Social Networking Rehab

Acupuncturist Takes Pinterest Too Far

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 17:02:00 +0000

(Pittsburgh, Pinsylvania) February 20, 2012. A 47 year-old Pinsylvania man has been arrested for aggravated assault after pinning 134 photographs to the body of an unsuspecting, but very patient, patient of the Always Accurate Acupuncture Center. The suspect, Ivan Toopoke, is a licensed acupuncturist known for pointedly practicing his profession with piercing perfection prior to this point. This is the first time he has been stuck with charges of needling a customer the wrong way.

The patient, who's name has been withheld thanks to the privacy settings on her Facebook account, is a regular customer of the AAAC. She dozed off during what was to be a routine session of stress relief sticking, only to awaken on pins and needles. According to one witness, an apprentice acupuncturist, "I walked into the exam room with a cushion full of freshly sterililized needles, and there she was, covered head to toe with pictures of kitchen appliances, shoes, pasta dishes and Ikea Furniture, pinned to her as if she was a human pin-board. It was shocking."

The witness's reference to human pin-board was on point, as it turns out. Investigators who confiscated Mr. Toopoke's office computer found evidence of an obsession with the popular on-line pin-board, Pinterest. Toopoke had set up more than 750 "boards" and had personally pinned or repinned more than 150,000 images since signing up for the sticky social network six days ago. According to Detective Dick Richardson, "it appears that Mr. Toopoke was addicted to this Pinterest thing to the point where he could no longer distinguish between digital pins and real pins. In his mind, his brutally abusive acupuncturing of this patient was merely a means of sharing the things he loves."

When asked about the source of the 134 images pinned to the victim, Detective Richardson noted that CSI's involved in the case had photographed for evidence a large refrigerator in the Acupuncture Office that was suspiciously devoid of any cut out pictures on it, despite the presence of a large number of small magnets. The acupuncturist Toopoke may face jail time as well as revocation of both his acupuncturist license and his Pinterest account. He has been sent to the prominent Social Networking Rehab facility, INVITATIONS, for observation. The victim is expected to fully recover, and has asked if she could keep several of the photos of shoes and furniture for future reference.

A spokesperson for Pinterest was not available for comment on the incident.

Photo Credit: © Eric Isselée - Fotolia.com

Social Media Addiction Update: Google + and MySpace Minus

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 01:34:00 +0000

Most businesses rely on supply and demand, and the Social Networking Rehab business is no different. Fortunately, with the continued growth of Twitter, Facebook and other social networks, there has been no shortage of needy patients to fill the beds at INVITATIONS, the nation's premiere social networking recovery facility. For the past four years we have helped countless geeks and early adopters beat their need to tweet and revoke their desire to poke. Our highly trained staff has mastered the 140 steps needed for rehabilitation from the scourge of Social Networking addiction. However, we are presently faced with a new challenge putting stress on the status update... There's a new drug in town, and it's being spread by an all-powerful dealer who already has its runners and gang members on the digital corners of everyone's neighborhood. The new addiction is to something bigger than even the behemoth Google. The new addiction is Google +.

Pluses and Minuses

Google + is already running circles around the other addictive social networks. Formerly reformed Social Networking addicts such as Robert Scoble and Chris Brogan have already been spotted spending hours huddling and hanging out in the digital alleyways of Google +. The seductive allure of G+ invitations via Gmail have lured countless others to throw caution to the wind and take a toke of the "G", just to "see what it's like..." Some are inhaling more than others. Some have already succumbed wholeheartedly to the perils of Google + and have been found wandering aimlessly through the Interwebs, leaving a sloppy trail of +1's in their self-destructive path. Interventions are already leading to applications for a stint of Social Networking Rehab. Beds at INVITATIONS are in high demand.

Making Space

Fortunately, we have good news for early adopters needing a little less "+." Due to a steady decline in patients suffering from MySpace addiction, the staff at INVITATIONS has decided to permanently close the MySpace wing and re-open it with a new program fully dedicated to serving patients whose over-dependence on Google + has become a minus in other aspects of their professional and personal lives. The opening of the Google + treatment program at INVITATIONS is already making waves in rehab circles and causing quite a buzz. If you, or someone you care about, is in denial about a Google + dependency, help is now just an INVITATION away.

May We Have The Twitter Addiction Envelope Please: And the Weiner Is...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 21:57:00 +0000

As evidenced by the oft re-tweeted member of New York's own member of Congress, @RepWeiner, there is no question that Twitter Addiction is on the rise (as was said member). Try as we might, we can no longer remain flaccid whilst the Twitterverse stands aroused by this latest battle of the (Congressman's) bulge. As Congressman's Weiner proves beyond a shadow of a doubt, Twitter Addiction is hard.

An Award From The Ward

With all the media atwitter with the sordid deets of Representative Weiner's Tweets, the size and scope of the matter was not lost on the staff at INVITATIONS. When the highly trained doctors and therapists here gathered in the West Wing of the Scoble Ward to discuss nominations for the guest of honor keynote at this year's annual Intervention Convention, there was only one unanimous choice: Anthony Weiner. Who better to be invited to speak to a crowd of loyal followers only to find themselves the object of a massive intervention? If that won't spank the monkey on the Congressman's back, nothing will.

Case Clothed

While we hope that Congressman Weiner will take our INVITATIONS intervention invitation to heart, understanding that he may still be in the denial stages of his disease, the staff at INVITATIONS has compiled a few steps from the "140 Steps To Cure Twitter Addiction" that may be helpful to the Congressman as he softly embarks on a road to recovery:

Step 1 - Do NOT touch a computer or mobile phone unless fully clothed.
Step 2 - Do NOT Tweet with one hand.... ever!
Step 3 - Do NOT send out a Tweet that you would not happily recite to your wife and/or Nancy Pelosi.

