Social Worker-That's So Messed Up.

More on Crying In Public

2013-04-18T13:54:00.004-07:00

Whelp I'm back again with another story of being scolded by an unhappy therapist and crying in public. Wow this is starting to feel like a theme. I can say however, that everything else at work is great and I've got positive relationships with 90% of the other professionals I'm working with. This situation was actually spillover from the last time I worked with this person. Okay I'll just start at the beginning.

Over a year ago, I had three different kids living in a residential teen parenting program. My cases were absolutely crazy at that point. Two out of the three girls were very challenging kids with huge trauma histories and lots of issues. You stick those girls together in a residential setting and it's often a recipe for disaster. One girl was having an extremely hard, was violent with other girls in the program, couldn't manage to follow any direction, was difficult to redirect, just was having a lot of issues and was bombing out (I'll call her Jan). I wish i could remember all the details, it was a complicated issue. During that same time, the other youth (call her Sue) was being greatly triggered by the first girl, was having her own challenges and basically said she was going to take off and leave if this other kid didn't leave. I was getting a lot of pressure from the program to basically "fix" the problem. I really didn't know what to do but eventually the program said they didn't think that Jan could stay anymore because she was affecting all the other kids in the program and it wasn't working for her. I was trying to figure out a way to move Jan and keep her child with her. I told her I was going to hopefully get her out of the program and have her move in with a relative with her child. I thought our agency could certify her god mother again, who'd previously been her foster parent. Unfortunately after I submitted the request to our certification unit, they told me they had too many concerns about this person and even though she had been this kids foster parent before, they weren't going to certify her again. In the meantime, during a team meeting with Sue, I mentioned that I was working on "fixing" the problem and that the other youth would be most likely moving from the program within the month.

I fucked up. I shouldn't have mentioned anything during Sue's meeting about Jan. That was not a good call. I hadn't even told Jan about the possibility of her moving with this relative and so after Sue's meeting she found out pretty quickly through rumors that were quickly spread. This created all kinds of problems in the program. Both girls had a ton of anxiety about leaving or not leaving and it just became very hard for the program and their staff to manage both girls. I got called out during one of the next meeting because what I promised would happen, was unable to happen. The staff at the program were very upset by this, especially one case manager. She felt especially upset with me. She wrote a scathing email to me, my supervisor and anyone else who would listen. She essentially blamed me for this kid failing out of the program and said some pretty harsh stuff. I may have screwed up in one regard but I certainly wasn't solely responsible for this kids lack of success. So we ended things on pretty bad terms. I tried to patch it up and was very transparent with my supervisor about all of it. She was even like, woah, girl is crazy mad, seems like a bit of an overreaction.

Well fast forward about a year. Sue left the program shortly after this all happened. She went on a visit with her previous foster parent and refused to come back. I had no real ability to force her to come back because the agency no longer had custody of her daughter and honestly I felt like she was doing better in her foster home than that program. Eventually however, shit hit the fan. The therapists and her professional team of people started to dwindle down as she was doing good. She was going to school, got a job at Fred Meyers and appeared to be doing really well. A couple months ago however, she ended up being flown to California with her daughter, by her pimp and being seriously injured and hurt by more than one person. It was a scary time but luckily we got them both back in one piece. Based on the danger that she'd been in and had exposed her child to, her child was placed back in foster care. She agreed to go back into the residential program but they said they wanted to have a meeting with her before she could go back.

We met yesterday and shit did not go great. I felt like the air in the place was very blaming of her and she wasn't being treated like the victim that she's been for so long. There was lots of talk of her being an escort and prostitute, rather than an exploited kid, SINCE THE AGE OF 14! The staff were concerned she'd be a bad influence on the other kids and then they turned to me and said they had concerns about working with me again. The one case manager was the one who voiced her concerns. She has this really condescending way of insulting you and cutting you deep while simultaneously smiling and acting like she's being nice. It's very confusing. If you're upset, then just be real with me and speak your mind, don't smile and say "heeeey giiiiirl, how we gonna work together. This might be a problem." I don't know how to react to that. It throws me off. Are you being nice? Are you insulting me? Should I defend myself? It's so off-putting. I told them I wanted to be a team player and I would do my best to communicate with everyone as much as possible and that they'd also have to understand my limitations as the child welfare worker, because I do have limitations. I think they sometimes get upset when things they want to happen can't. They have this idea that I'm holding out on some wonderful opportunity, that perfect foster home, when the reality is that I am doing all i can and that resource just doesn't exist. It's not ALWAYS my fault. I refuse to take responsibility for a lack of resources. I can't make things exist that do not.

After the meeting, the case manager asked if we could talk. Again she acted nice but also made a comment to the effect that she didn't know if I cared about my kids. I lost it. I burst into tears. That is about the worst thing you can say to me. I told her I was offended by that assumption, that my girls are my passion and my life and that I found it incredibly insulting that she would even think to say something like that. She said it was good to hear I felt that way. She also said she'd been so concerned about me that she'd talked with other people who did actually like with me, which surprised her and that she'd felt so strongly about not liking my work that she'd wanted to write letters to people in my agency against me. I continued to sob basically (maybe pms?) and we talked a bit more and she said she's good with direct communication, that she's not good at reading between the lines. Although I felt that while she was fairly direct about some stuff, she was also really confusing to read. I guess we just have extremely different communication styles. We sort of cleared the air and I committed to trying to work with her. It was not a good day. Glad it's almost the weekend.

Progress

2013-04-12T11:50:00.001-07:00

I’m so glad I have this blog as a documentation of the progress that has been going on over the last couple of years in this job. It’s been an extremely challenging road with slow progress. When progress happens at a smaller speed, it’s easy not to see it. It’s only after looking at posts from August of 2011 that I realize how far I’ve come as a professional as well as how far some of my girls have come.

Things are calm right now and people keep telling me to stop saying that. “Knock on wood. You say that now and shit’s gonna get crazy as soon as it leaves your lips.” I have to say it though because I SOOOOO appreciate the break from the complete chaos that has been this job for so long. Now when emergencies come up, I’m so much better equipped to handle them. Systems have been developed and protocols put in place to better handle the typical drama. Now when I get a call about a kid, I know exactly who to call, who to ask for and just generally have a better idea of what to do.

The most exciting part however is the progress that some of my kids have made. In addition to it being a little less chaotic, I’m seeing some serious progress from a number of girls. Will they have some relapses in safety and being exploited? Probably but they are making progress and learning some valuable coping skills along the way.

Last week I went to a treatment meeting for a kid who’s been in a locked drug and alcohol facility for approximately two months now. A year ago she wouldn’t speak to her mom, was running the streets, was having sex with adult men for money, was skipping school, getting into fights with other girls, was using drugs and was generally just in very unsafe situations on almost a daily basis. I took her to several doctors’ appointments after being sexually exploited. She was not doing well and every meeting we had was a struggle to come up with a plan to keep her safe. Currently, she’s doing amazing. She is not only speaking to her mother, but she’s excited and happy to see her, she’s doing family therapy, she’s able to acknowledge the trauma that she has been through and how it presents itself in her everyday life. She’s opening up in therapy and for once, making some real progress. I teared up in her meeting because I’m just so proud of her and all her work. There was a time when we were worried she might die on the street. Her poor mother was just praying that she wouldn’t be killed while out with these dangerous people.

I have another kid who just graduated from drug and alcohol treatment and is back at home with her family. She’s no longer in touch with the people that exploited her and she’s been clean and sober for multiple months. She’s taking a cooking internship and just won a cooking competition. Less than a year ago she was literally hanging out of the back of an ambulance saying that she just wanted to die and to let her die. She’s now sassy and funny and doing so well in school that today she is getting a pizza party for being student of the month!

I have another kid who has spent the last couple of years in and out of treatment facilities. She’s the youngest child on my caseload and just turned 15yrs old. Three months ago she was being raped and abused on almost a daily basis. I was finally able to pick her up and take her to a residential program in another city. She actually likes it and is helping to facilitate a group for other girls that have experienced trafficking.

Another kid, I’ve had to drag out of her pimp’s house twice over the last two years. She went to treatment twice and only after the second time did she finally get some use out of it. She was able to move to a foster home in a different city, near her mother, has completed most of her GED testing and is living with her family for the first time in many years.

