It is true that many people with social anxiety lack social experience and may not have had the opportunities to hone their social skills, but there are also many people with social anxiety who have perfectly acceptable social skills. This gives us our first reason to doubt that social inadequacy is the problem for people with social anxiety. A second reason is the fact that there are many people in the world who are very confident in themselves, but yet have atrocious social skills. Surely, if social anxiety was caused by a lack of social skills, then all people who lack social skills would experience social anxiety, and conversely, all people with social anxiety would lack social skills, but this is not what we find.

Instead, what is usually the case is most people with social anxiety believe they are socially inadequate, because of their struggles, but it is actually their anxiety that causes their struggles rather than a lack of skill. This means problems with socialising are a symptom of social anxiety rather than a cause of it. What people with social anxiety experience is usually more like hindered social ability, rather than social inadequacy. It is the way anxiety causes symptoms such as poor concentration, and also how we react to anxious feelings (i.e. avoidance) that stop us interacting with people effectively, not poor social skills. Once the anxiety is absent most people find that their natural ability to socialise shines through, or at the very least, improves greatly.

People can easily get caught up in trying to read social skills books to learn the ‘correct’ social rules that it seems everyone else seems to know, but this can mean people with social anxiety end up trying to achieve social perfection before they have had much social experience.  This is a recipe for feelings of failure and anxiety. Really, social skills need to be learnt through a trial and error process where mistakes are made and sense of what works is developed.  A well written social skills book may help to some degree, but nothing beats experience and books on social skills will not remove the anxiety.

Confidence is developed through learning that we can cope with our mistakes rather than through being socially perfect. This is a key point as many people with social anxiety are trying to achieve social perfection to gain confidence, but that is fairly unattainable as well as unstable. It only takes one mistake for it all to come crashing down, so better to be confident about your mistakes rather than your abilities.

As already mentioned, people with social anxiety really can lack social skills due to a lack of experience, and improving them can help in some ways, but doing this should not be seen as a solution to social anxiety. In fact, putting lots of effort into improving social skills with the aim to overcome social anxiety can do more harm than good. This is because however hard they try to improve socially, they still experience anxiety, which then carries on affecting their ability to socialise. Since they do not make much progress, feelings of frustration and hopelessness can set in which only feeds their sense of inadequacy further. This can then increase anxiety in social situations and make socialising even harder. It is a paradox where the thing that seems it should help, only makes the situation worse.

Make sure you are not feeding your sense of social inadequacy with social skills books and tips.

Last Saturday, 37 year old Jamie Pugh, described as possibly ‘the most nervous contestant we’ve ever had’, sang ‘Bring Him Home’ from Les Miserables, and he sang it very well! He sufferers from severe stage fight (a common form of social anxiety) and wanted to go on the show to confront his fears. He gave the distinct impression that overcoming his fear of stage fright was much more important to him than winning the contest, although I am sure he would like to win too! I am sure anyone struggling with severe social anxiety knows only too well that overcoming it would be a bigger prize than singing in front of the queen. You can see Jamie’s performance by clicking on his picture below.

Some of you might be wondering that, if he has social anxiety, then how could he do something so bold? The answer to that really is, we do not know, only Jamie knows, but there are some distinct possibilities. Firstly, while some people with social anxiety find almost all social situations painful, for others only specific situations will fill them with fear and dread. They do not necessarily feel less anxiety though, it is just that they do not feel so vulnerable in other social situations. Secondly, while some people are mostly avoidant and hardly ever enter the situations they find most anxiety provoking, others will be determined to not let social anxiety hold them back and will endure experience after experience of painful anxiety to carry on with life. It sounds likely though that Jamie has been avoidant up until this point and now his desires to fulfil his dreams, and possibly a little encouragement from family and friends, has driven him to face his worst fears.

Like many people with social anxiety, Jamie’s worst fear is that his performance will leave him in a vulnerable position. He states that he fears he will just freeze and not be able to perform, but the fear will go deeper than this. Most likely he not only fears that freezing will mean he could miss his opportunity, but more so that he will be judged negatively and ridiculed for appearing vulnerable, which is actually quite possible given the judges comments to other contestants. But respect where respect is due and despite Jamie’s nervousness on stage, his talents are recognised by both the audience and judges. In fact, it is quite likely that his vulnerability will inspire compassion and the public will not only vote for his talent, but also because they want to see his life change for the better. It will be up to Jamie now to put in the work to boost his confidence as I suspect it will take more than one performance to shift his lack of self-belief, but I hoped to be proved wrong.

He will have to work hard on giving himself encouragement, having faith in his abilities, having faith in the public to be kind and trusting himself to cope with whatever is to come. It will most likely be a fear that he cannot cope with rejection that is the even deeper root fear that lies behind his fear of being judged negatively. Social anxiety is not so much a lack of trust in other people, but more a lack of trust in ourselves to deal with the situations that go wrong for us. When he can learn to take actions that reflect the mindset of self-belief his confidence will grow and his fears will fade. As with so many people struggling with social anxiety, Jamie obviously is very harsh on himself at the moment and this is reflected in his inability to accept and enjoy praise. You can see the disbelief on his face as he tries to process the extended applause the audience and judges give. It is such contrast to what goes on inside his head and how he views himself that it is almost hard for him to bare. He cries as for this this brief moment he feels loved enough to let his guard down and be vulnerable, I just hope for his sake that he can learn to leave it down and place trust in not only himself, but also other people. Best of luck to you Jamie.

