You ought to read this post. It’s funny. I shed a tear or two when I read it. And you know what, I didn’t even write it which might come as a surprise to you since I’m usually such a laugh. But today’s post, sparkles, is written by the incredibly talented Tori Telfer. She’s starting her guest posting career here and you know what, I’m well happy to have her. 

Having millions of Twitter followers is great, but you know what’s even greater? Having zero followers. You’ll look like a misunderstood genius, standing alone on the great craggy rock of your superhuman talent. Of course, you can’t block people yourself, because then you’ll look like a sociopath. No, no, your followers must trickle away, one by one, until all that’s left on your Twitter account is you and your great mind and the infinite white noise of the World Wide Web. (#creepinghard.)

1. Constantly follow and un-follow the same people. Tweet at them as you do it: “Following you!” “Unfollowing you!” “Hi again!” “Bye for now!”
2. Link to an imaginary and inapprops website in your profile, so that you look like a spambot. Suggested sites: nakedzombies.gov, upsidedownfratcuties.me
3. Two words, 23 letters: CAPSLOCK! CAAAAPSLOOOOOCK!!
4. Ignore your real friends, but tweet at celebs like you know them. Example: “@SnoopDogg, thanks for the weed! #puffpuffpasstuesdays for life, dee oh double gee!”
5. Enact all your big life changes on Twitter. Quit your job, fight with your mom, propose to your girlfriend, start a passionate affair, and live-tweet your kid’s birth and/or soccer games.
6. Vague, passive-aggressive tweets can lose even the most popular guy a million followers. Some templates: Some people just don’t get how to treat a woman. / I’m fine. Really. / Cutting the negativity out of my life. / You know who you are. #notokay / Sometimes a person just feels certain things. / Sometimes murder is justified. / Crying. / Certain people do nonspecific things and that’s not cool.
7. Constantly alert your friends to Groupon deals in cities that they don’t live in.
8. One-up everyone. Did they just travel to Paris? You just got back from a teaching stint at the Sorbonne. Did they just get engaged? You just had a steamy one-night stand with a rugby player. Are they preggo? #CarrieAndBigNeverHadKids!!!
9. Interpret trending topics super literally.
   1. I was young. #BackWhenIWasAKid
   2. That’s inappropriate, since they’re mostly underage. #beliebersaresexy
   3. Your Verizon bill is ready for viewing. #TextMsgsThatMakeYouMad
   4. It’s a novel! #JKRowlingNewBook
10. Make sure everything you tweet sounds like it’s being said in a low, quiet voice from somewhere beneath the bed.

I’m a numbers person. Numbers don’t lie. They tell you the truth and we don’t have to question them (that is if they aren’t skewed). And yet, all of us communicate with words. Sometimes I wish we didn’t because, quite frankly, life would be easier if we communicated in numbers. No lies. No questioning. No mind games. Simplicity would be at the heart of our lives. At the end of the day, however, that is a wishing game.

Words accompany us at any given time and while most of us have the best of intentions when we use them, we often forget the real power of them. The power of the carefully chosen word, the painstakingly sculpted phrase, the meticulously constructed paragraph. The force of a comma and a full stop. And not to forget, the tone that accompanies them.

Words are the most powerful tool in our daily lives. They have the power to put a smile or a tear on someones face. Sometimes they even have the power to hit so deep that the recipient’s world is rattled and left in shatters. Or, in a more positive case, fill you with so much happiness that you might burst.

As a blogger, it’s easy to edit what you have just written. You hit delete and it’s all gone. Like it never happened. But the spoken word, oh my, the spoken word, is a whole different story. I’m no stranger to talking before thinking. I’m also no stranger to regretting what I just said or the way I just used certain words. Believe me, I’d probably hit delete more times than not. Undo. Rephrase.

It’s a funny thing, those words. Look around and listen. The amount of emotions you will witness in a single day, purely by listening to what is being said around you, will blow your mind.

So, I am asking you, when was the last time you wish you could hit delete and get a do-over? When was the last time you stopped and thought carefully before you blabbered? And when was the last time you actually stopped and witnessed the power of your words?

“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.” – Buddha

Picture by Calamity Meg

It’s been one hell of a year. Ups and downs mark my first year as an expat. It’s not been glorious but it has been important for me to make this change. At the end of last year, I wrote about my ambitions for this year. They were simple. All I wanted to do was embrace life. And embrace life, I did. While change, inevitably entails all sorts of emotions, I learned that in order to become whole again, I need to stop being self destructive. I also realised, that I’m not alone in my self destructiveness. All of us do it, most of us do it daily.

