Software Jokes

Marriage Quotes

2013-03-17T05:46:00.002-07:00

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the
only thing in life!!

–Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

–Oscar Wilde

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.

–Sam Kinison

Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
–H. L. Mencken

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why..

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife

you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.

–Anonymous
(Too good!!! Hehehehehe)

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? ” She said,”Somewhere I have never been!” I told her,
“How about the kitchen?”

–Anonymous

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
(:P :P :P)

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then

the mud fell off.

–Anonymous
(:P :P :P)

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too
late for the garbage?”
Following her down the street I yelled, “No, jump in.”

–Anonymous

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses

to get to married.

He says “the wedding rings look like miniature

handcuffs… ..”–Anonymous

If your dog is barking at the back door and your

wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course… at least he’ll shut up after u

let him in!–Anonymous

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly

parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was

diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be

praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ‘Why did u have to

die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said,

“Sir,

I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this

demonstration of pain in is

more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A

child? A parent?”The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then

replied “My wife’s first husband.”

……(Woah!!! Ha ha ha ha!!)

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband

leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned

over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned

for a while but then smiled “It really works ! “

Software Engineer Husband

2013-03-16T01:06:00.001-07:00

Software Engineer…nice one…enjoy

Husband – hi dear, i am logged in.
Wife – would you like to have some snacks
Husband – hard disk full.

Wife – have you brought the saree.
Husband – bad command or file name.

Wife – but i told you about it in morning
Husband – erroneous syntax, abort,retry,cancel.

Wife – hae bhagwan !forget it where’s your salary.
Husband – file in use,read only,try after some time.

Wife – atleast give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.

Husband – sharing violation,access denied.

Wife – i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless.
Husband – by default.

Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to reboot

Wife – what is the relation between you & your receptionist?

Husband – the only user with write permission.

Wife – what is my value in your life?

Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer?

Husband – too many parameters.

Wife – i will go to my dads house.

Husband – program performed illegal operation,it will close.

Wife – i will leave you for ever.

Husband – close all programs & log out for another user

Wife – it is worthless talking to you.

Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going

Husband – its now safe to turn off your computer.

Installing Husband

2013-03-16T00:51:00.003-07:00

INSTALLING HUSBAND!

A woman writes to the IT Technical support…..

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 toHusband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in theflower and jewellery applications , which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5 andPersonal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 ,MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried runningNagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Wife 1.0

REPLYDEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind,Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command:ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update .

If that application works as designed,Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applicationsJewellery 2.0 andFlowers 3.5…However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall theBoyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software
to improve memory and performance.

We recommend:Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Indian Engineers

2013-03-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

One day three Indian engineers, a mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer, and a software engineer are in a car that breaks down.
The mechanical engineer says: “Maybe it’s a stuck valve”.
The electronic engineer says: ”Maybe the wiring problem”.
The software engineer says: ”I know. Let’s all get out and get back in again, and see if that fixes it’

Software Engineer Joke Sms

2013-03-16T00:35:00.000-07:00

Software Engineer Funny
Height of a Software Engineer:- A software engineer slips from the roof of the building and shouts F1 F1 F1 instead of HELP! HELP! HELP! Funny Software Engineer..

Funny Joke Sms
A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other: ” So, which platform are you working on?”

Software Engineer Funny Conversation
Pappu: Hey…. whats time now?
Bholu: System time or local time…??

Pappu: Hey… I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Bholu: May be, the internal buses are on strike…

Pappu: We have shifted our home to RK Puram now…
Bholu: Right shift or Left shift??

Tamil Software Engineer Jokes

2013-03-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

If Software Engineers Produce Films,
How will they Name them.?

7 GB
Hard Disk Colony.

YENAKKU 20 MB
UNAKKU 18 MB.

Pudhukottayil Irundhu
VIRUS

Kaalamellam
Anti VIRUS Vaazhga

VIRUS’ai’
Vettaiyaadi Villaiyaadu.

Solla Marandha PASSWORD.

2013-03-12T08:08:00.001-07:00

'To make money we lose our health and then to restore our health we lose money.
We live as if we are never going to die and we die as if we never lived'

Does God Really Exist??????

2013-03-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things." The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:

"You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.

"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed.

"Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me." "Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

Does God Really Exist??????

2013-03-12T08:04:00.002-07:00

"You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.

"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed.

"Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

Did you know ?

