SOLO dot MOM

Get the Hint

2009-11-10T09:26:00.001-05:00

Coaxing

Going down the interstate last night I was approaching an entrance ramp while driving in the right lane. There was a truck entering from the ramp. I slowed and blinked my lights (to inform him to merge in front of me). He hesitated. I slowed a little more and blinked high beam/low beam once again as a signal. He hesitated and slowed. I slowed even more to about a crawl at this point, flashing my lights as if I was trying to send SOS to a passing UFO nearby.

Finally after I came to almost a halt, the truck merged in front of me and went on.

Why did I insist on letting this guy over?

Initially I was trying to do the right thing. I was in the right lane and didn’t want to keep him trapped from merging into the traffic while at a high speed. Then it just became a mission for me to get him to merge while I was blocking upcoming traffic behind me. “Come on buddy, merge already!”

Trust and Communication

But he may not have trusted my motives or my flashing headlights. He apparently didn’t get the signal or understand what I meant while trying to communicate the words “merge over”, as I slowed down and blinked my headlights.

After much persistence on my part, he was able to get the “hint,” get the message, and merged into traffic.

How often does this happen when we try to communicate with people? Do you feel like you are blinking your lights, waving your hands, saying every word in your vocabulary attempting to get a message across to someone while they just stand there like a deer in headlights? Stunned, hesitant, clueless.

I hate that feeling. It is frustrating when they just aren’t getting it. But then I remember I need to be patient and slow down allowing them to have time to get a grip on what it is I am trying to relay, so it finally clicks. Sometimes people need time to process the information. This is true with my kiddos, and it is true in relationships, adult relationships.

Sometimes I think, “Why aren’t they understanding; why isn’t this changing?” “Where are the results?” Then I realize, maybe I am not getting my message across because I am not speaking their language. I am speaking English (or in the case with the truck using what is common driver signals for merge), but perhaps I am not communicating to them in a way that caters to their personality type or their level of attention at the moment. If you strive to be a better communicator, this realization is important.

Perhaps I should have waved my hand out the window to better communicate with the truck driver and yelled at him across the interstate, “Come on over, buddy!” Or perhaps the truck driver was preoccupied….

If I am in the middle of doing a project at work, intensely focused on the task at hand, and then someone tries to tell me something…. I usually tune them out or worse: I might snap at them (just ask Mr. M.). Sadly I don’t understand what they are trying to relay in that moment and I get frustrated that I can’t do two things at once.

Are you trying to get a message across to someone who is preoccupied?

Are you sure you are communicating in a way they can understand?

What have you tried to communicate lately in a relationship, that just didn’t seem to get through? Did they finally get the message? Did they finally merge?

photo credit: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_-7H9SC1JOrE/SeY7LJAyhoI/AAAAAAAAALU/3iun-J4goN8/s320/merge-796194.jpg

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: communication,relationships,driving,messages

Change Is Coming

2009-11-06T14:02:00.003-05:00

Continue to Embrace Change

Life is changing. Whether we like it or want it or create it or NOT, changes in life happen. We can’t stop it. We might as well embrace it, enjoy it, and make the most of it.

I try to do this. I don’t like the thought of my kids growing up and one day leaving me to start life on their own; but I know it’s coming. That’s change; change that I can mold in the making by instilling in my kiddos today what will carry them into their future as adults. It’s the whole point of parenthood, right? It’s my obligation in parenthood. Embracing the changes that I know are coming in the future can inspire me to take advantage of every waking moment, every opportunity of influence; and try to make the most of them with my kiddos.

New Relationships

But what about those changes that you do control? These are changes like moving to a new city or just to a different neighborhood where the kiddos will go to different schools. Or changes like bringing new relationships into the picture and exposing your kiddos to bonding with a person you just recently started getting to know.

Dating is one of those things we control as single parents. We control the timing; we control the depth of it. It’s normal to be tempted to ignore all the logic in waiting to introduce your kiddos till you really know someone you are dating. I was and still am a stickler on this one. I strongly encourage anyone dating as a single parent to wait till you know this guy (or girl) is a serious deal before having the kiddos to meet him or her. You don’t want your kiddos to meet a different guy (or girl) every other weekend while you are still sorting out your definition of your own dating life and who’s who and who is a potential relationship.

But once you make the decision you have dated someone long enough or been with them on enough dates, to where you feel it’s ok for your kiddos to meet this new guy (or girl); this person is now a part of your kiddos’ life. Like it or not, once you make that choice… the journey of their developing relationship begins.

Getting Serious

As that relationship, that you introduced, develops over time and gets serious, it leads to more and more change. But these are changes that you control, once again, because you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to the timeline of your new relationship. So you have to keep your head engaged and guiding you through the journey… not just your heart. The heart may cause you to speed up and then you might just end up with a ticket, or worse.

Don’t ignore your heart… but keep it in balance with the logic involved as well. Remember that time when my heart could have led me down a different path – that wasn’t right for me, nor for him? Instead I pulled myself back down to earth, faced reality, and logic kicked in. But I digress….

There are changes going on in my little world as I have shared. But I have decided to put graduate school on the shelf for the time being. The anxiety attacks in the middle of the night were whispering to me that now may not be the time. With the investment (student loans) and all that comes with advancing my degree to a master’s degree, I don’t think I can add it to my plate with other “unknowns” on the horizon at the moment. I want to keep my sanity and my composure intact a little while longer.

Right now I am holding back on sharing everything going on in my little world. According to my fortune in last night’s Chinese fortune cookie, I am supposed to “Keep my plans secret for a while” or something like that.

But, I will tell you I started going to counseling again yesterday - I am now seeing someone from a different practice than where I went after the divorce. But I like this guy. He’s blunt and makes me face some hard questions about my future.

