So Then It Was

Four.

2012-01-23T17:37:00.000+08:00

It was almost four in the morning
You murdered the night with your call.
I was groggy, and I did not understand how
Your purple glow illuminated the room.

Four times, four times again.
This is the fourth time, even when I said
Never again. Never will you enter this place
But you did, and I

In four times, of four types of despair,
answered in four letters
"what?"
Four weeks ago, we were people.

Four weeks from now,
I see us in a room
sharing a pale purple glow,
and me dying after the fourth call.

Distance is fiber optics

2012-01-15T22:55:00.001+08:00

Why do I dream of you? Why do i fathom your heart so intently? How is it that my imagination will not relent? This dream is like a disease. It is not forgiving, And it infects every corner of my being. It persists ever so tenderly And my heart, as the gears of my mind turn, Twist into shapes I vaguely recognize From my days as an alcoholic How does an idea, an insidiously beautiful idea Poison the very core of my existence? Savagely taking over the senses, Slowly controlling every whim, Lovingly coercing my every thought Convincing my hands to click the key And request your friendship Again or for the first time Depending on who you are today.

I Thought I Believed in Fairytales

2012-01-09T18:07:00.000+08:00

I thought I believed in fairytales, but all along, I just wanted to believe in impossible things.

I've heard that in different places around the world, they happen all the time. In those places you'd never expect (or have heard of), they happen when no one is looking. Maybe that's a good thing -- it gives us reason to hope for such things to happen to people like us. But we're a bit too far from those places, wherever they are. And believing and hoping, has but little to do with them happening.

Constantly we yearn for our little impossible dreams, and this is not to say that we shouldn't, but some days, it's quite exhausting especially with the lack of results wouldn't you say? But still, we keep at it. Why?

People have also spoken of doing instead of dreaming. Fuck that, how do you do the impossible? How do you, for instance, make someone who doesn't love you, love you back? Or something less cheesy perhaps... How do you fight for something, with no one to fight?

Silence is scary. So is turning yourself into a machine to escape the infinite loops of impossibility. But this is where we live. And this is how things are.

So, we fight, and hope, and dream and love. Despite never finding it, or never accomplishing it. Despite watching other people accomplish it, and doing it yourself, and doing as they do, and doing as God wants. All the same, we believe in fairytales, even when we do know they do not come true. The age of monsters have come and gone, and these are the days, don't you just with they were here too? That way, maybe, their impossibility makes the impossible things of our lives true as well?

Dear Anthony,

2011-12-23T17:21:00.000+08:00

Dear Anthony,
I'd like to remember who you are.
And the stories we shared,
half a lifetime ago. Whoever we were.

Where and when did we share,
our first whatever, those many years ago.
and though, our love may not have lasted,
I'm sorry for having to forget.

Dear Anthony,
Will you remember me if we met again?
Will we make mixtapes for each other,
to remind us of what we had?

Dear Anthony,
I'm sorry.
And if never knowing, or remembering,
is the price I pay, for the crimes I cannot say,
then I shall pay them daily, and without regret.

A Queer Thing

2011-12-05T20:36:00.001+08:00

It is a queer thing that both stories should end with a book.

When once, we fled to shadows
to feed of the needs of the other,
light would breech the darkness
and we'd be exposed. Naked and baking,
In the solemn stare of the dead and living.

Like film, we'd flash, and sizzle to the sun.
Forgetting the memories we held,
and quickly as the fraction of the second we took
to remember them by. We are, after all
Fleeting. And as we wind ourselves around each other

We forget that only in light
can we ever truly freeze time.
Holding them as tight as an embrace,
before we're dipped in the developer.
It is a queer thing, us.

We remain only as long as someone else cannot see
us,

for so long as they can see.

Wicked Little Town

2011-11-14T20:11:00.001+08:00

Tread lightly upon even fall.
Climb the staircase that knows no end,
and breathe for the first time,
the air of no belonging. Freedom from freedom.

Sneak past your invisible captors,
Run swift into the woods! Run!
Tread lightly! and run!
Meet the morning breaking first light.

Meet the breeze that whispers into your ear.
And, should it whisper my name,
Find me, far away and in a place I never knew of
So far from our once wicked little town.

I am yours to keep,
And where the shadows end,
is where our light begins.
And it does not matter anymore.

