuff is in weird places, and nothing is planned for. Where are my shoes? It's anybody's guess. What's for dinner? Oh shit. And then the endless stream of things that need to get done, with no time or energy to do any of them. The house descends into "mayhem and foolishness," like they say on Clean House on the Style network.

No one can live well under those circumstances. So like the Boy Scouts, your best defense is to be prepared. Like Ari said, be diligent. If you come upon a stray sock that the dog has left in the kitchen, don't ignore it. Pick it up and walk it to the laundry bin. If while making your morning coffee you notice there's nothing in the fridge for dinner, don't shrug it off. See if there is something you can defrost. If not, figure out when you can run to the store. If you see dishes are starting to pile up in the sink, don't leave them for later. Take 10 minutes and wash them. You get the idea.

And you have to do it without being resentful. If your ADD husband left a coffee mug in the bedroom, it's not because he was trying to piss you off. Just put the mug back in the kitchen and don't give it a second thought. Remember that your ADD partner isn't necessarily wired for organization, time management, or preparedness in general. So you have to stay one step ahead. Be prepared, be diligent. And take pride in it! I certainly do. It will make your whole family's lives a lot easier.

Do you have any tips for keeping your household from descending into chaos during hectic times? Please feel free to share them in the comments!

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Watch the TODAY Show this Sunday!

2009-06-05T15:19:16-04:00

Just a quick post to let you know that my partner Jen is going to be interviewed on The TODAY Show on NBC this Sunday, June 7th! She'll be speaking about Adult AD/HD. Be sure to check your local listings and set your DVRs and TiVOs!

Adults with ADD: Get Your Career in Gear

2009-05-28T13:48:54-04:00

I'm stepping away from my usual format today to tell you about a really great event coming up in a few weeks. On June 17th, we'll be hosting the Get Your Career in Gear Webinar: How to Find and Keep the Perfect Job while Reducing Stress and Anxiety.

With the economy the way it is, a lot of people are worried about their careers. Many people are looking for work, and many more are stressed about keeping the jobs they have. Not only that, but a lot of people are struggling to succeed at work, trying to stand out and make an impression when the competition is stronger than ever.

Adults with AD/HD are no exception. In fact, as you well know, it's much harder to manage career stress when you're also managing AD/HD. Workplace issues are a serious matter--there's a lot at stake!--and that's why we decided to put together an event on AD/HD and career management.

Here's how it will work. On the afternoon of June 17th, which is a Wednesday, we're going to have 3 speakers: Wilma Fellman, a veteran career counselor, Paul Copcutt, a noted personal branding expert, and Ari Tuckman, a clinical psychologist specializing in AD/HD. Each of them will speak about a different facet of AD/HD and career management. (I'm actually very excited to hear what they have to say--they're all so different and they're each widely respected in their fields).

As a participant, your role is really easy. All you'll have to do is dial in by phone (or listen live on the web) and follow along with the slide presentations on a designated website. You won't have to download or install anything. (As the operations gal, I wanted to design it to be as user friendly as possible.)

And if you can't free up the afternoon to attend live, you'll be able to download the recordings and the speakers' slides to review on your own time. We're also offering follow-up worksheets and group coaching to everyone who registers for the Career Master option (see www.ADHDcareeringear.com for all the details).

So whether you or your partner is looking for work or struggling to manage career stress and anxiety, this event is guaranteed to be helpful and informative. I hope you decide to join us! Registration is open at www.ADHDcareeringear.com. And if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them!

For Partners of People with AD/HD: Ch-ch-changes

2009-05-12T13:17:05-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about change. I'm noticing change all around me, and I'm especially noticing the different ways in which people (and animals, as you'll see) deal with change.

First of all, it's finally, sort of, sometimes, on a good day, spring in New York. We've been waiting for what feels like an eternity for the weather to warm up and things to bloom. I certainly perk up in the warmer months, but Jen really thrives in nice weather, as do many people with ADD. She undergoes her own spring awakening every year around this time, and it's nice to see her back in the yard, excitedly doing whatever it is she does out there. For Jen, spring brings a welcome and much-needed change from the gloomy late-winter months. She is an example of someone who embraces change with open arms.

