Social Anxiety to Social Confidence Blog

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Nick Hanlon — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 21:49:09 +0000

In this video I answer a questions put to me about challenging negative thoughts. There is much more to be said about changing negative thinking and I do not want to give the impression that what I say in this video is a complete solution, but hopefully it is a useful part of the puzzle. I hope it also offers a slightly different perspective to that commonly given.

To see the comments written about any of my videos just click on the video while it is playing to view it in YouTube.

Differentiating Terms

Nick Hanlon — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:54:31 +0000

In this video I briefly explain the difference between some of the terms commonly used in association with social anxiety. These include Social Anxiety, Social Phobia, Social Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Shyness and Introversion

Anxiety and Exercise

Nick Hanlon — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 11:33:29 +0000

Exercise has a number of really important benefits for someone who is experiencing anxiety or depression. In this video I talk about what those benefits are, what you need to do to gain those benefits and also what is a good approach when introducing exercise into your life. I will be thinking of you all when I am out on my runs and hoping that somewhere out there you are joining me in improving your life.

List of feared situations

Nick Hanlon — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 16:46:35 +0000

This video simply provides a list of some of the situations people with Social Phobia / social anxiety find difficult and anxiety provoking. If you suffer with social anxiety but fear a situation that’s not on the list then I would be really interested to hear about it. Please leave your comments below.

Why improving social skills isn’t the answer

Nick Hanlon — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 20:33:22 +0000

In these three videos I explain why improving your social skills is not a successful method of overcoming your social anxiety. I also explain why people with social anxiety often struggle to perform well in social situations. I have already discussed this topic in the blog entry called, Improving Social Skills, but I wanted to revisit it on video and go into a little bit more detail.

Can Social Anxiety Be Cured?

Nick Hanlon — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 15:08:24 +0000

I answer the question, “Can social anxiety really be cured?”, and discuss to what extent can social anxiety be overcome, what your realistic goal should be, how long it takes and also touch on pessimism in social anxiety.

Avoid or face social situations?

Nick Hanlon — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 13:46:19 +0000

In this video I answer the title question, “is it better to avoid or face social situations, even if exposure therapy is not working for you?” and talk about if exposure therapy is helpful, false progress and the effects of avoidance.

Being Yourself

Nick Hanlon — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 22:27:29 +0000

More videos, but this time about being yourself and social anxiety. I explore how people with social anxiety find it hard to be themselves and offer some thoughts on the subject. I talk about people pleasing, adopting others opinions, identity, intimacy, honesty and expressing your feelings.

Mind goes blank

Nick Hanlon — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 00:48:31 +0000

Probably the most common fear people with social anxiety have is that their mind will go blank and they will not be able to think of anything to say to people. This was my most serious worry when I was socially anxious and it was what much of my social anxiety revolved around.Â Of course, the more I worried about it, the more anxious I became and the more I could not think and focus on what everyone else was saying. The end result was that I could sit within a group of people for hours and barely utter a single word. There was just the great sense of anxious emptiness which became particularly prominent if someone put me on the spot and asked a question.

I am sure many of you have been there, sat in silence, feeling frustrated and inadequate because you could not get your mind to work and your mouth to move. Then, when you do actually manage to think of something to say the conversation has moved on and what you had to say would sound out of place. And, Because you have been sat their in silence for so long it seems like it would be a big deal if you spoke. So you leave early or endure the situation with worries that people think you are being anti-social, rude, boring or stupid. You then give yourself a good mental beating up and go and hibinate until you feel enough time has passed for people to forget the event.

There are two reasons why the mind going blank problem exists for many people with social anxiety. Firstly, when we get very anxious the way we think changes. Our conscious mind starts to switch off and we go into more of a reactive state rather than a reflective one. Our senses heighten, our muscles tense and we enter a total state of heightened readiness. This is very good for the quick reactions needed in fighting, dodging and escaping, but unfortunately not so greatly wonderful when it comes to conversation.