2013-03-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

*1. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.*

*2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.*

*3. The name of the entire continents end with the same letterthat they start with.*

*4. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.*

*5. Most lipstick contains fish scales.*

*6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using theletters on one row of the keyboard.*

*7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!*

*8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.*

*9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.*

*10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,your heart stops for a millisecond. *

*11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.*

*12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be thetoughest tongue twister in the English language.*

*13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try tosuppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neckand die.*

*14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.*

>Spades - King David

>Clubs - Alexander the Great

>Hearts - Charlemagne

>Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

*15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 (count out the answer)*

*16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legsin the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a resultof wounds received in battle. If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of naturalcauses. *

*17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers andlaser printers all have in common?Answer - All invented by women.*

*18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?Answer - Honey*

*19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.*

*20. A snail can sleep for three years.*

*21. All polar bears are left handed.*

*22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olivefrom each salad served in first-class. *

*23. Butterflies taste with their feet.*

*24.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.*

*25.In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. *

*26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.*

*27. Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump'.*

*28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.*

*29. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. *

*30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.*

*31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps o squirtblood 30 feet.*

*32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could haveover a million descendants. *

*33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria inyour ear by 700 times.*

Truth about Software Industry- Read on...Pretty true...

2011-08-24T01:59:00.001-07:00

Nautanki Politicians.........JUST GO THROUGH THIS MAIL

2011-08-23T03:31:00.001-07:00

Proud Products Of India…….

Have A desire to change the nation.

Politician's drama

mail of the week… Natak

Mr. Rahul Gandhi do this work just for an hour....without media.
Then tell us what you got...
If you really want to Change our India....No need to show us.....
We will follow you......Definitely.

"Karunaa"Nidhi Fasting

First time in the world history fasting only 4 hours and that too with an AC …….
This is the comedy of the year 2009….Fasting starts after breakfast and ending before lunch. Interesting one!!

Dont forget to forward this mail, We have to show these type of drama's to everyone

grow up to be an indian

சாப்ட்வேர் மாப்பிள்ளை தேடும் பெண்களுக்கு!....

2011-08-17T07:33:00.001-07:00

பெண்களின் மனம் - அவர்களுக்கே புரியாத ஒன்று பாவம் அதில் எப்படி
கிடைக்கும் - ஆண்களுக்கு இடம் ஒன்று அதனால் அவர்கள் மனம் புரிதலே நன்று!!

சாப்ட்வேர் மாப்பிள்ளை தேடும் பெண்களுக்கு!....

வித்யா : என்னடி திடீர்னு ஃபோன் பண்ணியிருக்க என்ன விஷயம்?

நித்யா: வீட்ல மாப்பிளை பார்க்கலாம்னு நிறைய இடத்துல ரிஜிஸ்டர் பண்ணாங்க
இல்லை? நிறைய ஜாதகமா வந்திருக்கு. அதுல 4-5 ஒத்து வர மாதிரி இருக்கு. எதை
செலக்ட் பண்ணலாம்னு தெரியலை. அதான் குழம்பி போய் இருக்கேன்.

வித்யா : என்ன குழப்பம்?

நித்யா : நிறைய சாப்ட்வேர் இஞ்சினியருங்க ஜாதகம் வந்திருக்கு. இப்ப
எல்லாம் சாப்ட்வேர் இஞ்சினியருங்க வேற ஃபீல்ட்ல இருக்கற

பொண்ணுங்களை தான் கல்யாணம் பண்ணிக்கனும் யோசிக்கறாங்களாம். அதான் இதுல
யாரை செலக்ட் பண்றதுனு தெரியல. நீதான் சாப்ட்வேர் இஞ்சினியராச்சே.
எனக்கு கொஞ்சம் சஜஷன் சொல்லு.

வித்யா : சொல்லிட்டா போகுது. ஒவ்வொருத்தரும் என்ன பொசிஷனு சொல்லு.

நித்யா: முதல் மாப்பிள்ளை மேனஜரா இருக்காரு.