We tell us we are not good enough, not beautiful enough, not smart enough, let the wrong people in our lives, hold onto memories we shouldn’t and all of those things keep us from enjoying life. It took me a while to accept that part of me is stuck in the past because of myself and I will be sharing a few things that I needed/need to stop doing in order to move on and maybe you’ll find yourself in some of those things, if not all of them. But I also realised the following:

“I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.” ― Douglas Pagels

None of us are perfect but all of us are more than most other people see in us. More importantly, we are so much more than many of us see in ourselves. So here goes my list of things I (we) need(ed) to start doing and/or realise: (Holy moly, I confused myself with this sentence structure!)

Take care of #1

Loving others comes easy. It’s natural but learning to love yourself takes time and is more difficult. Too often we lose ourselves in the process of taking care of others but we have to realise that in order to be there for others, we need to be selfish and take care of ourselves first. Pamper yourself once in a while. Tell yourself you are deserving of the good things in your life. Let others take care of you every now and again, it won’t make you less of a person. If anything, it will make you a more complete one.

Happiness is up to us

For a very long time I looked for happiness in the completely wrong places, didn’t find it and blamed everyone but myself. I’m starting to realise that I need to let myself be happy, find happiness within me and then find and accept the happiness that others bring into my life.

Fall in love for the right reasons

Loneliness is everyone’s worst nightmare but falling in love (or pretending that you are in love) because you feel lonely, is wrong. It won’t make you happy in the long-run. If anything, it will end ugly. There’s no rush when it comes to love. You’ll find the person that completes you at the right time, in the right place and for the right reasons.

Stop thinking too much

This is rich coming from me because I’m the worst example when it comes to over-thinking things. I spin things out of proportion to the point that I get paranoid of what could be. It’s something I’m working on every day and sadly also something I haven’t mastered yet. But I’m trying. Let’s try together, shall we?

Be yourself, not someone else

If you are anything like me, you pretty much live in a bubble of self doubt. Others are prettier, smarter, wealthier, fitter, etc. But I came to realise that none of these people are me. I stopped pretending to be something or someone I’m not. The people who matter will like me anyway and the ones who would like me to be something else, are simply not worth my time.

Let go

Sometimes, the simplest things are the hardest. Letting go is so easily said but when it comes down to it, it’s one of the hardest things to do. We hold onto past romances, mistakes and memories but forget that holding on too tightly does us no good. We don’t live in the past, we live in the present. The past shaped us and made us the person we are today and for that we should be grateful. But that’s also where it should end. Treasure the memories, learn from the mistakes and be thankful for your past romances but don’t keep wishing to be back in the past because it stops us from living in the present. (Profound, right?)

Take the plunge

It’s so easy to chill out in our comfort zones but what good does it really do us? We are comfortable, sure, but do we try new things, meet new people, explore and discover? The answer to that is NO. I have ventured out of my comfort zone several times this year and while terrifying at the time, it’s well worth it because I experienced things that I never otherwise would have. Take the plunge sometimes. The results may surprise you.

Stop explaining yourself

Why do we waste so much time explaining why we do what we do to others? It feels right for us so why does it require explaining? This is a tough one but as someone once rightly said: your friends won’t need an explanation and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. (I don’t actually know who said that but I’m sure someone did.)

Picture by mae.noelle

Disclaimer: I’m about to *totally* pimp a book. 

I used to be a book worm. I read and read and read. Bringing characters to life in my head, envisioning the story an author is telling or even imagining them outside of the story I was reading, seemed to be some sort of refuge. For a while however, I had lost my love for books. I’m not sure why but what I once loved turned into effort.

It’s been a while since I picked up a book and this time round it isn’t a novel. It’s not fiction. It’s real. As real as it gets. It’s Sally Brampton’s book “Shoot the damn dog”. Until Sunday I had never heard of it. No-one had told me about it. I stumbled upon it on Amazon. It’s no secret that I was/am affected by depression and that’s what the book is all about. It’s a memoir of depression. Sadly, it’s so real that you wish it wasn’t and yet it’s probably one of the best books I have ever read. Sally manages to make an illness that is described by many as the illness of loneliness, less lonely. It’s sad, touching and funny at the same time. This woman does know how to write, trust me.

Now, if you’ve never been affected by depression yourself or don’t know anyone who has (is that even possible these days?) this book probably isn’t for you and you can stop reading right now. I do know, however, that many people in this community have been affected by this illness, whether personally or through a friend or family member. This book is for all of you. It will help you understand yourself or your loved one(s) so much better. It will give you insight into an illness that we prefer not to talk about because yes, it’s uncomfortable and, excuse the pun, depressing. It’s not a guide on what to say to a depressive nor is it a guide on how to behave around one. It’s simply her reality, put onto paper, combined with facts about the illness. It’s not boring I promise but it’s also not a light read. But then again, the illness is not to be taken lightly either and the time you invest in this book will be well worth it. I promise you.