These are just a few small steps that may help prevent any Twitter boners in the future...

What additional steps would you recommend for the Congressman?

(Editor's Note: Trying to fight my addiction, as an INVITATIONS outpatient I have resisted the urge to post here since the end of last year, but alas, it is too out of character for me to resist the appeal of 140 characters. More importantly, on behalf of the staff here at INVITATIONS I am compelled to think of the greater good and once again promote our services as the nation's first, and leading Social Networking Addiction Recovery facility. In other words, "I'm Baaaack!")

Photo Credit: Kerioak - Fotolia.com

Top 10 Reasons I Am STILL Addicted To Twitter (and Social Networking)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 23:54:00 +0000

Hello, my name is Jeff and lo and behold, I am still an addict...

It has been a while since I've written here. Mostly because I thought I was cured. I thought I had kicked the habit. I thought I was safely on the wagon. I thought my character had advanced beyond the need for 140 characters. I thought my status had been elevated above the need to constantly update my status. I thought I could wait for the DVD to see THE SOCIAL NETWORK. I thought I was strong enough to resist temptation, to turn down the inviting lure of the Twittersphere... to face-off against Facebook... but alas, I was wrong.

As the decade of social networking decadence winds down, I find myself back in need of a visit to Social Networking Rehab. To prepare myself for a fresh start in 2011, I am in need of another visit to INVITATIONS, the nation's premiere Social Networking Recovery Facility... I came to understand my need for an intervention as I reflected upon the year past and discovered, much to my own chagrin...

THE TOP 10 REASONS I AM STILL ADDICTED TO TWITTER (and SOCIAL NETWORKING)

10. When booking a hotel room recently, I asked if the HOOTSUITE was available.

9. Every-time I hear that there has been an earthquake somewhere in the world I wonder how strong it was on the SEESMIC scale (and I am in awe that @Loic has time to study Geology and run LeWeb...)

8. When filling out a loan application and they asked for "NET WORTH" I entered my KLOUT score.

7. I have 50 Apps on my Android phone, and 25 of them are TWITTER CLIENTS.

6. When I order potatoes at a restaurant I insist that they must be MASHABLE.

5. I have come to believe that my middle initial is "@" (Jeff @Sass)

4. I have seen the FAIL WHALE more times than there are pages in MOBY DICK.

3. When I want to know where my kids are and what they are doing, I go to their FACEBOOK pages first.

2. I look for a "LIKE" button on items on the shelves at brick and mortar stores.

And the #1 Reason I am still addicted to Twitter and Social Networking...

1. I can't stop refreshing TWITTER to see how many times this post has been re-tweeted!

How about you? Are you STILL addicted to Twitter and Social Networking???

Photo Credit: © Vladir09 - Fotolia.com, © fizzgig - Fotolia.com

A Twitter Addict Takes The First Step...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 31 May 2010 17:10:00 +0000

I'm Jeff an I'm an addict. My drug of choice? Real-time data and the devices I use to suck in constant digital streams of data like so many virtual intravenous drips in the digital tubes that feed my my need. Since I am an addict I behave like one, and thus I have let you down, you, my cohorts in Crime, my fellow social networking junkies... past, present and future patients of INVITATIONS.

How have I let you down? First off, I have been neglecting this blog, selfishly feeding my own addictions, checking out of here while checking in to Foursquare and Gowalla. Tweeting and re-tweeting instead of sharing with you here. In December I invited you to contribute to a collection of 140 steps to cure your Social Media addiction, and many of you indeed did step up and share your tips for tackling Twitter. Here are a few of your suggestions:

@mhillaert: I do have an addiction... and when I need to take a break, I have my friend hide my phone somewhere I will not be able to find it. That's the only way I can say good-bye for any significant period of time :)

@metzgerbusiness: Get a wife who calls you a dork and annoying for posting too often. Then do as I do - smile at her and post a comment about your wife thinking you're annoying for posting too many comments.

@stevegarfield: Travel somewhere with limited connectivity so you can realize that you don't need to be connected all the time. In Ireland you can go to a pub, enjoy a nice cold Guinness, and not check in on foursquare. You don't have to take a photo of the beer, and upload the photo to flickr, twitter and Yelp! You'll live without social media.

@alohalavina: No pockets to carry a phone when at the beach and no ringing allowed at the golf course. I have a great tan as a result.

These are all great ways to combat Social Media and Twitter addiction one Tweet at a time, but they are a long way from 140 Steps...

Please continue to add your steps to this post and as soon as I reach 140 Steps I will publish the ebook! (Promise!) The fate of the Twitterverse is in your hands! Together we can make a difference (or at least Tweet about it!)

Photo Credit: © fizzgig - Fotolia.com

140 Small Steps For Man (And A Giant Leap For Social Networking Rehab)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:34:00 +0000

As announced here, early in 2010 we will be publishing an eBook of "140 Steps To Cure Your Twitter (and Social Networking) Addiction" and we are looking for YOU to help us compile the 140 best steps toward recovery. So please, look in the mirror, admit you have a problem, and then SHARE your suggested road to rehabilitation in the comments below, or in the comments at this post.

The staff at INVITATIONS started collecting steps for the book at a recent Miami Tweetup and we present a few of your suggestions in this Public Service Announcement:

Thanks to Jeff Pulver, Chris Heuer, Kristie Wells, Yvette Ferry, Alex DeCarvalho, Maria De Los Angeles, and everyone else who was willing to raise their hand and face their addiction head on...

To be continued...

