Soaring Success

Comparing Self-Esteem, Self-Worth and Self-Confidence.

Daniel Scott — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 00:53:02 +0000

The term complex equivalence refers to what you identify something to be, or what you think something means. As an NLP trainer it’s interesting to take notice of how often people become confused by the different meaning people apply to self-related terms. At that point it becomes easy for a person to mix them up and try to use them interchangeably even though they all originally had a different complex equivalence. The three most common, and most important, of these types of self-related terms are Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, and Self-Confidence.

Self-esteem; whether you like yourself or not.

What most people are referring to when they talk about someone having personal issues begins with self-esteem. The term Self-Esteem is really about whether people like themselves or not — do they like the person they are and how they handle life’s experiences. When we want to consider our own self-esteem, the deeper components which need to be sorted out can be broken down to one of two things: our deeper values in life, or our general beliefs about how the world works.

The things you feel are important in life can be summed up under what NLP defines as your “personal values.” These are things that you assign the feelings of good & bad, right & wrong, etc. and they are part of what drives us to do the things we do and why we do them. Major self-esteem issues arise if you have conflicting values — for example; when teens both value “doing the right thing” and “being accepted by friends” then in the case of peer pressure those values can be in conflict. In a situation where the person’s friends spontaneously decide to commit an act of random vandalism, the two values would then create an internal conflict which — no matter what they decide to do — would in the future plague them as a form of self-doubt where they question whether they made the right decision.

Self-esteem can also relate to self-image externally — this is common among teen girls who often dwell upon the parts of their physical appearance which do not meet the standards they set for beauty. In these cases it’s still related to deeper values such as being accepted by their peers or whether or not they are deserving of being loved (both of which are related to self-worth — see below); however, the girl’s deeper belief system around what “looking beautiful” means in this world.

Self-worth; what you think you deserve in this world.

It’s common to find that people seem to connect their self-esteem to expectations of worth — we relate how good of a person we are to what we deserve to have in this world. This is most evident when people make comments like, “It’s the best I can hope for.” Two key areas of life where one’s self-worth play a huge role in setting and achieving goals are Relationships and Career.

In the area of personal relationships it’s easy to see how one’s self-image can have an affect on the type of person they expect to fall in love with — how this and self-worth are linked can be summarized by what they are willing to “settle for” in a romantic relationship. In the case of relationships it’s more common to find people use internal filters of self-esteem as their source of determining what they are worth. As well, take notice that this isn’t necessarily related to physical attraction — whether or not someone is attracted to another person has to do with what they value (what they want) in a significant other.

Career and self-worth are related more externally than the area of relationships in the sense that a person will only work to achieve what they feel others think they deserve. This can be most apparent by what a person thinks their annual wage should be (not what they wish it would be).

Self-confidence; whether or not you believe you can accomplish something.

In the case of self-confidence we’re talking about what a person thinks they can or cannot do. Your ability to achieve something is not necessarily related to either self-esteem or self-worth in the sense that it mainly relies upon past experiences and accomplishments i.e. when you have been successful at something in the past then it’s natural for you to believe you’ll be successful at the same task in the future.

Similar to one’s self-esteem, a person’s self-confidence can also occasionally be put in question by experiences or knowledge that change that person’s beliefs around the task they are looking at accomplishing. As an example, if a recent set of events in which the person made decisions that, by chance, happened to end in failure, this set of experiences can directly effect their belief in their own decision-making skills. Predictable Performance is the term we give to behavior patterns that follow an understood, expected — or predictable — path or pattern. If that person’s past experiences in making choices commonly ended in success, then they will have confidence in the ability to make decisions in the now; however, if they are faced with enough experiences where that expected predictable performance *doesn’t* happen (i.e. their choice ends in failure) then this person’s model of the world will set them up to believe that future decisions they make will also end the same way.

If this happens, we would then say they’ve lost their self-confidence in making decisions, meaning: they distrust their own decision making abilities. This same concept can be applied to specific tasks such as speaking in public, passing a math test, or making waffles — if predictable performance says they’ve never been able to do it in the past then it’s likely they have no self-confidence in their abilities to do that thing now.

Goal Setting Ecology: Finding Balance for Everyone

Daniel Scott — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 15:26:42 +0000

One of the key elements of Achievable Goal Setting in NLP specifically focuses on the concept of ecology with regard to how your goals will effect not only yourself but those around you as well — how will your desired outcome change the life for you, your family, the people you know, your community, and the world?

Whenever I teach this part of goal setting it always reminds me of the many discussions I had years ago with my first Aikido Sensei about Zen Buddhism. The way I understood things was that, in Buddhist teachings, it’s important for a person to consider the impact of the things they do and say beyond just how it will effect them. In fact, not only do we think about what our choices will do to our life and the lives of those directly involved, but we even go to consider the long term results for everyone’s offspring — the basic idea being that whatever we do in this life our children will take on themselves in their life as either a source of strength or a burden to carry.