Rage

2011-11-04T22:00:00.003+08:00

rage looks like unsigned emails,
sounds like distant banter from our telephony-communication
looks like people who brought you to where you are
tastes like anger, death, and just a bit of prayer.
It can be found beside a church
On your bed, as you try to catch a moment
In the glint of friendly eyes
In despairing hopeless romanticism
Enveloped in the arms of consolation
Holding hands with giving up.

it feels like tearing paper
from inside
from out.
all together now.

Lightning

2011-10-16T21:04:00.001+08:00

We stretch out our arms and fly.
Across the vastness of vacant hearts
We shoot across the night skies,
And strike each other as we find center.

Flying through the empty vastness
Soaring through worlds so small,
we'd forget our names as we burn them,
Unforgiving, quick as a blink, we burn them.

Striking each other with a static moving charge
Quivering ever so slightly at what we do.
We do it anyway, again and again.
We are lightning. Reaching across the sky.

And we disappear
as soon as we touch.

Simple

2011-09-29T11:00:00.001+08:00

[simple. I'm not petty
I
not you. (do you see the distance?
doubled by you)

P R O B L E M S.

But that's mostly just

me.
Because you say so.
And I won't argue because you might be right.
But I'm not worth it.

So get over it. and
M(L)
O
V
E

Because maybe, they fit in. It's ]

And that's the [problem], where I is a variable for different names.

I wished for light

2011-09-26T15:49:00.000+08:00

I wished for light on the eve of midnight
Offered flowers, blood, and magic for it,
at half past eleven in the heart of darkness
I wished for light, I sought, I prayed.

Beneath the open sky, I opened my heart
With a blade as sharp as goodbye,
as freshly forged as hello, as remarkable
as the constellation Leo. I opened my heart.

I wished for light on the eve of midnight,
Beneath the open sky, my heart dispersed into a million shards
across the universe of the moon and stars,
and in it's place, the sun rose behind the western horizon.

I am water. I am light.

You Left Me To Walk

2011-09-23T20:41:00.001+08:00

Time is like the waters of the shore.
Always crashing and caressing,
the face of the soft sand, and one night
he sweeps it all away.

You left me to walk underwater
Above fire, beneath the earth
You left me to walk in solitude.
And I waited for the first breath of air.

While miles apart we grew, and
sandstorms have come and gone
I learn to breath without my lungs.
You left me to walk.

And walk I did.
I will walk towards you.

Water

2011-09-16T21:59:00.001+08:00

Water is pure.
Water cannot drown,
because it is water that drowns.
It takes in all that is not his
and silently undulates
with all the debris
And Water smiles.

Water is safe.
Water cannot fail,
because water does not fade.
To love and to accept
To remember
To forget.
And water gives in.

What happens when water evaporates?
Soars from vast oceans
straight into the seas of concrete and soil.
When water forgets his name?
The foliage grows, and life begins a new
And water is not water anymore.

He has no name.
Water has drowned.
No more, please, no more.

To the People I love/d

2011-09-04T16:38:00.002+08:00

To the people I love/d
I wish you well, in light of summers past.
Where joy reigns in the freest plains
of time and space and understanding.

Where once, we'd meet, half and half
Across our oceans of today and tomorrow.
And as yesterdays, return us to our homes
beyond the shades of trees, oceans, and the plains

We looked back once, to see the other
remain as we collapse into ash, because rules are rules.
Live and let live, they said,
So live we shall, across plains, and oceans, and beneath the trees.

To the people I love/d
I wish you well, I wish you happiness.
I wish I could still walk to the shade of trees
But I'd rather stay in the shade of my home

(Where you will never find me)

Hindi ka ba natatakot?

2011-08-27T22:34:00.000+08:00

Hindi ka ba natatakot sa akin?
Isang ihip ng hangin na bagkus
Kayang paalunin ang karagatan
ay kaya kang mahalin?

Hindi ba kumikirot ang iyong balat
sa haplos ng aking mga labi
sa iyong pisngi sa tuwinang hatid
ng unos na di natin mabatid?

Hindi ka ba natatakot sa akin?
Isang hamak ng estatuwa,
kaakibat ng sahig at dingding,
kapatid ng bato at semento

Hindi tao, kung di isang bagay
isang kaisipang hindi kilala ang sarili?
Takot sa sarili. Takot sa iyo.
Pero handang ibigin ang lahat ng ikaw?

On Anger

2011-08-25T21:53:00.000+08:00

this is a follow up for the previous post.