140 Steps To Cure Your Social Networking Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 00:11:00 +0000

12 steps are clearly not enough to address the ravages of Social Networking Addiction. With mobile phones placing Twitter and Facebook in our pockets, and everyone we ever associated with from grade school to grad school now friending and tweeting us 24/7 with all things arcane, mundane and inane, it is virtually impossible to escape the allure of the drug we call "Social Networking." 12 Steps - the traditional guiding principles outlining a course of action for recovery - may work for substance abuse, but they can't hold a ceremonial candle to the substantial abuse that is Social Networking addiction.

YOUR INVITATION FOR HELP

For several years now the staff at INVITATIONS, the Nation's Premiere Social Networking Recovery facility, have recognized that the original 12 steps were challenged when it comes to Social Media. For example, Step 8, "Make a list of all the persons we harmed with our addiction..." was great until Twitter added the new LISTS feature. Once our patients started using Twitter Lists to create lists of the folks their addiction affected "Step 8" lost some of its healing luster. As if that wasn't enough of a challenge, patients who thought @Scobleizer was their higher power were devastated when he went and unfollow ed everyone, cutting the cult of Scoble off at the knees. We may be able to admit we are powerless over Social Networking and that our lives have become unmanageable, but we need more than 12 steps to lead us to the light. We need 140 steps to cure Social Networking Addiction, and we need your help to develop them.

STEP UP AND ADD A STEP!

Who better to develop a 140 step program than the folks who will benefit the most from it. Who better to define the cure than those suffering from the disease. Who better to help me come up with 140 clever and witty steps to a clean, social networking free existence than those whose very existence is dominated by social media. That's right, YOU!

If you are in need of Social Networking Rehab, you can join in and help us create the definitive 140 Step Program. Please add your suggested step in the comments. Between now and the end of the year we will be collecting, reviewing and testing your steps on the patients at INVITATIONS. Then, in January 2010, we will ring in the New Year by publishing an eBook detailing "140 Steps To Cure Your Social Networking Addiction" with the best of your submissions.

What steps are you taking to cure your Social Networking habit??? Please share them in the comments and you will have the chance to be included in the eBook next year! If you have friends who are addicted (and you know you do) please share this and ask them to contribute their "Steps" too!

UPDATE: We have released a new PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT video, with some steps recommended by some of you at a recent Miami TweetUp.

Photo Credit: © chinti - Fotolia.com

Feed Your Addiction With A Phoney Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 01:32:00 +0000

Virtually all of the Twitter Addicts we treat here at INVITATIONS have a mobile phone and use their phones to check in with Twitter. Ideally, we would like to therefore confiscate their phones upon arrival, however for various insurance and liability reasons we are not able to leave our visitors disconnected from their world outside of the INVITATIONS Social Networking Rehab facility. Fortunately, many of our "customers" have iPhones and thanks to AT&T their ability to get a decent network connection is sufficiently borked to limit their on-site tweeting while in recovery. For the non-iPhone patients, we have put strict limitations on their mobile phone use.

THE "DM" METHOD

In an effort to ease the pain of being weaned from Twitter, and preventing the sometimes serious side effects of twithdrawal, our own Dr. Dierichter Meisinger (known among the patients as "DM") has postulated that personalizing one's phone with Twitter related ringtones and wallpaper images can serve as sublimation for actually using Twitter on their phones. To prove his theory, Dr. Meisinger has assembled a collection of Twitter ringtones and wallpapers that we regularly use here at INVITATIONS. Patients following the DM method hear a Twitter song every time their phone rings, feeding their "need for Tweed" and reducing their desire to shirk all other worldly responsibilities in favor of their 140 character communications. It is still early in the study, but initial results seem promising.

YOU CAN PLAY ALONG AT HOME

As a courtesy and public service, we are making these twitterized mobile phone goodies available to you here, so that you can begin treating your own addictions by using the DM Method at home. Please use with care.

(Note: The ringtones and wallpapers below are made available via Myxer, where I work when I am not acting as proprietor of INVITATIONS. Click "Preview" to hear any of the ringtones.)

The 7 Phases Of Twitter: A Chronology

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 01:47:00 +0000

If you are reading this, there is a good chance you, too, are addicted to Twitter. Why else would you be visiting something called Social Networking Rehab? If you came here because of a link in a Tweet, or a Facebook Status message you are even more deserving of a 28 day stay at INVITATIONS, the Nation's Premiere Social Networking Rehab Facility. You may want to take a moment to fill out an application.

TWITTER: A VICIOUS CYCLE

While for some of you Twitter may be your latest vice, many of the Twitterholics who have visited INVITATIONS have been around since the beginning and have been good Twittizens for several years. Over time it seems that our addiction takes us through a cycle of Twitter usage that represents the full circle of 140 character fixes. The therapists here at INVITATIONS have coined this cycle "The 7 Phases of Twitter" and herewith is a brief timeline of the 7 steps that may lead to your need for 12 steps!

THE 7 PHASES OF TWITTER:

Phase One: "What Are You Doing?
Your earliest Tweets, wherein we attempt to turn plain into pithy...

Example Tweet: "I am eating tuna fish on rye."

Phase Two: "The Announcement"
In this stage we realize that Twitter can be used to broadcast our other inane activities...

Example Tweet: "Hey, read my blog, will ya? www.mystupidblog.blogspot.com/readitwillya"

Phase Three: "The Conversation"
When other folks start replying to our inanities, we move to this stage and start @replying, boring the rest of the Twittersphere with the ability to follow only one half of a conversation...

Example Tweet: "@soandso Lol. Yeah, I agree! ;-)"

Phase Four: "The Missing Link"
WOW. Just because we are limited to 140 characters doesn't mean we can't link EVERYWHERE! Thanks TinyUrl, Bit.ly, etc...

Example Tweet: "Cool Site with cool stuff! http://tinyurl.com/fbrehab"

Phase Five: "Smokin' Hashtags"
As if sharing links weren't enough to make Twitter de.licio.us, we soon realize we can one-up URL shorteners and add searchable #hastags to our tweets!