The second reason why this problem exists is to do with the very self-critical mindset that goes along with social anxiety. It is not so much that there is nothing to say, but more that nothing seems good enough to say. When we have this self-critical mindset we identify a problem with almost everything we think of and reject it before it manages to reach our lips. We think, ‘people might think it’s boring’, ‘what if it annoys them?’, ‘what if that’s something that upsets them?’, ‘it might sound stupid’, ‘what if I’m wrong?’. We hold our own conversations in our head and trial-run them before we put them out into the world, but the problem is that we always imagine the response to be one of ridicule, anger, boredom, or anything else we might fear happening. We reject every single word and sentence in fear that it will be wrong leaving us with nothing. We then proceed to criticise and reject our mental blankness, but of course we have nowhere to turn leaving us feeling frustrated and stuck.

If you struggle to find your words in social situations then I would love to hear your thoughts about it, but of course, I will understand if you cannot think of anything to say.

Social Anxiety Surface and Deep Fears

Nick Hanlon — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 03:22:19 +0000

When you have a fear like being scared of speaking in a group of people, the strength of the anxiety you feel can seem unjustifiably strong. There seems to be no apparent reason why you feel so scared but yet you feel terrified. One of the reasons for this is that we often have deeper fears in our unconscious that lie behind the surface fears that we are consciously aware of. These deeper underlying fears relate well to the strength of the emotion you feel and tie in closely with your needs but at the same time they are fairly far removed from the reality of the situation. In contrast, your surface fears are very relevant to the situation you are in but are further removed from the intensity of the emotion you feel and seem less connected with your basic human needs.

This is actually quite a cleaver system that your brain has in place. Your deep fears cause anxiety to motivate you to take action to protect the fulfilment of you basic human needs while surface fears help you work out what action would be relevant to the situation. When our fears are appropriate to a situation this system works very well to keep us safe and helps us meet our needs, but of course when our fears are inappropriate to the situation, as is often the case in social anxiety, our strong anxiety and behaviours can of course be more of a hindrance than a help.

These deeper fears that lie in your unconscious are not so buried that they are unreachable. In fact, you may be aware of many of them already. They do not have to be uncovered through dream analysis or by describing ambiguous pictures as some very traditional therapists may have you believe. A simple line of questioning and some quiet thinking time actually suffices very well and gives much more accurate results. This questioning basically asks you what would you fear happening next if the thing you are currently scared of took place. You then keep asking this question for every answer given until you get down to a final needs related fear.

For example, if you had a surface fear such as being scared of blushing you would ask yourself, ‘well, what if I do blush, what do I fear would happen then?’. Your answer might be that you fear people would notice the blushing, so your next question would be, ‘well, what if people do notice the blushing, what do I fear would happen then?’. Your answer might be that you fear that people will think you are hiding something, so your next question would be, ‘well, what if people do think I’m hiding something, what do I fear would happen then?’. Your answer might be that if people think you are hiding something then they might not trust you enough to want to spend time with you, so your next question would be, ‘well, what if they don’t trust me and don’t want to spend time with me, what do I fear would happen then?’ Your answer might be that you fear that you will not be able to make them understand that you actually are trustworthy, so your next question would be, ‘well, what if I can’t make them understand that I am trustworthy, what do I fear would happen then?’ Your answer might then be your final needs based fear; that you will end up lonely and be unable to fulfil your social needs.

As you can see, the fears string together like a chain taking you from the situation to your needs with each link connecting the next. In the example, the deeper fears, such as someone rejecting you for being untrustworthy and you not being able to fulfil your social needs, are quite far removed from the original situation but are easily related to the strong feelings of fear, shame or embarrassment that you might feel in that situation. Also, the surface fears, such as fear of blushing and people noticing that blushing , are very relevant to the situation but seem more disconnected from the emotions until you peal back the layers and are able to relate them to the deeper fears. Understanding your own versions of these ‘fear chains’ can help you understand your emotional responses better and can help you take some of the power out of your fears. As discussed in the comments below though, this is not a complete solution to social anxiety and I will include the more significant steps you need to take in my audio program when it is finished.

Below I have set out the six main links of socially anxious fear chains going from surface situational fears right down to deep needs based fears. I have also given some examples of the types of fears that go with each. These six links are not strict and you may find smaller more subtle fears that link inbetween them.