These are only a few of the positive stories I have right now. I guess it really was worth it to stick around, even if I felt like pulling out my hair and jumping off a cliff a few times!

A Typical Day

2013-02-26T23:42:00.003-08:00

It was 9am when I got to the office that morning. After reading through 20 emails and listening to 15 phone messages, I got news that my 14yr old, Summer, had been taken to the hospital in the middle of the night. The email stated "she reports taking mushrooms and waking up with blood all over her crotch". I cringed and closed my eyes for a second, thinking about all of the other calls and emails I've gotten about this poor girl. The gang rape by three men after shooting her up with heroin, the pimp that hid in the bushes and jumped out holding a gun to her head, the time a pimp kidnapped her and sold her along with an adult woman in a hotel and then punched and pushed her down a flight of stairs. This young child, so funny, silly and smart.

She'd showed up at the children's shelter in the middle of the night and they were able to take her to ER. I called to speak to the case manager at the shelter. Ann was a wonderful lady whom I was in regular contact with. Our shared clients and similar style of engaging with kids gave us an appreciation for one another. We both heaved big sighs into the phone as we began talking about Summer.

"So what happened? I just got this report but it's pretty vague. Something about drugs and blood on her legs in the morning. When exactly did this happen?" I ask

"Well she showed up around 1am. She said the incident actually happened on Tuesday night [one night prior]. She took mushrooms with some guys, blacked out and woke up with blood between her legs."

I shutter again "Jesus, the poor thing, she literally cannot walk out the door without getting physically hurt, raped and drugged by men. It's just so maddening!"

I can hear Ann's agreement through the phone "Oh and it gets worse. She said to me that she didn't think it was a big deal, that she refused to do a rape kit because she knew who did it and that she just wished they'd asked. She literally said "All they had to do was ask"

I gasp once again "Are you fucking kidding me?! UGH. That is just awful, it's just become such a norm for her. Well is she awake? Can I talk to her?

"yeah I think she just got up. She slept on the couch in the office. I'll go get her for you."

A small baby voice gets on the phone. Any 'tough kid' act she normally has seems to melt on the phone.

"Hey" She says quietly.

"Hey sweetie, how are you doing? I was so worried about you. Can you tell me a little bit about what happened? I heard that you were taken to the hospital last night"

She speaks softly into the phone "I'm okay, really I'm fine. It's really my own fault. I went to these guys house I was the one who knocked on their door to hang out with them. They were all doing mushrooms and gave me some. It was crazy dude, I was looking at this picture on the wall and the people started coming out of it."

"wow yeah that sounds pretty crazy. So did you just black out or what happened?"

"well I..yeah I guess so. I was like totally freaking out because I was seeing shit. I passed out in a room and when I woke up I had blood in my crotch. It's okay though, it's my own fault. I went there and took mushrooms with them. The kept asking me at the hospital to take DNA. They can't do that without my permission can they?"

I feel my body tensing up at the thought of her being raped by these random men. "Do you mean like a rape kit? I don't think they'd take any DNA unless you approved but I'm honestly not sure. Can you tell me these guys names?"

"No I don't want to get them in trouble. It's fine. I'm okay. It's my own fault. I went over there, they didn't like force me or anything to take mushrooms."

I'm trying hard to think of how to sensitively address this without putting her off. "You know honey, no one every deserves to be taken advantage of. I don't care if you went there by your own choice or not. What they did to you is not okay. Its never okay to sleep with someone or do something to someone when they're passed out, or on drugs. You did nothing wrong. I'm so sorry this happened to you though. Can I come visit you there?"

"yeah I'm okay, I'm just sad I guess and I could use a really big hug from you." She sounded calm and defeated.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'd love to come give you a big hug. I'm very glad you're safe now. I'll see you in a little bit."

An hour later she decided to come to the office to visit me instead. She seemed in much better spirits and poked fun of me and my co-worker for drinking diet coke. She played with my hair, accusing me of having a bad hair-day then putting loose hairs up with spare bobby pins she fished out of her purse. She came over to my desk and sat on my lap, laughing.

"So what are you going to do with me. You just don't know do you?" She asked. We both laughed at the sad and absurd truth that I don't really know what I'm going to do with her to keep her safe and I'm never really convinced that what I'm going to do is the right thing. At that moment we at least had jokes and a diet coke to keep us busy.

Undesired Meetings

2013-02-09T21:12:00.002-08:00

I'm having a conflict with a therapist that works with one of my kids. I don't know why but I've had problems with a handful of therapists in this job. I have to wonder after a certain point, am I just that bad at communicating or doing my job and that it's not their fault but mine? In my head I go back and forth, first defending myself to myself "You're a great worker, it's obvious that you are good at what you do, you love your kids, you build relationships with them and that is a huge part of what makes you good at what you do. You stand up for what you think is best for them. You are able to think objectively when maybe other people have a challenging time doing that." Then I've got the other voice saying to myself "maybe you aren't as good as you think you are. You have a good relationship with the kids but you could probably be around them more, you could call them more often, you could communicate with their therapists more often. Maybe you're just a bit too lazy and like you were in school, doing the minimum. Maybe you think you're a good communicator but how people are percieving you is not the same as how you see yourself."

I hate these internal dialogues. They suck. I suppose some truth lies somewhere in the middle. What kills me right now is that I've got this one therapist who really does not like me. I really don't know why. I actually like her and it feels super shitty knowing that for some reason she doesn't like me. I must have made some kind of judgement call that she didnt' approve of, didn't communicate clearly enough with her, stepped on her toes, I have no idea. We haven't always agreed about what is in the best interest of our kids but I think that happens quite a bit in either of our jobs, so I just dont' understand why we can't move past it. It's gotten to the point where she won't even really speak to me. If I'm in a meeting with her, she looks away and pretty much won't address me. She calls my supervisor instead of me if she needs something. It feels just so icky. One of my kids had her as a therapist, moved to a new therapist and now wants to go back to her. I really have no problem with that because I want this kid to participate in therapy and if she feels connected to this person, I'm certainly not going to let my relationship with her, stop it. Beforehand though, I wanted to sit down with her and her supervisor and my supervisor and have a frank talk about some of the stuff that had been bothering me. This kid is a master at traingulation and I dont even know if she knows it, or does it intentionally but she wants people to be on her side, even if it means turning them against one another. I just wanted to make sure we were both on top of it and in communication so she wouldn't turn us further against one another. This is the kid who once told me "Someone on my team told me i shouldn't feel bad because you don't do your job with your other kids either." yeah, ouch.

I had been dreading this talk but it felt like time. We all got together for lunch. My supervisor and hers were both civil and appropriate and the environment seemed friendly, then Jordan arrived and sat down at the table, frown on her face, didn't get any lunch, wouldn't look at anyone and crossed her arms. I started to talk about communication and making sure to be in touch with one another and some of my previous concerns. She wouldn't look at me, she stared at the table emotionless. At one point my supervisor asked her if she had any concerns she wanted to address or talk about. She said "nope" looking down. That was that. It was the most awkward and horrible meeting. I just thought we'd talk and get stuff out in the open. No such luck.
My supervisor was appalled at her behavior. I told her that's typical for how she treats me. A few days later, my supervisor talks with her supervisor again and says that she Jordan wanted to apologize to me and that she didn't want to spreek freely in front of my supervisor about her concerns because she didnt' want to get me in trouble! I have no idea what she thinks she's going to tell my supervisor that would get me in trouble. There is nothing I've done (that i can think of) that would get me in trouble. At this point however I feel like I opened the door for communication with a supportive supervisor there to help and she basically told me to fuck off. So do i meet with her again? It just makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about meeting with her alone and just having her tell me all the bad things she doesnt' like about me. It all feels so junior high and I wish we could just both be professionals and move forward. UGH!!! Advice?