Example Tweet: "Cool. I am going fishing today. #fishing #iloveboats #waterboundhookers"

Phase 6: "The Re-Tweet"
Why rely on our own cleverness when we are a click away from using someone else's wit for our own Twit!

Example Tweet: "RT @sass The 7 Phases of Twitter! (Awesome,, but why am I re-tweeting myself?)"

Phase 7: "What are you doing?"
And of course, after experimenting with broadcasting, conversating, sharing links, hashing things out, and spreading the word of others, we come back full circle to the simplicity of where it all started...

Example Tweet: "Wondering if I should Tweet that I am eating tuna fish on rye..."

Which phase are you in? Are there additional phases that should be added to the cycle?

Photo Credit: © Milos Willing - Fotolia.com

Doctors Announce First Successful Human FACEBOOK Transplant

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 25 May 2009 16:14:00 +0000

(Palo Alto, California) May 25, 2009. A team of doctors and surgeons from the nation's leading medical institutions have joined forces to perform the world's first human Facebook transplant, it was announced today by Dr. Prayim Fomofriends, lead surgeon on the procedure. Dr. Fomofriends, on loan from the prestigious Mayo Naise Clinic in Boise, Idaho, called the groundbreaking surgery an undeniable success. The patient, who's identity is being kept confidential in accordance with prevailing Internet privacy policies, is recuperating at an undisclosed location, rumored to be INVITATIONS, the nation's premiere Social Networking Recovery Facility.

FROM FACES TO FACEBOOK

While to date there have been two well documented and successful human face transplants, this marks the first time doctors have successfully transplanted a Facebook account from one person to another, including all friends, news feeds, groups, and even such delicate details such as the Fun Wall and other inane applications. The patient is expected to recover fully and regain, in time, complete use of the new Facebook account, including poking, and eventually, the ability to update statuses, even from a mobile phone or linked Twitter account. The donor, who has elected to remain anonymous, is said to be a former "A-List" blogger who amassed a Facebook following of the maximum 5,000 friends and then became disillusioned by the limitation. In a prepared statement the donor commented, "I am just grateful that my so-called friends can now be put to good use in the account of someone who really needs them. I wish more people would consider becoming organization donors."

PROTESTING THE PROCEDURE

While the procedure has been heralded by some as a true medical breakthrough and an example of the future of cosmetic social surgery, as with anything controversial the transplant also has its detractors. Protesters have already gathered outside of the INVITATIONS recovery facility with signs claiming, "IF GOD HAD WANTED US TO TRANSPLANT OUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS HE WOULD NOT HAVE CREATED PASSWORDS." Ironically, there are already several groups on Facebook that have been formed to rally against the medical community and denounce the transplanting of accounts. When interviewed, the leader of one of the protest groups, who refused to reveal his identity, stated, "This surgery is sacrilege! What's next? Surgically altering Twitter to allow messages of more than 140 characters??? Where do we draw the line???"

THE FACE(BOOK) OF THINGS TO COME

At a press conference held outside Facebook headquarters, Dr. Fomofriends was accompanied by a family member of the patient who tearfully stated, "Thanks to these amazing doctors, my unnamed relative can look forward to a full life ahead, rich with friends and a Facebook account they can hold high and be proud of. No more gawking and pointing at their weak and tattered account. No more pity pokes. It is truly a miracle!" Although the entire procedure was captured via Qik on Dr. Fomofriend's jail broken iPhone, because of the graphic nature of the surgery, it has not been decided if the images will be made publicly available. However, the patient has said they do plan to post everything to their new Facebook account once they are fully healed.

For more information about the surgery, or to place yourself on a waiting list for the procedure, please contact Dr. Prayim Fomofriends, care of INVITATIONS, or add your name in comment section for this article.

Photo Credit: © Yuri Arcurs - Fotolia.com

Beware Of Fake Twitter Addicts!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 16 May 2009 15:48:00 +0000

As Twitter has hit the mainstream, everyone from Actors such as Ashton Kutcher to TV personalities with only first names such as Oprah and Ellen to Politicians such as the Governator and his lovely wife Maria Shriver have all now become good Twittizens. They have joined the ranks of Shaq and Scoble, to smell like a Kevin Rose and whine like a Vaynerchuk, 140 characters at a time. All these characters are welcome additions to the social networking community, and should any of them fall prey to the siren song of constant status updates and find themselves "addicted" to Twitter, they will not have to worry as we have recently launched a celebrity wing at INVITATIONS, the nation's premiere Social Networking Rehab Facility.

NOT ALL TWEEPLE ARE CREATED EQUAL

While there are some celebrity Twittizens who are legitimately in need of Social Networking Rehab, the staff at INVITATIONS has been inundated with a rash of applications from some more dubious tweeters, claiming to be in need of help dealing with the pressures of maintaining their tens of thousands of followers, while at the same time engaging in, shall we say, less than sincere social networking practices. This behavior is not unlike someone "admitting" to having used marijuana, and then saying they never inhaled. Who would ever make such ridiculous claims???

The mission of INVITATIONS is to help those truly in need, and we have no patience to accept patients who are actually bot-bearing, auto-following, link-baiting, self-proclaimed "gurus." With that in mind, we have prepared a simple checklist to help you avoid inadvertently aiding a false addict:

TOP 10 WAYS TO IDENTIFY A FAKE TWITTER ADDICT

10. The words "SEO", "MONEY", "CASH", "PROFITS" or "WEIGHTLOSS" are part of their Twitter name...

9. You receive an immediate DM when you follow them back.

8. The DM you receive links to their SCAM, er, blog or website.

7. They follow thousands, have thousands of suckers, er, folks following them back, and they have posted 0 updates.

6. If they have posted updates, 99.9% of them contain a link to the same website or blog.

5. The only @replies they have are to other accounts they own ("self tweetillation" or "masturbatory tweeting.")

4. They NEVER Re-Tweet.

3. They Tweet about gaining 1,000's of followers "overnight" (and will show YOU how!)

2. Their profile image is a Dollar $ign.

And the number one way to identify a Fake Twitter Addict:

1. You end up HERE when you look for their Twitter profile!

How about you? Have you encountered any "fake" twitter addicts? If so, please tell us how you identified them in the comments!

