So this is me talking

The Cat-Sitter

2010-05-12T13:17:00.001-07:00

The Cat-Sitter checked the address on his clipboard staring up at the house in front of her, and then used The Key to go inside. He is wearing a dark blue v-neck sweater and dark green sweatpants. His clothing is covered in hair as well as some pretzel crumbs. He is about 6 feet tall and has a large round stomach.

This mother fucker has got to be kidding me. He thinks he can walk up in my shit and do whatever he wants? Fuck that noise. I’m the head honcho here and I do my thing. He better not touch me, I swear I will poop on the counter.

Don’t you fucking come near me fat man.

“Spss Sspsss Spsssss, tcktck tck…kitty cat! Where are youuuuu? I’m your new friend! We’re going to spend the night together!”

Get the fuck out of my house. God dam it I don’t need a baby sitter and a grown ass cat.

“How am I supposed to feed you if I don’t meet you?”

Like that makes any sense…leave the god damn food out in my bowl and I will eat it and go to sleep and pretend I never saw you.

“Alrighty then! Let me know when you want to eat!!! I’ll be ordering pay-per-view and eating all your food!”

What a prick.

“So what have you got here…mmmm oreos….DOUBLE STUFFED oreos! I will take these…you guys got 2%? …I guess skim milk will do…alright alright…pizza bagels for later. Oreos milk….uhhh yes cheezits….oreos milk cheezits…”

Why is he pausing like he is still looking for shit…

“Oreos milk cheezits and….yes! Pizza stack Pringles…and what’s this! Original recipe glass bottle Coca-Cola! Well I’ll be darned! We’re gonna have a party tonight kitty cat.”

This dude is gonna take the grossest crap later.

exams

2010-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

its like i'm in a desert

my dick is plastered into a concrete block

i'm sweating as i watch the quickly approaching tornado get closer

and the only thing i can do

is puke on my own balls

some pizza i ate today

2010-04-14T17:22:00.001-07:00

delicious buffalo chicken pizza slices from the newly established maxie's pizza bar and grill

i killed that shit

2010-04-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

i'll tell you your the best when i'm looking in the mirror

2010-04-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

I’m a fast food dude, and it ain’t no surpise

That just like my dick my fries is supersized

Wendy called me up, says shes feelin saucy

And she wants my manwich with a extra large frosty

Drive thru or sit down, either way I get it

I go quick so I dissapoint like jj redick

Pulled my dong out, and now she’s humpin it

She just like mcdonalds cause she say she lovin it

Call her BK cause I can have her my way

In a bathroom stall so we gotta fuck sideways

My girls works at arbys, so the food we steal

And she’ll let me fuck her friend that’s a value meal

I fuck so much that my eyes get blurry

And I accidentally cum in my girls mcflurry

Shes says my footlong tastes the best

Like subway: eat fresh

Published Short Story

2010-04-10T18:42:00.001-07:00

I got this short story published her at Johns Hopkins. It should be in a magazine before the spring is over...Go me, right?

Here it is. Its a revised version of one of my old joints.

My Tomatoes

The new building was so large it blocked the sun, dooming my tomatoes.

I’ve been raising tomatoes every year for the past 5 years. My tomatoes are housed in a pot, which looks like a wooden barrel cut in half. I raise approximately 4 tomatoes plants per season, plus or minus 1. This number fluctuates in direct correlation with weather patterns and my dedication. In order to raise a healthy tomato plant I need to refill the patch with new soil every year. I also put crushed eggshells in the soil when I get the chance. The soil integrates the calcium or other nutrients as the shells decompose. When the breeze comes through the open balcony door it makes the whole room smell fresh and alive with tomatoes.

I am a Technician Consultant for Comcast, and before now we had been working out of a two-story building. Now Comcast has bought the shopping center our building was in, destroyed the other shops, and built a 38-story skyscraper. I believe it does technically scrape the sky because the windows on the 35^th, 36^th, 37^th, and 38^th floor are covered in condensation. I’ve never been up there, but that’s what I’ve heard.

I live in a small apartment complex called The Village Lofts. It’s across the street from what used to be the shopping center. There used to be this little Korean market where I would buy apples, and milk, and the seeds for my tomatoes. I don’t think any of the employees there spoke English but the old woman at the cash register always smiled at me.

The Korean Market has been replaced by our new building. Before the new building I would have to ride my bike to work, and I would have to wake up at 6 in the morning to get in by 8. Now I don’t have to leave my house until 7:40 to make it in on time. Although it is convenient and I get 2 extra hours of sleep, my apartment balcony only receives sunlight from approximately 6 A.M. to 9 A.M. After that my balcony sits in the shade of the new 38-story Comcast skyscraper.

Because of the lack of sunlight, my five-year stretch of working the earth in the spring to receive tomatoes would come to an end. I searched the Internet for ways to sustain tomatoes indoors. I found pictures of complicated systems of sun lamps and sprinkler systems. I found an abandoned television projection light and I left work early, which I have never done before. I stared at my tomatoes shadowed by a monster, and set up my artificial sun. My tomatoes had to be relegated into my bedroom closet. I hung the lamp from the tie rack in my closet, running an extension chord threw my dress shirts and ties.