You can buy the book here. You can find a more in-depth review here. You can find Sally’s blog here.

Disclaimer: Profanity ahead!

People keep asking me, do you enjoy going to the gym? Seriously people? Who ENJOYS going to the gym? I don’t see many people with smiles on their faces. Practically none. Unless they are trainers and find pleasure in causing other people pain. I certainly don’t stand in front of the big fat gym mirror, lift weights and smile at myself thinking, woman, you are awesome. Instead I’m thinking something along the lines of ‘holy shit this is going to kill me.’ I’m starting to believe that all those people featured in fitness magazines and on fitness websites are a big fat lie. It’s by far not as enjoyable as they make it out to be. I mean WTF is this all about??

Convincing myself that I can actually run for an hour or lift a certain weight is bloody difficult. It’s like a full blown bitch fest is taking place in my head.  Run, Antonia, Run. No, Antonia stop running. Sport’s not good for you. Antooooonia run! Smile, Antonia, smile. No, Antonia be grumpy. You get the picture. My inner lazy douche canoe is fighting my inner fitness obsessed me.

Anyway, in related news, I have battled through four months of rather intense workouts and now I signed up for my first *ever* race on March 4th, 2012. Yeah I know, it’s only 10k but you don’t even know how far that’s taking me outside my comfort zone. In fact, I have lost sight of my comfort zone. It’s gone into hiding somewhere. Deep in the woods me thinks so I will never find it again. EVER.

How am I going to run 10k with a bitchfest happening in my head? I tell you how. I will run the minute I’m in. One minute at a time. Step by step. I will make it through. Alive.

Believe it or not, working out my body has taught me something about life. It’s not about yesterday or tomorrow. It’s all about the now. The moment we are living right now. Sometimes life is enjoyable and sometimes it throws us the biggest curve balls and the best way to handle the crap in our lives is to focus on the minute we are in. That’s the only way we are going to come out on the other side smiling.

Yesterday, my dad, brother and I sat in a perfectly nice Italian restaurant. We got a table next to the window and while we were enjoying a jolly good time, my eyes started to wander and through the passing crowd I saw something I see ever so often. A homeless man, sitting on the floor with a coffee cup in front of him. No sign was propped up in front of him, he didn’t say anything either. There was no sob story. He just sat there. His dog was laying on his legs, sleeping. All the man did was stroke him. Over and over, at the same pace.

A strange calm surrounded this man. He was surrounded by hundreds of people and yet, it was like he and his trusted companion lived in their own little world. It seemed like it didn’t matter that they were homeless, that they silently asked strangers for money or that the only thing keeping said man warm, was his best friend.

I was transfixed by them. My brother told me to stop staring but I wasn’t staring. I was trying to figure out how someone who lives on the streets can seem so content. I’m not saying he was but he seemed to be. He seemed to have everything he needed right there in front of him. The story unfolding itself in front of me was both heart-wrenching and heart-warming. It was a picture of sadness and happiness. It was the story of broken dreams and most likely an unexpected life. And yet, I have never seen anyone so peaceful. Accepting of what life threw at him and happy of the things he still had.

Maybe, everything I witnessed is just a picture of my imagination. Maybe it’s just me hoping that this man finds a little bit of happiness each day. Or maybe, it’s just something I needed to see to be reminded of all the wonderful things in my life.

In the last year I changed my life. I moved to a different country. I moved house twice. I started a new job. I started to work out excessively. When people ask me why this time is different when it comes to going to the gym, I say that it allows me to de-stress. It allows me to think about yesterday, today and tomorrow. And while all of that is true, the real truth is something entirely different. Deep down I’m hoping that all of this exercise will allow me to stop hating an every day object. The mirror.

It’s difficult to describe how I feel about mirrors. Let’s just say I DO NOT LIKE THEM. And yet, I know deep down it’s not the mirror I don’t like. It’s the reflection I see when I look into one. It’s a reflection I don’t appreciate. Not that there’s anything massively wrong with me. People say I’m pretty. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m intriguing (apparently). But my mind.. the evil little thing is telling me different. And mirrors reflect our appearance. It’s their job and yet I’d love for nothing more than for them not to exist.

I don’t see what people tell me. I’d love to believe it. I’d love to see it when I take a glance in the mirror. But I simply don’t. And what do you do when that’s the case? You change it. You work on yourself. Hard. You push yourself beyond your limits. What started as something I hated doing has turned into an obsession. The gym. If I don’t hurt it means I’ve been lazy. And I’m done being lazy. I want to see the pretty, beautiful, smart, intriguing me that everyone else seems to see.

Three months after my first gym session, the pounds have dropped, muscles start to appear and the mirror is still telling me the same thing. The scales and my clothes tell me one thing. I’m becoming a smaller version of myself. A more beautiful version. But is this true?