Photo Credit: © Fullvalue - Fotolia.com

Day 484: Put Your Twitter Addiction To Good Use!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 05:26:00 +0000

A Public Service Announcement:

For more information about @wellwishes, @tipjoy and how you can contribute $2.00 and feed your Twitter addiction at the same time, please visit Pistachio Consulting.

Special Thanks to Chris Heuer, Kristie Wells, Alex DeCarvalho, Alex Harris and everyone at the Social Media Club South Florida who participated in this PSA.

Day 419: Twittolympics! Let The Games Begin!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 01:52:00 +0000

During the summer, while the rest of you were vacationing, I was spending most of my time in Twitter Rehab here at INVITATIONS. During my most painful bouts of Twitter withdrawal, I had nothing much to do but watch TV and the popular summer mini-series about Michael Phelps (otherwise known as The Olympics). At the time, as I was Jonesing for an opportunity to Tweet, frankly, seeing Michael Phelps turn Mark Spitz's Gold Medal record into spittle was hardly a reasonable facsimile for staring at a flat screen monitor filled with pages of friendly tweets. What's an addict to do?

IF YOU CAN'T TWEET 'EM, JOIN 'EM!

As I fantasized about my next chance to sneak in a fix of Tweeting on my Treo or iPod Touch, I started to think about an alternate Olympics consisting of social media events - call it the "Twittolympics!"

Here are some of the events I imagined:

140 Character Sprint: How fast can you complete a 140 character Tweet. World record holder is @pistachio with 0 - 140 characters in 8.3 seconds!

140 Character Relay: Four athletes from each competing team hand off a Blackberry Curve duct-taped to a baton after completing a perfect 140 character Tweet. The current record holding "Dream Team" from USA features @scobleizer, @jasoncalacanis, @techcrunch, with the final leg held by @davewiner.

DM-athalon: The first contestant to complete a series of direct messages (with return responses) to each of three random Twittizens wins the gold. Current recorld holder is @leolaporte, who is annoyed at winning the one event without TWIT in its name...

Synchronized Tweeting: Competing teams must complete the same 140 character Tweet in unison (and at the same time!)

Twittathalon: The contestants must complete three consecutive Tweets, one from a Blackberry, one from a desktop PC, and finally one from an iPhone. The fastest combined time, with points off for misspellings, wins! Current record holder, @chrisbrogan, with one hand tied behind his back!

Tabletop Tweeting: Competitors must Tweet back and forth from both sides of a ping pong table, lobbing Twitter messages by tossing an iPhone across the net.

Twittathon: Competitors must complete a grueling course of 26 consecutive 140 character Tweets. Current world record holder is the UK's @mashable, who completed the course in less time than it took to down a pint of Guinness!

Disqus Throw: See how far you can toss your blog comments! Current record holder, by a mile, @fredwilson of the USA.

What do you think? Are you ready to go for the Twitter Gold? Are you ready to mettle with my Medals? What other social media events would you like to see in the Twittolympics? Please add your ideas in the comments.

And if you think you are ready for Twitter Rehab, you can fill out an application for INVITATIONS here.

Medals Photo Credit: MTC Media - Fotolia.com

Day 366: The Year In Rehab Review

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 20:31:00 +0000

"They tried to make me go to Rehab, I said "No, No, No..."

-- Amy Winehouse

"They said I needed Twitter Rehab, I said "Yes, Yes, Yes!"

-- Jeffrey Sass

It has been a full year since I admitted myself to the INVITATIONS Social Networking Rehab facility. Several thousand tweets later I am still here. Wiser? Yes. Less addicted? Well...

A year ago there was the just the Twittergram. Today there are numerous services that put Twitter on steroids: Seesmic, Utterz, TwitPic, Qik, 12Seconds, and many more all seamlessly connect rich media to Twitter, creating a veritable social media speedball! Temptation is everywhere. And that is without even mentioning Facebook and Friendfeed! What's an addict to do???

IN THE BEGINNING...

How did I end up here? It all started with this video I posted to Facebook a year ago:

Having finally admitted I had a problem, I started on a 28 day journey that has lasted a year... I was fortunate to find INVITATIONS after getting rejected by PROMISES in Malibu for not being a Celebrity.

One of my first tasks after being admitted to rehab was to help produce a Public Service Announcement to promote INVITATIONS, and spread the word about the evils of Social Networking addiction.

Here is the PSA from last year:

Remember QUECHUP? It didn't matter if it was a scam or just spam, it was crushed by a community wide kabosh. If we only knew then what we know now. Although Twitter-bots and Twitter spam may now be on the rise, spam is only one of the Perils of using Twitter, as highlighted in another PSA:

So here I am, entering my second year of rehab with callouses on my Twitter fingers and a cap on the number of folks I can follow. Is that going to stop me from imbibing in my social media?

No way!

Day 342: Really Quitting Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:31:00 +0000

That's it. I have been in and out of the INVITATIONS Social Networking Rehab facility for nearly a year and I have yet to be able to beat this addiction. Group therapy, medication, sensory deprivation treatments, acupuncture, dial-up Internet access... nothing seems to work. After a heated discussion with my Social Networking Shrink we have come to the only logical conclusion: I must really quit Twitter "Cold Turkey!"