வித்யா : மேனஜரா? அப்படினா எப்பவுமே எதோ பிஸியா இருக்கற மாதிரி ஒரு
பில்ட் அப் கொடுப்பாரு. ஆனா உருப்படியா ஒண்ணும் செய்ய மாட்டாரு. ஒரு கிலோ
அரிசில ஊருக்கே சாப்பாடு செய்ய சொல்லுவாரு. ஆட்டுக்கறி வாங்கிட்டு வந்து
கொடுத்துட்டு சிக்கன் 65 செய்ய சொல்லுவாரு. அது முடியாதுனு சொன்னாலும்,
ஒத்துக்க மாட்டாரு. எப்படியாவது ராத்திரி பகலா கஷ்டப்பட்டு உழைச்சாவது
அதை செஞ்சி முடிக்கனும்னு சொல்லுவாரு. வேணும்னா நைட் கேப் (cab) அரெஞ்ச்
பண்றனு சொல்லுவாரு. டேய் ராத்திரி பகல் முழிச்சா மட்டும் எப்படிடா செய்ய
முடியும் கேட்டாலும் ஒத்துக்க மாட்டாரு.

வித்யா: ஆஹா. அவ்வளவு ஆபாத்தானவரா? அப்ப நம்ம எஸ்கேப். அடுத்து
இருக்கறவரு டெஸ்ட் இஞ்சினியரு.

நித்யா: இவரு அவரை விட ஆபத்தானவரு. எது செஞ்சாலும் அதுல இருக்கற குறையை
மட்டும் கரெக்டா சொல்லுவாரு. நீ பத்து வெரைட்டி சமைச்சு அவரை அசத்தனும்னு
நினைச்சாலும் அதுல எதுல உப்பு கம்மியா இருக்குனு மட்டும் சொல்லுவாரு.
நல்லா இருக்குனு எதுவுமே சொல்ல மாட்டீங்களானு கேட்டா, நல்லா செய்ய
வேண்டியது தான் உன் வேலை. அதனால அதை எதுக்கு சொல்லனும்னு கேட்பாரு. ரொம்ப
நல்லவரு.

வித்யா: அப்ப இவருக்கும் நோ சொல்லிடலாம். அடுத்து இருக்கறவரு
பெர்ஃபார்மன்ஸ் டெஸ்ட் இஞ்சினியராம்.

நித்யா : இது அதுக்கும் மேல. எல்லாமே நல்லா இருந்தாலும், இதை செய்ய
இவ்வளவு நேரமானு கேட்பாரு. காபி போட 10 நிமிஷமாச்சுனா, காபி நல்லா
இருக்கானு பார்க்க மாட்டாரு. 5 நிமிஷத்துல போட வேண்டிய காப்பியை 10
நிமிஷமா போட்டிருக்கனு சத்தம் போடுவாரு. நீங்க சொல்றது இன்ஸ்டண்ட் காபி,
நான் செஞ்சது பில்டர் காபினு சொன்னாலும் கேட்க மாட்டாரு. அதே மாதிரி தான்
எல்லா வேலைக்கும். அப்ப நீ மேக் அப் பண்ற நேரத்துக்கு நீ எல்லாம் இவரை
யோசிக்கவே கூடாது.

வித்யா: அப்ப சாப்ட்வேர் மாப்பிளையே வேண்டாம்னு சொல்றியா?

நித்யா: யார் அப்படி சொன்னா? சாப்ட்வேர்லயே இளிச்ச வாய் கூட்டம் ஒண்ணு
இருக்கு. அது தான் டெவலப்பர் கூட்டம். எவ்வளவு அடிச்சாலும் தாங்கிக்கும்.

வித்யா: அவுங்களை பத்தி சொல்லேன்.

நித்யா: நீ எதுவுமே செய்ய வேண்டாம். எல்லாமே இவுங்களே செஞ்சிடுவாங்க. நாம
பின்னாடி இருந்து உற்சாகப்படுத்தினா போதும். ஆனா இவுங்க கிட்ட இருக்கற
பிரச்சனை என்னனா எது கேட்டாலும் தெரியும்னு சொல்லிடுவாங்க. நம்ம
"அறிவாளி" படம் தங்கவேல் பூரி சுட்ட கதை மாதிரி. அப்படினாலும் ஓ.கே தான்.
எவ்வளவு அடிச்சாலும் தாங்கிக்குவாங்க. ஆனா அடிச்சிட்டு அடிச்சிட்டு "நீ
ரொம்ப நல்லவனு"சொல்லனும். அவ்வளவு தான்.

வித்யா: இது சூப்பரா இருக்கே. அப்ப அந்த மாதிரி மாப்பிளையை தேடிடுவோம்...

Software Read on...Pretty true...

2011-08-12T09:08:00.001-07:00

Computer funny Jokes

2011-04-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

The 10 Commandments of Email
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. (oopps, there are actually 11 commandments!)