An example of this kind of passing on of results is the criminal behavior of stealing. When a thief is labeled as such their children will carry that branding upon their character for generations — for decades people will associate the son of a thief as being from a family of thieves and therefore must be a thief as well. That designation of possibly being a ‘thief’ will hold them back from many opportunities throughout their life, as well as their children, and their grandchildren. In a complete reversal, one kind act can benefit someone in such a way that the children and grandchildren of the person who is helped may reap the rewards for decades to come. A good example of this kind of return is the urban legend of Winston Churchill, Farmer Fleming, and the History of Penicillin — the concept being: what goes around, comes around.

With all this in mind, we can look at our present life-goals and ask ourselves:

Is this ecological for everyone involved? Does the outcome have positive effects on everyone? If not, what are the effects going to be and will they hinder you from following through in accomplishing your objectives?

In most cases we can build goals that will have the best possible outcome for everyone and so we can justify any short term suffering that may be caused by the initial changes brought about by achieving the desired goal (i.e. moving for a better job but your children have to leave all their friends behind). Where the real problems arise is when, in order to achieve your goal, other people will be negatively effected more significantly. A good example of this is small business layoffs — do you fire one person so that you can make the business profitable enough to keep the other 3 employed?

To answer this allow me to step off topic for a moment; as a parent I was once taught to control my over-protectiveness by asking myself a question before I involved myself in my child’s development (before I jumped in to stop them or do it for them) — If what they are doing is not illegal, immoral, unethical, or dangerous to the safety and well-being of themselves or anyone else, then what’s your purpose in stopping them from trying?

Using this perspective the question then becomes:

What if your goal — although, not illegal, immoral, unethical, or dangerous — is still going to leave people feeling hurt and upset? What if, in taking the necessary action to accomplish your desired outcome, you cause other people to suffer? Can it still be ecological?

Going back to the example of a small business owner considering laying off his/her employee — would that be considered ecological for everyone involved? A Zen Buddhist way of answering would be to compare the damage done to your children and their children over the long run and decide which would end up being worse. If you keep the employee and risk losing your business how will it affect everyone’s children? If you fire the employee and attempt to keep your business going, how will all the kids be effected?

Now, at this point I feel it’s important to remind you of the value of self-care — a lot of people put others’ needs before their own, even at cost to themselves and their loved ones. This isn’t always the most useful strategy and, although it helps you feel good about yourself, there are times when you must draw the proverbial line in the sand … and that line is a personal boundary which you must decide for yourself when and where it should come into play.

In the end, when you think of whether or not your objectives are “ecological for everyone” the only thing you can do is try to find a balance between taking care of your needs (and your family’s needs) and taking care of others. Since it’s not your job to take care of every other person in the world you don’t have to always put other people’s expectations before your own; however, when your hopes and dreams are in direct conflict of those closest to you … in those difficult cases when it’s truly unavoidable, it may be your only option to try and find a way to simply minimize the hurt you’re going to cause the ones you love.

Emotions are a Source of Non-Verbal Miscommunication

Daniel Scott — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 14:34:10 +0000

Your communication is over 90% non-verbal — which means that 90% of the message you send is sent at a completely unconscious level. So, when you combine this idea with the fact that the unconscious mind is where all emotions are stored and processed, it becomes possible to see just how much influence a person’s emotions can have on interpersonal communication. in the end, emotions are one of the most common causes behind non-verbal miscommunication.

In any situation it will be the strongest current emotion you are feeling that will be unconsciously incorporated into your non-verbal communication; however, this doesn’t necessarily mean that emotion will be in regard to the conversation you are currently in. In fact, in those times when your mind isn’t fully focused on the moment — when you ‘have a lot going on in your life’ or ‘got a lot on your mind’ — the emotion coming out through your non-verbal cues may be related to something completely off topic.

For example, if you’ve had a disagreement with your spouse about a private matter (such as personal finances), and you go hang out with your friends, it’s extremely likely that your facial expression, tone of voice, body posture, etc. will all incorporate parts of those feelings from the earlier argument. This is the reason behind a large number of the everyday misunderstandings between people — misunderstandings often happen because the emotion being expressed with the current message is from a different thought/experience than the one the person is currently in.

In the same sense, a message can be inaccurately perceived because of thoughts and experiences unrelated to the current interaction filtering the other person’s communication. Using the same scenario from above, it is also going to very possible that the things your friends say and do will be filtered by the emotions you’re still dealing with from the prior argument with your spouse. Thus, when your friend says something with one intended meaning, it becomes possible that you may unintentionally take their words to mean something completely different.