TELL ME YOUR NAME!
TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!
TELL ME!

Because I am not afraid,
to hear the words.
To understand, or to listen.
Tell me, because I do not know,
Tell me, because you will not say!

Tell me,
because I am the sun,
and you are the moon,
We give light, and we share the universe
beyond those of mortal eyes.

And save for an eclipse,
...
We are not together.

All I want to know

2011-08-25T21:44:00.000+08:00

It is seven in the morning,
and all I want to know is your name.
I do not want signs, or empty shells
of ideas, or concepts, or machinations
that try to contain the entirety of you,
all I want to know is your name.

At five past nine, seated behind a desk,
All I want to know is who you are.
The words that escape the farthest understanding
to the questions you ask me, and the silence
I can only give, because distance, as confusion,
always muddles what I have to say.

Nine past noon, I am by your side
and all I want to know is how to love you.
When silence, or fear, or anguish, or memories
Have left us both, and not even questions remain,
I want to know how to love you.

Seven in the evening, and I do not want
to know your name
to know who you are
to know how to love you
to know how to understand you

the hours and the minutes and the seconds
fly by as quickly as they come to our shores
and yet, past this moment, past the hours to come
even past midnight

All I want is to know
how to make you understand
or how to make you listen
or perhaps,
even just how to say
that I love you.

Making Coffee

2011-08-22T22:17:00.000+08:00

You might take a cup from the cupboard

Or perhaps of the top shelf of the corner store.

Leaving a space where there wasn't one

So that you can fill a space.

You'd place a teaspoon of instant coffee

two creams one sugar. or just pour in the 3-in-1.

Some come together, some you'd have to make

But still, they'll all meet on your tongue.

You could fill the cup with hot water,

or cold water, whichever takes your fancy.

Whichever works for the day. Considerations?

Maybe, but not always for more than yourself.

And then you'd sit down,

and stare, and light cigarettes, and smile.

It's raining out,

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Mirrors and Verses

2011-08-12T21:57:00.001+08:00

How is that
as I've been staring at myself
for two years time,
writing words, upon words
upon questions, upon sentences

that I find myself being written on

upon sentences, upon questions
upon words, writing words
for this time being
as you've been staring at yourself.
How is that?

Tibok ng Isipan

2011-08-02T22:12:00.000+08:00

May isang gabing aking napagtanto
Ang pangungulila ng katawan sa piling mo
Isang mainit na yakap, sa gitna ng ulang di papigil
Walang kabuluhang bulong na nakakikitil

Sa pangungulilang ito, nagpaalipin ako sa Buwan
Kanyang hinila ang mga damdaming kay tapang
At pinilas mula sa kuko ng puso, ang mga ala-ala
Ng yakap at bulong, at halik sa kathang madla

Ika'y aking hinanap sa dagat, sa langit, at sa mga bituwin
Dahan-dahang umaasa sa pangakong di ka na kikimkimin
Pag-ibig na walang lunas, sakit na walang katapusan
Ito nga ba, marahil, ang ating huling pagtutuos?

malamang hindi.

Downpour's Respite

2011-07-25T22:36:00.001+08:00

Brighter that the bluest night
I feasted upon the starry light
Of cobalt dreams and broken pavement
I listened to stories of love and resentment

Hands met, and lips flew past
as lights and cars drove by fast
and paced heartbeats moved up to a run
Where hands found this evening's fun.

Lo and behold, the jesters spoke
and liars abound, this night's yoke
was of lust, and tremors and the tremulo
Where he found his fears before him come to life.

And while your smile is up and high,
I will gleam upon this night's sky
So when it sinks, and your heart is gone,
I will understand that I was not the one.

Said the king, said the queen, said the prince
and my hands stained in blood and shit, I cannot rinse
So lo and behold, my night is through
the rain's downpour signals my cue.

This evening's audience is unsure too
If in fact, this lovely show is through
Between two pairs of hands that crossed
And bridges burnt, as autumn did freeze.