The User's Prayer
Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my puter from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!

Amen

The I Love You Virus
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:

- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

- The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.

- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

- The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.

- The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.

- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

- The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.

- The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.

- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.

- The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your computer--if you're willing to pay the right price.

- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.

- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

- The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.

The Birth of Yahoo
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay, " he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

Tomato Millionaire
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Too Late Now
User : Hello, my computer is reporting a fatal error!

Support : Well there's nothing we can do now, you should have called us when it was still critical!

Year 2000 Anxiety
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it " and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive ". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific, " said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well, " said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

Computer Terms - Software Terms - IT Terms - Internet Terms

2011-04-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

Computer Programmer "one liners" jokes

2011-04-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

'Hello World!' 17 errors, 31 warnings
It compiled? The first screen came up? Ship it! (Bill Gates)
1024x768x256 Sounds like one mean woman
2B OR NOT 2B = FF
A bad day: 'Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)'
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Bad or Missing Sysop. Free files in all areas.
Best 3D game? DOOK. I mean DUME.
C:\PROGRAMS\FAULTY\TRASH\SICKJOKE\WINDOWS>
Canadian DOS: 'Yer sure, eh? [Y,n]'
CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
Coming soon: Doom III - What The Hell?
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: COMPLETE mean?
DEVICE=LIFE LOCKED@AGE25 HEALTH=PERFECT
Earth is shutting down in five minutes - please save all files and log out
Error 109: Error 108
ERROR! Windows found! Formatting Drive C:!
Ever noticed how fast Windows run? Me neither
Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades
File not found. Nobody leave the room!
Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans
Honey, I Formatted The Kid!
I t#ld yo#, 'Never#touch #he flop#y disk s#rface!'
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer
Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue
Insert Mouse into drive A: and press any key
JESUS SAVES; the rest of us better make backups.
Life's too short to use a slow modem
LSD: The ULTIMATE in Virtual Reality
Error: Floppy not responding. Format drive C: instead [Y/N]?
MafiaDOS: 'Thisa you lasta chance [Y/N]'?
Moderator not found. Begin flame war [Y,n]?
MOUSE.DRV not found, use RAT.DRV instead?
On a hacker's tombstone: CONNECT 1964 - NO CARRIER 1994
Only XT users know that January 1, 1980 was a Tuesday.
Out of paper on drive D:
Press ESC to enter or Enter to escape
Real_men_don't_need_spacebars.
REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y,n] ?
Southern DOS: Y'all Reckon? (Yep/Nope)
The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
The Ultimate Virus: A self installing copy of 'Win95'.
The world is coming to an end-please log off.
There is a bomb on the premises. Please PANIC immediately.
This copy of planet Earth has been unregistered for 4 billion years
Track 0 bad?? Don't worry, there's lots of others
Troubleshooting Shortcut #1: Shoot the trouble!
Unknown Error on Unknown Device for Unexplainable Reason
User Failure: Please Insert a Bootable Brain.
Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of WINDOWS
Will Write Login Scripts For Food
Windows 6345634.45a: please insert disk 95 of 5645
Windows 8783837773.2c! We finally got it right. (Bill Gates)
Windows: the $89 solution to your excess speed problem
WindowsError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
WindowsError:042 This virus requires Microsoft Windows.
Your brain doesn't have enough memory, please make a boot disk
Machines should work. People should think.

EARNEST REQUEST-Do not buy Petrol on Feb 14th

2011-02-03T19:58:00.001-08:00

Petrol in Pakistan Rs17 per liter
Malaysia Rs 18 per liter
In India it's Rs.65per liter

Why is there a difference in India ? World Market CRUDE Oil is not

the reason for this. It's all Gain for private owners? As we are the
general public, or Common Man as R.K.Laxman wud hv said, we have to
raise our voice, let's raise thru Emails.

Forward this to all Indians who care.

IT HAS BEEN CALCULATED THAT IF EVERYONE DID NOT PURCHASE A DROP OF
PETROL FOR ONE DAY AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME, THE OIL COMPANIES WOULD
CHOKE ON THEIR STOCKPILES.

AT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD HIT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WITH A NET LOSS
OVER 4.6 BILLION DOLLARS WHICH AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINES OF THE OIL
COMPANIES.
THEREFORE "
Feb.14 th" HAS BEEN FORMALLY DECLARED

"STICK IT UP THEIR BEHIND " DAY AND THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION SHOULD
NOT BUY A SINGLE DROP OF PETROL THAT DAY.

THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE IS IF YOU FORWARD THIS E-MAIL TO AS
MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO GET THE WORD
OUT. WAITING ON THE GOVERNMENT TO STEP IN AND CONTROL THE PRICES IS
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REDUCTION AND CONTROL
IN PRICES THAT THE ARAB NATIONS PROMISED TWO WEEKS AGO?

REMEMBER ONE THING, NOT ONLY IS THE PRICE OF PETROL GOING UP BUT
AT THE SAME TIME AIRLINES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES,
TRUCKING COMPANIES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES WHICH AFFECTS
PRICES ON EVERYTHING THAT IS SHIPPED. THINGS LIKE FOOD, CLOTHING,
BUILDING SUPPLIES MEDICAL SUPPLIES ETC. WHO PAYS IN THE END? WE
DO!

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.IF THEY DON'T GET THE MESSAGE AFTER ONE
DAY, WE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. SO DO YOUR PART AND SPREAD THE
WORD. FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. MARK YOUR
CALENDARS AND MAKE* *
*Feb.* 14 th

A DAY THAT THE CITIZENS SAY
"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH"

We forward so many junk email to many of our friends, now let us do
it for some useful cause to cut down the price of the petrol .. ....

REMEMBER: *Feb * 14^th

Sand Storm in Dubai- MIND BLOWING

2011-02-03T08:39:00.001-08:00

Hi,
.....see the kind of sand storm that occurs in Dubai!!!! By the way these buildings that u can see are all more than 50 floors high !!! It's a baaaaaaaaaad time if it's stormy here!

No one is supposed to get out of house...and if u r driving while this occurs then God help u....u should stop the car immediately no matter where and at what speed u r....as a rule every car should stop but b'cos some fools don't do that there are major accidents that occur during these storms.....

thankfully they are not very frequent ...only three months that they bother....but when they occur they occur suddenly and there is no way u can tell if one is just round the corner!

***************************************************************************************************************************
This e-mail communication and any attachments may be privileged and confidential to Hexaware and are intended only for the
use of the recipients named above. If you are not the intended recipient, please do not review, disclose, disseminate,
distribute or copy this e-mail and attachments. If you have received this email in error, please delete the same alongwith
all attachments thereto and notify us immediately at mailadmin@hexaware.com .
***************************************************************************************************************************

Aaj ka PJ....

2011-02-03T08:38:00.001-08:00

Well, the (short) story goes like this
Here is this King who always kills his newly wed wife on the first night and offers her as a feast to the crocodile by the side of his house.

Everytime he gets married he does the same thing.
Before killing them he sings a song expressing the situation..
what is the song he sings?....
Scroll down......

stop thinking, you are never going to get this

Humein tum se pyaar kitna
yeh hum nahin jaante
"magar"(crocodile ) jee nahin sakte
tumhare bina!!!

Friends!!!!

2011-02-03T08:37:00.001-08:00

True Friends always pop up to say Hello...

True Friends don't Care if you're a lil' different...

True Friends never fight like cats and dogs...

True Friends will drive you anywhere!!!

True Friends let everyone come along....

True Friends don't laugh at you when you get new glasses...

True Friends help you up when you're down...

And True Friends never let you do something you'll regret when you wake up the next morning!

Send this little Message to all your Friends.....
and let them know you care!

BUH BYE!!!

Mug of beer

2011-02-03T08:36:00.003-08:00

An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Reactions:------------->>>
Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out
American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free
Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new
mug of beer. ......INTELLIGENT INDIANS
Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

Mangalsutra

2011-02-03T08:36:00.001-08:00

Once a DON ties Mangalsutra to his gun. Then everybody starts worshipping him as god. Do you know why????
.
.
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .

.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .

.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
. .

.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
.
After tying Mangalsutra to his gun, he becomes Gun-Pati!!!

India's best students who became CEOs - SABEER BHATIA

2011-02-03T08:26:00.001-08:00

SABEER BHATIA

Pioneer of web-based e-mail

Sabeer Bhatia has done the unconventional ever since he decided to study abroad at the age of 19; two years into undergraduate education at the Birla Institute of Technology and Science, he qualified for a transfer scholarship at Caltech, considered to be the world's most competitive scholarship. After graduating from Caltech in 1989, he pursued an MS in Electrical Engineering at Stanford University.