Redefining Success

2012-12-16T14:15:00.000-08:00

When I decided to go to school for social work, I had visions of helping, of being supportive to families, of being a hero. I thought about how rewarding it would be and the accolades I would receive. I have always liked the idea of being helpful to others, being a patient ear to listen and have always stuck up for the under- dog. In junior high, I told off the kids that repeatedly called one girl "fat mama". Can you imagine if your nickname was "fat mama"? I told em to knock it off and stop being so mean. The following day, this girl had candy and she was giving it all out to the same kids that were making fun of her. She didn't pay me much attention and I was perplexed by the whole thing. 'I stuck up for you, why aren't you giving me candy? Those jerks were making fun of you just yesterday'. I suppose that was my first lesson of what to expect or maybe rather, what you shouldn't expect for trying to "save" someone. I don't even mean this in a bitter or cynical way. I just mean that it's good to do the right thing because it's the right thing, not because you expect to be praised for it or held on high. I've learned this lesson on a lot of different levels. It's similar to my theory that if you help someone, you shouldn't take ownership of their success, just like you shouldn't take ownership of their failures. My only hope is to help someone see their own potential and bring out their best self.

In my current position working with commercially, sexually exploited, children, it's been a struggle not to own the "failures" of kids. The times when they go back to their exploiter/pimp over and over again. My co-workers and I feel often as though we are failing these kids because we can't seem to get them out of the life. It's hard not to feel like you're doing everything wrong and aren't a good caseworker. I think when we started this specific unit, the goal was to keep kids safe, keep them off the streets and away from people who would exploit them. It's much harder than it even sounds. I have spent years working with kids who end up right back on the streets, working again. It's sad, disheartening and disappointing. You feel like a failure and they feel like they've failed you as well. It's bad all around. I've been learning recently how to redefine what I view as success. Success may not be that a kid never had to be sold for sex again, it might be that she finished her GED or that she is no longer working with a pimp, or that she has more support people to call now, or that she reconnected with family that she didn't know as well, or that she knows how to be safer and who to call when she's in danger. These are all success's and need to be celebrated as well. Success can't only be defined by the absence of being exploited. For the girls I work with, this is a very long road and much like addiction, it takes a very hard time to get out for good.

I've struggled in this position and as I've stated before, it is by far the most challenging job I've ever had but also the most rewarding. I am trying to find ways to avoid burnout (or maybe recover from burnout) and I think that celebrating small victories is one way to do it.

Boundaries...revisited.

2012-10-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a challenging day but not entirely bad. It was challenging in that I feel like I really questioned myself, my practice and had a good and honest conversation with one of my girls. We talked things out very logically and tried to problem solve. It was valuable, extremely heartbreaking and uplifting all at the same time. It left me with more questions than ever.

A few weeks ago, I took a kid out on a visit from her treatment center. When she got in the car she seemed unhappy to see me and irritated. I asked what was wrong and she said she was upset that no one comes to see her. She doesn't have any family in town, they've all been deported to Mexico and are heavily drug and gang involved. She said she was told by someone on her team (therapist, advocate etc) that she shouldn't feel too bad that I never see her because they told her I never see any of my kids. I don't know that I believe someone actually said those words but I don't doubt that is the impression she has gotten from someone who works with her. It stung though. I already feel terrible that I'm not able to see my kids more often. I also felt frustrated that someone would basically throw me under the bus like that. I told her "You're right, I don't see my kids as often as I'd like. We are suppose to see kids every 30 days. I see you at least twice as much as that and I still don't feel like it's enough." she continued to look out the window with a scowl on her face. "You people tell me to trust you and then you disappear once I'm in a locked treatment facility. You're not there for me and I'm all alone." I didn't have much of an argument for that.

I've learned my lesson with these types of conversations with kids. I never try to deny them of their feelings or attempt to go into some long diatribe to defend myself. The reality is that she's right to a certain extent. She deserves more. I told her that "You deserve so much more than we can give you. You deserve a family that is there every day of the week and people who care about you and will always be there, not just because it's their job. You're right that I can't offer you that and that someday non of those professionals (including myself) will be there. You're right and that totally sucks. But it doesn't mean that I don't care about you or that I don't feel an actual human connection to you. Just because I'm paid to do what I do, doesn't mean that I care for you any less. But you're right, you're going to have to learn how to live when we all go away. That will happen." I think she's so used to people trying to convince her that they will be there in the future that this conversation kind of shook her up. I just had to be honest though because why fill this kids head with false hope, that so many of hers seem to have already done. To do the opposite is ethically wrong.

A couple weeks after that, we had a treatment meeting and one of the first things this kid said was "I know that I'm not suppose to be attached to my treatment team but I can't help it. I don't have anyone. I don't have any family or anyone to care for me. I just want to be loved." she said this all as she began to cry. I teared up as well and had a really hard time pulling it together. The thing is that I DO love her. I DO want to be in her life forever because she's such an amazing kid. I want to be all those things for her. I wish that I could be all those things. I've been told so many times in trainings and through supervisors that we have to have boundaries with our kids etc. It's just so hard when they LITERALLY have no one else.

Today I took her out again to meet a potential foster placement. Again she was initially cold to me and we processed what she was thinking. She brought up again the fact that she couldn't get close to anyone because they would just leave her. She again brought up that her treatment team was temporary. She again teared up and looked out the window. I stopped the car and said to her "Honey, I'm so sorry. I feel like you took what I had to say a few weeks ago, really hard and I feel terrible about it. I care about you so much" She wiped her face and said "well it's true though. It's just the truth." This led into a long conversation about what is appropriate relationships to have with the professionals in your life. She said she wished that she didn't have to open up and let anyone in. I said that I was glad that she did because as someone who has to make choices about her life, I need to know who she is and what she needs and wants. I asked her what she thought would be useful and what boundaries she felt like would best serve her. She said she wished professionals would just tell her right off the bat that they were just gonna be professional with her. I agreed. I told her I would be in her life as long as I felt it was helpful to her. Even if I closed her case, she was still welcome to call me but that I might be a different kind of support than a family member or someone close. It was a tough conversation to have and really did make me worry and wonder about what the appropriate boundaries with our relationships are. We work so hard to develop these strong bonds with these kids only to potentially let them down. It's a balance I suppose. I'm just trying to figure out what the best balance is. In any case, I teared up a lot today and felt pretty horrible. I also felt honored to have such a candid conversation with one of my girls.

Vulnerability

2012-07-31T22:36:00.002-07:00

I watched several TED shows today, one of which was this one. I was very inspired and ended up watching a few other video's by Brene Brown. Her view on the world , vulnerability and shame really hit me hard. I deeply connect with what she says. Please watch this video, I guarantee you won't regret it.

Whenever I tell someone what I do for a living, they tend to say one of two things "Wow that must be hard." or "Do you see a lot of girls get out of prostitution, that must be really rewarding." I have such a hard time figuring out what to say in response. Saying it's hard is an understatement. However, I suppose there is some satisfaction that comes with someone thinking I'm capable of such hard work. Some of the issues Brown brings up are related to this; exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth. It's hard to unthink these things!

As for the question about it being rewarding. It is. This is also true. I think it's very different however than what most people think. It's not rewarding because I change children's lives and everything gets "fixed". It's rewarding mostly because of the connection and relations I build with these girls and boys. That connection really is what makes for wholehearted living. I actually haven't seen many of my kids come out healthy on the other side. It doesn't really work like that. There are small victories and rewards in doses. There are many tiny victories, many tiny failures and the only thing that makes it worth it is having a genuine connection and showing vulnerability. I am rewarded only when I know a kid trusts me enough to be honest about what is happening in their life. If I can be someone that they trust will not judge them or react poorly, that is the most rewarding thing in the world to me. With that, I'm going to leave you with a video I snagged off Brene Brown's blog....It also gives me chills!

Cutters

2012-05-31T20:14:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was fairly traumatic. I went to a treatment meeting for one of my teens. She's in a locked facility, one of may that she's been in, this one being the most secure. She's not doing well. She's probably the worst she's been in the last couple of years. She's cutting a lot more than she use to and severely depressed. Her arm look like it went through a lawn mower, cuts all the way up to her armpit. Her hygiene is the worst I've seen it- she doesn't do her makeup anymore, she doesn't care what clothes she wears and she's gained about 20lbs. Everyone is so worried about her and everyone has their own opinion on how she's doing. The treatment facility seems to think she's doing okay and I'm not sure if it's just because they don't have a frame of reference but she's clearly not doing good at all. Two months ago when we (her outside therapist and myself) requested that she be checked on a regular basis for cutting, it was never done. The answer we were given was "it's not possible." which is completely unacceptable. It would seem in a residential center for mental health, that is the LEAST they could do.