If you think I am speaking in riddles and getting a little too deep for a Friday post…. You’d be right. I don’t mean to sound vague. But essentially I wanted to share a little about what is on the horizon of my life, as the mysteries remain (even for me) as to what that horizon actually holds.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://itp.nyu.edu/projects_documents/1179008282_1177129345_thesis_preshow4.jpg

Technorati Tags: relationships,dating,single moms dating,changes,future,graduate school,counseling

Environmentally Conscious Kitchen Cleanup & Contest!

2009-11-02T13:58:00.002-05:00

NO Nasty Chemicals: No problem – NO Nasty Cleanup: No problem

Remember the post when I talked about the way it used to be with just the three of us? Back then I used my little itty bitty George Foreman – you know the one that will only hold 2 hamburgers on the grill at time… I still have it. I love that little thing. I would pull it out to make grilled cheese, quesadillas, and even FRENCH TOAST! It’s great for one person or two. Yes it will even make French toast – you have to try it.
Then when I started grilling for four and six people at a time… Mr. M brought over his ginormous George Forman grill. It has been at my house ever since. Now I like using this larger version of the grill I grew to love, (having 6-8 hamburgers ready in minutes is awesome) but cleanup became a little more involved because the thing is huge.
Just recently I received some free samples from Ecostoreusa.com (to do a review). They sent me a citrus spray cleaner – (with no nasty chemicals) and also a toilet cleaner. So I used the citrus cleaner on the grill after it cooled down…(no not the toilet cleaner) and let it sit. Then I just came back after a few minutes to wipe off the grill and the grease wiped right off! What a treat. That’s just what a single mom on-the-go with no time for scrubbing stubborn grime needs. I love letting the product do the work for me and then coming back to do the follow-up wipe-down… that’s my idea of kitchen cleanup.
Thanks Ecostoreusa.com for such great products and keeping the nasty chemicals at bay as well!!!
If you would like to try out some of their stuff – I am offering one lucky reader $25.00 certificate to use in their store (sent via email from www.ecostoreusa.com) You can buy at least two different products with that certificate to try them out…. (and with your free $25.00 purchase – you get FREE Shipping!!!)

Here’s how to win:

1. Leave a comment below on this post about how you would use the www.ecostoreusa.com products. Remember to list your email – or at least a link to contact you through twitter or blogspot account.
2. Get an extra entry for signing up for the No Nasty Newsletter from their website. Leave me a comment after you have done this to let me know you signed up for their newsletter on their blog.
3. Get one more entry for following me on twitter and following ecostoreusa on twitter as well! Just leave one more comment to say you have followed both… and you are all set!
The winner will be picked at random from the entries on Tuesday, November 17.
Comment soon – contest for $25.00 certificate from www.ecostoreusa.com ends in two weeks (Monday, November 16 at midnight)!
Thanks for stopping by.
Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: www.ecostoreusa.com,healthy cleaning,environment,chemicals,cleaning,kitchens,grease,grime,george foreman

Traveling as a SINGLE MOM

2009-10-30T16:17:00.001-04:00

When I started planning the trip to Kentucky (literally months ago) for training classes; I had to plan a way to take care of the kids while I was away. As a single mom this is the first thought that comes to mind when you hear the words “Can you go out of town for this event?”

I have been working for the same non-profit over ten years and they have always been great about being flexible. Quite frankly, it is not often they even need me to go out of town. But when they do, my mind starts working in over-drive… “What about the kiddos?”

It was no different months ago. And the first plan is usually to ask their father about him keeping them. He lives an hour away, so it would mean they miss school if it falls on a school day; but one day or two isn’t a big deal, because they always make up the work. But in this case – he was unsure when I first asked him if he could make the days work on his schedule, even though I asked months in advance.

Ok, on to Plan B. When he couldn’t commit, I considered my other options.

Remember, not only am I a single mom with an X that can be uncooperative at times, but I also lost my mom two years ago. When she was well, she always kept my kiddos for me when I had to go out of town. But now more than ever, the one thing I find useful as a single mom is the support team you put together around you in order to have people to lean on during these times when you need help. It’s inevitable. We single moms – still need the help and support of others. I talk about this often in my blog, I hope you have had a chance to see other examples.

Now back to plan B, the support team. By the time I was finished planning what to do with the kiddos (and the two dogs as well) I had quite a little network planned out to take care of things for me in my absence. And each member of the network had a copy of the game plan as well as phone numbers to reach others involved in this setup. (Remember, I love lists!)

As an example I will share who was involved in our game plan… and let you know HOW MUCH I APPRECIATED THEM!

Mr. M. took care of the dogs every morning before he went to work (driving out of his way to head over to my house to let them out and tend to them). He also met up with Sue to pick up Kass the evening I was due home so I could just concentrate on getting home from the airport that night.

My aunt, Sue took Kass under her wing and into her home and treated her like a little princess while I was away. (Kass said she missed being with her the next day when we were getting back into our regular routine. This made me feel really great – because if Kass missed being there… I know she enjoyed her stay! – Kudos Sue!)

E my neighbor two doors down and Kass’ good friend took care of the dogs in the afternoons and evenings before bedtime so I knew they were in good hands.

C, Jas’ friend from the neighborhood took Jas in as an adopted brother for those few days so he could go to school (and Governor’s school). His parents were a true God-send to take him in and have often said he is welcome anytime. Thanks C’s parents!!!

So in summary, don’t be afraid as a single mom – or as a married mom for that matter – to create your support team of people including your family, your kiddos’ friend’s parents, your neighbors, and of course your s.o. These people can be a life saver for you on more than one occasion. They were for me!