SURFACE FEARS (Related to the situation)

1. Fear of showing vulnerability
Fear of showing signs of anxiety (blushing, shaking, being unable to speak, sweating etc.). Fear of doing anything embarrassing that might put you in a bad light. Fear of making mistakes or showing inadequacy. Fear of saying or doing something that annoys people. Fear of revealing personal opinions and preferences.

2. Fear of vulnerability being noticed
Fear of being put under the spotlight. Fear of drawing attention to yourself. Fear of people watching you. Fear of people staring at you. Fear of having your inadequacies and mistakes highlighted. Fear of people noticing your anxiety symptoms. Fear of people noticing your mistakes or inadequacies. Fear of people knowing personal things about you.

3. Fear of negative evaluation
Fear of people looking down on you. Fear of people judging you. Fear of people criticising you. Fear of people thinking bad things about you. Fear of people thinking you are stupid, boring, strange, weak, useless, unpleasant, anti-social, arrogant, ugly, repulsive or lacking in personality. Fear of people disliking you. Fear of people misinterpreting your symptoms and behaviours.

4. Fear of rejection
Fear of being humiliated. Fear of people laughing at you. Fear of people telling you off. Fear of people getting angry or aggressive with you. Fear of people physically harming you. Fear of people ganging up against you. Fear of people poisoning others against you. Fear of people leaving you. Fear of people not wanting to be with you romantically. Fear of people punishing you. Fear of being disadvantaged. Fear of people taking or damaging your possessions. Fear of being asked to move out of your home.

5. Fear of being unable to counter rejection
Fear of being assertive and standing up for yourself. Fear of not being physically strong enough to defend yourself. Fear of people not listening or believing you. Fear of not being able to correct untrue information or rumours that have been spread about you. Fear of not being able to make people like you. Fear of not being able to get people to understand you. Fear of not being able regain or replace lost relationships. Fear of not being able to cope with intense and unpleasant emotions.

6. Fear of needs being unfulfilled
Fear of being alone and lonely. Fear of being unable to fulfil social needs. Fear of being homeless. Fear of being seriously harmed. Fear of never being able to fulfil sexual and physical intimacy needs. Fear of having to endure unbearable emotional pain. Fear of not being able to achieve what you want in life.

DEEP FEARS (Related to your basic human needs)

If you decide to write out your own fear chains then be sure to avoid these common pitfalls.

Giving your answer to what you fear happening as something that moves you up the chain rather down it. e.g. What do you fear happening next if people do laugh at you? – Then they might notice that I’m shaking. This moves up from link 4 to link 2 rather than down to link 5.
Giving an answer that moves down the chain but skips a link. e.g. What do you fear happening if they do notice that you are quiet? – That they won’t want to spend time with me. This jumps from link 2 to link 4 without explaining why you think being quiet would make them not want to spend time with you. The inbetween link 3 might be that you fear that they think you are boring.
Giving your answer as an emotion rather than a fear. e.g. What do you fear happening if people see you blushing? – I would get embarassed. Embarassment is an emotion rather than a fear.
Not giving yourself enough time to identify what you fear happening. Often because it is not immediately obvious what the fear is people will conclude that they do not know or that they are not scared of anything. Because as you go down the links you are connecting with deeper and more unconscious fears you need to give you mind time to look for the answers. If you keep searching and think about the question, the answer to what you are scared of will eventually come to the forefront of your mind.

As a final note, notice that these fears cause anxiety and anxiety symptoms which can be the very object of our fears creating a loop. Also, the behaviours our anxiety motivates us to perform can have negative social consequences which can also be the object of our fears.Â For example, fearing that you might make a mistake and that someone will get angry with you and harm you causes you to become very anxious meaning you are much more likely to make a mistake.Â Breaking these vicious cycles is the main goal in overcoming social anxiety.

I hope the subject of this entry is as interesting for you as it is for me. My interest keeps me developing my understanding of social anxiety and I hope that through sharing my knowledge I can help you understand and overcome it. I also hope that through developing my own theories and understanding I offer insights that you will not find elsewhere. Thanks for reading