STEP ONE: EMPTY THE DRAWERS & CABINETS...

If I was trying to quit smoking I would rid the house of cigarrettes... If I was trying to stop drinking I would rid the house of alcohol. Since I must quit Twitter I have to rid the house of Twitter clients. Easier said than done...

Desktop and Laptop Computers: I uninstalled TwitBin, Snitter, Twhirl, Tweetdeck and OutTwit...

Treo 755p: I removed bookmarks to m.twitter.com and Slandr...

iPod Touch: I deleted Twitterific, Twinkle, Twitter, iTweet, Hahlo, MeTweets, Summize/Twitter Search, Twittelator and Twittervision...

There. Done.

OUT OF SITE, NOT OUT OF MIND...

But wait. I may be able to remove Twitter from my devices, but I can't remove Twitter from my mind:

I wake up in the morning and wonder where @jeffpulver is having breakfast...

I sip my East Coast morning coffee envisioning @techcrunch still up, Tweeting away after having pulled yet another all-nighter in favor of a breaking tech story...

I wonder if @jchutchins is saying "Welcome Up" or if @scobleizer has posted another tweet about the conversation on Friendfeed... in shades of Louis Gray...

At night I dream in 140 characters or less...

During the day I fantasize... Is @davewiner whining? Is @jasoncalacanis saying Aloha or Mahalo? Does @NickStarr still like boys? What size shoe does @zappos wear?

I snack on @pistachio nuts and write lists of 100 helpful Tweets I would send to @chrisbrogan if I were only on Twitter...

I even write poetry:

AN ODE TO QUITTING TWITTER
by Jeffrey Sass

I tried to quit Twitter and do it Cold Turkey,
My fingers now jitter and my hands are all jerky.

I don't see how I will ever land on my feet,
If I must pass my days without a single Tweet.

I wonder what all my friends are thinking,
Who are they "@-ing"... where are they linking?

I'm feeling depressed, it's more than I can swallow,
No Tweeple to love, no people to follow.

I miss the Fail Whale, my life is in the shitter...
How can I go on without any Twitter???

Uh-oh, the night orderly is here with my meds... gotta go. If you had to quit Twitter "Cold Turkey" how would you do it?

Photo Credit: Bozworthington - Fotolia.com

Day 303: A Twitter Addicts' Guide To Social Media Services

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:30:00 +0000

Call me Ishmael...

With all the WHALE images I have seen on Twitter lately, I can't help but recall MOBY DICK... And like Captain Ahab, there are times when I can't help wanting to exact revenge and harpoon that (not so) elusive whale...

LOTS OF NEW FISH IN THE FISHBOWL

One of the problems the hardcore patients here at the INVITATIONS Social Networking Rehab facility have is to keep the staff from finding out about all the different new SocNets. What they don't know won't hurt us! So, while Twitter and Facebook are recognized as being among the leading drugs of choice for the Social Networking junkie, some of the newer SocNet strains are still foreign to the doctors and therapists here. With that in mind, a few fellow patients and I have prepared an emergency glossary to use to throw the staff off guard and keep them from discovering (and potentially ruining) our latest shiny objects.

Therefore, should any healthcare officials ask you about one of these services, here are the answers you should provide:

What is...

PLURK: The sound the Twitter whale makes when it blows...(and seeing that whale really does blow!)

FRIENDFEED: The hors d'oeuvres served at one of Mike Arrington's (in)famous TechCrunch parties...

POWNCE: The act of jumping on top of one of your Twitter friends when you meet them in Real Life for the first time...

JAIKU: Jewish poetry consisting of 5 syllables, followed by 7 syllables, followed by 5 Yiddish words...

UTTERZ: Cow parts that very few Geeks have ever touched...

SEESMIC: What Keith Richards does when he turns toward Jagger...

QIK: A quicker way to spell "quick."

MYSPACE: What Rupert Murdock calls the Internet.

LINKEDIN: The 16th President of the United States, often referred to as "Honest Abe."

PLAXO: An industrial strength cleaning solution effective at whitewashing your contact list.

If you have your own definitions for these and other services, please add them to the comments!

Day 235: Twitter Addiction is a UNIVERSAL Problem!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:03:00 +0000

I recently attended a "Tweet-Up" (which is a fancy way of saying a "Twitterholics Anonymous" meeting). Typically I attend as many such gatherings as I can in order to recruit those in need of rehab. At this particular meeting, held at a secret location, I was quite surprised by the motley crew of Twitter loyalists gathered to pay tribute to that seductive siren, who calls to them 140 characters at time. Clearly, Twitter addiction impacts all walks of life... on this planet and beyond...

Special thanks to patients Todd Van Hoosear, John Keyes, and the Aliens.

Send this video to your phone. Text "JeffSass Borg" to 69937 (MYXER) or click the widget below:

Day 233: Bored at Rehab so I created a NEW TWITTER GAME!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 17:31:00 +0000

While passing the time in Twitter Rehab here at INVITATIONS I was daydreaming about Twitter and came up with an idea for a new game (and yet another way to feed my addiction -- after all, the most popular games are addictive, aren't they!) I managed to sneak my Treo with me into a supply closet to log onto Twitter and check it out.

Here's how it works:

THE NAME OF THE GAME: REPEAT TWEET!

The Objective:

To rearrange the words in a Tweet to create new meaning.

The Rules:

You must use ALL the words in the original Tweet and your resulting Tweet MUST have some reasonably intelligible meaning.

Scoring:

For the first re-wording of a Tweet (First Generation) you get 5 points.
For re-wording someone else's re-wording (Second Generation) you get 10 points.
If there is a Third Generation (re-wording someone's Second Generation) you get 15 points.