Ipagtataka

2011-07-25T18:44:00.002+08:00

Siguro, sa maghapong ito, aking ipagtataka
ang iyong biglang paglisan, walang pasabi, o kibo
Naglaho na lamang sa hangin ng kahapon, sinta ko
Ang ating mga mapang-uyam na imik, alinlangan
Alinlangan ng kahapon, at ngayong pagpabubukas

Siguro, sa gabing ito, aking ipagtataka
Ano nga ba ang pangalan ko? 'Sang hamang na lalaki,
Na sa gabing ito, at sa kahapong nagdaan, ikaw,
Sinta kong walang imik, puno ng hikbi at kat'nungan
Sa biglang salita, siya rin namang naglahong kay bigla

Siguro, sa umagang ito, aking ipagtataka
Kung bakit ika'y lumisan, o sinta kong iniibig
Saan ka pupunta, saan mahal ko, saan mahal ko?
Dapat ba akong mabahala, sa paglisan mong bigla?
O pipikit na lang at idarasal ang 'yong paglakbay.

Tahakin ang daang kay ligtas ng ika'y makabalik!
Maglakbay ng marahan, sinta, dahil matagal man 'yon,
Ika'y naman ay makababalik muli sa piling ko,
Matapos ang paghabol sa kung ano man ang hanap mo.
Ako'y mangangahas mangarap sa iyong pagbabalik.

Hindi ako

2011-07-21T21:32:00.001+08:00

Hindi ako ang mahal mo
Natutunan ko ng tanggapin, at intindihin
ang mga katagang binitiwan mo
makalipas ang ilang daang taon.

Hindi ako ang kailangan mo.
Hindi ako bulag, at alam kong ang piling
Ng sandaang kamay ang hanap mo
Ang haplos ng init ng katawan.

Hindi ako ang hinahanap-hanap mo.
Dahil ako ay nanatili sa aking kinatatayuan
Makalipas ang ilang daang taon,
At hinintay kita.

Pero iyong unawain,
Makalipas ang ilang daang oras
ng ating mapait na pagsasama
Na hindi ako ang nagkulang.

Hindi ako ang walang imik.
Hindi ako ang nagsayang ng oras
Hindi ako ang walang natutunan
Pero higit sa lahat

Hindi ako ang bakla,
Dahil hindi ako,
ang hindi kayang panindigan
Ang kanyang mga salita.

Tell me what to do

2011-07-18T19:43:00.002+08:00

Under the blood moon,

I call out my oath, and since

I have never looked back.

The incantations are strong,

the bind is of iron and oak.

And I have drowned in the deep of the sea.

I call out every word,

as prayers and magic spells do.

Finding more than words

deep inside the chambers of the ocean

For every word I utter.
The stirring rises,

But the air remains still.

Silence envelopes the maddened panic

Fabricating fear, losing sensibility

calling out, chanting louder

begging for answers,

weeping in anguish.

Forgetting the words,

Distance growing, age approaching

decadence calling, focus fading

hope denied.

Tell me what to do.

I Went to a Dark Place

2011-07-04T19:19:00.001+08:00

Daybreak. Fragments of life beneath the surface

Recede from the surface, and I awoke.

Falling back down into reveries of light,

I fled to a Dark Place, and I awoke.

Noon. Behind the shelves of distant lovers

I crossed, watched, and treaded lightly.

Thoughts and nothings were flying through

And I crossed and treaded lightly to my escape.

I fled to a dark place, and I awoke.

Fragments of life beneath the surface

Resurrected nightmares, and hounds hounding.

Faling back down into reveries of light.

Dusk. Distance fled, distance lost.

I fled to a dark place, and I fell asleep.

Waking up to fragments of realities

Beneath the surface, without the nightmares.

I fled to a dark place.

Tapos na ang Unos.

2011-06-21T21:57:00.001+08:00

Tapos na ang unos,
at ako ay tutungo sa hilaga.
Paparoon ako upang tuklasin
Ang katahimikan matapos ng karahasan
O di kaya'y karanasan.

Patungo roon, patungo sa hilaga
Tapos na ang unos,
At ako ay maglalakbay.
Iiwan na ang mga salitang binitiwan,
Pero hindi lilimutin.

Ihahandog ang mga ito
sa ala-ala ng mangingibig sa gabi
Tapos na ang unos,
at naghihintay ang hilaga sa akin.
Dahil wala ng narito pa.

Bibitbitin ng hangin,
ang awit ng mga inibig
at hahalik ito sa tainga ng iba
Tapos na ang unos,
Sa paghihintay ito natapos.

Ang buhay ay paghihintay raw,
Ngunit ako'y maglalakbay pahilaga
habang naghihintay, upang tumuklas
Ng bagong mga awit, koro, at tula.
Dahil tapos na ang unos.