Who is in Your Support Team?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Home from KY

2009-10-29T10:36:00.001-04:00

I have so much to share about the trip… but let me just leave you with a quick note. I made it home last night, after stressful flights (beyond imagination). Yes, more about that story is to come soon.

Thankful to be back home, and grateful my luggage made it with me… This was the highlight of the trip home (see above) from Louisville – this beautiful sunset seen out the airplane window.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: travel,Louisville,Kentucky,home,training,single moms,sunsets,photography

Pretty Packages, Clarity, and Sleep

2009-10-22T11:48:00.004-04:00

I hate admitting that I don’t have it all together, don’t you?

The SINGLE MOM Life

I shared with you recently about all the whirlwinds going on in my life, all the changes, new responsibilities, and new horizons I have decided to embark. With my life, as a single mom and working through many of life’s hurdles along the way, I thought I had everything functioning in tune like a well oiled machine. My lists are set and being checked off regularly as new lists are made. I have my budget that I live by. Our little life, with just the three of us was down to a science, finally.

I Met HIM

Then I met Mr. M. And for the most part he fit into the tiny space I made for dating. Then dating became a relationship and then later a serious relationship. He started stretching my little corner I had cut out in my world for a new man in my life as our lives became blended together spending more and more time together. This isn’t stretching in a bad way…

but stretching me all the same.

So in some ways, I guess my lack of sleep and focus on the whirlwinds are a part of the growing pains; growing pains as we consider the future, our future.

The Journey

But back to what I was saying, I like to think I have everything together. I want to think that no matter the changes going on around me in my world, especially when they are changes that I chose, that I can calmly, peacefully, and with clarity move forward and walk through the journey of getting from point A to point B. This path may be chaotic and overwhelming when I stop and think about it right now, with graduate school and getting my house ready for the market; but I chose to do this. I want this for my future; and I want this for our future. So why all the anxiety?

Anxiety Still Happens

With the anxiety levels on the rise, I had to talk myself down from the ledge and remember: me and Jesus… we CAN do this. Seriously, why not!?

Last night (before writing this) I got about three hours sleep. And lately I haven’t slept well, better than three hours a night, but not well. I started thinking… maybe there is something wrong with me physically. But then after talking about this with two of my best friends, they pointed out…(the clarity I was looking for) that with all these things going on, school and other changes in my future – it was inevitable that I would feel stress.

Stress? But that comes from worrying, and I’m not worried….. or am I?

Life is a PRESENT

When you think you have your pretty little package of a life, all wrapped up and tied with a bow; and then you decide it’s time to rip the paper off and break it open… perhaps that would make one worry, just a little.

But isn’t that what presents are for? Isn’t it normal to excitedly rip the wrapping off of them and open them up to see how they work and what you can do with this shiny new thing you have been given? A new life… I guess that is what I am about to embark upon – a new stage of my life.

Present or not, making all these changes still scares the snot out of me. So of course, that explains why I have been waking up, panicked and out of breath….

Am I jumping ship with all these changes or just stepping out of the boat and trying to walk on water by faith? I pray it’s the latter but I am feeling the panic like it’s the former.

What do you do when life starts to feel overwhelming… taking your breath… taking your sleep?

You know how I love my sleep.

Personally, I am praying about all this, talking it out with my friends, processing my upcoming decisions about when I should start graduate school, for example, and still making my lists. I have also decided to see a counselor again. It’s all good… and if I plan to be one, then what’s wrong with seeing one right?

Share your comments below…. life and it’s stresses… it happens. What are you going to do about it?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://inhabitat.com/wp-content/uploads/present.jpg

Technorati Tags: relationships,single moms dating,sleep,changes,stress,life,anxiety,overwhelming

Seelbach Hilton is in my Future

2009-10-20T16:20:00.001-04:00

I am headed to Louisville, Kentucky in the next few days. The hotel, Seelbach Hilton is in the photograph above…. somewhere. That’s where I will be staying. This isn’t a pleasure trip though, I’m going there for some training for my day job but I hope to get some cool photos (like this one) while I’m there.

This trip I will be flying (not driving)… but I still covet your prayers for travel mercies!

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://www.aaomr.org/images/kentucky.jpg

Technorati Tags: travel,Kentucky,training,work

Pumpkin Patch Weekend

2009-10-19T14:16:00.002-04:00

Here is Kass all bundled up at the farm before we take the hayride over to the corn maze. It was a cold day at the farm, trust me.

Jas and his G.F. on the hayride… he didn’t want to pose… so this is the best pic I got of the two of them.

Mr. M. and his boys with Kass ahead of me in the maze.

Then we were off to find pumpkins. (Kass had her a couple ears of corn from the maze… but no, the corn didn’t go home with us.)

The kiddos found a friend to play with in the pumpkin patch.

She doesn’t mind posing for her mom. :)

And then we left to head someplace warm.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: hayrides,pumpkin patch,fall festivals,children,family time,relationships,photography,photos

List for Newlyweds, Part 3 of 5

2009-10-16T10:53:00.001-04:00

Well the list continues from my previous posts on what I wish I had been told before I got married. I hope you are gleaning from these tips. Please feel free to comment and add your own, or provide feedback about these ideas. I would love to hear from you!

5. BECOME PLAYMATES:

(Remember the blog post about Boys and their Toys?) A book was written about this very idea titled, Boys and Their Toys: Understanding Men by Understanding Their Relationship with Gadgets by Bill Adler. It is intended to help women understand men by understanding their need for toys and gadgets.

I have skimmed this book, but plan to read it because it has some great parallels that can open your eyes to understanding personality traits of your man based on what ‘toys’ or gadgets intrigue him and why. Since they need this outlet of “playtime,” playing with your guy can nurture your relationship.