But there are other, less pleasant changes happening for others of us. Our 6-month-old puppy Trixie, whom many of you know is partially blind, is having trouble adjusting to some new light fixtures I put up over the weekend. Even though they're flush to the ceiling and eight feet over her head, she's afraid to walk under them. Not only that, but she's developed a fear of the garage since I cleaned it out on Saturday. Despite there being a lot less stuff in her way, she knows something is different and she's not happy about it. Trixie is an example of someone who needs a lot of time to adjust to change.

Quite the opposite of Trixie is the evil bird trying to take up residence in our dryer vent. Early on Friday morning, we heard chirping and rustling coming from inside the wall behind our laundry room. After much panicking on our part, animal control came and removed a bird, a starling to be exact, from the dryer hose, and he flew, unfazed, into a nearby tree. We initially thought, "Oh, the poor little guy. He must have been terrified to be stuck in that hose." (Although not as terrified as I was, with my lifelong, occasionally debilitating fear of birds.)

We assumed we'd seen the last of him. But undeterred, he came back the next day. This time we could tell he wasn't in the hose, just in the entrance of the vent, so at Jen's insistence and with great trepidation I turned the dryer on fluff (figuring that would be the least likely roasting setting), and watched as both he and his nest shot out of the vent as if fired from a cannon. He was, again, just fine. The makings of his nest, however, scattered all over the driveway (Trixie didn't like that either). We figured with no nest to return to, he wouldn't bother coming back, but just for good measure we had a handyman put some chicken wire inside the vent.

Well, what can I say? He was back with his girlfriend the very next day, showing her his etchings, even though he had no nest to speak of. I pounded on the wall and they flew away. But I fully expect them to appear again. This little bastard is an example of someone who refuses to accept change, even when it's in their best interest.

As for me, I cope with change by going with the flow as best I can. I tend to attract people (friends and family alike) who react very strongly to things. I'm often the calm in the center of the storm, and it's pretty much my job to not freak out. That doesn't mean I don't freak out--I write in my journal if I need to, or go for a drive--whatever I need to do to process my feelings. But I know that people (and dogs) depend on me to be calm and centered, so I make sure I come through for them.

The lesson to take away from all this is that when change comes (and it always comes) you need to be flexible and balanced enough to deal with your ADD partner's coping strategies, whatever they may be. Change is inevitable for us all, and you have to roll with the punches.

I'd like to punch that damn bird...

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For Partners of People with AD/HD: Good morning!

2009-04-14T14:15:42-04:00

Jen has mentioned several times on her blog that she needs a little time to get going in the morning. She's certainly not alone, especially among ADDers, and I've learned to give her the space she needs to ease into the day.

I wouldn't call myself a "morning person", but I typically get more done in the morning than at any other time of day. I also tend to be more talkative in the morning. That is, when I have someone to talk to.

Jen and I both make every effort not to schedule meetings or appointments in the morning (Jen because she's not at her best; me because I prefer to use my mornings productively). But sometimes it can't be avoided. Sometimes we find ourselves in the car before we've even had breakfast.

And like I said, I can be quite chatty in the morning, which you can imagine Jen doesn't so much appreciate. Jen would prefer to just drive, sip her coffee, and listen to news radio.

Recently, Jen and I found ourselves in the car before 9am, taking our puppy Trixie to the vet to get spayed. I was going on and on about some bullshit, as I always do, and Jen was pretty much ignoring me. Until I asked her a direct question, "Hey did you see that picture of the kitten in the--"

"I don't want you to keep talking."

I've heard about ADDers who are complete and total morning people (like I said, I've heard about them), but there are other ADDers whose energy peaks at night. Jen is by all accounts a "night owl", and I am decidedly not (even in my heyday, I needed a disco nap). So come 10:00 every night, Jen gets a second wind and I get really annoyed with her, the same way she gets annoyed with me in the morning (see here).