The obvious question is, since she’s never been kissed, does she have social anxiety? Given her cheeky attitude on and off stage you would think probably not, but social anxiety is complex and very individual for all experiencing it. You could blame her lack of love on something like her fuzzy hair and unplucked eyebrows, but I think that would be a shallow view to take. One also might be swayed towards thinking it was for religious reasons given her involvement in church, but the way she said it suggested a cover of sadness and regret, dismissing that it was something done through personal choice.

Although the underlying fears are very similar, there is often a lot of variation in social anxiety. Some people with social anxiety can be very socially confident in many social situations, but then terrified in others. It is not uncommon for people to be very sociable and outgoing but then crumple when attempting to become intimately involved with someone they are attracted to, or similarly, when they have to do public speaking. Some people might be more comfortable in pairs while others might like the camouflage of a large group and while most people go very quiet, some others talk endlessly in fear of uncomfortable silences.

Of course it could be that she had social anxiety but has recently overcome it enabling her to suddenly fulfil her dreams, or a reason completely unrelated to social anxiety. At the end of the day, only one person really knows the truth, and that is Susan herself. Whatever the reason, I am sure it will not be long now before she does find love, especially with a voice like hers. Let us hope they are everything she desires them to be and she fulfils all her dreams.

If you have not heard of him, Stephen is one of, if not the best selling personal development author in the world. He is very popular in the business world, although what he teaches is equally applicable to all people. The focus of his work is quite limited, but it is so profound that it does not require expansion. There is infinite wisdom to be gained from his timeless principles.

I was lucky enough to stumble across his work when I was overcoming my social anxiety and it definitely played a significant role in the changes I made back then. I started listening to his “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” audio book and found only true wisdom that challenged how I had been living my life.

What he teaches does not focus on helping people with social anxiety or even mention it at all, but it is well worth learning. Do not expect to find quick fixes or magic answers, his work  is for serious students who are willing to put in the effort to create the life they desire. As you may know by now, I am not into quick fixes as they generally do not fix anything and only delay the process of change,  so I would encourage you to become a serious student of life. I promise, the rewards are far greater than the effort invested.

I shall leave you with the blog entry I read today. It is so true and timeless, as is all of Covey’s work. I hope you recognise the wisdom in it.

Find Success by Doing the Things You Dislike

Audio Transcript

“We’re over two weeks into the New Year and I’m willing to bet that a lot of you have made a new year’s resolution to make some progress with overcoming your social anxiety. So how’s it going and what plans do you have? I really hope that it is going well for you and that you have a great plan in place that works, but I know that many of you will be struggling with knowing what path to take, so in this blog entry I wanted to offer a little direction for those who are seeking it.

Over the years I’ve spoken to a lot of people about their plans for overcoming their social anxiety and there is one type of response that crops up time and time again. It is usually along the lines of ‘I am going to go out and be more socially active’, or ‘I am going to face the situations I find difficult’, or maybe that, they are going to go out and meet more people. There is nothing wrong with these goals at all, but people nearly always do not fulfil them, because they are their only goal. Year after year thousands of people with social anxiety aim for this same type of goals without success because their goal do not include learning anything new or making any changes within themselves. Effectively they are doing that age old thing of trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Some people actually do experience different results by doing this, but unfortunately it is usually their social anxiety getting worse rather than better. The repeated perceived failures that build up as they try to go into more and more social situations while still feeling just as anxious as before add up, lowering their self-esteem and therefore leaving them feeling more vulnerable and more anxious than ever. Don’t let this happen to you, be different! Do be more socially active if that is what you want to do, but back up your plan with other changes that will help you benefit from it fully.

If your goal is to be more socially active to overcome your social anxiety then the reasoning behind it is probably that, by facing your fears you will overcome them, just as if someone with a water phobia keeps getting in the swimming pool, then they will start to learn that being in the water is not dangerous and that they can handle it. This kind of ‘facing your fears’ strategy can actually work for social anxiety, but the problem is that people are often just too scared to face the situations they find difficult, or that when they do face them, they are not facing them fully because they are still using subtle avoidance tactics. For example, if you find you get very anxious at parties, so try to address this by going to lots of parties, but still avoid talking to people, or you drink alcohol to boost your confidence or only stick to safe topics when talking to people then you are not actually facing your fears and will not benefit from the process. This is because parties are not what you’re afraid of, so being in them doesn’t make any difference. What you’re actually afraid of is probably something like opening up to people or allowing people to get to know you. Just putting yourself in the party situation is not enough and can actually make your anxiety worse because it reinforces your feelings of inadequacy when you don’t make progress.