Try taking time out and getting involved with your guy’s favorite toys. Does he like to play video games, for example? Take some time to play the games with him – then he may be more responsive to compromise by giving you some time to communicate with each other.

6. KEEP YOUR IDENTITY:

Even though you are a couple you should continually work on becoming a whole person. It’s true you aren’t single anymore – but you need to keep your identity and continue the process of becoming the person you want to be with.

Don’t say “I have arrived: I am in a relationship so I don’t need to work on knowing who I am as a person anymore,” nor fall into thinking “I have this issue, but my spouse offsets it – he or she completes me.” You should continue to improve upon the person you have become. Continue learning about who you are.

We all have stuff to deal with – owning it (acknowledging it exists) and working through it are still our jobs as individuals. Besides, if you don’t keep your own personal identity in tact – you may be prone to extreme co-dependency which can cause problems for your marriage.

Don’t take that to mean I am advocating self-centeredness or selfish acts. Quite contrary to that notion, I am simply warning you against becoming so dependent upon your spouse that you cannot even go shopping or to do an outing by yourself because your self-worth relies upon that spouse, outside of your control.

In my own experience I was in a marriage with a man who had become not only possessive of me but also obsessed with me. He would not let me go anywhere by myself or have activities with friends on my own; in turn, I became less and less confident that I could do anything alone or have friends. It was a vicious cycle and it took effort to break that cycle in order to be released from it’s grasp.

Please check out the other posts in this series of things I wish I had known when I got married:

List for Newlyweds, Part 1

List for Newlyweds, Part 2

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/2184797/relationship-main_Full.jpg

Technorati Tags: relationships,marriage,newlyweds,dating,single moms dating,identity,playmates,boys and their toys

Who Is This Guy?

2009-10-13T16:42:00.001-04:00

I’ve been getting random emails from this guy with the same last name as mine to my Gmail account. The first one I disregarded as spam, weirdly. Then I continued to get mail from him, calling me “babe” and would I look at this or would I call such and so. They read as if he knew me; but he must have me confused with someone else.

The latest one I received and here I quote his email (without giving you the link):

I was going to surprise you with this anniversary gift (since we don’t have kids on the 25^th); but I thought I’d run it by you first.

Isn’t that something… and I was afraid to open the link since it refers to “rollergirls”. I know it may be nothing risqué … but I don’t want to see what he is thinking about doing with her for their anniversary, quite frankly (just in case).

After getting this one, I just hit ‘report spam’ in Google so it would hopefully place his mail in my spam folder automatically.

Goodbye, Brandon! It was nice knowing you….but it’s over between us. Oh and Happy Anniversary!

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://www.nasddds.org/images/email.jpg

Technorati Tags: relationships,rollergirls,dating,email,spam

My Changing World and Best Wishes

2009-10-12T12:18:00.001-04:00

The Current Whirlwind

There are so many many things going on in my world right now… that I am finding it difficult to think straight (leave alone find time to blog). A true whirlwind. It’s not a bad thing… I just have to get my lists organized, and myself focused so that I can prioritize what to think about next and then what to actually do next! (Because, btw, I do still need to blog on a couple eco products I was sent to try out for the purpose of a review, FTC and a hand held mixer!)

Becoming a Counselor

Some things are in the process mode. I am deliberating about them and processing them; but at the same time taking action steps, filling out paperwork and getting things done to put the possibilities into action. For example I have applied to graduate school and plan to get my master’s degree in professional counseling! I still find it difficult to even type that – the thought of it is too surreal. Would I even make a good counselor? What specific type do I want to be? What do I want to be when I grow up? But that is where I am – at the beginning stages, with my transcript from my alma mater requested and financial aid applied for… we shall see what happens.

Girl Scout Leader

We have kicked off the new year with the girl scouts troop. Working as a co-leader I am busy planning sessions and want to get a community leader to come in and talk with the girls soon. Our focus is to train the girls to change the world.

Big Changes

My world is already changing. I am planning to start graduate school and I am trying to fix up my house to put on the market in the future. BIG CHANGES!

Other Funnels in the Swirling Clouds Above

In addition to my world being in a whirlwind:

Mr. M’s house is undergoing remodeling…to the extent of zippers in doorways to block the dust --kind of remodeling.
One of my best friends was served her divorce papers a week ago.
Mr. M’s two son’s presently have the flu – probably swine flu.
My best friend’s father (TB’s dad) stopped breathing and had no pulse right in the middle of the church service yesterday morning. (But then started breathing again, and right now he is in the hospital – say a prayer for that family.)

So in the grand scheme of things… even with my whirlwind going on around me and being touched by others’ own versions of a whirlwind…. I have much to be grateful for and want to send out best wishes to my best friends who are dealing with genuine stressors of their own.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://www.uwm.edu/~kahl/Images/Weather/Severe/multiple_tornadoes.jpg

Technorati Tags: relationships,graduate school,girl scouts,master's degree,swine flu,divorce,family,remodeling

Custom Made Jewelry Anyone?

2009-10-09T09:00:00.000-04:00

Mr. M. makes jewelry… maybe you saw the necklace he made for my birthday this past year.

Because he does custom made designs and sizes (imagine a bracelet made to fit exactly where you want it on your wrist), I asked him if I could put some of his stuff on my blog site for you to order. He said, sure.

But before I start showing some different designs we have picked out for the site, I wanted to get some feedback.

Please participate in this poll below (see the participate link) or leave me a comment. You can do either one anonymously if you wish. Just let me know what you are thinking!

Ok and so you have an idea what I am talking about– here is my favorite item he has made so far:

Can you see the flower motif in the Japanese Lace design? (You know I love my daisies!) I just fell in love with this. (And I have earrings that match.)