The lesson here is this: when you're in a mixed-ADD relationship, you have to be extra sympathetic to your partner's natural biorhythms. If you and your partner have points in the day where one of you wants to murder the other, you have two options: you can avoid each other, or you can gently remind each other, "Honey, I'm not at my best right now. Would you mind toning your energy down a little?" Jen and I do a mix of both, and it works pretty well.

Do you and your partner peak at different times in the day? Feel free to share your stories and strategies in the comments.

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For Partners of People with AD/HD: This is Your Partner's Brain

2009-02-26T14:20:43-05:00

I did a blog post last year about how my ADD partner Jen often describes her brain as a nonstop hamster wheel. Well, thanks to the incomparable ICHC, we now have a visual illustration of the ADD Brain:

Just thought you'd enjoy that as much as I did.

For Partners of People with AD/HD: Stop Screwing with My Systems

2009-02-13T13:40:33-05:00

Jen and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary. When we first got together, I moved into her apartment. She'd been there awhile and had already established a place for all her stuff, so I followed suit. No problem.

But when we moved into our house about 3 years ago, we had to create brand new organizational systems for where things go. Before we ever unpacked, Jen asked if I wouldn't mind if she set up the kitchen cabinets, drawers, refrigerator, and pantry on her own. She's the only one who cooks, so of course I didn't take issue with her request.

Admittedly, I'm a very organized person, but I'm not rigid. Still, Jen has configured the kitchen in a way that makes very little sense to me, and sometimes when I'm not paying attention, I'll put something where it doesn't "belong".

Allow me to illustrate:

Cabinet #1: small appliances, mixing bowls, strainers. Gotcha.
Cabinet #2: barbecue rotisserie, immersion blender, garbage bags. You're losing me.
Drawer #1: spatulas, mixing spoons, ladles. No problem.
Drawer #2: pie plate, cookie cutters, onions. I'm sorry, what?

Uncomfortable as I may sometimes feel with the cabinets and drawers, I rarely screw things up in there. It's the pantry and the fridge that get me every time. Some things in jars, such as peanut butter, go on the second shelf in the pantry; other things in jars, such as coconut butter, go on the third shelf. To me, if it's in a jar, it goes with the other jars. I can't get it right. And, understandably, Jen gets totally thrown off when something is not in its place in the kitchen.

People with ADD need structure, plain and simple. When things are out of order, ADDers tend to get overwhelmed and stressed out. As their partners, we need to be sensitive to that. No matter how crazy their organizational systems may seem to us, we can't screw with them. And we can't force them to do things our way, a way which might not even make sense to them. So even if it feels like you're in Salvador Dali's kitchen, just put the damn peanut butter on the right shelf.

I mean, I know how Jen feels. Like I said, I'm far from rigid--I'm a huge fan of the junk drawer (I have one upstairs and one downstairs)--but when I find things in odd places, it drives me up a wall.

For example, Jen likes to wear bracelets. But rather than keeping them in her jewelry box, she keeps them on the kitchen table. This makes perfect sense to her, because having them there, by her purse and her keys, reminds her to put one on as she's heading out the door. In my mind, accessories are supposed to live in the bedroom, with the clothes. You put them on when you get dressed, not as you're getting ready to leave the house. Seeing all those bracelets on the kitchen table really annoys me.

But that's the key difference: it only annoys me. It doesn't throw me off balance. I can deal with the bracelets being on the table; Jen can't deal with not being able to find the blender when she needs it. Sure, it may seem like no big deal, but when you have a whole day filled with one "no big deal" after another, it becomes a big deal. It's your job to remember that your ADD partner gets overwhelmed easily, and you have to be sensitive to that. You just have to. They put up with your shit, too, you know.

Now wish me luck as I go attempt to make a sandwich.

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