Yesterday we discussed all of these issues in our meeting. I brought my supervisor and a few other supervisors were also there to weigh in. We brought her in for the last part of it to talk to her about what we'd been talking about and how concerned we were for her and her safety. As to be expected, this was a tough conversation for her. She really wanted to be able to go off campus with a family friend and due to the worries of self harm, I couldn't approve this. While talking in the meeting, she doodled on a piece of paper, tearing the erasor off the end and pocketing the metal part that divides the erasure and the pencil.

After hearing about her inability to go off campus for a few hours, she ran out of the meeting stating she was leaving back to the her unit. She walked outside and I looked over just as I saw her residential counselor yelling and attempting to grab something from her. She began to cut herself multiple times with the metal part of the pencil, making herself bleed. At this point she wasn't listening to anyone, yelling, attempting to punch out a window of the building. Multiple staff were called and attempted to deescalate her. Unfortunately, the staff there don't have as many skills as would be desired and typically put kids in holds to keep them safe. Most of the calming happened with her long-time therapist, myself and another person who didn't actually work at the center. (basically no one who actually worked there was any help) I don't actually think it's any fault of the workers there but they clearly need more training on talking to teens. It took about two hours of listening to her scream, cut herself and just sob but she eventually gave up her "sharp" and was able to make it back to her unit. By this time however, she'd managed to reopen a lot of her cuts, along with making several new ones. Her arm was all kinds of bloody.

I made a promise to her that if she can be safe for a bit over a week, she can have a visit with her family friend. She just broke my heart, as the kids often do. I've never actually had to witness a kid cut themselves to shit, in person. She just looked so helpless and hopeless. It was certainly a time when i wanted to scoop her up in my arms and take her home with me. The last couple of days I've been feeling pretty low and having a hard time not thinking a lot of her before bed at night. I'm doing everything in my power right now to make sure there is some change at her facility or I'm going to have to move her, because i will not tolerate no action to something as serious as this. It's just horrible and so incredibly sad.

Life of Balance

2012-05-16T20:41:00.002-07:00

Okay I'm back and improved. I realized the other day that it's been almost exactly a year since I started this new position working with commercially, sexually, exploited children. Wow has this been a year of challenges. My last post I was in a period of some serious stress and feeling generally pretty horrible. I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better.

I've always realized this job would have it's ups and downs but man has it proven itself ten times over. I'm almost glad that I didn't realize how challenging it would be because I'm not sure I would of taken the job had I known. I'm very glad I did though and my heart feels full because of it. I have had such conflict about this position but in the end, the kids still really make it worth it to me. It's those relationships, even when I know I'm not serving them in the way that I wish I could, it means everything to me to have the relationship.

The biggest change that has happened over the last few months is that I've finally had time to develop really good relationships with a good majority of the kids on my caseload. It takes so much time when you don't see them that often and they're constantly on the run. It's hard to build a trusting relationship with someone you don't know. I'm happy to say I'm really getting there with a lot of my girls. Today I took a kid to an appointment and we had a great time chatting and shooting the shit. About six months ago, that never would of happened. She was so closed off to me, didn't trust anyone and was just a sad and lonely kid. I tried very hard to connect with her but it just took time. It's so rewarding to now be able to have relaxed conversations with her and see how proud of herself she is now that she's doing so well. This has happened really over the board with most my girls ad it is the most rewarding thing in the world. To be able to pull up at a treatment center/foster home/apartment and have a struggling teen girl give me a big hug and smile...it just brings me more joy than you can imagine.

Just yesterday I closed a case with a girl I've had for about a year. She's doing well, got her own apartment and is going to school. I'm going to continue to work with her for a few more weeks to get a couple things wrapped up but then she'll be on her own. I have to say I'm most happy because I won't have to deal with her mothers therapist anymore. Okay, bitch session for a moment. This woman actually said to me "I really think ==== (my youth) should come to see me because unlike most therapists I don't just put band-aids over problems, I have the tools to heal her." Well she is certainly confident. I'm sorry but would you want to go to your mothers therapist to receive counseling? Hell no, that should seem pretty obvious to me. Nothing really gets me more than ego maniacs, especially as it relates to human services. EW.

I went to visit a girl i a treatment center the other day. She's only been there a couple weeks but prior to that I'd only seen her at the ER when she'd be picked up by the police or was there for some emergency. She hated me for a good long while and during our last encounter at the ER she said "you don't care about me. You're the first one here at the hospital everytime i show up." and i had to remind her that was because i care. Now a few weeks later, I show up and she asks for a hug and says to me "can we please just go out and get coffee sometime? I hate that everytime i see you it's because something really bad is happening." My heart practically exploded! So sweet.

So yeah, life is good. I still have rough days, i've still had some very challenging court hearings but overall I've finally got a grasp on it and I think my motto for the summer is going to be "balance" and just keep trying to strike one. Onward.

The Calm After The Storm

2012-04-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

I figured this is a good time for an update. Things are eerily quiet right now at work. I have this bad habit of slacking off when I get out of crisis mode. It's hard to adjust back into just doing normal case work. There are things I could be doing right now, referral letters I could be writing or case files I could be researching. I'm trying to tell myself that if I get caught up on those things right now then I won't be so stressed out when crisis does happen. It reminds me of the way in which I spend my money. At the beginning of the month, I'm buying big dinners and drink more wine but by the end I'm scrapping by and barely able to afford anything. I think my new goal is to learn how to stretch these things out so I'm not either bored or totally stressed. Balance!

Right now however, I just have to bask in the loveliness that is a clean desk, files that are organized and an empty voicemail box. Now that is a HUGE relief.

In other news, I have been seriously considering the idea of going back to school for my masters in social work. This is both exciting and terrifying to me. I'm not entirely sure how I am going to be able to do all of this but I think it's about time I try. What I've finally decided is that I'm not playing to my strengths in doing this job. My biggest strength is my relationship building with teenagers. I love it. Nothing makes me more happy than spending time with them and hearing about their lives. I'd love it if I could leave all the bureaucracy (or at least some of it) behind and JUST be able to focus on helping children, not just pushing paperwork around and presenting at court and filling out referrals. It kills me. I'm also tired of getting constantly screamed at by clients, attorney's and judges. I'm SO SO SO over it. I've been emotionally beat down enough and I need to take some sort of step to get out of it. I think at this point, school is really the only option. Gulp, here I go, I guess?

Perspectives

2012-03-20T22:12:00.001-07:00

I just wrote a very long, sad, complaining entry and decided to hold off on it. Please excuse my absence from writing for a while. I've really got to regain some of the passion for the kids and shut out the bureaucracy that is my job. Just know that I'm hurting quite a bit right now and I truly hope to make some positive changes. I'm hoping that I get supported by my supervisor in that although have some doubts that she's really got my back at this point. I know I'm being all vague I guess I just don't want to get trapped in that complaining circle and really what I need are solutions right now.

I'm trying my hardest not to lay down and play dead because I'm sorta feeling defeated. I'll write more when I've got a better attitude. In the meant-time I'm going to watch Downton Abbey!!

Actual Good Times

2011-12-16T19:06:00.000-08:00

I'm commited to making an effort to write in this blog even when things are going well. Especially when things are going well. Work has been pretty great the last two weeks (knock on wood). It's never easy but I've been able to see some of the results of a lot of my very difficult work. I've got multiple kids in safe placements and they're actually happy to be there! YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAYYYY. Seriously, that never happens.

I've had some EXTREMELY tough situations in the last couple of months. I mean, just gut wrenching kind of stuff. I had a kid go to the psych ward and find out about a very serious medical condition. I (along with his therapist) spent many hours listening and helping him through an insane amount of trauma that he'd experienced while being sexually exploited on the streets. It was a rough time. I literally spent Thanksgiving night in the psych ward with the kid, bringing him a plate of my families food. (pat myself on the back for being a good case worker).