The tomatoes were kept company by my five white dress shirts, my red tie and my blue tie, my black dress shoes and my old New Balance sneakers. My father’s old baseball cap and the teddy bear I slept with as a child. The tomatoes would miss the wind, they would miss the rain, and they would miss the gradual loss of light, especially in comparison to the abrupt change from me flicking the lamp on and off.

I watched my tomatoes fade over the weeks. I had followed all of the directions I could find. I put a fan into my room, periodically simulating gusts of wind. I drowned them one night to simulate a storm. My tomatoes knew they were in my closet, they knew something was not right. My tomatoes had lost the will to live. Plants aren’t really plants when they are stuffed into a closet. The building had killed the Korean Market and they were trying to kill my tomatoes. I had to do something.

My tomatoes would survive.

The next day at work I checked in and went directly to installation. I used the Comcast computer from my cubicle to rush order Potassium Permanganate, Aluminium, Nitric acid, a few metal pipes and a leather jacket like Neo wore from the Matrix.

I went to work the next day in my new leather jacket, checked in, and took the elevator to the 30^th floor. I was trying to get to the 38^th, but there is a separate elevator to get there. I explained to the receptionist that I had a meeting with Mr. Waz and regardless of what meetings he had I was going to the 38^th floor. I asked her if she knew who I was. She said no. I gave the woman the middle finger as I ran for the elevator…the wait for the elevator was uncomfortable.

As I hit the button numbered “38” I heard the receptionist call security. I didn’t care. I walked calmly towards what the Mr. Waz’s office and push the double doors open. The office was empty besides the leather furniture. The view was incredible; I had never been up this high. It was like the sun was shining directly into the room. I took a deep breath and pressed the button on the detonating, anticipating a ten second wait. The sun would shine bright on my apartment once again. I stepped closer to the windows, stepped closer to the sun, and bumped into something by my feet. A ceramic pot of tomatoes.

2010-04-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

i'm on my grind showtayy

don't block my shine showtaaayyy

yes

2010-04-06T18:02:00.001-07:00

help

2010-04-06T08:25:00.001-07:00

YO SOMEBODY NEEDS TO REMIND ME TO UPDATE THIS NONSENSE

if anyone actually still reads this, i implore you to provide me some help...

i'd like to create a mystical journey for some character, but i have no character and no mystical journey

if you'd like to be part of me writing a story + song + creating some ill-ustrations send me some ideas!

i need some names for the character and his personality a little bit with the same for his villain

once i got through this work and finish this story i'm working on i'll be posting my ideas and hopefully YOU (the person i assume may be reading this stupid shit) will let me know what you think

i'd appreciate a hand...fucker!

2010-03-07T08:44:00.001-08:00

i am listening to the new gorillaz cd 'plastic beach' while studying for 'american literature from 1865'

i thought the class was gonna be close reading and analysis but early american literature is just people talking to indians...fuck

strepster

2010-03-03T12:31:00.000-08:00

i got real bad strep throat yo! but forcing down chicken strips makes me feel better.

the shot of penicillin they shoved into my butt cheek makes my whole hip sore

shit balls

WOAH I GOT A BLOG?

2010-03-01T08:48:00.001-08:00

oh shit!

let me pretend people read this and update my life shit

-i am trying out for the johns hopkins football team...no i have never played but i'ma put the work in

-my comedy shit is on the youtube

-my throat hurts

-i'm tired

-and i've been having diarrhea lately!

thats all i got for now

let me know if there are any people that read this

8==D

2010-01-24T01:55:00.001-08:00

'cause you can't know

until you know

new years resolutions

2009-12-31T12:51:00.000-08:00

i feel like if i write these out in a public forum there will be more pressure on me to actually stick to them, so here we go

-i will lift at least 3 times a week and play basketball at least 3 times a week to assure my physical fitness, health, and happiness. 3 things that are important

-i will continue to not drink soda...i have had 4 sodas in 6 months...3 ginger ales and a dr. pepper

-i will continue to make songs, rap or whatever, because i enjoy them and other people at least say they enjoy them ;)

-i will begin refining my skills as a writing, both with the songs i write both also with poetry and ficition

-i will dedicate myself to attempting to be famous, you know, i might as well

-meaning...more songs, more youtube videos, and shamelessly plugging my own projects, as well as going to any auditions i can, and spreading my seed as a talented young black woman

-i will eat at least a salad a day, because they are tasty and they really help with my poop

-i will eat an apple and/or a banana in the morning, because they are delicious AND healthy

-i will do more things i enjoy and less things i don't enjoy

-i.e. my selection of classes..etc.