BONUS POINTS:

You get 25 BONUS POINTS if your REPEAT TWEET gets a reply from the original Tweeter (and they have no idea you just rearranged and spit back their own words.)

Some Examples:

It started with me spotting this Tweet from Chris Brogan:

To which I REPEAT TWEETed:

Soon Becky McCray joined the fray. She Tweeted:

Which of course I REPEAT TWEETed as:

Which of course COMPLETELY CONFUSED Tony Katz. You get the idea...

So, let me know what you think of REPEAT TWEET and please post your examples of REPEAT TWEETS in the comments below. Of course, if you spend too much time playing REPEAT TWEET you may need to fill out an application form for a bed here at INVITATIONS rehab. Perhaps I'll see you soon!

Day 191: 10 Ways To Handle Quitting Twitter Cold Turkey!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 06:01:00 +0000

Whether your doctor has told you to cut out Social Networking, or you are just faced with feeling down because (once again) Twitter is down, here are some things you can do to satisfy your urges while "off Twitter." All of these methods have been carefully devised by the highly trained staff at the INVITATIONS Social Networking Recovery Facility.

10 Ways To Ease The Pain of Quitting Twitter Cold Turkey:

1) Eat lots of Peas!

2) Refer to all your cubicle mates, friends and family by "@" Firstname.

3) Buy a pet bird (to keep Tweeting for you).

4) Limit your email messages to 140 characters and make believe they are Tweets.

5) Send SMS messages to yourself describing the meal you just ate.

6) Convert every URL in your browser history into a shorter URL with TinyUrl... then try to guess which TinyUrl connects to what website... just for fun!

7) Print little stickers of your Twitter avatar and PeaVatar and use them in lieu of stamps on all your snail mail. What is "Snail Mail" you ask? Nevermind.

8) Refer to your favorite candy as a SNITTER bar.

9) Call your physician and ask if he can write you a referral for a TweetScan.

10) Go to SXSW since EVERYONE on Twitter will be there and you can actually talk instead of Tweet!

Of course, if the above suggestions still leave you with pangs of Twitter desire, you can apply for admission to a TweeTox program at INVITATIONS.

"When Twitter is offline our staff is on duty!"

Please add your own Twitter Withdrawal suggestions in the comments, and take the new poll on the sidebar!

Day 127: Breakfast of ChamPEAons!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 23:19:00 +0000

As my 28 days of Social Networking Rehab have become 127, it is clear that 12 steps is a much greater distance than it sounds like. In the old days, a guy would walk a mile for a Camel. Today, I'd walk a lot farther than that to find a decent Internet connection to check my Twitter and Facebook accounts!

"Social Networks are the new Nicotine and Twitter is my favorite brand of smokes!"

THERE IS STRENGTH IN NUMBERS

As proven by the popularity of PodCamps, BarCamps, TweetUps, Social Media Breakfasts and other "events," it seems that those of us who are truly addicted to Social Networking like to hang out together (mostly to compare digital cameras, Blackberries and mobile phones as we Twitter, Seesmic and Utterz "live" to everyone else who is NOT there).

But Social Networking Addiction is not always a bad thing. In addition to keeping the staff at INVITATIONS gainfully employed, social networking addicts, by nature of their close and constant connections, are perfectly positioned to join forces and rally for a cause. If we are going to fall off the wagon, we might as well join the bandwagon! And join the bandwagon we did! (and for a very worthy cause)

GOING GREEN IS NOT AN AL GORE EXCLUSIVE!

Peas. Peas, not global warming, is the cause that has caused the greening of Twitter. At this point, if you don't know what I am talking about you are either a pea-brain, or you are clearly not enough of a social networking addict to be considered for admission to rehab at INVITATIONS. (Okay, I apologize for the pea-brain comment. That was uncalled for - hey, I'm an addict, AND I can't resist a corny pun... It is GOOD if you didn't know what I was talking about beforehand, because NOW you do! Please forgive me and read on...)

Peas have become Twitter's pink ribbon of support for those facing the challenges of cancer, inspired by a fellow Twittizen, Susan Reynolds (@susanreynolds) and her own unexpected breast cancer diagnosis earlier this month. The frozen peas Susan used to comfort herself physically have become the symbolic peas we have added to our Twitter avatars (Pea-Vatars) to comfort Susan in other ways.

With peas on the brain (I guess I am the pea brain!) the INVITATIONS Social Networking Recovery Facility is pleased to be the sponsor of a new "Pea-S-A" Public Service Announcement, shot on location at the RASCAL HOUSE in Sunny Isles Beach, Florida. Thanks to fine Twittizens Jeff Pulver (@jeffpulver), Florian Seroussi (@florianseroussi), Steven Buehler (@revtriste) and Jonathan Gluck (@JonGluck) for their apPEArance in the segment.

And please, after watching the Pea-S-A, visit www.frozenpeafund.com and see how you can contribute. Pretty peas?

Video By Jeffrey Sass. Peas in a Spoon photo by Ashley Whitworth, Fotolia.com

Send This Video to your PHONE! Text "JEFFSASS PeaSA" to 69937 (MYXER) or click below:

Day 113: Twitter Withdrawal? Register for help here!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 08:46:00 +0000

Last Friday may have been the day that lives in Infamy, but today is the day that may cause serious pain for a lot of otherwise happy Twittizens. Why? As noted in the screenshot above, Twitter will be down for 12 HOURS!!! (UPDATE: The planned outage was a non-event and re-scheduled for Sunday, December 16...)

Holy Withdrawal Pains Batman, what's an addict to do???

It is ironic that this planned Twitter outage comes only days after Jeremiah Owyang caused a TwitPlosion of activity with his provocative blog post entitled "Some Conversations Have Shifted To Twitter." This shifty blog entry, with more than 400 comments from Twittizens desperately seeking more followers, has perhaps unintentionally made the honorable Jeremiah one of our generation's leading enablers of Twitter addiction.