A few days later another youth had a baby that was removed from her care about three days after she gave birth. That was a big ol shit storm. I was scrambling to find places to put both of these kids. A treatment placement for the young boy, and a place where the girl could be with her newborn. I was fielding frantic calls left and right. I wanted to pull my hair out. My supervisor pulled me into her office at one point and said "are you ok? I'm worried you're going to come into the office one day and just quit!" yeah it was bad. This week however everything has turned around. I got a couple of kids into our new shelter program for sexually exploited youth, I found a really good treatment center for my boy and I was able to get my other girl into a residential parenting program so that she could be with her baby. What a fucking relief. You just have no idea.

I visited the girl the day after I placed her and she said to me "You know, it's actually not that bad, I was expecting it to be a lot worse!" I just wanted to cry with relief. I'm so used to kids being so unhappy it was such an amazing high to hear something good. The boy called me from treatment "do you know they'll let me smoke here!? So awesome" which I know sounds terrible but for this kid, seriously though let him have a cig, it's the LEAST of his worries at this point.

Today I had a really good conversation with this same girl. It went a little something like this. "Well I'd like to maybe have you move into that shelter. It's a great place and they work specifically with girls who've been victims of sexual exploitation." She looks at me "well to be honest, yeah I did have something bad happen to me when i was 15 but more recently, I was the one who chose to prostitute. No one really took advantage of me." I nodded " Yeah i understand you didn't say no, but didn't you tell me that one guy actually kidnapped you and made you work?" she pauses "well yeah I guess there was that one time. That was my fault though, i was too naive. He said he wasn't a pimp and I believed him. I was stupid." I say "That was not your fault. Non of this is your fault. Even if you chose to have sex with adult men and were getting all the money, it's still their responsibility as adults to NOT have sex with you. If I went up to a 17yr old boy and he agreed to have sex with me and I did, THAT would not be okay." She smiles "yeah I guess I see your point."

About an hour after having our talk, we walk past a sleazy dude. He says "hey giiiirl, what you doing?" (keep in mind she's with me and also has her brand new baby with her!) She looks back and yells to him "excuse me?! Do you know how old I am? I'm 17 years old! I'm jail bait, now get lost." I about fell over after hearing that. I patted her on the back and said "Oh man, I'm so proud of you. That was so awesome!"

It's been a long time coming but I'm starting to build relationships with these kids and it's making the job soooo much more rewarding. For once I'm not wanting to kill myself from stress. Oh it's still stressful as HELL but at least I have the sweet kids to make me feel better about it. And they are just SOOO SWEET. I just adore them all.

Healthy amount of apathy?

2011-11-07T16:25:00.000-08:00

As usual, I'm having a hard time with work. My feelings about this job switch daily. I've really been slacking off the last week and a half or so and feeling both guilty and apathetic. I probably have more issues and families to deal with than ever before. I'm stuck in the "freeze" mode right now. I learned at a training once that we have more than two trauma responses, they aren't just fight or flight, freeze is another. I feel like that is most certainly my way of coping with difficult times, stress and anxiety lately. I rarely conjure up the "fight" mechanism but often use the "flight" mode quite a bit too. I don't even know where to begin in all my work, so I often just climb into bed and cover up with a blanket, not doing anything.

I've got so much to do at work and so many people to help but I feel a bit checked out mentally right now. I've actually felt a bit apathetic. A person can only handle so many traumatic situations without just feeling like they all sort of blur together eventually. I've stopped viewing myself as 'all saving' and have been feeling more like I'm sometimes helpful but rarely critical. I suppose that is only half true but strangely it's been bringing me a bit more comfort than feeling like I'm the only one able to help someone. I think that is the difference between who I was when I came into this field and who I am now. I don't want to be critical anymore. I don't want to be the sole person responsible for saving someone and luckily I'm not. I want to help and I want to have good relationships with the families I work with. I want to be able to offer them solutions and help them to become healthy. Lately though, I feel like I'm the one that has to do all the work and it doesn't actually seem to help. The population of girls I'm working with are just so challenging to help and I feel so bad for their families when they say "do something!" and I don't have a lot of good ideas. Unfortunately you can't lock up a kid and make their problems disappear. I have a boy on my caseload right now that is pretty sure he has HIV because he's been sleeping with multiple partners who have it. I have another youth who is transgendered and isn't able to access the appropriate mental health and drug and alcohol services because of her gender identity. My brain hurts from thinking about how I could possibly help with these issues. I just don't have the energy right now. I also got a really bitchy email from a woman who use to mentor a girl on my caseload. She accused me of being the reason that this young lady won't speak to her anymore. This woman use to drive me crazy with all of her phone calls, complaining about this girls mother and that she should not be allowed to go to her home. When she told me something concerning and I brought it up with the family, she became very upset with me. I'm sick of always having to be the bad guy. I'm sorry she won't speak to you but I'm her legal guardian and you told me something that needed to be addressed, I'm not sure how I could have avoided that.

I'm also on my period and hungover so there is that. I should should probably re-assess this when I'm thinking more clearly. I'd just like to find that place in-between totally stressing out about everything, being overly sensitive vs. being completely apathetic. I'm pretty sure that place exists but I've not yet found it.

Very Young Girls

2011-11-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I finally got to go to a training put on by GEMS and run by Rachel Lloyd. She helped make the documentary Very Young Girls. I've talked about her documentary several times. She is the reason I got into this line of work. The documentary inspired me so much that I felt the NEED to get involved. It was kind of like seeing a movie star for me, except for that she stands for something that is extremely important. In my city, it's a new issue that we're just starting to deal with. Rachel has been advocating for this issue since about 1998. She has been instrumental in educating and changing legislation regarding CSEC issues. I felt like I wanted to ask for her autograph. Very good day indeed.

A Monday

2011-10-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy Monday. I'm sure glad I had some energy today because I don't think I stopped working for about 9hrs without a break. I'd like to break down a day in my job, just to give an idea of how it's all spent. Some days I really wish I was just doing therapy, or working as an advocate because I think the amount of red tape is just a tad easier to deal with in those positions. I have to admit though, it feels good to be in a position of power when you know you can make a difference in the lives of girls who may not have anyone else. Anyway, I'm getting off track.

At 9am, I drove to the suburbs where I was suppose to have a treatment meeting with one of my girls, her mother, her therapist and the care coordinator from her insurance. I arrived at the address that was given to me, and they had no record of a meeting. Unfortunately I didn't have anyone's phone numbers with me to call so I turned around and drove the 25 minutes across town to my office. When I arrived, I deduced that the therapist had given me the wrong address and the care coordinator had given me a different address that was correct. Oh well.

Prior to even walking in the door, I got a text from my supervisor. "Julie's baby is getting out of the hospital. Is there a plan?" Julie is a youth that has been exploited for years and years. She recently had a baby who has been at the hospital due to being born a few months early. Julie is soft spoken, shy and a very sweet girl. I'm still building trust with her but I think for the most part she likes me and I like her. Sometimes I get jealous of people like therapists who have the time and ability to build a more substantial relationship. As my own therapist recently pointed out though, I can't be every one of their friends and that's not really my role anyway. Although Julie is certainly not at all to blame for being exploited and abused, as an agency we have to look at how this will affect her ability to keep her own child safe. It's a really tough part of the job. You have a teen who is already so traumatized, then they have a baby and are told they might not be able to keep it or that it will at the very least, go into foster care until a more safe situation can be arranged. In this circumstance the youth is currently staying in a foster home, but the foster parent works long hours and she's not always supervised. A few weeks ago she was shot-at down the road from her house. So, long story short, the worker for her own child made the decision today to put her baby in a medical foster home, until Julie is able to enter a residential program for teen Mom's. She couldn't enter sooner because the baby isn't suppose to be around a lot of other people yet.

I spent a good majority of the day, consoling Julie and letting her know how much I knew it was probably scary to be away from her baby and that I wished there was some way I could get her into that program today. Unfortunately the direct of the program was gone today and so there was no one to do an intake.