As I’m sitting here, typing this, I realise it’s not. It’s far from true. My mind is still telling me the same things. It’s not enough. You need to work harder. You need to push yourself more. My mind still makes me pick up the usual dress sizes in store even though my body has shrunk which only hits home once I try on the clothes.

The reflection in the mirror is still telling me that I’m the opposite of everything people tell me I am and it seems as though I’m fighting a losing battle. I don’t know how this ‘loving yourself’ thing works. At the end of the day, we need to feel comfortable within our bodies, which I’m starting to do but I’m not one step closer to loving myself. I was hoping the gym would do that for me. Teach me to love physical pain, sweat and ultimately myself.

Reality is, no matter how hard I work on changing myself, my mind needs to catch up with my body. I’m progressing, moving forward, changing and I’m done letting my mind hold me back.

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.” – Author Unknown

• Thank you.
• I’m sorry.
• I love you.
• I miss you.
• I’m sad and happy at the same time and I’m trying to figure out how that can be.
• No. – Instead I say maybe.
• Yes. – Instead I say maybe.
• It’s ok to be me.
• You are great.
• You are pretty.
• You piss me off.
• Leave me alone.
• I don’t forgive you.
• I deserve to be happy.
• You hurt me.
• I’m lost in trying to find myself.

Yesterday, we received the devastating news that Trey Pennington took his own life. Tormented by personal troubles it was his only way out. I hardly knew Trey and sadly I will never meet him but the news of his death shocked and saddened me. To me, however real death in itself becomes, it makes no sense. How can someone just leave the living like this? How can someone be there one moment and vanish the next?

I have contemplated whether to write this post as I’m not sure it’s my place to tell a story on the back of Trey’s death or if this blog is the right place for it. But the post isn’t about me. It’s about the disease that took Trey’s life. Depression. We don’t talk about it much in public because we don’t know how to handle it. In fact, we don’t even understand it fully if we have been (or are there) ourselves. Chemicals in our brains cause havoc. Chemicals! Something considered so insignificant by most can turn our life upside down. We are overcome by sadness, simple tasks like doing our laundry become humongous and life doesn’t seem worth living.

How do I know this? Because I have been there. I have struggled through the worst year of my life trying to hold it all together and came out on the other side. Luckily. I sought help and received it. And even though no-one could help me, it was comforting to know that they cared. Not always. Not even often but there were days on which I was grateful. And those days make all the other days worth fighting for.

Trey’s death is shocking, saddening and heartbreaking but it also indicates that it’s time for a change. Depression doesn’t mean we are crazy and belong in a straight jacket. It means we need help. And if saying out loud that I understand what it feels like (to a certain extent) and the knowledge that I came out on the other side helps one person, then yes, I will say it out loud. I suffer from depression. So do millions of people and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s natural to feel awkward when you hear it because how do you relate to something you know nothing about? But it’s not so much about relating. It’s about saying nothing and just hugging your friend. It’s about showing that you care without saying much. It’s about treating you without pity. That is more powerful than anything.

People suffering from the disease need to help themselves. That’s easier said than done but sadly, it’s the truth. It would be so so much easier if someone else could deal with the crap and brighten up yoru day in these situations. That’s not possible. But it is possible to share our stories. I know, that I felt alone with all of it. I didn’t know of others who suffered. I wish I did. And that’s why I would like to do two things.

If you suffer from depression, or know someone who does, reach out to get help! You can do this here.

The second thing I’d like to do is open up the comment section to you. To say whatever you want. To ask me questions. To post opinions. To ask the community questions. It’s  your place to talk.

Flickr credit to marcooooo.

I’m glued to the TV. I’m watching London burn. Footage of blazing cars, street battles, police and looters dominate the news. People get hurt, die and are losing their homes and businesses. Three consecutive nights of rioting in London and fear is starting to spread across the city. The streets are filled with police and the noise of helicopters and sirens have become a steady background noise. Politicians have moved on from stern statements about criminality and are now begging parents and youngsters to go home. How the hell did this happen? What has become of our society?

It’s no longer about wanting answers as to why a young man was shot by the police last week but rather a display of pure anger. All of us are trying to understand the riots but none of us really do. Feelings of fear, compassion for the victims, anger and hope that all of this will soon end, are filling the streets. And yet, we all know that angry people with no prospects aren’t easily stopped. Over the last few days, London, one of the greatest cities in the world, is ripping itself apart.

As I’m writing, I’m watching the news and the evening is approaching. No-one knows what the night will bring but the police is bracing themselves for more violence. Let’s hope no-one else will get hurt, lose their home, business or even life. Now is the time to work together. Follow the #londonriots and #riotcleanup hashtags on Twitter. And don’t forget to take care of one another.