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: jewelry,customers,custom-made,design,flowers,Japanese Lace,for sale

List for Newlyweds, Part 2 of 5

2009-10-08T09:15:00.000-04:00

Remember, recently I was asked to prepare a list of what I would tell young married couples still in the first five years of their marriage – that I wish I had been told back then.

I started this list in Part 1 of this blogpost series and here are the next two on my Top Ten list.

3. DREAM TOGETHER:

Develop some shared goals – short term and long term to work on together.

Remember when you are making this list to expand on it so the items are more than just concrete goals of buying a house or setting a date for starting a family… Develop a larger dream together as a common dream you can share and work toward with each other… like some day we want to travel the world or start our own business. Dream big! What’s your shared dream?

4. CELEBRATE and DATE:

Besides the big dreams, take time out to celebrate the small stuff.

Enjoy your life together each day as a couple… instead of constantly looking forward to the next big deal in life (buying a house or having a baby), celebrate the day to day successes and joy in your relationship, even if that joy seems to be slipping from view.

Plan nights out – just the two of you – regularly… at least once a month. Paying attention and highlighting the little things that are going right in your relationship and life together will help divert your attention from always focusing on the negative. There will be negative stuff, it’s part of life. But focusing on it can just breed more bad thoughts and bitter feelings. Be positive (facing reality too which is necessary, yes); but find the positive and choose to think of that glass as half full.

I will be sharing more of my top ten list next week. Take a moment and leave a comment of your thoughts on dreaming and celebrating those little moments.

Please check out the first post in this series:

List for Newlyweds, Part 1

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: www.talkingmakeup.com/pics/news2/wash2.jpg

Technorati Tags: celebrate,love,date,dream,lifelong goals,sharing dreams

Party Pooped Weekend

2009-10-05T15:06:00.002-04:00

This was the weekend for birthdays!

It started Friday night with celebrating Mr. M’s oldest son’s birthday. I checked off everything I was supposed to bring before leaving my house. Pictionary Junior, check. Marker board, check. Markers, check. Whoonu game, check, Taboo Junior, check.

Kass and I went through this list twice. Yep, got everything. Then we got in the vehicle to head towards the party. As we get almost to Mr. M’s house… it hit me, like a ton of bricks. Yes I got everything but the gift for his son!!

So I had to show up with all the games and no gift and explained to E as he was opening presents, one more was coming later this weekend. What a dork, that’s me.

That wasn’t a very good start to the five birthdays we ended up celebrating within my personal circles over the weekend.

Saturday was my niece's birthday party. Rose was turning 10. Here’s Kass at that party sporting a lovely party hat and her new braces.

And the birthday girl…Rose, my niece:

Saturday was also Mr. M’s mom’s birthday and Kass was going to a friend’s slumber birthday party right after leaving her cousin’s party. Whew. This was getting crazier by the minute.

Then Sunday, the fifth birthday for the weekend was a dear gentleman I have known at my church for years… he turned 80.

What a milestone to say the least. He doesn’t even look 80 and you will never meet a sweeter or more gentle kind of guy. A true gentleman. As he celebrated, I thought… what a legacy this man has to claim from his own story.

What would you like your legacy to be?

Find yourself…keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: birthdays,parties,games,young children games,milestones,legacy

Solemate

2009-10-04T13:43:00.003-04:00

The review is in. My review that is, on the book, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life by Lauren Mackler.

I have been reading this book sent to me for the purpose of doing a review and wanted to share it with my readers here. Some books I get like this, I don’t recommend and won’t post about them. But this one – I do recommend you read it – especially after divorce. However, others whether single or happily married, can glean from the information about ‘finding yourself’ as well. This book outlines a process for not only finding WHO YOU ARE but becoming the person you were meant to be, the type person you would want be with and experience a sense of wholeness instead of looking for a person out there to ‘complete you.’

You have recently heard me dispel the idea of finding your soul mate. This book helps you cope with the realization that you need to develop your own life vision, your own action plan to get yourself into gear and not rely on someone else (an ideal partner) to make you happy. In other words finding contentment with yourself can make you content with your world around you.

This in no way is to suggest that you don’t need relationships in your life. On the contrary the book outlines the very need we as humans have for other people to be in our lives – our outer support system. Solemate has a whole chapter titled: Building an Inner and Outer Support System.

By becoming a whole person it will help you and I to have healthier relationships with a life partner. Working on ourselves, owning our stuff that we have carried around with us since our childhoods, facing that ‘stuff’, and reclaiming ‘our authentic self’ (as Solemate defines it) will make us the kind of people we would want to be with and in turn the type of people with whom our life partner (or future life partner) can have a healthy relationship.

I personally like the idea of taking responsibility for my actions. And no that doesn’t mean you can ‘fix’ everything from within yourself. I try to keep Jesus in the driver seat. But I still want to make that choice to take the hard knocks that have happened in life… and try to learn from those times of suffering. Learn how to become a better person and thereby treat others without judgment (realizing we all have our stuff); that is key.

The Message phrases it this way in Matthew 16:24: The Message
Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? …..

So if you are at a stage in your life where you feel lonely, dissatisfied in a current relationship, or perhaps even shattered following a divorce and you want to put together an action plan for becoming a better you – the whole person YOU were meant to be, check out this book, Solemate by Lauren Mackler, Psychotherapist. If you want to hear more about the book in the author’s own words, check out this interview on YouTube with Lauren Mackler.

You can take the hard stuff in life and learn from it – allowing God to turn your life into something beautiful – “beauty for ashes.”