At the same time that I got the news about the baby, I also got news that one of my girls had been raped this weekend and had gone to the ER, followed by a shelter. She is a kid who often refuses to stay in a foster home or treatment center and lives on the street. She has a very hard time staying safe. She was exploited by her "street parent" previously and forced to sleep with multiple men for money. She's been gone on "the run" for about two weeks before she was raped at a friends home. Apparently this weekend she met a guy on the Internet and he came to her friends home. After watching TV for a few hours, she tried to go to bed, he followed her and raped her. An on call worker was able to find her a temporary placement but she had to be moved again today. I had no idea where I was going to put her, except for back at the shelter. We talked a bit on the phone and I told her how sorry I was and that I was going to look at getting her into another program.

My unit also had a meeting scheduled to discuss some ideas with a few different programs who also work with this population. One is a residential program that a few of our girls are living in. The staff are not adequately trained to work with exploited kids but their working on it. We also met with our sexual assault advocates who meet regularly with the girls. After getting done with that around 4pm, I had to run out and do a home visit with a girl that reportedly had been paid to masturbate on camera for money. Luckily this girl was at home and currently doing very well, so our visit went fast.

In-between all of these things, I managed to arrange for a mental health program to go out and assess the youth who'd been raped. The hope being that she could qualify for some type of sub acute program that could stabilize her, as she tends to not stay anywhere longer than a week. She even agreed that a lock-down facility was probably necessary. Didn't happen to day but it's in the works.

Well anyway, now that I've just totally brought up everything I've had to think about today already, I think I should go watch cartoons or something. Self care, self care!

Restorative Months

2011-10-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

I think that work has been changing for the good. Well, I suppose I don't know if it's work that is changing but I'm starting to get a handle on my new'ish position and our new and complicated computer system. Yesterday I spent about an hour, just writing my to-do list. The list ended up being three pages long TYPED! I had to laugh at my complete inability to complete everything. I've gotten better at making light of those depressing realizations. I mean, it is what it is. While writing it out made me realize how much I have to do, it also made me feel a lot better just knowing I could see my progress in a tangible way.

I've been dedicating the last two months to just being kind to myself and my body in general. I went to my therapist last week and cried most of my session. It felt really good to admit how much vicarious trauma I've been experiencing these days and how overwhelmed I am in general with my job. This transition has been a very challenging one. I don't regret it for a second though. My therapist looked at me in concern and just say "it sounds like you're being abused." which after reading over my last post, I even said myself. She's such an amazing therapist and just what I need. She told me to be kind to myself and to follow my bodies reaction to things instead of listening to my "head voice". We talked a lot about mindfulness and being present in the decisions you make. I think its a really good suggestion. I've also committed to eating healthier and that seems to help a lot as well. It's easy for me to stop taking care of myself when I am so focused on caring for others. I'm sure any foster parents or social workers out there know how that is. I feel like I'm on the path to becoming more stable and understanding and doing my job a bit more efficiently.

Last night I also went to a showing of this movie at the college downtown. The makers of the movie are traveling around the nation showing it, to raise awareness. After the showing, they had a panel of speakings, one of which included my supervisor. There was however a very tense moment when someone asked "what are we doing to empower these girls?" The panalists all looked a bit worried and one said "I don't know." The entire row of people I was sitting with were therapists that I work closely with and whom counsel the girls I work with. The whole row started harshly whispering to one another "Seriously? They are seriously not going to talk about us." One therapist got up and left because she was so upset. I finally stood up and pointed out to the crowd that there was an entire group of people sitting right there, that work daily to empower the girls and give them tools to be successful. I got lots of high fives and gained some major points with the crew. YAY, awfulness avoided.

It was reaffirming to know that I still feel as passionate about these girls, as ever and feel privileged to be part of helping them. I feel like I've only touched the surface of this issue. It's actually exciting to know that there is so much to learn ahead of me. If that is one thing to be thankful for in my job is that it's never boring and it's also a constant learning process that requires you to be humble. I hope everyone else is taking care of themselves. I'm going to go chug some water because I feel like I'm always dehydrated and am working on "taking care of myself" ;)

Oh I almost forgot, my supervisor is getting a Snoodle dog and is hoping to make it a therapy dog for our unit. I asked her jokingly if it was therapy for us or our girls. She said both! Here is what a snoodle looks like! OMG so cute!!

Don't tell me "It's time for a new job"

2011-08-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

This week I; found out that one my favorite kids is not only being exploited but also being the exploiter for another, younger child on my caseload. I had a foster parent give up on a kid after less than a month because she was "too hard." the kid cried and said "This is the six foster home that's kicked me out. why should i even try. I just want to go home." I spent several days trying to find her a new foster home, only to be met with great resistance from all the foster care certifiers. When I was offered a really crappy home, I said "no thanks, we need to keep looking." they didn't like that answer. I got several more emails telling me "We don't have the luxury of being picky so you need to take the ones you've given." translation; we gave you a name of one foster parent that you could use and we don't want to continue to work on it. I found my foster parent (with no help), a better one. I moved the kid and all of her belongings.

Today I made an appointment with a relative who at the last minute called and changed the meeting location. I did not receive the message so I went to the original location....he was not there. When I returned to the office and called him, he stated "I don't want to do this anymore. What good is it going to do to have an appointment. Nothing is being done." I'd already made referrals for several agencies, non of which he'd followed up with. I could hear his girlfriend in the background screaming. She said "give me the phone!" and proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN FOR YOU TO DO SOMETHING. THIS IS BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU...ETC..." when i asked, logically "Um, who is this?" she responded "Non of your fucking business who this is." well actually it is.

I spent about four hours in the emergency room the other day with a kid who'd been beaten up pretty badly by her friend. The reasons are still fairly foggy but all having to do with sexual exploitation. The same youth got tested for std's and had anal clamitia, for the third time in a row. I got a new assessment to follow up on, having to do with a youth getting paid to take pornographic photographs and masturbate on camera. I got another one with a girl that has disappeared and is most likely in CA somewhere with her pimp and has a younger sibling at home is also in danger of being trafficked.

Today I just cracked. I'm sensitive but I can usually build a wall that's able to handle the strain at least a bit. After being screamed at, especially after attempting to help someone took me a bit over the edge. I packed my bag, I slipped on my flip flops, I got in my car and I drove an hour east to a little surf town. I drove to the marina, pulled out my book and purse, walked to the water, set my stuff down and then jumped in with all my clothes on. I felt a bit self conscious that the group of people a few yards away. What must they be thinking about this weird girl, all alone going into the water with her clothes on. Luckily it was windy and I was able to dry off mostly. I felt better I thought. I got a beer and some food. I met a friend in the town that i hadn't seen in a while and she convinced me to cross the toll bridge, to the bar across the river. On my return ride, I forgot about paying and got a bit of a tiny scolding from the toll collector. "Don't you know this is a toll bridge? What are you doing?" I looked away embarrased "I know, I just thought you only had to pay one way, I paid my way over, I wasn't sure." He rolled his eyes and after paying, allowed me to go through. Again...the straw that broke the camels back. I was irrationally upset about this snide remard and began to bawl. Not a light cry but a sob, deep down, eyes welling up and I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. I looked down at my slowly increasing waist line, looked in the mirror at my tired face and just felt pure exhaustion and fatigue. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship and it's only when I threaten to leave that I start to feel ok about it and then the abuse happens all over again. I don't want to hear "It's time to get a new job." I just don't want to hear it. I just don't know what I can do anymore to make myself feel better and to not feel like I'm constantly abusing myself or getting abused by others emotionally. The tender heart that makes me so good at what i do, is also what makes it so hard for me. There is no easy answer, i just needed to write that out. It's been a long day.

camping gone wrong

2011-08-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

I went camping last week. My summer goal has been to actually make plans to leave town. I have a bad habit of sort of just waiting for people to plan things for me. It was so perfect. The weather was great, we had a beautiful spot reserved in a lush forest just a few miles away from a hot springs. I managed to round up about six friends, which always seems impressive as my friends tend to be a bit flaky.

I took Friday off of work and made my way up the mountain. My cell phone reception went out about an hour into the drive, much to my satisfaction. Forced isolation is really good for me. I have such a hard time not responding to people when they call, text or email. I immediately think "what if they need me? What if it's important?!" So having no option is a good option.