Now, as the person doing the communication, you can avoid a possible misunderstanding by taking time to be more fully present in the current conversation while focusing on being relaxed and open minded as much as possible. In those times when you simply find it impossible to stay mentally in the moment then you should be certain to express clearly to the person whom you’re speaking with that there are other things on your mind (competing for your attention/focus) — this will open up their awareness to the chance that the meanings of things you say and do may not be as clear as they might expect.

On the flip side, as a listener you can help avoid possible misunderstandings by taking the time to get confirmation about any non-verbal cues that may not fit with how you’re perceiving the current interaction. If someone says or does something that leaves you with an unpleasant feeling it is often useful to confirm the person’s intention behind their message — determine if they realize how you interpreted what they said to you, and give them the opportunity to clarify things when there is an unintended miscommunication.

Finding the Follow-Through in the Face of Fear

Daniel Scott — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:24:17 +0000

NLP has many different qualities that are used by coaches worldwide in helping people shift and change their behaviors and perceptions. Overall, however, the general idea anything a person will use NLP to accomplish in their life will relate to one of two overall goals;

To stop doing a behavior; or
To start doing a behavior.

Although that may seem like a simplification, the truth remains that it is the foundation of any change a person seeks utilizing the tools and techniques of NLP. Even the original intention behind the development of NLP by Bandler and Grinder was focused on the same goal — modeling a person’s behavior in order to be able to teach someone else to do the same things just as well.

Now, if you take this same line of thinking one step further it will become apparent that, in the end, the most valuable change NLP can offer people is the ability to make difficult changes in their lives — to do the things one finds hard, overwhelming, and frightening. This is one, simple, key concept that people forget when they’re looking to improve their life.

One of the basic needs all humans share is for a sense of safety with regard to their survival. In order to maintain this sense of safety and control over things they need in life to survive the average person will seek predictability in their daily routines — the proverbial “rut” the people fall into. It’s our rut in life which gives us that sense of security we all so desperately look for because if we can predict the future the belief is that we have some level of control over the outcome; however, this is also the source of a person’s resistance to change.

If a person tries to change their way of thinking or their habitual behavior it means a temporary loss over that predictability in life — they risk losing their most basic need for a sense of safety! This is the point in which NLP is most valuable — NLP can help people change their perceptions with regard to that fear of the future. NLP has the ability to give people the courage, confidence, and overall feeling of security in doing what they feel is necessary.

So, no matter what you want to do, it’s useful to use NLP to prepare yourself for the change before taking steps towards initiating any personal changes in your life — use the tools of NLP to ensure you’ll be committed to following through all the shifts and changes that need to happen within yourself in order to have the ability to do what you want.

The one risk to remember with regard to this particular gift of NLP is that it will work for ANY changes you’re trying to make — both healthy and unhealthy. Even though it may seem absurd occasionally people get an idea in their head about what they need in order to improve their lives; however, the fact is that the change they want to make can have unexpected adverse effects. This can happen because decisions made in an unhealthy mind space may not take into account all the facts, and the results can be disastrous.

A person who utilizes the power of NLP to make such changes may make things worse without expecting to — and combined with NLP’s ability to help one commit to their goal it’s extremely important to check ecology of any desired outcome. Properly trained NLP coaches know how to guide someone through the process to make sure the changes one wants are good for everyone involved.

So in the end, no matter who you are or what change you want to make, use NLP wisely — remember, to quote Spiderman’s Uncle Ben: With great power comes great responsibility.

Perceptions Are Not Always Reality – Part 2 of 2

Daniel Scott — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 13:33:14 +0000

From a non-medical point of view, the term ‘Altered Reality’ is used to describe a person’s perceptions which are being effected (usually in a negative way) by illegal drugs or alcohol — so in this sense NLP can have similar effects on a person as certain drugs because the techniques of NLP have a very direct effect on people’s perceptions. Comparatively, medicinal drugs are designed to directly affect the physiology of the human body in order to have positive effects of healing, or at least alleviate some of the problematic symptoms, which changes how the patient perceives things in life — NLP healing techniques work in a similar way, except in reverse.

Several healing models in NLP, such as the allergy cure, are designed to make shifts in a person at the psychological level that will have immediate effects on their physiology. This means the internal mental process for the physical behavior of having an allergic reaction can be changed, thereby eliminating the need for drug related therapy. (CLICK HERE for a copy of the Allergy Cure Strategy Comparison PDF I published last year)

Currently, one main limitation of these kinds of interventions being discussed in the NLP community is to what extent changing a mental strategy will alter the body’s processes. Using the psychosis of depression, if the chemical imbalance came before the perceptions then changing the behavior will not fix the chemical imbalance (it’ll only manage the person’s depression temporarily); however, if the perceptions caused the imbalance then the theory is that changing the perceptions will be enough to cure the depression.