-i will listen to more lil jon, because he is Wise

-i will try to get off of the facebook and i will try to play less video games...because doing those don't help me with my life in anyway

-i won't always take 2 showers a day..it dries my skin out and shit

-i'll get mo' sleep

thats all i got now..let me know if you think i need some new shit

Gayowoulf

2009-12-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

what is this shit right here

2009-12-22T22:04:00.000-08:00

winter break is horseshit!

i haven't done a single thing besides nothing

yeah and people say "sometimes its nice to just sit and have nothing to do"

yea its fucking awesome like 1 time

not like 1 time all the time

at least i only have 12 days of break left, fucking horseshit!

another jam

2009-12-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

assuming AGAIN that you dick wads out there read this
i will provide another jam i enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqy0eH1lIZ4
click on that shit right there

jam of the week

2009-12-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

assuming any of you assholes read this bullshit...
here is a song i have been enjoying recently

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5bq9v_oOyc

eminem-elevator

check it out, you should enjoy it

2009-12-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

a blog with lists of feelings!!

2009-12-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

shit i like right neow
peach snapple iced tea
pringles
sleeping
not sleeping through classes
basketball
ice cream
pizza
writing that doesn't suck
shit i don't like right neow
where i am
my left calf
those girls who played basketball with us and made everything awkward
writing this essay
the cold
the lack of pizza in my hands and mouth
my sleepiness

2009-12-02T12:51:00.001-08:00

yes please

an odd occurence

2009-11-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

so...
monday, november 23rd i woke up to my alarm at 9:30. I had calculus lecture at 10 and an intro to psych test at 11. I decided since i had been up late studying that I should return to sleep and miss my calculus class. I got back in bed thinking I had set a new alarm for 10:30. I had done such, except at 10:30 p.m.

During my sleep I had a dream. I was walking with my friend jamie to his house, except his house was a farm, with horses and horse shit everywhere and shit. So we are walking along this path to his house when jamie becomes my from scott aka dick boy.

Me and scott begin walking up the path to his house, which is for some reason a barn. The path to the main door is blocked by two long horn bulls fighting, or something like that. Scott casually walks around this altercation and I attempt to follow. I was attempting to not distract the bulls while walking, but ended up bumping into a cage of monkeys. The monkeys awoke screaming, which woke up the snakes. The snakes were attempting to bite me, however they were stuck in their cages. All but one.

A huge green and white serpent coiled out of a burlap sack with fangs exposed. It wasn't in a cage because it wasn't poisonous, which I knew for some reason, because it was a dream. So this mother fucker of a snack lunges for my chest, but I dodge my torso back and it missed my sternum just barely. BUT because of gravity and its momentum the snakes attempt of a bite lands lower.

Directly into my right testicle.

so it was like the picture, except not that guy's face, but my right nut

Now this hurt more than anything in my entire life. It had landed both fangs directly into my ball, through my pants and sack. I couldn't see the blood but I knew it was flowing freely.

At this point I am yelling to scott that this "fucking snake bit my fucking ball, dude!" Scott provides me no assistance, and the snake lets go of my ball...only to sink its teeth once again into my testie.

This shit hurt so bad that I had to wake up. After snapping back from my bloody sack dream world I noticed it was 10:51, nine minutes before my psych test was going to begin. I threw on some jeans, no undies, and an (evidently) inside out polo. It was cold and raining but I did not wear a jacket, but I did wear boat shoes without socks.

Fucking shoes made to be worn on a boat, i.e. boat shoes, should be fucking water proof.

So I arrived at the test just as they were handing out and explained to my peers that I was late because a snake ripped my jawn up all crazy. I then proceeded to tell everyone I knew about the dream just so I could make sure that it really was a dream and come to grips with the reality that my scrote was undamaged. I remained uncomfortable with my boys (nuts) the rest of the day, constantly re-adjusting and checking their status, but they remained un-bitten.

My friends explained to me that this dream obviously meant I was a butty-boy or an aspiring eunuch (priest like dudes who get their balls removed). But I believe it was simply myself punching myself in the dick to wake me up.

You be the judge.
;-)

The Library

2009-11-22T13:55:00.000-08:00

> I give the guard my ID and he swipes it through his computer to
Gain me access to this place of knowledge.
Shelves of tombs and textbooks unread and collecting dust.
I come here for silence and a place to sit,
Ignoring the histories and studies of things I don’t understand,
Listening to Three 6 Mafia and copying my friend’s calculus answers.
The books could be empty and hollow for all I know or care.

Little vents in the ceiling blast static white noise.
I listen to white noise when I sleep to drown out
Air conditioners, fans and machines that simulate
The sound of a waterfall

I wonder if the white noise system here could be high jacked
And it could be used to play a constant minor chord
And it would make everyone heartbroken
And instead of calculus homework or writing psychology papers
All of the students would write home to their mothers and
Daydream about the one that got away and the one they haven’t found yet

new jam of the weak

2009-11-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK22WdZlDq8&feature=related

drake ft. lykke li-lil bit

I'M ON A BOAT

2009-11-11T18:39:00.000-08:00