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: relationships,aloneness,lonely,transformation,whole person,divorce,marriage,soul mate,learn from suffering

Fountain of Youth

2009-10-02T09:00:00.001-04:00

Mr. M.’s sister sent this clip to me about staying young… with foods. Interesting information here. You do want to try to stay young don’t you? As a thirty-something… I fight aging everyday… in every way. Even if youthfulness is not something you are striving for (though I don’t know why); perhaps you will appreciate the cardiovascular health and cholesterol health these foods have been proven to improve. Check out this video below.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: healthy foods,youth,fountain of youth,cardiovascular,cholesterol

List for Newlyweds, Part 1 of 5

2009-10-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

I was asked to prepare a list of what I would tell young married couples during the first five years of their marriage – that I wish I had been told back then. I know what you are thinking… “but you aren’t married anymore.” EXACTLY! And four plus years after a divorce from a marriage that lasted about 12 years has taught me a great deal. I have learned some things at this stage of life that I wish I had known back when I got married. Because I am long winded, I have decided to break up the list of ten things into separate blog posts… to keep from wearing you out. Today is the first two of my top ten:

1. FORGET THE FAIRYTALE:

High Expectations? …drop them. There is no fairytale romantic happily-ever-after in any relationship. If someone tells you they have the fairytale, they are lying! Plus high expectations can be very stressful for your partner if he or she realizes your expectations are unreachable. Who needs that kind of pressure?

2. SOUL MATE - NO SUCH THING :

There is no such thing as a soul mate. Your mate will never be perfect, no matter who you choose or whom you chose. God gives us the wisdom and ability through life experiences and learning about WHO WE ARE to make a good life partner choice.

Maybe you had more than one option before you made this decision, and don’t fret that you might not have PICKed the RIGHT one. Sadly there is no magic Mr. Right out there for you to stumble upon, and that chemistry you felt when you first met… will disappear. Anticipate the chemistry dissipating because the newness and novelty of this wonderful guy (or girl) will wear off.

So if it’s chemistry you feel (or that you are looking for) – you are in limerence – not in love. Your foundation for your marriage should be based on more of a foundation of common goals, beliefs, and traits – not that chemistry or limerence you felt early on.

You should start building that foundation now if you married based on chemistry alone and thinking this must be Mr. Right. Because, and I quote here from the article: Governors, Quarterbacks, and Soul Mates by Joe Beam, President of Love Path International, “There is not one passage in the Bible that teaches that God has the perfect person for us out there somewhere. And there is no passage that tells us how to know if we actually encountered that person if such a person exists. Should we base it on how we feel? …that won’t work either. Why? Limerence fades away. Always.” You simply need something more than that euphoric feeling to build your future – your stable future – upon.

I wrote these first two ideas from experience, basically; my own and from watching other couples’ relationships. So I am not simply sharing my point of view as jaded, cynical ideas. I also found the article referenced intriguing and it hit my point, nailed it in fact; plus it gave me a great new term to reference the idea (limerence). Can you say limerence?

When I found myself facing divorce, I was thankful to realize I wasn’t walking away from the one perfect guy God intended for me to be with. I don’t take the big D lightly; you know my story. Divorce isn’t the blissful choice you make to get away from someone out of convenience; but when your mate’s choices dictate the only obvious route to take… it’s nice to know that he (or she) wasn’t the ‘one and only’ perfect mate chosen by God. Maybe that doesn’t make sense when you read it… but think about it.

How do you feel about the advice I listed so far …for young newlyweds?

Do you believe in Soul Mates?

How would you recommend couples develop a better foundation if they married their partner based on chemistry alone?

Share your comments below.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

PHOTO CREDIT: http://www.heritagecarriages.com.au/Horses/Photos/Buddy/Wedding1.JPG

Technorati Tags: divorced,marriage,couples,relationships,soul mates,romance,fairytale

New Smile, Anyone?

2009-09-30T10:44:00.001-04:00

1-800-DENTIST® My Smile Bites! $30,000 Smile Makeover Contest

Are you embarrassed to smile? Would a new smile change your life?

You know recently I have been going on and on about the big expense of getting braces put on Kass’ teeth. So we all know how expensive dental work can be, right?

Well, 1-800-DENTIST® is giving one lucky winner an opportunity to have a smile that they are proud to show off!

Shoot a 1-2 minute video telling them what you want to fix about your smile. Show them your teeth. Video submissions are through November 10^th at 12N PST. Include details about how your smile affects the way you feel. Include your personal stories.

They truly want to change someone’s life.

To upload your video press this link: http://www.1800dentist.com/my-smile-bites

For Contest Rules: http://www.1800dentist.com/contest-rules

America will help choose the top contestants and 1-800-DENTIST® will select the winner.

Voting is begins November 10 at 12:01PST through December 1, 12:00PST

Winner will be announced December 15, 2009

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: dentistry,dental work,braces,smiles,1800dentist.com,contests

Lovely Blog Award

2009-09-30T10:12:00.001-04:00

I am so honored.

I received an award from Flory of A Woman’s Life Stages blog.

By accepting this award… now I get to pass on the award to fifteen other bloggers newly found with blogs that I think are lovely…hrmmm… who will they be?

Rules for this "One Lovely Blog Award" are:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Now it's my turn to pass it along!

Who’s Who in the Lovely Blog category?

Yeah, I know I only have ten listed. But that’s recent blogs I have found… that were lovely.

Now pass on the bogging award.

Find yourself…keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: awards,lovely blogs,single moms,parenting,blogging

The Winner of the Poster Print

2009-09-28T10:10:00.001-04:00

After a random drawing this morning from the recent contest for the 18X24” Poster Print from www.DigitalRoom.com …

the winner is…

@Luvlotsafun

I will be sending him a dm on twitter to get his email for the sponsor to send him his prize access code.

Thanks to everyone for participating.