It’s useful to keep this in mind when you are looking at using neuro linguistic programming to ‘fix’ a physical problem — remember that not every solution is going to be direct and simple enough to only require one or two NLP sessions.

Image created by Splinks on deviantArt

Perceptions Are Not Always Reality – Part 1 of 2

Daniel Scott — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 13:32:56 +0000

A key concept of the NLP communication model is that a person’s thoughts are affected by their state of mind, which in turn affects their physiology. For example, a person who keeps thinking over and over about possible failure will become anxious and this higher level of anxiety will increase their heart rate and such. The reverse is also true — a person’s physiology will affect their state which can also affect their thought processes. In the case of dysthymia a person who is often tired will become physically run down and eventually become emotionally run down too. This will in turn cause them to start thinking in a negative way.

So this brings us to the age old question, “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Although that question can be answered (BTW, it was the egg — dinosaurs laid eggs millions of years before the first chicken) some similar questions are still in dispute. In the case of mental illness caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, the question becomes: What came first, the unhealthy behavior or the chemical imbalance?

For stress related illnesses the answer to the question is said to be the behavior of ‘stressing’ came first because that’s what caused the physical illness. From an NLP stand point the behavior of stressing is related to a person’s perceptions — a situation that is stressful to one person may be mildly annoying to another. In a similar way, something that may never bother a person could become a very stressful issue in a time or place when the same person believes they have less control over events happening around them. So, using this point of view we can say that NLP looks at these types of health related concerns as originating from a problem with people’s perceptions … meaning, any change you make to the perceptions will directly alter the problem.

Secrets of Changing Behavior Workshop

Daniel Scott — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:00:22 +0000

Want to help someone stop biting their nails, stop smoking, lose weight, beat depression or overcome ADHD? With this short workshop you will learn the secrets of human behaviour; the way it’s created, how it works in the brain and what you can do to shift it.

WHEN: July 7, 2010 from 6:30p – 7:30p

WHERE: Pearkes Rec Center

For more information or to register call 250-475-5400 or visit Saanich Parks & Rec.

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Secrets of Changing Behavior Workshop

Daniel Scott — Sat, 15 May 2010 14:00:16 +0000

WHEN: June 1, 2010 from 7:00p – 8:00p

WHERE: Juan de Fuca Rec Center

For more information or to register call 250-478-8384 or visit West Shore Parks & Rec.

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There are website changes afoot!

Daniel Scott — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 23:16:48 +0000

If you’ve recently visited the Soaring Success website you’ll probably have noticed that there are new changes in the process of being made — mostly lipstick and rouge at this point, but there are plans to be updating the information around the site as well … including new e-books being released and new NLP training courses from Europe being offered!

While these upgrades are being made I humbly ask for your patience as we are getting things working — every time new developments are finalized I’ll let everyone know by posting announcements here … so keep watching for the new news and updates!

Many thanx,
Daniel

What Filters Your Perceptions: Beliefs versus Values

Daniel Scott — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 04:54:35 +0000

Thanks to George Miller’s 1956 psychology paper, “The Magical Number Seven, Plus or Minus Two: Some Limits on Our Capacity for Processing Information” we know that our brains can handle on average 7 different things at once. How does our mind choose WHICH things get those spots?

The process is referred to as “filtering” one’s perceptions and the part of our mind responsible for this is our Perceptual Filters — the unconscious awarenesses that twist and bend how our mind perceives what’s going on. The most significant thing about these filters you should be aware of is how things are filtered is different than what they are filtered by. HOW one’s perceptions are filtered comes down to generalizations, deletions and distortions. What they are filtered BY is different.

Every person has both belief filters and value filters which are created by our social environment. Value filters come from experiences that generated intensely positive or intensely negative feelings and will create filters “for” and “against” things. For example, let’s take the value of showing respect. If you got in a lot of trouble for interrupting people as a child, you will filter for that behavior, in other words, you’ll notice every time someone interrupts. In the same sense, if it happened to be treated as the most normal thing in the world, you’ll filter it out, or NOT notice when it is happening.

Belief filters come from predictable performance – this is when patterns start happening often enough that we come to believe them as always true. Let’s take one example that most people believe; most people have absolute faith that the sun will come up tomorrow, even though there is not way to know the future with absolute certainty. The reason they believe this so completely is because it’s happened so many times in the past.

Since every person has their own set of value and belief filters, we can begin to see how misunderstandings come to be. Simply accepting that someone has a different view goes a long way to calming tensions we encounter in every day life and work.