Help Is On The Way! Get Your INVITATION!

The marketing brains here at INVITATIONS realize that this "twouble with twitter" may cause an unusually high demand for Social Networking Rehabilitation services this weekend. With that in mind we are hosting an Open House today and will be accepting any and all applications for admission to the INVITATIONS Clinic.

Our Patient Registration Form is below. Please click on it to view, download and print a copy. You may Fax your completed form to (484) 737-5174. While all applications will be accepted during today's Open House, beds will be assigned on a first come, first served basis.

As a professional courtesy, we have already set aside the Invitations "Presidential" and "Royal" suites for Jeff Pulver and Doug Haslam.

UPDATE: It is Saturday at 4:10pm EST and Twitter has yet to go down. Despite the numerous countdowns and refreshes by the faithful addicts, it appears the rumors of Twitter's temporary demise were greatly exaggerated!

Day 107: Get Your INVITATION! The Steps to Social Networking Rehab

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 02:40:00 +0000

Clearly my rehabilitation is not going well. 28 days has turned into 107 and I am still battling my Social Networking Addiction. The good news is that I am not alone. The beds at INVITATIONS are full, and the waiting list for admittance is growing faster than a line of geeks at an Apple store the night before a new product release.

GETTING PULVER-IZED

I was recently in Boston and had the chance to attend one of Jeff Pulver's Real-Time Social Networking events. With "live" human poking and tagging and everyone wearing Name Tags with their Twitter or Facebook names, this might as well have been an official SNAA (Social Networking Addicts Anonymous) meeting. Of course, by definition, a group of SOCIAL networkers are hardly anonymous! With Jeff P as the fearless leader, the event was an outstanding recruitment vehicle for INVITATIONS. Camera in-hand, I seized the moment to interview a number of folks who are ripe for a 28 day "vacation" in Social Networking Rehab.

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Here is the resulting Public Service Announcement. Thanks to the patience of soon to be patients: Todd Van Hoosear, Chris Brogan, Jesse Baer, Jeff Glasson, Jeff Pulver, Scott Monty, Joe Cascio, Ann Handley, Michelle Wolverton, Nate Aune, and Doug Haslam. For your cooperation, you are all entitled to one free group therapy session during your next stay at INVITATIONS.

Send this video to your phone. Click the button

or Text "JeffSass PSA3" to "69937" (MYXER)

Day 72: The Perils of Twitter and Social Networking - A Public Service Announcement

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 23:33:00 +0000

In order to earn some merit points toward some time on-line here at the INVITATIONS Recovery Facility, I volunteered for a study on some of the Medical Side Effects of Social Networking Addiction. The results of the study were quite shocking (though in retrospect, perhaps predictable). This has the potential to be far more serious than Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and may cause you to think twice before sending your next mobile Twitter Tweet! Here is the Important Public Service Announcement just released by the Staff of INVITATIONS.

Special Thanks to my fellow present or soon to be admitted INVITATIONS Inmates who appear in the PSA, including Jeff Pulver, Chris Brogan, Seth Harwood, Ed Roberts, Laura "Pistachio" Fitton

UPDATE: Send this video to your phone! Text "JeffSass PSA2" to "69937" or click the button:

Day 61: A Seesmic Shift... or a Social Networking Speedball?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 06:31:00 +0000

What's an addict to do? It has been 61 days since I started the "program" and while I have experienced fleeting moments of social networking sobriety (mostly when asleep, or confined to an aircraft cruising at 30,000 feet) I still find myself lured back into the dark world of Twitter. As I wander the streets, Treo in hand, it seems there is an @somebody on every corner, teasing and taunting me to just give them 140 characters for a fix...

A Seesmic Shift

Now there's a new drug of choice (isn't there always!) If tapping a vein with Text is not enough to get you off anymore, you can feed the demon with VIDEO using Seesmic. Why think and type when you can make funny faces and talk right into your webcam??? Better yet, my Seesmic Videos go directly into my Twitter feed. What a rush! Who needs Heroin and Cocaine to get high... Seesmic and Twitter is my Social Networking Speedball!

Thanks to my new "dealer", Loic Le Meur, I am feeling a bit trapped, and will have to extend my stay at INVITATIONS...

Video by @sass. "Shift" Photo Credit: charles taylor - Fotolia.com

Day 43: Top 10 Reasons YOU Need Social Networking Rehab

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 15:32:00 +0000

(This post was inspired by Laura Fitton (@pistachio) and Lorri Randle (@mediajoltz) while we were Tweeting things up together in Ontario at the PNME. If you can say "YES" to four or more of the items below, then YOU should seriously consider joining me for an extended stay at INVITATIONS, the Nation's Premiere Social Networking Recovery Facility.)

Top 10 Reasons YOU Need Social Networking Rehab:

10. You have tried to email or IM someone by typing "@theirname".

9. You had to Friend your Physician on Facebook in order to make a Doctor's appointment.

8. You know who Robert Scoble is.

7. Without counting, you can instinctively form cohesive sentences of 140 characters or less.

6. You know who Dave Winer is and don't think RSS is a Cruise Line.

5. You have Twittered someone while they were physically less than 10 feet away from you.

4. You don't think Steve Rubel was one of the founders of STUDIO 54.

3. You left your baby in a car seat on the roof of your minivan because you were responding to an @Yourname Tweet on your Blackberry.

2. You are stressed out trying to figure out how to fit all your Facebook friends at the table for Thanksgiving.

And the number 1 reason YOU need Social Networking Rehab...

1. You are reading this post (and you linked to it from a Twitter message!)

Photo Credit: hazel proudlove - Fotolia.com