The first night was great. We roasted marshmallows, we drank beer, we sat around the fire chatting and laughing. It was everything I love about camping. The following day however, we ended up driving around for hours looking for a store and during that time, we got into cell phone range. I couldn't help but check. I had two missed calls, one from a friend needing something and another from my supervisor. "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Laura had her baby. She's obviously still at the hospital because she was only seven months pregnant. Please call me." in a moment I had a surge of panic and dread run through my body. Laura was a young lady who'd recently gotten safely back in town after being sexually trafficked down to CA and beaten very badly by her pimp. We were able to find her and get her back only two weeks prior. The poor thing had gone through so many terrible things, being prostituted while seven months pregnant, being one of them. Since being back in town she refused to enter any sort of parenting program or safe placement. She was a sweet girl- quiet, polite, interesting. As most of my girls, I really like her.

I went from relaxed camper to anxious and unsettled. I just wanted to work. I had a thought of leaving early and going to the hospital so I could visit her, make sure she was ok, make sure her baby was OK. This was not a circumstance I was prepared for, as we hadn't thought she'd be giving birth for a few more months. She was a youth that I had still been building a relationship with, whom at this point was pretty guarded. I didn't like the feeling that I was going to have to let it go and keep on doing what I was doing. My instinct was to stop my life to deal with someone's else, even on my day off and when I was camping. I made the choice not to call back. My supervisor has made it clear that if she calls on the weekend we don't have to call her back. I had so many questions; was the child taken into DHS custody? Will she be in the hospital for a long time? Is my kid ok? What can I do?! I wouldn't know and I resented even knowing as much as I did.

It was too late though, my feelings of freedom and relaxation were sucked from my body so quickly. The long drive with no store in sight did not help either. I drove
back to the campsite, trying my hardest to talk myself out of feeling stressed and worried. The only sense of comfort that I could muster was that I was not the most important person in the world and someone else would deal with it. It's so easy to convince yourself sometimes that you're holding the world up alone. The reality is that there are plenty of other adults that helped her that weekend. I'm sure I could of been of help but me not being there was certainly not the end of the world.

Once we got back to the camping site I forced myself down in a lawn chair away from everyone else, stuck in my earphones and listened to a meditation cd. Self care is pretty much my goal of the year. I had to struggle to identify and allow myself to feel crappy and then let the feelings pass naturally.

I had therapy today as well. As a side note, I believe that everyone doing any stressful job should be required to do therapy. I love it! My therapist is the best ever and she always has a way of making me feel validated and assisting me in looking at things in a different light. She made me look at my life and realize that I put a lot out there and don't get a lot support back for myself. We discussed my problems with overeating, drinking etc. She made me realize how much I need to be nurtured but I'm so busy taking care of everyone else to get that need met. For an assignment she has asked me to go through my days activities and rate each on on a scale from 1-5 in regards to how much each activity makes me want to; drink, have sex or eat food (my coping mechanisms). It's an interesting idea. I laughed "well that will be easy. Five's all down the line." I'm going to try it though. Really trying to get a handle on this vicarious trauma that seems to be so strong since changing positions. I'm getting there.

More trauma

2011-06-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

This will be the fourth time I've written and re-written this blog entry. I have to be careful with these stories and their intentions and purpose and I don't want to further exploit any of the girls I work with.

I've been going through a rough time the last week or so. One of my favorite girls got her kid taken from her last weekend. She's my bright and shining star. I'd adopt her if I could. Even though she's 20, she still needs that loving and supportive parent that she never had. More now than ever. She was taken from her own parents at a young age, placed in foster care (where she was further abused) and then in an adoptive home, who also abused her and eventually abandon her. It breaks my heart that someone could abandoned such a lovely girl. It leaves me confused and livid. She's so charismatic and charming. She's got a slight lisp and is affectionate and darling. I simply love her. I told her that if I didn't get hired into the new unit that they'd have to rip her from my dead hands. She loves hearing me say that and laughs every time.

Yola was reqruited by a pimp when she was 14 and has been in the life since. She had some remarkable changes when she got pregnant. She completed an inpatient treatment program, went into a foster home and eventually go her very own apartment and started beauty school. Then she fell. I don't know if it was because she was struggling financially or if she was approached by people she knew in the life or what really caused it but she went back. For this and a few other concerns, her child was removed from her care last weekend. Her child is her life and I've never felt so insanely sad for someone else. I've built up a pretty strong barrier to situations like this but this time, my wall just wasn't thick enough. It was a little too real. I know how much she loves that kid and how important he is to her. He has been her whole world since his birth. Listening to her say that maybe he was better off not being with her and To watch her let him go, made me realize how deep in she must be. She'd never let him go if something or someone didn't have some control over her. I don't know what exactly is going on but I suspect that she's got a new pimp and is further in the life that I'd thought. It scares me for her and I just hope she'll be ok. I worry about her constantly. Luckily she's in good contact with me. She texts me almost everyday and checks in. I've just continue to let her know how much I care for her and that I'm there for her when she needs me. I let her know what a strength it is that she continues to be in touch with the people that love her. It's hard though, I know I'm suppose to keep some professional boundaries but she's slowly become my kid. I'm her person. I'm one of the only responsible adults in her life and it makes me feel so so sad for her.

I know how important it is to keep professional boundaries but it's so challenging when you're dealing with human beings. This is not just a job, these are real relationships. I don't care if I get paid for this, she's still my girl, just like so many other girls.

Healthy families

2011-05-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

I've started watching real cheesy, family type sitcoms recently. I just realized that when you deal with trauma and family devastation everyday, it's just so nice to see a healthy and happy family. I enjoy watching a family who's biggest problem is that their kid might go to a less prestigious college than they'd like. I use to hate that kind of stuff when I was younger, thinking it was an unrealistic view on family life and self righteously felt like there needed to be something more realistic and true to the problems so many families face. Now I totally disagree with my younger self. After working all day with Dads who beat their wives and kids, Mom's who are addicted to meth, grandparents that sexually abuse their grandchildren, adoptive parents who abandon their teenager when they most need them, kids who are being sold for sex and children who've grown up with foster parents and caseworkers as parents, I just want to watch someone who's happy. I want to remember that good people are out there and that healthy families exist.

I'm SO fortunate to have my own healthy family. When we get together as a family I look around and observe that I do have a fun, sweet, loving, happy family and those sitcoms are not totally unrealistic because my own family is pretty great. I sometimes actually get teary eyed just thinking how insanely lucky I've got it. I appreciate that the biggest fight my sister and I will get into will be about how she didn't put enough corn meal on the pizza peal and now it's stuck (if you're reading this Karen, it's true, you didn't!) and that we can joke about Grandma getting drunk and causing problems because we know that it's seriously a joke. I no longer feel guilty that I have these things and others don't. I just feel so, so grateful and more inspired to help others achieve what I so happily have.

I've been on a Cosby Show marathon today. I wish there were more sitcoms like this currently. So cute.

New beginning

2011-05-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

It took about a month but I finally got word that I am indeed one of the four people picked to start the first unit of child welfare dedicated to stopping the commercial, sexual exploitation of children. I felt fairly confident that I'd get the job prior to my interview but as I got closer to the interview I started to realize that their were indeed several other caseworkers who also had experience working with sexually exploited youth. The interview process was stressful in itself. It was a group interview with three other people. The interview panel was made up of the supervisor, a police officer and three other workers from an outside advocacy agency that works with these girls as well. I appreciated that they sought out the approval of the agencies we'll be working closely with. They gave us a list of questions which as a group we decided we'd take turns answering independently. I felt fairly confident in my answers but was very much impressed with everyone else in my group as well. It started to stress me out because there were only four positions and I knew that there were about 15 other workers that applied, all fairly qualified.

It took them several weeks to offer any of the workers a position. At one point I was convinced that I wasn't going to get it and got overwhelmingly mad. I realized at that point how much this means to me. I had a thought that I'd have to give up the CSEC cases that I was already working and had relationships with. I envisioned myself saying "over my dead body you're going to take this kid from me. I've worked with her for three years. No WAY!" of course, even if I didn't get the job, I'm sure they wouldn't have taken those cases from me. It did fuel my fire more thinking about it though. I couldn't believe what a mistake they'd made by not hiring me. A couple of days later the supervisor informed me that she'd not been able to offer anyone a job yet because of some kind of upper management issue. I felt pretty dumb for getting all worked up.