For most people, they are going to need to do more than just facing the situations they find difficult. Most likely they will need to work on changing the way they think about themselves and other people so they can have the courage to face their fears, and also change how they behave in response to their anxious feelings and challenging situations so they are actually facing their fears fully. The changes that need to be made are not always immediately obvious, so some investigation, experimentation and learning will be required by you. I’d really encourage you to take the time to learn more about how your social anxiety works and what else you might need to do to successfully increase your social confidence other than just facing your fears. Take advantage of the growing collection of information available on social anxiety and make sure that when you face your fears you are prepared, and know what changes you need to be making. Don’t expect to get it all perfect first time. Change if often difficult at first, but if you are persistent then it can be surprising how quickly things can get better. If you keep going, keep seeking new answers and keep making changes, step by step you will achieve the social confidence you desire.”

Our loneliness and isolation can be amplified when we know others around us are socialising and having fun. We may even feel jealous or envious with a sense of unfairness about the situation, and even though we know this is unhealthy, we may find it hard to shake the feelings.

It is good to know that some of the social anxiety sufferers I know are getting together this year to celebrate the new year and I hope that many other people with social anxiety have enjoyable celebrations lined up too, but I know there will also be many on their own, or who will feel alone while in the company of others.

I have had my fair share of New Year’s Eves that I do not wish to remember. Many of them were times when I felt very alone. If you are alone this New Year’s then I understand why you may be feeling sad or even depressed. Unfortunately, I cannot take that sadness away for you, but I encourage you to use it to your advantage.

There may not be enough time to find the confidence you need to fully enjoy this New Year’s Eve, but you have a whole year to make sure that next year’s is a different story. Use your sadness to drive you to start making steps towards building your confidence. You may not know how to yet, but when we have a strong need for something and start actively searching for answers, usually we will find them. It is quite probable that they will not be the answers you were expecting, so be prepared to search beyond what seems immediately obvious. When you step into 2009, make sure you have a plan to make this year different.

Make New Year’s Eve a time for you to reflect on the last year and put in place plans to make the next year your best to date. What better time than the last day of the year to plan for a life-changing year ahead. Others may be out having fun, but while they are out doing that, you could be taking the first steps towards something great. Make the last day of the year really count.

Whether you will be planning a new life or just enjoying the moment, I wish you all the best for the new year. I hope your plans for the year ahead will be all that you hoped for and more.

Unfortunately, I do not have any photo's of myself from the time

The hairdressers is something I used to dread. In-fact, I just did not go at all. My long untidy hair earned me the nickname of ‘Happy Hippy Hanlon’. The happy part was a sarcastic comment about my generally miserable demeanour at the time. Eventually a friend I made in the last year of school gave me an exceptionally stylish 90s undercut. This probably only slightly improved the situation, but I was grateful at the time. A year or so later my sister had a go which had better results I seem to remember.

While many fear the dentist, hairdressers seems to be a more common fears for people with social anxiety. Having your mouth stretched open with a mirror stuck in it seems much more preferable than having to make polite small talk while someone holds sharp pointy things to your head. Today, I do not mind either and shall be off to my Italian friend for a slightly overdue trim later, but I know that for many, deciding whether or not to go to the hairdressers remains an uncomfortable dilemma.

I used to be so self-conscious and paranoid about how I appeared to others that I would frequently feel like people were laughing at me. Was I walking oddly? Was there something stuck on my back? Was my hair sticking up? Maybe my flies were undone? Or perhaps, did they think I just looked pain weird? I did not feel able to, for example, check if something was stuck on my back because it felt like I was playing into the joke or would just look odd checking nothing. I would end up trying to look in shop windows to check how I was appearing to others, but struggled to find a way to do it discretely. As with many people with social anxiety, my self-focus was not an act of vanity, I was trying to manage what felt like an intimidating and vulnerable situation.

Even though my appearance was not great, I now understand that there was nothing about myself that warranted other people to laugh at me and those people probably did not even notice me at all. My feelings felt very real, but as much as I tried to convince myself that they were probably laughing at something else, doubt kept in creeping into my mind. Eventually, though, I did overcome this problem. This was quite an ingrained problem and was one of the last aspects of my social anxiety to leave me.

Although not a complete solution, an important part of overcoming this paranoia is to look up at the people who are laughing. That can be hard to do as our natural response is often to be submissive and look down or away, but through looking away we starve ourselves of any information that may counter our paranoid assumptions. By looking up at the people who are laughing, we get to find out if they are really looking at us. As you might know logically, it is quite unlikely that they are, but by actually seeing for yourself you get real evidence, and that can have a powerful effect on your feelings. Of course, it may be that they really are looking in your direction and laughing (although this is rarely the case), but in this situation the exercise can still be valuable. What we see with our eyes is usually not as bad as what our imagination can create for us, so by looking up we still help ourselves.

Sometimes when we are anxious and it feels like other people do not like us, then we can react in a negative way when there is actually nothing to react to. This can sometimes cause the situations we fear happening, to actually happen. So when you look up at people who are laughing, make sure you are operating from an attitude of curiosity rather than defence. Just take a quick look and do not stare. Also, if you make eye-contact, then give a quick smile and keep going about your business. It is always best to take the approach of innocent until proven guilty. It is often more our reactions to situations that give them meaning than people’s original intentions.

Everyone’s experience in unique, so please feel free to share yours by posting a comment.