More reviews are coming soon as I mentioned last week and perhaps another contest will be on the horizon….

Happy Monday everyone!

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: giveaways,contests,posters,printing,digital photos

Blessings, Glimpses and Guardrails

2009-09-24T13:18:00.003-04:00

Take time out today to remember the blessings in your life.

My Blessings

I am blessed. I don’t want to forget just how blessed I am.

Thank you Jesus for two wonderful kiddos. Thank you for Mr. M. and his boys being a big part of my life. Thank you for my job, my health, my home, and close friends. I never want to stop feeling grateful for the things I have in my life, the blessings.

Monday, Kass came home from school with the news that last year she got a perfect score of 600 on her Math SOL. I am very proud of her. She was excited and rightfully so. She said, “Mom are you going to put that on your blog?” You bet!

Jas is doing great so far with Governor’s School and he is keeping up with massive homework assignments that are a part of the challenge of this program. Proud of him too. He’s managing to juggle high school, governor’s school, homework, a recently reinstated GF and friends. We have our moments… it’s not perfect – but he’s a teenager, remember. So I try not to sweat the small stuff but instead celebrate the little and big successes along the way.

Thanks for letting me brag on the kiddos today. We are all well…no swine flu… yet.

Book Review

I have a book review on the horizon I want to share with you guys. It’s all about finding yourself and becoming that whole person you were meant to be especially when you find yourself alone after a divorce. Good stuff; and I plan to share it with you soon. In addition I have finally started on my own book.

Married Couples

Plus I have been asked to put together a list of things I would share with young married couples still within the first five years of their marriage…. that I wish I had been told. So that is in the works and I plan to put it here on the blog as well.

Just a little glimpse of things to come.

Comment

Hope you enjoy SOLO dot MOM. Be sure and comment anytime you stop by… and let me know what you think.

Oh, and a little test… What is the irony of this photo? I couldn’t help but stop and take a picture of this ‘ahem’ guardrail the other day.

And don’t forget to stop by and comment on the contest for the free 18X24” Poster Print! Press the link here to jump over and then leave a comment.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: single moms dating,relationships,blessings,gratitude,irony,photography,guardrails

Boys and their Toys – What’s a Girl to do?

2009-09-22T10:31:00.001-04:00

Who Are These Men?

Men are just little boys in big bodies playing with bigger more expensive toys.

If there is anything I have learned about the opposite sex, is this: You like to play.

Now let me start right off the bat with this disclaimer. I love guys…. I do… and I have dated a few over the years since the divorce prior to my serious relationship with Mr. M. and got to know others I wasn’t dating, plus there is this guy I call my older brother. And this is meant with all due respect for you ‘ahem’ men… sincerely: But every one of you… love to play.

I don’t mean play games in relationships with your GF’s emotions… although some of you do. That will have to be another post for another day, lol.

Playing With Complex Toys

But I mean you love: playing video games, mastering the latest techno gadgets; making complex paper airplanes that can fly a mile or model battleships with live ammo to compete with out in the river; buying an old car and restoring it to mint condition; building things with power tools; or riding on long boards, downhill, with no brakes. (And if you don’t know what that last one is, check out searching down hill long boards on YouTube… interesting.)

Simply put, you love to keep your hands and minds entertained… from cell phones and all their accessories to dirt bikes in the back woods.

I like to play too, mind you…. but not to the extent you guys do…

Does that mean men having their toys – is a bad thing?

No. That’s the short answer.

But the longer synopsis is: No, but we need you to understand how to keep balance in your perspective and make that balance a focused choice, instead of empty words. The games and the playing (whether it’s with cars or boats or computers) shouldn’t take priority over work, for example, nor family, nor other responsibilities (and that includes paying your SO some much needed attention). Setting aside designated time for “play-time” should be discussed by both parties in the relationship.

Playmates

And ladies, we need to participate in that allotted time for playing… whether it’s competing with the latest video game, or trying our hand at building a new battleship destroyer. Maybe you don’t like battleship making – as much as the guy in your life enjoys it… but you like spending time with your guy, right? So instead of fighting it – try to become his playmate and enjoy the ride.

Toy Budget

Another issue to be addressed is if the games and the “bigger toys” result in mounting unnecessary stress on the finances in the relationship. This may be an issue that is only true for couples that are married… but I think it needs to be addressed if you are just in the position where you are even discussing the possibility of getting married. Setup a budgeted allowance for the games and the toys. Can you both agree on the amount? Will you respect the budget should you have combined incomes and combined expenses someday?

What Do Women Do?

Does that mean that we women in relationships should just accept this obvious across-the-board trait in our men?

Yes. It’s a fact of life… men like their toys. Men need to play as it’s reiterated and spelled out quite interestingly in Bill Adler’s book, Boys and Their Toys: Understanding Men by Understanding Their Relationship with Gadgets.

Women Need Presence

This shouldn’t undermine or justify disregard for women’s needs, however. We need security. We like structure… for the most part (remember those unending to-do lists), stability, and your emotional presence.

So as long as you guys will try to: show up, communicate with us, and be stable/dependable like we need in the relationship. Then I guess we can try to understand your need for playtime and be your playmates once in a while too. (And get your mind out of the gutter, will you?)

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://www.working.com/health/gallery+calgary+longboarding+rodeo/1825848/1825892.bin?size=620x400

Technorati Tags: guys,men,single moms dating,budgets,playtime,boys and their toys,entertainment,relationships,playmate

Digital Contest – FREE Giveaway

2009-09-18T13:33:00.002-04:00

A contest is coming….

No, It’s HERE!!

This contest is sponsored by: www.DigitalRoom.com

The Prize? It’s (1) 18x24” Rolled Poster Print.

And as the host I will get to receive one too!