A couple of days ago she offered me the job and today informed me of the other three people she'd hired. I'm SOOO EXCITED about this new position and the great work we're going to do. I get to keep all of the cases that I already love and pass on the ones I don't really care for. My current unit is a little sad to see me go but I'm sure it will be nice for them to get another worker who actually works the same kind of cases. I can't wait to be in a group of woman who are all doing the same kinds of cases and have the ability to have other brains to pick and ideas to share. It's really a very exciting time. I also found out today that my start date will be on March 31st! Here i come!!

New Position

2011-03-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

I think I've figured out the way to avoid burnout...continue to move positions. This has actually helped me so far. I started out working in what we call a young childrens unit about five years ago. That position was insane. If you go back a while in my blogs and you'll see what I mean. However, it was also harder because I was brand spankin new to the social work world and more naive than ever. I'm proud of myself for really sticking it through though. So many days crying at the office, so many nights unable to sleep, thinking about a child or parent that I just couldn't do enough for. I find things a lot easier now and have a much bigger handle on my own emotional reaction to the events that happen at work.

Having said that, I'm getting burnt out again. I have almost an entire caseload of teen Mom's, as well as commercially, sexually exploited children (child prostitutes aka CSEC)Not only do I have a caseload that is made up as such, but I'm the only one in my unit of workers who does (of my own choice however). If there is anything I've learned over the last five years of doing this, it's that having a good supervisor and supportive unit is key to this job. Luckily I have a wonderful group to work with, unfortunately they're mostly carrying a very different kind of caseload and don't always relate to the work and clientele I work with. I do wish sometimes I had someone else around that I could talk to about my cases who carried a similar caseload.

This leads me to my actual point. My agency just announced that they're creating an entire unit to work specifically with CSEC kids! This is SUPER exciting to me. One, because it's hugely needed in our area, two because I really enjoy working these kinds of cases and would love to be able to join an entire unit that is specific to this population. It's a very complicated group to work with and I think it's a very smart idea having it be a specialized unit, with specialized training. It's interesting to go back in my blog and read about when I first watched the documentary, Very Young Girls. It really changed my life and led me down the path to where I am now. I never thought this would be the population I'd end up working with but it doesn't really surprise me either. It's an exciting month. I can't wait to interview for one of these positions and would be pretty surprised if i didn't get it, seeing as I already do the job. Please send me good thoughts.

Hope everyone else is out having fun this Saturday night instead of writing about social work like me. ha.

The Reality

2011-02-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

I've gotten out of the habit of keeping up with this blog. I've been working on my food blog, playing music, getting lots of new cases at work, started dating a new person. It's been a busy time. I do think it's important for me to occasionally come back here though and I hope some of you will continue to read and comment on my blog. It's nice to have a community on the internet that I can share these work and life stories with. It helps get some validation that I don't always get from my clients or my co-workers.

I know that I act and write a bit snarky and sarcastic at times.I hope what does come across is that it's my coping tool. My boss and I sat and read a letter from a Dad on my caseload who is in prison. We had to laugh as we read out loud the things he said. Quotes such as "I know I have a violent history but it's only because I beat up "rapeos" and wife beaters." another little gem was "I don't go looking to date young girls, I will admit that i had a "little problem" with meth but I'm clean now and it's not just because I'm in prison." It's just so completely absurd. I believe in change but when you're in prison and you can't even acknowledge the things that you've done to get there, continue to make excuses and minimize your behavior, all I can do is laugh instead of wanting to punch you in the face. Yeah ok, in a year your kid will be three and you still won't be out of prison, he's never met you and he's bonded with the family he's with because you've been gone committing violent crimes. But sure, come on over and start parenting him now! That makes a lot of sense. Then there is the other side of me that does realize this man was in our system himself. I don't know for sure, but I can bet that he probably had some pretty horrible experiences in foster care and that his own parents were not there for him. How would he have any idea of how to live his life and parent in a positive way? We all make our own choices but some of us just have more opportunities.

Many friends and others have told me to get another job. They hear the cynicism in my voice and the frustration. They worry about my own ability to handle it day in and day out. They are -appropriately so- concerned that I'd be happy and healthier doing something else. I do agree to an extent but what the hell would that other thing be? There isn't a lot of other options out there. It's not the same as working as a waitress and moving on to something else. This is my career and one that I've spent a lot of time developing. I'm still passionate about it and do get lots of gratification out of it. I'm not trying to convince myself or anyone else that it's a great and mentally healthy experience. It's not always. Then again, what job is? The level of stress at most jobs is probably less but the rewards are also less. I get to help someone change their life....or not. I see that as kind of a blessing. I get to part of your life and watch as it develops. It's both sad, beautiful and emotionally overwhelming.

My friends and family hear me bitch about my cases all of the time and they always shake their head and say "get a new job." and then I feel incredibly guilty for complaining and retort "But I LOVE my job and I love the kids I work with." ha, it's just so funny, I suppose people would have no idea how great it can be. Maybe I should stop complaining? I don't know. If I like my job and feel it important, is it maybe bad that I bitch about it so much? Should I be allowed? Am I just a big whiner!? Sometimes it feels like someone talking shit about your little sister. Only you can do that!

Never enough

2011-02-15T21:23:00.000-08:00

Another crappy day in child welfare, almost had to take a newborn from a Mother, two days after she gave birth. That is literally the WORST feeling EVER. Even when you know it's for the safety of the child and that you've done what you can do to help them, it's just such a horrible feeling. It's been a while since I've been in that position. We were able to work out a safety plan with the Mother to keep her daughter with her. However prior to figuring it out, I heard a lot of accusations, such as; "you haven't helped me. I keep asking for help and you've done nothing. I've found my own services, you're suppose to be my caseworker etc..."

I do feel like I did almost everything I could do for her and that she made some bad decsions, however when someone says that to you, you can't help but wonder if they're right. Did I not help her enough? Should I have been in better touch? Should I have been more clear about my expectations. I thought I was. I sat down with her a number of times and explained what she needed to do. I thought she understood but its apparent she either doesn't understand or doesn't care. It's such a shitty position to be in. Why couldn't she have just stayed in that wonderful domestic violence shelter that offered classes? Instead she decided to leave and stay with a couple of random people who I didn't know. Regardless of who's fault it is, it just is so horrible to have to go to a hospital with the potential to remove a newborn. I will never ever get used to that and just hate it so much. The stupid hospital social worker did not help either. "I'm not with them. i'm here to help YOU." hey fuck you bitch, I'm hear to help them too but you're certainly not helping the situation. I resent that. That is not helpful to anyone. Anyway, tough day.

The Christmas Grinch

2010-12-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

One of the teens on my caseload said yesterday "They're all being Christmas Grinch's to me". Being a worker at DHS around the holiday season feels very much like being a "grinch". Unfortunately just because it's Christmas, does not eliminate the safety threats that have been identified for these parents. I've heard multiple statements this week of "You're ruining my Christmas, this is going to be the worst Christmas I've ever had." and I'm sure they're right, it might just be. Although I know it's not really my fault they can't be safe enough to be unsupervised with their kid, it still makes me feel bad for them.

In addition to dealing with all of that kind of drama, I've also just generally developed a bad attitude about Christmas. I guess I can be a little negative sometimes. I know I should be thankful for all the generous donations that people make for our kids during the holiday but instead I feel resentment and irritation about the lack of support year round. Our abused kids, our poor families do not need more junk to fill up their homes. I see this time and time again. The most neediest of children tend to have almost MORE expensive toys than the average kid. I think it stems from guilt. Guilt from their parents for their lack of positive parenting and guilt from society in general because of the lack of support year round. There is something that just really pisses me off about reading a huge evaluation with disclosures of sex abuse, physical violence, poor living conditions and neglect and than going to see the family and hear about the huge xbox the abusive step-dad bought his step-daughter. That's really great that she now has an expensive xbox, I'm sure that's really going to take away the years of fucked up emotional problems that she is going to have as a result of being sexually abused by you. Thanks. Ok, rant over. Sorry ya'll, have a good Christmas.