At the age of 27, Bhatia was no longer interested in working for others, and together with Smith, began chasing what many people in Silicon Valley deemed a “crazy idea” – a free e-mail service. They raised about $300,000 for their venture - Hotmail. Within a year, Hotmail had one million subscribers. So revolutionary was it that Microsoft bought it for $400 million after 18 months.

Did you know?

* He was rejected by 20 venture capitalists before Draper Fisher Juvetson bought his idea.

* The original spelling was HoTMaiL

Award

TR100 by the MIT, given to 100 young innovators who are expected to have the greatest impact on technology.

Qualifications

BTech, BITS Pilani

BSc(Honours) California Institute of Technology, US

MS Electrical Engineering (Stanford)

India's best students who became CEOs - INDRA NOOYI

2011-02-03T08:25:00.001-08:00

INDRA NOOYI

Chairman & CEO, PepsiCo

Chairman of PepsiCo's Board of Directors, Indra is the highest-ranking Indian-born woman in corporate America, and she attributes much of her success to her upbringing in India. "Being a woman and being foreign-born, you've got to be smarter than anyone else," says Nooyi, who often dons a sari at PepsiCo events.

Education

She completed schooling at Holy Angels AIHSS, Chennai, has a BSc (Chemistry) from Madras Christian College in 1974 and a PGDM from IIM Calcutta. In 1978, Nooyi earned a Master's degree in Public and Private Management from Yale School of Management. At Yale, she worked as a receptionist from midnight to 5 a.m. to earn some money.

Career graph

Starting her career in India, Nooyi held different positions at Johnson & Johnson and textile firm Mettur Beardsell. In the US, Nooyi worked with BCG, Motorola and ABB. Nooyi joined PepsiCo in 1994, and became chairperson in 2007.

Childhood memories

As a child, Indra’s grandfather insisted on academic excellence from his grandchildren. According to Indra, when she did not figure in the top three ranks in class, she preferred to throw herself under a bus than face her grandfather.

Awards

2007, Padma Bhushan

2008 Elected as Fellow, American Academy of Arts and Sciences

ARUN SARIN

Former CEO, Vodafone

Born on October 21, 1954 at Panchmari, Madhya Pradesh, Sarin was an academically bright student. He was equally good at sports like field hockey, boxing and various extracurricular activities. He wanted to follow his father's footsteps into the military by pursuing a career as a pilot, but when his mom protested, he applied and was accepted at IIT, Kharagpur.

He graduated from the IIT in 1975 with a Bachelor of Science degree in engineering in the top 10 percent of his class and received the BC Roy gold medal for academic excellence. He received a full scholarship to the University of California, Berkeley, Graduate College of Engineering.

In the year 2003, Sarin became the Chief Executive Officer of Vodafone. When he resigned in 2008 from his post Vodafone was the world's largest mobile phone company by revenue. It was the firm’s large market presence in India that catapulted Sarin into the limelight. Currently he serves on the boards of Cisco and Safeway, Inc.

Academics

BTech (IIT)

MBA (Haas UC,Berkeley)

Awards

University of California at Berkeley, Haas School Business Leader of Year- 2002

University of California Trust (UK) Award- 2003

Born in Nagpur, Pandit was the Citigroup’s youngest CEO when he took over in 2007. The first Indian to achieve this feat, the job was touted as the toughest in the world due to the company’s poor performance.

A brilliant boy in school, he moved to US when he was 16. After finishing his Master’s in electrical engineering and MBA from Columbia University, he was determined to get a PhD in a different subject. In those days, students preferred to either study medicine or engineering. And that was the time when his guide advised him to take up finance, as it was a good field. He followed the advice, and switched to finance.

For a brief span, he taught at Indiana University Bloomington, Columbia’s Business School. He stepped into the corporate world in 1994, as a head of Morgan Stanley. His administrative and technical skills, plus an ability to make himself indispensable to bosses like John J. Mack and Phillip J. Purcell, fuelled his career at Morgan Stanley, where he became the president. He dealt with the Institutional Securities Division, Worldwide Institutional Equities Division. For him, this was an interesting area to work on

“To do well you have to put a lot of yourself into it.”

BS, Electrical Engineering, Columbia University (1976)

MS, Columbia University (1977)

MBA, Columbia Business School, Columbia University (1980)

PhD, Columbia Business School, Columbia University (1986)