You know how I love to carry my camera everywhere and record each moment possible throughout this adventure called life. With so many, it will take a while to look through all my digital photos to pick out just one to have made into this 18x24” Poster Print. I don’t know if it will be of the kids, a nice scenic shot from a recent trip like the one here, or a walk in the park… or maybe one of my clouds photos…

Oh yeah… wait a minute, the contest isn’t about me… It’s about you!

What’s your favorite photograph?

What would you have printed on your Poster Print?

That’s the bigger question here!

How to WIN:

Leave me a comment below on how you would use the Poster Print if you won. (Include a profile connection in your comment with email or an email address to contact in case you win.)
Please note, per Digital Room, this offer is open to US residents only. FREE UPS Ground Shipping for US residents.

That’s It!

FOR EXTRA CHANCES TO WIN:

To get extra chances in the drawing for the winner you can do any or all of the following and get one extra chance for each one completed with a comment:

Blog about this giveaway and link to my blog, SOLO dot MOM as well as DigitalRoom.com. Then come back here and add another comment with a link to your blog post.
Tweet this Giveaway by copying the following text on your tweet: “COMMENT to Win! #Giveaway Poster Print #contest @Kitkat4real sponsor: @uprinting http://twurl.nl/cg5dhn.” Then come back and leave an additional comment about sending the tweet.
Follow my blog via RSS feed subscription or Email receipts. Then leave a comment that you are currently registered through feedburner as a subscriber. (If you already subscribe – just leave the extra comment indicating you are a current subscriber.)

Good Luck

The contest ends, September 27, 2009 at 11:59PM EST. A winner will be chosen at random from the comments and I will contact him/her via email. Then the prize will be awarded by coupon code. Your coupon code will be sent out via email on Oct. 1, 2009 from DigitalRoom.com.

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: contests,giveaways,freebies,posters,photo,photography,digital photos,printing,winning

Be Bold – It’s Your Money

2009-09-17T09:13:00.001-04:00

Is It Necessary?

In today’s economy, I’ve gotten tighter and tougher. Tighter in my budget and tougher in how I spend my money. As a single mom, I try to use logically thought-out spending plans instead of impulse buying. I also keep an eye on my budget when debating possibly adding expenses to it. As an example, try answering these questions:

Do you really need this added expense? (Need verses Want)
Is there a cheaper yet trustworthy alternative? (Cost comparison)
What will you truly benefit from doing this – and from doing it right now? (Immediate need?)
Can it wait a few months to initiate the expense?
If the answer is “I need it right now”: How will you plan to modify your current budget to make allowance for this? What will be eliminated? (Be specific)

Within Your Means

If it’s a necessary expense, I configure the best way to manage it (within my means). Then it’s a matter of putting the strategy into action: Set up the payment plan and eliminate the other expense(s) found in number 5.

I know you are getting tired of hearing about the braces but I think it is a good example of those larger expenses that can pop up and become a required budget modifier. With modifying my budget, I cut out a few things to prepare for the down payment (i.e. eating out and unnecessary purchases) as well as cut some things from my monthly expenses to prepare for the on-going monthly payment. But I knew I would be more comfortable if I could pay for the remaining balance due over 36 months instead of the 24 or 30 month options they gave me. This would make the payment smaller and was especially viable since they were not going to charge me interest over the payment period.

Be Bold - Negotiate

Never underestimate negotiations. Here is the conversation as it occurred Tuesday at the orthodontist:

Front Desk Receptionist: Ma’am, we need to do some paperwork.

me: Ok

FDR: How did you plan to pay for this, 24 month plan or 30?

me: Oh, I would like to pay over 36 months, but I didn’t get a printout for that option.

FDR: We don’t offer a 36 month payment plan. How much do you plan to pay for the deposit?

me: I am paying down $1000 today and then needed to pay the balance over a 36 month plan.

FDR: We don’t normally do that.

me: Ok… but I have a tight budget… so I am going to need to pay the balance over 36 months.

FDR: I don’t know. We don’t normally do 36 months.

me: Yes…I understand… but I need to do this over 36 months.

(Note: Both of us are still being very calm and kind through all of this going back and forth.)

FDR: Well I will check with Dr. Ortho to see what he says.

me: Ok, thanks. (smiling)

(I wait at the desk while she goes to the back.)

FDR: Dr. Ortho said he would be glad to set up your payments for 36 months.

me: Thank you so much.

FDR: You do realize you may still be paying after she is using only a retainer?

me: Yes, and if I can pay it off sooner, my game-plan is to do that. The 36 month setup is to simply assist with my monthly expectations for payments.

********

And success!

I knew they could not argue with my willingness to have the procedure done for what they quoted me in price… just because I simply wanted to cushion my own monthly budget expenses. My next offer if she came back insisting on 30 months, was going to be pay less down and keep that other part of the deposit to assist my monthly payout amounts or to take Kass and her records to another orthodontist.

Worth It

In today’s economy you must be bold when it comes to paying for services with businesses. They need your business and if they are reputable they will work with customers that are simply being ethical but intend to pay overall. If you have a thought-out negotiation that benefits both the seller and you-the payer, then ask. If they don’t want to listen? They aren’t worth your time – or your money!

What do you think?

Was my banter (though kind and mild) worth the end result?

Are you being bold with your money?

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Photo Credit: http://www.aisquared.com/email/images/static/money.jpg

Technorati Tags: budgets,economy,spending,within your means,orthodontists,braces,monthly budget

clouds in 3-D

2009-09-16T10:01:00.000-04:00

Caught this on my camera while driving one afternoon. No it wasn’t easy… but I was careful.

Find yourself…. keeping it real.

Technorati Tags: photography,skies,clouds,photos